The desire to control another person can have various roots. For example, a mother controls a child for his own safety. But this is perhaps the only example of disinterested manipulation, when the goal is the benefit of another, and not for oneself. It's difficult to give another example. In the overwhelming majority, opinions are imposed against a person’s will and without positive consequences. So why is manipulation bad?

Hidden manipulations

Manipulation means fulfilling someone else's wishes against one's own will. This implies that the one who is being used understands everything perfectly and does it voluntarily. But this does not always happen. Many people, without realizing it, play with the feelings of others; those who are used also do not suspect that they are not fulfilling their will.

Hidden manipulations are often realized through a feeling of discomfort. If after talking with someone you feel uneasy, your conscience rises up, it means that there was an indirect influence. This often happens when communicating with parents, business partners, and close friends.

It would seem that there was nothing special in the harmless request: my mother asked me to visit her more often because she was lonely. It seems like a normal situation, but for some reason you are filled with an unpleasant feeling of guilt and shame. But if you think about it, you can understand that mom is trying to solve her problems with your hands. Whether to fulfill her request or not is up to you, the main thing is to understand what’s what and not act to the detriment of your own interests, no matter how selfish it may sound.

Managing other people's fears

People usually become victims of manipulation because of their fears.. Remember the Kid from Astrid Lindgren's work - Carlson knew very well that he was afraid to be left alone, so he turned him around as he pleased. And as soon as the boy wanted to do something against the will of his cunning friend, he immediately frightened him by saying that he would not play and would fly away.

As a rule, a manipulator, in order not to lose his leadership role, in in every possible way cultivates complexes in his “toy”, to make it easier to use. This is one of the most important dangers, especially when this type of relationship connects close people. And it’s good if the victim understands exactly how he is being controlled. Then he may have the strength to throw off the yoke. But if she doesn’t understand, other people live their lives for him.

Combating this phenomenon is difficult, but possible. Yes, p The best thing to do is not refuse directly, but simply ignore- in this case, the manipulator will either have to directly demand the fulfillment of the request (and this is already an order), or come to terms with the fact that he will not get what he wants in this way.

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“A smart wife is a cunning wife”, “a husband is the head, and a wife is the neck”, “a wise woman will make the man of her dreams out of anyone” - the list of such expressions of “folk wisdom” can be continued indefinitely. However, in reality, such advice not only does not help, but even interferes with building strong relationships. Why?

In our country, a game that is played on an ongoing basis is very, very common: women try to “unnoticed” control men, as if remaining obliging and submissive, that is, “ideal wives,” and men pretend not to notice this. In fact, this game is well known to both sides - it’s not for nothing that there are a huge number of jokes about women trying to manipulate men, according to which many mistakenly judge all female representatives.

In the heads of many of our compatriots, in general, there are very contradictory ideas about men as such: on the one hand, they are “leaders by nature” and “heads of the family,” but on the other, “just like children.” In this situation, women act as kind of indulgent mothers: they say, yes, yes, you are my smartest, I won’t argue with you, but I’ll decide everything myself nonetheless and do it the way I want. However, this approach presupposes complete disrespect for your partners and their thinking abilities, and it is mutual respect that is the key to a strong, happy relationship. Moreover, almost all the advice given to potential “wise wives” can be boiled down to the idea that men need to constantly show how much they are loved and respected. And all this advice assumes two things: a) these feelings need to be portrayed, but not necessarily experienced, and b) men will not notice such a replacement. And herein lies the main mistake: most people (both men and women) feel when they are taken for fools, and day after day they act out such performances in front of them.

This can provoke internal tension, even if it turns out to be unspoken, and from this, in turn, grow coldness in relationships, endless arguments over trifles, and even a break. In addition, women themselves find themselves in tension, forced to constantly play, try to make their partners feel or do something, but in such a way that they themselves understand everything. But they, such stupid people, for some reason do not always understand - and even step on the same rake a hundred times.

So what then? What to do if manipulation is a path to nowhere? The answer is simple: you need to learn to speak directly about your feelings and desires, explain why this is important and look for convincing arguments when you just want to put emotional pressure on a person. And although this process is not at all simple, the results are worth it. Firstly, such openness in a relationship is precisely the best proof of trust and sincere respect for a partner, and this in most cases only strengthens such feelings in the opposite direction, becoming the key to building a long-term successful union. And secondly, it significantly simplifies the process of achieving the desired result. You shouldn’t be afraid to say directly what doesn’t suit you - although delicacy, of course, has not been canceled, and it is important to remember that the goal is not to criticize a person as a whole, but some of his specific actions or words. If you keep it to yourself, the truth will still appear, but in a much worse form. But if you clearly explain to your partner why certain of his actions hurt you or why you think it is important to make this or that decision, he may agree and continue to try to take your opinion into account. This way, you won’t have to waste time (or will have to spend much less) trying to achieve a similar result later.

Why, if it's so simple, is manipulation still such a common way to get your way? Firstly, society is to blame for this, which ascribes to men and women certain roles and behavior patterns that supposedly must be adhered to, regardless of whether they are actually effective and justified. Many women learn the idea of the need for manipulation from their mothers and grandmothers, who, in turn, also did not know that it was possible to live differently. In addition, low self-esteem can push a woman to manipulation as a method of getting her way. Thus, in our society there is still a stereotypical view of women as second-class citizens, the so-called weaker sex. This results in many women not believing that their opinions, expressed openly, can be valued and their wishes respected. However, manipulation will definitely not help to cope with this situation and can only aggravate it.

In the minds of most of us, the word manipulation often evokes negative emotions.

Many may say: manipulation is identical to deception, lies, and the submission of deliberately false information.

But this concept is much broader. Let's try to figure it out: is this good or bad?

What is manipulation in communication?

There are different techniques for manipulating consciousness.

Here is an approximate classification:

manipulations in business (interactions between partners for the purpose of concluding a contract),
manipulation in a team
manipulations in the family (whether between spouses or relatives),
manipulations in education (“parents-child”),
manipulation in the media (imposing opinions through newspapers, television),
manipulations in public life (politics).

Everyone, at least once in their life, has manipulated in their interactions with people in order to obtain some kind of benefit, be it parents, lovers, work colleagues or friends. When communicating with people, a person adheres to his specific goal (not always selfish).

I will give you some examples and manipulation techniques.

Try to imagine yourself as a man (successfully?). You are sitting in a summer cafe with a girl whom you are courting and having a conversation with her about life and love. And then a pretty teenage girl (or an equally pretty grandmother) comes up to you with a bouquet of flowers and invites you to buy them. And this is what is called manipulation. Why? But because there is a hidden calculation here that you will be embarrassed to refuse to buy flowers for this girl in front of your interlocutor. In this case, this is an example of manipulation of a person’s need to look beautiful in the eyes of the object of affection.

Thus, the difference between manipulation and other methods of influence is that during manipulation, in addition to an obvious and open motive, there is a hidden motive, calculation, subtext.

An example of manipulation in trading.

In a store, a buyer chooses a product, hesitantly looking at cheaper and more expensive items. In general, the buyer is determined. And then a salesperson appears who “helps” you choose a product:

This model is better, but it may be a little expensive for you.

To what the Buyer:

That's what I'll take.

At the external level, the seller stated the true facts: the high quality of the item and the low financial capabilities of the buyer. The hidden meaning of this manipulation is the calculation of the buyer’s desire to at least look respectable in front of the seller (and therefore, to some extent, in front of himself). The buyer took an expensive item, pampering his vanity and (as it seems to him) rubbing the seller’s nose in the face.

Everywhere you look there is manipulation.

But, unfortunately, we are “programmed” in such a way that most often we remember only negative experiences, and we forget about positive ones!

By manipulating a person, we give something in return.

Surely people have ever approached you on the street with a “gift” from the company. Very cheerful, starting with the words “Hello! ", they solemnly announce that in honor of the 500th anniversary of their generous company, you will receive a beautiful set for free in this bag, along with the bag itself. And they hand it to you! A few more seconds of optimism and charm and you are already beginning to believe in this miracle.

But it turns out that in order for you to finally take ownership of all the rich contents of this bag, a mere trifle is needed. Pay for just one thing from this wealth.

Some measly (compared to the contents) a few hundred rubles. And here too there is manipulation!

Manipulation is more of a game system, it is a lifestyle.

A single game aimed at avoiding a predicament is one thing; and another thing is the life scenario, which regulates the entire system of interaction with the world.

A manipulator is a person who has a certain way of thinking, established worldviews, and established goals. There is nothing wrong with the ability and desire to manipulate others, provided:

that you are fully aware of the nature of the manipulation
You have formed a goal towards which you are going
You do not harm another person

If the manipulation is carried out consciously, with a clear understanding of its goals, then there is no harm in it, at least for the manipulator himself.

A very useful social skill, considering that the entire society is built on them and encourages them with might and main.

Let's return to the question that stood at the beginning of our article - is it good or bad.

We can safely say that the majority speak about manipulation with a minus sign. Because, in essence, to manipulate is to play on other people’s weaknesses and fears. Because manipulation is the shortest way to achieve results in interaction with people.

After all, it is much easier to play on the strings of someone else’s soul and complexes than to work on the relationships and scenarios of your own life. Because this means, first of all, working on yourself, your relationships, your actions and behavior patterns. And few people need this.

The manipulator, in essence, provides himself with a quick result at minimal cost, relieving himself of responsibility for what is happening. (And who would refuse this?) He happily finds an excuse for himself and his actions, says that the object of manipulation himself wanted it, and what he wanted was what he got.

A manipulator is essentially a “freeloader” who is not ready to work on relationships, his approaches, his attitudes and his lifestyle. He does what is convenient for him, maintaining his comfort zone.

Manipulation of the consciousness of others always leads to a dead end, because if one side manipulates, and the other is led to such an attitude towards itself, this format of relationship in any case does not lead to development, which means they are doomed to failure.

There is another aspect of this approach - the manipulator himself is the first potential victim of another manipulator.

Most people forget about this, but like attracts like. The object of manipulation in one situation is most often the manipulator himself in another. Therefore, this is a mutual choice and responsibility for what happens lies on both sides.

The game of mutual giveaway always leads to loss.

The real tool that ensures the development of relationships, develops the person himself and increases his level of communication is the search for the true motivation of another person, finding common points of interest and developing a mutually acceptable and interesting model of relations for both parties and based on this scenario for the development of events. It's always about working on yourself, and this means courage and leaving your comfort zone.

Manipulation in communication: good or bad?

Manipulations in communication: the beginning

Every day you come across this phenomenon in almost any communication - family, colleagues, friends, or simply unfamiliar people are trying to control you. With a 90% probability, you also manipulate others, trying to influence and control their opinions and actions.

For some reason, in society I often come across the opinion that manipulation is certainly bad (another good question - what is “bad” and “good” anyway? Think about it). At the same time, there are people who manipulate others (consciously or unconsciously) and declare that this is bad and “I don’t do that.” And there is another position, which I absolutely share:

MANIPULATION IS NORMAL!

Let's figure it out - what is manipulation?

Simply put, this is a hidden influence on another person to do (or not do), to say something that was not part of his plans, which perhaps he himself does not want. A distinctive feature is that you have a feeling of discomfort, that you are being used or coerced.

IMPORTANT! Any manipulation is a type of communication, a type of communication. But not every communication is manipulation.

You understand that this action will not bring benefits to you personally, and may even harm you. But you fulfill the request anyway, and then you regret it. It is important to understand the difference - a person can manipulate you consciously and unconsciously.

Conscious manipulation - when a person is 100% aware that he is manipulating, that is, he has a hidden goal and he understands how he will achieve it.

For example, a card player. If he has been dealt good cards, he tries to feign annoyance and disappointment. For what? To mislead opponents. Similar situations often occur during multi-stage negotiations, when the manipulative strategy is designed for several steps and, as a result of emotional or logical manipulation, the other party makes concessions.

A great example is the series “House of Cards” - a manual on manipulation

Unconscious manipulations in communication - when a person tries to control you instinctively.
The most harmful is the implicit manipulation that a person does not track. Unfortunately, this method of manipulation is most often found between people. It turns out that the person does not use manipulation responsibly and does not manage the process.
Example: your child wanted a toy, but you refused him. He got upset, cried, and you bought him a toy to calm him down. If this “trick” is performed several times, the child will “learn” to cry in order to get what he wants. How often in life will he then use this trick, albeit changing the method of manipulation? It becomes a pattern.

How to learn to distinguish whether you are being manipulated or not?

The basis for manipulating and controlling you is pressure on emotions. And emotions can be different:

Pity - a friend shows himself to be unhappy, incompetent or a failure;
A feeling of pride - a colleague tells you that you are a specialist, a master of your craft;
Fear of loss - your significant other shows you what you can lose;
Feeling of guilt - “How will we be without you now, we have invested our whole lives in you, and you are abandoning us”;
Seduction - a person awakens a desire in you, for example, sexual or food;
Manipulation of love - “If you act like that, I won’t love you.”

By the way, this is one of the most insidious and cruel manipulations that are often used in families. A child accustomed to such treatment begins to understand that the people closest to him do not fully accept him, they love him not for what he is, but for what he does or does not do something. In partnerships, such conversations also do not lead to anything good. Indeed, in this case, love is placed on one side of the scale, and a certain condition is placed on the other. It turns out that love is a commodity that, if necessary, can be exchanged for services or money.

Sometimes people around you can use more than one of your emotions. The one that evokes the most response is triggered. More often it is a feeling of guilt and pity.

The most interesting thing is that the more often a person succumbs to manipulation, the more of them there are. A colleague who pushes his work onto you will continue to do so. Relatives who need help or your property or borrowed money will repeat the situation every time. And more often than not it will be awkward for you to refuse.

Managing emotions is the most effective way to resist manipulation

Manipulators quickly lose interest in people who do not respond to them emotionally. And the less you pay attention to the manipulator, the less you play by his rules.

To put it simply, imagine: every emotion is a pebble across the river, from the manipulator to you. By responding to slips, you create a bridge to your personal space, time and resources. And if there is no pebble (the necessary emotion), the manipulator “falls into the water.”

Initial tactics to combat manipulation

To get started, I will give you a simple practice, which, in fact, is not even a counter-manipulation technique. This is not a method of struggle, but a quiet defense, a tool for slowing down and getting time to think.

Get a simple bracelet, ring, rubber band, or just tie a thread on your wrist, as is fashionable now. Every time you hear a request to do something, give, buy or take (these are the simplest manipulations), look at your hand and grab a bracelet or thread, or click the rubber band. Twist it for a couple of minutes and say - I will tell you my decision tomorrow, in a week, in a month. But not now (because that’s what they want from you)!

In the evening, when you come home, think carefully - do you personally need what was proposed? If not, then no. Just don't announce your decision right away. If they ask, answer.

IMPORTANT! Understand who the decision belongs to: you or the person you are talking to.

If you use this method during any communication, then simple everyday manipulators will leave you. The fact is that seeing the coldness of a person, not feeling his emotions (on which manipulation is based) and feeling the cold, the manipulator moves away. Eco-friendly and of your own free will.

Of course, this doesn’t always work in the moment. The fact is that manipulators can be aggressive, with many techniques and methods of coercion.

To fight them you need