There is no need to feel sorry for the little man often. Mothers sometimes say: “I’ll do it myself, when you grow up, you’ll get the hang of it.” And such a position is very harmful to the character of a person growing up. He does not perform basic duties and does not take responsibility. The mother is not trying to harm, she is only trying to isolate her child from heavy worries until a certain period, but thanks to this, important qualities are not developed. In the future, the child will not want to work; there is a high probability that he will always live at the expense of his parents.
Self pity
Some people like to complain about fate, talking about how unlucky they are with their parents or other circumstances. This is a way to shift responsibility from your shoulders to others. People usually have the opportunity to build their lives comfortably, but it takes work, study and effort. And it’s much easier to sit without money and work, blaming others for failures.
There is no need to feel sorry for yourself if something doesn’t work out in life. Firstly, you should look back and think about what you are doing in life. Sometimes failures occur because the field of work is chosen incorrectly. If so, change your seat. Secondly, think, have you done everything for your success? Did you improve, develop, and accomplish something every day to become a better person and get more out of the world? Realize that the amount of money and success depend on your ability to work, and start doing something.
Pity for the weak
There is no need to feel sorry for the old woman or homeless animals. Your emotions will not make their life better. Show your feelings through actions. You can help an adult by going to the store for him, you can feed a dog or cat on the street, or even take them into your home. Today it is possible to participate in charity events, make donations, visit orphanages and medical centers for the disabled, donate blood for transfusion and much more. Look for your own way of supporting other people, but do not regret it, because this feeling can humiliate a person and cause him great pain.
Instructions
Get rid of feelings pity necessary simply because in this way they refer to creatures that are wretched or defective. Pity is quite appropriate for a street kitten with a broken leg - it is not his fault and he simply will not survive if you do not leave him. But when you start to feel sorry for an adult who has nothing wrong with his arms and legs, you deliberately make him miserable. You give him the right to use your life resources without being weaker, more unhappy, or richer than you.
Realize that your pity does not help your neighbor at all. She discourages him from making any efforts himself, working on himself and on arranging his own life. The more you feel sorry for him, the deeper he will plunge into his problems and, in the end, he will also blame you for them. Since you feel sorry for him, he will soon begin to believe that he is worthy of this pity, and will gladly allow you to solve his life problems and provide for his needs.
It is human nature to value his work and his efforts, but he does not always adequately appreciate what others do. Don't expect gratitude from the person you are helping from feelings pity, it simply won't exist. If you really want to help, just shake him up, even scold him, awaken his ambitions and make it clear that no one is going to bother with him. You can only help someone who is doing something, and not someone who is just going with the flow.
Understand that your pity has a detrimental effect on a person and his soul. Replace this feeling and show your love, care and attention. These are the ones feelings will become a real manifestation of mercy, will help him cope with misfortune, arrange his life.
When a person knows that you are not indifferent to him and his fate, but you believe in his fortitude and will, he will be happy and proud to prove to you that your faith was justified. Only in this case will you really help and even save the person, only then will he be sincerely grateful to you.
Video on the topic
The successes of friends and loved ones can become a serious test of the strength of relationships. Not everyone can accept other people's victories with joy. Blame it on varying degrees - feelings, corroding from the inside and preventing you from enjoying life.
Instructions
Start by realizing that you really feel jealous of a certain person. This insidious feeling can “masquerade” as inexplicable hostility or reluctance to cross paths with a more successful acquaintance. Do not extinguish it under any circumstances and do not try to lie to yourself that you actually treat the person well and rejoice at his successes. Unleash yours feelings m for a while and then try to analyze them. Think about what price a person pays for the possession of these goods? What are the reasons that you cannot have similar values. Perhaps, if you understand that your neighbor is “paying for” a new car with sleepless nights and overload at work, you will look at the situation more calmly and objectively.
If the feeling envy overwhelms you so much that common sense is out of the question, try to switch. It is unlikely that in such emotional moments you should work on yourself and get rid of the thing that is corroding you. envy. Distract yourself with something interesting, start watching an exciting movie, go to an exhibition, or just do meditation. Your goal is to make previous thoughts irrelevant. Try to calm down and maintain a positive attitude.
Pity is a feeling directed at oneself, another person, a living being, associated with negative experiences and a feeling of discomfort. Unpleasant sensations indicate a discrepancy between reality and a person’s internal ideas, resistance to what is happening and a desire to correct it. Such motives may or may not be conscious, controllable, or develop into a desire to change the world according to one’s own parameters. Being a subjective feeling, pity manifests itself not only in objective moments of tragedy, but in moments of a person’s disagreement with what is happening (even if it is harmonious and completely suits others).
The object of pity is perceived as insufficient, unfortunate, in a harmful situation caused by circumstances or other beings. A feeling of pity can arise together with sympathy, and then we can talk about empathy and the desire to improve the lot of the person pitied, to forgive weaknesses. Or it can arise together with a feeling of superiority, then self-aggrandizing and ego-warming behavioral reactions arise. In addition to the fact that this feeling is experienced directly towards people or oneself, pity is possible about the loss of things, a previous way of life, friendships and other things or categories that are important in a person’s life. Pity associated with loss is close to sadness or arises simultaneously in it.
The opposite of pity is cruelty, when a person deprived of any feelings of empathy and understanding of another’s suffering can become ruthless in his demands, words, and behavior. This is manifested by impatience, the lack of internal ability to take the place of another person. In any case, no matter how it is expressed and no matter where pity is directed, it causes a feeling of discomfort, since it points to flaws and shortcomings, one’s own or the people around you.
What is pity
The concept of pity is a feeling that has both positive and negative characteristics. On the one hand, it is this feeling that makes a person humane, capable of compassion and empathy, on the other hand, when expressed rudely and incorrectly, pity humiliates a person, both the one being pitied and the one feeling sorry. In the peculiarities of some cultures, the unacceptability of this manifestation has been noticed, considering pity to be tantamount to weakness of the one who succumbed to this feeling and disbelief in the one being pitied. If we look in more detail, pity humiliates a person when it disguises schadenfreude (sympathetic speeches are pronounced to please society, often in an exaggerated form, in order to further emphasize the negative situation and enjoy), usually this is an inactive shaking of air, no help is provided. A feeling of superiority over someone who finds himself in a less fortunate situation, of some contempt for him can also take the form of pity; here the exaltation of one’s own person comes to the fore and, if any help is provided, it is solely for the sake of developing one’s own image.
There are many examples of silent, humiliating pity: when they feel sorry for an employee who came with a black eye, but do not report it to the police, when they give a treat to a neighbor’s kid, but do not react with action to the screams when he is beaten by his parents, when they absolve alcoholics of responsibility, generously forgiving them for drunken antics, etc. . Such manifestations are disastrous for both participants in the situation: one’s soul becomes callous, and the other ceases to feel responsibility, feeling only his own worthlessness, and ceases even to strive to change the situation.
Creative pity is always supported by actions and concrete help: volunteering in an orphanage, and not empty speculation about the fate of poor children, sympathy and help to the patient should be expressed in caring for him or providing the necessary medications, instead of heavy sighs at the bedside. Even in the development of a child, pity is necessary, not when he is protected from the world so that he does not get hurt, but when he is taught to interact, independently heal skinned knees and fight back against offenders.
Pity can appear in any area of human life, touching both regret about the past time, lost things, sadness over past memories and departed people, and situations occurring right now, when we are faced with the injustice of life in the form of disabled people, beggars, homeless people, trapped people. in an accident. People feel sorry for their parents, children, employees and online acquaintances, but not everyone understands that, suffering from such feelings, they do not always benefit those with whom they supposedly sympathize, in addition, some are able to use such tendencies and put pressure on pity in order to realize own benefit.
Conventionally, pity can be divided according to its effect into harmful and creative. Destructive pity manifests itself in depriving a person of duties and responsibilities, with its disbelief and pity killing in him the tendencies for development and change. Thus, pitying parents constantly monitor every step of the child, perform all tasks and necessary work for him, and as a result, instead of effective assistance, they cause irreparable harm to the holistic development of the individual. Such actions lead to the formation of the inner self as incapable, unworthy and someone who cannot cope, which subsequently paralyzes the will and the person.
The feeling of pity in intimate relationships leads to the fact that a person develops his shortcomings and the one who was simply rude to you at first may well beat you to the point of resuscitation. By giving alms out of pity, you may face the fact that your money will be wasted away, and the person will never go looking for work again. Such examples are not uncommon in life, and their mechanism is the same - when you do something for a person out of pity, he loses the internal incentive to do something himself and he degrades, and also learns that he is not capable of anything.
Constructive, creative pity can support a person, give him strength, calm him down, instill confidence, or at least provide a piece of reliable and safe haven for a break. By providing help unselfishly, without expecting honors and praise, without striving to demonstrate your own strength against the background of a less fortunate person, you are practicing creative pity. In parent-child relationships, this is an expression of sympathy in case of troubles and advice on how best to overcome what happened; in partner interaction, such pity can look like an open conversation about shortcomings and an offer of one’s help in eliminating the causes. Even if you bought groceries and left a lonely pensioner at the door, there is more creative pity in this than in a rally about pension reform.
Pity is a very insidious and subtle feeling, requiring both careful diagnosis so as not to confuse it with one’s own projections, arrogance, non-acceptance, and a strict attitude so that giving in to impulse instead of helping does not cause harm. It is necessary to carefully consider each situation separately in order to understand whether your pity is appropriate or not, and if you see that the more you feel sorry for someone, the more inactive he becomes, begins to whine and complain more, then you are going the wrong way and it’s better to leave pity. This does not mean that you need to become callous, since sometimes your understanding and kind words can have a significant impact on a person who is on the verge of despair.
Pity for others
Pity for other people is born from our perception of the situation and manifests itself in those moments when we need sympathy. If you are calm about pain and do not need pity after slipping on a wet floor, then you are unlikely to feel sorry for the person who fell like that, even if he really needed your sympathy.
Pity for others is not objective and represents our own world to a greater extent than it reflects a truly negative situation. Moreover, by showing pity for another, we automatically feel sorry for ourselves. When self-pity is forbidden, there is no strength to admit to oneself the lack of something or the injury received; this is manifested in pity for others. Thus, a lonely woman will actively feel sorry for her friend who broke up with her boyfriend, and a girl who considered herself unworthy of her father’s love will feel sorry for the employee who once again received a reprimand from her boss. The reality may be that the one who separated is happy about the separation and was the initiator of it in general, and the one who is again deprived of the bonus really does not work, but this may not have any meaning when there is an internal need to feel sorry for oneself through another.
In addition to projective experiences, pity can act as a way of building relationships. When a person is in trouble, and you sympathize with him, he perceives you closer, trusts you more, because you show care and. Sharing pain, suffering, and experiences automatically transfers you to the section of caring people; in addition, you yourself become more loyal and closer to the one you feel sorry for. At such moments, pity is useful and appropriate; it often helps a person overcome difficulties faster. People are constantly waiting for kindness, pity and forgiveness for their weaknesses, as the world becomes more demanding and indifferent. By giving such an attitude, you establish stronger connections with a person, because everyone is more pleasant to be with someone who accepts his shortcomings, forgives his weaknesses, understands the pain and sympathizes with what happened. Some people value such outlets, but many skillfully take advantage of the pity of others and, instead of establishing sincere close relationships, begin to put pressure on pity in order to gain your patronage or favor.
Knowing the possibility of feeling pity, many close down and become rather cold and indifferent. Of course, such life tactics will protect you from manipulation, unjustified hopes and riding on your neck, but in addition it will worsen relationships with others. Ruthless and cruel people are repulsive, and you don’t want to share joy with those who are indifferent to problems.
Pity, effectively shown to others, should not be associated with your personal gain and the expectation of success or gratitude from another. It is more about your manifestation as an individual, as a person capable of taking actions guided by your inner compass, and not by immediate or long-term prospects. Showing such kindness may never show you immediate results, and the person may not even thank you, but over time it can come back through others, and the one you pitied may remember your action. Your behavior forms the unspoken opinion of others about you, which cannot be created artificially, and therefore, by showing pity, but with reason, and not under manipulation, you will notice that they will come to your aid or forgive your mistakes, hand you a napkin and sympathize with a kind word in difficult times.
Learn to recognize when a person is in a difficult situation. And when I’ve been accustomed since childhood to pouting my lips and getting what I want. For many, this has become a convenient model of behavior, when by playing on other people’s feelings you can get what you want, and when the wish-fulfiller runs out of steam, they will simply replace him. If you feel pity, then be strict with yourself first and try to look at the situation a little further than the present moment, then you will understand exactly how you should show your feeling, and perhaps with good intentions you should hide it altogether. It’s hardly worth running for another bottle for an alcoholic out of pity, but you can make a scandal for him by telling him the whole truth and showing his true life, offering specific help, although it won’t look like the usual groans of regret, but it will be pity in action.
It is believed that love and pity are incompatible, because... by feeling sorry, you let the person know that you consider him weak, then he begins to feel sorry for himself without your help, degrading more and more and developing inferiority complexes. This is a plausible path for events to take if you indulge in destructive pity and don't look several weeks ahead. To help overcome this, asking yourself the question “is the person really so bad that he can’t cope without me?” and only if the answer is positive, help.
Another psychological moment in which pity arises is our own disagreement with the structure of the world. If we do not accept some development of events, illness, level of income, then those whose fate is complicated in a similar way will cause a feeling of pity and here it is important to stop and analyze. Perhaps the one you consider to be poor deliberately gave away all his property and switched to life in order to be happy in accordance with his ideas. Maybe you feel sorry for the guy walking on crutches, but before that he was paralyzed for several years and is now incredibly happy. In general, the world is fair and harmonious and every person gets the life that he makes with his own hands, so before you interfere, think about what drives your desire to align the lives of those around you with your vision of what is beautiful and right.
Self pity
Self-pity periodically occurs in everyone's life, but for some it takes on a stable form. For people of a certain type () and type of nervous system (increased excitability), self-pity occupies a rather important place and is capable of subjugating other manifestations of life. Most often, the trigger is some strong stressful event that raises feelings of sadness (due to loss, loss), injustice (unjustified expectations and ambitions), and also possibly in combination with those who have what they want or have not lost something important. Pity can arise when faced with situations beyond a person’s control, when he experiences a feeling of hopelessness. Strong individuals learn important lessons from this, learn to accept powerlessness, find out the limits of their capabilities, and weak ones begin to feel sorry for themselves. But in addition to truly insurmountable situations, self-pity is also caused by the internal image of one’s own Self, and if it is perceived as fragile, weak, stupid, defenseless, then the person behaves accordingly, refusing to fight difficulties in advance. In such situations, there is no point in overestimating reality, but there is a need to restore adequate self-perception.
Self-pity is characterized by a person’s concentration on the negative aspects of his life, difficulties and losses, his own shortcomings and defeats. The main desire for which everything that happens is necessary is to arouse the pity of others and possibly receive their help and support. Such satisfaction is relevant only the first few times or if a person feels sorry for himself quite rarely, otherwise this line of behavior, used too often, can cause rejection from other people, then there can be no talk of not only support, but even communication.
Self-pity requires a large amount of resources from the people around him, while the person himself finds himself in a passive position, which irritates and embitters those around him. Even in the case of seriously ill or disabled people, the entire system is aimed at rehabilitation, acceptance, humility and the return of a person to everyday life; suffering and increasing feelings of unhappiness are never encouraged. In addition to being accompanied by a certain range of additional feelings, self-pity can cause severe forms and melancholia, and can also be a symptom of them.
A characteristic of a person prone to self-pity is that when they stop supporting and helping him, instead of looking for a way to correct the situation, he, on the contrary, turns away from everyone, becomes embittered and closes down. Loneliness increases, the need for the participation of others becomes unfulfilled and demands increase. In the most critical situation, a person becomes so accustomed to feeling sorry for himself and achieving everything through the sympathy of others that this behavior begins to take on an aggressive and demanding tone. It turns out to be almost impossible to help such a person, since all advice is rejected, and there are many excuses for starting changes and one may get the impression that suffering is necessary for some reason. The more problems and misfortunes, the more exceptional a person becomes, who in reality has nothing to show for it; in addition, there are always excuses for why something was not achieved, and this is not the person’s fault. With self-pity, you can count on the help of others or suffer from the cruelty of the world, but in any case it is a selfish escape from reality.
A person in self-pity resembles a paralytic, only instead of the body, the will and thinking are immobilized, there is no ability to look for a solution and a way out of the situation, most of which require little effort. and complaints begin to be directed not only at oneself, but also at those loved ones who, trying to help, point out ways for improvement. In such a state, when new paths are not accepted, energy runs out, and a huge part of it is spent on maintaining an unhappy state. Over time, a person forgets how to replenish his own energy resource and begins to use someone else’s, hence energy vampirism and the desire to dump all the negativity on others instead of directly solving problems.
Self-pity is destructive in persistent emotional states. Do not confuse this with the fact that pity, love and self-care are united and help to overcome problems and maintain health. Excessive and constant pity kills self-confidence, gradually reduces, and destroys the ability to effectively interact with the world. Constant thoughts about powerlessness and worthlessness begin to come true, and if previously a person, although he made mistakes, acted, now he stops even making attempts to be active.
How to get rid of pity for yourself and others
The problem of how to get rid of feelings of pity can have two directions: regarding one’s own personality and regarding the way of interacting with other people. But no matter what side the desire to belittle one’s pity concerns, we are always talking about its destructive and negative direction, when the implementation of this feeling does not contribute to support and accumulation of strength to overcome, but to the decomposition and weakening of the individual.
Carrying out any actions out of pity, but to the detriment of yourself, does not mean that you are helping the person or yourself. After spending an entire weekend on repairs with a friend, you find out that he himself would have finished it faster, and you were only distracted by conversations. Or they borrowed money from a friend for a new phone, which finally forgot how to calculate a budget, and the friendship collapsed due to the money not being given back. It’s the same with yourself, if you didn’t send yourself to training, taking pity on your aching muscles, you will face even more soreness, then refusal to train, and as a result, health problems. Not always, denying yourself, you can help someone else.
The first rule on the way to deciding how to get rid of feelings of pity is to assess your own condition. If you have no energy and a lot of problems, then at first you are obliged not to express sympathy and out of pity to help others, but to take care of yourself (even if others are worse off) and improve your life. If you notice that you are complaining more and more often, then it is more logical to strain the remaining strength that has not yet been wasted on pity and solve your problems. Remember, as long as something does not suit you in your own sense of self and life, your actions should eliminate the unfavorable.
When you really feel the urge to feel sorry for those around you, think about whether they deserve pity, look at what actions or lack thereof brought the person to the point where you feel immensely sorry for him. Of course, accidents happen, but most of the troubles are caused by a person with his own hands, even if he does not notice the direct connection. Even the homeless are provided with many other solutions to their problem, there are official funds, employment exchanges and shelters, but people refuse them, choosing to beg and drink the money away. It’s up to you to decide whether you should feel sorry, because perhaps the idea of never working, but standing on the porch, came to their minds after the pity of the first alms.
Monitor topics when you start to feel sorry, because... in half of the cases, this lies behind a person’s unfulfilled need to be justified and pitied. If your heart clench at the sight of a child sitting alone on a swing, then perhaps you lack the sympathy of your parents; if you feel sorry for a hungry dog, then this may be your need for care and a ready-made dinner. Often, by feeling sorry for others, people try to make up for the lack of self-pity, to fill those moments where they do not allow themselves to be weak or make mistakes. You can feel sorry for the boy who was scolded by the teacher and even defend him, while not complaining to anyone about how unfairly your boss scolds you. Stories like these reveal blind spots in the assessment and perception of one’s personality and needs.
But sometimes self-compassion is not something that is not blocked, but on the contrary, it begins to take over life too actively, and then it should be slowed down. The first thing to do is to analyze the situation, abstracting as much as possible from feelings. When you have realized the problem, you need to identify what exactly in the current situation makes you feel sorry for yourself, and what you are counting on. If you understand that there are strong expectations for self-resolution of the problem, you need to gradually regain responsibility for the emotions you experience and your own life. Even if the negativity is associated with another person, then your experiences are under your control, and only you can find out how to turn the situation around to make it better. It is necessary to come up with practical actions that can change the course of events, and to make this more effective, you must first take into account what you are doing wrong, where you are making mistakes.
Look at the world not as something hostile and opposing you, but as a resource and opportunity for change - there are people there who can help, there are places that give energy and strength. Train positive thinking by setting tasks to find ten positive moments every day, turn troubles into a game, where you need to extract the maximum benefit from the collapse. The more confident you are, the more successful this will be, so formation will have a great effect on getting rid of self-pity. After all, those who perceive themselves as strong and successful treat difficulties as a new challenge or an opportunity to express themselves, and not as a reason to hide in the farthest corner.
And be conscious in the perception of information received from other people who may tell you about your weakness, fragility, inability, and about situations as insoluble and catastrophic. Without proper criticism, such judgments tend to seep into your inner perception and become truth, so surround yourself with positive and active people who can see the good even in complete hopelessness.
