Psychology of how to respond to criticism. When is criticism useful? How to respond to fair criticism

I think you face criticism as often as I do - modern people love to express their opinions. Sometimes this is not very pleasant, but it is not always convenient to cut off your interlocutor, and criticism sometimes cuts to the heart. I will tell you how to respond to criticism so that it is only useful and so that the mood is not spoiled by someone else’s opinion (no matter how it is expressed).

Why do people criticize

• the need to assert oneself at the expense of others;
• the desire to bring more benefit than the interlocutor expects;
• desire to improve your results;
• projections from childhood;
• projections from one's own life;
• fear that the world around is not perfect;
• desire to control everything;
• fear of taking care of your life.

If you are sure that the interlocutor is focused on a good result (this often happens in a work environment among colleagues and superiors), then you can reconcile yourself or ask the interlocutor to express critical remarks as gently as possible - preferably in direct text say calmly that too harsh and straightforward criticism upsets you, and it is impossible to work productively when upset.

In all other cases, criticism does not bring you any benefit - in fact, this happens because it is not you who really need it. This is not useful or necessary information for you; it is the interlocutor’s way of solving his own problems (self-affirmation, for example) at your expense, and not at his own (by working on his own problems).

Yes, there are times when it is impossible to put a person in his place, and here recommendations on how to correctly perceive criticism are useful - learn to make the most of it and maintain your mood.

Rules for good criticism

In general, the concept itself is quite negative, and it is better to abandon it altogether; there is a wonderful formulation - feedback, or as it is also called, feedback. In essence, feedback involves interaction between the parties, and there is nothing offensive or unpleasant about it (of course, if the form of the statement complies with generally accepted norms of etiquette).

The best criticisms are those that a person has come to on his own. Yes, as in childhood, you need to ask leading questions until the interlocutor slaps his hand on his forehead and exclaims - Lord, what a stupid thing I did! Leading questions are very simple. Ask how he came to such thoughts and actions, whose example he followed, what his point of view is based on. If you are confident that you are right, then in just five minutes of a calm conversation you can lead your interlocutor to an opinion that suits both of you.

Find reasons to praise, and be sure to highlight what you like at the beginning and end.. This way, a person develops the feeling that he was told a lot of good things and was given advice on how to correct shortcomings.

Perception of criticism

You need to figure out what hurts you most - the essence of what was said or the form? If you experience rejection precisely in relation to the essence of what was said to you, then in such a situation you need to figure out how to accept criticism without any problems and at the same time use the recommendations received. What to do:

• talk to the person making the comments and find out the essence of the dissatisfaction - perhaps the person is simply worried about the result and wants to help.
• weigh the pros and cons of what is being said and try to find a solution that will satisfy everyone;
• ask your interlocutor about his suggestions.

Another useful skill that will come in handy is the ability to “translate” from emotional language to literal language. So, for example, if they tell you that you are always late, but in fact you were late for the second time in a month (and you have some reasons for this), then right during the conversation, say out loud or say to yourself how things are In fact.

You are not always late, but only for the second time in a month, and for a good reason. You are not an armless monster, but you were just tired and therefore broke your favorite teapot, which you certainly regret. You are not a lazy person, but prefer to work steadily. This will help you not to be offended by your interlocutor - you will understand that he is simply generalizing and reacting emotionally.

And, of course, we need to consider ways to not pay attention to criticism at all - quite often we are criticized by those people who do not have the proper competence and qualifications. Surely you have found yourself in a situation where a person criticized, for example, your appearance. Let’s omit those options where a person’s appearance contradicts the laws and rules of society. If you did not ask for an assessment of your appearance, then this is not criticism, but unsolicited advice.

If the person in front of you is not a professional in the field he is talking about, or does not have sufficient experience, then his words are worthless and mean little. He just wants to say something. Of course, when you are talking with a respected person, or simply are not in a position to object, it is better to tolerate these nonsense - remember that you know each of your real shortcomings yourself.

However, if the person in front of you is not your spouse's beloved grandmother, not your boss or client, then do not let him spoil your mood. How to resist criticism? Calmly and politely answer that you do not want to talk about this topic, this is the best solution. After this, a sane person will understand that he was a little carried away, and most likely you will change the conversation.

And if there is no talk of sanity, then most likely the conversation will turn to a raised tone, but in any case, it is better to try to behave calmly. Don't let your interlocutor talk badly about you; in most cases, what people pass off as criticism and kindness is nothing more than passive aggression.

How to distinguish passive aggression from criticism?

If they tell you, “You can’t play hard rock at night, it’s against the law!”, then this is reasonable and correct (even if a little rude in form). And this can be attributed to criticism. But if you hear “You listen to bad music, so I listen to something else,” then this is someone’s opinion and passive aggression in your direction. Surely, you will remember from childhood the words of your parents that “While you are here choosing onions from the soup, children in Africa are dying of hunger” - this is the most passive aggression.

The person is dissatisfied with your behavior, he believes that he has the right to comment on it, he cites as an argument an absolutely incoherent historical and social fact to his taste.

There are many such examples, but there is a more convenient way to distinguish one from the other - good constructive criticism is aimed at results, passive aggression is aimed at emotional depression.

If behind the words of the interlocutor is “You are bad, you do everything badly, I don’t like your choice” - this is aggression. If he says “This is a good design, but it needs to be tweaked a little, according to the standard, the margins should be larger, look at the technical specifications and let’s think about how we can fix this” - this is criticism.

• polite gratitude (this allows you to stop the flow of criticism right now, and does not overshadow the relationship);
• please put criticism in a more loyal and friendly form (this is suitable for any long-term relationship, be it work cooperation or friendship);
• polite refusal (sometimes it takes the form of gratitude);
• open confrontation (confident and tough defense of one’s positions and one’s right not to listen to or follow unsolicited advice).

You need to learn to resist this pressure and not succumb to all the words that this pressure is being done for a good purpose, because when you are offended, unpleasant and upset every day, this is definitely not good.

When you hear harsh and unconstructive recommendations addressed to you, try to respond in kind. This does not work with everyone, but it can save the situation once - the interlocutor will be taken aback. In most cases, you can learn to move the conversation to another topic.

Usually people are dissatisfied with what they themselves are successful at, but at the same time they are afraid of comparison with more successful people. Use their own weapons - this way you can not only protect yourself, but also protect yourself from verbal battles for a long time.

You cannot remain silent and swallow grievances - this is also stress, and any stress, if it accumulates, sooner or later becomes a neurosis or other unpleasant medical diagnosis. For example, experts led by Dr. Hamer found that constant stress increases the risk of developing cancer..

A huge number of people cannot, simply are not able to adequately respond to even the most constructive and friendly criticism. Why?

Yes, because it hurts them a lot every time. That is, they realized that it makes sense to flush some criticism down the toilet instead of wasting their nerves on it, and this made their life easier. But what to do with correct criticism? Especially if she is important to you. What to do if you need feedback, but even careful and gentle comments make you cringe worse than sciatica, and you completely lose motivation and generally the will to live?

I decided to write a manual on how to take criticism if you have big problems with it.

In the manual I plan to look at why criticism can really hurt you, and what solutions there are. I'll tell you how to deal with your reaction. I will give you “tools” that will allow you to hear comments that are useful to you without deep emotional wounds, and also create a basis for the future. These tools exist, and I will try to help you master them.

I will also try to help, no matter how strange it may sound, those who criticize (I don’t mean “critics,” but those who actually have to correct something with other people). Critics can see the main problem areas where their statement is perceived as painful and, perhaps, find ways to say better. There are always such ways, and if you have a “map of possible problems”, constructing phrases becomes easier.

Let's get started soon.

As usual, there are a couple of introductory notes:

1. You need to understand that the painful perception of criticism is only the tip of the iceberg, the surface part of a much larger problem. Those characteristics and personality traits that cause such hypersensitivity usually ruin your life in a much wider range of situations. Almost every day, in fact. You know this better than me. Therefore, understanding this underwater part (no matter in yourself, a partner, a subordinate, or a friend) and being able to handle it is very important. This can help in many ways at once.

2. Criticism only hurts when it hits an existing wound. Remember this. If criticism hits a healthy place (even many times!), nothing bad happens. Therefore, even the most highly sensitive and vulnerable people can easily withstand criticism in some specific topics and areas.

My favorite question to illustrate is: would you be offended if an alien with blue hair and backward knees criticized your hair color and the way your joints were designed? And my favorite answer: “Uh, hardly.”

So there is an overreaction only to criticism that touches on something that is already sore. For example, someone who was once wounded by other significant people, or post-traumatic, or “picked up” on their own... This means that the resistance of each individual person to criticism is determined, among other things, by the number of existing sore spots and open “wounds” (see list below ). The more there are, the more difficult it is for you. Again, this is important to remember.

Theory

There are many reasons for a painful attitude towards criticism. Below I will list those that seem to me to be the main ones. They can occur individually or in pairs, triplets and entire clusters. They can also be symptoms of each other or form the core of personality. That is, all these points are not mutually exclusive, but rather elements of a three-dimensional, complex, fluid puzzle. If you find one or two, there's a good chance you can handle it on your own. If there are four or five at once and they really interfere with your life, then you may need psychotherapy.

What are these reasons?

1. Inner critic

He is also the hard Superego. A very strong and large part of the personality, which, being overdeveloped, is not engaged in careful self-regulation, but in self-criticism. I won’t repeat myself - I’d rather give a link to the article “The Inner Critic. Cookbook of self-food." There is also written about this beast in a manual of the same volume, and there is even a test.

How does this work?

Criticism that comes from outside resonates (of course) with the darkest expectations and thoughts of the Inner Critic, and not only resonates, but is interpreted as negatively as possible, amplified significantly and brought to the point of absurdity - with the help of far-reaching conclusions, self-deprecation and devaluation.

Very simple: “I knew that I was an idiot and could never do anything properly.” Of course, it is very difficult to live with such a result. Therefore, any, even the most friendly criticism responds extremely painfully - because the Inner Critic does not care at all about the degree of friendliness and usefulness, he does not take this parameter (like any other real parameter) into account. He needs to confirm his bad point of view about himself, again and again, again and again.

2. Psychological trauma

In its most general form, trauma is something a person has experienced that is so powerful that they were unable to cope and suffered significant (often irreversible) damage. Those who have undergone or are undergoing psychotherapy are usually aware of their traumas. But even if you do not have this therapeutic diagnosis, post-trauma (a state after trauma), nevertheless, may exist. Unfortunately, it can influence your perception of criticism and not only that. Modern research shows that in people who have experienced trauma, the neurochemical processes in the brain as a whole change quite significantly.

How does this work?

Trauma leaves a person with very little resource, because the main part of it went (and, perhaps, is still going) to survive in the conditions of a new reality, one that is damaged. That part of the psyche, which is “I,” becomes very fragile, or stops really developing (what kind of development is it when breathing is not easy). The fragile and unresourceful “I” is not enough to process incoming negative signals, and they again cause damage. Sometimes comparable in size to the original injury.

Danger, danger, danger! You are a victim again, you are being destroyed. Fight, freeze or run, otherwise it will be like that time again, and you already know too well how this can all end. Therefore, you need to either prevent damage at all costs, or dutifully lie down and wait it out until the moment when you can begin to recover. In general, “don’t scare the ostriches - the floor is concrete.”

3. Narcissism

No, not the image of falling in love with oneself and extreme egocentrism, replicated in art. A little more complicated. It is now believed that every person has a narcissistic part, and its function is to maintain self-esteem in certain ways. These methods mainly rely on external confirmation of the inner “I”. People with a strong narcissistic radical do not feel any intelligible “I” in themselves, much less a good one, so they make it up entirely from reflections in the eyes of others.

How does this work?

It is logical: any threat to external confirmation is automatically a threat to the internal good “I”. That is, criticism is not just someone’s negative opinion, no, no. In this case she In fact eats away at you because you feel defective, insufficient, you feel that something irreparable has been exposed for everyone to see. You know, in general it is very difficult to live when thoughts and feelings are not just thoughts and feelings, but real reality (this is one of the possible failures in the ability to mentalize, by the way).

What message do you get from the criticism?

What you hear/see is not a set of points, but a big, thick indication of your inferiority (completely real, according to your narcissistic part). Any criticism means that you have failed, which means you are worthless, unworthy, and so on and so forth. Usually at this stage shame is involved (the core feeling of narcissism - narcissism feeds on the illusion of the absence of failures, and thereby avoids this terrible shame).

4. Unstable/low self-esteem

Self-esteem is how we evaluate and perceive ourselves (your Cap). It is believed that normal self-esteem (average or slightly higher) is the presence of a stable concept “I am good,” or, more simply, “it’s good that I exist.” Several conclusions follow from this; in the context of criticism, this one is important: “Most of what I do is more or less good.” Such an attitude should normally be quite strong, then even harsh criticism will not break or bend it.

How does this work?

With low/unstable self-esteem, criticism brings you even lower. And you, due to the fact that you are already tired of being down all the time, simply cannot stand situations when self-esteem decreases even more, they are catastrophic for you, because you cannot straighten yourself back up.

What message do you get from the criticism?

“Well, that’s it.” Criticism in this case is a harbinger and symptom of a sharp decline in self-esteem, a sign of your inconsistency with your own ideals and values. This, by the way, is also connected with the fact that people with low self-esteem tend to avoid recognizing their own role and responsibility in any problems and troubles in life - both their own and not their own. The same way of interpretation: admitted = lost self-respect and hope that someday I will become the person of my dreams.

5. Insecurity/vulnerability

Oh, you could easily write a separate article about vulnerability. Let me try briefly: it feels as if your skin has been torn off and you have nothing else to cover your sensitive insides with. Most interactions with people hurt you so much that you involuntarily scream and jump away. It is clear that at the mental level this means that it is extremely easy to offend, upset, upset and offend you, even without the slightest intention. You just have mines everywhere. Some you don't even know about until they explode.

How does this work?

Any phrase (it may not be criticism at all) is perceived as a poke with a finger in an open wound, as an intentional or unintentional (but no less painful) attack with the result in the form of something offensive and hurtful. Always offensive and always offending, regardless of the initial message. Sometimes you can understand that people are not evil, but more often they are not. Surely they can’t help but see that you have no skin?!

What message do you get from the criticism?

“Ahhh, it hurts! Why did you hurt me so much? In most cases, this is followed by a violent reaction directed at the “offender,” who feels almost like an abuser. Given the flayed skin background, I think this reaction is quite natural. It’s just a pity that this doesn’t increase understanding and the ability to breathe and move on.

6. Imposter Syndrome

It’s a fairly well-known phenomenon, the essence of which is this: achievements, results and the whole situation in general are felt by you as undeserved, received not thanks to your personal efforts and work, but falling on you only because of crazy luck or random coincidences. That is, you did nothing for this at all. Imposter syndrome is constantly accompanied by anxiety and fear - what if they find out? After all, they will inevitably be exposed, right?

How does this work?

Criticism is a very clear indication that “the boy just found the helmet” (from the point of view of your inner impostor). Of course, others will immediately see this and expose the naked king. Therefore, criticism makes you shrink in horror and hate any comments, even correct ones.

What message do you get from the criticism?

“Now they will understand everything... Now... Now... Now... Well, not now, then next time.” It is very scary to live like this - in constant anxiety and in the inability to appropriate what you have achieved. It is not surprising that criticism is interpreted in only one direction - the one that is truly important.

7. Perfectionism

Also material for a separate article entitled “Wishful Thinking Point.” I'll write someday. For now, let's recap: perfectionists have a complete lack of feeling that they are good enough. And they actually spend their lives chasing this feeling, not knowing what exactly they are looking for and why they need it. The methods that perfectionists use to find this feeling mainly come down to achieving an ideal. There is an illusion that if you achieve it, it will be good enough (in fact, it is not).

How does this work?

Criticism directly points out to the perfectionist that he is not ideal, and the illusion of being able to reach the point of “good enough” crumbles like a house of cards. This is very painful, because it is, in fact, impossible to live without at least such a poor illusion. Therefore, criticism is unbearable for a perfectionist (although he constantly torments himself with it, such a paradox).

What message do you get from the criticism?

“Oh my God, a mistake! I'm not perfect." (Atheists can replace the first part with something of equal emotional value). Errors, according to a perfectionist, should not exist at all, nor should there be imperfections. And if they do exist, then this is nothing more than a sign of poor self-improvement. Notice the difference with narcissism and impostor syndrome? There the focus was on the outside - “everyone will see”, but here it is on oneself. It doesn’t matter who sees what, what matters is that I already know about my imperfection, and this is painful.

Aren't you tired? Here's a picture about perfectionism to help you unload:

8. Inability to tolerate other people's discomfort

There are people who make everyone feel comfortable. Comfortable people. My colleague Polina Gaverdovskaya calls them invisible. These people were raised by their parents in such a way that, if possible, they would not cause any discomfort. Most often this means that they had to give up on themselves early. Almost completely - from your needs, feelings, desires and plans. So that no one accidentally crosses the road. Otherwise there will be an attack.

How does this work?

Any criticism means, oh horror, that someone is dissatisfied with you, which means that someone is experiencing discomfort or even problems from you! And this cannot be allowed, it is very scary. The realization that you, wittingly or unwittingly, have caused someone inconvenience can literally make you feel physically ill.

What message do you get from the criticism?

“Oh-oh-oh, guard, someone is uncomfortable and it’s because of me! I didn’t please you, I ruined everything, now the person is suffering.” That is, the usual focus here is on the other, on his stability and well-being, on caring for his comfort, and not on himself at all. It is incredibly difficult for such people to feel like the cause and source of someone else’s discomfort, so they take criticism very hard.

9. Paranoia

I don't mean a psychiatric diagnosis here, but rather a personality trait or tendency, a habit. Have you noticed that there are people who easily accept various conspiracy theories and other people's malicious intent? It doesn’t matter whether there is something underlying it or not - it fits perfectly into their perception of the world. So, this is paranoia. Its main motto could be the phrase “Everything is for a reason.”

How does this work?

A paranoid person perceives any criticism as an intent and a desire to hurt him, and it is this intent that hurts/angers him, and not only and not so much the content of the critical remark. You must admit that it is not easy to live surrounded by enemies, and it is not surprising to react to their next attacks very painfully.

What message do you get from the criticism?

“So you got burned, and I knew that nothing good should be expected from you.” The focus here is also external, as in several previous points, and there is also no basis in reality. But there is a certainty that everyone only wants bad things for you, and those who don’t want to do so are hiding it, or it’s only temporary.

10. Depression/subdepression

This may be an official diagnosis, or it may simply be a certain period in life or a personal tendency (yes, it happens). In any case, the essence is the same: everything is bad, it was bad and will be bad. Unlike narcissism and impostor syndrome, here the sense of self is very real, it’s just that this self is irreparably bad, and there is no hope or motivation to change it.

How does this work?

A critical remark reinforces the depressive background and confirms that yes, nothing good has happened once again. As a rule, depression works in such a way that you still don’t have the energy to correct it, so any criticism hangs like a heavy stone around your neck without the opportunity to use it for good (even if it is presented as it should and in fact there is such an opportunity). Remember Eeyore? "Good morning, Piglet... which I personally doubt."

What message do you get from the criticism?

“Everything is decay.” The focus in this case is on a general painful background and the inability to enjoy life (the so-called anesthesia dolorosa, “painful insensitivity”), and criticism is just an additional needle. In general, it may not even be heard in terms of content.

11. Personal story

The point partially overlaps with trauma. The point here is this: if you have already suffered from critics in your life (as a rule, parents, teachers, former relationship partners and other significant people make a significant contribution), then any criticism that is somewhat reminiscent of that one - in content, form or for any other reason - will be perceived by you as incredibly painful. There are many examples that can be given, but what they all have in common is that it is enough to touch on a specific topic or construct a phrase in a certain way to make you bristle.

How does this work?

Here the focus is on the fact of criticism around a specific topic or in a specific way. This in itself hurts because you already have a large callus in that area. And, of course, you absolutely cannot see the positive sides in such criticism, even if they exist - the callus blocks them.

What message do you get from the criticism?

“Yyyy, again I (something of mine) doesn’t suit someone, well, as much as possible.” In general, the response is very close to despair and powerlessness, and that is why it hurts so much. You, as a rule, have already learned from the past that you cannot cope with this, and the current situation acts as an anchor for you, an instant portal into these memories.

Read about how to respond to criticism in the next column by Ekaterina Sigitova. Stay tuned for updates .

New Time invites our famous columnists to lectures . Detailed program.

Criticism is an integral part of our life. We are criticized at home, at work, at school, almost everywhere. And some people react so painfully to this that they lose self-confidence. How can you learn to “keep your face” and take criticism adequately?

What kind of criticism is there?

First, it’s worth listing the types of criticism:

• Absolutely unfair. These are insults, name-calling or general phrases like “What kind of disgrace is this?” or “What can you afford?” Such criticism has no basis and, as a rule, is based on the personal biased opinion of the critic or on his negative attitude towards the person being accused.
• Partially fair. It most often affects some character traits, habits, behavior, and characteristics of a person. There may be some truth in the comments, but we still cannot completely agree with them.
• Fair criticism. Everything is clear here. The critic points out a specific action or justifies his remark.

What can't you do?

First, let's list some of the most common mistakes in responding to criticism:

1. Silence. There is no point in remaining silent. Firstly, you will look ridiculous and pathetic. Secondly, the critic may think that you simply have nothing to say and will consider himself right. Thirdly, silence is very annoying and angry for some, so the person may try to bring you into conflict.
2. Excuses. Some, taken aback, begin to make excuses. You shouldn't do that either. Justifications, firstly, are unnecessary and uninteresting to anyone, so the critic is unlikely to want to listen to them. Secondly, you will automatically take the lowest position and look like a child whose parents are punishing him for pranks. You don't need all this at all.
3. Counterattack. The best defense is an attack, but criticism is not the case. Do not try to blame the critic in response, this will give you absolutely nothing, but your opponent will certainly want to answer your accusations, which can provoke a conflict. If this is what you need, then, in principle, you can choose this method of reaction. But in this case, you must be absolutely sure that in this conflict you will be able to present compelling arguments in your favor and ultimately defeat the critic. Otherwise, this option is not yours.

How to respond to unfair criticism?

If you hear absolutely unfounded and unjustified remarks addressed to you, you can choose one of the following options:

• Just agree with everything. This will simply discourage your opponent and he will most likely leave you behind. If this is what you need, do it this way. You can also add a sweet, friendly smile, it will “finish off” your opponent. But if you want to protect your honor and dignity, then such tactics will not be appropriate.
• You can say something like “This is your opinion, and others think differently. And my opinion is different from yours.” A compelling and discouraging option. But your opponent may try to take a defensive position or justify his remarks, be prepared for this.
• Ask the critic to provide specific facts and evidence that you are doing something wrong. If the critic does not answer anything, then end the conversation, but if there is an answer, then move on to the next point.
• Clarifications, clarifications. Ask your opponent what exactly he doesn’t like and why. Find out what you don't like the most. Also clarify why the critic thinks this way. Basically, literally do your research. As a rule, such questions lead to the end of the conversation.
• Or you can ask the following question: “What else don’t you like?” If the critic just wants to speak out, then he will do it immediately and the conversation will end there.

How to respond to partially fair criticism?

How to properly respond to criticism, if at least some of it is justified? Here are some options:

• If you do not want to agree with any part of the accusations, then say something like: “Yes, some people think so” or “That is your opinion, you have the right to think so.” Most likely, the critic will calm down.
• You can do the following: agree with fair comments, and simply ignore the rest. The opponent is unlikely to want to continue the conversation.
• Or you can try to turn the criticized disadvantage into an advantage, but this requires certain intellectual abilities and speed of reaction.

How to respond to fair criticism?

If the remark was justified and fair, then the only and correct option is to simply agree with the criticism. At the same time, you should not apologize or make excuses, but you can say that all comments will be taken into account and mistakes will be corrected. This will completely satisfy the critic and characterize you from the best side.

What to do if your appearance is criticized?

What to do if your appearance is criticized?

• First of all, don’t take everything to heart. How many people, so many opinions. If you have a other half, then think about the fact that you are loved, which means that someone likes your appearance anyway.
• If the remark was too rude or offensive, do not try to attack back. You will ruin your mood for the rest of the day. You can say something like “How rude and rude you are!” or “You must be in a very bad mood, or you got off on the wrong foot.”
• You can respond to rudeness with rudeness, but you don't need to. But you can gently point out your opponent’s shortcomings if you want to reassure yourself. For example, say this: “I don’t find you attractive either, what now?”
• You can simply say that you and many others are quite happy with everything.
• And some comments can serve as an incentive to improve yourself and your body.
• If you often have to communicate with a rude person, and you want to prevent him from taking further similar liberties, then you can tell the critic that his opinion does not interest you and it will be better if he keeps this opinion to himself in the future.

Fundamental Points

A few important points to remember when responding to criticism:

1. Don't answer provocative or rhetorical questions like "When will this end?" or “What are you going to do next?”
2. Your tone during a conversation should be calm and confident. Don't shout, don't mumble.
3. Phrases should be clear and short. No “Yes, but...” and other things. Everything is to the point and short.

Some tips for those who want to learn how to adequately respond to criticism addressed to them:

1. If the critic simply wants to anger and offend you, it is better not to react at all, but to turn around and leave or stop all communication.
2. If you feel like you are about to “explode,” then go to another room, if possible, and calm down, breathe, drink water. And then come back and continue the conversation.
3. It makes sense to listen to criticism and work on mistakes. Comments can sometimes be very useful and help us see something we didn’t notice before.
4. Don't take everything to heart and spoil your mood.

React to criticism correctly, and it will not poison your life.

Every person becomes the object of criticism at least once in his life. But whether it’s useful or not, we’ll try to figure it out. As it turns out, when criticizing, few people really want to help. Usually this is an easy and common method of self-affirmation - belittling the advantages of other people. Moreover, the higher you fly up the career and other ladders, the more sophisticated and angrier the criticism directed at you will be. How to deal with criticism? You won’t be able to avoid the flow of “valuable” comments addressed to you, don’t even try. Therefore, since criticism cannot be avoided, you should change your attitude towards it.

How to deal with criticism - changing your attitude

We change the attitude ak: First, let’s think about who is most often criticized? The one who is visible, right? Why is this man in public view? Because he is doing something, developing, trying, trying, being active. Therefore, if you achieve even a little success, you will be criticized. And this is a clear sign that you are on the right path. In addition, 95% of all caustic remarks addressed to you are banal envy, unconstructive criticism, that is, there is no need to pay attention to it.
If criticism is useful, it can be immediately recognized for the simple reason that one wants to listen to such comments. And unconstructive behavior only causes retaliatory anger and aggression.

People who criticize without a sincere desire to improve and improve the subject of criticism can be heartily pitied.

Often, unconstructive criticism is served under the “correct” sauce, that is, disguised as constructive. Nevertheless, she still reeks of hidden aggression. So, no matter what well-wishers advise you what seems to be correct and useful things, if
and these pieces of advice spoil your mood and lower your self-esteem - this is “bad” criticism, the one that should be ignored.

Working on emotions

Emotions get in the way of reacting correctly to criticism. It happens that they work much faster than the mind realizes all the absurdity of critical comments addressed to oneself. Therefore, it is important to work out
develop a philosophical attitude towards life. Even a small amount of logic and common sense will help you withstand the storms of life, including helping you not get hung up on critical remarks. Many psychologists and esotericists claim that any person with whom you cross paths in life is not accidental. He must give you something, some lesson. Think about it. And there is another theory that the world is a mirror. The way you look at it, that’s the answer you get. You look at the world with kindness and positivity - and the same goes in response. And vice versa - you express aggression and negativity - and the corresponding reflection from the mirror will not hesitate to appear - you get all sorts of troubles and problems at your own expense, including offensive criticism. Why is doing good to others so beneficial?

When is criticism useful?

Of course, criticism can be useful. Often a person really wants to help - a mother, for example, but for some reason her words addressed to her still make her feel offended. And then you know for sure that they didn’t want anything bad for you. But often the closest people, like no one else, can touch a nerve. And this is good - if something hurts you, it means that you need to work on these areas - until it stops hurting you.
By the way, it is fair criticism that can be the most offensive. When you already know that you have this shortcoming and even try to fight it. And everyone points to it and pays attention to you. In this case, take a deep breath and say - yes, I’m aware of it, I’m working on it. And that's enough.

How to react correctly?

If you only hear praise addressed to you and ignore criticism, this is also not a very healthy approach.

Both praise and criticism are two sides of the same coin.

The attitude towards both one and the other should be calm.
After all, criticism cannot harm you in any way. Your arms and legs will not be taken away, your eyesight will not be lost, your money will not disappear, your loved ones will not turn away. And if it can’t do any harm, then why react violently to it?
It is also important to understand that people, in principle, have little tendency to think about other people. It is unlikely that the one who criticizes you thinks about your shortcomings day and night. All people - such is our nature - think about themselves. And that's all. Always. Therefore, the critic, by pointing out to you some imaginary or real shortcomings of yours, most likely solves his internal problems in this way. Why should you take part in this? If these are his problems, let him solve them himself.
Important points:

• Constructive criticism is always beneficial.
• Completely ignoring any criticism is not useful, as your development and personal growth stops.
• Pay attention to the meaning of what is said to you, and not to the motives of the person who made the criticism. If there is a rational grain, you should really work on yourself, even if your mother-in-law criticizes it in the company of the first husband of your current wife.

It takes experience and practice to separate useful criticism from harmful criticism. Over time, if you receive enough criticism, you will quickly learn to separate the wheat from the chaff, and only criticism that deserves attention will resonate with you.

“Criticism can be easily avoided by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~ Aristotle

People react to criticism in different ways. Some people learn from it and take it in their stride. But for some, it is a problem that causes anger, excuses, self-doubt and loss of self-esteem. How can we prevent this problem? How to properly respond to criticism? How can we make criticism bring us benefit rather than bitterness and suffering?

Rule 1 - Calm down and observe

Do not give in to the first reaction that your mind and emotions give rise to. Yes, criticism can be unpleasant, and I know that. Sometimes, having heard such criticism, we feel that our work has not received adequate assessment, that our personal qualities have been called into question. Differences between one's own expectations and the opinions of other people create unpleasant dissonance: resentment, irritation, bitterness and anger provoke a reaction of desperate defense or aggressive attack on the criticizing person. There is nothing strange or surprising in this; this is how we are forced to act by the protective psychological mechanisms hidden in us by nature.

When we hear negative criticism, we unconsciously see a threat not only to our social position, but we also feel a threat to the ideas about ourselves that have become ingrained in us. In general, we don’t like it when people say things about us that we are not used to thinking about ourselves.

Therefore, it happens that we react passionately and violently to criticism. This is, one might say, an automatic mental reaction. But where there is automatism, there is not always room for common sense and understanding. Anger and resentment narrow your field of perception, they attract all your attention only to themselves: You think much more about how to protect yourself from criticism or how to find weaknesses in this criticism than about how much it can help you.

But if you calm down and relax, wait out the first stormy wave of emotions, then your perception will become free from the overwhelming feelings, and you will see a lot more that you have not seen before. For example, the fact that there is some truth in a critical assessment, albeit too subjective. And if you take it into account, it will help you avoid many mistakes in the future. Or, on the contrary, you will understand that the remark was completely unfair, and the person who made it was in a bad mood, which provoked him to make an unkind assessment of you and your work.

A calm mind can see much more and think much more constructively than a mind subject to strong emotions.

So before you get into an argument or respond to an email containing unpleasant information about your work, try to calm down. There are many different techniques that will help you quickly pull yourself together and restore mental balance:

• Slowly count to ten in your head
• Take several deep, slow breaths in and out with your belly.
• Write down all your thoughts and write all your feelings on paper before you respond. How do you feel? What do you think? Spit it out on paper, not on a person

These are good and effective techniques that will help you “wait out” the first reaction and relax.

But in this case (if time permits) I like to simply observe my mind. To see how he worries and rushes about under the heat of the fire of my wounded self-esteem. How he becomes prejudiced, ceases to understand, and freezes in a belligerent stance in order to rush at the offender. How he showers me with heaps of flattery and self-justification to make criticism less painful...

Instead of giving in to the first reaction, just quietly observe it. As soon as you notice that your mind has again begun to come up with cunning ways to protect itself from the attacks of criticism, turn your attention back to observation. So you will not only see how the violent reaction gradually weakens and comes to naught, you will also learn a lot of new things about yourself, about how your mind behaves, how your psyche works. You will learn much more from dispassionate observation of yourself than from all the psychology textbooks combined!

But there is no need to somehow condemn this reaction of your mind. Remember, there is nothing wrong with it, because it is natural. We are so designed by nature that we can react to criticism in this way. Therefore, treat this reaction with love and understanding, but at the same time, try not to give in to it, but to remain a spectator, not involved in the performance.

If you learn this, then it will be much easier for you (anger, irritation), you will be able not to react to them immediately, but to use the time to come to the best solution to the problem you are faced with. This skill is very useful in life. It will help you avoid many quarrels, scandals and simply difficult situations. You will see that the first reaction is strongest only for a few seconds: once you hold out for this time and do not give in to the first wave, it will be much easier for you to pull yourself together.

Rule 2 - Use criticism as an opportunity to improve

Criticism is not always a reason to undermine your dignity or offend you. She can serve as a reliable assistant who will point out your weaknesses or the weaknesses of the project you are working on. It is not very correct to cover your ears and resist when such an assistant is talking to you. But this is exactly what people do who react violently to criticism addressed to them.

If you listen to this helper, you will learn a lot about yourself and perhaps become a better person! If criticism points out your weaknesses that you can improve, then this is not a reason to be upset at all! After all, you will most likely say thank you to the person who tells you in time that your car’s brakes are faulty. You will immediately take your car to a service center and possibly save your health or life. Why is it so difficult for us to accept unfavorable criticism about ourselves?

Accept it with gratitude and use it to your advantage! And rest assured, practically. Therefore, do not take criticism as a sentence and a reproach to yourself!

But what if criticism is aimed at qualities that you cannot change? Moreover, there is no reason to worry about her! What's the point of grieving over something you can't fix? circumstances are what they are.

Rule 3 - Ask for details

Sometimes it's worth clarifying a criticism. First of all, thank the person for their critical comment. Next, you should make sure that you understood him correctly: you can clarify some aspects of his remark. For example: “what do you mean by lack of references to sources”, “give an example, please!”

This will not only buy you time, but also clarify, detail the criticism and change your reaction to it. For example, at first it seemed to you that the quality of your work in general was being questioned, but after clarifying the criticism, you became convinced that it was only about a separate aspect of your work: “Okay, I’ll give an example. In the “software” section you do not have an analysis of the sources you relied on. I also did not see a detailed analysis in the “technical solutions” section. As for the remaining 12 sections, there is enough analysis there.”

Agree, such criticism is much easier to accept than the generalized statement “you do not cite sources in your work.” People tend to generalize, so ask them to clarify their comments and support them with specific examples. The same applies to life situations, not just work situations. Instead of arguing with your wife because she called you irresponsible, ask her in what situations you are irresponsible and how often such situations occur. Ask her to give examples. It is always easier to agree with examples than with abstract accusations. You can’t argue with facts; they help dot the i’s. Maybe you'll find out that you really aren't being very responsible with your life and something needs to change. Or you will come to the conclusion that the facts of irresponsible behavior are exaggerated by your spouse, they are isolated. And in many situations you remain serious and decisive.

This tactic will not only help clarify what the critic meant, but will also allow you to take a time out so as not to give in to the first reaction, which can be the most destructive when you do not have the time and opportunity to relax and calm down.

Rule 4 - Listen to criticism

When you listen to someone's criticism, just try to listen to it! You shouldn’t immediately figure out what to answer or how to defend yourself after your first words. This way, you may miss some important details in the critic's words and look stupid when responding to him. And, of course, you should not interrupt your interlocutor, trying to give him your answer. Listen carefully to the end, this will help you better understand the other person’s words, and also collect your thoughts yourself to respond in the most appropriate way. Take a moment to consider his words. No one will judge you for this; on the contrary, this way you will demonstrate respect for someone else’s point of view. You took time to think about it, and didn't just say what first came to your mind.

And the more calmly and thoughtfully you answer, the less inappropriate criticism you will hear in response, and it will be easier for you to accept criticism. Curb your ego, but also do not insult the ego of the one who criticizes you, treat criticism with respect. If two egos clash in a duel, then disaster cannot be avoided. Mutual respect and the ability to listen prevent this clash from happening.

Rule 5 - Make sure the criticism is relevant to its subject

Sometimes you need to make sure that the person criticizing you has a good understanding of the subject and purpose of your work. For example, I often receive critical feedback on my articles on this site. Many of them actually help me write better. But others seem to be aimed not at my article, but at another one that I did not write. For example, a person may criticize something that I did not indicate in the article. This can happen for various reasons. I may not have explained my point very well. Or the reader did not understand it very well. Perhaps he was simply too lazy to read the article to the end, but he had a desire to criticize it. I react to such criticism in different ways. Sometimes I try to figure out what causes it. Maybe I really explained something poorly and I should reframe my thoughts. Sometimes I just pass by without answering, because I don’t see the point in redoing the stable image that has formed in the mind of the reader who has altered my work in his own way.

Therefore, before you respond to criticism, you should make sure that it is addressed specifically to your work, and not to the distorted image of this work in the critic's head. There is no need to get involved in an argument about work that you did not do and react to such criticism with offense. After all, it is not addressed to your work, but to some distorted representation of it in the critic’s head. And this image may have little relation to the actual subject: do not take it personally. A person could come up with something himself, and then criticize what he himself came up with, thinking that he condemns your work. Don't fall for this illusion.

Also, this criticism should take into account the goals of this work. For example, it is not very smart to criticize a washing machine because it cannot send SMS.

Rule 6 - Get rid of the mindset that you have to be perfect

Let go of the belief that you have to be perfect and your work has to be perfect the first time. If everyone did their job perfectly, there would be no need for teamwork, meetings, and the exchange of ideas. People are forced to support each other, discuss the results of joint work, make suggestions and point out mistakes. Even the most senior leaders do not make important decisions alone. Because they know that every person makes mistakes.

Learn to be calm about your mistakes and shortcomings. No matter how hard you try to do something, no matter how ambitious goals you set for yourself, no matter how reverently you treat your tasks, there will always be room for error and imperfection. We are all human and we are all limited by our knowledge, experience, and beliefs. And the more we think about being perfect, the further we push perfection away from ourselves! What we fear eventually becomes our reality! By rejecting criticism, by rejecting everything that does not correspond to our idealized ideas about ourselves, about our work, we refuse to learn. We refuse to become better. We refuse to move towards perfection. The resilience of our illusions and shaky ideas about ourselves becomes more important to us than any development.

I will talk about how destructive these attitudes can be in the next paragraph, giving an example from life.

Rule 7 - Don’t argue with other people’s impressions, listen to them

A few years ago, on one forum, I saw a request from one participant to evaluate his online project. The idea for the site was interesting. But the implementation was at a very low level: small font, lack of paragraphs, confusing style of presenting information, difficulty with navigation, completely unsightly design, lack of optimization.

Critics voiced all these shortcomings, showed examples of successful sites and made suggestions on how and what needs to be corrected for the site to become popular. That is, the criticism was aimed more at helping than at denigrating the work of this person.

But you can never be wrong in your impression! If your work has a repulsive effect on someone, then that effect is what it is. If someone says that they are uncomfortable reading the text on your presentation or their eyes are strained by the colors of your design, then they are most likely not deceiving you. Yes, this impression may change over time, but now it is exactly like that and, most likely, for a reason. If you do work for people, and not to admire it alone, then it makes even more sense to listen to people’s opinions.

The author of the site I was talking about could have listened to the opinions of those who were trying to help him make the site better for the public and, perhaps, win over his loyal readers. But in order to do this, he needed to get rid of the mindset that the result of his many months of work had to be perfect. But he was convinced of the correctness of his assessment, that he knew everything better than other people, whose impressions were “wrong,” and no one except him could evaluate his work. From the very beginning, he did not want criticism, despite his request. He only wanted to receive praise for the work done. And he sacrificed a potentially successful project to his ego and stubbornness. His website no longer exists.

Rule 8 - Use someone else's opinion to add perspective

Different people think differently. They see the situation differently. They notice what others do not notice and, conversely, they do not see what you see. This is why we are forced to cooperate: our points of view complement each other, even if, at first glance, they seem to be in conflict.

It's like looking at the same point on the landscape, but from different angles. You are standing on a hill to the north, and your colleague is overlooking the point from the plain to the south. You see the landscape from above: the roofs of houses, the peaks of towers, but you do not realize the actual height of the buildings. Whereas, if you look at them from below, your eye will more accurately notice how some buildings differ in height from others. And the contradiction generated by looking from different perspectives is only imaginary.

Open collaboration, a willingness to accept someone else's point of view, gives volume, depth and completeness to the problem at hand, be it your relationship, your work, or yourself.

Rule 9 - Assess the situation

Ask yourself: who is criticizing you? Maybe this is a person who was opposed to you from the very beginning? Or someone who feels important when he criticizes others? Or is it your friend who loves you and wants to help you? Depending on the answers to these questions, your reaction to criticism will change.

Also ask yourself questions: why am I being criticized? Fair criticism or not? Did you understand me correctly? Have I given any reason to be criticized? You may realize that you did not convey your message clearly, which caused an unfavorable reaction. Or maybe your work actually has some flaws that you can fix instead of trying to convince everyone that it's perfect.

Rule 10 - Thank you for criticism. Use it as an ego trainer

Before jumping into an argument, mentally thank the person who is criticizing you. After all, criticism helps you become better! I already wrote that it points out your mistakes and helps you avoid them. But not only truthful and polite criticism can be useful to you! No matter how strange it may sound, the most useful criticism for you may be the most unfair and offensive!

On my site, some people sometimes leave impolite, offensive and unfair comments about my articles, sometimes transferring to my personality. But it is precisely such comments that strengthen my ability to calmly respond to unflattering criticism and not give in to my emotions. I call these comments: "Ego Trainer". Only the most unflattering criticism can awaken my Ego and leave me alone with it, see it at the highest point of passion and curb it. It's hard and doesn't always work out. Sometimes this struggle leaves severe emotional wounds. But if these wounds are left alone, allowed to heal, and the fire raging inside to go out, then sooner or later flowers of experience, development and knowledge will appear in their place.

A “trained” ego that is immune to insults is a guarantee of unshakable self-esteem and strong character!

It can be unpleasant for me to hear feedback from those who do not appreciate my work, just like any other person. Especially if a lot of energy and moral strength are invested in this work. But often it was from these reviews that some kind of breakthrough in understanding was born: strong emotions did not allow me to forget what they said to me, and I returned to these offensive words again and again. But gradually the veil of emotions subsided, and the truth was revealed. I've seen that even the most offensive criticism can contain some healthy grain. A person's angry reaction may be a result of his personal problems, but at the same time, it may be caused by something in me and point to something. Even if his personal perception greatly distorted what he was trying to tell. But I can take his message and decipher it, remove all unnecessary things from it and use it for myself!

Therefore, remember that whatever criticism may be: soft or aggressive, truthful or inadequate, motivated by love or hatred, it can all become useful to you! You may find grains of truth in it. And even if you don’t find it, it will temper and strengthen your ego. Therefore, always thank people for criticism (not necessarily with words, you can do it in your mind), because they provide you with an invaluable service, even if they themselves don’t know it!

Rule 11 - Consult statistics

Criticism is often subjective. Instead of losing your peace of mind because of the opinion of a single person, think about what other people think about the subject of criticism? If someone criticized your work, find out how your other colleagues rated it. If someone has criticized you personally, remember what your friends think of you. They communicate with you, love and respect you despite all your shortcomings. You can also ask yourself, what do you think about yourself and your work? You also have a great right to vote and participate in these statistics! Often we worry so much about another person's opinion that we forget to ask ourselves what we really think about it.

Opinions can be subjective, we all know this very well, but we do not use this knowledge. Thousands of laudatory reviews about us and our work can pass us by unnoticed. But one single negative review can deprive us of our mood for whole days! But such reviews will inevitably arise, especially if your work is evaluated by many people. (Remember Aristotle’s aphorism at the beginning of the article?) This is natural. You can't be perfect. You can't please everyone.

Rule 12 - Don't get involved in pointless arguments

Try to listen to criticism if it is reasonable, and simply ignore it if it is not true. This will save you time and nerves. In my article “” I wrote the following. When a person argues, his mind is completely focused on attacking his opponent or defending his own point of view. He is not interested in the truth, he either defends himself or attacks, being unable to understand and perceive. This prevents you from benefiting from criticism and improving, and also gives rise to many unpleasant emotions.

Of course, meaningless disputes should be avoided, but this does not mean that in situations where the public is waiting for your answer, you should silently accept any, even the most unfair, criticism. Sometimes you still need to pay attention to the shortcomings of criticism or its inconsistency with its subject.

Rule 13 - React when necessary

In this article, I wrote how important it is to accept other people’s criticism, listen to it, and show respect. But there are situations when criticism turns into rudeness and insult. And you need to react to this in accordance with the situation. If someone insults you on the Internet, walk by. If in real life someone regularly offends you, then you can’t just tolerate it in silence. I hope that your wisdom will tell you how to act in this situation.

Other people's opinions of you do not always stem from actual facts. Sometimes it is only the result of their personal speculation, the projection of their fears onto you. It happens that people have a negative impression of your personality or your work as a result of a quick impression, their tendency to generalize and not see the whole. Often a person's opinion of you, expressed in criticism, is only his personal problem, not yours, even if there is some truth in this opinion.

Feel free to take this truth and use it for your needs. And leave all the bitterness and anger to the critic himself, let them stay with him!

Remember, opinions about you exist only in the heads of other people and, most often, remain there if you do not let them in. Give people the right to carry any thoughts and opinions they want in their heads! Don’t make a big deal out of the fact that this is exactly what this opinion is and not some other.

But, nevertheless, one should not avoid responding to any criticism. Sometimes you may be criticized simply to irritate you, or simply out of a desire to offend you. Such criticism can be intrusive and annoying, and you cannot leave it as it is, but react.

In many situations, you will still have to defend your opinion, cut off unfair attacks and defend yourself. If you had to do this, then do it with a calm heart, without unnecessary indignation. Be persistent in defending your opinion where the situation requires persistence, without losing tact and listening skills.