A teenager's tendency to lie to his parents makes him more likely to drink alcohol early. Without adequate information, adults are unable to prevent harmful practices. But excessive control in this situation is not a solution; it only aggravates the problem. A child’s openness and, as a result, a lower risk of acquiring an alcohol habit is the result of a good, trusting relationship with parents, confirmed the results of a joint study by scientists from New York University and the Higher School of Economics.
Vicious circle: mistrust - lies - alcohol
A teenager’s habit of lying to adults is associated with the risk of drinking alcoholic beverages. If a child systematically misleads his parents about what he does outside the home, then it is possible that he will acquire the habit of drinking. In this case, parents may be unable to change the situation, since the child has already mastered the skill of lying and learned to hide “undesirable” information from adults.
What does teenage “secrecy” mean?
The scientific literature describes several adolescent strategies for informing parents:
- full disclosure;
- partial disclosure;
- revealing only after a question has been asked;
- hiding information;
- lie.
Researchers divide these strategies into two large groups: strategies of information disclosure and strategies of secrets and concealment. The first group is associated with positive aspects of the parent-child relationship, such as trust and a sense of connectedness, and the second with negative perceptions of parental control. At the same time, both a low level of information disclosure and a high level of “secrecy,” according to scientific data, can “signal” the likelihood of antisocial behavior in a teenager.
A direct connection between teenage lies and early initiation into alcohol was shown by the results of a longitudinal study by American and Russian scientists. The study used an American sample - over 4 thousand schoolchildren aged 16-17 years, as well as their mothers. Respondents were guaranteed complete anonymity. The children recorded their answers themselves after listening to the questions on audio recordings. Scientists recorded sociodemographic parameters, the nature of parent-child relationships (the extent to which they contain openness, warmth and trust), as well as the practices of lying and hiding information, if any. A separate block of questions for teenagers was devoted to the topic of drinking alcoholic beverages. Those teenagers who admitted to lying to adults were more likely to have a drinking habit or be at risk of becoming addicted to alcohol in the future than those who were honest with their parents.
Adolescent propensity to lie reduced, on average, 16% of parents' awareness of what was happening in their children's lives. This awareness, in turn, reduced the likelihood of drinking alcohol among high school students by 16%. In addition, lying additionally increased future propensity to drink alcohol by an additional 5%, regardless of parental knowledge.
Research shows that parental drinking practices have a significant impact on the development of alcohol habits in adolescents. The social, educational and financial status of the family has different effects on alcoholism among young people. Thus, in many European countries, less educated segments of the population, for example, those without higher education, are more prone to problematic alcoholism, and therefore to passing on this practice to children. In this study, educational level and family income did not have a significant effect on adolescent drinking tendencies.
The Reverse Effect of Overcontrol
This is the first work to examine the nature of the relationship between teenage lies and drinking habits. Previous studies have paid more attention to the role of parental control in the prevention of childhood alcoholism. The results also confirmed that both the adolescent tendency to lie to adults and the risk of drinking alcohol are lower if there are warm and trusting parent-child relationships in the family.
Teens tell more to parents they perceive as loving and supportive. A child's satisfaction with family relationships reduces both the likelihood of lying and the likelihood of developing a drinking habit.
If a teenager has friends who drink alcohol, this also increases the likelihood of lying to parents. However, this effect is more typical for boys.
But parental supercontrol is ineffective in preventing bad habits in adolescent children, and, moreover, may have the opposite effect. Young people tend to lie to overly controlling parents. Adolescence is the age at which in our societies a child has to actively develop autonomy skills, notes Viktor Kaplun. In the absence of a trusting relationship between parents and adolescent, lying can be a way to gain autonomy from adults. And, in fact, drinking alcohol can also express a desire for autonomy and “adulthood.”
Scientists indicate that the study results may be useful for preventing alcohol consumption among young people.
It is difficult to identify suicidal tendencies in adolescents, but it is possible. However, few parents know how to behave in this situation so as not to aggravate it. Psychologist Anna Khnykina gave some advice, following which you can help your own child if he finds himself on the verge of life and death.
1. When parents suspect that their child has become involved with some shady company, spends a lot of time in suicide groups, or has a strong interest in death, it is important to offer him an alternative to all of this. Teenagers often do not take death seriously enough and romanticize it. They don't think that this is the end of the story. It is important to convey that real death is not a transition. The general meaning of your messages should be this: while you live, you have the opportunity to choose, maybe this way, maybe differently. But throughout your life you have and will have many opportunities, no matter what happens. When death comes, you will no longer be able to choose, this is the point beyond which nothing else will happen.More often than not, children hide thoughts about death and are not ready to discuss them with their parents, but sometimes they can still broach the topic. It is important to encourage these conversations, not stop them.
There is no need to criticize a child, even if he says some very strange things, for example, that death is beautiful, it is liberation. First, let him speak without judging him. Only then does it make sense to calmly present your arguments in favor of the fact that life has more colors and opportunities than death. Even if something doesn’t suit you now, as long as you are alive, you have the power to change everything.
2. Talk to your child about what exactly he wants. When you are approached with any question, maintain the topic, watch, listen, even if it seems to you that all this is some kind of nonsense. Just don’t imitate the process, but be in it.
In a situation where a child does not take the initiative to communicate, you yourself have the opportunity to invite him to dialogue. Once again, kindly and attentively, with kindness and not with irritation, you can ask how he slept, how he was doing at school, etc. But do it carefully and unobtrusively, with care, as if you were waking up a sleeping person. You can ask some questions about the social networks your son or daughter is on, but again in such a tone that you want to answer. If the teenager does not answer, there is no need to storm the “fortress.”3. Provide attention and support. You need to talk to your child in an anti-depressive manner, conveying to him that all situations and issues in life can be solved one way or another. You are nearby, which means he can do anything, he has enough internal strength to achieve what he wants. Yes, there are different situations in life, but still there is more good than bad in it. Giving up is the last thing. Only such speeches should not resemble agitation, a call from the rostrum, act very softly, in a friendly way. Try to express recognition of his opinion and support.
You can always give an example from your past life or from the life of a child of how he coped with some difficult situation. In this way you remind him that he himself already has his own experience of overcoming. What seems terrible and unbearable today will look completely different in a year or two, and he has probably already encountered something similar.
4. Since in this situation the main task of the parents is to help the child fall in love with life, there is no need to create unbearable living conditions for him. Often, when adults see how their children begin to reject life, they fall into hysterics and throw out phrases: “You are ungrateful, we have given you so much.” Forget it. You must broadcast only one thing: life is good and beautiful, and you need to fight for it to the last. Don't raise your voice, don't reproach. The teenager is in a peculiar state, similar, in essence, to the vulnerability of a sick person. Therefore, you need to communicate with them very carefully. When old people get sick, we try not to say too much, so as not to upset them, not to provoke another surge in blood pressure, etc. It’s about the same here. If we throw tantrums, he will run even faster to his pseudo-friends.5. Some experts believe that the manifestation of suicidal tendencies is a reason for spying on one’s own child. And some parents welcome this tactic. But at the same time, such things undermine trust, and this is the last thread that exists between you and your child. If you begin to sharply and harshly prohibit everything that a teenager lives and is interested in (gadgets, friends, walks, social networks, etc.), you will very quickly become enemy number one and force the teenager to lie to you, looking you in the face. It is very important to respect your child, then his life will become safer, there will be more trust in the world, and there will be no reason to leave it.
6. Eating together is a very symbolic point. Eating dinners, breakfasts and lunches together is a great bonding experience; it is an ancient ritual that people have always used to build and strengthen trust in each other, express respect and create close bonds. Unfortunately, in the modern world we are gradually losing the tradition of eating together and underestimating it. But in vain, this is a sign that we live this life together, we have common processes, common values: “we eat the same thing.”7. Find a psychologist your child will want to see. A good specialist is a person who can properly talk about death, parents, and friends. There is a good film on this topic, “Good Will Hunting,” where the main character, a gifted teenager, finally finds a good psychotherapist after five specialists rejected him, and this radically changes his whole life.
Ecology of life. Children: The period of adaptation of a child to a new team is an exam for the whole family. This is a test of the correctness and effectiveness of the chosen education model...
Many parents, when moving to a new place of residence or sending their child to school, worry whether other people’s children will have a bad influence on him. After all, in order to become part of the group, he needs to adapt to the rules and norms of the existence of this small community.
In adolescence, the opinion of peers becomes very important, competing with the authoritative parent or even relegating it to the background.
By seeking the approval of friends, a child can allow himself to disobey loved ones, and in some cases, even be insolent. So he tries himself in the role of independent and independent. These experiments with freedom are dangerous because a teenager may succumb to persuasion to do something that he previously consciously condemned: smoke a cigarette, drink an alcoholic drink, try drugs, commit theft, robbery.
Such a disaster is not inevitable. If by this time the child has formed sufficiently strong beliefs about “what is good and what is bad,” he will find ways to resist even very strong peer pressure, will be able to keep his distance and stay away from those who are trying to drag him into serious trouble.
Those children who felt like outcasts in their previous company and even in their parents’ home are at risk.
If a child is punished with physical violence, insult, humiliation, his opinion is not taken into account, and he is not given the opportunity to make his own decisions, he feels like a third-class person. He gets used to being led. Therefore, he is easily susceptible to both good and bad influences. In a street company he is destined for the role of “six”; he is manipulated by the ringleaders in their own interests. But here they don’t criticize, they accept him for who he is.
Parents are not able to control every step of their growing child. This is impossible either physically or psychologically. There is only one way out - by the age of 10-11, you need to have time to form in him the concepts of right and wrong, cultivate the ability to set personal boundaries and maintain them. In this case, the teenager acquires the habit of developing his own opinion and trusting it, making important decisions on his own and not giving in to temptations. Becoming self-sufficient, he will not be afraid to oppose himself to the gop company, remaining on the sidelines.
If your child is ignored, it does not go away without a trace. He is worried because in adolescence, communication with peers is very important.
It is reasonable to combine the recommendations of a psychologist and illustrative examples from fiction, cinema and television films. And your own experience can be invaluable.The main thing is to avoid maxims like “I would if I were you...”.
A middle ground must be found between nonjudgmental parenting and authoritarian leadership. The authority of parents undoubtedly has its place. But, oppressive and categorical, it limits individual freedom, and based on mutual respect, mutual recognition of natural subordination, on the contrary, it forms the correct idea of freedom and self-restraint in case of danger.
Therefore, even if you know the correct answer to solving a problem, you should not rush into it. It's not worth the risk of being misunderstood about your concern. You need to carefully weigh the urgency of the moment and the responsibility for subsequent actions before the child hears your words.
The period of adaptation of a child to a new team is an exam for the whole family. This is a test for the correctness and effectiveness of the chosen model of education, the effectiveness of the scale of moral values accepted in your family. published
Olga Yurkovskaya specially for the magazine “Liza”5/2018
Teens are risk-takers, and so are you. Yesterday’s quiet people begin to rebel brightly and direct their freed energy not at all to study, as you yourself have already noticed. Yesterday's child wants to be daring, take risks, prove to his friends how cool he is, and then, alas, he is ready to drink and smoke. This is when parents begin to be terribly afraid that their son or daughter has fallen into bad company or will soon find her and cause trouble.
What should poor parents do? Get the belt? The method is completely stupid and threatens to completely break diplomatic relations. A teenager can be easily hurt. But there is a universal solution that not everyone knows about.
Mentoring and charity
Your teenager behaves defiantly primarily because it is time to urgently step out of the role of a child, subordinate and helpless. And then he is thrown to the other extreme, when he wants to take risks, not listen to anyone, and shock. There seems to be no end to this, and every day it gets worse. But I have good news for you - risk appetite can and should be redirected in a safe direction.
Does your son or daughter want to feel like an adult and test what they are capable of? Give this opportunity. Your task is to direct your desire to take risks for the benefit of the child and people. Understanding and accepting a teenager’s adulthood is great if parents are able to feel when and in what ways they should show respect and trust in their child, and give him a little more independence. As soon as you limit him in everything that you do not understand or are afraid of, you will get outright sabotage and a daring desire to break not only secondary, but also useful boundaries. If you ignore these calls several times, you risk long-term aggravating the already difficult transition from childhood to serious adulthood.
You can take risks by breaking the law, or you can take risks by performing incredibly difficult sports stunts or tasks to the limit of your capabilities. When we risk our reputation, such as the respect of important peers and adults who will witness success or failure, we also test ourselves. Let your teen have choice and understanding in which areas of life they can take risks and shine. When there is a lot of energy, it will still manifest itself in actions, just let them be good deeds. Otherwise, the makings of leadership in your child will demonstrate themselves in all their glory, but not at all where and not in the way you want. The leader of a criminal gang is also a leader, but obviously with bad values, destructive ethics and asocial moral standards. What parent dreams of his child inspiring a gang of his peers to heroic deeds? I think you don't want to, since you're reading this article.
Therefore, let's create conditions and direct the child's energies into the field of charity and mentoring. Both areas of activity allow you to check “what am I worth?”, “can I cope?”, “am I weak?” Let the teenager grow up, test what he is capable of in the adult world, doing good.
Orphanages are a temple for empathy
You can start with simple things - agree with an orphanage in the neighborhood or a children's club where the teenager will come to conduct classes with children. Does your child know how to play chess? Let him come teach the kids chess. Does your child know how to do something with his own hands? Great, he can teach a group of kids how to burn, plan or saw. Is he great at football? Here's an extra fun physical education lesson for little ones.
Often the state helps abandoned children only financially, but they lack communication and mentors. But even for adults it’s not easy to go to children that no one wants, but for a teenager this is a real risk and action. I know an orphanage where they brought laptops: a useful thing, but there was no one to come and teach the children how to use the technology. In such a situation, a son or daughter who cannot be torn away from the computer at home can act as real superheroes and turn the fates of orphanages around if they teach them to be more responsible in their studies, communicate, and watch movies via the Internet. A teenage mentor can take the initiative and start a VKontakte group on the Internet on any topic interesting to children, and become a moderator in it. This will not just come, teach, go, but a wonderful step to expand the circle of social contacts of such children.
Often social projects do not need money at all, but smart people, volunteers who are ready to help with deeds and knowledge. And your teenager can become one and receive his share of admiration.
Teen teacher is responsible
The teaching experience can also be a real challenge for a teenager. You can study with peers or younger people, and maybe even with older people, anywhere - at school, in clubs, in youth homes, even in the form of home education or studying on Skype. You can agree with the teachers so that your son or daughter becomes his assistant and teaches part of the classes. You just need to set a goal, ask your friends, approach the teacher. And definitely don’t be lazy. And this is the task of the parents - to find an hour or two and come up with a solution. And in this hour, rid yourself forever of headaches for the teenager and his future.
When a child starts teaching people or taking care of younger ones, you are killing several birds with one stone. The teenager begins to feel like a socially responsible person who brings goodness and benefit to the world, and becomes more mentally stable. He understands that he is useful, that he is already improving the world, that his work brings measurable results. So he arrived, the children did not know how to read English or did not understand Internet search engines - but he taught classes, explained - the children learned. Children not only receive some kind of educational knowledge, they also broaden their horizons, develop everyday skills, become more independent and confident, and are more responsible in their duties. By the way, the teenager himself will also learn to understand the subject or business being taught to him. Now this knowledge will be needed in double volume to demonstrate his experience and authority in front of the kids; this will not go unnoticed in his school.
The young teacher ultimately receives gratitude from his students and their parents.
The teenager develops teaching skills, which are necessary for any leader and useful in every company. Especially if the training takes place in the form of coaching, mentoring, in the format of the right questions: “And you think - how?”, “And you think - why?”, “How could it be improved?”, “What would you do if right?”, “But what consequences will this lead to?” The more skills and interests a teenager acquires, the more confident he becomes within his family, at school, and the more authority he has among his friends. It is important for a leader to have charisma, which can give him a lot for the formation of an integral personality.
And then an automatic skill will appear - to be a mentor for people who are under his authority, under his leadership. This is an inimitable skill that adults have been taught for years and at great expense. And you get this skill as a bonus to the ability to protect a teenager from bad company and bad behavior.
