In previous articles we talked about what it is increased sensitivity how it develops sensitive child, and now - about what to do as an adult whose sensitivity became a problem for him due to childhood rejection and constant comparison of himself with others.
By the time they grow up socially, a sensitive person is already accustomed to the fact that his needs, requests, sensations, ideas about comfort, the environment, wishes for relationships - all this differs from the demands of the majority.
That is why a sensitive person is poorly compatible with certain general rhythms, general approaches to solving life problems, does not always fit into groups, and is often not suitable for widely accepted methods of communication and living conditions.
Many people ask the question: why can’t a sensitive person adapt? After all, all living things, in theory, adapt to environmental conditions, and may well learn to survive effectively in it. Why isn't this happening here?
Sensitivity and adaptation
For some reason, adaptation is more often understood as the breaking of the individual to meet the needs of society than the real essence of adaptation - dynamic balance. This means that not only the environment influences a person, but also a person influences the environment. Otherwise, there would be no social changes, and society would forever remain in caves.
However, we see with the naked eye how much man has changed the surrounding reality, and, regardless of the assessment of these changes, we are forced to admit: man, in his ability to adapt, has gone much further than integrating himself into his environment.
Our nervous system, of course, has such adaptive capabilities as habituation and adaptation. But they work in proportion to the innate psychophysiological given.
Relatively speaking, it will be easy for a person whose height is 170 cm to get used to bowing his head, without particularly straining, in order to pass through a door 165 cm high. For a person whose height is 190 cm, this will be much more difficult, and to do it regularly without injuring himself in the process , he won't be able to. Do you understand the difference?
Adaptation in the form of habituation and adjustment exists, of course, in people whose sensitivity– above average. But just as it is impossible for the average person to increase their sensitivity to the level of an HSP, it is also difficult for an HSP to adapt enough to be equal to the average person.
An obvious conclusion arises: in order to adapt their high sensitivity to the conditions existing around them, HSPs can and should influence the environment in order to adapt, and not just assimilate its rules and norms accepted by the majority.
And now we will talk about how exactly a sensitive person can do this, what pitfalls are most often encountered on his way, and what internal processes can accompany all this.
Start with small things
The most difficult thing you have to do is get used to the idea of your own right to be who you are. There are no instructions on the topic “how to accept yourself”; for everyone this is an individual path, which is often walked together with a specialist.
In the case of HSP, this may be a particularly important component. The experience of being accepted by another person, in this case a psychologist, helps strengthen and develop self-acceptance. But there are some things you can do on your own.
And I suggest you start with something simple - with a list of everything that is uncomfortable for you, that hurts your sensitivity. Try to somehow rank the inconveniences as they increase, from small to more global. By small, it is usually understood that the majority of those around them have written down there.
For example, terrible curtains in the room that my mother once bought, an uncomfortable chair, dim/too bright light in the room, an unpleasant smell in the bathroom, jostling in line and resulting irritating touches, noise from neighbors, bed linen in pills, too cold /hot weather, food that is familiar, but does not cause pleasure, and it makes something “wrong” in the body, etc.
Some of these issues can be resolved with little financial outlay and ingenuity. It would seem that it would be so difficult to buy another light bulb, earplugs, bedding from a different fabric, or think about food that is more suitable for you? Throw away old items that create an unpleasant odor, buy fragrances? As a rule, most people can afford all this, and even more.
Why not start using home delivery or convenience stores more often, visiting them, for example, closer to the night, when the main flow of people has already subsided? Why not think about special clothing - thermal underwear in case of cold, special “breathable” sportswear in case of heat, etc.? All this does not fall into the category of inaccessible.
The question is - why is this not done most often? But because most often you are ashamed, especially if you do not live alone.
It’s embarrassing to admit to the mother who gave you the curtains that they are not your aesthetic (and that this aesthetic matters at all!). It’s a shame to tell your husband/wife that you can no longer sleep on such underwear, it’s a shame to tell your work colleagues that for lunch you won’t go to eat pancakes with them, but will go to a vegetarian cafe, even though you’ll have to spend a little more time on the road, but there the food is more suitable for you, etc.
It’s a shame to be capricious, with pretensions, it’s scary to think about what they’ll twist at your temple, judge you, be offended or whisper behind your back. That's why I suggest starting with the little things. Firstly, because these are really small things for the majority, and they are unlikely to concentrate much on these little things, and secondly, because learning to respect yourself immediately and globally is an unrealistic task.
Any quality transformation requires a resource. A sensitive person, as a rule, at a certain point in his life gets very tired of playing by rules that are difficult for him. If you are thinking about how to accept your sensitivity, most likely, you have already reached that very moment of fatigue.
It’s the little things that can begin to fill you with resources. But sometimes it’s not easy to afford them even when no one is watching. It’s just that you yourself have long been accustomed to treating yourself this way, and from within you the voice of your mother/father/grandmother is constantly broadcasting on the topic “all children are like children, but yours...”
In order not to hear this condemning voice inside yourself, you try not to do anything “special” for yourself. But you don’t have to measure yourself all your life by your parents’ assessments, and the fact that now this voice is in your head is your choice, conscious or not.
The first thing you can try to tell yourself is to give permission to your needs, support yourself in this. Sometimes it is worth at this moment to imagine that child who once did not understand what was “wrong” with his needs, but was condemned, rejected and irritated with him.
Now you are your own parent and you can very well say to yourself “yes, you have the right to this, I understand you well,” try to satisfy the need and see if it will have such a destructive impact on your life as you expected.
Practice shows that after these simple attempts to take care of himself, a sensitive person begins to respect himself to a greater extent and feel more confident, because he begins to understand already at the level of sensations: it works. It helps you live, feel better, gives you confidence and energy.
About larger tasks
When little things fill you up a little with resource, and sensitivity no longer seems like such a punishment, you will naturally have to pay attention to more serious issues.
Perhaps it is unbearable for you to be among people for eight hours, perhaps you are not able to get up early, you cannot stay in a cramped room with artificial light for so long, you cannot constantly fall asleep to the roar of music in the next apartment, you really need beauty and aesthetics around, more tactful people, your problem with the environment cannot be solved by clothes alone, and your body needs a serious change in conditions...
Many HSPs fall into despair when such thoughts appear: they need to change their whole life - work, environment, the very way of life and its schedule! But a sensitive person is not a weak or weak-willed person, as we already said in the first part. Everyone experiences fear of change, but that doesn't mean you can't take action.
On the contrary, increased sensitivity can become an impetus to achieve more than the average majority.
One of my clients suffered for a long time, among other things, from the inconveniences associated with living in a high-rise building. Noise, unpleasant smells, an always dirty and smoky entrance, neighbors who barge in with tactless conversations when they meet... When she was able to take the first steps towards accepting herself and the fact that she is a sensitive person, at some point she set herself the task of moving out from here forever. The path was not easy, but being confident in the importance of her own needs, she was able to complete it, and moreover, during the process, meet a man who shared her aspirations. Now they live as a family in their own house outside the city.
My other client sincerely considered himself a social phobe, was sure that because of his “misanthropy” he could not work in an office like everyone else, that now he would have to spend the rest of his life working part-time jobs and never becoming anyone. We decided to try to perceive all this as a lifestyle - “I don’t work in the office because I’m more productive working alone” (and not because I’m some kind of “defective”), etc. As a result, he was one of the first to master new remote technologies, which allowed him to open his own business and stop worrying about not working in the office.
We can say that increased sensitivity encourages you to take steps in life that you simply would not have taken otherwise.
People often complain that their increased sensitivity exposes them to costs and additional complications. But we should not forget that it is precisely this that sometimes serves as a motive to develop in a profession, earn money, increase comfort and improve health. Which in the end may well lead to a more fulfilling, interesting and happy life than many others.
Therefore, it is worth asking yourself the question in time: what can I and want to change thanks to my sensitivity? What life accomplishments does it give me energy for?
Of course, the most important thing is your attitude towards yourself, your characteristics and needs. But let’s assume (and this often happens in reality), you have already begun a restructuring inside, you already perceive your sensitivity as a personal characteristic, and not a defect, but at the same time, the people around you have not yet changed and continue to make the same demands on you.
They can be understood - after all, you tried to mimic their needs before, and they are used to treating you as the average majority. And when you (in their eyes) suddenly have “complaints”, you can really receive a portion of criticism and depreciation.
The most important thing here is not to argue, not to prove, not to try to justify your need as supposedly “objective”. No matter how much someone might want it, our objective needs are the need for air, satisfaction of hunger, thirst, the need for shelter (minimum security) and clothing where we cannot survive without it. This is all. The absence of everything else in life, including reproduction, is not fatal.
But how many people dream of living only on primitive needs? I think you can guess for yourself. No one wants to live within the framework of only “objective needs”, that is, only to survive, therefore the needs of your critics are also not objective. And you have only stepped higher on this ladder of needs.
There is no way to prove anything here: a person whose body does not feel random touches in the subway, does not notice the smell in the entrance, sleeps to the roar of heavy rock, calmly digests cutlets from the nearest canteen - he still will not understand you with your keen hearing and ability to recognize shades the taste of plain water, a subtle sense of the emotional state of others and attention to detail.
In this misunderstanding you are equal, by and large. With only one difference - your critics allow themselves to respect their needs and consider their level adequate, but you do not. But since you are an adult, you can always change this state of affairs in your favor.
“Yes, that’s how it is for me. I have such requests. You have others, I respect yours, and I invite you to respect mine.” This is all that makes sense to say to those who want to devalue them.
I often hear from clients about the fear of being alone, having begun to defend their right to have different needs from the majority. If your social circle begins to fall apart, then this will mean only one thing: there were and are no people in your environment who are ready to accept you for who you are.
It's sad, but it's better to know about it earlier. The fewer illusions you have about those whom you considered close or at least friends, the less risk in a difficult situation you will come across a real betrayal, which will be perceived exactly this way by you, when these people treat some very subtle part of you rudely, and even not understanding what happened.
Changing your social circle is a difficult task, yes. But remember that HSPs make up 10-15% of all people. Calculate how many people this is in your city? Countries? Isn’t this really enough to start creating a social circle for yourself of those who are able to understand you without forcing themselves? In addition, a person may not belong to the HSP category, but at the same time be aware enough to respect the other in another person, and not just those who are similar to themselves. All this in total is not such a catastrophically small number of people.
And finally...
An exception to the rule is also a rule. There is always an average height, but there are always a sufficient number of people who greatly exceed this average height or vice versa. There are always average abilities, but in history there have always been both mentally retarded people and geniuses (and these deviations from the usual norm were sometimes even confused with each other).
The majority of men and women are heterosexual, but in the world, as far as can be traced, a constant percentage of people of non-traditional orientation remains. Most people are right-handed, however, in every school you will find at least one left-handed child, etc.
The very structure of the world implies differences. Otherwise, there will be nothing on which to build interaction and development, which is impossible without conflict, without that very “unity and struggle of opposites.”
But it won’t be possible to measure this from a “worse or better” perspective. A sensitive person, as a rule, is called upon to solve more complex, more subtle problems in different areas - this is his strong point. The fact that it is more difficult for him to adapt to the conditions of the majority is the burden that he has to pay for expanded abilities.
You do not have the opportunity to change your deep-seated characteristics of your personality or body. But you have the choice to use it for your own development, or vice versa - to suppress and criticize along with others. And I really wish you to take a place in life, making the most of your characteristics.
Who is a highly sensitive person?
Joe Capriotti:
According to research by Elaine Aron, psychologist, author of the book “Highly Sensitive Nature. How to Succeed in a Crazy World,” about 15–20% of us (about equal numbers of men and women) are born with a finely tuned, highly sensitive central nervous system. We are distinguished not only by emotional reactions, such as an increased ability to empathize, but also by many physiological characteristics.
In medicine, is there such a diagnosis as hypersensitivity?
D.K.:
The scientific name for this phenomenon is sensory hypersensitivity, which is congenital and genetically determined, but it is not a medical diagnosis. A highly sensitive nervous system can be compared to any other characteristic of a person (for example, blue eyes or blonde hair). These features do not depend in any way on our will and the influence of the environment.
How do you know if you are a highly sensitive person?
D.K.:
Are you sensitive to loud sounds, bright lights, or strong odors? Do you tend to think carefully about new information before responding? Do you experience emotions very deeply? Do you have hypersensitivity to alcohol, caffeine, medications, pain, hunger? If you answered yes to these questions, there is a good chance that you fall into this category of people. If you are not sure, you can go through a special test.
How many such people are there in the world? How common is hypersensitivity?
D.K.:
There are an estimated 1.3 billion highly sensitive people in the world, but most likely don't know it. Almost all of us have a relative, friend or colleague who is hypersensitive.
Let's say I found out that I belong to this category. I don't know what to think!
D.K.:
This means that you are an unusual person, born with such a feature! It is believed that increased sensitivity was developed during evolution as a survival strategy. It is found in more than 100 different species. In a sense, it can be said that 20% of people with high sensitivity contribute to the balance of a society in which 80% of people have ordinary sensitivity.
Is it possible to cure sensory sensitivity?
D.K.:
There is no need to try to “cure” this natural congenital trait. But still, some take medications to dull sensitivity and fit into society more easily.
Are there any techniques that can make life easier for such people?
D.K.:
The main difficulty that people with a sensitive nervous system face is the tendency to become overexcited from the abundance of irritants around them. At school age, it is easier for them to learn when there is nothing superfluous in the class, and it is also important for them to be given extra time to fully assimilate new information.
Adults need to arrange their schedule so that hard work in an environment of abundance of external stimuli is interspersed with rest, which will help restore strength. In general, it is important to be able to rest and relax - reading, music, and meditation can help with this.
What literature on hypersensitivity can you recommend?
D.K.:
In addition to Elaine Aron's book mentioned above, it is also helpful to read her book The Highly Sensitive Child.
Do people say that you are too emotional and take everything to heart? Don't think that there is something wrong with you. You may be what is called “highly sensitive.” The thing is that this is your personal perception of reality and it’s hard for you to live differently. In psychology, this phenomenon is considered quite normal and there are characteristic signs that help identify hypersensitive people.
1. Sensitivity 100%
Perhaps this is the most important distinguishing feature of such people. Their brain works differently and seems to catch all sensitive waves. That is why they take all information very seriously and seem to let it pass completely through themselves. The emotions of such people are very vivid and almost tangible.
2. High level of intuition
Often, highly sensitive people can determine that something is wrong with their loved ones. It is impossible to hide experiences from them. It's like they read people right through them. This is because their sensitive channel is very well tuned and is able to detect any, even minimal, changes.
3. Independence
Highly sensitive people do not like team activities. They study/work best alone. They are able to quickly figure out something new on their own.
4. Flattery for good
Honestly, this can hardly be called flattery, but such people have an important point - they always want to please everyone. But this is not because they have high self-esteem. The point is different - they want everyone around them to feel good. They are afraid to imagine that they could hurt someone. Negative emotions destroy their sensitivity. That is why they are very courteous with everyone and often help people.
5. Observation
The brain of highly sensitive people works like a scanner. He reads all the information, notices even minor nuances, which, by the way, are important in their life. It is impossible to deceive such people, as they can easily sense fake emotions.
6. Perfectionism
Some may think that this is too much, but this is the nature of hypersensitive people. Perfectionism literally runs through their veins and forces them to do everything perfectly. This is important for them, as they are trying to maintain balance in life, as well as avoid destruction of any kind.
7. Emotions in the palm of your hand
The level of sensitivity of such people is so great that it is difficult for them, and sometimes they don’t even want to restrain themselves. If such a person wants to cry, he will do it. Highly sensitive people consider this natural and are not ashamed of their reactions.
It’s unlikely that anyone likes being shouted at. In the case of hypersensitive people, everything is more dramatic - they cannot stand it. Sharp sounds generally frighten them. They prefer peace. Screaming only blocks the perception of the situation.
9. Endless creativity
Such people are constantly in a creative storm. They receive so much information that they instantly transform it into some kind of creative process. Moreover, the brains of highly sensitive people can work on several levels at once, which is why they are often interested in several things.
10. Ahead of everyone
For hypersensitive people, “trends” are just a word. The point is that their level of sensitivity allows them to predict trends. Intuition helps them to be ahead of everyone. That is why many cannot fully appreciate their tastes, and sometimes do not understand them at all. Of course, until they themselves fall under the wave of “trends”. Meanwhile, highly sensitive people are already opening new doors.
Incredible facts
Almost all of us have met highly sensitive people in our lives.
We know that with such people you need to be especially careful with your words, as you never know how they will react.
Recent studies have shown that approximately 15-20 percent of people are hypersensitive. However, many do not know what this means.
Read also:13 unexpected signs that you are very smart
Often hypersensitive people are classified as introverts, but this is not the same thing. These people are sensitive to many things, from pain to caffeine consumption.
Often this type of person has a number of habits and characteristics.
1. Your feelings are much deeper than usual.
Such people experience everything on a deeper level. They have good intuition and try to get to the bottom of things.
2. You're better at spotting lies.
You could be a good detective not only because of your good intuition and attention to detail, but also because you are good at picking up nonverbal gestures that most people may not notice.
3. You like to study alone
Most of these people always feel like someone is looking at them. They feel much more comfortable alone, away from the scrutiny of others.
4. You take a long time to make decisions
Highly sensitive people take longer to make decisions. They overthink things a lot more because they are aware of all the little details and weigh all the possible consequences.
5. You notice details first
You will be the first to notice others have a new T-shirt and the slightest change in the weather.
6. You have a developed right hemisphere
The right hemisphere is associated with emotional expression, music, recognition of faces, colors, images and intuition. Highly sensitive people are more inquisitive, imaginative, and intuitive.
7. You get more upset about bad decisions.
If you make the wrong decision, you often beat yourself up about it for a long time. Your emotions are exaggerated due to great emotional reactivity.
8. Not all highly sensitive people are introverts
About 70 percent of highly sensitive people are introverts. But if a person has grown up or is used to being in a close-knit group of people, it is much easier for him to adapt to strangers.
9. You are a good addition to any team.
Although highly sensitive people prefer to work alone, their thoughtfulness helps them come up with interesting, innovative ideas.
10. You are more prone to depression and anxiety.
If a highly sensitive person is exposed to a lot of negativity, especially in early childhood or adolescence, they may feel insecure and be prone to anxiety and depression. This is especially important for parents of such children to know and always support them.
11. You are not prone to casual relationships
You need to feel comfortable with a person in order to become intimate with them.
Text: Grisha of the Prophets
Highly sensitive people, or highly sensitive people, are especially susceptible to external stimulation, the emotions of others and, in general, details of the world around them. We tell you who they are and how to understand if you are one of them.
Who are Highly Sensitive People?
Highly sensitive people (we will call them highly sensitive people), or HSP, or HSP - these are people who react more intensely than others to the world around them. These people process both positive and negative information more carefully, so they can become overwhelmed and overwhelmed by external stimuli - when there are too many or too intense of them. Such people pay a lot of attention to all sensations: tastes, touches, sounds and smells. They are especially sensitive to emotions, their own and others. The press calls them the new introverts: a lot has been written about highly sensitive people lately, although the phenomenon was defined back in the mid-90s.
Who introduced this concept?
Psychologist Elaine N. Aron was the first to identify highly sensitive people.
in his book "The Highly Sensitive Person", which was published in 1996. Aron lived in San Francisco and began studying HSP in 1991 with her husband Arthur. Aron describes HSPs as those who have “increased sensitivity to stimulation” and who are “more aware of details and nuances and process information in a deeper, more reflective way than others.” Aron believed that Carl Jung, Emily Dickinson and Rainer Maria Rilke were highly sensitive people and that they were generally “poets, writers, teachers, doctors, scientists and philosophers.” It is believed that 20% of the world's population are highly sensitive people.
Why are they suddenly being talked about?
The term and Aron’s book did not exactly lie in oblivion, no - other researchers wrote about HSPs, and scientific articles were published about them, but it was in recent years that the media paid special attention to them. The Huffington Post published a text about how highly sensitive people interact with the world differently, The Wall Street Journal wrote about the phenomenon, even Scientific American remembered Aron and her ideas. In the scientific world, interest in them is also increasing: for example, the first conference dedicated to high sensitivity was held in Brussels. A documentary film called “Sensitive” is being released about the HSP phenomenon, in which, for example, singer Alanis Morissette, who considers herself a highly sensitive person, starred.
Why single out highly sensitive people when introverts already exist?
Because this is a psychological - and neurobiological - category of people according to completely different indicators. Aron developed a 27-item sensitivity scale to identify HSPs; and as with introverts, it's not just a binary system, you're not just either a highly sensitive person or you're not, there's a gradation here. While introverts are primarily defined by their relationships with other people, highly sensitive people are generally defined by their relationship with the world. However, like introverts, HSPs may enjoy solitude to give their brain a break from stimulation. For example, if you often cry at the movies, or are irritated by strong smells, or are imbued with other people's emotions at the most unexpected moments. And this is important to study: because if you understand that you are a highly sensitive person, you can better arrange your life, for example, try to work in quiet and calm places.
Do HSPs really exist?
Yes, sure. They are identified by many psychologists and neuroscientists. Hundreds of studies have been devoted to high sensitivity, from brain scans to genetic tests. Studies of the brains of HSPs show that their brain processes differ from those of other people: HSPs are more likely to experience empathy, be more attentive to their surroundings, and understand other people better. The catch is that, of course, there is a trap here, as with introverts: after the word and idea became popular, many people began to call themselves highly sensitive people, even those who are not technically one of them. Everyone wants to consider themselves special, so we want to believe that we understand the world around us more deeply and subtly than others.
