How to get out of a neurotic relationship with a partner. “Don’t bend under a man!” — Mikhail Labkovsky on neurotic love

Those people who are familiar with the psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky have probably noticed how often the phrase “Neurotic relationships” is present in his speech. This is no coincidence, since according to the psychologist, almost all of us live in a state of neurosis and many of us are in neurotic relationships.

What is a “neurotic relationship”

Mikhail Labkovsky: “Neurotic relationships are relationships that do not bring joy and satisfaction, but which nevertheless continue...”

How often do we notice neurotic relationships in the families of our friends, girlfriends, and relatives? People swear, fight, hate each other, but stay together. Women endure an alcoholic husband or a tyrant husband for years, walk around with bruises and tears, but do not leave their husband.

This is a neurotic relationship.

Where do neurotic relationships come from?

Labkovsky traces the history of such relationships from childhood.

If children grew up in families where parents were also in a state of neurosis, then they absorbed this atmosphere, as they say, with their mother’s milk.

For example, a child sees scandals in the family and aggression from childhood. Growing up, this child subconsciously also chooses a similar type of relationship. Precisely SUBCONSCIOUS. If you ask such people how is it possible, why did you start such a relationship, they will answer that “it just happened that way.”

In fact, we all choose what is subconsciously familiar to us. The situation with an aggressive dad is familiar to the child; he has been and lived in it. He doesn't know any different. Even if this, something else, comes across him on the path of life, he will not be able to accept it, as he will be afraid of the unknown.

Labkovsky told how one day a married lady came to him for consultation with a traumatic brain injury received from her husband. She also said that her previous husband also raised his hand against her. “But this is already a real crime!” the psychologist exclaimed indignantly. To justify her husband, the woman began to tell how wonderful her husband is when he doesn’t drink. He will clean the house, feed the children, and is affectionate towards her. And when he drinks, it’s a disaster!

“What’s the matter?” - Labkovsky argues. “But the fact is that this woman grew up in the family of an alcoholic. She lived with this, this situation is familiar to her, she knows how to behave within it. I couldn’t help this woman,” ends Mikhail.

Another option. A woman begins dating a calm, positive man who gives her flowers and takes her to the theater. But to a woman it seems boring and uninteresting. But a relationship with an aorta rupture, with breaking dishes, an endless showdown - this will be considered love. Why is this so? Because from childhood she was accustomed to the fact that love is suffering and even torment, as was the case with mom and dad. This formula is precisely the formula of love for her.

How do people with and without neurosis differ?

This is the situation - a guy and a girl slept together, and he disappeared. A psychologically healthy girl will take this adequately - she will cry a little, calm down and continue her normal life. A girl with neurosis will react to the disappearance of a fan with drama and illusions. She will begin to come up with various excuses and good reasons for his disappearance, she will begin to suffer with pleasure, and for her this is obviously the beginning of great love.

If you ask girls if they had love, many will say that they did, and will remember their tears into the pillow, long sittings by the window or by the phone, showdowns and dramatic breakups. So, Mikhail Labkovsky claims that it was not love, but a neurotic relationship.

Why does this relationship continue?

Labkovsky refers us to Sigmund Freud, who at one time argued that even in the most unpleasant things people find pleasure, similar to masochism. Perhaps such people like the role of victim, sufferer, heroine, and so on.

Mikhail Labkovsky’s concept of love or healthy relationships comes down to the fact that in such relationships no one suppresses anyone, an equivalent energy exchange occurs. Love should never bring suffering, but only joy and satisfaction.

A psychologically healthy person, having found himself in a neurotic relationship, will ultimately choose himself, while a person with neurosis will choose an exhausting neurotic relationship.

Mikhail Labkovsky: way out of neurotic relationships

Start doing what you like and stop doing what you don't like.

In a neurotic relationship, your desires are very often suppressed or even absent. You only do what pleases your other half. You pretend that you really love football, for example. You eat sushi when you prefer Italian cuisine.

Labkovsky calls to stop this immediately! Bending under your partner will not do anything good. You won't be loved anymore for this. On the contrary, respect for you will decrease. How can you respect a person who concedes in everything?

Have the courage not to do something you don't like. State firmly that you don't like football, and calmly eat spaghetti instead of sushi.

Don't be afraid to express your tastes and preferences clearly and clearly. Perhaps at first this will cause confusion or indignation. Stand your ground! You are an individual, with your own desires and dislikes.

The mechanism of a healthy relationship between a man and a woman is built not only on the physical attractiveness of partners, but also on mutual respect and interest in you as an individual. Therefore, women's pathetic attempts to please a man, becoming a soft, pliable cat, looking into the eyes and catching any word of a partner, lead to your devaluation. After all, it becomes unclear to a man who he is dealing with. Who is this woman herself? What does she like, what does she hate, what are her views on this or that issue?

Talk directly about what you don't like

Labkovsky denies the important role of compromise. He argues that endless concessions and compromises do not lead to strengthening alliances, but to chronic neuroses and oncology.

He believes that it is much more useful and productive to immediately voice the problem. If you don’t like something in your partner’s behavior, you need to tell him about it directly and frankly. No matter how scary it may be to subject a relationship to such a tough test, it is nevertheless necessary to do it. Your partner may reject your claims, but most likely he will agree with them if he truly values ​​you.

Many girls live with their boyfriends in civil marriages and do not dare to say about their desire to get married officially. Labkovsky calls for this to be done immediately. So tell your chosen one: “I want to marry you. I need a normal family." Don't be afraid to give men a choice. A normal loving man will understand your desire and take you to the registry office.

And the wrong man will pretend that he didn’t hear anything and avoid answering. Then it’s up to you to decide whether to stay in such a relationship. Labkovsky believes that we need to move on and wave goodbye to our ex-boyfriend.

In this aspect, Labkovsky runs counter to many of his colleagues, as well as to the notorious “female wisdom.” They do not recommend the tactics of waiting and patience, but promote the tactics of honesty and straightforwardness. To women’s comments that this way you can lose that very only man, Labkovsky ruthlessly replies that it is your choice whether to continue a relationship with a person who does not love or respect you, and lives only for himself. This is an example of a neurotic relationship.

“Our women are very afraid to be alone. In Russia, there is an attitude towards mandatory existence in a couple. This has developed historically, since the Great Patriotic War, after which there were no men at all. None."

Setting up for marriage

The psychological pressure of society on women is very strong. After 25 years, every girl is constantly asked if she is married, and pitifully shakes her head when the answer is negative. By the age of thirty, those women who have not married already experience neurosis about the unsettled personal life.

The level of self-respect falls so low that a woman is ready for any man, just to fulfill her matrimonial duty. This gives rise to numerous neurotic relationships, unhealthy, but leading to marriage. At least that's what it seems to the participants.

Labkovsky says that there is no such thing as “bad luck” in relationships. There is no such thing as “bad men coming across.” He ruthlessly asserts that the problem is inside the woman, not outside. We need to deal with ourselves first.

We know that many people are in similar difficult relationships. But at the same time, judging by the fact that they continue to be in this relationship, they apparently receive some kind of masochistic pleasure there.

And this is not just a boy-girl relationship. This could be relationships between loved ones, relationships with parents or relatives, and even with work colleagues. In general, your relationship with the world is either healthy or unhealthy.

Those who are unhealthy are called neurotic.

How are they formed? The child loves mom and dad, or whoever he has. Not just loves, but, especially up to the age of three, loves uncritically, considers them a part of himself, and himself a part of his parents.

But, for example, the mother sent the child to the grandmother, and she herself went to work. Or dad drinks and they yell all the time. Or he has cold parents, and he feels unwanted, misunderstood, and so on.

In all such cases, he associates love very strictly with a certain suffering: fear, a feeling of loneliness, misunderstanding, and so on. When he grows up, he looks for relationships in which this love can manifest itself, and it can only manifest itself if he suffers.

Love is the experience of childhood emotions. And therefore, when a person is really touched by something, when some feelings arise, these feelings are absolutely similar to his childhood experiences.

In order for him to experience them, he needs two things: a person who will awaken these feelings in him, and a relationship with him in which he would begin to feel sorry for himself. Because a child, suffering and loving his parents, first of all feels sorry for himself.

He feels sorry that he is treated so unfairly, that he is not loved, that he is treated poorly, that his brother is loved more than him, that another child is valued more than him, that he is not accepted for who he is, that he is a poor student, and in general, he will grow up to be a complete freak, because he hunches his back and puts his elbows on the table, and holds the fork with the wrong hand. This all remains with him, unfortunately, for the rest of his life. So, neurotic relationships are it.

You met a young man. You started an affair, you even slept with him, after which he stopped calling altogether. For a healthy girl, this is the end of the relationship, she, of course, can cry after this, but she is no longer interested in it.

And for a neurotic this is the beginning of great love. Since her love lies in the fact that she should feel sorry for herself. This is funny for you, girl, but not for your neighbor: her dad forgot about her birthday, and she is now making up for it.

She cried a lot, and her mother said: “No, he’s just on a bender now, he’ll remember later, daughter.” But in fact, he was sober, he just had another family, and he forgot about everything else. So she will bother.

In fact, there are such married couples at the reception. But these people often live in conflict. Moreover, they live a long time, 20 years, 30 years. They are not satisfied with the way they live, but they do not change it.

How many women contact us about their drinking husbands? We have to upset them, tell them that their husbands are healthier - they just drink. And the fact that they send them to doctors, psychologists, treat them and save them, say that they will leave and slam the door - this is a much bigger problem. My husband is just drinking.

The biggest problem in neurotic relationships is that the person does not enjoy life. Not from children, not from spouses, not from life in general. This is the whole tragedy of neurotic relationships. Because a child who, as it seems to him, loves his parents unrequitedly, loves, already beginning to suffer.

What does a healthy relationship look like? A person loves someone who loves him. He’s not interested in anything else at all, end of story.

Who is to blame and what to do

If they are just such people - neurotic, aggressive, cold, insecure - what is the point of being offended, it is not their fault. Parents are who they are, and no matter how offensive it may be to you, they cannot offer a different childhood.

And then, a child could end up in a box without a mother at the age of one and a half months with some illness and come out completely neurotic. Mom has nothing to do with it again.

The child could be afraid of the dark. These are children's stories that are not related to parents at all, but related to illness, leaving a child alone, whatever.

Living beings are very fragile mentally. Our neuroses are not necessarily the consequences of our parents' actions. There are genetics, heredity and so on.

You have admitted that you are neurotic, that your parents are neurotic, that your relationships are neurotic. What to do?

First: try to do what you want. When you are faced with a choice of what to do, you have different motivations: this is right, this is what I promised, this is in good faith, this is logical, and this is what I like.

You should always choose the option you like, no matter what the consequences. This will bring pleasure to you and other people. But if you know that you have some pathological tendencies, then you need to go to the doctor.

Second: don't do what you don't want to do. This means that you cannot endure anything for the sake of anything: not for the sake of marriage, not for the sake of peace on earth, not for the sake of money.

Third rule: you should always say if you don’t like something, don’t keep anything to yourself. True, here it is worth mentioning that it is worth saying about yourself: “I don’t like it.” We must avoid the phrases: “You’re a goat” - this is an attack and “Why are you doing this to me?” - this is a complaint.

Neither one nor the other is suitable. Only literally “I don’t like it”, “it hurts me”, “it’s unpleasant for me”, “I don’t want it” is suitable.

Love and libido

But in the Middle Ages, the choice to marry for love first appeared. What has happened so far?

Of course, you are happy that you are marrying for love, even to a complete freak, you love him. Unfortunately, love, unlike rational choice, is an unstable sphere, and marriage is completely unsuited to such instability.

As we say today: I love him, I want to have a family with him. And then everything depends on the psyche. This is the question that interests you all: why some families live long, while others separate. It all depends on how stable your psyche is.

Some say the secret to their long marriage is compromise. Bullshit. Compromise is bad for your health. Compromise is doing something you don't want to do.

And the real reason is this: when a person has a stable psyche, then he has a stable relationship. If he is internally stable, structured, his psyche is not like that of a neurotic, but absolutely healthy and mature, then he can live his whole life with a healthy person, he will not be bored, and the attraction will also be there all his life. And due to mental instability, today I love one person, and tomorrow another. That is, everything depends on the psyche of both in a couple.

In addition to love, we also have libido. This attraction is completely unconscious, in no way connected with the qualities of another person. Girls can relax about this.

Three things do not play a role when choosing a partner: age, appearance and character. Because all this has nothing to do with libido at all. Otherwise, someone bothers, makes breasts for themselves, but it’s all to no avail.

If you apply logic when choosing a partner, then you get a rational choice. But your emotional sphere is not involved. And such marriages, unfortunately, are flawed; no one loves anyone there.

But if a man is generally such that he does not need these feelings, then the woman will still look for how to fall in love on the side. That is, rational choice of a partner is not an option.

But changing libido, that is, changing attraction, is a very difficult task, but solvable. What are we talking about?

A person is constantly drawn to something bad. Women are attracted to some kind of scum, men are attracted to bitchy women. Everyone understands everything with their heads, but they still pull. Attraction occurs only to this type of people. Something can be done about this, but it is a very difficult process.

Questions for Mikhail Labkovsky

This means that you are afraid of relationships; you were apparently abandoned as a child. There is no need to fight this fear, you just need to be prepared for the fact that everything can end in different ways, including sadly. Wider shoulders, higher nose.

Deep down, I really like strong, status men. But I am very afraid of them and choose the weak and unworthy as partners. And I’m afraid to approach a strong man.

One thing you need to understand is that what matters in life is what a person does and feels, not what he thinks. It's a strange idea, but it's true. Your actions are what you really want.

And what you speculatively imagine has nothing to do with reality. What we choose is what we really need.

If neurotic relationships are a diagnosis, does that mean it needs to be treated?

No need. It doesn't work in the "I'm sick and I have to get better or I'll die" format. These are not diseases, but so-called behavioral problems.

Although neurosis, of course, does not lengthen life, I would not use the word “should”. You have to want to change it yourself. The correct question to ask is: “Can I get rid of this?” You can.

By the way, many oncologists believe that cancer is a consequence of repressed emotions. True, cardiologists will say that if you constantly yell, it will lead to a stroke, and it is not known which is worse.

When a person is anxious, his blood pressure begins to increase at the moment of anxiety, which increases pressure on the blood vessels, which become more fragile with age. Cardiological diseases are congenital only in a small percentage of patients, and all the rest receive their strokes only from neuroses, that is, from a mental problem.

Are neurotic relationships necessarily mutual, and is it possible to get rid of the neurotic nature of a relationship while remaining in it?

If both of the couple are neurotic, there are no options. A healthy person will not be in a relationship with a neurotic person. When I do therapy, one of the couple seems to be cured, his psychology changes.

And, as a rule, he becomes uninterested in neurotic relationships. If they are both cured, then the couple can maintain the relationship; if one is alone, he, as a rule, leaves it.

I really like to love those who live in another city or even country.

You join the sad ranks of lovers of married men. You have the same problem: loving what you don't have. You love speculatively, hypothetically.

There's a whole bunch of possible reasons here. This is a story about people who either did not have a father, or who may have had a father physically, but was not present in their lives. You can’t do anything about it, but you have to do it with yourself - change your psychology.

A healthy person wants a normal relationship, and no matter what anyone says, with normal love people want to live together. If things are different, it is a neurotic relationship. If you want to change the situation, you need to realize that this is not love, not a relationship, but how other TV shows are watched, and you call and text back, this is your entertainment.

I grew up in a loving family, then calmly fit into a loving family with my husband. How can I stop being afraid that I will be abandoned, and what should I do then?

This is infantilism. You need to grow up. If you have a difficult relationship with your mother, you call her not because you want to talk, but because “she is a mom,” then there is only one thing hidden behind this. The fact that mom will die before you do, and then you have to live with it.

And you, out of fear that you won’t be able to withstand this feeling of guilt, are ready to endure and call and nod your head, although you don’t love your mother. When you talk to her, you are afraid of her death. But your parents want you to talk to them not because they will die soon, but because you have a real need to talk to them. That is, so that you call them not because you are afraid of them, but because you feel a desire to talk to them.

But to do this they need to be outgrown. When we talk about “mama this, mom that” claims, you behave like a child who is full of grievances, full of complaints and really is not in the mood to talk to his mother. And after an unpleasant procedure, when you put your parents in their place a little, forcing them to communicate according to your own rules, after that you are already an adult, and your mother is an elderly woman. And not “I’m a five-year-old child, and this is a mother who bullied me as a child and now won’t let me go.”

When you outgrow your father and mother and become a real adult, you have a great relationship, soul to soul, call each other five times a day, and are not afraid of anyone, are not offended by anyone.

What should I do if my mood is spoiled at work and I bring it home?

If someone gets on your nerves, they are stronger than you. The only one you can accept this from is your child. Everything else should raise the question: “Am I that weak?”

When you are a strong person, when you are confident in yourself, it is very difficult to get angry. That is, no one will get on your nerves at work. That is, there will be some people who will try to shake you up emotionally, manipulate, provoke, but this will not affect you.

He makes me hysterical, and I'm smart and beautiful. How can I force myself to leave him?

People never give up what they like. I quit smoking when I told myself that I don't like smoking, but I'm addicted. So you have to tell yourself that this is not a relationship, not love, but this is the problem. As long as you think that you like it, you have such a difficult relationship, there is no point in quitting, because you like it.

The first and most important, although at the same time the most vague sign: next to this person you feel somehow wrong. Even if you find it difficult to give this feeling a clear definition, if you feel uncomfortable, this is an important symptom. You may feel this as anxiety, uncertainty, tension or wariness. Don't make the common mistake of trying to analyze this feeling and find its cause. I repeat, you are not a psychologist, not a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist, you are not this man’s attending physician. You should not look for the origins of the feelings that arise in you, and especially not blame yourself for experiencing them. Since you feel uncomfortable with this man, what difference does it really make, why exactly? There is no reason to continue a relationship with someone who does not bring positive emotions into your life.

But let’s still be a little more specific about what neurosis reveals in a man.

For example, many neurotics love to brag. This usually concerns money, career, social status. It may seem that the man is simply successful and trying to make a favorable impression. But a truly successful and accomplished man will not stick it out because, roughly speaking, he doesn’t itch there. There is a saying: “Whoever hurts, talks about it.” In this case it is a perfect illustration. If a man has a good career, business, high salary, he is confident in himself and his professionalism, at best he will mention his field of activity and position. He doesn't need to convince you (and himself) how cool he is. He already knows this.

This is exactly the same phenomenon that occurs with many writers: they write about what they lack. And clowns and comedians turn out to be the most depressive and sad people in real life. It is human nature to compensate, so listen to what the man tells you - he actually names his problem, his sore spot.

If he says that he is the life of the party, he has a lot of friends, all his free time is scheduled minute by minute - most likely, he is incredibly lonely, does not know how to build long-term relationships, does not know how to make friends. And, as if informing you in advance about his employment and demand, he drives you into a situation where you will feel that you are not interesting enough to him, if he has not called, that his friends are closer to him than you, so he does not spend the weekend with you. And you have nothing to do with it at all, these are his cockroaches and his neurosis.

Another example: a neurotic man is so unsure of himself as a man, in his masculine traits, that he surrounds himself with signs of status in order to please a woman. On the one hand, this is understandable, because given a choice, a woman is more likely to give preference to a wealthier, more successful, wealthy man. But a truly successful man will not put on a super expensive watch, a jacket with a recognizable pattern, or carry a wallet with a bright logo. Look at Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs followed the same strategy. Clothing should be comfortable, high quality and appropriate, everything else is tinsel for neurotics.

The second type of neurotic is a whiner. Everything is always bad for him, he will begin the story about the past day with the fact that the weather was terrible, the work was disgusting, the colleagues were disgusting, the boss was a tyrant. In general, the whole world is against him. He is naturally talented and has a subtle mental organization, no one understands him, no one loves him, he is very lonely. Here, don’t get caught and don’t turn on the “I’ll save him” mode. You won’t save it, you’ll only ruin your life. He can't be saved because he doesn't want to. He wants to drink all the juices from you, and when you break down, he will say that you, like other women, have terribly disappointed him, and will leave into the night. You will be raking up feelings of guilt and your own inadequacy. A variation of this type is the narcissist, who talks only about himself, who is the center of the Universe, and you are given the role of saying admiringly “Ah!” at the right time. This man was not praised as a child, and he makes up for it by putting you in the place of an imaginary mother to hear: “What a great job you are, son!”

The third common type of neurotic is the altruist. He is ready to help everyone, and at the same time - I want to emphasize this - he in every possible way promotes such a lack of silver. Like, money is decay, material wealth is low, consumer society is degradation, and he says all this with incredible enthusiasm. These are not at all beautiful impulses of the soul, this is not nobility, this is neurosis. A healthy, harmonious person values ​​himself and his time, his strength, and also knows how to value the time and strength of other people. It's okay to do work for money. It's okay to pay others to do the work. It’s normal to do charity work and help someone who can’t cope for free, but it’s not normal to raise it and carry it like a banner, like, look, I help for free, I’m generous, look at me and feel your insignificance. By the way, one more nuance: having received something for free, help or an item, people value it less than if they had purchased the item or service for money. This is how our material world works: the more you paid, the greater the effect the acquisition gave you.

The fourth type of neurotic is greedy. Women usually recognize him faster than others because he manifests himself more clearly. On a date, he can lament how prices in a restaurant have risen, when talking about work, complain about how low his salary is, and bring you a lonely rose in cellophane to a meeting. Run! And don’t fall into the trap of “how frugal he is, everything goes to the family, everything goes to the house.” No, not to the family or to the house, he will give you 100 rubles for lunch and be surprised that you didn’t make it. You will always beg, and he will reproach you for wastefulness. It is these men who buy apartments and register them in their mother’s name, have secret bank accounts that their wives don’t even know about, and count every penny all their lives. Moreover, it is not at all necessary that the greedy person is poor, this is not related to wealth, it is a neurosis.

The fifth type of neurotic men is aggressive males. And not in relation to a woman, but in relation to other people. People infuriate them, while driving they bully all the drivers around them, they are rude to waiters in restaurants, they try to hit them in the face for squashing their legs, in a word, they are constantly in a defensive position. Rest assured, you will eventually piss him off.

And finally, a list of not so obvious signs that should nevertheless alert you. This is the lack of one’s own position even in small things. You ask him where we will go, and he answers - where do you want. You ask whether it’s red or white, and he says, decide for yourself. He doesn't know how to make choices, he constantly shifts responsibility onto you. Such people are often betrayed by their speech. They never say “I believe”, “I am convinced”, “I will do this”. They say “I hope”, “I guess”, “I’ll try”. They often end sentences with a half-question, for example: “It’s terribly cold today, don’t you agree?” Or: “Let’s go to a cafe, I’m hungry, do you mind?” That is, they constantly need confirmation that they are doing everything right.

There are other signs of neuroses, but I want to emphasize the point made at the very beginning. If you and a man are uncomfortable on the first, second or third date. don't appoint a fourth. In the first meetings, a man shows himself at his best, and if you ALREADY find it unpleasant to be around him, nothing good will come of this relationship.

My method is to develop healthy reactions and life skills in a person with psychological problems using six rules that regulate his behavior.

These are the rules:
1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don’t like.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.

How does this work

Every person, even in childhood, develops stereotypical reactions to repeated stimuli. For example, if parents constantly conflict, talk in a raised voice, the child gets scared and withdraws into himself, and since this happens all the time, the child is constantly in fear and depressed. It grows, the behavior continues to be reinforced year after year. Thus, a flawed psychology of an adult is formed, which is characterized by lack of initiative, apathy, inability to take responsibility, to realize oneself, and most importantly, the inability to enjoy life. During this time, strong neural connections are created in the brain, the so-called reflex arc - nerve cells arranged in a certain way, which force them to react in a strictly defined, habitual way to any similar stimulus.

To help a person overcome fears, anxieties, uncertainty, low self-esteem, this arc must be broken. And create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this “without using a lobotomy”: with the help of ACTIONS that are unusual for a neurotic. When a person begins to act in a way that is not neurotic, and therefore uncharacteristic for himself, changes in his psyche occur at the biochemical level. Following new neural connections, new, previously unusual emotions arise in the brain: confidence, calm, a sense of stability. And, as a result, the psychology of a person with high self-esteem, who loves himself, and, most importantly, enjoys life, is gradually formed.

Therefore, we need to start acting, breaking our behavioral stereotypes. And when there are clear instructions on how to behave in each specific situation, change is real. Without thinking, without reflecting, without turning to your own (negative) experience. And in accordance with the rules of Mikhail Labkovsky.

January 25th, 2019 , 02:54 pm

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June 4th, 2018 , 11:28 am

May 30th, 2018 , 11:54 pm

Much has already been said about neurotic love, but the controversy surrounding it still will not subside. Some cannot understand why their relationship is constantly like a powder keg, others have already understood everything, but cannot find someone with whom the wars will finally stop.

I propose to finally deal with neurotic relationships and learn to turn them into healthy ones.

Is there any point in suffering?

Love with a big, bold minus sign is feelings for a person who will never be with you. Or to the person with whom you constantly argue. We can delve endlessly into the past and identify all the reasons why your personal life develops this way. Or we can start with practice and finally learn to live in love and harmony. To begin with, I must raise one fact: there are indeed statistically few men in Russia.

I remember sitting in the same restaurant with friends. There were five or six of us, all male. A group of women sat opposite us: they were beautiful, obviously successful, give or take our age. All evening they shot their eyes in our direction. And at some point, one of them came up to us and said: “We’re not asking you to get married tomorrow. But is it at least possible to come up and get to know each other?..”

For me, this is another illustration of the unpleasant circumstance that in our country there are really negligible representatives of the stronger half, compared to women. But at the same time, let me remind you, my dears, that some of you while away the years alone, while others get married and everything is fine. Look how our compatriots live in the realities of acute demographics.

Women are so afraid of being left out that they agree to everything: to those who do not suit them in bed, to those who are much lower in social status, to those who allow themselves to insult or even raise their hand. And this list can be continued indefinitely.

It would seem that everything is clear here: the reason for neurotic relationships in Russia is that there are simply not enough men for everyone. However, I remind you again: you probably have a friend who spent a long time and meticulously choosing her husband from an endless list of admirers. And having chosen, she stayed with him for many years. There are women whose personal lives are fine even in our country. And they are completely happy.

Why? Because they chose the path of health. They knew how to send away in time that fan who, on the first date, dared to be rude to the bartender in front of them. They waved to someone who just didn't want to get married. They completely fearlessly said goodbye to the one who was scattering socks around the apartment.

Because order in the house was a value for one particular woman, and she perfectly understood that this particular gentleman would not change and there was absolutely nothing to do with him. And these women did not necessarily “come from” a prosperous background: they could also have divorced parents and fathers who left for other families.

It’s just that such women once realized what exactly they wanted and decided to adjust their lives to their expectations. And guess what? They won.

To be a queen or to be happy?

Many people accuse me of advising women to immediately banish men who don’t satisfy them in small things. One day, when I was walking with my daughter, a guy came up to me and said that because of my book, his friends had been abandoned by their brides, and now they all wanted to clean up my face.

But I absolutely do not urge you to behave in this way: to pump up rights, set ultimatums and force men to dance to your tune. I suggest you something completely different: don’t give in. Erase dry statistics from your head: if you want to, you won’t get into them. And look only for someone with whom you are really happy.

Yes, for one woman the notorious socks are a big fat point, and she will not put up with it. And the other one will simply throw her socks next to the men’s. Just understand that your love life will consist of these socks, unanswered calls, pain, doubts, sometimes humiliation and rude words. But why do you need it? Once you choose yourself, you already become a more whole and healthy person.

The psychological axiom says: the prosperous choose the prosperous, the healthy choose the healthy. Only then do you really have a chance to meet that very prince on a horse who is right for you and with whom you will truly be happy. And yes, the first step to getting out of a neurotic relationship and never getting into one is to choose yourself.

Trust me, you won't regret it!