What is love? Why do we destroy our relationships ourselves? What is the main cause of family conflicts? How to regain affection, trust, intimacy and stop quarreling over trifles? Clinical psychology professor Sue Johnson answers these questions in her book, Hold Me Tight. And this is what she says.
Many people believe that an adult must be self-sufficient and independent. The image of an invulnerable and undaunted warrior who alone stands in the way of life’s dangers and adversities has been cultivated in society for too long.
But do not underestimate the role of love and reliable, trusting relationships with loved ones. The need for a strong emotional connection is embedded in our genes and bodies. It is as important to life, happiness and health as food, safety or sex.
We need support. To deny this is reckless and even dangerous. Research shows that a secure and strong relationship with a loved one makes us happier and healthier, strengthens our self-confidence, increases our self-esteem, reduces stress and improves our ability to cope with challenges.
People often do not see or understand that the lion's share of quarrels and conflicts is, in fact, a protest of partners against emotional disconnection. When engaged in battle, men and women seem to ask each other: “Can I rely on you? Are you with me? Do I mean anything to you? Do you value me? Do you accept? Do you need me? Do you trust me?"
All the anger, irritation, criticism and demands are actually a cry of despair. This is an attempt to reach loved ones. Awaken their hearts. Return the emotional response and restore the previous feeling of safe intimacy.
Sometimes our feelings are hurt by some little thing. For example, a lover did not answer the call, forgot to tell about an event that was significant to him, or came home late from work. The fact is that we can perceive such actions as a manifestation of indifference and alienation of a loved one, and this, according to scientists, causes us no less acute pain than a serious physical injury.
As a rule, instead of describing our emotions, explaining to our partner why his behavior alarmed us, and asking for support, we begin to find fault with him and shower him with reproaches. After all, no one likes to admit their own weakness.
Development of the conflict
If partners do not try to restore trust, talk sincerely about their feelings and understand each other, then they find themselves in a terrible vicious circle: their reactions provoke even more negative responses and emotions. Relationships become more destructive, resentment and disunity grow.
Researchers identify three destructive behaviors that make the situation worse.
1. "Find the culprit"- a dead-end pattern that quickly and effectively destroys a love relationship. Partners who embark on this path are guaranteed to distance themselves from each other.
The goal of this behavior pattern is to protect oneself, but all means come down to mutual accusations, attacks and reproaches. The “Find the Blame” pattern could just as well be called “It’s not me, it’s all you!”
In many couples, this model is activated for a short time. In most cases, “Find the Blame” serves as a brief prelude to the “Negative Dance” - the most common and difficult to overcome process of dissociation.
2. "Negative Dance" One partner in this model criticizes and attacks, while the other defends and withdraws. The stronger the alienation of the second, the more desperate and caustic the verbal attacks of the first.
This pattern of behavior is also called "pursuit-withdrawal" or "criticism-avoidance." At its core lies a deep problem: partners experience extreme emotional hunger. Both feel left out. And they desperately cry out for attention and care.
Washington University psychologist John Gottman has proven that spouses stuck in this type of behavior have an 80% chance of divorcing within 4-5 years.
3. “Freeze - run”, or “disengagement - suspension”. This is the last stage, which is often followed by a break in the relationship. Partners who take too long with the “Negative Dance” at some point lose hope and give up. They try to freeze feelings and needs, distance themselves and fall into numbness. Both retreat, fleeing pain and despair.
How to “fix” love: brief instructions
1. Realize that intimacy and affection are basic needs for everyone. We all expect an emotional response and a sense of belonging from our lovers. There's nothing wrong with that.
2. Instead of fighting each other, try to recognize the common enemy - destructive patterns of behavior. Discuss the harmful spiral in which your relationship develops, rather than specific actions and words. Please refrain from mutual accusations.
4. Tell each other about your vulnerabilities. Some situations, carelessly thrown words, awkward actions hurt us especially strongly. Almost everyone has “sore spots” formed in past or present relationships. Very often they come from childhood.
Even a light touch on an unhealed mental wound evokes strong emotions. But your partner may not even know about your sore spot until you tell him about it.
5. Learn to respond sensitively to your partner's emotions. It is the lack of responsiveness that destroys relationships, not the level of development of the conflict. Knowing that a loved one is nearby and will rush to the rescue at the first call, we feel more confident and stop doubting our importance.
More useful tips - in the book
Probably everyone will find a number of their own answers to this question. Many people will have the same answers. Let's try to highlight the main reasons why people swear.
Why do people fight with each other?
Unsettledness. First of all, these are financial issues. All people are concerned about material wealth, but not everyone has the desire, patience, to work and achieve the desired financial well-being. Sometimes you don't have enough luck to get the right job and earn a lucrative income. Man is designed in such a way that when he is given one thing, it is not enough and he wants even more. There is always a desire for better. When this desire completely absorbs a person and does not allow him to think about anything else, then conflict situations arise. A constantly oppressive feeling does not allow a person to relax and gradually throws him out of balance.
Uncertainty. No one can be completely confident in the future, and even more so living in our country, where social and other kinds of guarantees are poorly implemented. Today you work, receive a stable income, and tomorrow you come to your workplace, and they politely and politely tell you that your services are not needed. Immediately there is uncertainty about where to go and what to do next. Again, as in the first case, a gnawing feeling arises, haunting first the person himself, and then all the people around him. People argue and start quarreling. When we are unable to solve problems on our own, we begin to get angry and try to blame others for our failures, although they are often not to blame.
Personal life. Many people suffer from the lack of personal happiness. The situation worsens even more when those around you begin to remind you of your problems. In fact, a person already knows and worries, even if he does not show it about his personal life. But when he is reminded of her disorder, it irritates him and leads to conflict.
These are the most general reasons why people swear. You can name more than a dozen, but they will all be derived from the above. When a conflict situation arises, try to take into account the following: no one benefits from a quarrel, neither the one who started it nor the accused. It’s just that in the end people’s nerves are spoiled and time was wasted. It is best to sit down at the negotiating table and discuss what does not suit whom, then maybe the problem will not turn out to be so global and the right solution will be found.
- Starting a conversation about swearing, let us clarify that we are not talking about those people who can swear in their hearts once a year, but about those who pepper their entire speech with swear words. These people are clearly different from those who do not swear. What psychological reasons might push them to do this?
These psychological reasons are easy to understand based on our common experience. What is mat as a language institute? This is some kind of taboo part of the language, that is, a language that cannot be spoken. Strange: why should there be a language that cannot be spoken? It exists, but you can’t speak it. If you think about this contradiction, then purely logically it becomes clear: it is needed to show that I am breaking through this cultural barrier, I do not take it into account. That's how powerful I am, that's how cool I am, that's how independent I am!
This is a tool that regulates relationships. We can say that swearing in people is an analogue of growling in animals, a warning signal: I am unsafe.
People swear more often when their need for protection and self-affirmation increases. This is not due to lack of culture or excess strength. On the contrary, this is a spasm of self-doubt, this is a state in which a person especially greedily resorts to the external attributes of his importance. Simply put, the more scared people are, the more they swear!
We get scared for a variety of reasons. From the transcripts of the “black boxes” it is known: the last thing the pilots say, having managed to understand the inevitability of death, is not the word “end”, but its obscene analogue.
But you are asking about other people who swear for seemingly no apparent reason. In such cases, the reason is another fear, truly invisible and not recognized by the “foul-mouthed” themselves, but strong: this is the fear of one’s own lack of self-sufficiency, the unconscious fear that “I am bad” and that punishment awaits me for this.
There is another idea about why people swear: this is the idea of a “bad example” from which all parents want to protect their children. It seems that if a child hears “a lot of new words” from a friend, he will want to imitate him and will also start swearing.
This is a superficial idea. After all, this example of swearing (and any other aggression) is presented to more or less all children and adolescents in the world. But everyone follows it differently, everyone submits to it with different pliability. And people who lack self-confidence follow it with great enthusiasm. The less the feeling of self-sufficiency, the greater the desire to pass as one of your own.
- But there are examples of coolness and self-sufficiency of a completely different kind. There are intelligent, smart people. Why, out of all the examples of coolness, would-be swearers choose this kind of coolness?
Coolness is important for them precisely as physical external protection. After all, they are scared!
Once again let's return to the nature of swearing. What impression does this language make on us? First of all, the impression of increased aggressiveness. The distance from swearing to a blow is much shorter than from the correct phrase: “Well, Vasilich, you surprised me” (as in the famous joke). And so frightened people swear vigorously. Like, don’t touch me, otherwise I’ll hit you. And therefore for children who feel unprotected, subject to deservedly mistreatment of oneself, it is such a tempting shield.
- Can we assume that factors such as insufficient vocabulary influence? The person does not know how to express his thought or emotion. And so he resorts to these words. The following connection is possible: a person hasn’t read enough books, so he doesn’t have enough purely expressive means?
No, there is no such direct connection. If a psychologically intact person does not have enough words to express some subtle feeling or describe some new reality, he may experience difficulties, may resort to interjections, “cursing and cursing,” but he will not have the need to swear. Moreover, swearing replaces empty spaces in an emotional sense, but not in a semantic sense; it does not help the interlocutor better understand what is actually being discussed.
In fact, there is a connection between lack of culture and swearing, but not direct, but, so to speak, indirect. The lack of words to express those very subtleties arises from the fact that the child simply does not hear these words. This is a child in whose family they talked mainly about specific material and economic topics. “Give me salt. It's already late. How many times should I tell you? But they didn’t talk about subtle feelings, didn’t admire beauty, didn’t sympathize with other people’s grief. This means that in that family they did not talk about the feelings of the child himself, and they did not sympathize with his experiences. This is how the child’s self-doubt, a feeling of rejection, is formed, which then provokes him to “defense himself.”
- Do you mean an unfavorable environment in psychological and moral terms, or the fact that those around you swear, and it’s like an infection?
It's the same thing. Outwardly, it may look like the father is swearing, the neighbor is swearing, and therefore our patient is swearing. But this is not an infection that is transmitted by airborne droplets. This “infection” is transmitted differently. If the father swears, it means that he has increased aggressiveness (that is, as we understand, fear). And this, in turn, means that the father is not very accepting, he will not delve much into the condition of the child, and even his wife. Therefore, the child will feel unprotected and afraid. This will make him need to swear.
- How does the habit of swearing affect a person’s ability to maintain meaningful communication with loved ones?
It has a very strong influence, but not the swearing itself, but its origins. The same psychological reasons that provoke swearing spoil a person’s relationships with others.
For our loved ones, such communication is complete when we take part in them. When we really join them, imagine their feelings, focus on their circumstances. When we listen more than we speak.
Looking at relationships from this angle, you will immediately notice that sympathetic people swear much less than people whose participation remains mostly virtual. You will not see a person who is inclined to listen, focus on the interlocutor, and at the same time swear vigorously. These are some different images.
- That is, a person who swears experiences difficulties in close communication?
Yes. Not because he swears, but for the same reason he swears: because of lack of self-confidence. This makes him swear, and this also makes such a person less sympathetic. His own psychological discomfort is so great that it is difficult for him to focus on the discomfort of another person. Mat as a problem of speech reflects the problem of his mentality. Very rarely does a person accompany an offer to help with swearing. As a rule, swearing accompanies a refusal to help: “Fuck you... here and there.” A person who swears can be more negative for those around him, for his household.
There is another side to this problem. The life position of a foul-mouthed person is close to that of a fist fighter. But it must be said that people love or do not love themselves for exactly the same reason that they love or do not love those around them. Therefore, a fist fighter unconsciously does not love himself. He has, as psychologists say, negative self-acceptance. After all, none of us - neither intellectuals, nor notorious foul-mouthed people - none of us loves a partner who stands in front of you in a fist-fight. Therefore, when a person lives in such a situation, he develops autoimmune aggression, he does not love himself.
“It has long been our custom to protect women from swearing, to say when someone swears: “What are you doing, there are women and children here.” Can you somehow explain this psychologically?
I think this is due to two reasons. The main thing is that swearing is really a prelude to a blow, to a push, to a negative physical impact. And women and children are the first to be taken away from this blow. Another reason is that the vocabulary of obscenities is 90% related to sexual realities.
- Now we see that young girls are often not embarrassed, but swear themselves. Can you comment on this somehow?
I can’t say for sure what this is connected with, I have two assumptions. One thing is that this is a natural consequence of the general feminist movement, which, in my opinion, is destructive for human culture and the human psyche.
And the second explanation is that now swearing in general permeates the entire culture, language, including public speeches much more than it was 15-20 years ago. And, if our logic is correct that frightened people swear, then this is the result of a gigantic social breakdown, as a result of which people in general are now frightened. The old foundations of an acceptable life have been broken, and new ones have not only not yet been formed, they are not even visible on the horizon. And people are lost, so they feel an acute need for self-affirmation.
- A person has different ways to satisfy his needs. Healthy, not healthy. Here, swearing is one of the ways to satisfy the need for security and self-affirmation. Here is a man swearing. And what happens to his need?
Nothing good. It's a drug, not vitamin C.
- By the way, the word “drug” is very suitable in the context of the next question. The question is how people wean themselves off this business. We know that it is very difficult to wean yourself off the drug, and we have all met people who once swore, now they litter their language with some strange interjections, such as “la” (a piece of one obscene curse). This makes them some kind of clowns. You look, the person is mature, serious, but as soon as he starts “babbling”, the idea of him changes. Why can't they easily unlearn and speak normally?
You cite cases of purely mechanical getting rid of swearing. Mechanical, not substantive. That is, a person realized that it would be better not to swear, and begins to fight it at the level of vocabulary, and not at the level of reason. Then all sorts of euphemisms inevitably arise, one or the other. Sometimes these euphemisms look comical, sometimes quite cultural. For example, a person begins to endlessly say “as if.”
What is the meaningful fight against swearing as a drug? Indeed, this is a good analogy. Until the addict finds and feels for his correct, meaningful activity, no chemical or medical measures will be long-term. He will quickly roll back. It's the same here. Since swearing is provoked by a feeling of one’s own lack of self-sufficiency, this negativity is displaced by the search for one’s own sufficiency.
First of all, we are talking about developing your compassion, the skill of focusing on any person who appears in your field of vision. It's difficult. The more exhausted a person is, the more difficult it is, but overcoming this difficulty is his main salvation.
- Let's try to put ourselves in this person's place. He held on to the mat as if it were some kind of shell protecting him from the outside world; he was like a bristling hedgehog. And suddenly he dropped these needles, he feels so naked and defenseless. He will probably be scared, “how am I like this without swearing, everyone can offend me”? And how will his compassion help him change his attitude towards people, help him feel that they are not a threat, but on the contrary, that they may need his participation, protection, and so on?..
Usually, after a conflict situation or scandal, many people feel depressed, realizing that in general these scenes could have been avoided. Each quarrel, one way or another, leaves its mark on the relationship, and it is in our power to make sure that when remembering communication with us, loved ones experience predominantly positive emotions. It is very important to feel when a person is on the edge or when you yourself can barely restrain yourself, so that Do not throw out accumulated negativity on your interlocutor. If you nip a scandal in the bud, then it will be easier for you to realize that you have avoided a serious quarrel. However, your opponent will probably be able to appreciate your wisdom and flexibility in overcoming dangerous topics.
What is a quarrel
If you turn to Dahl's dictionary, he will give you the quite expected formulation that a quarrel should be called a noisy squabble and mutual hostility. We all know what lies behind these words, and the most vivid negative emotions that we experienced when we had to get into an argument with someone immediately emerge in our memories. It is especially unpleasant if such memories are not associated with a saleswoman in a store or a grumpy neighbor , but with people close and dear to us. It is important to understand that often the reason for a quarrel is not the specific topic that turned out to be a stumbling block for those quarreling, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Usually, people who enter into conflict situations have experienced some unpleasant emotions the day before or have simply been feeling dissatisfied with something for a long time. That is, even if in the end it is possible to resolve the conflict, this is not a guarantee that dissatisfaction with each other will remain a thing of the past. If you often begin to have misunderstandings with someone, then look for a deeper reason for this phenomenon.Common causes of quarrels
1. We can't hear each other Each interlocutor tries to convey his own position, without even allowing the thought that it might be wrong. Most often, we are so convinced that we are right that we do not try to listen to our opponent’s arguments - we are simply not interested and do not care what he says, and the person, of course, immediately feels this. He tries even harder to get his point across and things start to heat up. In this case, the one who is less flexible in conversation, considering himself right in almost everything, is to blame. 2. We don’t want to give in in a dispute and accept someone else’s truth. If you want your relationships with loved ones to develop harmoniously, it is important to learn to make compromises. Some people are simply not capable of taking such a step, considering it a kind of humiliation or personal defeat. In fact, a person who knows how to make concessions, understanding that the issue is not so fundamental and is not worth inciting hostility, is distinguished by great wisdom. Of course, this does not mean that you need to completely forget about your opinion, and agree with your opponents in everything, but if the issue is really at the level of everyday life and not overly important, then it would be quite reasonable not to spoil your nerves once again. Just calmly say: “You know my opinion, but let it be your way.” 3. Resentment, betrayal, jealousy, betrayal- Treason. Of course, such events, most often, invariably lead to conflict situations. As a rule, the one who cheated defends himself from the attacks of his other half, and at the same time it may seem that the cheater does not feel any guilt at all. This is partly true! It just so happens that betrayal rarely happens out of nowhere. Usually it is preceded by quarrels between spouses and dissatisfaction with each other. If the couple had initially identified the cause of their disagreements and tried to eliminate it, then the matter probably would not have come to an affair. Cheating is a test for any family, and often the blame for this situation lies equally with the spouses. Betrayal. If this situation is not related to love betrayal, then, of course, it is difficult for the traitor to find an excuse. Most often, the relationship is terminated after this, even if attempts were initially made to forget such an offense. Sometimes even close relatives do not make exceptions, considering betrayal to be a sufficient reason to break off contact forever. Jealousy. This problem is not so difficult to eliminate if you find its origins. Perhaps jealousy appeared after one of the couple cheated on the other. In such a situation, forecasts are most often not very optimistic. Even if the traitor has made a firm decision to remain faithful to his half, endless nagging, suspicions and hysterics can again push him to a similar step. By cheating, he was trying to solve some problem in the relationship, and, most likely, jealousy and control will also become a problem for him. We also must not forget that the party who experienced the betrayal will eventually understand that he cannot forgive this act, which will also result in a break in the relationship. Grievances. If the grievances are minor and sometimes seem to be completely groundless, it is worth looking for a major problem that gave rise to these troubles. Most likely, having failed to agree on some important issue and “hushed up” it, the parties (or one side) remained dissatisfied with each other, and subconsciously this dissatisfaction spread to other areas.
Why do both friends and girlfriends sometimes fight?
Oddly enough, many people are usually more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends and girlfriends than of their other halves. However, even long-time comrades are sometimes forced to face conflict situations. Often their cause can be the opposite sex. And yet, this reason more often appears in the company of very young people, or if the friendship began recently. True friends usually put friendship above fleeting acquaintances and affairs, of course, unless we are talking about the love of their lives. Often, the cause of conflicts among friends and girlfriends can be a money issue. When one friend always invests more in some feast, meetings and various events, this situation begins to upset and irritate him. Subsequently, one person begins to feel that he is being taken advantage of, and the second believes that the offended person regretted something for him, which turns into a conflict.Frequent quarrels with parents
Most often, young people quarrel with their parents because they are overly protective of them and are trying to somehow influence their decisions. There may be a flip side - an adult son or daughter decides that their parents provide them with too little financial support and attention. In both cases, it is not difficult to understand the parents. Moms and dads who want to be an integral part of the life of their son or daughter simply cannot or do not want to move to another level of relationship. They are used to being mentors for their children, they liked this role, and they do not imagine that this can somehow be changed, and in general they do not see the point in this, because they “have much more life experience”! If you have such parents, you should be more tolerant of this, and not start a riot - such behavior is typical of unintelligent children, and it means that you, without meaning to, have accepted rules that do not suit you. Communicate gently with your parents, do not tell them details that they do not need to know. Sometimes accept their advice as adults accept the advice of other adults. If you fundamentally disagree with something, calmly ask them not to worry, ask them to trust you, noting that you will solve this problem yourself. In the second case, when it seems to you that your parents could have taken more part in your life, you would rather All in all, you are wrong. Don’t be selfish, because, most likely, your mother or father devoted many years to your upbringing, and now they have a completely understandable desire to live for their own pleasure. Perhaps their parents did the same. As a rule, in order to raise a child, people have to sacrifice a lot. Many children, having grown up, try to help their parents, realizing that now they are much weaker than their adult children. Others expect that their parents will continue to devote their lives to them, “give them the best pieces.” Be kind to your parents, give them a break and appreciate all the benefits of communicating with adult, independent children.
Why do husband and wife fight?
Spouses may have many reasons for sorting things out. It doesn't have to be some serious reason, like cheating. Sometimes, a woman can be provoked into a scandal for seemingly harmless reasons. Yes, as a rule, women are the initiators of quarrels, which certainly does not look good on them. When conflicts occur at the suggestion of a man, especially for domestic reasons, this is not a very good sign - often such husbands are later called despots and tyrants. Spouses often quarrel due to dissatisfaction in their sexual life. Husband and wife turn out to have different temperaments or one of the couple is dissatisfied with sex with the other, so marital duty is fulfilled less and less often. If this problem has appeared in your family, despite the fact that it did not exist before, then you need to identify its true causes. A woman may simply not have an orgasm with a man because he does not devote enough time to foreplay, and the act itself does not last long. A spouse who is not a sensitive lover may not even understand the reason for this behavior. The wife needs to have a serious conversation with her chosen one and explain what exactly does not suit her. If the husband does not want to listen, then, most likely, such a marriage is doomed. A man, in turn, may be dissatisfied with his wife’s lack of initiative, considering his intimate life with her insipid and uninteresting. Such conclusions can lead to the appearance of a mistress. Often, intimate intimacy begins to occur less and less between spouses when one of them is no longer satisfied with the appearance of their partner. Many couples would live in perfect harmony if it were not for hated everyday issues. Reluctance to make concessions to each other and a clear division of responsibilities into women's and men's often lead to big problems in the family. Women who work equally with their husbands, but are also forced to take on the lion's share of household chores, feel especially disadvantaged. If this is your case, then explain to your husband that because... If you work, then the distribution of household responsibilities should be equal - whoever managed to do it, did it. A truly loving and caring husband will understand and support you.Why do children fight?
Mostly children's quarrels are provoked by rivalry or childish envy. If we are talking about your children, then you should do everything possible not to single out one of your children. Many parents make a big mistake by dividing their children into “oldest” and “youngest”, while the demand from the first is, as a rule, always higher. The worst thing is that, feeling such injustice, the older child carries this feeling into adulthood, and his relationship with his parents usually becomes rather cool. Younger children, in turn, often grow up to be selfish, and parents begin to regret their loyalty in raising them, and only then see their main mistakes. Try not to get involved in harmless children’s fights, taking sides - let the children learn to decide for themselves your conflicts and make peace. Try not to make your child jealous of his brother, sister or other children. He must understand that he is no worse than others. If he wants a toy “like Petya’s” that you don’t have money for, offer him an interesting alternative.
How to avoid constant quarrels and stop being offended
If you often get offended by other people, then you must understand that you have a certain problem. Most likely, you have high expectations from people, and when they are not met, you become resentful. Do you feel like someone is treating you unfairly? Do not focus on this episode, but after this conversation, consult with a loved one whom you consider to be a model of wisdom and optimism. Tell him about your situation and ask him for an outside assessment. An adequate reaction to the story will help you consider the situation from a different angle. Of course, you should not seek advice from a person who has a quarrelsome nature or is often touchy. Also, do not forget that people often offend us in response to our attacks, tactless remarks or offensive hints. Sometimes, we ourselves do not notice how we provoke negative emotions in others, but we react sharply to other people’s unpleasant words.The whole truth is that it is different for everyone
Learn to smooth out tough moments in an argument
If you see that the situation is heating up, it is better not to continue to focus on it. In this case, the interlocutors should take a break and calm down a little. To do this, say: “Let’s discuss this in a couple of minutes, but for now I wanted to talk to you about this…”. Of course, choose a topic that will be pleasant for both you and your opponent. Returning again to an unpleasant conversation, allow your interlocutor to express his point of view to the end. Listen to him carefully, ask clarifying questions. After this, calmly offer to listen to your opinion. Say: “I really want us to understand each other and resolve this issue without quarrels, because we have always understood each other!” Most likely, in the end, you will come to a common decision, and do not exclude in advance that perhaps it was you who were initially wrong in the dispute.It is important to be able to accept the choice and opinion of another person
Surely, you are convinced that you have the right to your own opinion and are free to make many decisions. Other people think similarly. If you are one hundred percent convinced that a person is wrong, you will not be able to convince him with a scandal or shouting. Speak to your interlocutor in a calm and friendly tone, asking him leading questions that will themselves lead your opponent to the inconsistency of his point of view. If the person still maintains his opinion, and you understand that this issue does not have a big impact on your current life (topics about celebrities, important historical events, methods of raising children, etc.), then tell him that you understand his point of view , but you suggest that everyone remain with their own opinion, returning to this conversation a little later.Learn to express your thoughts and feelings without offending your interlocutor
Even if it seems to you that the person with whom you are having a conversation is talking some kind of nonsense, this is not at all a reason to get personal and try to offend the interlocutor. By this you prove that you are unable to convey your own opinion to him by selecting unshakable arguments, and the only thing left for you is to resort to insults. In such a situation, you will show yourself to be a nervous and hot-tempered person who finds it difficult to clearly express his thoughts without descending into “market showdowns.” Respect your interlocutor, and most likely you will achieve respect in return. Even if this does not happen, you will know that you will behave with dignity.Why do people swear? For what reason does foul language still not disappear and is not going to lose ground? What happens to a person when he swears obscenely? We'll figure it out.
Did cavemen swear?
Scientists studying the development of language and the psychology of swearing claim that “obscene” words are present in any human language. Every language, dialect or dialect, dead or alive, used by millions or a few tribes, has its share of "forbidden" words.
Already in the first examples of human writing, dating back to about 3000 BC. BC, indecent descriptions of parts of the human body and their functions were discovered - and written monuments certainly serve as a reflection of oral tradition. Most psychologists and evolutionary linguists suggest that the emergence of swear words occurred simultaneously with the emergence of language as such, that is, at least about 100 thousand years BC.
Who swears the most?
According to statistics, teenagers and men swear more. And university rectors use foul language more often than librarians and kindergarten employees. The use of swear words is positively correlated with extraversion and emotional choleric temperament. Conversely, a negative relationship is observed with the level of compliance, religiosity and sexual arousal.
So why do we express ourselves?
Scientists have identified many functions of profanity. In ancient Rus', for example, swearing performed a ritual function, being included in ritual texts. We all know swearing as an interjection, as an affective display of emotion, as an act of aggression, as a means of humiliation, as friendly banter and encouragement. Foul language can be a way of expressing rebellion or even a means of establishing contact between people.
What happens to the body during foul language
Some researchers consider swearing to be a symbol of connections between the rational areas of the brain and the parts responsible for emotions.
When a person utters curses, his pulse quickens, his breathing becomes more shallow - all the signs of psychological arousal are evident.
But just as swearing can be a stimulating factor, it often becomes an indicator of peace and harmony. There are studies showing that when we are in the company of close friends, the more relaxed we are, the more we swear.
There is a well-known curious case with the pillars of Russian literature - Leo Tolstoy and Maxim Gorky. When Gorky arrived in Yasnaya Polyana, Tolstoy used a lot of obscene expressions in his conversation with him. Gorky was upset by this: he decided that the genius was trying to “adapt” to his “proletarian” level, and did not understand: L. Tolstoy, on the contrary, wanted to show in this way that he accepted him “as one of his own.”
Which neurons are “responsible” for swearing?
We all know that human speech is not a completely controlled process, especially emotional speech.
In recent years, scientists have been exploring the neural mechanisms of foul language by studying the brains of patients with Tourette syndrome.
Tourette's syndrome is a rare neurological disorder of unknown origin, characterized by nervous tics, grimacing, and involuntary shouting of obscenities. Such painful, irresistible swearing was called “coprolalia” (from the Greek “kopros” - feces, dirt and “lalia” - speech).
Of course, coprolalia brings a lot of inconvenience to patients with Tourette's syndrome: a stream of abuse can cause discomfort to others, sometimes erupting from the lips of a child or teenager. In addition, curse words often turn out to be extremely incorrect, referring to the race, sexual orientation and appearance of others.
Scientists became interested in coprolalia in patients with Tourette's syndrome in the hope of finding out the mechanisms that motivate a person to use obscene language. It was found out which areas of the brain of patients with Tourette syndrome are activated during an attack of coprolalia.
It turned out that during such attacks several groups of neurons are activated at once: the basal ganglia - neurons responsible for coordinating parts of the body, and the so-called Broca's center - an area of the cerebral cortex that ensures the understanding and organization of speech.
There was also evidence of excitation of neural circuits associated with the limbic system, known to be involved in emotion regulation. At the same time, and especially important, the “executive” areas of the brain were involved, where decisions are made whether to act or refrain from action.
These studies show us how complex and contradictory the mechanism behind the emergence of obscene language can be. First, there is a strong emotional urge to say something rude, then the speech system is activated to come up with curse words, then the “control” center tries to restrain the speech act, and sometimes it succeeds. Thus, as we see, both highly developed areas of the brain and its archaic areas are involved in the process of swearing.
How obscene language increases the pain threshold
Many people know that swearing sometimes becomes a good way to deal with stress through the release of emotions, but there is also scientific evidence for this. According to research by British scientists, swearing can increase pain tolerance in foul-mouthed subjects.
A group of students took part in an experiment on the effect of swearing on the pain threshold: young people placed their hands in ice water and tried to keep them under water for as long as possible.
In the control group, subjects did not have the opportunity to swear when uttering neutral phrases. In the experimental group, even those who do not use obscene language in everyday life had to swear. The study's results are impressive: swearing increased heart rate, decreased pain perception, and helped students endure pain longer by 75%. This change in the pain threshold is most likely due to an increase in the foul-mouthed adrenaline level.
Interestingly, the positive effect of swearing (pain reduction) was greater in women than in men, even if there was a tendency to dramatize the pain. In men, on the contrary, the tendency to dramatize reduced the positive effect of swearing. This is especially interesting in light of other studies showing, as we remember, that men are more likely to use offensive language, while women, according to statistics, are more likely to exaggerate and dramatize their physical suffering.
Internet. Anonymous
The phenomenon of obscene language on the Internet deserves special attention: on social networks and on forums. We've all encountered mass profanity in certain online communities. First of all, this is due to the possibility of anonymity of comments, which since the emergence of the Internet and still remains a characteristic feature and an integral basis of the World Wide Web.
On the other hand, on the Internet we find ourselves in a situation where we can become an outside observer of certain communities, with our own, sometimes unknown to us, rules and norms of speech, and what we perceive as rudeness may well be something neutral for this or that forum.
Foul language in many of these communities has
multidirectional background: since anonymity is the reason for the initial equality of Internet users, then in these conditions of equality, swearing turns out to be a tool of manifestation of aggression, force, power and humiliation. And, ultimately, along with masterful command of words, a way of building a kind of hierarchy among anonymous Internet users.
Also, obscene expressions are often used to create a humorous effect, sometimes benevolent, but often aggressive, which also unites the community by humiliating the objects of jokes, and in some cases, foul language can serve as one of the ways to build a specific group identity.
