Doesn't ask for forgiveness. Resentment, guilt, forgiveness: what does everyone need to know? Two reasons why a man doesn’t admit he’s right require close attention

Between a man and a woman, girlfriends or friends, it is inevitable, since there are no people with the same opinions and characters. Therefore, sometimes misunderstandings occur, as a result of which we often say a lot of unnecessary things, which we later regret. But how to fix the error? How correct and original? And is it even worth doing this?

Is it worth asking for forgiveness?

“Do I need to apologize?” - This is the question asked by almost every person who finds himself in an unpleasant situation and has quarreled with a person close to him. The issue becomes especially acute when you are not to blame, and the opposite party does not seek to make contact. Despite all these details, it is still worth asking for forgiveness.

Reasons why you should ask for forgiveness:

• Bias.

It only seems to you that you are not to blame. In any quarrel, both people made mistakes, otherwise there would not have been a conflict situation at all. This applies to family, friendly and comradely relationships. If you respond to your offender with the same words, in a raised tone or with a dissatisfied look, you are already making a mistake. Therefore, it is definitely worth asking for forgiveness, even if you consider yourself to have suffered in what happened. Agree that it is very simple to say: “I’m sorry I didn’t stop in time,” “I couldn’t restrain myself,” “I’m embarrassed that I raised my tone when communicating with you,” but the result after saying such words will not be long in coming.

• The only way to get the relationship back.

Asking for forgiveness is not, on the contrary, it is an indicator and distinctive feature of strong people! Therefore, do not think that asking forgiveness from a girlfriend or wife is humiliating for a man. One ridiculous situation is not a reason to keep quiet, not talk, or hang up. Get over yourself, and then the other side will see that you are a humble person who lacks all manifestations of pride and selfishness.

• Resuming communication.

If the person with whom you quarreled is not very close to you, but you are forced to communicate with him, then asking for forgiveness is a wise act. As a result, you will be able to collaborate again.

Anyone can say “sorry,” but asking for forgiveness correctly is an art that anyone can learn if they know certain rules.

1. Acknowledge the guilt.

For your apology to be truly sincere, you need to understand what went wrong and what you need to improve on. To begin with, objectively evaluate the events that occurred, just take them into account from the other person’s perspective. Think about what would be better to do, what you said caused the conflict and what to do next. When you realize the mistake, your words of apology will be quickly accepted by a friend. Moreover, in response to your words, he will want to ask for forgiveness for his own mistakes.

1. Prepare to apologize.

Although memorized words when communicating are not an indicator of sincerity, you should still think about what to say. Preparation also includes choosing the appropriate situation. Don't approach your life partner for such a conversation when you see that he is tired and still nervous. In this case, there is a chance that the quarrel will repeat, so it’s better to have a more appropriate moment.

While time is of the essence, don't delay in apologizing. Reconciliation should be carried out as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Place for reconciliation is important. Avoid other people appearing while you are talking. This is especially true for children; they should not see or feel that something unpleasant is happening between their parents. Asking for forgiveness over the phone is not very wise, since the interlocutor will not be able to fully verify your sincerity. Such situations are exceptions if you live far from your boyfriend or girlfriend. However, the best option will still be when you see each other.

1. Reconciliation.

5 main factors on how to ask for forgiveness correctly. These include:

• Admission of guilt. This is the first and simple stage, which requires a simple phrase: “I’m sorry.”
• Awareness of the wrongness of what happened. At this stage, you need to clearly express what your mistake was. General phrases are not suitable for complete reconciliation. Speak clearly and to the point: what was wrong in your action.
• The desire to change the situation. Your admission of guilt will also be seen in the fact that you are ready to change and do something for the person close to you.
• Remorse means that you will do everything possible to avoid repeating your mistake. It is enough to express this with the words: “I promise that I will not do this again.”
• A strong desire to be forgiven for what you have done. If your pride allows you to once again say the words of apology and add to them “Forgive me, please,” then for the interlocutor this is an indicator that you repent.

You should not intentionally cry to achieve the desired result, since you will achieve little with tears, and sincere words of repentance will help you reconcile and not repeat such situations again.

Asking for forgiveness is difficult, especially if you do not feel guilty or always go first to meet your friend. However, or between friends is much more valuable than our pride and selfishness, which keep us from saying an apology.

How to ask for forgiveness in an original way?

After a serious quarrel, it is difficult to immediately reconcile, so sometimes it is appropriate to carefully prepare and ask for forgiveness more for the other person. However, you should not make a show and involve other people in it. It’s better for them not to know about what happened at all.

Appropriate humor and a gentle smile are proven methods for quick reconciliation.

Originality will manifest itself in the fact that, taking into account the character and interests of the person, you select a situation or plan it yourself for another person. , invite your life partner to a restaurant, create a video with pleasant moments in your friendship or life together, plan to visit a place with which you have many exciting events. This will help the person forget about what happened and enjoy the best moments in your relationship.

Resentment is one of the most difficult feelings that accompany us in life. It colors life in dark colors, makes us hear poisonous subtext in the most ordinary statements, spoils relationships between loved ones, and ruins our own health. Resentment occurs when another person behaves differently than we expected. Any offense is always a claim. The claim that you were treated wrongly, not seen, not appreciated, not understood, and so on. And, perhaps, the most offensive thing is when a loved one betrays you, when he turns against you. How to react to this? Psychiatrist, psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy and rector of the Pyatnitsky metochion of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra in Sergiev Posad, Archpriest Pavel Velikanov, talk about this and much more.

Answered by Konstantin Olkhovoy, psychiatrist, psychotherapist

The topics of resentment, guilt and forgiveness are huge, even endless, and there are a great many books, articles, and lectures on them. Here I will talk about those things that are important for everyone to know.

How often are we told that offenses must be forgiven. And, it seems, this should be an obvious thing, especially for a Christian who understands the importance of forgiveness. But why in the vast majority of cases does a psychotherapist encounter the topic of one or another unforgiveness in his work? With unforgiveness that prevents a person from living, with unprocessed grievances that burn out a person’s soul.

Often we approach the topic of forgiveness formally: we say “I forgive” without sincerely forgiving. We pretend that we have forgiven, formally following social and religious “norms and rules.” We do not open the abscess, but drive it deep inside. But the abscess is not going anywhere. So grievances are ulcers hidden deep inside that may not hurt for some time, but in the end they still begin to put pressure, cause “inflammation,” etc. A classic example is children’s grievances against parents hidden from themselves, often quite fair. Moreover to the insult itself there is also added a feeling of guilt for the insult, which can be more painful than the pain itself: “After all, parents are sacred! They must be read! How can you be offended by them!” And we try again and again to suppress this resentment, not realizing that suppression does not heal, but only drives the problem inside. But reverence does not mean that there is no need to sort out your pain and resentment associated with your parents.

Unforgiven grievances are one of the most common problems in marital relationships, when family life turns into an ever-increasing ball of mutual grievances. Over time, when this lump reaches gigantic proportions, it almost inevitably leads to the destruction of the marriage. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a legally formalized divorce or a formal cohabitation of strangers, hostile people.

But there are also completely “strange” grievances, grievances that most people do not admit to themselves. Of which they will say: “This is definitely not about me! This is impossible, disgusting, disgusting and immoral!” I'm talking about resentment towards loved ones because they... died. It sounds very strange. But ask yourself: “Aren’t I offended that I was abandoned? Am I offended by a parent, a spouse, a child, a deceased person close to me - because he left me here alone, because he hurt me so much by leaving?” The mind will scream that this is nonsense, that your loved one is not to blame for the fact that he died, that he did not want to leave you alone. But someone small and unhappy inside us knows that the right words do not make him feel better, that pain and resentment live on. From my own experience, I will say that almost all people who have experienced a loss have this resentment, in one form or another.

If something really hurt you, don’t hesitate to admit it, first of all, to yourself. Any attempt to get away from a grudge by saying “Well, it’s okay, I’m not offended at all” or " "Well, I forgave you a long time ago,"will only push the abscess inside. No - “I’m offended, I’m very offended and very bad.” Only by allowing yourself to feel this can you get out of the state of (overt or hidden) resentment.

This is a very important point. If you are offended by a person, it is better to immediately tell him about it and try to figure out the problem together. Don’t accumulate five, ten, a hundred grievances within yourself. The more there are, the more difficult it is to deal with them later.

What do we mean by the word “forgive”? Forget and pretend that nothing happened? Just as before, rejoice at the person who hurt you?.. From a psychotherapeutic point of view to forgive means to let go. That is, not to experience pain, worries, anger, rage towards a person.

If you feel like some unforgiven resentment (incoming or outgoing) is gnawing at you, try to sincerely let it go. Yes, this is working with your soul. “That’s it, I don’t want to be offended anymore, because it makes me feel bad, not the person I’m offended by, it devours me and doesn’t let me live.”

The problem is that people very often ask for forgiveness or forgive formally: “Oh, I’m sorry, please” - “Oh, come on, I’m not offended by you.” But there is no real letting go of the problem. Believe me, formal “I’m sorry” doesn’t work.

Forgive. But how? Will saying “I must forgive” solve the problem? No. After all, what is resentment? This is our reaction to actions that hurt our weak point. But if we simply tell ourselves that “we must forgive the offense,” then our weak point will not go away. We will remain his hostage. But if we tell ourselves that we want to forgive, then we will have to find the source of resentment within ourselves. We will have to find this weak point, we will have to work on it. And then the resentment will be released, because it will have no point of application left. And our soul will become a little freer.

It is important to understand what is behind the phrase “I have never asked anyone for forgiveness” There is always some kind of psychological game involved. Why does a person not admit his guilt, what benefit does he derive from this? Therefore, if this is not a person very close to you, it is better to formalize further communication. Not to punish him, but to protect himself. What about your loved ones? We can fight for our loved one by knocking on his heart again and again. And - to reach out. Or... retreat, realizing that this is no longer close.

You don’t have to say this out loud, you have to say it to yourself. A person has done this once or several times and does not consider that he did wrong. So he can do it again and I have to be ready for this. I don’t hold it against him or be angry, but I just know that this could happen again. Just like I don’t hold a grudge against a thunderstorm, hurricane or earthquake, but at the same time I understand that they pose a danger to me, and I try to somehow protect myself.

Don't forget that there are people who find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness with words. Maybe a person doesn’t want to be offended, but he simply cannot say these three cherished words. But often such people try to show with all their appearance and actions that they were wrong - and thereby apologize to us. Does this count as a request for forgiveness? I think yes. Such behavior often carries much more weight than words, which again brings us to the problem of formalism: “Oh, did I break your leg? Well, excuse me, please."

Our reader fears: “You seem to feel that you are obliged to ask for forgiveness, although perhaps you are only partly to blame. But what if a person perceives your request for forgiveness as an admission of your surrender?

On the one hand, we are most likely again dealing with some kind of distorted relationship. Why are you so afraid that your apology will be perceived as capitulation? Don’t you think that if in response to your apology you expect the person to say: “Yeah, you capitulated!” does this mean that your relationship is developing in some scandalous and destructive way? Do you really need this? Isn't this a reason to radically change the relationship?

On the other hand, it often happens that a person is absolutely right in content, but wrong in form. If, for example, you didn’t like something in the behavior of another and you made an ugly scandal about it, yelled so hard that the person left in tears, of course, you should say: “Sorry, I made a terrible scandal, I’m absolutely wrong. But at the same time, I still don’t like the behavior to which I reacted so stupidly and ugly.”

It is important for any child and adult to learn to admit their mistakes. You are not required to completely admit your guilt for everything. If you feel like you've done something wrong, you need to ask for forgiveness for specific things. And when you sincerely admit your mistake, when you jointly analyze why this happened, how to fix it, how not to repeat it in the future - it is much more effective for both you and those around you than simply shouting: “It’s my fault, forgive me, forgive me!” This is what a healthy relationship is - when people try to work through the situation, understand what caused the conflict and sort out their mistakes.

There is such a saying, and it best answers the last question of our reader. If you have once caused harm to a person, which he does not know about, if you feel that you are to blame for him, but you are afraid with your words to hurt him, destroy his family or even his life, if the situation is already irreparable - ask him for forgiveness mentally. Solve this problem without his participation, sort out your soul yourself. The main thing is to sincerely realize that you are wrong.

But we must clearly understand that this is mental work - big, hard and almost always very painful. Maybe there are such advanced people who can ask for forgiveness and forgive easily and cheerfully, but I have never met such people in my life, either among the laity or among the priests. It's difficult, but necessary. Because, if we do not work through our resentment, at some point in our lives it will begin to eat us up.

In some cases, a person needs outside help. What are the options? For example, you can sort out the problem together with the person you were offended by, but only if he is sincerely ready to help you, ready to work with you. If you can’t resolve the issue between yourself, you can turn to a psychotherapist for help, who will help you look at what you can’t look at yourself.

Psychiatrist, psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy

Archpriest Pavel Velikanov answers

- Father Pavel, tell me honestly, are you a touchy person?

More likely yes than no. But I'm leaving quickly.

- What helps you not to accumulate grievances within yourself, but to quickly move away from them?

There was one situation in my life that helped me a lot. One day, a certain group of people, to whom I was quite close and always felt sympathy, condemned me. And in large numbers. One fine day I came to these people and suddenly felt that there was a stone wall between us. At first I couldn’t understand what the reason was, and I tried to somehow break through this wall. And he met with severe rejection and complete rejection. And then I found out that in fact I was simply slandered. Someone attributed something to me that didn't actually happen, and everyone else believed it. Of course, I was very offended and upset. Very much. It was a very painful blow for me.

But after a short time, a thought came to me that helped me cope with all this. I told myself: “Okay, you didn’t do that specifically. But is there really nothing in your life for which you are still ashamed? You are not sinless! And if these people found out, would they react in the same way?” And this thought made me very happy. Since then, I have a very simple attitude towards such situations: instead of asserting my truth and proving that I am not a camel, I remember that incident, smile and say to myself: “Okay, okay, so be it.”

Any offense is always a claim. The claim that you were treated wrongly, not seen, not appreciated, not understood, and so on. And, perhaps, the most offensive thing is when a loved one betrays you, when he abandons the first love he had for you and turns against you. How to react to this? It seems to me that if we begin to treat ourselves adequately, then all the reasons to demand respect and love from us will simply disappear.

The most correct relationships between people are asymmetrical relationships. When you give to others more than they give to you, and do not expect a response from them. And when you expect symmetry: “I forgave, but he doesn’t forgive me,” “I did for him, but what did he do for me?”- this is an initially distorted understanding of relationships.

That is, you should always be the first to take a step forward and not wait for another? Should we forgive even those who don’t ask us for forgiveness?

Certainly. Because in such symmetrical relationships you can only drown, nothing else. Unless you make an effort and start looking for ways to reconcile. And reconciliation begins with overcoming the resentment that sits within us. When we forgive a person even before he asks us for forgiveness, we give him a chance to change his relationship with us, we are the first to take a step forward. And if we wait until he takes this step, then it turns out that we become his hostages, we play by the rules that he has defined for us. And this, of course, is wrong. Especially for a Christian.

To forgive means to completely remove any expectations or claims towards another person. Start all over again, without backstory. Give a person one more chance and, as the Savior commands us, give this chance endlessly.

- And we, as a rule, do not leave these chances to a person.

Well, or at least most of us do. It is very difficult to give a person a chance, especially if this chance has already been given several times and was used against you. Most often, in such a situation, we give conditional forgiveness: “I’m ready to forgive you if you…”- and then begins the list of our wishes and suggestions. But true Christian forgiveness is unconditional forgiveness. When you forgive not just because it is expected of you, but because you yourself want to get rid of your resentment and do not want to live with it any longer and look at people through the prism of your own claims.

Just as God looks at us and sees in us the best that can be developed, and steps over the worst in the hope that we ourselves will break out of this skin, the shell of sin - so we are called to see only the best in others. Do not judge - and then we ourselves will not be judged.

How can we translate this unconditional forgiveness into the realm of practice? Is it right for a wife to constantly forgive her walking or drinking husband, who has already promised to improve a thousand times and every time again and again betrays her and the family? After all, many priests and psychologists today say that it is better to run away from such people...

If we translate all this into a practical plane, then everything here is very, very difficult. Yes, of course, if the husband is a chronic alcoholic, if he is a master at acting, if he is a skilled manipulator, and the whole family is his hostages, then, most likely, in this case you need to get a divorce. But forgiveness is about something else. Spouses can divorce, but the “offended party” can forgive the offender. Overcome this pain, have no complaints, forgive. But simply transfer this person from the category of the closest, dearest to the category of “others”.

Let's dwell a little on the state of resentment. Psychologists and psychotherapists say that you cannot accumulate resentment in yourself, that if you have been offended, you must, firstly, admit it to yourself, and secondly, tell the offender about it. Is this even Christian?

Tell the person: "You offended me"- This is fine. Because “I was offended” does not mean “I stopped treating you well.” It’s not at all necessary to shout after this phrase: “Get out of here so I don’t see you again!”

Therefore, I always tell my children, and my parishioners: if someone is dissatisfied with something, they should not be shy to express their dissatisfaction. There is no such virtue as shyness; there are virtues of humility, meekness and modesty. But any shyness indicates the presence of a serious internal conflict in a person. It's one thing inside and another outside. Therefore, frankness in any matter, openness and honesty, especially if it concerns family relationships, is, I think, a fundamentally important attitude. Because it’s not normal when family members are in a state of extreme alienation from each other, and everyone carries a whole bag of grievances and complaints in their bosom - while everyone can smile sweetly at each other, thinking that they are thereby maintaining peace in the family.

But in trying to be frank with each other, it is important not to go to the other extreme and not turn the family into a concentration camp of kindness and openness.

This is when everyone does nothing but rummage around in someone else’s soul, in their mind, in their heart, and as soon as someone doesn’t like something, they begin to find out: “Why are you offended? Perhaps we offended you somehow? Let's sit down and talk. All situations must be discussed carefully so that nothing accumulates!” Naturally, in such an environment, a normal person would want to send everyone to hell. And in order to avoid this extreme, first of all, we need an internal attitude to respect a person, to understand that he has the right to be different from how we want to see him, to have his own inner space.

One day a man came to confession to the Reverend Father Porfiry Kavsokalivit in order to check whether this priest was perspicacious or not. He confessed everything and did not tell only the most important thing - that he had a mistress. The elder listened to his confession, said something to him, and read a prayer of permission. And only when they began to say goodbye, the elder named the hotel where this man met his mistress, and asked him not to meet with her there again - because his daughter now works there, and if she sees this, it will be a great trauma for her . He, of course, was dumbfounded. I see two very important points here. Firstly, the elder could say: “How dare you, scoundrel, bastard, come to confession and trample on the Holy Sacrament with lies!” He didn't say anything like that. And secondly, he said this only in order to prevent an even greater disaster in this man’s life than the one into which he drove himself with his lifestyle. And here I see great respect for a person - precisely Christ’s respect and unconditional, boundless love.

Having come into contact with such love, a person will change - not immediately, but it will be real, saving, and not hypocritical, repentance - which is what happened in the case of this man after some time.

We encounter the topic of forgiveness in early childhood, when our parents teach (or force) us to ask for forgiveness. And it often happens that in the same family one child asks with ease, while another does not at all. Do you think it is possible to teach a child to ask for forgiveness sincerely?

When a person finds it difficult to ask for forgiveness, the easiest way is to say that he is proud and arrogant. But it seems to me that everything can be much more complicated. Maybe the person is simply not yet mature enough to repent. He offended someone. He knows it's wrong, but he did it. And he doesn’t want to return to this topic, it’s unpleasant to him, he doesn’t like it. There can be no talk of “sorry” in such a state. After all, saying “I’m sorry” means taking responsibility: you are building a relationship with the one you offended on some other level.

If we go back to childhood, what is it like? "sorry" by a child who did something inappropriate? Any child can tell his mother: "I won't do this again." Did he ask for forgiveness or not? I don't think so. He understands that he violated his mother’s demands - but at the same time he does not feel guilty, does not worry that his action primarily brings pain to his mother. But if he understands this, he will definitely ask for forgiveness. And even if he doesn't say "I won't do this again" he will not repeat his act just because he does not want to hurt his mother again.

Therefore, I never demand that my children mechanically tell me “I’m sorry.” Maybe I'm doing it wrong, maybe it's manipulation, but I think it's right. I usually tell the children: “I really don’t like the way you acted. It upsets me very much that you fight and offend each other.” That is, I let them know that they did not just break some law, but committed an act directed against me.

In Orthodox circles you can often hear the word “forgive”, but it is not always accompanied by sincere repentance. Why do you think this is so?

It seems to me because we don’t always understand how much the word “sorry” actually weighs. In Orthodox circles, this word is indeed often blurred. And it must be said with mental pain, with repentance. After all, if the word "sorry" doesn’t burn through a person like real repentance, if his legs don’t give way, if he pronounces it with ease, maybe it’s better not to say it?..

I think it's a marker of the present "sorry"- this is his "difficulty". If you hurt someone, you must work hard, you must think about how you can reduce this pain, even if it is a long-standing pain. And then yours "sorry" will not be an empty shock of the air, it will be supported by the fruits of your repentance. To ask for forgiveness means not only to admit your guilt, but also to somehow testify that something has changed in you. And if this word is like a dog barking, what good is your "sorry"?

And, of course, the present "sorry" it is impossible without humility, without the fact that you again discover your obscenity, sinfulness and through this “forgive” you try to break through them.

You just mentioned long-standing grievances. Our reader asks the question: what to do if you feel that you should ask for forgiveness for something you did once upon a time, but you are afraid of causing pain, pushing someone to resent yourself, or ruining someone’s life?

There can be no universal answer here. Situations can be very different. Sometimes it seems that some old wounds have already healed, that there is no need to stir up the past, but in fact it turns out that these mental traumas determine the current state of affairs. In another case, a person, by apologizing, can become a source of temptation and destroy the inner world of another. Although even here, only an experienced priest with sufficient immersion in the life of a person who is tormented by this issue can understand what will actually happen, creation or destruction. And one can be tormented very, very much by this question, for years and decades: after all, there are cases when people cannot die until they ask someone for forgiveness. Apparently, the Lord loves them so much that he does not allow them to go into eternity with a load of guilt. And these are very significant cases: it means that our forgiveness really matters.

Therefore, I think that questions about long-standing grievances should be resolved with the participation of not only the person himself, but also his confessor. The main criterion, in my opinion, here should be the concept of benefit: is it useful for a person to hear this, or will it only destroy his inner world.

Do you think that today, due to the specifics of our time, asking for forgiveness and forgiving is more difficult? Or has it always been difficult?

Most likely, this topic has always been complex and relevant, because the person a hundred, five hundred, and three thousand years ago was the same. And the passions that raged in ancient people also rage in us, they do not disappear anywhere. But I will assume that the peculiarity of our time is that relationships between people are becoming superficial, irresponsible, short-lived, without observing many principles that were previously observed by default.

A simple example: 15 years ago it was considered the norm for a girl to marry as a virgin, but now this is rapidly disappearing. This superficiality, in my opinion, dilutes the very meaning of the relationship. And where the relationship is superficial, it seems to me that the topic of forgiveness sounds completely different.

And, of course, the ideas of our contemporaries are largely determined by the background created by the media, endless TV series, etc., where there is a continuous stream of all sorts of grievances, forgiveness, new connections, novels, and so on. This background creates the feeling that everything in life flows, changes, everything is impermanent - and that this is wonderful: it didn’t work out here, I’ll try there. And so on ad infinitum. What attempts to truly ask for forgiveness or sincerely forgive can be discussed here?..

But in reality, the circle of people with whom we communicate throughout our lives is not so large. Much smaller than it seems to a fifteen-year-old teenager. And it turns out that those with whom a person could build long-term relationships that create him and are useful to him are deliberately thrown out of this circle.

- Father Paul, what stories from your pastoral ministry related to forgiveness or, conversely, unforgiveness?
Do you particularly remember them?

There was one very terrible situation: two spouses, my parishioners, lost a child due to the fault of one woman. And they were able to truly forgive her. In words, they forgave her immediately, because for her it was a terrible personal tragedy. But pain and alienation continued to live in their hearts for a very long time. But over time, it became clear that they stepped over this pain and really forgave this woman.

But most often I come across a situation where a person cannot forgive for something... himself. And this is a big problem. A distortion in the experience of sin as, first of all, your terrible and unforgivable guilt - and not your personal misfortune, not your bleeding wound - can easily lead to a painful fixation on guilt and thereby - the rejection of real repentance as a decisive step forward, a breakthrough to God - and to yourself - the real one. We must never forget that Christ is the Savior and Healer, and not an Avenger lying in wait for a sinner in a dark place!

When we say: I am so bad and there is no forgiveness for me, we thereby do not allow God to enter our lives, we try to manipulate Him, we dare not allow the Savior to save us. “Now I don’t forgive myself, and You, Lord, don’t dare forgive me, because I don’t forgive myself!” I see this as very subtle pride - and a crafty refusal to work to overcome one’s sinfulness. In the Gospel parable about the called and the chosen, there is one mysterious character - someone who turned up at the feast not wearing wedding clothes and was therefore thrown out. It seems to me that this is a good illustration of unforgiveness of oneself: a person, out of subtle pride, refuses to cover up his unworthiness with festive clothes, which are given to everyone who crosses the threshold of the royal palace. Rich clothes for the royal feast are, of course, an image of Divine mercy, by “putting on” which a person can only enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

It seems to me that until we learn to forgive ourselves, we will not be able to forgive others. By understanding our weakness, we begin to understand other people. The holy fathers have such an image that all the sins of the world, collected together, are nothing more than a small grain of sand that drowns in the abyss of the ocean of Divine love. Even if this grain of sand is the size of a cobblestone of several tons, it will still be nothing compared to the ocean. When you understand this, it is easier for you to accept yourself and other people, no matter what sins they may have committed.

- Are there people in your life who have become an example for you in the ability to forgive?

Eat. One of these people, I won’t mention his name, is an administrator. And for me it is very important that if suddenly his subordinate completely fails some important task, then this person removes him from work in this area, but at the same time in no way changes his attitude towards this subordinate as a person, he does not identify the person and the function that was assigned to him. And for me this is a very strong example of the fact that one should not confuse the importance of an individual and a person’s ability to participate in a particular process of some institution or organization.

And, of course, a great example for me was Archimandrite Kirill (Pavlov), who for many years was the confessor of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. During all the time he was here, with a huge number of people who passed through him with their everyday stories and problems, I never saw him offended by anyone. Even if people acted dishonestly towards him, he never distanced himself from them, he gave them the full right to use their freedom and do as they saw fit, despite the fact that these actions, from his point of view, were completely wrong and unacceptable. He did not try with his own strength, with his authority to influence the situation, to break the will of others with his own. And I know that this is often what caused people to change and repent. And if he began to demand, punish, take an active part, play by the rules that this man set with his wicked act, I think such a result would not have happened. And this again is about boundless respect for the freedom of others and the right of others to do things differently than you want.

I also remember a story from the New Athos Patericon. Once in one monastery it turned out that someone was stealing melons at night. The monastery is small, everyone knows each other. Who could have done this? And so one monk decided to set up an ambush at night and find out who was stealing and eating these melons. In the morning, the joyful monk runs to the elder and says to him: “I know who our thief is!” To which the elder answers him: “If you are going to go look for a thief next time, I beg you to hide so that he does not notice you - so that you do not confuse his conscience.” Do you understand? He cares about this thief just as much as he cares about the one who is trying to catch him. He waits until the one who stole comes to repentance. And for me this is the pinnacle of pedagogical wisdom and fortitude, the absolute desire to completely and completely entrust the fate of man and my own destiny into the hands of God, with one hundred percent confidence that He will correct the situation much better than us. The Greeks have a wonderful saying on this topic: “If God loves a thief, he also loves the owner.”

- Could you recommend any books about forgiveness?

First of all, I would recommend one book, my favorite - the Gospel, where Christ Himself, throughout His life, perfectly shows what it means to forgive. When Judas comes to betray Christ, He would seem to be able to say: “What a bastard you are! You walked with us for so many years, ate at the same table with us, and now you’re raising your heel against Me, such rubbish!” But He didn't say that. He says with pain and sorrow: “ Judas! Do you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?(Luke 22:48). Or at the Last Supper, when Christ says to his disciples: “ One of you will betray Me."(Matthew 26:21) He does not point his finger at Judas and say: “Can you imagine, Judas is now going to go betray Me!” The Savior says nothing, He does not denounce Judas, although Judas understands that Christ knows everything. And I think this is again amazing evidence that God does not force anything on anyone. He always creates conditions, but in these conditions He reserves for the person himself the full right to choose how to behave and what to do. Although sometimes He denounces the Pharisees and Sadducees very harshly. There are times in life when to do otherwise, that is, to remain silent, would be simply wrong. For example, spouses have been married for decades and yet cannot directly tell each other about some fundamentally important things simply because they are afraid of offending each other. A husband may praise the porridge he hates with the best of intentions - so as not to upset his wife, and thereby turn life together into torment. Why? Because there is no frankness, there is only the fear of offending another by telling him what you really think.

And here we come to an interesting topic. When a person knows how to love and forgive, he communicates much more freely with other people. He does not become a hostage to such an intricate scheme in which I cannot tell you that I am offended, because if I say, then you will be offended by me and will also understand that I am also offended by you. But when a person loves another, he can always tell him the truth to his face, even bitter, even biting, but say it in such a way that the other person will not be offended. But for this, every word must be saturated with great love - Christ’s love.

I am sure that you, like any woman, have had situations in your life when a loved one did something wrong, made a serious mistake - but for some reason does not ask for forgiveness for it, does not admit his guilt. And today we will talk about why this happens.
First, a few introductory remarks. You need to determine what type of character your man is. Look carefully what it is like:

strong, brave, active

or soft, caring, sensitive.

What does he value most important - self-realization or loved ones?

I am sure that you already have answers to these questions.

Now we will not talk in detail about each of these types, but we will note how their main features affect the recognition of their mistakes.

So, the inability and unwillingness to ask for forgiveness is most characteristic of strong, active, and strong-willed men. They move forward boldly and confidently and rarely pay attention to their mistakes. As they say, we got up and moved on.

But men are softer by nature, more sensitive and deep, often easily admitting their guilt. But it happens that they also close. Why is this happening?

At the very beginning of the relationship, they quickly admit their mistakes, but if misunderstanding, constant quarrels and reproaches reign in your relationship, they find it difficult to make contact, close in on themselves and it is also quite difficult to draw them out for a frank conversation.

Therefore, no matter what type of character your beloved man is, he is still often inclined to keep conclusions and apologies to himself.

And now we will figure out why they are silent when we are waiting for their apologies and confessions.

So, what's the matter?

Firstly, men don’t like to talk about their mistakes, because it’s a blow to their self-esteem and male pride.

Everyone knows that it is more difficult for men to admit their mistakes and make contact. But it’s all the more difficult for him openly admit.

Even if a man in the depths of his soul understood and realized his mistakes, he will not tell anyone about it. Often men motivate this as follows: “the main thing is that I understood it myself.”

That is, the man realized the mistake, decided not to do that again - and that’s all. There is absolutely no need to talk about this anymore, because the decision has been made. This is men's logic.

Of course, although he will not talk about it openly, you can see the conclusions drawn from his behavior. But we'll talk about this next time.

It is very important to understand that it is difficult for a man to feel and openly show his weakness, his imperfections and shortcomings, and even more so to admit them to you. After all, he wants to be your knight, your hero. Therefore, we will not force his confession. In the next article we will talk about how to do this gently and unobtrusively.

Secondly, men don’t like to express their emotions and feelings, share their inner experiences, and don’t like emotional conversations.

Why? This is a feature of male psychology: all the emotions of men are hidden inside and their natural manifestation is not typical for men. Rarely do men talk about relationships, their experiences or what they have realized. Their feelings can often be guessed only by deeds or brief confessions.

It is likely that if you can build a strong, trusting relationship, your man will be ready to reveal his feelings, show his emotional experiences, talk about his mistakes, what he has realized.

This is often possible at the very beginning of a relationship, and also if the man has made some very serious mistake - and he is very afraid of losing you. In this case, he may decide to openly confess and ask for forgiveness. But these are rather exceptions to the rule.

And in the vast majority of cases, we need to remember the folk wisdom: “men don’t cry.”

The third reason which we have already mentioned in passing above, - this is a misunderstanding in your relationship, constant conflicts and quarrels.

Here we need to remember that men often avoid a serious conversation if they know that they will be criticized, condemned, or scolded.

Despite all the apparent restraint and indifference, men are very vulnerable creatures. And they, too, are hurt by our hurtful words and tears, because all this tells them that we don’t love them. And they just avoid it all.

Closely related to this reason is the following.

Fourthly, if a man knows that he is not the only one to blame.

If there is a difficult period in your relationship right now, if you often quarrel, if you demand a lot from your loved one, then he can take some actions, even serious mistakes, and not feel guilty. After all, both are to blame for a difficult period in a relationship.

This means that a man can partially relieve himself of responsibility for a mistake he has made when he feels reproaches, dissatisfaction, demands and complaints directed towards him. Our negative behavior is often its justification, because here too we behave “not ideally”.

Why then should he be the one to ask for forgiveness and feel guilty?

In any case, getting some kind of recognition here or just at least making him feel guilty will be much more difficult. Therefore, be patient and do not give him a reason to abdicate responsibility. Try to stay on top, even if it’s difficult and painful for you. Only in this way will he think about his actions and be ready to admit his mistakes.

And the last one, fifth reason. If we really expect his apology, then in 99 cases out of a hundred we will not receive one.

After all, men always feel our desire, our hidden demand, even if we don’t directly talk about it. If you openly demand something from men, then they close themselves even more, and may even begin to act the other way around.

That is, if they feel that obliged to do something - they will try to get away from this situation, to escape.

After all, their masculine nature simply resists acting on someone’s orders, even if they themselves understand that they need to ask for forgiveness.

Trying to make amends for their guilt, they may decide to make an indirect confession: that is, they will express their feelings through action, concern for you.

We will talk about how to gently guide your man to admit his mistakes in the next article. And now we just need to make a small reservation.

Now we have looked at the reasons why men rarely ask for forgiveness for mistakes they have made, even if they are aware of their guilt. And now I would like to say a few words about what if your man doesn’t even understand that he hurt you, said something wrong, or made some mistake.

This is due not only to the fact that your man is bad, does not understand you at all and deliberately hurts you. Although often these are the conclusions we come to in such situations. Very often a man does something not on purpose, without even realizing that it can hurt us and cause a wave of our resentment and discontent.

And we have to understand that not only male and female psychology is very different, but each of us is a unique, inimitable person, with his own special set of character traits, with his own “sore spots.”

And you need to learn to talk about this with each other, explaining to your loved one how and what you perceive, why this situation gives you pain. Talk about your feelings, gently and calmly. This is the only way your man will be able to hear you and understand the course of your thoughts and feelings. It’s not for nothing that they say: “another’s soul is darkness.”

So come out into the light, share, talk to each other about your feelings. But remember that men cannot talk about these topics for a long time. They need time to understand and rethink everything.

I sincerely believe that you can understand your beloved man and forgive him, even if he does not directly ask for forgiveness. The main thing is that he himself realizes everything and tries to do this more.

There has been a permanent section on the Foma magazine website for a long time. Each reader can receive a personal answer from the priest. But some of the questions cannot be answered in one letter - they require a detailed conversation. Some time ago one of these questions came to us - () . We asked Archpriest Pavel Velikanov to answer the question - , selected examples, and also asked psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy to answer a question.

Konstantin answers Olkhova, psychiatrist, psychotherapist

The topics of resentment, guilt and forgiveness are huge, even endless, and there are a great many books, articles, and lectures on them. Here I will talk about those things that are important for everyone to know.

Unforgiven grievances - pain points in the human soul

How often are we told that offenses must be forgiven. And, it seems, this should be an obvious thing, especially for a Christian who understands the importance of forgiveness. But why in the vast majority of cases does a psychotherapist encounter the topic of one or another unforgiveness in his work? With unforgiveness that prevents a person from living, with unprocessed grievances that burn out a person’s soul.

Often we approach the topic of forgiveness formally: we say “I forgive” without sincerely forgiving. We pretend that we have forgiven, formally following social and religious “norms and rules.” We do not open the abscess, but drive it deep inside. But the abscess is not going anywhere. So grievances are ulcers hidden deep inside that may not hurt for some time, but in the end they still begin to put pressure, cause “inflammation,” etc. A classic example is children’s grievances against parents hidden from themselves, often quite fair. Moreover, to the insult itself there is also added a feeling of guilt for the insult, which can be more painful than the pain itself: “After all, parents are sacred! They must be read! How can you be offended by them!” And again and again we try to suppress this offense, not realizing that suppression does not heal, but only drives the problem inside. But reverence does not mean that there is no need to sort out your pain and resentment associated with your parents.

In almost every person lives an unforgiven grudge

Unforgiven grievances are one of the most common problems in marital relationships, when family life turns into an ever-increasing ball of mutual grievances. Over time, when this lump reaches gigantic proportions, it almost inevitably leads to the destruction of the marriage. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a legally formalized divorce or a formal cohabitation of strangers, hostile people.

But there are also completely “strange” grievances, grievances that most people do not admit to themselves. About which they will say: “This is definitely not about me! This is impossible, disgusting, disgusting and immoral!” I'm talking about resentment towards loved ones because they... died. It sounds very strange. But ask yourself: “Am I not offended that I was abandoned? Am I offended by a parent, a spouse, a child, a deceased person close to me - because he left me here alone, because he hurt me so much by leaving?” The mind will scream that this is nonsense, that your loved one is not to blame for the fact that he died, that he did not want to leave you alone. But someone small and unhappy inside us knows that the right words do not make him feel better, that pain and resentment live on. From my own experience, I will say that almost all people who have experienced a loss have this resentment, in one form or another.

Don't be afraid to confess

If something really hurt you, don’t hesitate to admit it, first of all, to yourself. Any attempt to get away from resentment by saying, “Well, it’s okay, I’m not offended at all,” or “Well, I forgave a long time ago,” will only push the abscess inside. No - “I’m offended, I’m very offended and very bad.” Only by allowing yourself to feel this can you get out of the state of (overt or hidden) resentment.

Don't save!

This is a very important point. If you are offended by a person, it is better to immediately tell him about it and try to figure out the problem together. Don’t accumulate five, ten, a hundred grievances within yourself. The more there are, the more difficult it is to deal with them later.

Formal "I'm sorry - I forgive you" without genuine forgiveness doesn't make sense

What do we mean by the word “forgive”? Forget and pretend that nothing happened? Just as before, rejoice at the person who hurt you?.. From a psychotherapeutic point of view, to forgive means to let go. That is, not to experience pain, worries, anger, rage towards a person.

If you feel like some unforgiven resentment (incoming or outgoing) is gnawing at you, try to sincerely let it go. Yes, this is working with your soul. “That’s it, I don’t want to be offended anymore, because it makes me feel bad, not the person I’m offended by, it devours me and doesn’t let me live.”

The problem is that people very often ask for forgiveness or forgive formally: “Oh, forgive me, please” - “Oh, come on, I’m not offended by you.” But there is no real letting go of the problem. Believe me, formal “I’m sorry” doesn’t work.

Should I forgive those who doesn't ask for forgiveness?

Forgive. But how? Will saying “I must forgive” solve the problem? No. After all, what is resentment? This is our reaction to actions that hurt our weak point. But if we simply tell ourselves that “we must forgive the offense,” then our weak point will not go away. We will remain his hostage. But if we tell ourselves that we want to forgive, then we will have to find the source of resentment within ourselves. We will have to find this weak point, we will have to work on it. And then the resentment will be released, because it will have no point of application left. And our soul will become a little freer.

And if a person doesn't want your forgiveness?

It is important to understand that there is always some kind of psychological game behind the phrase “I have never asked anyone for forgiveness.” Why does a person not admit his guilt, what benefit does he derive from this? Therefore, if this is not a person very close to you, it is better to formalize further communication. Not to punish him, but to protect himself. What about your loved ones? We can fight for our loved one by knocking on his heart again and again. And - to reach out. Or... retreat, realizing that this is no longer close.

You don’t have to say this out loud, you have to say it to yourself. A person has done this once or several times and does not consider that he did wrong. So he can do it again, and I have to be ready for it. I don’t hold it against him or be angry, but I just know that this could happen again. Just like I don’t hold a grudge against a thunderstorm, hurricane or earthquake, but at the same time I understand that they pose a danger to me, and I try to somehow protect myself.

Ask for forgiveness not only with words

Don't forget that there are people who find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness with words. Maybe a person doesn’t want to be offended, but he simply cannot say these three cherished words. But often such people try to show with all their appearance and actions that they were wrong - and thereby apologize to us. Does this count as a request for forgiveness? I think yes. Such behavior often carries much more weight than words, which again lead us to the problem of formalism: “Oh, did I break your leg? Well, excuse me, please."

It is very important to learn admit you're wrong

Our reader fears: “You seem to feel that you are obliged to ask for forgiveness, although perhaps you are only partly to blame. But what if a person perceives your request for forgiveness as an admission of your surrender?

On the one hand, we are most likely again dealing with some kind of distorted relationship. Why are you so afraid that your apology will be perceived as capitulation? Don’t you think that if in response to your apology you expect the person to say: “Yeah, you capitulated!”, this means that your relationship is developing in some scandalous and destructive way? Do you really need this? Isn't this a reason to radically change the relationship?

On the other hand, it often happens that a person is absolutely right in content, but wrong in form. If, for example, you didn’t like something in the behavior of another and you made an ugly scandal about it, yelled so much that the person left in tears, of course, you should say: “Sorry, I made a terrible scandal, I absolutely do not right But at the same time, I still don’t like the behavior to which I reacted so stupidly and ugly.”

It is important for any child and adult to learn to admit their mistakes. You are not required to completely admit your guilt for everything. If you feel like you've done something wrong, you need to ask for forgiveness for specific things. And when you sincerely admit your mistake, when you jointly analyze why this happened, how to fix it, how not to repeat it in the future - this is much more effective for both you and those around you than simply shouting: “I’m to blame, forgive me, I'm sorry!" This is what a healthy relationship is - when people try to work through the situation, understand what caused the conflict and sort out their mistakes.

Removing a stone from the soul, don't hurt others

There is such a saying, and it best answers the last question of our reader. If you have once caused harm to a person that he does not know about, if you feel that you are to blame for him, but you are afraid with your words to hurt him, to destroy his family or even his life, if the situation is already irreparable, ask him for forgiveness mentally. Solve this problem without his participation, sort out your soul yourself. The main thing is to sincerely realize that you are wrong.

Remember: grievances are not inevitable! You can work with them and cope

But we must clearly understand that this is mental work - big, hard and almost always very painful. Maybe there are such advanced people who can ask for forgiveness and forgive easily and cheerfully, but I have never met such people in my life, either among the laity or among the priests. It's difficult, but necessary. Because if we don’t work through our resentment, at some point in our lives it will begin to eat us up.

Not with every insult you can handle it alone

In some cases, a person needs outside help. What are the options? For example, you can sort out the problem together with the person you were offended by, but only if he is sincerely ready to help you, ready to work with you. If you can’t resolve the issue between yourself, you can turn to a psychotherapist for help, who will help you look at what you can’t look at yourself.

Good afternoon We have been living with my husband for 2 years, we are the same age, we are 32 years old, both have second marriages and each has children from their first marriages, no children together. Everything in the family is harmonious, the children are friends. About us: my husband as a person - sociable, strong, smart, assertive - knows how to defend his point of view to the last, and I am less persistent, more kind and compliant. Perhaps this is the problem. We swear rarely, but accurately... and most often over stupid things. He is a very explosive person, he gets angry if something is not to his liking, he can be rude and forget, i.e. never apologizes first))) is beneath his dignity, even when he is wrong and understands it, does not admit his guilt. He often says that you yourself encountered rudeness. I, as a wiser woman who wants to save the marriage, apologize, step on my own throat, pride and go for reconciliation. I’ll cry enough, catch my breath and start the conversation first. His answer is standard - I have already forgotten and forgiven everything!!!, i.e. in any case, he forgave... even though he is to blame, he only blames me. In his opinion, he is always right, and my ideas or advice are bullshit!!! In our quarrels, there is everyone’s fault and I don’t at all relieve myself of the blame, but how to teach a person to understand at least a little that he is to blame and teach him to ask for forgiveness. He never feels sorry for me if I cry... it only infuriates him, in his opinion I shouldn’t cry at all - he attributes this all to hysteria and quirks. I attribute most of his behavior to his hysterical wife (5 years of a circus in her life, hysterics, fits, screams - she threw his things from the balconies, fainted herself, threw dishes). Has life with her really made him this way or is it the character of the person. I love him terribly, but in such moments of indifference I hate him!!! How to bring him to the point that sometimes you need to be able to ask for forgiveness? Or does this smack of indifference towards me, no love?! After all, if a person loves and values ​​relationships, he will always step over his pride and say “I’m sorry.” I don’t know what I should do...And there’s also a problem - he doesn’t know how to listen and we never have heart-to-heart conversations. I could always calmly talk to my ex-husband about any family quarrel, i.e. We sort of analyzed the situation...he spoke out, and then I. But here there is no such thing, I have not been able to approach it from any direction for two years now. Sometimes you want to talk out, but he leaves or is rude... does not accept any conversations. It’s very difficult for me how to reach him, please help me with advice

Hello, Julia! let's look at what's going on:

He is a very explosive person, he gets angry if something is not to his liking, he can be rude and forget, i.e. never apologizes first)))

Sometimes you want to talk out, but he leaves or is rude... does not accept any conversations

Have you talked about your feelings? WITHOUT throwing messages outside in a conversation (YOU-messages), namely, feelings emanating from YOU (I-messages)? those. Does your spouse KNOW that it hurts YOU, that it is not pleasant? because only when a person KNOWS about this does HE realize whether he does it consciously, knowing that the partner is unpleasant or stops himself in order to respect the feelings of the other!!! and this already speaks of attitude!

and here it is important to explore your behavioral stereotypes, the style of constructing a conversation in order to adjust and see your partner!

but in general - this generally says that the person devalues ​​you and your feelings, disrespects you, does not see you as a partner, and does NOT accept you! It is more important for him to cherish his grievance and engage in self-affirmation at your expense than to build relationships on equal terms!

I, as a wiser woman who wants to save the marriage, apologize, step on my own throat, my pride and go for reconciliation.

and thereby you show that you DO NOT respect yourself, that you are ready to accept such an attitude towards yourself, which is what he does! in the end - what do you save??? family? Hardly! You are only reinforcing stereotypes of behavior and attitudes towards you, you are only suppressing yourself, BUT NOT straightening out relationships!

Julia, if you really decide to figure out what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!