It is very unpleasant when they tease. They point fingers, say nasty things and neigh like horses. Or they will quietly, at the most inopportune moment, sometimes right in class, say something offensive. They will draw a caricature on the board. Even worse, they will compose a teaser and sing it loudly. I just want to disappear, to fall through the ground. Or do anything to make it STOP. Is this a familiar state? If not, you're in luck.
First, let's try to understand:
WHY does this happen to some guys?
WHY are they teased?
WHY do they laugh at them?
Some people answer this question like this:
“BECAUSE I AM FAT (SHORT, WEAK)”;
“BECAUSE I WEAR GLASSES”;
"BECAUSE I HAVE
STUPID LAST NAME (NAME)”;
“BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A MOBILE PHONE”;
“BECAUSE I’M BAD AT RUNNING (STUDYING, DRESSING, SPEAKING).”
Or even
“BECAUSE I’M A DIFFERENT NATIONALITY”;
“BECAUSE I AM THE WORST.”
And even
"BECAUSE I'M THE TYP OF PERSON, NOBODY LIKES ME."
This line of thinking is completely wrong. And even very harmful. Because when
a person thinks so, he seems to agree with what is happening. It’s as if he’s saying: “Of course, the one with glasses should be teased. How else can you talk to someone who runs slowly?” Do you really think so? That glasses, or bad grades, or an old cell phone give permission to call someone names? You yourself understand that this is just stupidity.
THIS IS NOT THE POINT AT ALL!
In any class and in any company, be it adults or children, there are people who like to offend others. Maybe they themselves have been offended a lot before or they are afraid that if they don’t constantly point at other people’s shortcomings, everyone will notice their own. Unfortunately, such people were, are and will be. If they find themselves in a class or a group of friendly and kind kids, they will try to offend someone a couple of times, get a rebuff and sit quietly. But if the class is new, everyone still doesn’t really know each other...
Or this is a detachment in a camp... Or simply a not very friendly group, in which everyone is on their own... Expect trouble here. The offender looks around him and unmistakably finds with his gaze... who?
The fattest?
The reddest ones?
Let's look through the eyes of the offender. Here is a very fat boy, sitting and chewing a bun with raisins. Should I start with him? But he laughs so loudly, chatting with his neighbor at his desk! Perhaps, if you call him a fat guy, he won’t be the least bit upset, but will simply shrug it off.
Here is a girl with glasses, reading a book. Say something about “who has four eyes...”? But I heard how she cut off one here at the last break, she will answer something else so caustic that they will laugh not at her, but at me.
Here is a very short boy, and with the last name Malyshkin. That's it! But no. This Malyshkin, by the way, practices judo, well.
PLEASE NOTE:
no characteristics of a person make him a victim of offenders in themselves. You can be a fat (skinny) red-haired (bald) stutterer (silent) in glasses (mismatched socks), and at the same time you will not want to be teased at all.
Moreover, everyone will like you, because it is the most unusual people who are the most interesting. Just remember Pippi Longstocking or Carlson!
In fact, the offender chooses those READY TO BE OFFENSED. Ready to cry, blush, run away, complain to the teacher. Ready to become a victim.
The whole point for the abuser is to feel STRONG AND RIGHT. Well
There is no other opportunity in his life to feel this way. No luck. And if you get upset, cry, get angry, start explaining that this is all wrong, he WON!
It's like one evil game that children sometimes like to play. They will take someone’s hat or other thing and throw it to each other in a circle. And the poor guy rushes between them, tries to take it away, asks, gets angry, but always doesn’t have time. They throw the hat further, and everyone is very funny. Also, whose hat is it?
What advice can you give him? Join a basketball club, train hard for three years and learn to catch hats on the fly? So-so advice. Because it's not about whether he catches well or badly. The point is that he CATCHES. That is, he agrees to play a bad game. After all, they are not actually playing with a hat. They play it. All the pleasure of the game lies in his tears, anger, and helpless jumps. This is the disgusting pleasure of the offenders. The more the victim tries to take the hat, the more he rewards them, the more pleasure he gives them!
Therefore, the most reasonable thing in such a situation is NOT to PLAY. Turn around and leave. Even if the thing is very necessary. By the way, when the victim leaves, the offenders often immediately lose interest and throw the thing away, or even give it directly into their hands - after all, they don’t really need it. If the item was valuable and was not returned to you, tell your parents about it - it was their money that was spent on its purchase, and they have the right to demand its return.
It's the same when they tease.
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD!
The main thing is don't let your feelings overwhelm you. Remember: it’s not all about you, it’s not about who YOU are. It's all about the offenders. It is THEY who cannot live without offending anyone. So what does this have to do with you?
Therefore, you should NEVER:
ARGUE (“I’M NOT FAT AT ALL, JUST BIG”)
JOIN THE FIGHT
PRETEND NOT TO HEAR, BUT BLUE AND HIDE YOUR EYES
ANSWER THE SAME (“YOU ARE EVEN MORE OF A FAIRER!”)
COMPLAIN
ADULTS
RUN AWAY
CRY
AND GENERALLY TRY TO STOP ALL THIS.
THREATEN (“I WILL TELL EVERYTHING TO THE TEACHER!”)
Why?
Why would you stop something that DOESN'T CONCERN YOU? You never know who is doing what and what they are saying!
This is how they want to spend their time - it’s THEIR BUSINESS. What do you care?
Sometimes it seems that the abusers must be stopped. Maybe they insult your friend, or your relatives, or your people, your faith. You just need to step up!
But if you think carefully, it becomes clear that this is not so. See for yourself. For example, the boy Vasya. He says in front of the boy Petya: “Your sister is a nasty fat woman!” Let's think about it. Did something bad happen to Petya's sister because of these words? Has she changed? Have you become thicker? Has it gotten worse? No! She remained exactly the same as she was. But some people have changed. And this someone is Vasya. He said something nasty. He became worse than he was a minute before. He became more disgusting - that's for sure. So why on earth should Petya rush into battle if his sister is absolutely in no danger, and Vasya treated himself badly?
Remember: no matter what the offender says, IT WILL ONLY BE WORSE FOR HIMSELF.
There is a children's saying: “Whoever calls you what you call him is called that himself.” Very correct!
Of course, staying calm may not be easy at first, but you can learn it.
HERE'S WHAT CAN HELP TO BE PREPARE.
Just repeat to yourself: “I have nothing to do with this. IM needs this. Well, I don’t need it and I’m not interested.”
Try to imagine that you are looking at the situation from the outside, like in a movie. They just made a movie about how bad boys can be.
Everyone looks and is surprised - wow! Or that you are watching the offenders from an imaginary balcony: “What are these boys up to? Oh, how small they are down there, funny!”
Imagine yourself as some kind of hero, maybe from a book or movie, who is very difficult to offend.
What, for example, would the donkey from the movie “Shrek” say to offenders?
I think that Shrek would definitely stand up for me...
Probably something like:
“What, don’t you really like me?
What a horror!
Don't even know,
Can I sleep peacefully now?
(ha ha ha)."
And Mary Poppins?
Most likely, she wouldn't say anything at all. I would just LOOK and wince a little - there are such ill-mannered children...
What about a very big elephant?
What about a scientist, a researcher of wild tribes?
Choose the hero you like the most, and the next time they pester you, imagine that you are him.
And let him behave as he is accustomed to.
He will do everything for you.
If you manage to remain calm, you will be able to behave correctly. For example:
SMILE (“I’M SO GLAD YOU HAVE FUN!”)
YAWN (“IT’S SO BORING... SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING THEY SAID...”)
TRANSFER ATTENTION TO THE OFFENDERS (“YES, I KNOW YOU LIKE TO TALK SO”)
GIVE PERMISSION (“CALL ABOUT YOUR HEALTH, SINCE IT MAKES YOU SO GOOD!”)
REVERSE EVERYTHING (“OH, THANK YOU, I’M JUST TRAINING THE ABILITY TO FOCUS WHEN I’M DISTRACTED. CAN YOU ELSE?”)
At first, the offenders may disperse even further. They will try to shout louder and more offensively. But if you continue to remain calm, they will quickly get bored. Because they will look like mosquitoes barking at a calm, calm elephant.
By the way, there are few real offenders, those who start everything. Maybe one for the whole class or two. The rest of the guys join them just like that, without thinking. They just think at first that it’s a lot of fun to point a finger at someone, repeat offensive words and laugh.
As long as you're a victim, they think that's how you should be treated. But if you behave correctly, they will feel awkward. They might even feel ashamed. And some of them may very well respect you and want to be friends with you.
And one more thing.
If suddenly you really think that you are the WORST of EVERYONE, then calmness alone will not be enough. This cannot be left like this. Living with such a belief is very harmful to health!
Be sure to find someone you can talk to about this. Mom, grandfather, brother, teacher, friend, school psychologist. Ask them not just to say that this is all nonsense and that in fact you are wonderful, but to think with you: what good qualities do you have? What are you good at? What would you like to change about yourself and what needs to be done for this? You will learn a lot of new and interesting things about yourself!
An excellent example of a response to an offender is in the old story about the poet and philosopher Goethe.
Once Goethe was walking in a city park, and some impudent person walked towards him along the path.
- I never give way to idiots! - the boor declared proudly.
“And I always do,” the philosopher answered in a polite tone and left the path.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya - “What to do if?”
The American Psychological Association defines bullying as a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes injury or discomfort to another person. It can take the form of physical contact, verbal or a complex of more subtle actions.
At first glance, some of them are not even that obvious or significant, but they have far-reaching, profound consequences, along with an obvious demonstration of violence. These methods are used by a dictatorial boss, a controlling romantic partner, a disobedient neighbor, a sadistic family member, or just a stranger who humiliates strangers (or vice versa).
Psychologists have named five common bullying tactics of different types. Bullies may use one or more types of destructive interactions to inflict harm while deriving pleasure from the victim's suffering. Physical bullying, intimidation, and harm are not used as often, but not rarely. These include imitation of violence (waving, pushing, throwing objects near a person), extortion, rape (including in marriage), domestic violence, intimate harassment at work, invasion of personal space, provocation, physical and numerical dominance.
The second type of bullying includes material bullying. This involves the use of formal power (position or position) or material leverage (financial, informational or legal) as a form of intimidation, threat, harassment or harm. In these scenarios, the person uses the above advantages to dominate and control the victim.
Verbal bullying methods include threats, shaming, hostility, constant insults, negative judgment and criticism. Such people often use discriminatory phrases for any reason, racist, sexist, related to appearance, mental abilities, skills, and so on. Wounds from moral injury can be as deep and lasting as wounds from blows, but are not as obvious.
Passive-aggressive (hidden) bullying. This is a less frequently mentioned form of bullying, but no less insidious and dangerous. Examples of passive-aggressive bullying include gossip, offensive jokes, constant teasing, sarcasm, condescending looks, facial expressions or gestures that imply ridicule, contempt, intentionally causing embarrassment or insecurity in the victim, social exclusion, isolation, sabotaging someone's well-being, happiness , success. Smiling, such a person holds a knife behind his back.
Cyberbullying is identified as a separate type, since the channel of interaction with a person here does not occur through direct contact. Many types of physical, verbal, and passive-aggressive behavior can be carried out through social media, text messages, videos, email, online discussions, and other digital formats. Cyberbullies do not need direct physical access to their victims to cause irreparable harm to the victim.
It's hard to admit that you were wrong. It's even harder to admit it after
for how long he mocked or, at best, mocked the truth with blind zeal,
so cheerfully confident in his own infallibility.
Jennifer Robinson. Sword Singer
When you see real bullying, it can no longer be confused with anything. It's too creepy.
Mariam Petrosyan. A house in which...
Bullying as a personality quality is a tendency to make evil and insulting ridicule, act towards someone or something, joke offensively at someone; try to humiliate someone.
A quiet Chinese man lived in a communal apartment. Neighbors did all sorts of nasty things to him: they swept garbage under the door, tore buttons off a coat on a hanger in the hallway, and threw dead mice into a pan. In a word, they mocked us as much as they could. Finally, they got tired of being bullied, they confessed everything to him and promised not to do it in the future. - Rate it cold! - said the Chinese. “I won’t piss you in the tsai anymore!”
Bullying is when someone tries to steal your freedom. When a husband or wife does not fulfill their duties, is this bullying? Yes. Freedom is taken away from the other side. He or she wants to get something, but is told no. This is a form of attack on personal freedom. There is such an anecdote: “In my house, mice are bullying my cat!” - How? - The cheese in the mousetrap is smeared with valerian! Knowing the cat’s dependence on valerian, you can deprive him of freedom of action: to the delight of the mockers - the mice, like zombies, he will stick his face into the mousetrap.
Bullying comes in many faces. The boss bullies his subordinates, taking advantage of their dependent position in front of him. It is a mockery of oneself, of one’s heart – to seek short-term happiness. A sage is a person who seeks eternal happiness. A fool seeks temporary happiness, and then, when it turns away, he suffers and suffers. Passive, inattentive listening is also inherently mockery. In the East this is called insulting the teacher. If a student listens without desire and immediately tries to move on to practice, this is considered an insult to the teacher. A subtle mockery of a woman is to give a lot of money and lock her in an apartment. Throwing a belt on is a mockery of a traffic police officer. At Rublevskaya Secondary School, students throw lobsters, sturgeon and other delicacies at teachers. The teachers' council is at a loss: what is this - bullying or sponsorship? The paratrooper hits his opponent once, the second time is a mockery of the corpse. At customs. - Open the suitcase... So... Nothing... There's nothing?! You have to pay a fee for bullying customs.
Judge: - Now, defendant, tell us why, having entered the house, you took old things, but did not touch the money and the collection of diamonds? Defendant: - Well, stop mocking, Mr. Judge! My wife at home is already sick of me with this question!
Poisoned bullets of bullying sometimes sit in a person’s heart and subconscious since childhood. Bullying as a canned evil is revealed many years later in the form of muscle and mental tension. A person sometimes cannot understand the nature of today’s mental trauma, because its roots must be sought in the nursery. Someone uttered offensive words, and his consciousness instantly transferred the situation from childhood, when they teased him with offensive nicknames, tried to insult and humiliate him. It seems that many people didn’t find anything offensive in today’s offensive words, but his memory reacts to them almost like physical pain. The human body contracts and over time transforms into a muscle clamp that prevents the free circulation of energy in the body.
Bullying is a form of self-affirmation, and the spoiled mood of the victim is proof of the effectiveness of their actions. A confident, self-sufficient, forgiving person is not easily attacked by bullying. For him, the poisonous ridicule of a worthless person is like the barking of dogs for a caravan. He behaves with mockery, like the hero of a folk aphorism: “The man was angry and angry with the master, but the master didn’t even know.” Once, one famous film director responded to a TV presenter’s question: “How do you feel about Mr. Pinkin, who wrote a devastating article about you?” Without being embarrassed at all, he answered the question with a question: “And who is Pinkin, exactly?” And although he hardly knew or had not heard this sonorous and by no means the worst name in journalism, the very intonation of the answer was absolutely murderous. And the topic was automatically closed.
Psychologist S.Yu. Klyuchnikov believes that it is possible to use several successful strategies for psychological defense against bullying, ranging from retaliating with murderous irony, working to deepen the relaxation of your body, to strictly ignoring. So, he writes: « A person’s ability to relax his body plays a big role in reflecting aggressive humor. Look at TV presenters and TV stars who have learned to behave relaxed under the rays of Jupiter and freely parry any aggressive attacks directed against them. They all know how to relax their own body well, take free natural poses, and make light movements. In none of them will you find the habit of contorting or taking unnatural positions leading to muscle tension. Now take a closer look at those who are prone to embarrassment and complex when ridiculed with mockery. They almost always take unnaturally tense or submissive poses and are constrained in their movements.
Therefore, work on deepening the relaxation of your body - this will help you feel lighter, more natural and freer in situations that carry the possibility of ridicule. It is also useful to change the image and stereotype of behavior. If you always take jokes painfully and seriously, and your ill-wishers know this, you can be sure that they will not fail to take advantage of such a wonderful opportunity to please themselves and play on your nerves. But if you are known as a person of unpredictable reactions, and no one knows how you will perceive someone else’s irony: you will not notice it, like an elephant does not notice a pug, you will respond with even more refined, ornate irony, or you will turn over the table at which the offender is sitting, then the joker is unlikely to make up his mind at risk. Whatever answer you choose, try to prevent all mockery and ridicule from sticking to your aura, like an offensive nickname, but returning to its source.”
When Mark Twain was editing an agricultural newspaper, some upstart correspondent turned to him: “Could you tell a pig from a journalist?” — he asked the writer with a malicious smile. Twain looked him up and down and replied: “You know, hardly.”
Mark Twain, being a newspaper editor, once published a devastating denunciation of a certain N. It contained the phrase: “Mr. N does not even deserve a spit in the face.” This Mr. filed a lawsuit, which ordered the newspaper to publish a refutation, and Mark Twain demonstrated himself to be a “law-abiding” citizen. In the next issue of his newspaper it was printed: “Mr. N deserves a spit in the face.”
The millionaire invited the “cream of the community” to dinner. M. Twain was not ignored either. It was expected that M. Twain would amuse the guests, but this is exactly what M. Twain did not want. The millionaire was disappointed. “It seems to me, Mr. Twain, that even the biggest fool in the world couldn’t make you laugh.” “You try it,” suggested M. Twain.
Peter Kovalev
We all have a tendency to make fun of each other. For others, this tendency reaches the point of passion, so that they do not miss a single opportunity in which there would be even the slightest opportunity to ridicule their neighbor. We gladly ridicule everyone and everything, and at the same time we do not spare not only the vices of our neighbors, but also their virtues.
The habit of ridiculing people is not as unimportant as it seems to us. Let the scoffers themselves think that laughing at people is innocent fun; but in reality this is malicious and cruel fun. If we find pleasure in ridiculing people, then this is a sure sign that we are hostile to people and do not have peace of heart within ourselves. After all, the purpose of our ridicule is to hurt, to humiliate a person: therefore, by mocking a person, we have the direct intention of harming him, of doing him harm. What could be more sinful than such fun?
Let us assume that all human vices deserve persecution, and, while mocking vices, we, apparently, give them their due. And if the subject of our ridicule really were only vices, no one would reproach us for injustice - neither God nor good people. By ridiculing vices, we would show our hostile feelings towards them and would condemn them in other people as much as in ourselves. But we love to mock not vices, but vicious people, and here we become completely unjust and vicious. Evil people do not really deserve ridicule, but pity; because every vice makes a person truly unhappy.
Unhappy is the thief who is punished by human judgment, and certainly by God’s judgment. Unhappy is the libertine who crawls on the earth along with dumb animals. Unhappy is the miser who has no joys in life. Unhappy is the spendthrift who begins with contentment and ends in poverty. Unhappy is the bribe-taker whom people curse. A vicious person is certainly and truly unhappy, and laughing at him, making fun of his situation is characteristic only of an evil person.
If our ridicule corrected people, then they would be even more excusable. But the fact is that personal ridicule never corrects a person, but, on the contrary, hardens him even more.
Should we ridicule people when we ourselves are no better than them? We bring disorder, enmity, misfortune and all kinds of evil into the society of people around us; and those of our neighbors who seem funny to us and whom we mercilessly ridicule have become so by our own mercy.
What prompted, for example, this person to take up theft? We helped him a lot in this, setting him an example of disrespect for other people's property.
Why did this man become a bitter drunkard? We cajoled him and paid him for his services to us not with bread or money, but with wine treats, which taught him to drink.
For what reason did this man indulge in debauchery? We corrupted him, making shameless speeches in front of him, telling seductive examples, presenting a vile vice in an attractive form.
Who created enmity in this family? We told the husband against the wife and the wife against the husband, the parents against the children and the children against the parents, and so on. And after all our atrocities, we still laugh and rejoice over those human misfortunes that were caused by us directly or indirectly...
It should be noted that only the most vicious people have the habit of mocking their neighbors.
By ridiculing people for their real or imaginary vices, scoffers want to show that they themselves are blameless, while in reality what forces them to resort to such a crafty method of proving their blamelessness is nothing more than their bad conscience. After all, if someone really does not know anything bad about himself, he has no need to assure others, especially in roundabout ways, that he did nothing bad.
Thus, if any of us likes to publicly ridicule others for their vices, do not think of that person as if he is purer than others; no, he is the most intemperate person, he is the first libertine, the first predator, the first deceiver, gossip, hypocrite, capable of any dirty deed - in a word, the most vicious, dishonest and bad person.
Believe that this is really so, and do not support by your participation in ridicule the unjust order of things established among us, so that the worst people put the best people to shame.
To our greatest shame, we have a custom of mocking good deeds and mocking virtuous people. As soon as the drunkard has time to settle down, not only his former carousing friends, but also other ill-wishing people begin to mock his conversion to a good path and, without a twinge of conscience, point their fingers at him with the blasphemous nickname “saint.” Anyone who decides to break off a lawless relationship cannot get along with us without sharp and caustic speeches being showered on him. It seems that no true virtue escapes ridicule.
Ridicule of people is so common among us that it is hardly recognized as a moral vice; nevertheless, how much anger there is in them, how much injustice!
If you act badly, they laugh at you; and he did well - they laugh: nowhere and never can you hide from the ridicule of evil people. But Christian wisdom shows us the right means to ensure that ridicule of us is harmless to us. The remedy is very simple - do not pay attention to ridicule.
Let us not be upset by ridicule - they will stop mocking us. After all, only perky people are teased. And is the ridicule of evil people worth the honor of being indignant at them and upset?
Let us assume that the ridicule of evil people spreads a bad opinion about us in society; but it will be formed about us in society if we are upset by ridicule, get excited about it, and thereby give full credibility to the ridicule.
Treat ridicule calmly, coolly - no one will believe them, and they will stop by themselves without achieving their goal. Nothing encourages ridicule of us so much as our distress at them; and nothing disarms them as much as our calm attitude towards them (from the teachings of Priest Krasovsky, v. 2, pp. 155-161),
