- Irina Evgenievna, you are not only a professional psychologist and psychotherapist, but also a mother of four children, so the problem of school grades is well known to you. What should parents do? Scold a child? Punish?
I would like to remind you that “bad grades” are a strictly individual concept: some parents scold for bad marks, others for fours. If a student’s annual grades were an unpleasant surprise for parents, I would like to ask: where were these parents in the middle of the school year? Haven't they seen how their child learns? Now all schools have electronic journals, all grades are displayed in them, parents have access to them, and they can see the child’s progress in all subjects at any time. Why do they start scolding him after the end of the school year, when it is no longer possible to correct the situation?
If parents are not satisfied with the grades, they need to find out why this is happening: talk to the teacher, work with the child and understand what his difficulties are. But this must be done during the school year, and at the end of the year it is pointless to scold a child for bad grades.
It is important to recognize and praise your child's achievements, so at the end of the school year it can be helpful to compare grades that have improved recently and praise your child for those achievements. If academic performance has dropped, the reason for this needs to be clarified comprehensively: maybe the child was sick a lot, neglected something, or misunderstood something? Or did he not have a good relationship with the teacher? Children may have developmental disabilities, such as dyslexia or dysgraphia. Parents and the teacher should figure this out: the child himself cannot understand why his performance has decreased, and adults should figure it out. Parents who closely monitor their child's studies throughout the year know in advance what annual grades they will receive. But if in this case, for unknown reasons, the final grades turned out to be unexpectedly bad, you need to go to school and deal with the teacher, and not with the child.
- Some parents scold their children even for getting B grades. Is it possible to achieve excellent performance in all subjects from a child?
This is absolutely unacceptable: a four is a good mark. Some parents believe that their child should get straight A's. But to whom and why does he owe it? Parents must clearly distinguish between their desires and the desires of the child: do adults want him to be an excellent student? Does the child himself want this? And most importantly, is he able to master all school subjects with excellent marks? Parents must answer these questions honestly and separate their personal ambitions from the requirements for the student. Parents who scold their child for getting B grades forget that such a “pedagogical” approach cripples the child’s psyche: after receiving a B grade, the child cries and is afraid to go home.
- But sometimes parents see that the child is studying half-heartedly.
I would say that in this case the child is simply saving his strength, and this can be explained. Schoolchildren have heavy workloads: they have to get up early and be disciplined, but their bodies are growing, their brains are actively developing, and their hormonal levels are changing. As a result, they produce a lot of energy that they have to restrain, and all this greatly affects their attitude towards learning. But there is another factor: children become tired during the school year. In the fall, children begin to study actively: they are rested, tanned and gain strength, so the results of the first quarter are good. As the New Year approaches, activity decreases, and by spring, schoolchildren’s internal resources are depleted: vitamin deficiency appears, immunity decreases, and performance declines. The child unconsciously begins to save his energy, and grades in the last quarter may be worse than in the first.
If parents believe that their child is studying half-heartedly, they should find out why this is happening and why he is saving his energy: maybe he is more interested in doing something else or playing computer games? But there may be other reasons for studying half-heartedly - for example, missed material that was not learned in a timely manner prevents you from mastering the following topics. As a result, the child experiences difficulties that are beyond his control and which he cannot cope with on his own. In this case, parents should help him with additional activities, and not scold him.
- Or maybe the child is just lazy and doesn’t want to study well?
If a child saves his energy, this is not laziness - this is a kind of adaptation of the child to life. He does not plan to be lazy, he does it unconsciously and he himself suffers from it. The child does not want to study poorly, he is afraid of teachers and is afraid of the disfavor of his parents, but for some reason he saves his energy or switches to something simple and easy, where he has more opportunities to become successful and achieve any achievements - for example, computer games.
- Is it necessary to punish a child for poor annual grades by depriving him of any pleasures - for example, a promised excursion, a tourist trip or a trip to a summer camp?
It is forbidden. Such a punishment would be an unfair act towards the child: he still worked, tried, got up early, worked hard. Parents should take a closer look at their child, find out the reasons for his problems and help him learn material that is difficult for him.
- If parents are dissatisfied with a student’s annual grades, then how can they motivate their child to be more successful in their studies in the future?
We must not forget that the children themselves are also upset because of bad grades and try to correct them. If in a class good grades are considered something important and valuable, then the child will have an incentive to study as best as possible. But the most important motivation is interest in learning: if a child is interested, he will study well. Gifts, purchases, trips and other material incentives are bad stimulation, and money as an incentive to study is generally unacceptable.
It’s a rare teacher in a rare school who tries to structure a lesson in such a way that the children find it interesting: so that they don’t want to be distracted, whisper, but want to learn something. Most are trying to cope with forgetfulness, sloppiness (as it may seem at first glance) and the desire to turn around in twos. Literature teacher Tatyana Kokuseva explains why lowering grades for corrections, a notebook forgotten at home, or excessive activity is stupid and, most importantly, useless.
For those preparing for the main school exam
School is not just about education, test scores, and college preparation. School is, after all, eleven years of a child’s life. Here he learns to live in the society of people, to defend his point of view or come to compromises, to prove that he is right. Here he must receive motivation, a desire to know and seek knowledge. And in the end, by the end of the eleventh grade, decide on the choice of profession. This is how it should be in that ideal world that does not exist.
In fact, many children are afraid of teachers in the lower grades, in the middle grades they don’t want to study, and in the older grades they push school into the far corner. Parents are looking for tutors in horror and do not understand what is happening: the child stubbornly does not want to, the child does not try at all, he has no interest at all. Their intelligent and smart baby assesses himself as incapable of learning and prefers to do anything but homework. And the point is not at all that he is lazy.
When a child joins a school group, he is faced with many rules. These rules in the form of prohibitions, assessments and requirements resemble chaotically and absurdly placed flags that cannot be crossed. From the first days, first-graders know that they need to sit upright, without moving or making sounds if possible. Homework must be completed regularly and accurately every day. “The sticks must be perpendicular,” as the hero of “Two Captains” said. In the first grade, the first motivational marks for perpendicular sticks appear. This means that for clumsy handwriting, crossed-out marks and fingerprints smeared with ink, the grade in the notebook is reduced.
From the point of view of Russian pedagogy, a child, having received a grade a point or two lower, will certainly try to write better next time
And then even better. And so on until the well-deserved “five”. However, something in this regard does not work. Children in the first grade do not yet know how to write beautifully. For most first-graders, writing is an uphill battle of bending, pressing, squiggles, and flowing tails. The words play leapfrog over the lines in the notebook, the letters differ from each other in width and size. The handwriting of a person who has recently learned to write is far from perfect and requires enormous concentration. Hence the dirt, the strikeouts, and the letters turned in the wrong direction. The finger is pressed into the handle with such force that even many years after leaving school, the callus reminds of torment.
And now the text is defeated. The student proudly gives the notebook to the teacher. And in response he receives a “C” and a stern remark in the margin “try hard!” Then again and again. At what point will a child give up on the pointless struggle with his own handwriting and resign himself to an eternal C? In addition, handwriting depends not only on effort. Mild neurological disorders, psychological pressures and tension also affect handwriting. Psychologists often write that children in a big city experience constant stress from the frantic pace of life, while school itself is a separate test. As a result, it turns out that when assessing a child’s handwriting in the first years of school, the teacher essentially evaluates the psychological state and natural abilities, and not the efforts of each individual student.
Other grades for poor handwriting are added, designed to teach the child composure and seriousness. A friend of mine receives a call from her sobbing fifth-grader daughter in the middle of the workday. Having difficulty breaking through her sobs, the mother learns that her daughter received a bad grade for a notebook forgotten at home. Literally the day before the incident, the girl set herself a goal - to finish the quarter with straight A's. A noble task was shattered by forgetfulness. The indignant mother called the teacher and heard in response that next time she would carefully prepare for school. And at the same time I found out that, of course, they didn’t give me a bad grade in the magazine, so there’s no need to worry, nothing will spoil the overall picture of the grades.
A logical question arises - why is this Schrödinger two needed, if it doesn’t exist?
It turns out that after the mother’s explanations, the child should already understand in the fifth grade that for some reason adults are performing ostentatious performances under the guise of acts of intimidation. And that in fact it doesn't mean anything at all. The conclusion is simple - spit and not pay attention. The teacher does not benefit from such an attitude.
Concerned parents bring their middle school students to tutors. The diagnosis is a lot of mistakes in dictations, constant grades of three and two. I look at the dictation. The total number of errors counted by the teacher is nine. Rating: two. I carefully examine the dictation and find out that in reality there are only four grammatical errors. The rest - I wrote it wrong, thought about it, corrected it. The correction is counted as an error. But he corrected it himself, remembered the rule, it seems commendable. It turns out that this does not matter for the assessment.
Teachers give reasons - in exams, any blot is counted as a mistake. It turns out that already in the fifth or sixth grade, a student should think about the exam and be afraid, just in case. You never know. I’ll grow up, the fifth-grader probably thinks, I’ll go take the Unified State Exam, but I’ll make a mistake, I’ll cross out the mistake, and they’ll lower my score, I won’t go to college!
The training takes place under the slogan “pave your way to neurosis in advance”
Let's not forget about ratings for behavior. Talked in class - bad mark. Ran around school - bad mark. He picked his nose, he counted the raven, he wrote notes, he flew wrong, he whistled wrong. Everything is taken into account and evaluated. Previously, behavior was officially classified as satisfactory or unsatisfactory. Why this was necessary is unknown. I don’t remember a single inveterate hooligan who would come out with a bad behavior on his certificate. Behavior grades did not stop anyone from behaving as they wanted, except that they spoiled parents’ nerves a little.
Russian schools have not yet dealt with the behavior of students. How to intimidate these little rascals to such an extent that they do not interfere with the teacher's speech? Conducting lessons in a way that is interesting, constantly keeping restless children's brains occupied with activities - this option is considered only occasionally, in some schools and by some teachers. Usually, especially active people are graded for energy directed in the wrong direction. And this rating is not five. I remember how in the late eighties our restless class was expelled from the pioneers almost in its entirety. For behavior. At first they only frightened us, and then they assembled a school-wide lineup and selected ties. Brought up by the Soviet school, our teachers did not take into account one thing - we were already post-perestroika children and we didn’t care. What should have been a terrible humiliation became a funny event, nothing more. The same way today's children are affected by behavior grades - no way.
The debate between teachers and parents on the topic of motivational assessments is eternal. Teachers believe that work design, handwriting and attentiveness should be assessed, because both the exam result and skills in working with texts and documents in adult life depend on this. Parents say that their children have assigned themselves the label of eternal C student and do not want to try. Surprisingly, both are right, but the matter is not moving forward.
The school, like a petrified mammoth, changes slowly and holds on tightly to its methods.
But if you think about it, what will happen if you don’t give a bad grade for a forgotten notebook, shift, or physical education uniform? So what? Will the earth fly into the celestial axis, or maybe everyone will immediately begin to forget their notebooks, forms and shifts? I think that all teachers understand perfectly well that nothing will happen if today a student writes work on a piece of paper and then carefully pastes it into a notebook. This can be agreed upon in clear terms. Maybe, instead of grading behavior, think about what is wrong with a particular child. Find him an additional one or remove the extra load, talk to his parents, take him to a school psychologist.
These are not universal rules, but something will suit each specific case. As for grades for handwriting and design of work, in my opinion, it is high time to separate form and content. The child will clearly understand what he needs to work on, where to improve his skills, and not be upset by yet another C for a correctly solved but poorly executed task. It is unknown why the school stubbornly refuses to understand that praise is a better motivator than an angry shout. Especially when it comes to children who do not yet have confidence in their abilities. If they are constantly pulled down, prodded, and underestimated, they will grow into insecure adults.
For many parents, the child’s academic performance comes second to his health. And when an unpleasant situation arises - a child brings bad grades, parents begin to panic, but do not know how to deal with the impending threat. They often use lengthy conversations or threaten with something (deprivation of pocket money, various types of punishment).
But in 1st grade, the child simply does not realize the extent of the problem and threats from parents.
In order to deal with bad grades, you need to find out the reason, and then think through methods.
Some of the most common reasons for poor school performance.
Only after you have carefully studied the situation can you even think about overcoming the problems. Remember that if you haven’t found out the reason, you shouldn’t act out of the blue - this can aggravate the situation and categorically set the child against school and knowledge.
Actions you can take to improve your academic performance.
It doesn’t matter what grade your child is in: 1st or 11th, if he feels your support and sees your desire to help him, then you will get out of the impasse together.
In order to help with your studies correctly, you need to act according to this plan.
- Finding contact with a child. First you need to find out what the child wants - you need to find out his interests and desires, accept his fears and help him overcome them. You need to find something in common with him so that you have common ideas.
- You need to show that you love him regardless of grades. There is no need to scold him again for no reason, compare him with someone, or offend him.
- Don't value the assessment, value his perseverance and desire. There is no need to play sales games: “You show me an excellent grade, and I give you money.”
- Good example. Remember yourself at his age: did you behave ideally? It’s better to share with your child that you, too, once upon a time solved such problems and they didn’t even work out for you, but because you worked hard, everything worked out.
- The right motivation. The most difficult thing is to correctly tell the child for whom and what he is studying. It is necessary to give examples of successful people who have reached heights thanks to their studies.
- Don't complain about your child's performance. You will not achieve the desired result if you tell all your neighbors about your son who is a poor student. Perhaps you will do even worse by labeling him a stupid slacker.
What to do if your child gets a bad grade, and how to properly motivate him to do well in his studies. Recommendations from a psychologist.
Marina, is it necessary to explain to your child about the school grading system that “five” is good and “two” is bad?
If there is a grading system at school, and especially if it is adopted in elementary school, then, of course, you need to talk about it with your child. Explain to him in what cases and for what he can receive this or that assessment. It is important that the child does not form such a negative connection: “if I have bad grades, then I am bad.”
In a traditional Russian school, assessment is a public act. The whole class, or even the whole school, knows what grades a particular child achieves. And very often, especially in primary school, grades are a measure of the child’s personality as a whole, when labels like “C” or “excellent student” indicate the child’s abilities in principle. They are also a filter in the process of adaptation of the child both in the group of peers and in the teaching community. And this prism is the main one in the school environment. The fact that a child’s speed of perception of material is lower than others, for example, or due to his choleric temperament it is difficult for him to concentrate on a task - all these nuances will be taken into account in the very last place.
Often, schools do not take into account the dynamic processes in a student’s development. At the beginning of the year, the child could show far from the best results, but by the end of the quarter his performance became higher, but the overall score when calculating the quarter mark will not take this progress into account - initial low grades, especially in large numbers, will devalue the final high grades.
Therefore, the child, of course, must know that he must strive to get good grades in order to be successful in the future. But bad grades should not be interpreted as ignorance, carelessness and laziness.
ChildI got a bad grade. Is it worth punishing?
You don't need to do this. Motivation for progress and achievement must be positive. If there is a bad grade, it means you need to try harder to improve the result. Punishing a child for a bad grade, for example, by depriving him of walks, games or communication with friends, his motivation will be negative. It creates either fear or nihilism. In case of fear, the child will be afraid to take the initiative. This can be implemented like this: for example, one problem may have several solutions, but even if your child has them, he will remain silent or use the only acceptable answer because he will be afraid of making a mistake. In the case of nihilism, aggression and aversion to learning arise, the child will think like this: “if I have a bad grade, then I will do badly in everything.”
Let your child understand that a bad grade is just a reason to further improve the result. It’s like in sports, where a loss or a missed goal is not a failure, but another training session and a step towards a new achievement, victory. This is exactly the attitude a child should have toward a teacher’s grades.
If every bad assessment is followed by its analysis, and in the connotation of a positive outcome, then they will be avoided faster. Because the child who brought a bad mark will know that he can explain to the parent why this happened, why the bad mark was given, and where he misunderstood the material. The student will have a feeling of security, not fear. The task of parents and teachers is to provide such a safe space for the student and, first of all, the elementary school student.
Is your child afraid of getting a bad grade or very nervous before tests? What to do?
If a child is afraid of bad grades, most likely, parents have already played their “role” here, “loading” the child with their expectations and unspoken demands.
There is no need to make your child an extension of your own success! Become your child's friend! In every assessment, support and care are needed, the child must know that he has a safe place and this place is his family.
If your child is nervous before a test, tell a story about yourself, about how you went to tests, how you passed exams, that you, too, were sometimes scared and excited, just like he is now. And very often the tests ended successfully, because there was enough knowledge, just like your child. But when you got a bad grade, you always had a chance to improve it. And the child also has this chance. This identification is important in this case, it provides support for your student.
There is nothing good in the fact that a child is constantly afraid of getting a bad grade. The psyche of a child who is threatened with a bad grade will include protective mechanisms in the face of parental and teacher rejection. And this is a normal mental function. However, the protection itself will not be the best. One option is an endless feeling of guilt for a bad grade and dissatisfaction with oneself, which as a result can lead to the identity of an inferior person. The second option is to develop such a quality as slyness, silence, popularly called lying. To avoid punishment (provided, of course, that he is being punished for bad grades), the child will lie. There is a third option. To prove that he is good, a student, having received a bad grade, will take the path of perfectionism and focus only on his homework. The result can be impressive, provided that the child has a strong ego and is able to withstand failure. But in primary school, which instills in the child knowledge about himself through grades, this is not typical. In addition, all three options are united by a common feeling - a feeling of fear, which in adult life develops into background anxiety and becomes one of the components of neurotic states. For some, this is practically unnoticeable, while for others who were unlucky with a teacher in childhood, they will be very sensitive to the disturbing effect on the psyche.
Is it necessary to praise for “A” grades?
Of course, you need to praise for A's. But don’t overdo it with comments like “you’re the best”, “you know everything”, etc. Do not create a cult of “A”, when “A” is good, and everything else is below the bar and does not deserve praise, then a “bad” grade will not become a tragedy for the child.
If a child receives excellent grades, this is a reason for pride, first of all, for the parents. They are the ones who can influence the development of the so-called excellent student syndrome. Children's perfectionism is a very severe neurosis for a child, but a child falls into it with the direct assistance of an adult. As a rule, such a child is initially loaded with high parental expectations. The only way to justify them is to be good at everything, to become an excellent student, to win even at something other than your own game. If this does not happen, then the child feels unworthy and unnecessary to his parents.
First of all, let your child know that you are praising him not for the grades he receives, but for the fact that he strives for knowledge and shows interest in learning something. And there is no harm in the fact that at some point the child shows less curiosity about the subject and does not receive excellent grades for it.
The child believes that the teacher was unfair to him and lowered his grade. What should I do?
Analyze the situation, find out why the teacher gave such a grade. When you talk to your child about his grades, you are showing him your support. But it is also important not to lower the authority of the teacher in the eyes of the child. Therefore, it is worth taking not the position of your child’s parent, but the position of a teacher. Because often, from the position of a parent, we have one desire - to protect the child. If there really is injustice in the mark, then it is worth discussing this with the teacher.
In the photo: painting by Reshetnikov F.P. "A deuce again"
Each of us sooner or later faces a situation of such failure. “Sit down, two!” — the teacher makes his verdict. And it is often unclear, what to do next? Our thoughts are confused, overwhelmed by emotions, and as a result, our actions may not be reasonable. Let's try to figure out what it would make sense to do when we get a bad grade (for brevity, let's call it a “two”, although everyone has their own definition of “bad”, and it can be a grade from 1 to 4).
So, the first thing we face is our own self-esteem. Sometimes it decreases significantly as soon as we get a deuce. Therefore, at the first moment after receiving a bad mark, it is important to stop yourself for a second and remind yourself of a very simple thing. A bad grade doesn't make you worse. Don't become stupid because you couldn't solve a problem, don't become more unpleasant because you didn't learn the rules and exceptions, don't become unworthy because you can't write the formula for a legume flower. A poor rating only reflects ineffectiveness in a particular activity. Essentially, it's a pointer to remind you of which areas of knowledge you need to pay a little more attention to.
Let's say you calmed down and were able to come to your senses. And at this moment the next question arises - how will the parents react. Quite often, the thought automatically arises: “my parents will kill me.”
It makes sense to look at the situation a little more objectively. To make this easier, try to remember how your parents reacted to bad grades the last time. In any case, they will not kill you. Yes, your parents are unlikely to be happy and are unlikely to reward you for a well-deserved bad mark. Most likely, they will express their displeasure in one way or another, perhaps punishing you in some way.
Therefore, the next thought that usually tempts us is “not to tell our parents anything.” The idea is as tempting as it is ineffective. Anyone who has tried to hide something probably already knows that sooner or later everything will become known to their parents. And if before this they would have been upset exclusively by bad grades, now this will also be mixed with unpleasant experiences associated with your deception - as a result, the punishment may be more severe, and trust in you will be undermined. Another disadvantage is that by hiding your marks, you become a victim of accidents. You can be discovered at any second, and most often this happens at the most inopportune moment. When you talk about your school difficulties on your own, you have the opportunity to mentally prepare, and sometimes choose the right time for such a conversation. Sometimes another illusion arises - the thought that you can handle everything yourself. Following her, you take a risk - because sometimes problems grow like a snowball. It will be much easier for you to prevent various difficulties together with your parents than to try to somehow cope with a situation when you are mired in debt, and your parents are angry with you because what was happening was hidden for too long.
So, we gathered our strength and are ready to tell our parents about our failure. What's the best way to do this? Each of you knows your parents well and will probably be able to choose a time when they will be in a fairly good mood. If you are still very scared, start a conversation with the parent with whom you have a more trusting relationship. What should I say?
“I got a two because I was distracted a lot on the test” - “I’ll be focused on the next test.”
“I got a bad mark because I missed this topic and didn’t understand everything” - “Now I will try to fully understand this topic so as not to get into this situation again”
“I didn’t pass the test because I didn’t study” - “Now before the test I sit down to study even more seriously”
“The teacher lowered my grade” - “I will try to improve relations with the teacher or at least find out what it takes to get good grades”
All of these tips may help you feel more comfortable and free to talk about bad grades, but all this will be useless if you yourself do not take concrete actions to improve your performance. It is important that your plan moves from words to action, then you will have to talk about your deuces much less often.
Let's summarize. When we receive a bad grade, we:
- Letting ourselves calm down
- We are mentally preparing to tell our parents about our difficulties.
- Discussing the situation with parents
- Taking concrete steps to improve our performance
Good luck in your studies.
Sergey Elkhimov,
