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On October 1, an unofficial referendum was held in Catalonia on the question of the independence of this autonomy from Spain and its transformation into a separate state.

On October 10, Catalan leader Carles Puigdemont signed a declaration of independence for Catalonia, while calling on the regional parliament to postpone the declaration of independence in order to establish dialogue with Madrid on the issue of secession from Spain.

According to him, as a result of the referendum held on October 1, the autonomy received a mandate from the people to become an independent state.

This is not the first time this province has tried to achieve independence. But what does it take to become an independent country? The BBC World Service program The Inquiry analyzed the experience of recent history.

• Madrid rejects Catalonia's declaration of independence
• Carles Puigdemont: the leader who wants to split Spain
• Many Catalans do not want independence from Spain. Why?

Four indicators

“You can’t be a real country unless you have your own beer and your own airline,” famous rock musician Frank Zappa once said.

But in fact, experts in the field of international law identify four main factors necessary for any state: the presence of people, territory, government and the ability to maintain relations with other countries on the basis of sovereignty.

The definition of a people causes a lot of controversy, but we can agree that a people is a permanent population that has an idea or belief in its own nationality.

James Irving, a lecturer in international law at the London School of Economics, believes that we are talking about the presence of a certain identity, common interests that are recognized by the majority.

Another indispensable condition is the presence of a certain territory, marked by borders, on which sovereignty is established.

• Will Catalonia be able to become an independent state?
• Catalonia's path to independence in five graphs

A stable and efficient government is another criterion for statehood, as is the ability to maintain relations with other states.

Thus, sovereign states have the right to enter into both bilateral relations, where, for example, two countries agree to establish diplomatic relations or cooperate in solving a common problem, and multilateral relations, for example, as a member of the EU or a party to international agreements to control climate.

At the heart of all this is the understanding that a sovereign state is not dependent on or subordinate to any other state.

So, how to achieve true statehood?

Confession

Individual countries may recognize each other, but all seek recognition of statehood by the UN.

Such recognition brings countless benefits - protection from international law, access to World Bank and IMF loans, border control and greater access to economic institutions and mechanisms. Plus, the possibility of concluding trade agreements in accordance with generally accepted WTO rules.

But can a country be unrecognized by the UN and at the same time lay claim to statehood?

"It's an old principle - if a bird walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck," says Rebecca Richards, lecturer in international relations at Keele University. "We recognize that such an entity is in every way like a state, it just lacks recognition." .

The history of Somaliland illustrates this point perfectly.

The former British protectorate in east Africa lasted four days as an independent state in 1960 before joining former Italian Somalia. It remained part of Somalia until the fall of Mohamed Barre's regime in 1991.

Somaliland then unilaterally declared independence.

• Somaliland is an unrecognized country
• History of separatism: why Catalonia separates itself from Spain

"There is a surprisingly strong government there," explains Rebecca Richards. "It has held a number of democratic elections. The country is peaceful and calm, its economy is growing rapidly. That is, it has almost everything that a state should have."

But at the same time, Somaliland remains unrecognized, which makes life there difficult.

"Most international aid comes through Somalia rather than directly. It's difficult to organize humanitarian aid without international recognition," Richards says.

Access to international markets is also difficult due to the lack of legal support.

Somaliland's currency is not recognized outside the entity's borders and therefore has no exchange value.

Legal barriers

The concept that underlies the idea of ​​a nation state is self-determination. The right to self-determination was enshrined in the UN Charter in June 1945. It was initially seen as a tool for decolonization.

“Many people then thought that such a right was a useful thing,” notes James Irving, “but even then there was no consensus on what it really meant.”

If the inhabitants of the colony demanded the creation of their own state, the principle of self-determination gave them such a right. About a third of the world's population have become citizens of new states since 1945. Then the UN included 45 states, and now the UN has 193 members.

But the principle of self-determination contained a hidden defect. Many experts in international law argued that after the colony gained independence, all attempts at separatism or changes in borders should be excluded.

However, the principle of self-determination contradicts this.

“How can we reconcile these two principles - the immutability of borders and the right of the people to determine their own future?” asks James Ker-Lindsay, a professor at the London School of Economics.

Autonomy

The practical solution to this dilemma was to grant autonomy to the population of the region, which seeks self-determination, but to deny the right to their own statehood.

This dilemma arose in all its severity in Kosovo.

When Yugoslavia collapsed in the early 1990s, the largest new country created was Serbia. Kosovo was an autonomous region within Serbia, where the Albanian population was the majority.

Granting independence to Kosovo would lead to changes in Serbia's borders and would violate the principle of territorial integrity.

• Kosovo accuses Serbia of planning annexation according to the “Crimean model”

“The first reaction of the international community was that Kosovo should have the right to internal self-determination,” says James Ker-Lindsay. “That is, that it is part of Serbia, but at the same time the province cannot claim the same right to declare independence that Other republics within the former Yugoslavia took advantage.

“Therefore, when the Kosovar Albanians realized that they could not achieve independence through peaceful means, they rebelled,” the scientist concludes.

This was followed by a conflict with Serbia, which only ended with NATO military intervention in 1999.

Kosovo then unilaterally declared independence in 2008.

Serbia declared this illegal and filed a claim with the UN International Court of Justice, which decides such issues of international law.

“The question that was posed in court was: is Kosovo’s declaration of independence a violation of international law?” continues Ker-Lindsay. “And the court actually said that international law does not prohibit the inhabitants of a territory from declaring independence.”

But the essence of the issue was not so much international law as the recognition of Kosovo’s statehood.

"Kosovo has since been recognized by more than half the UN membership," says Dr. Richards. "But it is still not recognized as a sovereign state because the UN does not recognize it."

This in-between state means that Kosovo has received some of the rights that come with statehood, such as access to World Bank and IMF loans and membership of the International Olympic Committee.

Influential Allies

"It is almost impossible for a territory to gain independence and become a state in a situation where powerful states do not support such an aspiration," says Milena Sterio, a professor of international law at Cleveland University in the US.

What does it take to gain such support?

East Timor was a Portuguese colony until the 1960s, when it was captured by Indonesia. During the Cold War, Indonesia was an important ally of the United States, and therefore the East Timorese separatists did not receive American assistance.

It was only with the end of the Cold War in the early 1990s that the international community turned its attention to the situation in East Timor, as the West no longer needed Indonesia as an ally in the Cold War against communism.

"The Western powers, outraged by the human rights violations that were taking place in East Timor, changed their position and basically said - you, the people of East Timor, now have the right to self-determination," says Professor Sterio.

But the statehood process was marred by violence and required UN political intervention and the deployment of international peacekeeping forces.

The situation in Spain is very different from this.

According to generally accepted principles of international law, the people of Catalonia have the right to self-determination, but many jurists insist that this right is limited to self-determination within an autonomy rather than an independent state, due to Spain's right to territorial integrity.

So what will happen now to the results of the referendum in Catalonia?

“I foresee reaching an agreement in which Catalonia will remain part of Spain, but its degree of autonomy will increase,” says Professor Sterio.

• Catalonia and Kurdistan: how to create a new state?

“It is interesting that Spain is one of the Western democracies that has not recognized Kosovo as an independent country, because Spain fears setting a precedent in this area of ​​international law due to the threat that Catalonia poses to the territorial integrity of Spain.”

And although the situation for the Kurds is again very different from what is happening in Catalonia, they will ultimately face the same problem - a lack of support from the world's leading powers.

When work does not bring either the desired level of income or moral satisfaction and joy, a dark streak begins in life. It is quite possible to overcome it - but to do this you need to decide to turn away from the wrong path and begin to follow your destiny.

Almost every person sooner or later wondered why, despite all the efforts and diligence,... It takes a lot of time and effort, but instead of finances, only stress and debts accumulate. Over time, there is no energy left for anything other than work - life begins to go according to a predetermined plan, problems appear in the family due to lack of time and money, your talents remain undiscovered, and happiness seems completely unattainable. Often, even a change of job does not change the situation for the better - yes, for some time the illusion is created that life has changed for the better, but in the end everything begins to follow the already familiar scenario.

To better understand the depth of this problem, it is enough to imagine what will happen if you start using things that have a certain function for other purposes. There is a car, and its function is to help people move. There is a mobile phone, and its role is to help people connect with each other. But if you try to use one of these items in the role of the other, then both of them will turn out to be absolutely useless.

It’s the same with a person - if he does not follow his destiny, he will achieve little. There is no financial stability, no spiritual comfort, no joy in life. And where do they come from if a person spends most of his life in an unloved job, doing exhausting, routine things? Surely you have noticed that most rich and prosperous people are individuals who are truly dedicated to their work. This means that they were able to turn their calling into work.

You can do this too. The free one will help you change your life once and for all and never return to a low-paid, unloved job, debts and problems. You will be able to understand what your purpose is, find application for your unique talents and... Over time, both profit and self-confidence will only increase - as you know, like attracts like, so it is happy people who are most often accompanied by luck and favorable circumstances.

If you have already found your purpose and your favorite, but low-paid job, thanks to Alexander Andreev’s free training, you will be able to understand and make sure that your business brings you not only joy, but also a stable high income.

Thanks to Alexander Andreev’s free training, many people have already found their unique path and become truly happy. You can read their reviews.

It's never too late to start the path to happiness, and with the support of an experienced mentor, you can. May any of your endeavors be crowned with success. We wish you good luck and don't forget to press the buttons and

21.06.2017 08:10

Every person experiences financial problems from time to time, but sometimes they develop into a real black streak, to get out...

People are born with society, which means emotional dependence on our near and dear people becomes our second nature. In truth, even the very concept of family suggests that we are always together, no matter what happens. However, what then does emotional independence mean in a relationship? Let's find out!

How to become an emotionally independent person

People are born with society, which means emotional dependence on our near and dear people becomes our second nature. In truth, even the very concept of family suggests that we are always together, no matter what happens.

However What then does emotional independence mean in a relationship?? Let's find out!

What does emotional independence mean and why is it needed?

Don't let anyone become your everything, otherwise when that person leaves you will be left with nothing.

Emotional independence means that a person remains in peace of mind in any situation without outside support. You may argue that it’s nature’s nature to seek support, so why become independent at all?

Emotional independence should not be misunderstood. This does not mean cutting off all social relationships with the people around you, becoming a hermit, and keeping all your feelings under lock and key. Being independent means learning to get support yourself, using something called “self-support”, so that you are not completely dependent on someone else when you need support in dealing with your emotional distress.

In addition, situations in life often dictate their own conditions. But emotional independence means “play by your own rules”. It is we who must create such situations so that we know what awaits us ahead, regardless of external factors.

Weaknesses of emotional dependence

Let's look at some of the weaknesses that prevent us from being emotionally independent. By recognizing and correcting our weaknesses, we can be free from the dependence of external circumstances.

The older we get, the less dependent we become from parents or elders. Remember, at school, if a girl was bullied, she ran to complain to the teacher or parents. However, in high school, most likely, she no longer approached her parents and teacher, but tried to find support from her peers, classmates or friends. Having started a family, our significant other acts as consultants in resolving our emotional experiences.

But the fact remains: everyone needs a vest to cry on. We feel like we can't take full responsibility for our emotions. We inevitably rely on the support of other people to feel better.

Emotional guarding: being locked in locks that other people have the keys to.

Have you ever had the feeling that you are someone's litter? Do you have a friend or relative who can call or come at any time as soon as he shows the slightest sign of confusion in his feelings? And you have to persuade him, you let him know that you are together, you are with him.

As long as you show support and understanding, you are an outlet for him, which means that this person will always use you. Now, imagine that you will not be there when a person needs support, and when you return, such a person will be completely overwhelmed with feelings. He is completely emotionally dependent on you, and your short absence could lead to his downfall.

How much guilt will you feel towards him? What if that person were you? Such situations of extreme dependence on other people are not uncommon.

It is this kind of dependence that leads to the most tense relationships between people. Who wants to return home when a wife is waiting for her husband, wailing in tears? Who wants to meet with a forever whining friend? In the meantime, you will listen to someone’s problems and crushed feelings, who will treat yours?

Only by taking the key to your castle can you ensure the emotional security of your feelings.

False resolution of emotional conflicts

Nowadays, when we are away from family and even friends at work, we need to be emotionally independent. Stress at work or in relationships between colleagues is a frequent companion of a person. This is when false ways to cope with stress, such as excessive smoking, alcohol consumption, casual romantic relationships in and outside of work, and even drug use, come into play.

We all know these short-term, life-threatening ways to deal with stress. Everyone has their own methods of dealing with the disappointments of life.

However, you can deal with emotions on your own, without harm to yourself. Remember that we must find the key to solving problems, and not lock ourselves away from the world around us.

Emotional independence is the secret to healthy relationships and human happiness. Our tips will help you find emotional freedom.

Analyze stress factors

We often become victims of circumstances. And the thoughts “Why me?”, “Life is not fair”, “This is not fair” take us from reality to a state where we begin to perceive everything in a negative light. It is important to analyze the situation rather than worry about it. Worrying is never a way to solve problems. Look at the situation soberly.

Get to know yourself

In the crazy race of today's life and daily routine, we often forget to stop and look at ourselves from the outside, see your achievements, evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. Most often we see ourselves through the eyes of other people. This does not mean that other people's opinions are wrong, you just need to see yourself sometimes. Feel your own strength, and then you will have a powerful charge to combat stress. You can say: “Yes, I’ve had bad days, but that’s okay,” or “I can do everything on my own.” Try to cheer yourself up next time and then you won't need outside support.

Determine when you really need help

As we indicated earlier, it is normal to discuss the situation with other loved ones. However Don't completely rely on others to solve your problems. Find a balance between pouring your heart out and seeking advice. Sometimes we see another person has a similar problem and try to act the same way. Be inspired by the strength of other people, but don't sit on their necks. There are situations when outside support is really needed, but this does not mean that you should expect a complete and, most importantly, correct decision from others.

Don't test your relationship's strength

Don't use the support of your loved ones to test the strength of your relationship. If you tell your significant other or friends every day, “You don't love me like you once did,” or “So this is how you show you care about me,” you are setting terms, obligations, and expiration dates for your relationship. Don't be beholden to anyone in your emotional squabbles. Stop building relationships based on mutual poisoning of each other's feelings.

Improve yourself

Turn your life into a game. Only by practicing can you become an expert in your life. It's easier to have a positive outlook when you know your strengths and weaknesses. A hobby or any activity will help you take your mind off a difficult situation and then look at it with new eyes. A little optimism and a boost of vigor will help you cope with the situation. Control your emotions and reward yourself for your triumphs. Believe that nothing can break you. Over time, you will realize that you can handle any problem on your own, and you will be surprised how strong you have become at this! And situations that previously seemed like insoluble, huge problems will become simple, easily manageable matters.

Achieve emotional freedom

Once you learn to control the situation and be happy even in difficult times, you will begin to enjoy life. You will inspire other people, and other people will receive strength from you to solve their problems. You will be able to remain balanced in any situation. You will understand the meaning of the phrase “happiness is a state of mind”, you will gain real emotional freedom!

Happiness is not a frequent guest, but your daily companion

Emotional independence will free you from your negative emotions. You cannot achieve freedom right away, but every day you will get closer to it. Every small victory makes you stronger and more resilient. Your fortitude will inspire people and your relationships will blossom. And you will never have to wait for someone else to solve your situation again. You will find happiness. And then happiness will not be a guest coming into your house from time to time, but will become your friend and partner for life.

In the article “Love comes from strength, not from need,” I tried to answer the question: “Is there such a love that allows those who love to remain independent of each other?” As you remember, I concluded that such love exists, but only in the lives of mature and strong-willed people.

It’s good if two accomplished and mature individuals fall in love, who consciously build their relationship on trust, attention to each other and support, and know how to appreciate and maintain their spiritual independence. But what should those who suddenly realized that they are in a dependent relationship do, and now really want to go beyond the usual boundaries?

In this article, I would like to show from the position of a person who has been in this situation himself and fully experienced dependent relationships, and from the position of a specialist, that there is always a way out. Talk about what actions really allow you to change yourself, your life and build harmonious relationships with people.

Postulates of real relationships

To form a realistic idea of ​​​​love relationships, it is necessary to accept as basic facts some facts, without which the destruction of a sick addiction is impossible. First, we should take it for granted that every relationship naturally contains some elements of dependency. Secondly, that being infatuated with someone should not fill a person’s entire life. And thirdly, that love is possible if we are drawn to another person out of our strength, and not out of weakness. If we suddenly find ourselves in a relationship based on weakness, it is impossible to improve it without strengthening our own spirit. After all, the problem of addiction lies not in its object, but in our behavior towards it.

Based on these basic postulates, the very first advice for getting out of dependent relationships and building loving relationships may sound like this: we need to find other values ​​in our lives that we could still enjoy in life and that we could serve.

It’s easy to give advice, but it’s difficult to carry it out while still depending on someone.

To achieve this, you will have to work a lot on yourself: engage in self-development, change your habits. Only this will allow you to build increasingly healthy love relationships, and not replace one type of dependent relationship with another.

In order to give our development the right direction, it is necessary to correctly assess our current state, as well as have the right ideals to which we will strive. The false image of ideal romantic love, due to its unattainability, creates despair in us, making us predisposed to addiction. Realistic ideals allow you to love calmly and not panic, understanding that it is normal to feel dissatisfaction in your feelings from time to time and encounter certain difficulties.

Those who see in love a mysterious higher power that people cannot control are mistaken and give themselves over to the waves of their own passions, not wanting to take responsibility for their lives. In fact, love, like any human condition, is subject to the will of man. Love includes such qualities as respect and sensitivity, responsiveness and pity, loyalty and reliability, honesty and duty. And every lover should focus on cultivating and strengthening these qualities in himself in order to achieve a state of mind when his relationship with the object of his love becomes harmonious.

It is very important to accept your weakness, to accept yourself as we are at the moment we start moving. Objective self-esteem will free us from the heavy desire to deceive ourselves and others. You should not cross out your past life, be ashamed of it: Your searches and mistakes in the past could have had unpleasant consequences, but they turned into valuable experience, which in the context of your entire life becomes something greater than the sum of its parts.

From my practice, I have found that many addicted people acquired their addiction as a consequence of the fact that they dreamed of bringing something meaningful and beautiful into their lives, but were afraid to fight for their ideals, and therefore settled on their surrogate in the form of the object of their addiction. And if you have already fully experienced the pain of making a mistake, is it really worth wasting time so that new suffering will only confirm the obvious? You should leave your fears and doubts, objectively evaluate yourself and your strengths, choose in life what is really useful and necessary for you and fearlessly follow your true, real goals, and not preserve the illusion in yourself with the help of destructive passion!

The ideal of independence is the autonomous individual

Let's try to imagine the ideal image of an independent person. I think it’s not worth reminding that the description of this personality, like any other ideal, does not fully correspond to any real person, and we should not, seeing the difference between him and ourselves, feel inferior. However, it will be useful for us to have a model to which we can strive.

I would call the most significant sign of personality maturity the ability to cope with the conflict between our desire for a spiritual connection with another person and the desire to preserve our individuality, not to dissolve in this connection and not destroy the world of another person with our ego.

Possessing, firstly, his own individuality, and, secondly, having the ability to preserve it and the individuality of other people in relationships with them, a person acquires a state of mind that allows him not to look for the fullness of his life in the lives of other people, because he is already inside it and is constantly supported by constructive relationships with the outside world. Such a harmonious, independent person does not dissolve in others and does not want to dissolve the whole world in himself, in his desires and passions. In relationships with other people, he comes from a stable feeling that there is something in him that does not disappear, even if it fails.

When a man has more than one person to satisfy and animate him, more than one value to care about, he acquires the resilience that will enable him to bear the loss of one of the objects of his attention.

The test of the degree of independence in our lives is the ability to enjoy solitude. A person whose relationships with other people are harmonious knows how to appreciate his own company and enjoys being in it from time to time. Harmonious relationships with oneself are both a consequence and the basis of harmonious relationships with other people and are necessary for psychological and spiritual health.

The characteristics of an independent person include that person's attitude towards his environment. In the specialized literature, two types of personality are often distinguished: “directed from within” and “directed by others.” Internally-directed people set their course by following internal guidance, while "other-directed" people rely on external impulses given to them by other people. But there is another type of personality - an “autonomous” personality, capable of harmonizing its internal desires with external impulses. It is capable of perceiving external impulses and changing under their influence, but at the same time it has a filter that filters out unnecessary, harmful impulses and analyzes all the others.

An autonomous person is able to perceive information from the outside in any direction, but does not become dependent on the opinions of other people and constrained by social attitudes. People with this type are not afraid to make decisions dictated by their individuality and benefit from interacting with other people rather than dreading it. Such people are confident in their worth and welcome feedback from the outside world associated with their actions, even when it is critical, rather than crowding it out of consciousness and blocking it, as individuals “guided from within” do. “Autonomists” see information coming from outside not as attempts by other people to lower their self-esteem or manipulate them, but as useful data that helps them become better. For example, after being rejected by a lover, an autonomous person will seriously consider his criticisms of himself in order to gain new knowledge about how to improve his ability to form loving relationships in the future.

We can more often observe “autonomous” behavior among professionals in any field during work. People who perform their professional duties masterfully demonstrate both creative spontaneity and depth of design at the same time every day. It is often said about such people that they do their work “with soul.” From the outside it may seem that their work is carried out completely randomly, that they invent and implement new necessary solutions on the fly, but in reality they are constantly guided by the accumulated store of knowledge and experience, which does not allow them to make mistakes, and at the same time greedily absorb and carefully analyze information, which is accessible to them from the outside. And anyone who has succeeded in the profession of a sales consultant, HR manager or marketing director already half knows the most effective way to build relationships with the outside world. The main secret to success is to extend your skills and principles of interacting with people from your professional role to all other roles - to the role of lover, husband, father, mother, sister, etc.

Such an image of an independent personality, of course, like any other classification of people, is abstract. In life, every person is both a “leader” and a “follower”; he is obliged to follow the will of other people and is obliged to develop his own will, directed outward. But still, the description of the personality types listed above, as well as other useful knowledge from the field of psychology, allows us to take a fresh look at ourselves and the people around us and at possible ways of our own growth.

How do we know if we are addicted?

It is not easy to identify one's position between two extremes - extreme dependence and complete autonomy. It is always easier to humiliate yourself in front of all people, or, conversely, to exalt yourself, than to objectively evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, you should not rush to rejoice at the apparent harmony of your relationship with a person or, on the contrary, be afraid that your feelings for another person may harm you due to a decrease in your spiritual freedom.

Criteria for assessing the degree of a person’s dependence on some other person or phenomenon can be presented as answers to a number of questions:

· Does your relationship with this person or phenomenon improve your body, mind, and your ability to communicate with other people (relatives, work colleagues, acquaintances)?

· Does your hobby make you more interesting or useful to other people?

· Does it raise your level of aesthetic or spiritual existence?

· Does your relationship with this phenomenon or person bring you joy and fun?

· If you don’t have enough time for all your hobbies and habits, which of them are you willing to sacrifice temporarily or permanently for the sake of this hobby?

Obviously, if you answer “no” to all questions except the last one, and “everyone” to the last question, then, obviously, your relationship is acquiring or has acquired the features of dependence, which you need to fight.

By setting realistic goals and expectations, anyone can develop personal power that will allow them to find harmony in their relationships with the world. Once we have a firm grasp of this power, we will see dependent relationships for what they are - unattractive, unhelpful, and generally inappropriate in our lives.

Personal growth - the first steps out of addiction

Growing out of addictive behavior takes time, effort, and faith. In behavior therapy, personal development is viewed as process of increasing self-awareness in ways that directly lead to changes in behavior. That is, there it is necessary to realize and manage the What we think about something How we react to this How it fits into our emotional world. Therapy can help you think clearly about yourself, understand your goals, clarify alternatives, and it can provide incentive to take action.

It's important to realize that the ultimate responsibility for everything in our lives lies with ourselves. The only alternative to dependence, and this is indeed its opposite, is active personal participation in one's own destiny and appropriate, creative participation in the lives of other people.

What advice would be helpful to someone who is trying to grow out of addiction and live their own life?

First of all, a person must understand that he is dependent, examine why and under what conditions he turns to the dependent object. Then, when these conditions arise, try to interrupt your desire for the object of dependence by any available means for the sake of some other useful activity.

If a person can cope with his passion and begins to conquer it, then he will become able to spend more and more time without the dependent object. What will he do during this time? The distance from the object will force him to develop new interests and skills, provided that he concentrates the freed energy in this direction.

You can start by learning the ability to enjoy solitude, since the joy of solitude is one of the manifestations of a person’s independence from other people. An independent person is good with people, and good alone. To do this, it is important to learn to spend time in our own company constructively, not anxiously, and to look at it not as a sacrifice, but as a choice we have made. Activities can be very diverse: thinking, creativity, doing things useful for other people, studying, reading books, sports. Through solitude, we can discover what we really prefer and what our natural pace of life is, not adjusted to the object of our addiction. In the process of such self-examination, our “I” will begin to acquire those native features that are truly characteristic of it and which were forcibly, painfully suppressed during the period of addiction. Of course, not all solitary activities are equally worthy of attention as avenues for growth. Some people spend their time drinking or playing solitaire, and such activities can be much more harmful than the addiction itself, so usefulness should be the most important criterion when choosing a hobby to overcome addiction. If you begin to overcome your addiction to computer games with the help of recreational drugs, and your addiction to your departed wife with the help of prostitutes, then soon your spiritual state will worsen, and, most likely, you will retain your previous addiction and will subconsciously yearn for it as a lesser evil.

If you don't have any specific hobbies yet, you can start with something that intrigues you and that you would like to get to know better. It's amazing how enjoyable the first step of this kind can be... Don't stop if some useful hobby or hobby seems inaccessible to you for some reason. Practice shows that if your interest in something is sincere and dictated by love, then you will be able to achieve what you want.

For some people, a critical issue in addiction is learning how to communicate with other people. A person is sure that he will not be interesting or needed by anyone except the company of the object of his addiction, and therefore he is afraid of losing her. In such a situation, communication with other people must begin with the area of ​​personal interests, experience, and profession, that is, with those topics where each person has confidence in their knowledge and their value. Communication on such topics will soon allow the addict to see that even outside of addiction he can be an attractive conversationalist and friend. Then similar contacts with other people outside of our dependence become natural.

When we know or do something well, we gain an image of ourselves as a person who is able to get in touch with our world. Elements of this new self-image, such as confidence, lack of anxiety, and connection, make us feel like we have a firm grip on the helm of our own lives. It is for this reason that finding a healthy hobby, work, or overcoming inertia for a healthy hobby is at the core of addiction recovery.

To finally overcome addiction, it takes more than a hobby or friendly relationships with people. Only through hard work, through acquiring sustainable skills to do something well that is important to ourselves and to others, can we acquire the competence and self-control that will form the backbone of our new independent life. Competence in a specific professional and creative field and a sense of competence in life in general are the best antidote to the indecisiveness and doubt that characterize addiction.

Here I want to talk a little about my own experience of recovering from a separation from my husband, on whom I was very dependent. My unexpected hobby during the period of spiritual recovery was running outside in the morning. I didn’t have money for the gym, but I really wanted to prove, at least in absentia, to my ex-husband, who left me for a younger woman, that I was also beautiful and slim. This is not the best and, as it seems to me now, a ridiculous desire, nevertheless, became my primary impulse to acquire a useful hobby. I started running and did it stubbornly every day, in any weather. Moreover, at first, due to the collapse of my family, I was tormented by insomnia and it was not difficult for me to get up early in the morning. At first, running and the pleasant physical fatigue that followed it distracted me from bitter thoughts, since while running I completely switched from them to my bodily sensations. But over time, after completing some running program that I had put together (I increased the running time, changed the pace and terrain), I sometimes began to experience an amazing joyful feeling, which I called “a feeling of self-rebirth.” Thanks to training, I began to feel my body in a new way, I began to have positive emotions about changes for the better in my appearance, and gradually all my thoughts turned more and more away from the tragedy I experienced in the other direction, towards a new happy life.

I was proud of myself for regaining my physical condition. By continuing to run, I have also left behind the physical pain and fatigue that I had at the beginning of my “running journey.” Instead, I felt a sense of fluidity, of being able to cover distances with ease, as if in flight. Having acquired proper form, I performed my sports exercises regularly in accordance also with a psychological motivation that was the opposite of that of addiction - the feeling of achievement and good health that came to me from my own efforts...

Of course, you don’t need to limit yourself to just one activity - running, visual arts, participation in a club. But the first sustainable, useful hobby is inevitable, if it is truly useful and you love it, it entails other positive changes.

So, due to jogging, my appetite returned (I was so severely depressed that I could hardly eat), I stopped smoking.

I came to the understanding that in the same way that I overcame my addiction, I could do almost everything I wanted in my life. It's a feeling of confidence that I learned enough from running to take with me into the rest of my life.

Growing pains

Growing out of addiction, we, like a growing teenage child, experience the difficulties of this growth. Following a new course in life is accompanied by periods of disappointment in one's progress, followed by the understanding that failures are inevitable. And only after gaining strength, a new sense of self appears, through which a person in some subtle way grows into a healthier and more responsible image of himself.

Awareness of the need for change after a long period of stagnation is a blow to our self-image, to our pride. For this very important reason, self-development should be a gradual process. It must be based on great respect for what we already are, and remain free from disgust or self-hatred.

During this period, the support of loved ones, family or friends is very important, as well as energetic support of oneself in order not to become a victim of the feeling of one’s complete insignificance due to failures that have already occurred in the past and failures in the process of transformation. In times of change, we find ourselves on a shaky bridge between two shores: a scorched desert behind us and a foggy oasis ahead of us. The bridge sways and creaks, moving along it is scary and difficult, but if we go back to those beliefs and values ​​that have already led us to collapse, we will lose our chance for new happiness. It may be helpful for some to think that “many, many people have similar problems”, that “we just want to improve what we have and become even better.”

In the beginning, when our inadequacy is more obvious than our inner strength, it is difficult to move towards the goal without a significant effort of will. As we become more determined in our intentions and actions, our doubts become absorbed in our efforts until we reach a point where those efforts are clearly rewarded. Up to this point, we are, to some extent, performing an act of faith - faith in the value of what we are trying to accomplish, and faith in ourselves.

During these difficult moments in life, it is very important for a person to receive support or even specific rewards for positive changes in his behavior, his habits and his character. Therapists and coaches in sports know this, and always strive to reward their clients for the results achieved. Such rewards have an immediate effect, breaking down the resistance of habits and beliefs associated with addiction. Therefore, if you are breaking your addiction, then do not deny yourself gifts (but not weaknesses!) when you see the visible effect of the changes being made. Buy yourself some nice thing or treat yourself to a meeting with friends or family whom you haven’t seen for a long time because you didn’t want to upset or embarrass them with your experiences and defeats. Such rewards serve as a foreshadowing of the real rewards of the future new life that you are creating.

Not all people with whom we deal regularly want to help us in our quest for self-improvement. It is known that people have a hard time experiencing uncontrollable changes in their acquaintances and friends. And some of those around us are even comfortable with our weaknesses, and therefore they do not want to see us different than we were before.

When our friends, lovers, or families become accustomed to seeing us in the light they know, they may not want us to achieve anything too important, perhaps because it might highlight their own weaknesses or shortcomings. Some of those around us may be closely related to the object of our addiction, such as the friends or family of our ex-lover. In all of these cases, other people can reinforce our weaknesses that are holding us back from change. If this circumstance exists, it may be necessary to distance ourselves from some of the people around us, at least partially. Growth almost always involves some relocation.

How to face doubts

Most people lack self-confidence and have low self-esteem. To ensure that doubts do not prevent us from acting is possible only by studying reality.

Getting down to business and doing it step by step, we must strengthen our will in advance with the full understanding that breakdowns and failures are almost inevitable.

A professional in his field does not evaluate each individual part of his work to decide whether he should continue it. He works without embarrassment because he does it with the attitude: “I try to do well what I can do well, and successful completion will follow after a while.”

In addition to our own work experience, receiving support in our actions from other people can also dispel our vague self-doubt. Once a person has gained confidence in himself and his ability to do what he sets out to do and meet the expectations of others, he will not be afraid to take on work. Knowing how to take responsibility for his own business without fear, he will also prefer to deal with people who are no less responsible. A sense of responsibility is the strongest foundation a professional and personal relationship can have.

The biggest doubt associated with overcoming addiction can be formulated as follows: as a result of self-development, can I learn to be happy alone, or will I be able to build a loving relationship with another person?

We just have to do what we can and live what we canwhat we get as a result of our actions, and do not try to achieve significant results in too short a period of time. The result is proportional to the effort. We must dive into the changes we are making and respect ourselves for moving forward.

Only mature people are able to be interested in managing the quality of their lives and the quality of their relationships with others. The ability to make positive changes through the rejection of dangerous illusions is evidence of the maturity of the individual, and the maturity of the soul is a necessary condition for establishing one’s place in our world.

Freedom and independence are natural needs for every person. We want to have self-esteem, in all respects. The people we meet along our life path elevate themselves at the expense of those around them. Because of this, a feeling of doom, dissatisfaction and depression appears. But how to gain independence in a relationship with a loved one or employer?

What is independence?

The concept of “independence” is multifaceted and versatile. It means complete freedom from prejudice, critical judgment and the ability to make decisions independently and take responsibility for them. Psychologists say that independence is manifested in assertive behavior, which consists of sound decision-making, one’s own opinion and complete independence from others.

It is impossible to be completely independent. In life there are always people who are more experienced, smarter or more cunning than us. As a result, humanity is divided into two categories: . Clearly, both models of behavior do not characterize a comprehensively developed personality. Some people show uncontrollable anger if something happens that goes against their opinion, while others do not even dare to speak about their judgment. To avoid such extremes, people need to strengthen their own core and develop moderate independence from environmental factors.

It is important not to confuse independence with avoiding problems and difficulties. Think about who is really independent: a millionaire or a man with an average income and a calm heart, or a family man, a boss or an intellectually developed subordinate. Independence has nothing to do with material wealth, position in society or superpowers. This is an internal quality, an attitude in the world, a mood and mindset, a character trait inherent in a strong person!

What kind of independence do we need?

It is impossible to experience complete freedom, but there are some types of independence that every person needs. These include:

Independence from internal experiences and problems.

If you have this quality, then when various kinds of difficulties arise, you will not fall into panic or depression. , anger, feelings and emotions will not be difficult for you if a sense of independence is an integral feature of your character. In this area, it is not your feelings that play a role, but your attitude towards them. If you are not dependent on them, then you will not face the feeling of depression and dejection.

Independence from other people.

It is important to avoid extremes in this area. You will inevitably depend on, on the employer, on friends and family. Independence is manifested in the fact that you will not get lost in these areas of life, that you will have your own opinion on any issue and making a decision has nothing to do with the attitude of the people around you. Can you stand out? Aren't you ashamed to express your point of view? Are you able to take responsibility for your actions? If you honestly answer these questions: “Yes!”, then you are one of the people who is independent of other people’s opinions.

Independence from current circumstances.

Some people place happiness and joy in direct dependence on circumstances. However, such thoughts and actions are wrong.

If you have had difficulties, losses and failures in your life, do not despair or lose heart in yourself. It is not the conditions in which we live that play a role, but our attitude towards them.

Independence from material possessions.

Money plays an important role in people's lives, but it is important to remain balanced and never put it first. It is difficult to call someone who is directly dependent on wealth a happy person. You will not get joy from such a chase: there will always be little money, since the needs increase with their quantity. Independence from money manifests itself like this: you know its value, you earn money, but even if you lack it, you do not fall into trouble.

How to gain emotional independence

Peace of mind, freedom from prejudice and happiness - all these concepts are closely related. If you want to gain emotional independence in your relationship with a loved one, with your employer, or in any other area, pay attention to the following tips:

There is no doubt that every person has advantages and disadvantages. However, for some, for others it is underestimated. What is the reason for this difference? The fact is that our self-esteem is influenced by past events. To accept yourself, you need to stop counting your mistakes. If you focus on them, success in life will be directly dependent on them.

If you are no longer so focused on the past, but you cannot accept yourself, the next step is. If you hold a grudge against someone and think that this will make the other person feel bad, you are mistaken. Only you suffer from this, because another person may not even think about the presence of such feelings in your heart. Although grievances are inevitable in relationships, it is not the number of them that matters, but the attitude towards them. The main thing is that they do not affect the formation of your personality.

To accept yourself and become independent, you should learn to spend more time with yourself. Due to rapidly changing life events, some people do not even know themselves as an individual. Think:

— What do you like and what annoys you?

— How do you like to spend your free time?

— What is valuable to you?

If it’s difficult to answer these questions right away, then you should spend more time alone to get to know yourself better.

Change your thinking