Book fragment Rom N.V. Kama Sutra of communication. How to learn to communicate with pleasure. M.: Peter, 2010

Natalya Rom is a professional business coach and practicing psychologist. Conducts trainings, seminars, consultations for a variety of audiences: from housewives to businessmen and politicians. Do you want to know the main secret of Fortune's favorites? It is simple: these lucky people know how to communicate easily - and any doors open for them! Be prepared: your life will change dramatically, because you yourself will change!

Every day we all meet many people. We communicate with family, friends, colleagues and neighbors, we come into contact with strangers in transport, a store, a cafe... But at the same time, for the vast majority of people, effective communication skills are reduced to almost zero!

Mini test

• You can't meet the person you like on your own?
• Don't know how to start a conversation?
• Are you embarrassed to ask for help?
• Do you often quarrel with your spouse?
• Are you having trouble reaching mutual understanding with your family?
• Are you asking for a salary increase, but your boss isn't paying the slightest attention to you? Are you working hard, having the right meetings, but the deals never get done?

Why? Who's to blame? Finally, what to do? Of course, study, study and study again!

And we will start, as usual, from the very beginning - with the art of making a first impression. As Bernard Shaw said: “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Therefore, take the first step seriously!

Communication verbal and non-verbal

Research has shown that about 70% of personal communication occurs through nonverbal channels. That is, with the help of movements, postures, gestures and facial expressions. And only 30% - through verbal. Of that 30%, just 10% is words and 20% includes tone of voice and intonation.

In other words, it doesn't matter what you say, it's how you say it and what gestures you use. What's more: your body starts talking even before you open your mouth and utter your first word!

That is why we will begin to comprehend the art of communication by studying facial expressions, gestures and poses. This is the basis of effective communication and any interaction with people!

The human brain is capable of capturing tens of thousands of characters per second. By the way a person walks, sits down, smiles, extends his hand, says hello, you can tell what kind of person he is and how sincere he is in his intentions. Therefore, when people meet for the first time, from the first minutes they can determine for themselves whether the interlocutor likes them or not.

What is true for other people is true for you! Every unconscious movement you make tells others everything about you and what you are really thinking. These movements may be imperceptible and elude consciousness, but they are the ones that have the strongest attracting or repulsive effect. Every smile, every look, every sound that comes out of your mouth can attract others to you or make them run away.

First impressions are especially strong. Please note: when people meet you for the first time, they sort of scan you, create an image of you. Moreover, this image remains in their memory forever! It is he who becomes a source of information for others about what you are. Based on the information received, people will communicate with you in one way or another.

One day, a famous journalist who was well versed in people’s psychotypes was asked to identify the richest person in a casino. Looking around at the playing audience, she, without thinking twice, pointed to one outwardly unremarkable guy.

When asked why she chose him, the journalist replied: “He moves like a huge wad of money.” Needless to say, she was right!

After studying this training, you, too, will be able, when meeting people, to determine at first glance who is who. And if you wish, you yourself will learn to move like a wad of money! How huge this pack will be depends only on you.

So, our first task is to learn how to create a favorable impression of ourselves from the first seconds. Let's start with a smile!

The power of a smile!

Let's remember one of Dale Carnegie's basic rules: “Smile!” We can say that this rule still applies flawlessly to this day, if... If your smile is sincere and you use it skillfully!

Think about sales consultants, networkers and sales agents. Of course, without a smile they wouldn't sell anything. But you feel that you are uncomfortable with this constant forced smile. That's right, because this smile is insincere and you subconsciously feel its true meaning. Tell me, have you ever seen business people or politicians who smile non-stop during negotiations or when making a deal? No, their smile is like a precious gift, it appears only once or twice throughout the negotiations.

The partners smile for the first time when they meet. Their smile says: “We are glad to meet you and are ready to cooperate.” The second time is when the negotiations are completed. Now a smile means: “Everything went according to plan, we are happy with the result.”

Successful people know that a smile is one of the most powerful tools of influence. Therefore, they carefully tune this tool to achieve maximum effect. They make their smile so powerful and charming that the whole world smiles with them!

Want to achieve the same effect? Then remember: The power of your smile lies in its restraint!

Discreet smile

When meeting a stranger, do not rush to smile. First, kind of evaluate your partner, look at his face. Only then slowly smile. This will tell your partner: “I’m glad to see you, I’m interested in you.”

A discreet smile will add balance and sincerity to your words. But - pay attention! - the interval between the appraising glance and the subsequent smile should be no more than one or two seconds. Otherwise, your partner will feel insecure, and instead of a positive response, you will receive a negative one.

The “restrained smile” rule is especially relevant for women in business. Women are in a hurry to smile. Thus, they give a signal: “Look what I am!” And it’s more important for us to win over our partner, so your smile should say: “Look what YOU are!”

Women who can smile discreetly are perceived as more reliable partners in the corporate world. There are thousands of examples around! Look, for example, at how female politicians and famous business women behave and smile.

So, your smile should not appear on your face immediately upon meeting, but a little later. And blossom slowly - then it will inspire more confidence.

Now let's move on to studying another important means of communication in our arsenal - gaze.

Light of the eyes

Your eyes are a powerful weapon with enormous power! One look can ignite feelings or cool down, caress or push away.

Let's remember a few definitions: “big children's eyes”, “black eye”, “running eyes”, “bewitching look”, “angry look”, “glitter in the eyes”. Eyes can tell a lot about a person!

For example, pupils dilate and contract depending on how a person's attitude and mood changes. Dilated pupils will definitely give away a woman in love. And a man will notice this sign without even realizing it. After all, our brain is designed in such a way that, unnoticed by our consciousness, we react to the slightest changes, interpreting the signals received.

By the way, this is why dim lighting creates a feeling of intimacy. The less light, the more dilated the pupils. This means that the brain sends a signal to “combat readiness”!

The players' secret

Have you ever played poker? Professional players know well that you can tell which cards your opponent has by looking at their eyes. If good cards are dealt, the pupils dilate quickly. Knowing this, the players themselves, as a rule, either wear tinted glasses or do not look their opponents in the eyes.

When you talk to people, negotiate, learn to look into the pupil - it will tell you the whole truth about a person’s true feelings and moods!

What does a look tell you?

If a person is hiding something from you, his eyes will meet yours less than a third of the time. If the interlocutor’s gaze meets yours for more than two-thirds of the entire communication time, this can mean one of two things:

• he finds you interesting or attractive (in this case, the pupils of his eyes will be slightly dilated);
• he is hostile towards you (in this case the pupils will be constricted).

Confident posture

What else will help you create the image of a confident and successful person? Of course, your posture is the basis of confident behavior!

Tell me, have you ever looked at a stranger and immediately felt that this person is confident and successful? And how did you manage to determine this? Of course, using a non-verbal channel! And first of all - in the manner of holding yourself and confident posture.

Do you want to look like a confident and successful person in the eyes of other people? And feel like that yourself? Then, first of all, straighten your shoulders! This is the basis, the foundation of confident behavior.

For a more detailed study of self-confidence and confident behavior, I can recommend the training “How to develop healthy indifference, or 12 steps to self-confidence.” Well, first, a little homework. And practice, practice, practice!

Back to the Future

Remember some bright, joyful event. For example, you were promoted, you were declared in love, you brilliantly completed a project that was important to you... Remember how excited you were, how happy you were, how pleased you were with yourself! Did you notice? Your head automatically rises. Shoulders straighten. An open smile appears on the face. The eyes begin to shine. This is what successful people look like! They stand firmly on their feet. Their movements radiate confidence. They smile softly and with dignity. And they have a proud posture!

It's never too late to establish good posture. To do this, it is enough to regularly perform simple exercises. If you are patient and persistent enough, within a month you will get into the habit of keeping your back straight.

Add to the proud posture the regal smile that we talked about above, a direct, open gaze - and success will not keep you waiting! Enjoy your new sense of self and the impression of confidence and attractiveness you make on others. Have fun with it!

First step practice

Learning to smile

Stand in front of the mirror and smile several times. Notice how diverse your smile can be! Mark the most successful options for yourself. Give them names that suit your condition. For example: “shy cutie”, “coquette”, “business woman”, “best friend”, “temptress”... Or: “real macho”, “shy nerd”, “shirt guy”, “cutie”, “honest family man” " Ask a friend or friend to act as a critic. Let him try to guess the names of all the smiles you show.

Be sure to practice the “business smile” technique on your friends. Remember: we look around at our partner, look him in the eyes and slowly smile. In this case, the time interval between your “scanning” gaze and the subsequent smile should be 1-2 seconds! No more!!! Ask your friends to tell you about the sensations after demonstrating this technique. If you manage to arouse a special favor in them, if your smile makes a pleasant impression, consider that you have learned the secret of the “discreet smile”!

Let's make some eyes

To win over your interlocutor, you should make eye contact with him most of the time you communicate. A person who rarely makes eye contact or often looks away is not trustworthy! Never wear dark glasses during negotiations or confidential communications. And vice versa, if you don’t care about a person, feel free to hide your eyes behind dark glasses!

In addition, remember several techniques for targeted “shooting with the eyes”, with the help of which you can conduct a dialogue in the way you need. Just be sure to practice on your friends or loved ones before testing them in the field! Practice is necessary to develop new skills. The slightest mistake can lead to the interlocutor misinterpreting your behavior.

A look for business negotiations.

Visually draw a bold dot on your interlocutor’s forehead - at the level of the eyebrows, in the middle between them. Imagine a T-shaped intersection between the eyebrows and nose - this will be the desired point. Looking at this point during a conversation, you make it clear to your interlocutor that you are serious.

A look for everyday communication.

Look at the bridge of your interlocutor's nose, at its very center. This is the view of an equal relationship.

A look for intimate encounters.

The gaze wanders from eye level to chest level. If you attract your partner from a distance - from eye level to the crotch. Men, when talking to women, make your gaze more “sticky.” Just hold it in front of your interlocutor even during pauses in the conversation. And if you look away, do it slowly, as if you cannot tear yourself away from your companion. This technique works flawlessly on women!

Women, if you are not interested in a man, use a businesslike look technique, while looking cold and indifferent. There is no need to look your interlocutor with a contemptuous look from head to toe. A man will decipher it as a positive answer! Better limit yourself to a businesslike look - and the unpleasant interlocutor will leave you behind.

Training proud posture

The first assistant in working on posture is the “Wall” exercise. Stand with your back close to a flat wall and lean your whole body tightly against it. Press your back, shoulders, arms, palms, buttocks, and heels against the wall. Stand in this position for five minutes. Take seven deep breaths. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth.

Then, without changing your body position, fix it. Imagine that the wall is stuck to your back and you are taking it away with you. With such a straight back, walk around the room (take steps in any direction, with any gait, but without changing the position of your back). The longer you “wear” the wall on your back, the better.

The main condition is regularity. Devote at least five minutes a day to this exercise for a month. Try to remember the feeling that accompanies correct posture and return this feeling to yourself more often.

The second exercise is called “Rope”. Imagine that the top of your head is suspended from the sky: a string is pulling you up. You seem to hang on it, exhaling and relaxing your body. At the same time, the shoulders feel like a jacket or raincoat that has been hung on a hanger. The shoulders, arms, body are relaxed, under the influence of gravity they tend downward to the ground. And the rope pulls you up. Breathe! There is no need to strain your stomach - in this position it automatically tightens, even if you completely relax your abdominal muscles. The feet stand firmly on the ground - this gives a feeling of stability and strong support in life. At the same time, you do not make any effort - it is the rope that pulls you up!

As a result, your spine feels like it is being pulled between heaven and earth. He is like a bowstring that makes no effort to be drawn. Repeat this exercise for five minutes a day for a month. You will be surprised how your posture - and your sense of self - will change!

If you are outside the home and do not have the opportunity to do posture exercises, simply repeat to yourself: “I am a brave, determined person!” Such autogenic training is especially useful before any decisive step or important meeting. Words have great power! A positive formula, repeated several times, creates the effect of “self-hypnosis.”

Having established a spirit of courage and determination with this simple technique, you will notice how your back itself straightens and your shoulders straighten. This is how inner self-confidence manifests itself in confident posture!

Simple exercises, right?! But it is with their help that you can make a favorable impression from the first seconds of meeting you. To win people over, as they say, “at first sight.” Now it’s a matter of maintaining this position!

© N.V. Rum, 2010
© Published with permission from the publisher

Instructions

Punctuality is a hallmark of a collected and responsible person. Being late, even for the most valid reasons, will create a negative impression of you before they even meet you. This is not suitable for starting dating. Your punctuality will indicate that you know how to value not only your time, but also the time of your partner.

However, you should not arrive too early either. If the person waiting for you is not yet ready or is completely absent, you will have to wait in vain for the appointed time. And coming to visit ahead of time is considered very impolite.

Remembering a name from the moment a new acquaintance is introduced to you is a good way to win someone over. During a conversation, try to address him exclusively by name. Such treatment is not only pleasant and polite, but also focuses the interlocutor’s attention on you and your statements. If you cannot remember the name of a new acquaintance the next time you meet, the person may get the impression that you were not interested in getting to know him.

Use your body, smile. These methods of non-verbal communication form a certain impression about a person in the subconscious: positive - if the interlocutor likes the behavior, negative - if it repels him. Never look away, don’t shy away from eye contact, try not to get too close to the person, violating his intimate space, and don’t tap him on the shoulder. It is enough to remember two simple actions that can lead to good, friendly relationships - a wide, natural smile and a long handshake.

Neat, appropriate clothing for the circumstances, neat hairstyle, polished shoes, make-up appropriate for the circumstances, well-groomed nails - all this, together with the correct tactics of behavior, will allow you to make the most favorable impression on your interlocutor.

When communicating with new people, watch your statements and speech in general. Don’t swear, speak competently, clearly, so that the interlocutor doesn’t ask you again, putting himself and you in an awkward position, don’t use black humor, don’t be intrusive. Be especially reserved and polite when dealing with older people and business partners.

Video on the topic

Tip 2: How to make a good impression on an employer

Having found a promising vacancy, make every effort to produce good impression on employer and get the coveted position. Without natural charm and talent as a speaker, you can produce good impression, if you thoroughly prepare for the meeting.

Instructions

To produce good impression on employer Start preparing for the meeting long before the interview. Search the Internet for information about the head of the company. Pay attention to both his work history and hobbies. Knowing the personality traits of your future boss can greatly help you during the interview process.

Having collected all the necessary information, proceed directly to preparation. Think about what you will wear to the interview. Clothes should not be too revealing or bright, but at the same time, “gray mice” are now also not held in high esteem. The best solution for you is a strict but elegant outfit.

Besides your appearance, pay close attention to your speech. This is especially necessary for those who have already been to several interviews but were not hired. The level of linguistic personality development is one of the important indicators when hiring. It is difficult for a person to assess the level of his communicative competence in the process of communication. Therefore, record your speech on a voice recorder (preferably it is a dialogue). Listen to the recording and you will be amazed, exclaiming: “Am I really talking like that!”

The most correct impression of a person is formed in the first minutes and hours of communication. It is at these moments that people make a subconscious decision about their future relationships: whether to get closer or whether it is better to stay away. Quite often, over time, opinions can change, but my experience says that the initial feeling will be correct. If something repels you at first glance, it’s worth listening. This does not necessarily mean that the person is bad, but most likely he is not suitable for you. This means that if you want to please a new acquaintance at all costs, you should focus on the first impression that you are going to make. The key here is “at all costs,” that is, for some reason you desperately need him. Well, I don’t know whether you want to sleep, get married, or milk it and quit.

To begin with, get out of your head the image of a good, correct, sexy and any other woman you intend to appear to be.

There is no universal scheme, so spend the first ten minutes studying the object. Who is he and what does he want? You have to adapt to his request. It's not that hard to guess. Watch what the person is broadcasting, how he is trying to please you, and create an ideal interlocutor for him - not the same, but complementary.

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You have to dress according to this image, and it’s difficult because you don’t know in advance what is expected of you. Therefore, clothes must be flexible. Let’s say there’s a strict blouse on top, if you’re expected to be a “good girl,” and a rather seductive T-shirt underneath if the interlocutor is in the mood for flirting: as the play progresses, you’ll understand whether it’s necessary to show it.

And for God's sake, don't dress up. Now that the most backward sections of the male population have learned the word “Louboutins,” an overly expensive or sexy thing will only compromise you: it will show that you too obviously want to sell yourself on.

You have “showed up” externally, and now it’s time to express yourself by showing off your bright and attractive personality. It's a piece of cake for us, but the problem is that sometimes you shouldn't be as bright as you really are. Gentle humor - yes, but too many people are completely devoid of self-irony, so refrain from being sarcastic. Try to avoid harsh statements about politics. In these funny times, this comes up a lot in conversation, and you can easily find yourself in different camps. In this case, no matter how balanced your opinion is, the label “stupid” is guaranteed.

If possible, do not talk about money, they will immediately suspect you. Do not try to find out his social status with “subtle” questions, establish the presence of a wife, children, or understand his views on marriage.

This kind of tricks is sewn with white thread and reveals you to be the predatory girl that you may be, but why show it.

Don't swear and try not to make jokes below the belt. No, I’m not saying that you are one of those who blow your nose into the curtain if you don’t warn in time, but sometimes when the conversation is flowing well, you become unacceptably relaxed. There are topics that are absolutely not worth discussing. Once I had a devirtualization with an Internet acquaintance. We picked each other, measured some blogger ratings, I got amused and blurted out, “Your penis is smaller than my heels.” They giggled and parted ways, after which he completely disappeared, and a couple of months later the girl close to the body hinted that the joke was extremely unsuccessful, because yes. But I still didn’t understand why he then wrote for a long time about women who strive to step on a sore spot with stilettos.

The trouble is that you will never guess where a person’s sore spot is: in his wallet, in his pants, or whether his mother never loved him. Therefore, be vigilant and careful, formal politeness has never failed anyone.

And most importantly: watch yourself, how much in this conversation you had to grimace, hold your tongue, pretend to be someone you really are not. If you had to act too much, it’s time to think about whether you need such a victory. It is unlikely that you are trying to get a man together for one night, and if you have far-reaching plans, then communication with this person will turn into constant self-abuse, into continuous emotional, intellectual and sexual service. God knows, not even the most enviable goal deserves to be broken like that. Better look for someone with whom you won’t have to be cunning, maybe just a little bit.

What questions will you find answers to in this article?

• Why listen to the news and read magazines before a meeting?
• and don’t alienate your interlocutor
• Rules for Effective Communication
• How Spotlight and Active Listening Techniques Can Help You Make a Lasting Impression

To succeed, you need to be able to negotiate with other people; this requires not only to pronounce words smoothly, but also to turn communication into pleasure. I have observed many times how people did not follow basic rules in conversation and lost valuable contacts because of this (see also How not to alienate your interlocutor). Studying situations, I formulated rules for effective communication that will help you find out how to make a good impression, and your interlocutors will feel comfortable in your company.

: 7 rules for effective communication

Rule 1.Think over the talking points

If you are about to meet a person for the first time, find out as much as possible about him (age, financial situation, interests). Use pages on social networks that are very informative. If they are not there, then there will be important links about professional activities. Any information will help to start an informal conversation.

Let me give you an example from practice. We were preparing a serious meeting between the two leaders. One of the interlocutors learned that in his youth he was fond of the sea. We used this in small things: we put the prepared documents in a folder with a marine theme, and placed anchors. Thus, important files did not go unnoticed: the person paid attention to them, simply subconsciously reaching for a pleasant thing.

Rule 2. Position yourself correctly relative to your interlocutor

Keep your distance. In our culture, it is not customary to be too close to your partner when talking. Determine a comfortable distance. Research recommends 60 cm (arm's length). In the rules of etiquette, this distance is defined as personal space. If you are too close, the person will feel discomfort and, not understanding what is going on, will decide that he does not like you. It is better for a woman and a man to sit away from each other: a small distance can be perceived as flirting.

Position your chair at an angle to the other person's chair. You should not sit directly opposite a person, otherwise subconscious mechanisms may work that trigger manifestations of aggression. Move a few centimeters to the side, and the reasons for unpleasant emotions will disappear. I was approached by a man who had a serious conversation with his boss about dismissal. I advised him to change his usual position relative to each other: move the chair to the side so as not to sit opposite the boss, change his position a little. The conversation passed peacefully - the dismissal did not take place.

Sit with your back to the wall to maintain confidence. To make your partner feel comfortable, also invite him to sit with his back to the wall. If your plans are to unsettle your interlocutor, try to ensure that his back is to the door.

Rule 3.Start a conversation with abstract topics


One of my clients found himself in a difficult situation during negotiations in Lithuania: from the first minutes he started talking about business, and the conversation soon ended - the partner refused to communicate. It turned out that in this country it is customary to talk about abstract topics before a business conversation. I often noticed this in Russia: if one of the interlocutors immediately moves on to business issues, his partners become tense, and this inevitably turns them against him.

Discuss neutral topics before getting to the point. For example, if you know that your counterpart has a dog, ask about him; if you know that his child is going to university, ask a careful question on this topic.

Rule 4.To make a lasting impression, btalk more about your interlocutor than about yourself


Most people tend to talk mostly about themselves: how well things are going for them, about their family. But the secret of successful communication is to talk more about the interlocutor. Show interest - ask open-ended questions that do not require one-word answers, for example: “How do you spend most of your free time?” The results will not be long in coming: people will be more willing to talk about themselves, and you will be considered an interesting and attentive interlocutor.

You can use the “spotlight” technique proposed by Leila Launders, an American expert in the field of communication psychology. When talking with a person, imagine that a large spotlight is shining from above: when you speak, the rays are directed at you. The longer the spotlight shines in the opposite direction from you, the more interesting you will be to your interlocutor. Leila Launders gives the following example: “Several years ago, my friend and I went to a party where the “cream of society” gathered. Everyone we spoke to turned out to be a bright and extraordinary person. When, in between conversations with other people, we shared our impressions, I asked my friend: “Diana, which of all these people present at the evening did you enjoy talking to the most?” Without hesitation, she replied, “Oh, of course, with Dan Smith!” “Who is he and what does he do?” – I asked. “Well, I don’t know for sure...” the friend answered. "Where is he from?" “I don’t know,” Diana replied. - “Well, what are his interests in life?” - “You see, we didn’t talk about his hobbies.” “Diana,” I asked. “What were you talking about?” - “It seems to me that we mostly talked about me” 1.

1 Leila Launders. How to talk to anyone, about anything. M.: Good book, 200 2. – Note. editors.

Rule 5.Practice active listening skills


In addition to the spotlight technique, using the active listening approach is a simple technique that helps the other person reveal more information. It involves actively expressing your own experiences. I will list some techniques.

Nod in agreement. This is how you express approval and invite your interlocutor to continue.

Use complementary words: “I understand”, “really”, “very interesting”, “good”, etc. The person needs to realize that you are not just listening to him, but are on the same wavelength with him.

Ask clarifying questions, for example: “What did you do in this situation? How did it all end? In this way, you help your partner open up and encourage you to continue the conversation.

From experience, I can say that if one of the interlocutors is good at active listening skills, the other does not even notice how quickly time flies.

• Planning your time: step-by-step instructions from a time management guru

Rule 6.Give compliments

Many people make the same mistakes: they make banal compliments or say them very quickly, as if casually. This devalues ​​the compliment and it loses the necessary energy. Find something in your interlocutor that you can note and tell him about it. A man really appreciates it when he is told that he has a strong handshake. If we are talking about a business partner - a woman, then a high assessment of her business qualities is accepted with much more gratitude than compliments regarding her external merits.

It is important to remember that when complimenting you should leave personal topics out of the equation. Better evaluate the furnishings of the office, the design of business cards, note the competence of the partner’s employees - everything that you paid attention to. Let me give you an example from practice. I attended a meeting between two leaders - a man and a woman I knew. They tried to agree on holding a joint event. The woman had a heavy build and on the eve of the meeting had a manicure, which, in her opinion, very poorly emphasized the thickness of her arms. The director of the company where we came, on the contrary, noted how beautiful the manicure looked. When the meeting ended, my friend talked for a long time about how unpleasant it was for her to hear about the color of her nails. She regarded the compliment as low flattery, which completely turned her against this man. The deal did not go through.

How to make a lasting impression and get rid of controversy

1. Find two or three helpers. These should be people who know you well and whose judgment you trust. Offer them a ready-made list of negative qualities (harsh, arrogant, stubborn, petty...) and ask them to mark those that, in their opinion, are inherent in you. Be patient: this can be unpleasant.
2. Never argue with your helpers or try to turn their words against them. But you can clarify: “And often I behave... (harsh, stubborn, petty, etc.)?”
3. With your answers in hand, start tracking your relationships with other people over the course of a few weeks. Identify and record in your behavior the irritating signs that your friends have pointed out.
4. If you learn to notice shortcomings, you can get rid of them by developing more constructive patterns of behavior (for example, reduce your assertiveness in negotiations if it is perceived by people as harshness, and replace it with active listening).
5. After two to three months, you will find that it has become much easier for you to establish contact with people.

Prepared from the book “I Hear Right Through You” by Mark Goulston


I am sure that every woman has experienced the situation described below at least once in her life.

At some crowded event (conference, wedding, party) you notice an interesting man and trymake an impressionat him. But after a few hours you go home, feeling like a rejected loser.

Why does this happen? What did you do wrong? Was he bored with you or did you overdo it when you wanted to show yourself as cheerful and funny?

While you remember similar situations from your life and try to understand their reason, I will tell you, so that in the end he asks you for your phone number and asks you to go on a date.

To do this, you only need to remember 10 unspoken rules.

1. Keep calm

It is clear that it is not so easy to be emotionally restrained when the man you like is nearby.However, if you want to get an invitation to a date, behave with a man you need to make him see a mystery in you.

Your task is not to impress him, as a spectator who came to a spectacular circus performance. You need to interest him in a different way...

1. Seduce him intellectually

Make a good impression on a manquite easy if you follow the 80/20 rule. With intelligent men, in most cases it works 100%.

So what should you do? In fact, everything is simple - listen to him 80% of the time and only 20% speak yourself and ask him questions.

This way you will show your interest in him and at the same time relieve him of the feeling that he is conducting a monologue.

Why does this work? Because everything, absolutely all men love to talk about themselves and their achievements.

From time to time, give him ideas to continue the story about yourself. Ask questions about his work and hobbies in sports, films, music. You will be surprised at the effect of this model of communication.

1. Don't mention marriage or future plans

In your 20% of the conversation, you should never touch on the topic of marriage. This is a completely inappropriate topic when you're trying.

Any mention of marriage can be regarded as the reason why you are now getting to know him. This will also be the reason why he wants to quickly stop the dialogue and leave.

It’s another matter if he himself asks about your plans for the future. Then, interspersed with “get a diploma”, “find a good job” and “get a kitten”, you can casually mention the desire to meet your soulmate. But we cannot focus on this.

1. Don't talk about yourself unless he asks you to.

When you try, keep your life story to yourself. He must take the initiative in this regard.

If he asks about your hobbies, childhood, youth, answer. Briefly, without going into too much detail. If he doesn’t ask such questions, it means he’s not interested in it yet. But don't be offended. There's just time for everything.

1. Listen carefully

I already mentioned that men like to talk about themselves. But we like it even more when someone listens to these stories with enthusiasm.

If you are not very interested in the information he gives out, but still want to continue the acquaintance, you will have to pretend. Look him in the eyes, nod your head, smile and laugh when appropriate.

Sometimes ask again in surprise or ask simple clarifying questions. You can be sure that this behavior will definitely helpmake a good impression on a man.

1. Don't mention your past relationships

A lot of people complain about their exes when dating or on a first date. And this applies to both men and women. But in fact, this is the worst topic you can think of to discuss when meeting someone.

Of course impress a man, talking about your difficult fate and the “goat” who ruined your life is possible. But it won't be at all what you want. Don't be surprised if the other person starts looking for reasons to leave if the conversation takes this turn.

1. Don't give advice or express your opinion until he asks.

This is the most common trap that girls fall into when they tryimpress a man.

If he talks about a situation and you really want to show yourself as an expert in this field and give advice, control yourself.

You can only express your opinion superficially. And even then, only if he himself asks for it. Think for yourself, do you need advice from a person you see for the first time in your life?

1. Touch him

Touch the back of his hand, touch his shoulder, or lightly brush his arm. But only once! This will be a discreet signal that you are interested in him as a man. But if there are a lot of similar gestures, he may understand this as an invitation to go to your home and get to know you better.

Therefore, if your goal is not a one-night stand, “hold your horses.” One or two unobtrusive touches per evening. No more.

1. Don't show interest in material things

I understand that you are tired of men who live with their mothers or are simply “rogues.” But the first conversation is absolutely not the right time to discuss his income and property.

This way you can give the impression of a girl who is looking for a “daddy” who will arrange her life. Just focus on the fact that you like him. And let him understand this.

1. Flirt, but don't flirt

Remember the line between flirting and outright advances. What impression are you trying to make on a man? If you appear in his eyes as a slutty girl, that is how you will remain in his memory.

In this case, you can’t count on more than one-time sex. But I understand correctly, your goal is? Never forget that you only have one opportunitymake a first impression on a man.

Follow the rules described in this article to achieve the desired result. If everything works out and he wants to continue dating, you may need help with how to behave correctly on the first date and subsequent meetings.

But this is a completely different topic that is best discussed in person. Come toto learn even more secrets that will help not onlymake a first impression on a man, but also to attract him and keep him.

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