Hello, Victoria.

Finding your place in life and understanding what you want is sometimes really difficult. And when you can’t feel and understand, life is hard.

You write that your character is complex, “I don’t care about everything in my life.” I think that perhaps, deep down, you are a rather sensitive and emotional person, and your indifference and so-called complex character are a way of coping with emotions and protecting yourself from pain. Maybe throughout your life or in some particularly difficult, painful or even tragic moments for you, you have encountered a lack of understanding of other people, their callousness or simply loneliness (you were left alone in difficult situations - without support and guidance)?

An attempt to kill oneself is also, often, an attempt to protect oneself from the strong feelings that a person experiences in a difficult situation, and it can also be a call, a cry that a person feels bad and needs support, understanding and participation.

You survived this too. And now you are writing here.

Also... I have a question about whether you have a young man for whom you have tender feelings and this is mutual? How are things going with your communication with young people and men? Or are you alone? I think if you are lonely and your need for love and intimacy is not satisfied, the loss of any guidelines and a feeling of lack of desires may be associated with this. If this is the case, then in order to understand yourself, it would be good to figure out why you are lonely, whether you have had relationships with men, how you now arrange your personal life, and whether you arrange what is stopping you from getting closer to people in search of mutual warmth, tenderness, love. The same goes for friends.

I know you little - only a few lines of your letter tell me a little about you. Therefore, my tips will be general - maybe something will suit you, maybe something will seem completely alien. Read, listen to yourself, try:

"Jaguar" with Jean Reno

"The last dance is mine"

"Good Will Hunting"

"Doctor Adams"

"Route 60"

"Jerry Maguire"

"My life without me"

Maybe something else will catch your eye while searching for these films.

2. There are wonderful books, by reading which you can be touched, understand something about yourself and your life and find resources within yourself to choose your path:

Frankl "Man's Search for Meaning"

Bugental "The Science of Being Alive"

Yalom "Cure for Love, and other psychotherapeutic short stories."

Alexander Lowen "Joy"

Alexander Lowen "Pleasure is a creative approach to life."

3. Also, for independent self-determination, you can use this method as creating an image of the desired future. To do this, you will need time, a large sheet of paper (Whatman paper, A1 format), various magazines (of different subjects) with color pictures, scissors, glue. Give yourself a couple of hours to be alone. Flip through magazines and cut out from them those pictures that somehow touch you, that you like, that evoke pleasant emotions in you. Maybe these are just pleasant emotions, maybe at some moments there will be a clear awareness that the picture somehow symbolizes what you want in your life. Be sure to cut out what you want!

Then, using glue and whatman paper, create a collage of these pictures, which is called “My life, the way I want to see and feel it.” Don’t think too much, follow your experiences - just arrange the pictures on whatman paper as your heart tells you. A collage is complete when, looking at it, you feel generally, satisfaction, and you can sincerely say “Yes, this is how I want to see and feel my life.”

I think that in the very process of this action, you can discover many of your desires. Maybe you already know some of them. But, it is also important to ask whether you know how to implement them and whether you notice how you stop yourself from fulfilling your desires.

4. And lastly. I think, Victoria, that you, despite your “complex and indifferent” character, are a seeking person. Your message tells me this too. You are looking for how to understand yourself, how to understand yourself, you are looking for help and support. If communication on the Internet is not enough for you to find answers to your questions, I suggest you find a psychologist with whom you would like to meet in person and talk about yourself and your life. I think you need a person who could understand you, hear you, and not educate you, but help you find your own path.

If you decide to choose a psychologist for face-to-face meetings, read Irina Bulyubash’s article “The first meeting with a psychotherapist, or protection from a fool.” In Yandex you can find it by title and author. This can help you choose a specialist with whom you feel comfortable and safe talking about yourself.

And no matter how bad it is, remember that there is always the opportunity to ask for help - be it a face-to-face meeting, a helpline or the Internet. Do not deny yourself the right to be heard when you really need it.

Find out what you really want and you will find your Calling.

Numerous motivational books and articles on finding your Calling, or in other words, Destination (Mission, Meaning of Life & etc.), advise doing this or something like this. But how to understand what you want?

It would seem, well, what’s so complicated about it? It seems like we all know what we want. Some people get more money, some get better health, some get a soul mate, some get heirs, etc.

All moral teachings about desires imposed by society are just moral teachings. Like, these desires are not true and all that.

This is bullshit! If a person dreams of a big house, a beautiful car or even a yacht, then no matter how imposed these desires may be, he still has them.

And, therefore, there is at least some interest in this. The flag is in his hands! Let him wish for good health. If only I wished.

But this is precisely where difficulties often arise - with the ability and desire to desire. The problem is that modern man most often does not know what he wants.

I want something that I don’t know what!

Our situation on Earth is truly amazing. Everyone appears on it for a short moment, without a clear goal, although some manage to come up with a goal. But from the point of view of everyday life, one thing is obvious: we live for other people - and most of all for those on whose smiles and well-being our own happiness depends...
Albert Einstein

By the way, such moral teachings about the “wrongness” of other people’s (read: imposed) desires are even more confusing. A person used to want an “apartment – ​​a car – a dacha,” so that everything would be like people’s, but now they take that away and say that it’s all vanity of vanities, he doesn’t need all this, but he needs something for the soul, something meaningful and even great, so that it’s wow, and not banal bullshit.

In my opinion, all this juggling about only prevents people from understanding what they are really missing.

But they lack only one thing - Happiness. Here The Most Important Desire any person on earth. Everything else is just things, people and events that should lead him to this Happiness.

Therefore, it makes absolutely no difference whether desires are imposed or your own, true or false. If they somehow bring a person closer to the feeling of Happiness, then they have the right to exist.

But why then do many people get lost and cannot decide on their desires? Why the hell do you most often not want anything at all?

There is only one answer here - stress.

The stress has become too much! From the crazy pace of life, from the overabundance of information, from the mass of the same opportunities that an ordinary person simply did not have 50 years ago.

And also from the crazy variety of products on supermarket shelves, from millions of movies, music and other media files that have become available at any time and in any quantity.

And the need to want something also causes a lot of stress, because it puts pressure on the brain with a stupid idea: “You have to want something, otherwise there’s no point in living.”

In fact, this is the very Main Calling of any person - to be Happy. And everything else is just accompanying goodies.

PS: Watch a very intelligent lecture from Dr. A.V. Kurpatov on the topic “How to understand what you want from life”. A little harsh, but honest and to the point.

If you have ever been interested in the topic of making your desires come true, then you probably already know that the bulk of trainings, various tips and methods are focused on a ready-made clear picture. It assumes that you know very well what you want. But what to do if the desire is still too vague, “not ripe”, you don’t want to give it up, but there is no clarity?

Don't worry, if you envision a direction but don't see the end result, that's no reason to give up on your path. Nature itself is ready to take care of you and bring clarity to your thoughts. Let's look at how this can happen with a simple example.

Imagine that you are going to a store with the intention of buying yourself a new thing. Until you have no idea what exactly you want and spend a lot of time among a variety of things, looking at price tags, trying on something, or just walking among colorful shop windows. There is no clarity. Finally, your strength leaves you and you leave with nothing. Before going to bed, you close your eyes, and hangers with clothes, things that you tried on or that you only lightly touched, again float before your mind’s eye. Now you mentally apply a variety of styles to yourself, one thing replaces another, your thoughts flow smoothly, slowly, you imagine yourself in a variety of outfits, nothing limits you. And suddenly... Stop! Here it is! Yours! You recognized him. So that's what you want! Everything is clear and understandable. The dream vanished as if by chance. Joyful excitement appeared inside. It would be morning soon! Yes! I want it!

How did you understand this? What told you? Of course, this is your wise and caring unconscious. As soon as you relaxed, let go of your thoughts, it immediately came to your aid. While the conscious mind is asleep, the unconscious can tell you the best solution. With willpower and reason, you can only find a rational, practical option, but it will not bring you the expected joy.

Returning to our example, you can imagine the consequences of a purely “reasonable approach”. Many women, at least once, have encountered a situation where their conscious arguments ultimately turned into disappointment and the question “why did I buy this?” It all starts with the thought - “there’s nothing to wear, I need to buy something”, in the fitting room she struggles with doubts: “it seems okay, but... the price”, or “it seems so-so, but at least the price”, “where you’ll find a better one,” “nothing, I’ll cut it, shorten it.” Finally, the purchase is “forced”! Goal achieved! You bring home the purchased item. No strength, depressed mood. Something inside is resisting. You put on your new thing and immediately realize that the style is not the same, the color is not yours, the price is not at all pleasing, and, in general, it is not at all what you wanted. Imagine what the consequences could be if you were buying a house or planning to move.

Therefore, when making decisions, making choices, determining desires, it is necessary to take into account not only conscious arguments, but also consult your intuition. You will not deceive yourself, your body. Your true desires will always find a way to break through. Your task is to hear and accept this signal. By the way, if we're talking about shopping, you can do a little research right now and find out how strong your connection with the unconscious is. Remember how many things you bought, and then realized that you didn’t want to wear or use them. The more “unnecessary things” accumulate in your home, the weaker your relationship with intuition. However, this applies not only to shopping, so you can evaluate any area of ​​your life.

But, as mentioned above, clues from the unconscious most often come chaotically, before bedtime or during a light daytime nap. This is not entirely convenient, especially when you need to get an answer to a burning question.

To make communication with the unconscious more manageable and predictable, there are special techniques. Of course, to obtain more effective results, skills are required. But don’t deny yourself the opportunity to learn a little more about this world; remember, academics also once couldn’t read. You can learn everything, feel free to take your first step.

This technique is based on visualization and presupposes the presence of at least primary skills in entering a trance. If you don’t know them yet, be sure to find an opportunity to learn, but for now...

1. Decide on the question. What desire would you like to clarify for yourself? What exactly do you not know what you want?
2. Relax, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and exhale. Leave the bustle, worries and problems in the outside world.
3. Determine your starting point. You will build on it. Provide a rough image of what you want. If you are looking for where to go on vacation, then imagine a city or area; if you want to buy a thing, then without any effort on yourself, just let the first thought come and leave this image as a starting point.
4. Allow the image to “spin”, transform, flow from one to another. Your eyes will still be closed. Dream. There is no need to make any conscious effort; let your images and thoughts flow at their own pace.
5. Wait until some of the flow of images stabilizes and stops changing. You will have a desire to slow down, a feeling of joy and confidence will appear that this is really “it”. A warm wave can run through your body. You will feel emotional uplift, delight, inspiration. Pay special attention to bodily reactions. If even the slightest doubt arises, you feel tension, then don’t stop, continue to follow the flow of images. When you find “yours”, you will have no doubts, you will bathe in positive emotions.
6. Having received the answer, thank yourself and the unconscious for your help and support. This will help you strengthen your future relationship with your inner self and will help you gain communication skills faster.

Over time, with regular training, you will learn to easily understand your unconscious and will receive answers much faster and more accurately, and sometimes right in the process of action related to your intention. Some of the answers may surprise you. But keep in mind that the unconscious is guided not only by your desires, but also has access to information that is not available to most people. His answer will be dictated, first of all, by the desire for your well-being, even if it seems to you that this is not exactly what you expected. Learn to trust yourself, and you will have the opportunity to live a happy and joyful life around the clock!

Today, more and more people are imbued with the idea that working in a routine job for an “uncle” is a boring and unfulfilling life, and they want to do what they love. Moreover, there is plenty of literature on self-improvement and starting a business. But even when circumstances are favorable and they have the opportunity to do anything they want, they don’t know what exactly to take on. How to determine which business is my favorite?

Or another case, when life seems to have everything you need for happiness - family, home, and work, but it’s somehow boring and empty, and something is still missing, and what is unclear. And then a person asks the question - what do I really want from life?

Such situations show us that the emotional sphere of a person and his inner world is a complex area, and it can be contradictory and difficult to manage. The process of growing up and personal realization is impossible without mastering your emotional world, the skill of managing your mood, and controlling the expression of your emotions. When an adult, and even in the workplace, begins to lose his temper, raise his voice, throw objects or cry - this is perceived as a manifestation of immaturity.

But very it is important to see the difference between mastering your emotional processes and their destruction, or repression.

If this happens, a person stops hearing himself, becomes alienated from himself and loses his inner guidance, the voice of his heart. And then freedom turns into a curse for a person, because he does not understand how to live without external pointers and limiters. However, there is a vague knowledge that this should not be so, and the person turns to psychology with the intention of “getting to know himself better.” And under this veiled expression there is a frightening meaning: “Help. I don't know what I want."

One trainer I know, when asked by one of the group members how to find out what she wants, answered this: “I’ll give you the account number, you transfer your apartment, car to it, and then come and I’ll tell you what you want.” . You might think that in such an ironic way he wanted to push the woman to begin to appreciate what she actually has now - and she wants it. When a person does not understand what he really needs from life, he easily becomes a subject for manipulation and use by other people for their own interests - from joining a sect to eternal service to their closest relatives. When a person does not catch the messages from within himself, he begins to believe what others tell him about his life. And then he does not live his own life, but one that is beneficial to someone else, to society.

Even Leo Tolstoy in Yasnaya Polyana began to teach peasant children, confirming the idea that they had talents to the same extent as noble children. That is, abilities are a property of human nature, not social status. Today, the idea has already become generally accepted that each person is born with special inclinations, predispositions to some area of ​​activity, and if he accurately enough determines what his soul is for and what is his purpose, then he can achieve great things in this. success or even invent something new. Or at least live a good, fulfilling life that brings him joy and satisfaction. And his field does not have to be music, science or art - you can be a genius in something ordinary, even in darning socks. This reveals the uniqueness of the individual, and there are no two people in the world with exactly the same set of abilities.

How to find and discover these most unique special abilities in yourself?

Very simple. What is most joyful and interesting for a person, what makes him forget about time and get carried away - that is his purpose. And it begins to manifest itself from childhood.

If you carefully observe a child, then from a fairly early age you can discern in him preferences for certain games, environments, people, and objects. This is often seen in the biographies of famous personalities. For example, child psychologist Julia Gippenreiter published a book where she showed how parental encouragement and attention to the interests of the child helped ensure that in the future the talent of such personalities as Stanislavsky, Prokofiev, physicist Richard Feynman and others blossomed to a world level.

Sometimes a child does not need parental encouragement, but simply a benevolent acceptance of the child’s hobby is enough to create a favorable environment in which the delicate flower of an emerging talent could calmly ripen and be nourished by internal interest.

The frequency with which favorite children's games in the future coincide or are similar in type of activity for those people who have found a favorite activity for themselves is very high. The only thing is that these should be games that the child plays while being alone with himself. Noisy group games are unlikely to provide information about the unique inner world of each participant. Constant employment, socialization, supervision can make it difficult for a child to contact his inner world. It happens best when the love of significant adults is not like directed, but like diffused light from a light bulb. That is, the child, on the one hand, knows that his mother is nearby and she is available, but at the same time he can do whatever he chooses. Parental warmth and acceptance are those rays in the light and warmth of which the seeds of his interests, desires, curiosity, and imagination begin to sprout in the child.

What does your inner Child want?

When a person grows up, the child that he was does not disappear, as is commonly believed, but continues to live inside him as a special state, or archetype. And it is this inner Child that holds the key to questions about vocation, creative discoveries and answers to the fundamental question “what do I want?” To want is the prerogative of a child, but while the personality is being formed, another internal figure is being cultivated in us - the Adult.

The Adult's task is to provide the Child with the embodiment of his desires in a socially acceptable form. On the one hand, to agree with the Child on the rules and conditions, and on the other hand, to find his place in the human community, where he could be himself and do what interests him. We have both, the main thing is to recognize them, ensure effective interaction between them and not confuse their functions. When a person stops hearing himself, then “what do I want?” he begins to decide not with his heart, but with his head, persuading himself, looking for arguments or allowing himself to be guided by others.

What prevents us from doing what we want?

Some people don't know what they want, nothing sparkles in their eyes; they feel like they don't want anything. This may be due to the fact that from an early age a person has often encountered failure to fulfill his desires, which causes discomfort, and for relief, he is accustomed to repressing his desires from consciousness so that they do not bother him. The state when “you don’t need anything” is less energetically expensive than the state when you want it, but “they still won’t give it.” However, in this state the soul languishes and gets bored, and gradually falls asleep. She sends her signals less and less often, since they still don’t hear her. And then it needs to be gradually “awakened” using special techniques.

Other people know what they love, but don't believe it's worth pursuing because they feel like the world doesn't need their work or because economic or other obstacles are insurmountable. These people need to revive or create an inner voice of self-confidence that they most likely did not hear from significant adults when they were growing up.

Self-confidence is the energy that fills the actions necessary to overcome obstacles that always stand in the way of a goal, whatever it may be. If there is not enough self-confidence, a person can very easily become despondent or constantly depend on someone else’s assessment and someone else’s will and help. But we need obstacles because they force us to mobilize all our abilities to overcome them and develop in ourselves those skills, abilities and qualities that we still lack. And through this, personal growth and development occurs. As they say, “what strains, develops.”

Some people love a lot of things, get carried away, but then get bored. Typically, this occurs after reaching a certain social status or level of skill. Most likely, this person loves to achieve results and receive praise, and not at all this activity itself.

After all, the main criterion for doing something you love is immersion in a process that brings pleasure, regardless of the result.

There are also many myths regarding what you love, and one of them is that inspiration and inspiration will accompany you throughout your life. But that's not true. And in what you love, there are periods of stagnation, repetition, creative crises, and depreciation by others. But if a person really enjoys the process itself, then the joy returns, the expended energy is restored, and the flow resumes, deepening more and more, with an unlimited increase in skill.

Thus, for each of us there is some kind of path. The main thing, and often the most difficult thing, is to find it. After all, I repeat, our inner world is very complex, and in addition to the voice of the soul, we hear many different other voices within ourselves.

For example, sometimes a person has a desire to leave people, to be left alone. Most likely, this is the voice of his traumatized part. As already mentioned, there is also a strong need within for social acceptance, recognition, praise, respect. And this is also not the voice of the soul. The easiest way is to confuse our true desires with superficial, instinctive desires to satisfy our fleeting whims and whims, which are immediately replaced by new ones. Despite the fact that sometimes pampering yourself with something is a necessary condition for internal harmony, a person also needs the ability to postpone momentary pleasure for the sake of a future significant goal.

Putting order in your inner world and getting to know all these voices is a difficult and slow process, but it is real and allows everyone who wants to work on themselves to improve the quality of their life and start doing what they really want.

Nadezhda Baranova,
psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships from 2011 to 2016

What to do if you don't know what you want? 6 ways to understand

I don’t know whether I want to write this article or not, but I’ll write it anyway. Sometimes I just feel what exactly I want: sleep, read, hug a child, write a book, go to St. Petersburg, create a shelter for homeless animals. And sometimes... To be honest, I'm lying! 🙂 I know what I want almost always (with the possible exception of choosing this or that yogurt in the supermarket). I don’t know what I want - it’s not about me.

But it was different before. I remember that as a child there were moments when I felt that I was bored, but did not know what to do with myself, what interesting things to do. I sat and thought: “What do I want? Well, what do I want? And often the answer to myself was: “I don’t know...”. Then, tired of being bored, I ran to the adults and asked: “What should I do now?” They offered options, and sometimes I actually began to engage in the proposed activity (drawing, walking, embroidering, reading), and sometimes I was childishly offended and upset because they suggested “the wrong thing.”

Yes, sometimes I myself didn’t know what I wanted. But in one case, the advice of adults could interest me (that is, subconsciously I wanted to do something specific, but I could not understand it, understand myself). In another case, the proposed activities were absolutely not interesting to me, and I rejected them, still not knowing what I wanted. But: I already knew what I didn’t want at that moment. So what to do if you don't know what you want? How to understand what you really want?

Actually, all our “wants” have different weight categories. Well, a well-known example: marriage or seeds. Therefore, when asking yourself the painful question posed in the title of the article, be aware of the global nature of the “want” or “wants”. Let's specify them, this will make our task easier. You don't know what you want. Is this connected with today and its events? Or it is related to more distant goals (for example, to get married or not to get married, to enter medical or ped school, to move to another city). Or is there an even more global perspective here, caused by an existential crisis? Shall we move on?

Option 1: let's go by the opposite...

If it’s difficult to understand what you want, maybe it will be easier to determine what you definitely don’t want? This will flesh out the remaining options available and make it easier to choose from. For example, today I definitely don’t want to go anywhere. This means that I want to spend the day at home - that’s a good start, all that’s left is to find what I want within the framework of home activities. Or: I definitely don’t want to go to university to study a technical and economic specialty. Now, there are fewer options, but they are much more specific!

Option 2: imagine, imagine...

If you don’t know what you want, you can do this: sit comfortably (if possible, lie down), close your eyes, pay attention to your breathing, inhale and exhale slowly (repeat several times). Now, start slowly counting backwards, starting, for example, from fifty. After this, do not rush to open your eyes - stay a little longer in this state, most likely, your thoughts and desires will become clearer or you will have an image of what you want.

Option 3: in a dream and in reality

In the evening, before falling asleep, try to “catch” the moment between sleep and wakefulness, and make a request to your own subconscious. You will fall asleep, and it will give you an answer, for example, in a dream, or a thought will appear immediately after waking up. In the morning, also try to stay “between the worlds” of morning doze and awakening for some time. Perhaps in this state you will come to an understanding of what you want for today, for the next year or ten years. Use this technique, it works well not only for solving the problem we are talking about today.

Option 4: magic list

Make a list of your wishes (what you want), but don’t be modest, allow yourself to wish as much as you want! How? – you ask. – After all, I don’t know what I want? Use the “by contradiction” technique, enter point by point. Imagine asking Santa Claus or Goldfish for something and you will have it. Is it easier? Now look at what happened. Is this what you want? If not, correct or clarify, this is very important, because if you want the “wrong thing”, you can get the “wrong thing”.

Option 5: paper will endure anything

It helps a lot to understand yourself and your desires by keeping notes. You don’t have to write on a large scale, but still prepare several sheets of paper. Pour the stream of consciousness onto paper, write everything that comes to mind, no matter how “nonsense” it may seem to you. If you don’t know where to start, start with the main thing: I don’t know what I want or what I should do. Develop your thought and see where the flow takes you. Surprised?

Option 6: I want to talk about it

If nothing helps you figure out what you want and the situation is more serious than choosing new shoes, consult a psychologist. A specialist will help you not only understand your desires and their reasons, but will also recommend where to start to finally translate the “I want” into concrete actions.

While I was writing the article, I realized what I want:

• hug a child;
• go out into the fresh air;
• strawberries;
• read, read and read again;
• I won't tell you more! 🙂

I don’t know what I want - it’s not about me!

If you truly want to find out what you want and improve your life, then I invite you to view your options. You will definitely find a lot of new, interesting and truly useful things for yourself!

I want to get the information I need right now!

Do you want to get everything from life without painful choices and unnecessary sacrifices? Take it!

If you liked this article and found it useful, please do a good deed by clicking on the social media buttons below. Thank you!

Natalya Reutova.