Effective resolution of conflicts in relationships, shock absorption techniques. Psychological shock absorption technique - examples of its use

Depreciation in service

From my point of view, a strong-willed leader, that is, one who shouts, threatens, demands, punishes, takes revenge, persecutes, is a stupid leader. He himself does not think, because he is in the position of the Parent.

A smart leader explains, asks questions, listens to other people's opinions, supports the initiative of subordinates and usually is in the position of an Adult. It seems that he is not in command, but he is being commanded. Such a leader can safely go on vacation, and his absence will not have a negative impact on the state of affairs. But let's talk about subordinates.

S, a mathematics teacher at a university (by the way, mathematicians, as a rule, easily grasp the principle of depreciation), had a conflict with his department head. On the advice of his friends, he turned to me for advice. The last conflict arose like this. Once a month, the department holds a conference, which is attended by mathematicians from other educational institutions; about 150 people gather. S. entered the audience five minutes before the start of the conference. Standing in the aisle, he peacefully talked with acquaintances whom he had not seen for quite a long time. The classroom was not entirely clean, but he had nothing to do with the cleaning.

At that moment, the head of the department, T., appeared, and a dialogue began between them.

T. (tensely): Look - dirt!

S. (with bewilderment): But these are not my duties.

T. (with undisguised irritation): You can pass by the dirt, but I can’t! I alone have to delve into everything!

S. (lowering his head and looking from under his brows): What should I have done?

T. (with annoyance): Couldn’t they organize the cleaning? If you had cleaned it yourself, nothing would have happened to you!

S. then complained to his friend:

What an old fool! Why is he attached to me? Doesn’t know who is responsible for cleaning?!

Let's analyze the structure of this dialogue and find error C. The partner's error is obvious, it does not have much meaning for us. T. pointed out the presence of dirt in the audience. And S. began to talk about the functional responsibilities of employees. Did the head of the department know them? Of course I did. Therefore, the direction of the vector of S.’s answer was R - D. The psychological content of such an answer: “Old fool! Don’t you know that teachers don’t clean classrooms?!”

Thus, communication proceeded through intersecting transactions. S. “injected” Child T. It threw energy into the position of the Parent, from where an “injection” followed into Child S. In S.’s complaint to a friend, when he called the boss an old fool, the psychological, hidden content became obvious.

The same analysis was the basis for S. for developing depreciation techniques.

When a month later the conference was scheduled again, S. took his starting position in the aisle five minutes before the start. T entered the audience. This time the dialogue went like this:

T. (tensely): Look - dirt!

S. (looking straight into T.’s eyes): Yes, dirt!

There is bewilderment on T.'s face. He is silent.

S. (continues sympathetically): You see, no one cares about the honor of the team. Everyone passes by the dirt! You have to delve into everything!

T. is silent, but confusion gives way to bewilderment. It feels like he can’t figure out what to answer.

S. (continues with enthusiasm. He realized that the initiative is in his hands): If I had arrived 20 minutes earlier, I would have organized the cleaning. As a last resort, I would remove it myself. Nothing would have happened to me!

T. (coming to his senses a little, with increasing tension): What else was missing! I know who should do this! Ask Lyudmila Prokofyevna (the laboratory assistant responsible for cleaning the audience) to come to my office after the lecture. M. L.).

I will not comment on this dialogue. The methods of direct and preventive depreciation are easily visible here. Only S.’s last remark and the answer to it deserve analysis. S. correctly used the phenomenon of identification when he himself suggested sweeping the audience. Since both S. and T. belong to the teaching staff, the head of the department had the thought in his subconscious that soon he too would have to clean the room.

I still maintain friendly relations with S. He has already defended his Ph.D. thesis and is close to completing his doctoral dissertation. Without an established relationship with the head of the department, this would have been impossible. S. is also satisfied that he did not have to grovel for this.

Another case of direct and preventive depreciation was told to me by M., my former patient, 25 years old, disabled group II with traumatic brain injury, who, after 10 days of training in fighting techniques in a hospital, got rid of not only the tics that he had suffered for 15 years, but also acquired communication skills that radically changed his character and life circumstances for the better.

Listen to his story.

“After being discharged from the hospital, my life took a different turn. I stopped jerking my hand, that is, I got rid of the obsessive movement to which I was so accustomed that I considered it impossible to ever stop it. Then the thought flashed through my mind: if I got rid of this, then I can get rid of other things that bother me. In any case, it’s worth a try, because I’ve already had some experience that has refuted my ideas about myself.

At work, I asked to clearly define the range of my responsibilities, taking into account my state of health (preventive depreciation - M. L.). Previously they were quite vague. This caused various criticisms from my superiors. Now I showed firmness and started a special diary, where I began to write down a work plan, which I had agreed in advance with management. Now I could calmly answer unreasonable demands: “Everything is going according to plan, I am precise and careful.” And things went uphill. I quickly wrote an article on my topic, relations with management improved, and I gained self-confidence.”

Depreciation in public life

Let's return to M's story.

“In addition, I have established relationships with many people with whom I had previously been in marked confrontation. So, I boldly went into the house where they hated me, and, using the delayed depreciation technique, changed the owners’ attitude towards me. True, they did not love me, but the opportunity arose to continue relations with them on the basis of mutual respect.

Another new character trait appeared in me after learning fighting methods - sociability. I used to be unsociable. Now everything has changed. I began to feel freer in society, moreover, I became a disc jockey. It amazed those around me and myself so much that I still can’t get over it. If this had been offered to me six months ago, I would have been horrified. How? To be on stage under the spotlights, under the gaze of dozens of people, constantly making jokes, coming up with witty twists in the program on the fly, filling in the pauses? Of course not! And now I combine scientific work with the duties of a disc jockey. Recently, my disco took first place among the discos of the city's research institutes, and I was offered to host a university-wide evening. It went well, even better than expected. I received an invitation to take part in a theater production. Many people know me. If before I walked through the institute unnoticed, now I barely have time to bow. And all this in such a short period of time! Truly, the transformations of people are wonderful!”

Depreciation in personal and family life

Let us return once again to the story of our hero M.

“For a whole year I experienced serious mental stress over a difficult relationship with a friend. All attempts to improve them crashed against the stone wall of female stubbornness. I quickly lost my temper and began to get angry, but this did not solve the problem (communication followed a conflict pattern. - M. L.). After completing the training, I decided to act differently.

Having met with my friend, I said that I had decided to seriously look into our relationship (a small mistake: I should have waited for her to make such a request. - M. L.). This was not an easy step for me, the relationship became so tense that I could expect anything. And for several weeks, my friend poured slop on my head with great pleasure, and I answered:

Well, dear, maybe you’re right in your own way, but let’s look at this matter more broadly...

(Many people do not have the patience to complete the amortization, and they again switch to a conflicting style of communication; they are like chess players who, playing a gambit variation where they have to sacrifice several pieces, sacrifice only one, and then are afraid of continuing. But then the first victim becomes meaningless! Here depreciation was completed - M. L.).

I was surprised at myself! Previously, I would not have tolerated even a minute of such groundless insults, but here I did, and what’s most interesting is that the further you go, the easier it is to hear them (and they get used to cold water. - M. L.). And then he stopped paying attention to them altogether. I just smiled! And the insults gradually became less angry and then stopped. A bewildered silence lasted for several days. Then the long-awaited serious conversation began. And it brought results! We talked for many days, we talked calmly. When she raised her voice, I would stop talking and smile, and her tone would change. And although we eventually separated, it was peaceful and calm.”

For a beginner, the techniques of psychological warfare have been mastered quite well!

Here is an example of depreciation in family life.

A factory worker came to see me. He complained of insomnia and was depressed. He connected this with the fact that his relationship with his wife had reached an extreme level of conflict. Both were hot-tempered and argued. One day, unable to bear his wife’s insults, he beat her. The police were called and he was sentenced to 15 days. After this episode, his wife began to scandal even more, but he could not afford it, because he was afraid of being sentenced to an even longer term.

Having mastered the depreciation technique, my client understood how to behave. And one day, when his wife sent him... (on a long journey with an exact indication of the address), he calmly said that he would go there with pleasure if she indicated what kind of transport to take and gave money for the journey. The wife was speechless, for the first time in many years she set the table and invited her husband to dinner. At night he slept peacefully without medication. I was woken up by the alarm clock. When he came to see me after that, he danced with joy.

Conflicts between growing children and parents often arise due to the fact that children want more independence, and parents try to maintain a commanding position.

Listen to the story of my client, whose 13-year-old daughter became disobedient. She raised her without a father, tried to prevent her daughter from feeling this, took care of her, etc. By this time, the girl began to refuse classes at music school, demanded toilets that were beyond their means, wanted to use time uncontrollably, etc. p.

“After learning the principle of depreciation, when another scandal broke out due to my daughter’s reluctance to go to music school, I decided to act in accordance with the knowledge I had acquired. She calmly invited her daughter to a conversation and told her something like this:

Lena, you’re right, I realized that you’re already an adult. From today I give you complete freedom. My only request is that when you go away for a long time, let me know when you'll be back.

She agreed, not yet knowing what awaited her. I decided to use one of the rules of depreciation: “Don’t offer your services. Help when you’ve done your work.” That same day she went to see a friend and returned late. I was already in bed. She asked me to feed her, and I invited her to take the food herself. There was no bread in the house. I referred to the fact that I did not have time to go to the store. My daughter began to reproach me that I didn’t love her, that I was a bad mother, etc. It was difficult for me, but I agreed with all her statements. Then she began to say that she was unlucky with her mother. Seven months passed in such a struggle, where I kept giving in. In the end, without instructions, the daughter took the initiative and distributed the responsibilities herself. I was assigned the role of a cook: “Mom, you cook better.”

She cleaned the apartment and went to the store. We did most of the laundry together; she did the little things herself. Gradually, my daughter improved her relationships with her friends in the class. She became calmer and more confident. A year later, I found a job in a cooperative that made toys. I helped her master the process. This resolved the issue with her wardrobe. She began to earn money for it herself. The following summer, we used the money we had saved to buy her a ticket to the camp. After returning, I noticed that my daughter sat down at the piano. She told me that at the camp she became friends with a guy from another city. We agreed to correspond and meet next year, or maybe earlier. This is how my daughter’s first love came. I was pleased that she shared with me. If I had not changed, I would hardly be a friend to my daughter. I completely stopped commanding and just obeyed.”

Conflicts become even more serious when children become adults and parents continue to actively interfere in their lives.

A teenager aged 15, always an exemplary boy, serious, involved in sports school and showing great promise, unexpectedly became interested in an 18-year-old girl. He began to return home late, skip training, and do worse at school. The girl he was dating had a lot of sexual experience, which also frightened his parents. The son said that he loved her, that he was already an adult and knew what to do. Convictions and scandals had no effect. The mother was constantly crying, the father was depressed: he had to go sailing soon, and the mother had to be admitted to the hospital.

On my advice, my father carried out the depreciation: “Son, forgive us for interfering in your life. We somehow missed that you have already grown up. You really understand more in life and are nobler than us. And you can love better. Really, what does it matter that she is older and already has sexual experience? Maybe this is even better. By comparing you with others, your chosen one will be devoted to you.”

I won’t describe my son’s amazement. The relationship finally improved after three days. The mother also mastered the shock absorption technique and was discharged from the hospital in good condition a week later.

“Conflicts with my mother-in-law poisoned my life. I can no longer look at my husband, soon all my love will pass away, -

A pretty woman of 36 years old spoke with excitement and tears in her eyes when she came to class in the group. - We have been married for 12 years, our daughter is 11 years old, and my mother-in-law interferes in all my affairs, although we live separately. In case of any misunderstanding, she says that her son could have taken a woman who was younger, more beautiful, more economical, and smarter... it comes to screams, tears, hysterics both on my part and on hers.”

She started the classes with enthusiasm, and a week later she said the following:

“On Saturday morning everyone went to the garden, and my mother-in-law and I stayed on the farm. I somehow made the bed wrong, from her point of view, and she immediately noticed that her son could have chosen a much better wife. I immediately agreed with this, adding that he could have taken a wife who was not only more economical, but also more beautiful, smarter, younger, etc. She spoke calmly. I remembered how she reproached me earlier and listed my shortcomings and my husband’s advantages. The mother-in-law's eyes widened, it was felt that she had lost her bearings. Without saying a word, she turned on the TV and began to watch it absentmindedly. Soon she began to shiver. She threw a blanket over herself. An hour and a half later, citing a headache, she lay down on the sofa.”

A very interesting phenomenon is observed here: the connection between emotions and health. The mother-in-law, for a reason that I will discuss below, was always in a state of constant emotional stress, which is usually accompanied by the release of excess adrenaline and a number of other substances into the blood. Normally, we need them and are consumed in the process of activity. Sometimes they accumulate in large quantities and require particularly intensive activity to decompose. If this activity does not exist, then some people’s blood pressure begins to rise, others have stomach pain, etc. This is why the scandal is not as unpleasant as it might seem. During a conflict, especially a violent one, an energy discharge occurs, which brings temporary relief. Some even fall asleep immediately after the conflict, and then, remembering, they say that they caused a scandal to their heart's content.

Any work, even the most interesting one, causes some kind of tension in the body. The body “overheats”. The best “cooler” is the joy of love. What if she doesn't exist? Then conflict comes to the rescue. So, the best prevention of conflict is love. Now do you understand why our heroine’s mother-in-law is in conflict? That's right, she lived her whole life without love, compensating for it with conflict, and when she lost this substitute, she felt bad.

When my students emerged from a conflict using cushioning, quite often their partners felt worse. They often noted a state of some depression, as they suddenly discovered that they were becoming uninterested in communicating with their previous partners. There's nothing wrong with that. For some time (if you come to us) the group will support you, and then your loved ones will begin to experience positive changes, and they will become even more interested in you, since you yourself contributed to such changes. But if this does not happen, you will part painlessly for both parties. A new interesting life will begin for you, but your partner will find another partner for conflicts, since he needs them. And if he wants to get you back, he will contact you and learn the depreciation technique.

Consider the situation of a breakup.

I was invited to a consultation in the neurology department with a 45-year-old patient. She couldn't

walk and stand, although in bed the legs made full movements. It was a functional paralysis of the lower extremities, associated not with the death of nerve cells, but with their inhibition. Such paralysis usually develops after a difficult emotional experience, is one of the symptoms of neurosis and, with proper therapy, goes away without a trace. She had been sick for about eight months. The treatment had no effect. Here's her story in brief.

Eight months ago, my husband completely unexpectedly announced that he had another woman, and he would be divorcing her. Her legs immediately became paralyzed, she sobbed loudly and tore out her hair. She reproached him for dedicating her life to him, giving up everything, graduating only from technical school, and promoting him, a worker, to chief engineer. They didn’t have children due to his fault, and they took the boy in to raise him. The husband remained adamant, filed for divorce and got divorced. They continued to live in the same apartment, but as neighbors.

She cried during the conversation. She calmed down for a while. Additionally, it was possible to find out that she worked as a secretary for a large administrator and largely contributed to her husband’s promotion. Intimate relationships were not of great importance to her, but they did not cause disgust either. Now she wanted, no matter what, for her husband to return to the family.

In accordance with the principle of amortization, I agreed to help her, but asked if she could play the role in the script that we would write together. She agreed and we started working.

First of all, she needed to understand that her break with her husband was natural and stemmed from their relationship. It is already clear to you, my dear reader, that our heroine was a “psychological mother” for her husband. He received “education” from her. And when he studied and advanced in his career, all the psychological energy basically went there, and sexual dissatisfaction was not particularly felt, since all his strength was spent on “getting up.” When he reached a certain social status, the released energy required application. It was only natural that he found a girlfriend who satisfied this need.

Our heroine was a smart woman. She saw the light literally before our eyes. She immediately stopped crying, her face took on a thoughtful, sad expression. And most importantly, she regained movement in her legs. She stood up and began to walk around the room. She no longer needed to lie down - she had something to do. We developed a scenario and discussed the details of her behavior. On Saturday I sent her home for a trial holiday and began to eagerly await the results.

When we met, I realized that there was no trace left of the disease. The patient was cheerful, cheerful, her eyes sparkled, she could hardly restrain herself from laughing.

Here's her story in brief.

“When I entered the apartment “in full parade,” I was a little worried: I wasn’t quite sure that I could play my role. I was afraid that he would not act as we had planned, and that nothing would work out for me. But when I saw his surprised and confused face, I calmed down. I started talking, his eyes widened more and more, and when I finished, he couldn’t answer me. I, without waiting for him to speak, went to my room.”

This is roughly what she told him:

“You did the right thing in leaving me, I’m already old, I’ve become a bad housewife, I teach you all the time, and most importantly, I couldn’t give you what a woman should give to a man in an intimate relationship. I am grateful to you for all the good things we had. They say time heals. It's hard for me to believe this yet. But it doesn't matter. I will be glad for your happiness."

I would like to draw attention to the psychological content of the ending. The word “yet” indicates that the doors will not always be open. What does depreciation lead to? The man removes his “thorns”. Psychological struggle teaches you to accept a partner in the totality of all his qualities, like a rose, to accept both the flower and the thorns. We must learn not to bump into the “thorns” of our partner, but to deal only with the flower. It is also necessary to remove your “thorns”.

Let's return to our heroine's husband. He communicates with his beloved. A person gets used to good things quite quickly. Does his passion have “thorns”? Of course there is! And when he stumbles upon them, a conversation with the wife he left behind will emerge in his memory. Remember her monologue. After all, you can read in it hope for improved sexual relationships. He will think about her again. It's impossible that he wouldn't try to come back! So I calmly looked forward to the next weekend.

Another day off has passed. They hardly spoke, but it was clear that he had become softer. Then she advised him to bring his mistress to live in their apartment.

Since we broke up, why should you suffer?

He looked at her with great interest:

Do you really think I'm such a beast?

A week later she told me with an expression of feigned horror:

You know, he'll probably come back soon!

Why did you decide that?

He started going out to the kitchen in his underpants, like this

it was before. More often he offers his help.

Well, great,” I said, “what was required?”

No, that’s enough, I lived with this puppet for 22 years, I don’t want any more!

The example clearly shows that by holding on, you will not achieve anything; by letting go, you can return it. Another pattern: when someone who quit later returns, they often become unnecessary. How can we explain this? In the process of learning the techniques of psychological struggle, the student experiences personal growth, but his partner does not. He becomes uninteresting, because all his actions are easily calculated, their automatism is visible. If the relationship is not completely broken, the partner gradually undergoes a restructuring. Completely damaged relationships are rarely restored.

Another example.

A 46-year-old man, a teacher at one of the Rostov technical universities (let's call him U.), came to see me in a completely depressed state. Three months ago, his wife, returning from a trip to see friends, said that she was leaving him for someone else (he was divorcing his wife), that she had long been sympathetic to this man, even when he lived in Rostov. And then an epiphany seemed to come: they realized that they could not live without each other.

U. took the news seriously, because he loved his wife and children very much and could not imagine life without them. He persuaded her. He asked me not to rush into making a final decision, suggested that I live with the object of my love for some time, make sure that this is really the right decision, and only then start the divorce process. The eldest daughter, 14 years old, said with tears in her eyes that she loved him very much, but would still live with her mother. The youngest daughter, 6 years old, automatically stayed with her mother.

His position at the institute was also unstable, since he was unable to defend his dissertation, although he was considered a talented mathematician and the beginning of his scientific and teaching career was very successful. Having worked as a school teacher for five years after graduating from university, he got a job at the mathematics department as a senior laboratory assistant, and then became a teacher, quickly mastering the pedagogical process. The topic of scientific work has emerged. He was considered a rising star, and the head of the department, who was about to retire, openly said that he would dream of seeing U. as his successor.

At this time, U. became interested in a third-year student, his future wife. He was struck by the girl’s beauty and her admiration for him. They declared their love and got married. She had already had sexual experience before. But his love for her became even greater after he learned that his future wife had become a victim of deception. In order to avoid unnecessary conversations (her family adhered to old traditions), he made a light cut on his arm with a razor during the first wedding night after a noisy wedding.

Later he began to have failures with his dissertation. His wife turned out to be not a very good housewife, and he took on many of the worries, especially since after graduating from college, his wife soon became the head of a workshop, and then the deputy director of a small enterprise. He had a friend. He worked as a philosophy teacher at the same university. And when he was offered to go to party work, he agreed. Having become a major nomenclature worker, he moved with his family to another city. It was to him that our hero’s wife went.

An analysis of the situation shows that here U. was a “psychological father” for his wife, and family life compensated for his failures at work. The breakup of their relationship was natural. Whether his wife realized this or not is irrelevant. She expected that W. would make a career, and she did not marry him out of love. But her very style of behavior in the family interfered with her husband’s career. The breakup occurred at a time when it became obvious that the husband would not succeed. So “new love” came to her. It is absolutely clear to a specialist in psychological warfare that the nomenklatura worker could achieve success thanks to the care of his wife. When he achieved what he wanted, he began to need a social life. It is not difficult to guess that when these “psychological children” get together, their union will be fragile, because each of them is accustomed to “pulling the blanket over themselves.”

W. had to realize all this himself. It was premature to tell him about this. Moreover, U.’s condition was quite serious. When he began to speak, he could hardly hold back the tears that were choking him. We decided to write a letter. You can guess what its content was. Yes, there he scolded himself for his merits, and praised his wife for her shortcomings, giving her complete freedom, leaving the doors open for now. He gave this letter to her before her trip to her mother. He himself refused to go: “I need to wean myself off you.”

My wife returned ahead of schedule. I was at a loss. He calmly gave shocking answers to all her questions. Gradually the nature of their marriage relationship became clear to him. The wife became increasingly irritated. This irritation spilled over onto the children. She spoke nasty things about her eldest daughter’s father and stopped caring for her youngest. Three days later, the eldest daughter announced that she would stay with her dad. The youngest cried and said that she didn’t want someone else’s uncle.

To distract himself, U. began to engage in physical exercise. His health gradually improved. His wife continued to make trouble, but he remained more or less calm. When the children went over to his side and he said that at the trial he would insist that the children stay with him, she said that the youngest daughter was not from him, but from the one she was now going to marry. He answered her something like this: “Perhaps she is not my daughter by blood, but I raised her and love her. Besides, I don’t understand why you want to look worse in my eyes than you really are. I know that without love you would not have entered into an intimate relationship with anyone, and even more so you could not be with two at once.”

When his wife tried to resume an intimate relationship, U. said that he was a proud man, continued to love her, but out of mercy he did not need sexual intimacy. He will be able to do this if his love for her passes, which he has little faith in, or if her love for him returns, which he hopes for, because he still considers everything that happens to them to be an obsession that can be explain only by the troubles at her work and his inattentive attitude towards her.

U.'s condition continued to improve. And then one day he woke up cheerful and fresh: “I suddenly saw that the leaves were green and the sky was blue. I felt the need to return to scientific work. My God, for what and for whom did I kill my life!” In the future, there was a lot more: divorce proceedings, his wife’s hysterics, etc. But in all situations, he behaved with dignity, he was aware of what was happening. And depreciation helped him everywhere.

Resume

Depreciation is applicable in service, in public, personal and family relationships. Here you need:

1. Bring depreciation to the end, be able to wait for the result.

2. Accept the person as a whole, trying not to bump into his “thorns.”

3. Build relationships before breaking them off.

We all like to sometimes command, prove our point of view, restore justice, argue. However, this desire in most cases rests on similar claims of the communication partner. A conflict arises, a clash in which there are no winners.

Frustration, irritation, anger, depression, headaches, pain in the heart, etc. remain with both the one who gained the upper hand and the one who had to submit. Insomnia occurs, during which a conflict situation is experienced, and for some time it is difficult to attend to current affairs. Some, in order to drown out their annoyance, use alcohol or drugs, and once again take their anger out on members of their family or subordinates. Many people torment themselves with remorse.

Nobody wants to conflict. When conflicts become frequent, a person painfully searches for a way out. Some begin to limit communication. But the need for communication takes its toll, and then the person comes into contact with anyone, just so as not to be alone. Many people develop isolation and shyness. The latter require unquestioning obedience both in the family and at work. And when the possibilities for suppression are exhausted, they sometimes notice with pain, sometimes with surprise that everyone has left them, and consider that they have been betrayed. Still others, without trying to establish communication, change their partners, get divorced, quit their jobs, move to another city or even country. But you can’t get away from yourself, from your inability to communicate. In a new place everything starts all over again.

As a result, people get neuroses, stress and tension, which destroys their health and destiny. The proverb “All diseases come from nerves” is now receiving scientific justification.

I invite you to familiarize yourself with the principles of psychological depreciation developed by psychologist Mikhail Litvak (“Psychological Aikido”), which will help you avoid unnecessary confrontation, save your energy and time, and at the same time not be deprived of the luxury of human communication.

First, a few postulates:

When communicating with a partner, we must remember that communicate with a person who has a good opinion of himself. This must be emphasized with all your appearance, the construction of phrases during a conversation, facial expressions, etc.

Your partner's answer is programmed into your question itself.. And not just programmed. This is a forced answer. If our partner's answer doesn't suit us, we asked the wrong question. Thus, in order to control a communication partner, it is necessary to model your behavior, and he will be forced to act as we need.

There are no winners or losers in psychological struggle. Here either both win or both lose. Therefore, your victory will also be the victory of your partner. Under no circumstances should you educate your partner. Let us remember that education ends by the age of five to seven years. Further influence is called re-education. And this is only possible with the help of self-education. Everyone can re-educate only one person - himself.

So. What does a partner expect when he approaches us with certain proposals? It is not difficult to guess - with our consent. The whole body, all metabolic processes, the whole psyche are tuned to this. And then suddenly we refuse. How does he feel about this? Extremely unpleasant. Of course, we are free to answer yes or no, but the first move must be a shock-absorbing one. Then there remains the opportunity for productive contacts in the future.

Thus, depreciation is immediate agreement with the partner’s arguments. Depreciation can be direct or preventive.

Direct depreciation

It is often used in the process of communication in situations of “psychological stroking”, when you are given compliments or flattered, in situations of invitation to cooperation or inflicting a “psychological blow”. Here are examples of depreciation techniques.

With “psychological stroking”:

A: You look great today.

B: Thank you for the compliment! I look really good.

The last sentence is mandatory: some people give compliments insincerely with the conscious or unconscious purpose of embarrassing their partner. The answer can end here, but if you suspect your partner of insincerity, you can add the following: I am especially pleased to hear this from you, because I have no doubt about your sincerity.

When inviting cooperation:

A: We offer you the position of shop manager.

B: 1) Thank you. I agree (if agreed).

2) Thank you for the interesting offer. You need to think and weigh everything (if a negative answer is expected).

It should be noted that the psychological aikido specialist gives consent after the first invitation. If the first invitation was insincere, everything immediately falls into place. Next time they won't play these games with you. If the invitation is sincere, you will be grateful for your prompt acceptance.

With a “psychological blow”:

A: You are a fool!

B: You are absolutely right! (avoiding the blow).

Usually two or three evasions from an attack are enough. The partner falls into a state of “psychological convulsion”, he is disoriented and confused. If absolutely necessary, the answer can be continued as follows:

How quickly you realized that I was a fool. I managed to hide this from everyone for so many years. With your insight, a great future awaits you! I'm just surprised that your bosses haven't appreciated you yet!

Those beginning to master the technique of depreciation often complain that at the moment of contact they do not have time to figure out how to carry out depreciation, and answer in their usual, conflicting style. The point is not ingenuity, but in the fact that many of our behavior patterns act automatically, without involving thinking.

First of all, you should suppress these patterns and carefully monitor your partner’s actions, words and agree. There is no need to compose anything here! Use your partner’s “energy”, simply confirm his words in an affirmative form. This is the essence of aikido - you do not resist the blow and do not respond with your own, but, as if dodging to the side, you allow the attacker to fly into the void and even help him in this. The blow failed, and you retained your health and energy.

When direct depreciation still fails, delayed depreciation can be used. If contact between partners has ceased, you can send a letter of amortization.

Preventative cushioning

The definition is given in the title itself. It can be used in industrial and family relationships, in cases where the conflict follows the same stereotype, when threats and reproaches take on the same form and the partner’s behavior is known in advance. We find a model of preventive depreciation in “The Adventures of the Good Soldier Schweik.” One of the heroes of the book, Second Lieutenant Dub, when talking with soldiers, usually said: “Do you know me? No, you don't know me! You know me from the good side, but you also know me from the bad side. I will make you cry." One day Schweik encountered Second Lieutenant Dub.

Why are you hanging around here? - he asked Schweik. - Do you know me?

I dare say I wouldn't like to get to know you on the bad side.

Second Lieutenant Dub was speechless with insolence, and Schweik calmly continued:

I dare to report that I only want to know you from the good side, so that you don’t bring me to tears, as you were so good as to promise last time.

Second Lieutenant Dub only had enough courage to yell:

Get out, you bastard, we'll talk to you later!

D. Carnegie in such cases suggests: “Say everything about yourself that your accuser is going to do, and you will take the wind out of his sails.” Or, as the proverb says: “The sword does not cut off a guilty head.”

So, basic principles of psychological depreciation:

1. Accept compliments calmly.

2.If you are satisfied with the offer, agree the first time.

3. Do not offer your services. Help when you've done your work.

4. Offer cooperation only once.

5. Don’t wait for people to criticize you, criticize yourself.

The principle of depreciation was developed on the basis of studying the practical application of transactional analysis - a psychotherapeutic method discovered and developed by the Californian psychotherapist E. Bern in the 50-70s of the 20th century.

Each of us has three self-states: Parent, Adult and Child.

Studying the communication of people, E. Berne described three I-states that every person has and which, in turn, and sometimes together, enter into external communication. Self-states are normal psychological phenomena of the human personality: Parent (R) - Adult (C) - Child (D) (figure).

All of them are necessary for life. The child is the source of our desires, desires, and needs. Here there is joy, intuition, creativity, fantasy, curiosity, spontaneous activity. But there are also fears, whims, discontent. In addition, the Child contains all psychic energy. For whom do we live? For the sake of the Child! This may be the best part of our personality.

An adult is necessary for survival. The child wants, the Adult does. An adult crosses the street, climbs mountains, makes an impression, gets food, builds a home, sews clothes, etc. The Adult controls the actions of the Parent and Child.

If an action is performed frequently and begins to be performed automatically, simply because it is so accepted, the Parent appears here. This is the autopilot that steers our ship correctly under normal conditions, which frees the Adult from making routine, everyday decisions, and these are the brakes that automatically keep us from rash actions. The parent is our conscience. Child's mottos - I want, I like; Adult - expedient, useful; Parents - must, cannot.

The purpose of transactional analysis is to find out which self-state sent the communicative stimulus and which self-state gave the response. Most often the stimulus and response come from the Adult. These are honest, simple transactions that typically take place in productive work. The mason lays the brickwork, and the assistant, correctly assessing the speed of his work, delivers the bricks and mortar on time. The professor gives a lecture, and the students take careful notes.

What time is it?

A quarter to eight.

We exchange information via the B-B line. Such a transaction can be called parallel. Parallel transactions also include R-R and D-D.

A.: The students don’t want to study at all.

B.: Yes, curiosity was higher before.

A.: What if after the last lecture you go to the movies?

B: Yes, that’s a good idea.

There is no conflict here and never will be. We work along the B-C line, we love and have fun along the D-D line, and we gossip along the R-R line. These transactions proceed in such a way that psychologically the partners are equal to each other.

First Law of Communication: as long as transactions are parallel, the communication process will proceed smoothly and for a long time.

The second type of parallel transactions - D-R and R-D - arises in a situation of guardianship, suppression, care (R-D) or helplessness, caprice, admiration of D-R. These are transactions of psychological inequality. And in this case, as long as the vectors coincide, there will be no conflict. Sometimes such relationships can last quite a long time. The father takes care of his son (while he is a minor), the boss tyrannizes his subordinates (while the latter have a financial incentive to endure). However, sooner or later this relationship will end, otherwise conflict will develop.

Examples of depreciation:

In the family(classic example by E. Bern):

Husband: Honey, can you tell me where my cufflinks are? (B-B).

Wife: You're not little anymore, it's time for you to know where your cufflinks are! Right where you left them! (R-D).

Husband: Yes, I’m not little, it’s time for me to know where my cufflinks are. But you see how dependent I am. But you are so economical to me. You know everything. I believe that you will teach me this too, etc. (D-R).

In the store:

Buyer: Can you tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs? (B-B).

Seller: Don’t you have eyes?! (R-D).

Buyer: I really don't have eyes. How sensitive you are. Nobody notices this, but you have wonderful eyes, and now you will tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs (D-R). (The queue laughed. The seller, in confusion, named the price of the goods.)

In production:

A.: Can you tell me which brand is better to use here? (B-B).

B.: Is it time for you to know these basic things? (R-D).

A.: It’s really time for me to know this. As soon as you have the patience to repeat the same thing to us a thousand times! (D-R).

In the examples above, the husband, the buyer and A correctly assessed the “I-state” of the wife, the seller and B - “Parent”, as well as the vector of their transaction R-D and applied psychological amortization, responding with a parallel transaction from the position of the Child (D-R) . The conflict ended before it began.

If husband, buyer and B were on autopilot and their Adult did not adequately assess the situation, they would respond with an overlapping transaction from the position of Parent, attacking the Child of wife, seller and A. Conflict would erupt .

Second Law of Communication: When transactions cross, communication stops and conflict develops.

Therefore, for effective depreciation, you need to see what position your partner is in and know which of your I-states the communicative stimulus is directed to. Your answer should become parallel. “Psychological strokes” and compliments go along the D-R line, offers for cooperation go along the B-B line, and “psychological blows” go along the R-D line.

The figure describes some signs by which you can quickly diagnose the condition in which your partner is.

The first task of a student of psychological aikido is to master the ability to remain in an adult position. It is useful to program questions into the Adult: “Is this true?”, “Is this applicable?”, “Where did I get this idea?” When you are in a bad mood, ask why your Parent is beating your Child. It is necessary to set aside time to make serious decisions. You need to constantly train your Adult.

Vadim Zeland in Transurfing calls the Adult “The Caretaker”. Your Caretaker must not fall asleep. Try to act consciously, and not automatically and routinely. Don't attach undue importance to your opponent's words. Don't swing the pendulum of conflict.

Another task is to bring your communication partner to an adult position, to awaken his Caretaker. Most often you have to do this in your job, when you receive a categorical order from your boss to complete a task that is not possible. It usually comes in an edifying tone along the R-D line. Your first move is to amortize (agree with everything) and then ask a business question. At the same time, you stimulate the thinking of your communication partner and he wakes up and takes the position of an Adult.

Chief: Do it immediately! (R-D).

Subordinate: Okay. (D-R). How? (B-B).

Chief: Figure it out for yourself! What are you here for? (R-D).

Subordinate: If I knew as much as you do, then I would also be a boss. (D-R).

Usually, after two or three amortization moves (the Chief’s Child is not affected), the Parent’s energy is depleted, and since there is no new supply, the partner descends to the position of the Adult.

During a conversation, you should always look into the eyes of your partner - this is the position of an Adult; in extreme cases, upward, as if surrendering to mercy, - the position of a Child. Under no circumstances should you look down. This is the position of the attacking Parent.

Depreciation is applicable in social life, in production, in family relationships and in conditions of their collapse. Here you need:

1. Accept the person as a whole, trying not to bump into his thorns.

2. Bring depreciation to completion, be able to wait for the result.

vkontakte

Aikido is a Japanese martial art that was created by Ueshiba Sorihei in the 1930s and 1940s. Translated from Japanese, “Aikido” is the path of harmonious development. Oriental martial arts is based on the principles protection, care and defense.
I think you will agree that in the life of every person there are problematic situations that cause a lot of unpleasant experiences. Experiences, clashes, conflicts can be due to the worldview component of a person, intellectual attack, forceful attack, sexual attacks, to unforeseen official and everyday troubles in the team and family.
No matter how perfect a person is, in such situations, the question still arises: how to be able to repel attacks, injections, attacks, while trying to remain in harmony with yourself and the world around you? Simply put, how to get out of conflict situations with minimal losses, while feeling confident, how to soften and absorb? A good example is the good soldier Schweik.
The good soldier Schweik did not respond to the insults of the offenders, but agreed with them. “Schweik, you idiot!” - they told him. He didn’t argue, but immediately agreed: “Yes, I’m an idiot!” - and won, as in an aikido fight, without touching the enemy.

Method of psychological depreciation

Thus, amortization is immediate agreement with the partner's arguments. We don’t make excuses, we don’t openly attack, but we soften the blow in our favor. The principle of depreciation was developed based on the study and practical application of transactional analysis - a psychotherapeutic method discovered and developed by the Californian psychotherapist E. Bern in the 50-70s of our century.
Let's imagine shock absorption in the form of a spring that softens the blow:

so maybe depreciation immediate, proactive, and delayed.

Momentary depreciation- when you were immediately able to repel the attack at the moment of attack, softening the situation in your favor...
Anticipatory depreciation- when you yourself, without allowing your partner to speak out, repel the attack and soften the attack yourself.
Deferred depreciation- when, for some reason, you were unable to answer immediately. Then a depreciation letter is usually written.

Here is one of the universal depreciation formulas, and its diagram is simple:
YES, FEELINGS, QUESTION.

YES - we agree

- talking about feelings

? - ask a question

Example of current depreciation-

Yes, you are right, I was not tactful, I can imagine how you feel now, how can I correct this situation?
. Yes, I have big ears, I feel great, how does this nuance interfere with our business?

Example of a proactive situation-

Yes, I was late, and I deserve everything...., I can imagine how you feel now, I myself don’t like it when people are late, how can I correct my guilt?

Here are more examples of successful depreciation:

Example No. 1. Khoja

Khoja came to the bathhouse. The bath attendant, knowing that Khoja was a poor man, gave him a holey basin and a torn towel. Khoja did not say anything to this, but after washing himself, he gave the bathhouse attendant twice as much money as he was supposed to. When Khoja came to the same bathhouse a week later, the bath attendant, remembering Khoja’s generosity, served him well. When leaving, Hoxha paid half as much as usual.
- Why do you pay so little? - the bathhouse attendant was surprised.
- And I’m not paying for today, but for last time.
- When will you pay for today?
- But I paid for today last time. - Khoja answered. (The Adventures of Khoja Nasreddin)

Example No. 2. Jesus and the woman

1 Jesus went up to the Mount of Olives.
2 And in the morning he came again to the temple, and all the people came to him. He sat down and taught them.
3 Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman taken in adultery, and, placing her in the midst,
4 They said to Him: Teacher! this woman was taken in adultery;
5 But Moses commanded us in the law to stone such people: What do you say?
6 But they said this to tempt Him, that they might find something to accuse Him of. But Jesus, bending low, wrote with his finger on the ground, not paying attention to them.
7 When they continued asking Him, He bowed down and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”
8 And again, bending low, he wrote on the ground.
9 When they heard this and were convicted by their conscience, they began to go away one by one, beginning from the oldest to the last; and only Jesus remained and the woman standing in the middle.
(John 8:1-9).

Example No. 3. And finally, another example of depreciation, from the same good soldier Schweik:

Are you loyal to your country?
- I am glad to die for the Motherland together with Your Excellency.

Signs of successful psychological depreciation are:

Interruption of the energy flow on the part of the attacker, violation of his psychological integrity, which can be expressed in a slight stupor;
. eliminating psychological discomfort in the attacked person.
With successful psychological amortization, the attacked person should not have feelings of resentment, irritation, or a sense of resistance on the part of the attacked person.
Otherwise, this is not depreciation, but an ordinary scandal.

So, I wish you harmony and success.

Literature

1. A.G. Safronov. We attack - we are attacked. Theory and practice of psychological aikido
2. M. Litvak. Psychological Aikido

"Psychological Aikido", the principle of depreciation

M.E. Litvak developed the theory of so-called “psychological aikido.” This is a view of communication as a kind of psychological combat, since communication is based on the same principles - defense, care, attack and defense. Only in psychological struggle there are no winners and losers: either both lose, or both win. M.E. Litvak proposes the principle of depreciation. The theory of depreciation was developed on the basis of the theory of transactional analysis by E. Berne; a transaction is an interaction, an act of communication between people who are in a certain ego state (more on this below).

The word "depreciation" literally means "killing"; to cushion means to soften, moderate, weaken.

Amortization is immediate agreement with the partner’s arguments, whatever they may be. Depreciation happens immediate, delayed and preventive.

Direct depreciation used when people flatter you, invite you to cooperate, or try to insult or criticize you. Agreeing with a compliment allows you to respond with dignity, regardless of whether the compliment was genuine or an attempt at manipulation. If the invitation to cooperate is genuine and you immediately agree, you save time, and if they only wanted to play with you, this will be revealed immediately. If they try to spin you on emotions, an amortizing response (agreeing with criticism or insult) literally disarms the enemy. Let us remember the saying: “A match will not light on a mirror.”

Deferred depreciation- This is a deferred amortization response, usually in writing. This method allows you to think carefully about what you can say and gives your partner time to maneuver.

Preventative cushioning is used when conflicts follow the same scenario, the reproaches are of the same type and you know exactly what you will hear. You begin to criticize yourself, the tension subsides.

Do not offer your services, help only when you have finished your work and when you have time. If you offer your help, do it only once, do not persuade.

Important Note: Manipulators often take advantage of shifting responsibility onto the victim. For example, they begin to complain about troubles until the victim herself volunteers to help. In extreme cases, she may still be reproached for this: after all, indeed, no one asked her for help.

One of the principles of amortization says: do not offer your services, help only when you have finished your work, when you have time. If you offer your help, do it only once, do not persuade.

In some conflict situations, the so-called “super-absorption” is also useful: when you not only agree with those who attack you, but also slander yourself even more.

It is better to give way to a dog than to let it bite you, insisting on your rights. Even if you kill a dog, the bite will still be a bite.

Abraham Lincoln

How does this work? According to the theory of E. Berne, each of us has three personalities, or Ego states - Parent, Adult and Child (Child). M.E. Litvak writes: “We work along the B-B line, love and have fun along the D-D line, and gossip along the R-R line.” These transactions proceed in such a way that psychologically the partners are equal to each other. These are transactions of psychological equality - the first type. Analysis of parallel transactions allowed Berne to formulate the most important law of communication: “As long as transactions are parallel, the communication process will proceed smoothly and for a long time.”

Please note that compliments go along the D-R line, offers for cooperation go along the B-B line, and “psychological blows” go along the R-D line.

Any of us at some point in communication is in one of three positions.

The parent is responsible for the rules of behavior, norms, prohibitions, as well as for the protection and support of the inner Child. If a person communicates from the position of a Parent, you can hear from him, for example, the following: “Shame on you!”, “Here you are wrong,” “Who does this?”, “Under no circumstances.”

An adult is a rational, adequate person, capable of objectively assessing the situation and adapting to it. The adult ego state is responsible for collecting and analyzing information and making decisions. An adult says this: “Sorry, I didn’t understand you,” “Let’s try this,” “Let’s discuss...”.

A child is a person at the mercy of emotions. It is the Child who experiences and expresses joy, fear, grief and other feelings. The child says: “I want / I don’t want!”, “I will / I won’t,” “I’m tired of all this,” “I love / I hate.”

Both the Adult and the Parent live and act to ensure that the Child is happy. There is a type of Natural Child, who lives by impulses, and an Adapted Child, on whom the Parent has such a strong influence that he becomes overly conforming (adjusting), timid, and bashful. The Child may also rebel against the Parent.

Conflicts usually proceed like this: the first interlocutor has something (said in this conversation or experienced earlier) that hurts the inner Child, and the Parent rushes to his rescue. The Parent addresses the Child of the second interlocutor from a top-down position. He can present reproaches, insults, ridicule, etc. to someone else’s inner Child.

In accordance with the principle of depreciation, the conflict will be resolved if the Parent of the first interlocutor is answered by the Child of the second - and responds with agreement with his arguments. Of course, for this, the actions of the Child must be controlled by a reasonable Adult. If the inner Child of the second interlocutor also becomes offended, the Parent of the second will take the floor, who will again attack the inner Child of the first interlocutor.

So, in no case should you take the position of a Parent attacking someone else’s Inner Child.

To avoid conflicts, you need to practice remaining in the position of an Adult yourself, and in bringing your interlocutor into the position of an Adult. To do this, you first need to agree with the interlocutor, and then ask him constructive questions.

If we are talking about manipulation, the shock absorption technique will help you first of all when the interlocutor attacks your inner Child with flattery or reproaches. If you immediately agree with a manipulator, you are exhibiting unpredictable behavior. And then, from the position of an Adult, you begin to ask questions about how to resolve the issue constructively and with mutual benefit. If you practice, in some cases you will be able to bring the manipulator also to the position of an Adult, and then your communication will be productive for both of you.