When we hear the word “violence,” we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force against a weaker person. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are confident that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical violence, since it cripples not the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses self-confidence and his “I” and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.
Signs and types of psychological violence
Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of someone who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change his behavior, opinion, decision and act as the manipulative aggressor wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to mentally break the victim and make him completely dependent on his will. To achieve their goal, aggressors use the following types of psychological violence:
Protection from psychological violence
People who succumb most easily to psychological pressure are those who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all define for yourself your rights and responsibilities in each area of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.
Confronting those who like to command
When faced with someone who likes to command and give orders, you need to ask yourself two questions: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and “What will happen if I don’t do what he asks?” If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander needs to be put in his place with a phrase like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my responsibility to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.
Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly shifts part of his responsibilities to employee B without providing any counter services in return. In this case, confrontation with the aggressor will look like this:
A: You are just printing something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.
B: Am I working here as your secretary? My job responsibilities do not include printing your documents and delivering them anywhere. I have a lot of work to do, so do your report yourself and don’t distract me from my work, please.
Protection from verbal aggression
The goal is to make the victim embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore, the best defense against verbal aggression is not to live up to the expectations of the aggressor and to react completely differently than he expects: to joke, remain indifferent, or feel sorry for the offender. Also an effective way to protect against such psychological violence is the “psychological aikido” method developed by the famous psychologist M. Litvak. The essence of this method is to use depreciation in any conflict situations - smoothing out the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (like a psychiatrist agrees with everything the patient tells him).
Practical example: The husband calls and tries to humiliate his wife every time he is in a bad mood. Protection from psychological violence in this case may be as follows:
M: You don’t know how to do anything at all! You are a disgusting housewife, you can’t even clean the house properly, there’s a feather lying under the sofa over there!
Zh: Yes, I’m so incompetent, it’s so hard for you with me! Surely you can do better cleaning than me, so I will be grateful if next time you help me clean the house.
Confronting being ignored
It is important to remember that deliberate ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not succumb to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger to mercy. A person who is inclined to constantly be offended and “ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him needs to be made clear that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.
Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. The younger sister (M) has been accustomed to manipulating her older sister (S) since childhood. In cases where M doesn’t like something, she begins to deliberately ignore S and triple her boycott. Resistance to psychological pressure in such cases is as follows:
S: In a week I’m leaving on a business trip for two months.
S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You are not a small child - you will find something to entertain yourself with.
M: So that means? Then you are no longer my sister and I won’t talk to you!
Resisting psychological pressure from feelings of duty or guilt
Strong personal boundaries are a reliable defense against pressure from feelings of guilt and duty. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and responsibilities, a person will always be able to determine what is not part of his responsibilities. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibilities and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.
Practical example: A single mother (M) is trying to prohibit her adult daughter from leaving to work in another city, putting pressure on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be like this:
M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, educated you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for their parents in old age, and you are abandoning me!
D: I’m not leaving you - I’ll call you, come to visit you and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a high-paying job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?
M: What are you saying? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!
D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find many interesting things to do. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.
Stand up to bullying
When you hear from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning “if you don’t do something, then misfortune will happen in your life” or “if you don’t change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you,” you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In cases where the intimidation or threats have no basis in reality, the blackmailer can be asked to carry out his threat right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can carry out the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.
Practical example: Employee A has not done his part on the project and is trying to intimidate Employee B into doing his job. Here's how you can resist pressure in such cases:
A: Why are you going to leave if the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, the boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?
Q: I've done my part. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.
A: The boss doesn’t care who does what. He needs results. So help me if you don't want to get kicked out.
Q: What do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me because I refuse to do your part of the duties.
Many people are aware that psychological abuse is being used against them, but they do not dare fight back for fear of ruining their relationship with someone who likes to command, manipulate, or abuse. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself why such relationships are valuable and whether it is better not to communicate with an aggressive person at all than to regularly endure his insults and act to the detriment of yourself, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.
Abstract
in psychology
on the topic: “Verbal aggression”
11th grade students
Gymnasium No. 5
Lomovaya Anna
G. Melitopol
Verbal aggression is words that cause pain and force a person to believe that he probably has an idea about the world around him and about himself.
General characteristics of verbal aggression:
1. Verbal aggression destroys. It is especially destructive when the aggressor pretends that nothing is happening. The partner feels aggression, but his feelings are not taken into account, his opinion is not taken into account, he becomes even more painful from the feeling of confusion and disappointment.
2. Verbal aggression attacks a partner’s self-esteem and abilities. He himself begins to believe that there is something wrong with him, that he has no abilities, that he perceives the world incorrectly.
3. Verbal aggression can be open (angry attacks and insults) or hidden (very subtle and gradual, brainwashing). Open aggression is usually accusations of something that the partner has never done or even thought about doing. Hidden aggression is aggression on the sly and is even more destructive. The purpose of such aggression is to subjugate the partner so that he himself does not know about it.
4. In verbal aggression, the expression of contempt can be very sincere and clear.
5. Verbal aggression is manipulative in nature and seeks control over another person. Usually the victim does not understand that he is being controlled and manipulated. She may notice, however, that her life is not turning out at all as she herself planned, and of course there is a lack of joy in her life.
6. Verbal aggression is insidious. The one from whom verbal aggression comes, treats his partner, shows contempt and devaluation of him so that:
The victim's self-esteem drops significantly without her noticing it.
The victim loses self-confidence without realizing it.
The victim, consciously or unconsciously, may try to change the style of her behavior so as not to irritate the aggressor and so that he no longer hurts her.
The victim may not accept it, but he is being methodically brainwashed.
7. Verbal aggression is unpredictable. Unpredictability is one of the main characteristics of verbal aggression. The partner is literally knocked out and rutted, confused, shocked by the angry, sarcasm-filled jokes, injections and comments of the aggressor.
No matter how smart and educated the victim is, she never manages to prepare for an attack, much less can she ever understand why she is being attacked and how to avoid the attack.
8. Verbal aggression is a problem in building relationships. When a married couple is faced with a real problem about a real fact of life, such as teaching responsibility to children or how much time to spend together and apart, each may be angry, but both parties may say, “I'm angry about such and such.” or this" or "I want this." And naturally, if they are motivated by good will, they eventually come to a compromise, that is, the problem is resolved. In relationships with verbal aggression there is no conflict as such. The problem is the fact of aggression itself, and this issue is not resolved. That is, this problem is not resolved.
9. Verbal aggression contains a double message. There is a constant contrast between what the abuser tells you and his true feelings towards you. For example, he seems sincere and honest when he tells his partner that it is something wrong with him, or he may say: “No, I’m not angry at all!” - but in fact he says this precisely with malice. Or he can invite his partner to have dinner at a restaurant, and during dinner behave with him aloofly, indifferently, as if he does not understand what the partner is even doing here.
10. Verbal aggression tends to intensify, it becomes more intense, more frequent and takes on more and more sophisticated forms. For example, at the initial stage of communication, the aggressor can attack the partner only with angry attacks under the guise of jokes or restraint; gradually he adds other forms of aggression.
In many cases, verbal aggression turns into physical aggression, which, in turn, also does not begin immediately, but gradually, with “accidental” pushes, kicks, claps, hits, etc., which then turn into direct beating.
As verbal aggression intensifies, turning into physical violence, the aggressor begins to invade the partner’s personal space.
Verbal aggression and power over others
We see that verbal aggression interferes with building real relationships. This seems obvious. However, the abuser's partner may live his entire life with the illusion that there is a real relationship between them. He will think this way for several reasons. The main reason will be that as a married couple they can function quite adequately, fulfilling the roles prescribed for them by society.
Verbal aggressors usually express most of their emotions through anger. For example, if a bully feels insecure and anxious, he may immediately become angry, that is, angry that he suddenly feels insecure and restless. Meanwhile, humans are naturally endowed with the ability to experience emotions. This ability to feel, like the ability to think, is universal to human nature. Unfortunately, the aggressor most often does not want to accept his own feelings, much less show his true feelings to his partner. He builds a kind of wall between himself and his partner. It artificially creates distance in communication.
1. Closedness
2. The desire to object
3. The desire to devalue the achievements and feelings of another.
4. Verbal aggression in the form of jokes.
5. Blocking and distortion of information.
6. Reproaching and blaming another.
7. Criticism and condemnation of another.
8. Vulgarization of the meaning of what is happening.
9. Refusal of emotional support.
10. Threats
11. Name-calling
12. Command tone.
13. Forgetting and denying facts.
1. Closedness
If relationships exist between people, then communication must be more than just the exchange of information. Relationships mean spiritual intimacy. Mental intimacy presupposes empathy and compassion. Hearing and understanding the feelings of another means empathizing. Mental intimacy is impossible if one of the communicating parties does not want to talk openly about feelings, their emotions, experiences, that is, does not want to share something and support the partner.
An aggressor who refuses to listen to his partner, denies his experiences, refuses to share his thoughts and experiences - first of all, violates the main unwritten law of relationships. He shows isolation.
Closedness, silence, and restraint in manifestations act worse than words and shouts and are a category of verbal aggression. In other words, isolation is a way of behavior when a person keeps all thoughts, feelings, dreams and hopes to himself, but with a partner he remains cold, distant, trying to show himself as little as possible.
“What is there to talk about?”
“What do you want to hear from me?”
“What have I done? I'm listening to you."
“No, you won’t be interested in that.”
“Why are you asking my opinion? You will still do as you want."
These responses are very disappointing. And it may seem to your partner that their relationship is quite normal, because the companion communicates with you on business matters. At the same time, relationships become meaningless because they lack spiritual intimacy. In addition to business communication, there are 2 more types of communication. Here are three lists that illustrate all three types of communication.
Communication on business issues:
I'll come late today.
The list is on the table.
Do you need help?
Who left this here?
Where's my hammer?
The light is off.
Gasoline will run out soon, you need to refuel.
Communication – exchange of thoughts:
Well, what do you think about this?
Just listen to what happened to me when I...
I was thinking...
Have you ever wondered...?
What do you like...?
How did you feel...?
But most of all I liked...
I feel…
When you're free, let's talk?
Communication is a response to the exchange of thoughts:
I understand what you mean.
Yes, I understand you.
Interesting.
I didn't even think about it.
Wow!
Well, you have to! I always thought that...
Are you saying that...
What are you thinking about?
Do you think that...?
2. The desire to object
The desire to object is another category of verbal aggression; it is this method that aggressors very often choose. Since the aggressor lives in Reality, he sees his partner as an enemy. What right then does the victim have to his opinion if it does not coincide with the aggressor? Objection is the most destructive form of verbal aggression for relationships, because the constant contradiction of the aggressor to the partner absolutely does not allow him to communicate with him. The aggressor constantly contradicts and objects to the partner. But at the same time he does not express his point of view, and if he is closed, he becomes practically invisible.
Below is an example of an objection.
Aggressor: They took too long to change the scenery.
Partner: I didn’t even notice.
Aggressor: Are you serious?
Partner: I wanted to say that it seemed to me that it wasn’t long at all, apparently, it seemed to you the opposite.
Aggressor, angrily: Do you understand what you are saying? There is an objective reality. Understand? Any critic would agree with me!
She tries to explain that she simply has her own opinion, different from his. He told her that her opinion was wrong. And at that moment her companion became angry, and she thought it better to agree with him and admit that she had indeed missed something.
3. The desire to devalue the achievements and feelings of another
Devaluing the achievements and feelings of another denies the reality and experience of the partner and is highly destructive. If the victim does not realize what is happening to her, does not understand that she is being subjected to aggression, she can suffer for years, trying to understand what is wrong with herself, with her ability to communicate. Devaluation denies and distorts the partner’s perception of aggression, and therefore it is no coincidence that it is considered the most insidious way of aggression.
To understand the mechanism of devaluation, imagine an item on a store counter that costs one hundred dollars, but is sold at a discount of one cent. That is, the item is practically devalued to the point that it is worth nothing. A verbal aggressor also devalues the partner’s experience, experiences and feelings, as if they are worthless.
If a partner says, for example: “It hurt me to hear that from you...”, or “That’s not funny. You’re hurting me on purpose.”, the aggressor says in response something that completely devalues the partner’s feelings. Here is a sample list of such statements:
You're too sensitive.
You don't understand jokes.
You're making a scandal out of nowhere.
You have no sense of humor.
You see everything in black.
You're too emotional.
You don't understand what you're saying.
You start again!
You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
You are perverting everything.
Do you want a scandal?
It is quite natural that the partner begins to believe the aggressor. He tries to believe that, for example, there is something wrong with his perception of the world, his sense of humor and worldview. If he believes this, then confusion and a feeling of emptiness await him. He can spend hours thinking about how this happened, that he does not understand the jokes of the aggressor, etc.
4. Verbal aggression in the form of jokes
Aggression disguised as a joke is another category of verbal aggression that most people have experienced. It doesn’t take much intelligence or resourcefulness to humiliate your partner with a stupid and sometimes downright vulgar joke. The aggression is not in the joke itself. The point is surprise, speed and the fact that the aggressor hits where it hurts most, while remaining with an expression of triumph on his face. Aggression can never be funny, so it is not funny.
Derogatory comments disguised as jokes are usually directed at the victim, his intelligence and competence.
And if the partner says: “I don’t think there’s anything funny about this,” the aggressor will respond with devaluation: “You have a bad sense of humor.”
It is absolutely clear that the aggressor’s answers indicate that he is showing open hostility and is not at all eager to build relationships. Unfortunately, this is not so obvious to the victim. Because the aggressor often responds with anger, the partner may actually realize that he or she has got it all wrong. The effect that verbal aggression has on a partner's perception of the world cannot be overestimated.
Here are some angry comments that bullies make, calling them jokes:
You need a watchman!
Listen, you are easy to cheer up!
Well, what else can you expect from a woman!
Just don't lose your head!
The aggressor may even scare the partner and then laugh as if it were a joke.
5. Blocking and distortion of information
Blocking and distortion of information is a category of verbal aggression that specifically controls interpersonal communication. A verbal aggressor refuses to communicate, creates controversial situations, or withholds information. Thus, by blocking and distorting information, he prevents any attempts to resolve the conflict. He blocks information by directly demanding that the discussion be stopped or by changing the topic.
Blocking may also be accusing in nature; however, the main purpose of blocking is to stop discussion, stop communication, and hide information. Here are examples of blocking:
You know what I mean!
You think you know everything!
You heard me. I won't repeat it!
Don't interrupt me!
Bullshit!
Enough with all this nonsense here!
Stop shouting at my back!
Stop it!
Stop mumbling!
But they didn’t ask you!
Don't act like a bitch!
6. Reproaching and blaming another
A verbal aggressor loves to catch a partner in some action, violating the basic agreements of their relationship, accusing him of being angry, irritated or behaving inappropriately. Here are some examples.
Partner: I constantly feel that you are moving away from me.
Aggressor, with rage: just don’t attack me!
In this conversation, the aggressor accuses the partner of attacking him. In this way, he manages to avoid emotional intimacy and the opportunity to understand the feelings of his partner.
Aggressor: where is my wrench?
Partner: I think the kids left him in the back seat of the car.
Aggressor angrily: I didn’t ask you!
Partner: What are you angry about?
Aggressor, with rage: Don’t you understand, it was a rhetorical question.
The victim's attempts to establish communication are not accepted, and she is accused of infidelity, and thus she is to blame for the fact that the aggressor feels insecure. The point of all this is to force her to obey.
You want to create a scandal.
You're in trouble.
You are attacking me.
I've had enough of your complaints.
Stop acting like a bitch.
7. Criticism and condemnation of another
A verbal aggressor condemns a partner and then presents it as criticism. If he objects, he will say that he just wants to help, to point out the shortcomings, but in fact in this way he shows the victim that he does not accept him for who he is. Most bullies speak in a condemning tone. Thus, the favorite phrase of a verbal aggressor “you are too sensitive” always sounds condemning, as does verbal aggression in the form of jokes. Below are a few such damning statements.
Statements that begin with the words “how will I contact you...” always sound judgmental, critical and constitute verbal aggression.
Statements that begin with the words “your problem is that...” always sound judgmental, critical and constitute verbal aggression.
Most statements with the word “you” sound judgmental, critical and aggressive. Here are a few such statements with the word “you”:
You're lying.
You're never enough.
You always want to win.
You don't understand.
You don't understand jokes.
You're crazy.
You're itching.
Well, you're stupid.
Critical statements made about another person in his absence are also aggression. Only in this case all “you”, “thee”, “thee” turn into “he”, “him”, “him”. Examples:
He is afraid of his own shadow.
She distorts everything.
She talks non-stop about everything at once.
He's always grumbling.
8. Vulgarizing the meaning of what is happening
Vulgarization means that everything you say or do means absolutely nothing. When vulgarization occurs in an open, sincere tone, it is very difficult to understand what one has to face. If a partner trusts the aggressor, he will listen to his words and comments and end up feeling confused. It seems to the victim that her companion simply did not understand her, did not understand her words, interests and aspirations.
Vulgarization works on the sly, so the partner cannot understand why he feels confused and empty.
9. Withholding emotional support
Withholding emotional support leads to the gradual destruction of trust, spontaneity and spontaneity. An aggressor who uses this technique usually displays other types of aggression against his partner. Therefore, the victim's self-esteem and self-confidence are significantly reduced, which makes him even more vulnerable to the aggressor. Below are comments that are intended to destroy interest and enthusiasm.
Partner: What a beautiful flower!
Aggressor with disgust; flower like a flower.
Partner: I want to see if there is...
Aggressor: Why?
Direct rebuff is also a refusal of emotional support:
Who asked you?
Nobody asked your opinion.
You are the plug in this barrel.
You won't understand.
You can't understand this.
You won't succeed.
Who do you want to surprise?
Sabotage is one of the options for refusing emotional support. A form of sabotage is the method of interrupting. For example, an aggressor sabotages a partner’s conversation with a stranger by constantly introducing some kind of inconvenience: he suddenly starts laughing loudly, opens the piano and starts playing. He can simply interrupt his partner and finish her sentences for her.
10. Threats
With the help of threats, the aggressor manipulates the partner. A verbal aggressor usually threatens a partner to deprive him of something important or scares him with the idea that he may experience severe pain (mental or physical).
Do as I say or I'll leave you.
Do as I say, or I'll take a mistress.
Do as I say or I'll file for divorce.
Do as I say or I'll get angry.
Do as I say or I'll hit you.
If you..., I... .
11. Name-calling
This is the most overt of all types of verbal aggression. Moreover, any words they call you are verbal aggression. Of course, words such as “sunshine”, “sweetheart”, “dear” are aggression only if pronounced with sarcasm, with irony, with anger.
12. Command tone
The command tone denies equality; the aggressor does not recognize the partner as an autonomous person. When an aggressor gives orders instead of requests, he intimidates the victim, as if she is just a tool in his hands, whose raison d'être is to fulfill his every desire. Here are examples of command tone:
Throw it away.
Come here and clean this place up.
You won't go outside today.
Take him away from here.
You won't wear this.
We won't discuss this.
Shut up.
13. Forgetting and denying facts
Forgetting facts involves denial and covert manipulation. The aggressor declares that something that happened did not actually happen, and this is aggression. We all forget something sometimes. However, constantly forgetting exactly those events that are important for a partner is already aggressive denial.
It happens that the victim will gather her strength after the aggressor yelled at her and cursed her, pull herself together and try to talk with the aggressor. And he has already forgotten about what happened and says: “What are you talking about? You’re doing it again!”
Some abusers are chronically forgetful when it comes to making promises that are especially important to their partner. The partner expects an agreement, but the aggressor forgets what he promised to do.
Although the consequences of all types of aggression are destructive, it is denial that is the most catastrophic and carries the most severe destruction, because it actually denies the reality of the partner.
Children and verbal aggression
How to develop high self-esteem
When a parent is faced with a stressful situation and a child needs attention, the urgency of the moment demands a quick response. And sometimes, even when there is time to think, a parent may not notice obvious and correct solutions to a problem, because his thoughts are in disarray and it is sometimes difficult for him to concentrate.
That is why it is not harmful for parents to remind themselves from time to time that the child needs to be raised in the spirit of goodwill and respect, even if the parents themselves are in a conflict or stressful situation.
When everything you say is respectful, your words are more likely to be respectful.
There are a huge number of books on how to raise children, and just as many practical courses for parents. Sometimes it’s even difficult to choose something more specific.
When choosing books about raising children, first of all focus on those that teach respect for the child. If you give your children love and attention, if you are involved in their lives, show interest in their feelings, are honest with them, and encourage them to be independent, then in most cases you will raise loving, considerate, honest and independent people.
How to build self-confidence
I think the most effective way to raise a child to be confident is to be attentive to his wants and needs from the moment he begins to express those needs and desires. A parent might say:
Do you want to hold the spoon yourself?
Take your time, I'll wait while you tie your shoelaces.
Well, will you try to butter your own sandwich?
This is how dishes are washed.
How to teach yourself to value yourself and others.
Children are responsive to praise. They are born good, inquisitive and spontaneous. Everyone has their own unique talent or ability. As a parent, you must give your child the attention he needs. Pay attention to what your child particularly likes. This could be music, dancing, sports, games, etc. start encouraging him in quiet activities. This is how a child’s unique personality is born. Here's how to express encouragement and praise:
What a beautiful drawing!
Tell me, what is your favorite book?
You probably spent a lot of time on this.
Should I wait until you finish?
How to teach setting boundaries in communication.
To teach a child to communicate, you need to teach him to set boundaries. When parents set boundaries for children, children always feel safer. As they grow up, they learn to set their own boundaries for someone else. The easiest way to teach this is in childhood.
You can set boundaries for your child and still respect his feelings. For example, all children do not want to go to bed early or, on the contrary, want exactly what you cannot give them, but there are quite objective limits to the endurance of their nervous system and to the amount of property that is available to them.
When children experience verbal aggression
Sometimes, in an effort to protect a child, a parent overlooks the simplest things that need to be done to show respect for the child's feelings.
If your child is offended, humiliated, or bullied, he needs your help. Sometimes parents unwittingly teach their child to put up with aggression. Therefore, it is useful to constantly ask yourself: “Was there something in what I said that minimized aggression?”
If a parent tells a child: “She (he) did not want to offend you,” this means that the child is denied adequacy of perception, his pain is denied, his experience is not valued. Aggression is deliberately downplayed and thus teaches the child to put up with it.
When you acknowledge your child's feelings and confront verbal aggression, you are showing respect for the child and his or her experiences. In doing so, you become the most important sympathetic witness. You also give your child an example of how to fight back aggression, teach him to value and listen to his feelings.
On the other hand, teaching a child that words cannot hurt (most often boys are taught this) means causing the child great delirium. Children may begin to doubt everything, even themselves.
Depending on the age of the child and who needs to be rebuffed, the child must learn to give an adequate rebuff to verbal aggression. Even a school-age child needs emotional support when he needs to fight back against an adult aggressor. And then the phrase: “Don’t be afraid. I am always with you,” will completely satisfy the child’s need for support.
Children learn aggression from adults and from their peers. One of the strongest responses to a peer who teases or humiliates a child is: “It’s YOU who says that.”
Such an answer usually puts the little aggressor into a state of stupor, because the other child briefly but clearly told him: “I don’t buy it. You said it. You are responsible for this."
When Children Become Verbal Aggressors
If you hear that your child is acting out as a bully, you can try the following responses. Everything here depends on the specific situation and age of the child.
It's not good to talk like that.
I don't want to hear that from you anymore.
I can't respect you when you talk like that.
Okay, that's enough.
You won't talk like that in my house. Clear?
Anger is like a drug
Anger underscores, justifies, and legitimizes verbal aggression. Aggressive anger is a category of verbal aggression. In order to determine what aggressive anger is, it is necessary for the victim to realize that she has not done anything for which she could be shouted at, lashed out, cut off in mid-sentence, and even looked at with anger, she is not to blame, regardless of how much the aggressor blames her for everything.
Partners of verbal bullies know that no matter how much they explain what they meant, it will never get the bully to apologize for being rude. He will never say: “Sorry for yelling, losing my temper. Please forgive me." Partners know from their own experience that this never happens. But they hope that someday the time will come when the aggressor will understand. Giving up this hope is the hardest thing in the world.
It is also important for the victim to realize that it is not at all up to her whether the aggressor yells at her or not. She can speak with tenderness, she can listen to him with full attention, she can try to help him in everything, try to be an interesting conversationalist, demonstrate intelligence and erudition, become more cheerful, lose weight, change her image, become more attractive - all this will not give any results, the aggressor is everything still won't change.
The aggressor's anger is born from his own internal and completely unbearable feeling of his own powerlessness, due to low self-esteem. He expresses his anger either in hidden form through manipulation, or openly with violent attacks directed against his partner. He attacks, denounces and blames his partner. Thus, his partner becomes a scapegoat for him, and he thus denies the real reason for his anger and convinces himself, and often the victim, that it was she who said or did something that caused him to behave this way.
Partners are drug addicted to the anger of the aggressors and are looking for ways to combat the angry outbursts of their companions.
Literature:
“How to Deal with Verbal Aggression” P. Evans
Negative feelings, like positive ones, are inherent in each of us and are manifested in our behavior, emotions, and actions. Destructive behavior that contradicts the norms of coexistence in society, causing moral and physical damage to others, as well as causing psychological discomfort is considered to be aggression. And such behavior is not uncommon in our society: they were insulted in transport, rude in line, humiliated in the family, etc.
From the point of view of psycho-emotional behavior, aggression is classified as a method of self-defense, emotional release, or a way to assert oneself.
Aggression manifests itself in different ways and actions. Psychologists divide it into verbal and nonverbal aggression:
- Nonverbal aggression implies an expression of dissatisfaction with posture, gestures, facial expressions, as well as physical impact on the object of aggression and is always accompanied by verbal.
- Verbal it manifests itself only in the psychological aspect and is not physical. In essence, with verbal aggression there is devaluation and humiliation of one person by another, suppression of his will and desires, condemnation and criticism, refusal of support and self-expression. These are outbursts of anger, screams, threats that cause only psychological trauma, without causing physical harm.
Not only strangers or people who barely know each other can be subjected to verbal aggression. It can manifest itself in family relationships between husband and wife, parents and children, in friendly and collective relationships.
There are quite a few reasons for aggression:
- feeling unwell;
- overwork;
- self-dissatisfaction and self-doubt;
- alcohol use and drug addiction;
- suffered childhood and youth psychological trauma;
- influence of aggressive computer games;
- broadcasts of violence and cruel behavior from blue screens projected into life.
Advice from psychologists on how to resist inner anger while maintaining psychological balance
Of course, there is not one among us with an iron psyche and we must try to control our emotions. By learning to remove outbursts of anger within yourself, you can learn to resist aggression from the outside, and this is vital for psychological balance, physical condition, and position in society.
Try to look at conflict situations from different angles, perhaps the problem is not serious enough to make you angry and nervous. Take care of your reputation. 
Don't blame others for your troubles and problems, those around you may have nothing to do with it. And irritation and negative behavior can lead to making mistakes that are difficult to correct.
Always put yourself in the shoes of the person you want to insult, wittingly or unwittingly., humiliate with criticism, offend with a word. Even if it is for preventive or educational purposes. Pity and sympathy will immediately arise. It’s better to take a step forward by resolving the issue peacefully.
Try to treat others kinder and be more tolerant, it will come back to you. Of course, some people take psychological pleasure in pissing others off, but you must remember that aggression begets aggression, and without a response it will lose strength or die out.
Learn to avoid conflict by changing the topic of conversation. Self-control and self-esteem will improve you both in your own eyes and in the eyes of the person provoking the conflict. Try to respond to rudeness with a kind smile or a smart word - this will discourage the manifestation of negative emotions on the part of the rude person, and will help you maintain peace of mind. 
Only a positively minded person is able to cope with negative emotions. You build your own relationships and are able to correct them, learn to take responsibility for your actions, grow above yourself, and engage in self-improvement. After all, life is just a moment, so fill it with joy and positive emotions.
P.S. Sincerely, site administration.
Many women try to improve relationships with the aggressor, but any attempts to improve the relationship, learn to understand the aggressor, or become happier lead to complications.
Typical misconceptions of women subjected to aggression (domestic violence):
The consequences of verbal aggression also affect a woman’s intellectual sphere. A woman begins to be mistaken both about herself and about her relationship with an aggressive partner. Women are not always able to clearly formulate the misconceptions imposed on them, but these ideas are so deeply embedded in their consciousness that they seem to them to be the truth, reality, and not ideas about reality at all.
1. A woman believes that if she can express herself better and can explain something better, then her husband (or partner) will not be angry or angry with her.
2. A woman believes that she has some inexplicable problems with perception, that she perceives everything “not as it really is” (she is constantly told about this!).
3. A woman believes that if she behaved adequately, “she wouldn’t make mountains out of molehills and wouldn’t create scandals out of nowhere” (they constantly tell her about this!), she wouldn’t feel offended and she wouldn’t feel this way hurt.
4. A woman believes that since she herself tries to be sincere and tries to take care of her husband (partner), when he tells her that he loves her, he also takes care of her.
5. A woman believes that her husband (partner) behaves the same way with his friends and colleagues as he does with her. But they don’t make him angry, don’t make him angry or complain, which means there’s something wrong with her, not with him.
6. A woman believes that she suffers due to a misunderstanding, due to a lack of something, by mistake. She cannot understand what the mistake is or what she is missing, but instead she acquires a strong confidence in her own inadequacy and wrongness, which comes from constant accusations.
7. A woman believes that when her husband (partner) scolds, accuses or calls her names, he is fair in his assessments and accusations.
8. A woman believes that as soon as her husband (partner) understands the pain he causes her with his anger or sarcastic remarks, he will stop doing it. She believes that she simply hasn't yet found a way to explain to him how much it pains her to put up with his antics.
9. A woman believes that all men behave this way and she, unlike other women who have found understanding with their husbands, has not yet been able to find an approach to hers.
10. A woman believes that, despite repeated aggressive attacks from her husband (partner), she will someday be able to improve her relationship with him.
Reality:
Despite the woman’s numerous attempts to explain herself to her aggressor husband and find “the right words and arguments,” aggression on his part continues. A woman’s perception and emotional sphere function normally for a long time, her feelings are pain, fear, despair, anxiety, etc. - signals that aggression is being practiced towards her, but at a certain stage the woman stops trusting herself. Many women try to improve relationships with the aggressor, but any attempts to improve the relationship, learn to understand the aggressor, or become happier lead to complications.
The more a woman shares her hopes and fears with the aggressor, counting on understanding and intimacy, the more the aggressor understands how open she is to him, how defenseless and weak. He feels superior to her more strongly, becomes even colder towards her, strives to demonstrate more power over her.
The more the victim shares her interests and plans with the aggressor, the more the aggressor criticizes or condemns her, which unbalances her, distracts her from these plans and interests, and destroys her self-control.
The more the victim tries to find common topics of conversation to communicate with the aggressor, the more the aggressor remains silent, enjoying her desire to listen to him, her readiness to catch his every rare word and the power that he feels by doing so.
The more the victim achieves in life, while believing that the aggressor will also be happy for her, the more the aggressor seeks to trivialize and humiliate her efforts and achievements, in order to thus strengthen his position and again feel superior to her.
The less the victim believes that the aggressor will accept her and get closer to her, the more she moves away from him and the more often she sees friends who give her what she needs, the more hostile and angry the aggressor becomes.
These paradoxes show how all a woman’s aspirations for inner growth, integrity and improvement of relationships with her aggressor husband frighten him, worry him, cause pain and disappointment.
What's interesting is that when an abuser berates a woman, he usually describes himself exactly in the accusations he throws at her.
For example:
-You take everything too seriously!
(In fact, women underestimate the depth of their experiences and suffering, and often turn a blind eye to aggression towards them)
- You jump to conclusions too quickly!
(In fact, a woman often hesitates to draw conclusions at all)
-You see everything in black light!
(In fact, women are determined for the best and are ready to see everything in the most favorable light for the aggressor)
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Every person in his life has encountered aggression, both as an initiator and as a victim. Both positions during aggression are unpleasant. But for some reason nature made us with this ability. Maybe this aggression is actually necessary? And if so, what role does it perform? What exactly is this aggression?
There are so many questions that to reveal them you need to write a lot, and you need to read. Therefore, make yourself comfortable, we will understand what aggression is, what its types are and how to cope with verbal aggression.
A strong person can allow himself to be soft and good-natured,
while aggression and cockiness are the lot of the weak.
Icewind Dale
What is aggression?
Aggression is an emotional act, which is directed at another person, is accompanied by a desire to do something bad to him. Although this desire does not always happen. But this is already a matter of the power of aggression. We need this reaction by nature. If you look at the animal world, their aggression is aimed at establishing their own rules and protecting their lives.
Very often, fear can be the cause of aggression. In this case, the person or animal chooses the “attack” strategy. Thanks to this, he has a chance to survive. Aggression also helps a person establish his own rules and manage in certain situations. Moreover, to establish power, aggression is simply necessary.
Types of aggression
Aggression, like any phenomenon in our world, can be classified. Knowing what type of aggression the other person or you are currently experiencing will help you choose the right strategy of behavior. But this will be discussed in more detail in the main part of the article, how to deal with aggression.
Verbal and nonverbal aggression
Verbal aggression is a verbal attack on another person., which is expressed in outbursts of anger, shouting, threats or other acts that can only cause psychological trauma to another person. However, verbal aggression does not cause harm to physical health in most cases.
She is simply unpleasant and you also need to be able to resist her. After all, verbal aggression can sometimes cause more harm than non-verbal aggression. A person can even throw himself into a noose, upset by the attitude of a certain person towards himself. This is naturally not good.
If a person knows how to resist verbal aggression, then he gets a second wind. In addition, he looks much better in the eyes of others. After all, if you are able to competently fend off attacks from other people, even verbal ones, then such a person seems more confident in himself. And this personality trait is very useful for a person and his achievement of success.
The more successful a person is, the more he has to deal with verbal aggression. After all, he gets a lot of envious people and just people who are not afraid to express their opinions. If you get offended by every person who shows aggression and don’t know how to react to him, then you can really go crazy.
Nonverbal aggression is actions that are not related to the person’s words.. A person does not encounter it so often, since words can often be connected to nonverbalism. It can be of varying intensity and nature, so nonverbal aggression may or may not cause harm.
Nonverbal aggression poses a danger to another person when it is active. Then various dangerous objects and other goodies can be used. If it is hidden, then it does not pose a danger to humans.
Such aggression is expressed only in certain gestures, complexion, posture, and gaze. Moreover, the rule works that if somewhere a person suppresses the external manifestations of his aggression, then they still creep in in other gestures or poses.
Direct and indirect verbal aggression
We continue to analyze the classification of types of aggression in more detail. Now we will look at types such as direct and indirect. In principle, based on their name, the content of these varieties becomes clear.
Direct aggression is directed directly at the target and performs its function with the greatest strength.
As a result, direct verbal aggression is much more difficult to endure than indirect aggression. After all, direct aggression is aimed directly at you, and who knows how you will react. There are many factors involved here, such as life experience, position, self-confidence of the person at whom aggression is directed, as well as the ability to resist this pressure at the right time.
There are many examples of direct aggression. These are murders, fights, quarrels - in all these things, aggression is directed primarily at the person himself. Each member of the skirmish acts both as a subject and as an object of aggressive interaction, constantly inciting each other.
Our task is quite simple. There is no need to succumb to aggressive provocations. We must remember that they carry water for the offended. Don't waste your time getting overly emotional.
There is no need to respond to aggression with aggression, as this has sad prospects. Not a single murder or rape on domestic grounds happened just like that. It's even funny. People mostly feel sorry for causing harm. But in a state of increased aggressiveness this is quite possible.
Indirect aggression is not directed at you directly, but it concerns you. Examples of indirect aggression can be both relatively harmless types, such as absentee ridicule or in-person, but not directed at the object of ridicule, and offensive ones. You need to look at the situation and understand that indirect aggression is much easier to overcome.
Indirect aggression can sometimes be even more harmful than direct aggression. Especially when someone starts complaining to their boss about you. Such “snitching” can lead to very sad consequences, so you need to be vigilant in both eyes so as not to provoke others to this kind of indirect aggression.
If you find it difficult to deal with different types of aggression, then you need to read the next section of this article. Then you will see noticeable results. So how to deal with aggression?
How to deal with verbal aggression?
The fight against aggression is a necessary element in the life of every person. After all, there is not a single iron man, everyone can get angry.
Sometimes aggression can stimulate our thinking and desire to achieve a goal. Therefore, you need to be able to first distinguish between healthy aggression and unhealthy verbal aggressiveness.
As mentioned earlier, verbal aggression can stimulate not only your performance, but also this parameter in other people. There are two types of aggression:
- Self-aggression.
- Aggression from others.
Self-aggression is when you get irritated. If you do not learn to independently remove (not suppress, but rather remove) negative emotions within yourself, then you will not be able to resist the aggression of other people. After all, every person who pours out such behavior into the outside world essentially becomes a provocateur who is just waiting to prevent you from living in peace.
Moreover, some people simply like to provoke others. Some get moral pleasure from this, and some even manage to get material chips this way by compromising you for unfavorable behavior. Moreover, even ordinary resentment can develop into aggression.
It is known that there are two types of resentment:
- Introverted, reserved type. Then the person simply does not want to communicate with the one with whom he is offended.
- Extroverted. This type is most often a direct consequence of the first, although there are exceptions. This type of person always shows resentment in an aggressive form.
It could be revenge or a fight. If we do not learn not to be offended, then even the most complex person can come to this. Moreover, they even become more aggressive over time due to the fact that they swallow resentment and accumulate it. Shootings in schools were carried out by precisely those schoolchildren who were bullied and who harbored a grudge against the whole world.
Aggression from other people is when the source and provocateur is a verbal aggressor. It is important to say that this division is quite conditional, since aggression is, first of all, a mutual act. If one person does not reciprocate, the aggression immediately loses strength or fades away altogether. So it's important to understand this thing.
The best way to deal with aggression is not to respond! You can’t even endure it, because volitional efforts always end. You just need to not attach much importance to the aggression that is directed at you from other people. Believe me, it's not worth it. Any aggression ends negatively.
It has already been proven that most negative emotions provoke the occurrence of cancerous tumors. In addition, negative emotions tend to become completely embedded in our brain, so it will be increasingly difficult to get out of the abyss of negativity. Yes, it is the same addiction as a drug, since negative emotions also affect the motivational components in our brains.
This is the only way negative motivation works. I want to avoid unfavorable situations. But how can we live if we avoid everything we see in this world? We need to learn not only not to react to aggression from other people, but we also need to simply turn a deaf ear to it. No one will help you with this, only you yourself can cope with the problems that are in your heads.
Conclusions
You need to gain skills to manage your own emotional state. They take a very long time to acquire, it takes decades. But why not try. There will be something to strive for. Believe me, the secret of iron nerves is only in your head. Any emotion is nothing more than a banal physiological reaction. Therefore, actively instill in yourself the right thoughts to make life easier.
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