How to behave when people shout at you. What to do when someone yells at you? Your correct reaction

Imagine some of the most common situations. Situation one. Your husband caused a scandal to you. Situation two. Your wife is screaming at you ugly. Situation three. Your boss is yelling at you. Shall we continue? No need... Let's immediately take the bull by the horns and learn what to do in such cases.

Firstly, you should immediately understand (otherwise I won’t play with you) that they are not yelling at us in vain, but deservedly so. If we were “white and fluffy”, they wouldn’t yell at us.

Remember, there was such a famous phrase in the era of fashion for positive psychology:

What if I went out in a white coat and a truck splashed me with mud? How should I act “psychologically” then?

But if everything was psychologically in order for you at that moment, you would not have to “act” in any way - you simply would not find yourself in that place and in such a situation. Never".

So, they yell at us and insult us - to some extent deservedly so

But it is important to understand: people do not attack us, but our... sins. Our personality (hard as it may be to believe!) is not actually touched, even if it is described “accurately,” including the shape of our legs and stomach.

This is simply meaningless (quasi-meaningful!) “information noise”, the purpose of which is to hit harder, aim the weapon more accurately. That's it.

Example. If someone shouts: “Your nose is ugly,” this does not mean that the person actually thinks so about your nose. The trouble here is different. A person spontaneously guesses (or simply knows) that your nose is your personal pain point and that you personally consider your nose to be ugly.

And the brawler simply hits (without thinking) “on this nose”, correctly guessing and correctly calculating - as at the most protruding and obvious painful point.

Ask him what he thinks about your nose when he comes to his senses...

Yes, he hardly ever thought about the fact that you have a nose. Or he will say: “Normal nose, but what? I’m actually not interested in noses.”

Honestly, instead of you, the screaming person at this moment sees some kind of imaginary caricatured chimera - the “Image of the Generalized Enemy”, which really looks a little like us, and it is with her (the figure) that he talks - loudly.

So, if your boss (husband) yells at you something like: “You haven’t done anything in a month, you just dyed your hair three times!”, then one way or another we deserve this ugly scene.

But not because we really “didn’t do anything in a month”, but “dying your hair is bad”, but for completely different reasons. Look for which ones.

Maybe you yourself recently offended someone and conveniently forgot about it. Or you even think that “that’s how it should be.” Here, just like your boss or husband.

Only you hissed and hurt - In Other Words and for Another Reason. But the person you wounded was also in pain - just as it’s hurting you now.

So... The regurgitated Evil is looking for a “native” Evil to which it could carefully cling, and, joyfully finding it in you, in ecstasy it unites with this Evil. To give birth to new Evil.

You can guess how new evil is born. Just start “responding” to the one who insults you and off you go. Or in another way: endure it - and then take out this accumulated evil on someone else or on your own unfortunate body.

This is how newborn evil squeaks. Diseases, escalating scandals, the game of “pass your dirt on to someone else.” We will not allow evil to multiply. Therefore, read on - what to do.

If you yourself did not have a single drop of blackness, dirt, past misdeeds, automatic vile thoughts, that is, Evil, then a person suddenly charged (or infected) with a portion of rubbish simply would not approach you and would not yell at you and insult you.

But, unfortunately, the Evil in us is like diamonds in Yakutia - the wagons can be unloaded... It’s someone else’s evil that clings to us, like a runny nose to a person with low immunity.

More precisely, I repeat: evil clings not to us, but to that Evil that is invisibly present in us. Do you know how to separate yourself from evil?

Separate yourself from this evil. Separate this evil from yourself. And make a “snow woman” out of evil.

Elimination (separation) of Evil - creating an Imaginary Whipping Doll

So, we have done the first part of the work (theoretical preparation). We realized that it was not in vain that they were yelling at us (that we are not poor sheep suffering for no reason at all).

Maybe we even remembered how we ourselves offended someone and mentally already asked these people for forgiveness. And they promised themselves to make amends or try not to do this again. That's enough for now. This is actually a huge job.

Now let's move on to the practical part. What to do when people yell at you and insult you? And take out the pre-prepared Doll “out of the closet!”

How to “make” an imaginary Whipping Doll?

We will make this scarecrow in our imagination. It's not very difficult. Here are the rules.

The doll must be a creature of the same gender as you and approximately the same height as you, but it can be of any age - whatever you want at the moment.

Give the doll the most repulsive, cartoonish external features (for you!) - imagine how unpleasant it looks, how it walks, how it talks, what it’s wearing.

Give the doll a “past”, invent misdeeds and vices for it - but precisely those that cause the greatest moral indignation in you. Simply put: think about what this doll has done so wrong to people and nature - and so much so that, in your opinion, it can and should be mercilessly beaten, beaten, scolded, insulted, taught life.

Call the doll the funniest and most cartoonish name that makes you as disgusted as her actions and her appearance.

Important: Do not under any circumstances name the doll after an unpleasant person you know and do not give the doll an exact, recognizable resemblance to your real acquaintances!

Now, as soon as you become a victim of another sudden attack on you (from any aggressor at all) - immediately “take out” your imaginary doll and tell it gloatingly: “Got it, whore?”

This especially helps those who, while driving or crossing the road, hear insults from motorists from their window. It is among car enthusiasts that those who practice this psychological technique of defense against aggression develop an almost tennis-like reaction.

The technique of psychological defense at the time of an act of aggression from the outside looks like this:

“Take out” the doll and place it almost straight in front of you, but shifted to the left.

Mentally direct everything that the aggressor tells you - in a stream towards the doll.

Mentally nod your head and sincerely agree with everything the aggressor says, while turning your condemning gaze on the doll.

Add on your own (also mentally).

After the act of aggression is over, tell the doll something like: “See? This is for you for this and for that.”

Now mentally burn the doll with a single flash of fire, send the smoke away from you, scatter it into the wind and say: “Go and sin no more!”

As soon as you need the doll again, it will again appear in your imagination, like a Phoenix bird that can revive itself from the ashes.

The doll may suddenly change its appearance, age and misdeeds, “for which it should be beaten by the whole village,” or it may remain the same. In fact, you are starting a serious psychotherapeutic process - you are working with your Shadow. With the repressed Evil, with which you do not even admit to yourself that you are “acquainted”.

We will not go into the details of Jungian theories... This is obvious even at the intuitive level of understanding technology - what is happening there at the moment. Evil hits evil and annihilates.

It is important to know: each time you need the doll, you will need it less and less, because “peruns and lightning” will not fall into your hut with such regularity. This works.

The mechanics of the focus are as follows:

you do not return evil for evil,

you do not accumulate evil in yourself -

on the contrary, you channel evil into a safe place - into a disposable imaginary lightning rod doll, which you then mentally burn.

The doll that you create for someone else's evil to flow into it really works in this case as an analogue of a lightning rod, or even a “vomit bag,” an ashtray, a handkerchief, a paper napkin, or, if you like, a condom...

Example from life: “ugly Elsa”

One of my friends, as soon as she heard the rules of the game, came up with a doll that she called “Elzochka.” Elzochka had:

thin, waist-length hair dyed “shoe” black, ironed to the point of unreality,

huge tattoo on stomach

silicone nails with an artificial jacket three centimeters wide,

and an iPhone in the most “feminine” case imaginable.

However, Elzochka was guilty of society not by this, but by the fact that she hated men, dreamed of the fate of a rich widow, openly discussing with her girlfriends all the shortcomings and intimate characteristics of her unfortunate victims.

***
At that moment, a friend of mine was having problems with her husband. The husband got a little mad from reading the news feeds and made scenes for her on the topic “We consume too much” with unenviable regularity.

Every time the screaming husband entered the image of a whooper, my friend put Elzochka in front of her slightly to the left and began to mentally nod her head to the beat of her husband’s nasty things (like a mother who completely agrees with a father scolding his son) and said (of course, not out loud)

“You see! Uncle Petya is correct! Everything is correct! You deserve it!”

This “Uncle Petya” immediately made my friend’s eyes sparkle with laughter and dimples appeared on her cheeks. “Uncle Petya” choked on his prepared phrase when he saw his satisfied wife, and quietly went into another room.

A friend was rolling on the bed laughing...

The next time Elzochka came to her in a completely different form. Elzochka was already 60 years old, she was wearing a worn-out dressing gown that was greasy on her belly, she stank of Valocordin and cabbage soup, her breasts rested on her belly, and on her head Elzochka, who by that time already weighed 90 kg, had a bunch of unkempt gray-gray hair. hair through which pinkish skin showed through.

This Elzochka was guilty before the Universe by mentally wishing for death and illness - to every creature on which her gaze fell.

For a friend of mine, it was enough to burn two dolls for the aggressors to leave her alone for a long time. By the way, when she mentally burned her second Elsa, the window began to naturally smell like something burned, from food...

***
At the very beginning, I said that external evil always looks for the internal evil that is present in us - and connects with it with the sound “Bam!” and that this is the only way we become victims of “unpleasant situations.”

From here a logical question may arise: “What if I have no sins, then, probably, people and circumstances with their evil will completely stop clinging to me?”

Unfortunately no. Life on earth in a human body is not a resort.

We will always have sins. It's like cleaning an apartment. You can (and should!) bring relative order to it, remove sausage skins and bread crumbs from the carpet, but you cannot turn your home into a sterile box, remove all germs, all dust and all microorganisms from the apartment...

Elders of prayer, hermits and saints, who retired into the desert from the bustle of the world, suffered greatly from the Evil that clung to them, which no longer hid from them - neither its true inhuman form, nor its goals and objectives...

Because the elders also had sins... For example, pride. The fewer other sins, the more pride grows, taking on the most intricate forms. So - to each his own...

We are not elders ready for serious spiritual warfare, and therefore the evil that we will fight against is right on our feet, on our shoulders.

It is quite possible to master it with the psychological technique that I just described.

Well, we don’t need more. Our task is modest: to extinguish insidious “lighter” bombs, keeping vigil on the roof of our house - extinguishing them with laughter, with tongs, in a large vat of cold water. Although I like the condom metaphor much better...

Create a stuffed doll that the aggressors will beat - in advance. To be fully prepared if it ever occurs to someone to yell at us again.

It's hard not to take it personally when people tell you, "You're a pain in the ass." How to understand this? Verbatim? Because of us, who really has a painful splinter in this very place? No, they are trying to insult us. Unfortunately, at school they don’t teach how to react to this correctly. Perhaps the teacher advised us not to pay attention when they called us names. So, was it good advice? Horrible!

It's one thing to ignore someone's rude or unfair remark. It is quite another to be a wimp, allowing ourselves to be insulted and ignoring attempts to belittle our value as individuals.

On the other hand, we can not attribute these words to our own account if we consider that those who utter them simply want to get their own way. They want to intimidate us and try to demonstrate their dominance with their aggressive tone and provocative language. They want us to comply.

Instead, we can choose to acknowledge their feelings, but not the content of their words. For example, say: “Terrible, isn’t it!” or “I don’t blame you for being angry.” So we disagree with their “facts”. We simply let you know that we heard their words.

We can say, “This is your point of view. I never thought about it that way,” acknowledging that the person expressed his opinion.

How to respond to an insult

1. Agree:“It seems like you and I are having a hard time getting along.” We do not agree with their statements, but only with the fact that they experience certain emotions. Emotions, like opinions, are by definition subjective and not always based on facts.

Or acknowledge their dissatisfaction: “It’s so unpleasant when this happens, isn’t it?” We do not have to explain at length and in detail why their criticism and accusations are unfair in an attempt to gain their forgiveness. We are not obliged to justify ourselves in the face of false accusations; they are not judges, and we are not the accused. This is not a crime, and we do not have to prove our innocence.

2. Say: “I see that you are angry.” This is not an admission of guilt. We only draw conclusions by observing our opponent's words, tone of voice, and body language. We demonstrate understanding.

3. Tell the truth:“It annoys me when you yell at me simply for expressing how I feel.”

4. Recognize the right to be angry:“I understand that it makes you angry when this happens. I don't blame you. I would be angry too if this happened to me.” In this way, we recognize the right of another person to experience emotions, despite the fact that he chose not the best means of expressing them.

Some more possible responses to intense expressions of emotion

I never thought about it in this way.

Perhaps you are right about something.

I don't know how you stand it.

You clearly have problems. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, it's terrible.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I'm sure you'll come up with something.

It is important to monitor our tone so that our words do not seem sarcastic, derogatory or provocative to the interlocutor. Have you ever gotten lost while traveling by car? You don't know where you are or what to do. Stop and ask for directions? Turn around? Should I go further? You are at a loss, you are worried and you don’t know exactly where to go. Use the same tone in this conversation - perplexed. You do not understand what is happening and why your interlocutor is throwing false accusations. Speak slowly, in a soft tone, but at the same time clearly and to the point.

What to do when they shout at you? The first uncontrollable reaction is to scream back. Most likely, you know what will follow if your opponent is comparable to you in strength and age. The situation will worsen and the conflict will continue. And it’s not surprising: the interlocutor is heated with emotions, and a response cry will only add fuel to the fire. It also happens that your opponent does not raise his voice, but you understand that you are being reproached, criticized, perhaps they believe that you are the cause of the problem and thereby displease the other. It is hardly worth describing the feelings that rise within you in response to such behavior. They are familiar to everyone - irritation, resentment, anger, helplessness and even anger and rage. The advantage of this development of events can be considered the release of accumulated internal tension. But the main trouble is that the problem is not being solved.

What if we try another option? After all, by shouting, most likely, a person expresses resentment because he was not heard, irritation because he was misunderstood, anger because his words or actions were interpreted in his own way, helplessness because they do not notice his condition or experiences. Let's say someone is shouting at you, and you don't understand why. A person will still not be able to decide anything in such a state, so give him the opportunity to defuse hostility and move on to solving the situation. Set yourself a goal - to let your opponent know that you hear him and understand what he wants to convey to you. To do this, you will have to abstract yourself from the situation and not take all the offensive and loud words personally. Remember, you never know what we ourselves are capable of saying in our hearts?! So, a few rules.

Of course, one could argue that it is very difficult to remain calm when they shout at you. This is true, but it's worth a try. Believe me, the result deserves it!

When people communicate, conflict situations regularly arise. Some of them can be resolved peacefully, while others develop into a quarrel, accompanied by violent screaming and emotions. You can calm down the interlocutor who raised his voice at you only if you know how to control yourself. How to behave if you are shouted at?

There is no need to succumb to provocations. Naturally, the first desire that a person experiences at the beginning of a quarrel is to raise his voice in response. This is how you seem to demonstrate your strength and not allow yourself to be shouted at.

But this is not entirely true. This behavior is a loss to your interlocutor. He just wanted to piss you off, and you did just that.

You need to calm down and concentrate on the problem. In the first minutes of a quarrel, try to determine the reason for the shouting at you. and speak clearly and clearly, without swallowing your words. Even if you are worried, try not to show it.

Take a position so that you are at the same level as your interlocutor. It is much easier to shout while standing at a sitting person, due to the psychological characteristics of perception. Stand up if your opponent is standing.

What to do if you are being shouted at

If after 5-6 minutes the person has not calmed down, and his aggression is only gaining momentum, then you also need to raise your voice. But, at the same time, you must be aware that you are doing this solely in order to reassure your interlocutor.

First, start speaking very loudly, gradually reducing the pace and volume of your speech, and move on to normal communication. Most likely, your interlocutor will stop screaming after some time.

When this technique does not help, then as the volume of speech decreases, calming gestures should be used. Raise your hand so that your palm is at eye level and lower it slowly to your waist. This gesture can be repeated several times so that the opponent sees it.

How to behave when you are being shouted at - give your interlocutor a warning that you are not going to talk to him in a raised voice. Tell him that the conversation is being postponed and will not be continued until he calms down. When this cannot be done, then, like your interlocutor, there is no need to start shouting.