What do you call a person who sees only shortcomings? Why do we only see flaws in ourselves?

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, dear psychologists! My problem is that I cannot make friends with anyone because I think that no one is suitable to be my friend.

I would like to have best friends again, but lately I have begun to notice that everyone annoys me. I study at university, I have several good friends, but there is always something that I don't like in their lives, and that's why I don't get close to them. For example, one girl has too many friends, she is constantly busy (she is not at home at all) and calls me boring. The other one is too quiet, does everything not to be noticed, besides, she eats completely wrong and is proud of it (I adhere to a healthy lifestyle, eat right and exercise).

I cannot find a loved one who would lead the same lifestyle as me, who would have a similar attitude. But I suspect that the problem is not in people, but in me. I'm trying to find some ideal person. But for now I can’t help myself: I don’t want to communicate with people who are not close to me in spirit. My boyfriend says that I should be simpler and communicate with everyone, so friends will appear. But I don’t want to communicate with everyone, I’m not interested, I’m bored. Now I’ve even started to notice that I’m better off alone, I don’t depend on the opinions of my friends, I go where I want, etc. This scares me.

In general, since childhood I have been a rather modest person. I find it difficult to get used to everything new; I get irritated when the usual order is disrupted. This also applies to communication with people. It’s not difficult for me to start a conversation first, but I have great difficulty letting people get close to me.

How to find friends if it seems that everyone around you is not suitable for this role?

Psychologist Olesya Anatolyevna Bogutskaya answers the question.

Galina, hello!

How to find friends if it seems that everyone around you is not suitable for this role? Start sorting out the reasons - why they don’t fit? And clean them up.

From the examples that you gave, say, in the first case, perhaps the main reason is the subconscious desire to also have many friends? And that’s why it’s difficult to get close to her, because... Are you afraid to enter into subconscious competition with her - and lose? Or are you overcome by other difficult feelings for her?

In the second case, a slightly different approach - help her become different, start leading a healthy lifestyle and help her see the delights of a different life. And then you will be interested, and she will be grateful to you in the end. This can seriously bring you closer together.

In general, it is not necessary to become best friends only with those who share our views and way of life. Completely different views can only bring you closer together - after all, this is how you constantly learn something new and different. You learn something. Or you become convinced that your thoughts are correct. Perhaps your friend is walking next to you, but you just don’t recognize him? Try to start looking for their virtues in people. Every person has something for which you can love him - look for it, not for shortcomings. Focus on the game - find 5 things I like about each person. Start with the simplest - boyfriend and mother. And so on. Until you reach complete strangers in transport or on the street. This will allow you to learn to balance your good critical view of things and people.

Well, if you want to dive even deeper into the problem, ask yourself how you feel about your shortcomings? How do you deal with them? Perhaps it’s difficult for you to accept the shortcomings of other people because you can’t allow them to exist in yourself at all? And analyze your self-esteem. Yours is not completely inadequate, apparently. But is it underestimated or overestimated? Find out, do an analysis. And follow based on the result.

“You are too categorical and straightforward. Life is much more diverse in its manifestation not only in human beings, but also in social groups. No one argues that spiritual fulfillment gives greater joy and a sense of happiness than material wealth.”

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The vision of the surrounding World in which a person lives (how he perceives it at this moment) depends primarily on its energy-informational content.

The energy-informational content of a person is perceived as: an imprint on his intellectual potential, - on his sensory abilities to perceive the environment...

Energy information content is a determinant of harmony and positive interaction with Our World.

Undoubtedly, the depth of penetration into the energy-informational content of Our World is proportional to the existing energy-informational content in the Human Soul.

To some, something may seem poor and boring, but to another person it is full of deep meaning and... will be interesting for further knowledge. If a person reports, in his environment, about interesting events that occur to him in everyday life, then he is usually envied. However, it is preferable to “envy” this person’s ability to perceive Our World, which gives the noticed event or phenomenon that interest and... that meaning - how it is reflected and expressed by him.

One and the same event seems deeply interesting to a person who has shown insight, but to an empty, spiritually unliberated person: a boring, everyday occurrence.

One should envy not the fact that some incident happened to someone, but the powerful imagination of an eyewitness that penetrated into the essence of what happened and turned a supposedly ordinary event into something beautiful and unusual.

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“But no one has yet canceled practicality in implementing one’s plans.”

Practicality isn't EVERYTHING.

The main thing here is not practicality, but the freedom of the Spirit, which gives rise to the feeling of wings - the talent of creation.

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“You yourself gave an example when practicality coupled with spirituality gave certain results to an entire country.”

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The whole country?

This country is the entire current WESTERN WORLD.

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“Spiritual fulfillment undoubtedly provides a more stable platform for the development and strengthening of a person’s personality. But I have also encountered profanation of spirituality. When everything is about the spirit, about spirituality, about the highest... but as soon as you get into a really critical situation, the animal prevails over the spiritual.”

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The profanation of spirituality is about the USSR, or more precisely, it is about mockery of the people.

“Spirituality” in the USSR, and with a specific dosage, was dealt with by Soviet propaganda: television, radio, newspapers, magazines, in which corrupt journalists worked under the vigilant cap of the KGB.

This kind of spirituality gave birth to the duped citizens: manifestations of the animal nature in critical situations.

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“But it happens the other way around. He seems to be an ordinary person, lives in the world and even sins a little. But in a critical situation he shows the highest spiritual qualities.

If you have an explanation for this?

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What is the pinnacle of such spirituality? Die for the Motherland, for Stalin?

The “ordinary person” is not every person.

This may be a person who was not broken by the totalitarian system.

(Not everyone becomes sycophants and traitors from the KGB).

But what can an “ordinary person” manifest in himself, living, figuratively speaking, in a CELLAR.

Without me, you know the names of poets and writers who vegetated in the USSR and their twisted destinies.

Soviet "Cervantes"?

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“Only the weak in spirit can envy. Those who follow their own path are not subject to envy, even if they are still far from spiritual perfection.”

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Those who followed their own path in the USSR ended up in prison or were shot.

Remember the fate of the geneticist Vavilov, who was “turned in” by the great Stalinist academician Lysenko.

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“The environment does influence the formation of personality, but not always. It also happens the other way around, when strong individuals make changes to the environment, to the ideology, to the spiritual and material development of entire generations.”

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Are you talking about Nelson Mandela?

Is it useful to spend thirty years in prison?

For the final formation of personality?

There are people who simply cannot find at least one virtue in themselves, but instead live in contemplation of far-fetched shortcomings. How to learn to see your own advantages?

Why do we see only negativity in ourselves? There are several reasons. First, in our society it is customary to pay attention to shortcomings; one must demonstrate one’s strengths. In order not to see only continuous disadvantages, you need to learn to correctly identify your strengths and weaknesses and develop self-respect. There are several ways to start treating yourself normally.

Don't make yourself an idol

Now there is an aggravating circumstance - every person with access to the Internet sees photographs of ideal people every day. Or rather, those whom others consider ideal. When you look at yourself, a comparison automatically arises in your mind. This is especially true for women who immediately begin to look for flaws in themselves, without noticing the obvious advantages.

Stop linking your self-esteem to other people's opinions

It’s not always worth listening to the advice of people around you, much less living based on their goals and expectations. Unfortunately, many people do this. Their choice is based on the opinions of parents, friends, relatives, and the media. They are afraid to defend their point of view. But they take criticism very seriously. If a person speaks extremely negatively about you and your abilities, then he is not satisfied with his life and is simply trying to take his anger out on you. Don't let spiteful people change your life. A person with correct self-esteem will not indulge in harsh criticism, but will share with you experience and knowledge that will help you find positive aspects in yourself and gain new ones.

Start to see yourself positively

You can tell yourself about your own importance. Or at least think about her. This will help improve your self-esteem and change the way you look at yourself. Find opportunities to say that you are a wonderful person. But at the same time, remain honest in communicating with yourself. There is a downside to this - you will begin to exaggerate your virtues and abilities, and you will begin to seem arrogant. And only you will know that it’s not a matter of high self-esteem, but a desire to hide your own insecurities.

Pay attention to your strengths

If you could tell yourself that you have a lot of advantages and then believe it, developing a good attitude towards yourself would be easy. But it is important to do the right things and actions. Take a closer look at your reflection - there are probably not only negative aspects, but also positive ones. If you are absolutely not satisfied with yourself, start working on it. Go to the gym, start doing exercises, if the root of the problem is something else, change it. Even if not everyone approves of this approach, ignore it.

Forgive your weaknesses

Sometimes guilt gets in the way. Giving up is the only way to survive the situation. Sometimes you can’t live without this feeling, but you shouldn’t dwell on it; you shouldn’t live with persistent negative thoughts inside. The main thing is not to shift responsibility to other people. Someone may have affected your self-esteem, but don't use it as an excuse. It depends only on you whether you can look at yourself with a sober look.

Value your time

Often self-esteem drops due to the fact that you cannot spend your time correctly. If you agree to low-paid work that takes too many hours, and because of this you neglect communication with your family and self-development, sooner or later you will come to an internal conflict that will provoke psychological problems. A developed sense of self-esteem always requires adequate reward. If you feel like you are wasting your time, you will lose your inner balance. And this will negatively affect both you and your loved ones. Stop and start appreciating yourself, this is the only way you can see the merits in yourself.

Live in the moment

This does not mean that lessons should not be learned from the past. But the past is not worth living. If you don’t like today, try to make tomorrow make a better impression. Keep a diary to document your achievements. Do you want to humiliate yourself, get upset because of your unsightly appearance, think that you are not capable of anything? Take out your diary and read what you wrote. Think about it - suddenly there was something new that would be worth adding.

It should be important for you to compete only with yourself. Others may not even know about it. And don't expect too much from yourself. You should not constantly add to the list of requirements, at one point it will become overwhelming and will have a bad effect on your self-esteem, constantly reminding you of those things that you have not yet achieved. You need to approach such things measuredly - regularly review your goals in life and try to understand what you should work on first. Try to treat yourself with more respect than you treat others. Say nice things to yourself every morning. And you will soon discover many more advantages than disadvantages.

Blogger Louise Aubrey knows firsthand why it is so important to love yourself and adequately perceive your own body. And she also knows how difficult it is sometimes to put this knowledge into practice. Especially if there is a photo in front of you in which you are in a swimsuit.

Even the most confident women turn into merciless critics when it comes to studying their appearance in detail (all that's missing is a microscope and a research team). As an aggravating circumstance, one should also take into account the fact that the media space of almost every person is filled to capacity. “Whenever I see myself in a photo, the first thing my gaze falls on is my flaws,” writes Louise. To confirm her words, the girl posted a collage in which, on the one hand, she showed how others see her, and on the other, how she sees herself.

Naturally, she saw folds on the back, cellulite and an overly large nose. But it didn’t even occur to her to note the obvious advantages (a wide smile, long legs and firm buttocks).

Louise Aubrey

I must admit: I am guilty. I have always strived to be honest (as I think honesty is sorely lacking on social media). Since I started writing about body positivity, I myself have made significant progress in the way I perceive my body. However, there are some things I still have to contend with. And that something is photographs. When I see a photo of myself, I always see flaws - I see what is wrong. My nose is huge, my legs are too white, I look terrible. At the same time, when I scroll through other people’s photographs, I never pay attention to their flaws. On the contrary, I see only good things.

We really need to learn. Being too strict is not cool. I'm going to work on it and I hope you will too.

Margins around the form

Remember the last time you honestly admitted to yourself that you were wrong, or sincerely criticized yourself for the action you committed? Now remember how long ago you and your friends enthusiastically washed the bones of mutual acquaintances? That's the same! When we gossip about others, we involuntarily become like this very Monkey, who in her own impartial reflection saw not herself at all, but her own gossips. Why does this happen, and where does such a strong desire to gossip about others come from? In nature, nothing happens just like that, and if we have the desire to criticize our neighbors, then this is probably not without reason. To some extent, a critical attitude towards the world around us allows us to survive in it. The better we see the shortcomings of the people around us, the easier it is for us to avoid unpleasant surprises when communicating with them. Note: while criticizing a loved one, we nevertheless continue to maintain good, friendly relations with him. So, suspicion and criticality, if, of course, they are moderately developed, do not at all prevent us from successfully interacting with society. As they say, you can expect good things, but you should be prepared for the bad. Just imagine what could happen to a person who sees only the good in his neighbors and does not notice the bad? In the end, there will definitely be someone who will abuse the gullibility and naivety of such a person.

Then why are we not inclined to criticize ourselves? Yes, because we still can’t escape ourselves, so we have to love and accept ourselves as we are. We can say that unconditional self-love is the same means of psychological defense as a critical attitude towards the world. A person who criticizes himself all the time, doesn’t like himself and doesn’t expect anything good from himself, is doomed to chronic depression and constant failures in life. But here something should be clarified. Unconditional self-love should not prevent us from assessing ourselves objectively and having an idea of ​​our own capabilities, strengths and weaknesses! Otherwise, we may face many problems. Probably, the Monkey from Krylov’s bathhouse still knew that she was a Monkey, and not a Wolf or a Fox, but this did not stop her from living in peace with herself and enjoying life. In a word, no matter how much we criticize others and no matter how inclined we are to love and forgive ourselves, it is advisable that common sense and a sense of proportion do not betray us!

Rule number one for successful communication: you should see not only the shortcomings of other people, but also their strengths.

Otherwise, if we see only flaws in everyone, we will have neither friends nor a loved one. Meanwhile, man is a social being who needs to communicate with his own kind. A critical attitude towards people allows us to discern in time and not let people too close to us who are completely unsuited to our character, or communication with whom may have bad consequences for us. At the same time, the more we are able to see their positive qualities in people, the easier it is for us to make friends and the better our relationships with society develop. Therefore, the ideal option is if, looking at a person, we are able to objectively and impartially evaluate both his positive and negative qualities.

What angers us the most are people who have the same shortcomings that we have in ourselves.

One young woman, let’s call her Lena, complained that she could not stand one of her employees, and at the same time she herself did not understand why this employee was so unpleasant to her. A deep analysis of the situation revealed an interesting fact: Lena was very annoyed that her colleague loved to brag about her outfits and successes with men. And then it turned out that Lena herself is prone to boasting, but all her life she has been trying to get rid of this quality, because she believes that boasting is humiliating. So, we conclude: the more we cannot accept some quality of character in ourselves, the more angry we become at people in whom it is clearly manifested. Most often, we readily forgive people for their shortcomings if these shortcomings are not observed in ourselves. Therefore, if you have feelings in relation to some person unmotivated hostility, think about it and try to understand: what exactly do you not like about him, and whether you yourself are guilty of this unsightly quality. Self-analysis and self-improvement are useful things that help us become a little better.

Usually we expect from the people around us the same behavior and actions that we ourselves are prone to.

Many of us have a not very good tendency to judge people by ourselves. For example, people who are prone to cunning, deception and pretense are often very distrustful, as they constantly expect that someone will deceive and cheat them. While many crystal-honest people are constantly burned by human dishonesty and dishonesty, and at the same time continue to trust people. So, we can say with confidence: the more a person blasphemes, criticizes and scolds the people around him, the more dirt there is in him! Anyone who believes that the world consists entirely of scoundrels, scoundrels and moral monsters is most likely himself very far from holiness and is capable of not very good deeds. It is not without reason that the ancient sages expressed the opinion that we see the world around us as we ourselves are. In psychology this is called subconscious projection. We project the qualities we possess onto the world around us. The more kindness and positivity we have in ourselves, the easier it is for us to see positive qualities in any person with whom we interact.

Very often our negative outlook is a consequence of incorrect attitudes received from our parents in childhood. Such attitudes greatly prevent us from building normal relationships with the people around us, and, at the same time, it is not easy to get rid of these attitudes, since they are not conscious, but are in our subconscious. If the subconscious psychological attitude turns out to be quite deep, we not only expect certain actions from the people around us - we ourselves unconsciously provoke them to these actions! Let's consider, for example, a common situation when an outwardly attractive woman has fantastic luck in her personal life - men constantly leave her. Most likely, in the subconscious of this woman there is an attitude that all men are scoundrels and traitors from whom nothing good can be expected. And the poor thing, without realizing it, behaves in such a way that the next gentleman will eventually leave her. In psychology, this phenomenon is called projective identification - subconsciously provoking a partner to behave in a certain way in accordance with one’s own expectations.

From ancient times, in addition to the saying about a speck in the eye, another wise saying has survived to this day: “The eyes are the mirror of the human soul.” But in order to look into the eyes of another person, we can see and examine his soul, our own eyes must be clean and not clouded by negativity and prejudice. Therefore, in order for fewer problems to arise in life, and for the surrounding reality to bring joy more often, it is useful to at least sometimes look not only into someone else’s soul, but also into your own, and periodically cleanse it of all rubbish - envy, jealousy, hatred and resentment. Margins around the form