How to get rid of selfishness in relationships and family? A method of getting rid of egoism. Recognize that they have no respect for others

You understood the concepts of good and bad as a child. Helping mom is good. Not cleaning up your plate is bad. Feeding stray dogs is good. Forgetting about your own Barsik’s breakfasts and lunches is bad. Coming to the aid of friends is good. Thinking only about yourself is bad. And although the last point was learned as firmly as all the previous ones, applying it in practice sometimes becomes too difficult.
Perhaps you yourself understand that sometimes you should make some concessions to others and give less importance to your own person. Or don't understand...

Data and Implications

Everyone knows what selfishness is. Self-love that has crossed all boundaries. But is it so bad to walk under the slogan “If you don’t praise yourself, no one will praise you” and not get tired of turning it into reality? In the end, indeed, sometimes you won’t get far without self-love. But what distinguishes selfishness from other manifestations of emotional sympathy for oneself is a disregard for others.
Selfishness sometimes hides under a variety of arguments. Some people simply clear the way with their elbows to the detriment of others, being interested only in their own desires. And someone is convinced that everyone around them should follow only his principles and desires. The inability to compromise is a hallmark of egoists.

Logical conclusions

Sometimes it is quite difficult to distinguish your own petty whims from a real total fixation on your own person. The line between a healthy choice in your favor and a friendly concession is sometimes so fragile that you can easily destroy it with the pressure of your own ambition.
Before you attribute such a simple but meaningful word “selfish” to the description of your own personality, you will have to conduct more than one session of the deepest excavations on the fronts of your own subconscious and debriefing of all the actions you have committed.
Understanding whether you are truly selfish is quite difficult on your own. Listen to the subtle hints of your friends, don’t ignore all the gossip and... don’t take the word for everything you hear. You shouldn’t categorically deny all attacks directed at you, but immediately believing the words is not an option. Psychological tests, which you can find in large quantities on the Internet, will help you understand yourself.

The other extreme is to live for the sake of others. Forgetting about your own interests, please others. It's important to be good, right? Or not really. It is better to approach ideals along roads paved with precise plans that will definitely lead to your goal. Living, worrying exclusively about the problems of others, is the same as marking time and waving a handkerchief to friends who are rushing into a beautiful and built future.

How to overcome the egoist in yourself

Having noticed selfish tendencies in yourself, you can congratulate yourself on the beginning of a huge, tedious, but very important struggle with your own egoism. But everything is not so scary - all you need is... constant self-control. Do not drift away in conversations to discuss personal problems and yourself, and less often impose your opinion on others.
You came to such a difficult conclusion as accepting yourself as an egoist for a reason. Therefore, in your thought-processing base you already have a whole list of your actions and misdeeds. Review them, think about when exactly you behaved too selfishly and... try not to do that again.;)
There is another great practice - develop the habit of asking your friends about their lives. The usual “how are you?”, the answer to which is always “fine”, does not count. Sincerely ask about events that happened in the life of the interlocutor. And try no less sincerely to understand.

Third party observations

It’s not that difficult to give a verdict to your friend. Who, if not you, knows how often she forgets about other people's opinions, being interested only in her own? Who else, if not you, suffers from these very attacks of her selfishness, when all beliefs become useless, and she herself becomes simply unbearable.
True, since you are still friends, then the situation is not so sad - it is impossible to talk with real egoists - their range of topics is usually limited to their own person. But if you are not distinguished by your strength of character, then you might not have noticed that you have been dancing to your friend’s tune for a long time - those interests that you have come to consider as your own are in fact imposed. Is this why you went on a run that you hated, succumbing to her persuasion, or refused to walk with people who are important to you, but completely uninteresting to her?
You can part with the dream of re-education - it is almost impossible to remake an egoist if he himself does not want it. And it’s unlikely to convince him of the need for change. Just don’t confuse rare outbursts of harmfulness with real selfishness, otherwise you risk losing all your friends.

The ancient people had a tough approach to solving problems - anyone who was different, weak or sick was worth killing. Now it seems barbaric, but people still continue to stick to their old habits. Only instead of axes, they destroy other people with selfishness. This character trait is fueled by fear, the primal fear that exists in each of us. In this state, people are ready to behave like animals. It is almost impossible to completely get rid of selfishness, but it is quite possible to control yourself. Eight simple ways can help you.

You can deal with selfishness if you accept your character

There are certain patterns of behavior that are characteristic of any person. Many of them were necessary for survival. But in normal situations, you shouldn't let yourself get out of control. For centuries, people have tried to change according to social norms. The genetic code of domesticated dogs and cats changes, and the same happens to people. So you should not be afraid of innate tendencies - it is completely natural to struggle and cope with them.

Start destroying the egoist in yourself

You can tame a person by coping with all his shortcomings. By curbing your instincts and wild tendencies, you control your ego. When selfishness begins to manifest itself in your character, try to restrain its appearance by pretending that you do not have such a trait. However, resistance to evil tendencies can be incredibly powerful. You must train yourself to remain in control in any situation. The whole point of socialization and taming yourself is to always save face and remain human.

Don't try to deny your shortcomings

What happens when someone notices your shortcomings and starts criticizing you? Everything that is most primal awakens in you. You are returning to an uncivilized state when all problems were solved by aggression. If you feel threatened by someone's ideas or presence, you become aggressive. Even if you like someone but don't have the same feelings, aggression cannot be avoided. The same thing happens in situations where you feel weaker. Your selfishness leads to such an inadequate reaction. If you suppress negativity, one day you may relapse. You need to learn how to release tension correctly.

You can deal with selfishness if you understand that it is a natural part of every person

In fact, a certain amount of selfishness is necessary for you to survive. When you decide to suppress it completely, you forget about the natural parts of your personality. You limit yourself, you cannot relax and act spontaneously. If you have serious problems controlling your ego, let it go. Learn to live in the moment. Over time, you will realize that disorder and chaos can also be a source of inspiration. You shouldn’t be afraid of them, you should use them as an advantage, if it’s impossible to get rid of chaos under almost any conditions.

You can deal with selfishness if you don't control everything around you.

Selfishness forces you to control everything that surrounds you. The control freak is trying to find not friends, but obedient pets. He tries to keep people on a leash, not giving them the right to their own will. The egoist forces people to obey their own desires and love him for who he is. But in reality, few people are ready to be a pet. You must learn not only to take, but also to give. Accept people for who they are. Your communication experience can serve as a wonderful life lesson. Over time, you will become better than you were, even if you cannot forget about selfishness forever and retain your previous character traits.

You can destroy selfishness by unlearning how to judge people

Those who like to control everything also have a habit of constantly judging everyone. They feel safe only when everything goes according to their opinions and tastes. If you want to get rid of this tendency, stop judging and criticizing everyone around you. Learn to accept everyone as they are, do not change them according to your own beliefs - this is still impossible, as you will only ruin the life of yourself and your loved ones or friends.

You will forget about selfishness if you learn to confront yourself

We all have a bully in us. Perhaps you were offended by your parents, friends or relatives. Now you perceive any conflict as a reason for aggressive behavior. You immediately become angry and perceive the other person as a threat. You are driven by fear. It’s not normal to be in a constant state of aggression and fear; you simply won’t be able to think adequately. Control your own outbursts of selfishness, try to determine what makes you do this.

Your selfishness can be your friend

If you have problems with anger outbursts, are impulsive, which you often regret, and constantly argue with people, try to face your problem. It arises out of fear. The reason for this fear is a feeling of insecurity. You can only allow yourself to be weak when you are confident in your safety. Figure out what is causing you concern. Why do you constantly feel threatened? Start thinking differently, imagine that you are surrounded by peace and comfort. Selfishness is a natural feeling, it is difficult to control because it is driven by instincts. But if you learn to accept it and control yourself properly, life can change in incredible ways.

“Egoism does not mean living the way you want, it is demanding others to live the way you want,” Oscar Wilde.

If you are forced to go somewhere, but it threatens your health (physical or mental), and in the end you decide to refuse, then this is healthy selfishness (it should be). But if you forbid a friend to go to a meeting he wants, because it will make you feel safer, this is selfishness that needs to be fought.

Selfishness is a style of human behavior based on extracting one’s own benefit from everything and satisfying exclusively one’s own interests, contrary to the interests and desires of other people. There is a concept of reasonable egoism and unreasonable one.

Reasonable selfishness is necessary for survival, building your own life and career. More often found in a group of people, such as a family. Blood ties are extremely powerful, especially in light of stereotypes. It is believed that relatives must be helped (morally and financially). But whether this should be done to the detriment of one’s health and condition, the standard of living of one’s own family (spouse and children) is a question to be answered. Everyone will answer in their own way, but I believe that reasonable egoism is vital for a person. Selfishness helps to achieve the goal of your own life.
In the case when a person is categorical in any little detail, is not able to make compromises and concessions, and forces everyone to “dance to his tune,” unhealthy egoism is observed. This is a negative trait that destroys family, friendships and professional relationships. with such a person it is difficult and accompanied by many.

Reasonable egoism can be characterized as “I don’t touch you, and you don’t touch me,” that is, a person goes towards his goal, but does not interfere with others. Unhealthy egoism forces you to “go over your head,” destroy people’s plans, and plot intrigues. Makes a person angry and cynical.

“It is obvious that by nature, everyone is dear to himself,” Cicero.

The concept of egoism is closely related to the term “individualism”. Let's look at this concept in a broad sense. Modern society is built on the idea of individuality, self-development, self-actualization, which cannot be said about the past years of communism. Back then, almost all goals were common, and therefore little was said about selfishness. Moreover, he was categorically rejected by society. Today, thinking about yourself first is encouraged. Perhaps the growing personal egoism in modern people is the cost of changing the socio-economic situation of the country. There is a suspicion that selfishness is indeed necessary (in reasonable quantities) to survive, provide for and protect oneself and one's family (wife/husband, children).

Types and forms of unhealthy selfishness

Dictatorial egoism, or “everyone must serve my interests.”
Selfishness of one’s own exclusivity, or “everyone should be a moralist except me if it’s not beneficial for me.”
Anarchic egoism, or “everyone has the right to be an egoist, to pursue their own interests whenever they please.”

In my opinion, few people in the modern world mistake the latter form for selfishness. The second is called “double standards” and we have also long been accustomed to it. But the first type of egoism never goes unnoticed and is unacceptable even for a society of individualists.

Among the forms of egoism one can distinguish super-egoism and egoism-self-destruction:

The motto of the first is: “I am everything, the rest are nothing.”
The motto of the second: “Look what a nonentity I am.”

Sometimes selfishness is mistakenly identified with egocentrism or considered a form of selfishness. This is wrong. (inability to understand other people's situation) is a completely different topic.

Characteristics of a selfish person

Selfishness is associated with irresponsibility, deception and indifference. If we look at the problem on a large scale, what can we say about an egoist (except that he achieves his goals to the detriment and detriment of the interests of other people)?

He is loud and confrontational.
He has a poorly developed system of values and principles, conscience, sense of duty and self-esteem.
He is a frivolous and often lazy, careless person who ignores rules and responsibilities.
He will not intervene in a fight or conflict that he witnesses (even if children are fighting or animals are being hurt).
He will not be embarrassed by the unkempt appearance of his interlocutor; he may not even notice it.
He will not be embarrassed by the mess in the room (he is used to the mess, because it is inside him).
He ignores any advice, including truly useful and friendly ones.
He ignores demands.
It is difficult for him to engage in activities that require conscientiousness, responsibility, and honed skills and abilities. He doesn't like this job.
He does not know how to empathize and is not distinguished by empathy.
He is also rational.

Getting rid of unhealthy egoism

“After all, all I want is for everything to always be my way,” Bernard Shaw.

What to do if selfishness is so ingrained in you that because of it there is nothing to protect, because no work, no friends, no family, no self-love? P.S. Yes, don’t be surprised, selfishness and self-love are not identical concepts.

Stop reproaching yourself for selfishness and considering it your sin or vice. Don't get hung up on the idea of getting rid of it. Don’t rush between “egoism is needed, it’s good” and “egoism is not needed, it’s bad.” Selfishness is good in reasonable quantities; it needs to be controlled, not destroyed. More precisely, we are even talking about developing love for oneself and others, self-acceptance. It is human nature to transfer his qualities or attitude towards himself to other people. He who loves himself is able to love others. He who does not love others probably also hates himself, and therefore acts selfishly (E. Fromm).
What is love for another and for oneself ()? This is confidence in one's own life, taking responsibility, caring and respect, knowing oneself and others. You need to cultivate these qualities in yourself.
Don't allow yourself to do this and don't do it yourself.
Take care of your life, don’t let your individuality be deprived. Learn to value the life, freedom and personality of every person. Develop tolerance.
Improve your communication skills. Learn conflict-free communication.
Study your psychological characteristics (,) and learn to understand other people. An egoist, as a rule, does not know his capabilities and does not see his own potential. As a result, the higher ones remain unformed and undeveloped (self-realization, self-actualization), attention is concentrated on the lower needs (material benefits and security). Higher needs allow an individual to assert himself, develop himself and at the same time help other people.
Expand your attention span. Learn to think big. Selfishness, that is, petty attempts at self-affirmation at the expense of others, is a consequence of a lack of understanding of the missing link for full personal self-realization and harmony. Have you noticed that charity and generous tips are an integral part of the lives of successful people? No, they do not want public attention to be focused on this (not all of them). This is their new need, which came with harmony and self-actualization. We are not just talking about “stars”, these people live among us, “mere mortals”.
Learn to respect and appreciate yourself, accept and love yourself, adjust your self-esteem, cultivate self-esteem. By the way, a worthy person will not allow himself to offend others, infringe on their interests and ruin lives.
Famous psychologists of the past and present argue that an inferiority complex is often hidden behind egoism. Moreover, it is not always realized by the person himself. Understand yourself, visit a psychologist.
Remember the portrait of an egoist described in the previous paragraph of the article, and act according to the “by contradiction” method. That is, destroy or correct what is applicable to you.

Sharing the position of the German psychologist Erich Fromm, I will say that the means of getting rid of egoism is a productive life, full of creativity and action. Striving to live and create, you yourself will not notice how instead of enemies you will be surrounded by friends, and instead of failures and limitations - successes and opportunities.

In any invention, work of art, song, product of production there is a share of egoism, and a considerable one. But this is the same healthy egoism mixed with altruism, the golden mean. You will receive recognition, self-satisfaction and income, and society will be a useful product. Everyone is happy, no one considers anyone selfish.

Conclusion

Selfishness is an echo of the instinct of self-preservation, and therefore is inherent in all mentally healthy people (this has been confirmed by many studies by psychologists, sociologists and psychoanalysts). Based on this position, I dare to say that unhealthy egoism is a consequence of an absent sense of security, low self-esteem, and lack of self-acceptance. The more often you have to defend yourself, the more selfishness develops as a character trait. What or who are you protecting yourself from?

Egoism is a philosophy of life, a person’s worldview, expressed in words and actions.
How to get rid of selfishness? Change your worldview, understand your inner world.
People are not born selfish, they become them.
Delve into yourself and answer the question: who or what made you like this?
Then you need to solve problems as you “dig them out”, step by step.

Don't forget about the other side of the coin - and heroism. This is also abnormal behavior, in which not the interests of others, but yours and those close to you, will be at risk. Creating something for society, self-realization in love and profession is the best option. Normal behavior in the context of “egoism-altruism” is doing something well and with pleasure for the benefit of oneself and society.

“If we want to help something in any way, it must first become our own, selfish cause,” Friedrich Engels.

Is your man an EGOIST? Do you want to learn how to manage an egoistic man? Is a man like this in relationships “for life” or can you fight it? - Let's find out...

Many men claim that women are the most selfish creatures in the world. However, egoists are often found among the male population! Even the kindest, sweetest and most cheerful person can turn out to be selfish.

Men are different. Manifestation of selfishness too. What to do if this nasty egoistic trait manifests itself in a reluctance to provide help, for example, with household chores? Distribute household responsibilities.

Set just one condition:“I will not do anything until you do what has been entrusted to you.”

Is a man so selfish that he doesn’t even show minimal concern for you?

Make him feel guilty! Let him suffer a little. Let's look at “representation” using a simple example.

Example

Approach him and ask in an offended tone:“why didn’t you share with me?”

For the sake of your loved one you are ready to do anything

Save money as much as possible, deny yourself little things in order to “save” extra money for the man. He's just happy about it!

Does your “happiness” go to clubs, restaurants, casinos, without denying yourself anything?

What to do? Change your life beyond recognition! Start with shopping. Take your savings and go to the supermarket to buy yourself a lot of new and beautiful things. Then come to the guy and tell him that you really want to drink a martini and eat strawberries. Make a list of everything you want to see next to you.

Don't feel sorry for the man!

Let him go shopping. Show in every possible way and with emotions that you are not going to do anything more for him. Then egoism will “move aside”!

The selfishness that lives in a man can be “cured” with cunning!

Imagine this situation... A man comes to you and expects regular compliments from you (to which he has long been accustomed).

Smile, look the man straight in the eyes and say the following:“You are my best! And if you buy me a beautiful dress, you will be perfect!”

The statistics are encouraging - it works!

Male egoism from personal life...

Yesterday one girl told us a personal story and asked us to help her. We promised that we will definitely help!

But first, let's share her story (she gave permission): “My husband spends almost all his time in front of a laptop monitor! I'm not exaggerating! This is true, unfortunately. He gives me gifts, brings me coffee, fulfills my requests. But he does this only during breaks, during a short break from the laptop and the Internet!

I think he's quite selfish

Now I will explain why I think this way. I ask my beloved to invite me somewhere, can you imagine? I am always the initiator in all matters. I'm so tired of having to “beg” for his attention!

Addiction is something impossible!

At first I thought that I could get used to this lifestyle. Now I understand that addiction is something impossible! I tried to talk to him. He understood everything (so it seemed to me). The beloved promised that he would try with all his might to change. A lot of time has passed. I did not find any changes in my loved one. The most annoying thing is that I am only able to “tear” him away from the monitor when I call him somewhere outside the apartment or to the kitchen (to have a snack, drink coffee).

I manage to distract him by flirting

Which one? - “molestations” and sex. Is this really life? He believes that his attention, which is “disguised” in courtship and care, is quite enough for me. I'm crying like a little girl. It's hard for me. I don’t want to live like this anymore! Now you will think that I am also selfish, because I use the pronoun “I” a lot... Your idea is wrong! I do everything for my husband. Not only do I take care of him, not only am I interested in his affairs, but I also “take him out” for walks, invite him to various parties, and plan shopping (for him). He appreciates it, but he is not able to “part with” the laptop... This is some kind of horror!

She has several options:

The first option is addiction. If the lover has enough strength to get used to this way of life, then she will be able to continue to be with him.
The second option is a new life. You can live a completely different life. A lover should think about herself! Let her see her friends more often, go for walks somewhere, participate in various cultural events... Then, perhaps, the man will understand and realize that he was wrong.

There are worse situations than this! When men get sick, they are the most unhappy and poor. If their spouses get sick, it doesn’t matter! Almost all men react to this like this: “no big deal!” The reasons for such selfishness are mostly understandable. They were “over-sorted” and “over-spoiled” by their mothers!

The selfishness of men is a serious and terrible “thing”! Many people cannot get rid of it. And many demand to be perceived as they are at the moment.

Life with an egoist is a terrible life!

Selfishness cannot be killed completely, but it is possible to correct it. Start with the “important little things”!

If, for example, a man constantly talks only about himself, do not be afraid to interrupt him and talk about what worries you. This “impolite” method will gradually teach your boyfriend (spouse) to listen to you and listen to you.

Remember that re-educating an egoist can take a very long time. Be patient if you dream of achieving your goal!

Is it worth building relationships with men who are selfish?

If there is love, then there is no escape! Men are able to “suppress” their egoism a little if they truly fall in love, until they lose their pulse. However, they will still show themselves (sooner or later).

Men who are distinguished by their selfish “disposition” also have many positive traits inside them. They show them mixed with their egoism.

Switch things up. . .

Greedy egoist! -

The simplest form of egoism is innate egoism. People live with him all their lives, but when they meet their love, they often change for the better. These people can become the most caring people in the world, and even if they cannot change themselves, they still see their selfishness from the outside and do not develop this quality. The other half has time to see, discern this in his or her loved one and understand whether he or she can put up with it.

There is a second scenario where a person acquired this quality while already in a relationship. It can destroy love, trust or friendship overnight. The fact is that selfishness is the worst enemy of love, its direct opposite. Selfishness is dangerous because a person begins to do something not for two people, but for himself, changing his priorities and behavior. For example, a selfish partner may try to change a loved one or forbid him something. But this approach is fundamentally wrong, because it makes the relationship disharmonious.

How to deal with selfishness

The fight against selfishness must be supported by the desire of this person to change. It's always easier to get rid of problems together, so trust your other half too. The fight begins with awareness of the problem. Until a person understands that he is doing something wrong, he will not be cured. It is necessary to convey to your partner logical arguments showing that he only cares about himself, while you have to think for both. Sometimes your significant other may do this not even on purpose, being sincerely confident that everything is in order. So before you boil over with discontent, try to convey what the essence of the problem is. Well, if you are the egoist in a couple, think about it, because your weaknesses can ultimately destroy a happy life together.

The second point is desire to fight selfishness. Every day it is necessary to monitor any manifestations of selfishness. To do this, you can and should use the help of a loved one. It is important to remember self-control and prevent manifestations of a selfish approach, when all decisions are made only in favor of one of the two. It's difficult, but everyone can do it. If you are an egoist, then the very desire to change will show your significant other that you are thinking about the future and want only the best for both of you. And if your life is connected with an egoist, make sure that he really wants to change, and work on the problem together.