Why is it bad and dangerous to manipulate a man? Manipulation for good

“A smart wife is a cunning wife”, “a husband is the head, and a wife is the neck”, “a wise woman will make the man of her dreams out of anyone” - the list of such expressions of “folk wisdom” can be continued indefinitely. However, in reality, such advice not only does not help, but even interferes with building strong relationships. Why?

In our country, a game that is played on an ongoing basis is very, very common: women try to “unnoticed” control men, as if remaining obliging and submissive, that is, “ideal wives,” and men pretend not to notice this. In fact, this game is well known to both sides - it’s not for nothing that there are a huge number of jokes about women trying to manipulate men, according to which many mistakenly judge all female representatives.

In the heads of many of our compatriots, in general, there are very contradictory ideas about men as such: on the one hand, they are “leaders by nature” and “heads of the family,” but on the other, “just like children.” In this situation, women act as kind of indulgent mothers: they say, yes, yes, you are my smartest, I won’t argue with you, but I’ll decide everything myself nonetheless and do it the way I want. However, this approach presupposes complete disrespect for your partners and their thinking abilities, and it is mutual respect that is the key to a strong, happy relationship. Moreover, almost all the advice given to potential “wise wives” can be boiled down to the idea that men need to constantly show how much they are loved and respected. And all this advice assumes two things: a) these feelings need to be portrayed, but not necessarily experienced, and b) men will not notice such a replacement. And herein lies the main mistake: most people (both men and women) feel when they are taken for fools, and day after day they act out such performances in front of them.

This can provoke internal tension, even if it turns out to be unspoken, and from this, in turn, grow coldness in relationships, endless arguments over trifles, and even a break. In addition, women themselves find themselves in tension, forced to constantly play, try to make their partners feel or do something, but in such a way that they themselves understand everything. But they, such stupid people, for some reason do not always understand - and even step on the same rake a hundred times.

So what then? What to do if manipulation is a path to nowhere? The answer is simple: you need to learn to speak directly about your feelings and desires, explain why this is important and look for convincing arguments when you just want to put emotional pressure on a person. And although this process is not at all simple, the results are worth it. Firstly, such openness in a relationship is precisely the best proof of trust and sincere respect for a partner, and this in most cases only strengthens such feelings in the opposite direction, becoming the key to building a long-term successful union. And secondly, it significantly simplifies the process of achieving the desired result. You shouldn’t be afraid to say directly what doesn’t suit you - although delicacy, of course, has not been canceled, and it is important to remember that the goal is not to criticize a person as a whole, but some of his specific actions or words. If you keep it to yourself, the truth will still appear, but in a much worse form. But if you clearly explain to your partner why certain of his actions hurt you or why you think it is important to make this or that decision, he may agree and continue to try to take your opinion into account. This way, you won’t have to waste time (or will have to spend much less) trying to achieve a similar result later.

Why, if it's so simple, is manipulation still such a common way to get your way? Firstly, society is to blame for this, which ascribes to men and women certain roles and behavior patterns that supposedly must be adhered to, regardless of whether they are actually effective and justified. Many women learn the idea of the need for manipulation from their mothers and grandmothers, who, in turn, also did not know that it was possible to live differently. In addition, low self-esteem can push a woman to manipulation as a method of getting her way. Thus, in our society there is still a stereotypical view of women as second-class citizens, the so-called weaker sex. This results in many women not believing that their opinions, expressed openly, can be valued and their wishes respected. However, manipulation will definitely not help to cope with this situation and can only aggravate it.

Catherine

2015-10-26 09:03:34

You will laugh, but I have exactly the same situation, we have been living together for 5 years, we have a child, and he demands that I marry him. And now I have no use for it at all, because... There are loans hanging on it and I absolutely don’t want to take risks and get on my nerves because of the courts. And there’s nothing cool about it, because they don’t ask or invite me to marry, but demand it in the form of an ultimatum, and I listen to him saying that it’s better for me to leave, but we don’t have a family, and I’m constantly being manipulated by him. Well, sometimes I also resort to them myself; I can’t have a normal open dialogue. Now I’m just working so as not to react painfully to manipulations, I’m catching my cockroaches

Elena Churzina

2015-10-26 10:14:51

Well, what can you say, Ekaterina!? Of course, if he had no loans, and everything was fine with him and he was just a gift of fate, and not another burden, then he would have been married off. But here you really need to think, why did such a person come into your destiny with such a bunch of problems and stick to him like a leaf? Of course, we must always start with ourselves, because it is our environment that shows us that something is wrong somewhere inside us. And you are doing the right thing by working with your “cockroaches” first of all! You are very smart and on the right track! You change and he will change, the main thing is to find the entry point of the problem in yourself and the world around you will change for the better.

2015-10-26 10:56:48

It's probably a matter of boundaries. If a man manipulates me, then he violates my boundaries. And this only means that I don’t know how to line them up. You should probably immediately say what you don’t like and what behavior you’re not happy with. Any manipulation: on the part of a woman or on the part of a man, only leads to complications in the relationship. Through manipulation, a person tries to achieve his goal, not knowing how to do it differently.

2015-10-26 12:56:17

You could say it's painful. I don't like manipulation. I feel and see when a person is manipulating me and it is unpleasant for me. Maybe this is due to the negative emotions that I have, because I do not see sincerity from the manipulator. There have been a lot of such people in my life and it is difficult for me to remember this . I understand that manipulation is necessary for life. With their help we get what we want. How to use them correctly and for good? I love sincerity and truth. It’s difficult for me to pretend, so I don’t like to manipulate and impose my will on another person. Many people live like this and achieve a lot and their conscience does not torment them. Maybe I'm not entirely right? Maybe there are manipulations for good? How to use them? How to apply them in life so as not to hurt or offend another person?

2015-10-26 15:06:34

And I have a situation where I am being manipulated... Not only am I dating a married man, but he helps me a lot financially, and I want to send him, and I understand that you depend on him...((and these days, even though I work two jobs, I have a child, but there is a catastrophic lack of money. And other men are not standing in line... So think about whether to be proud and lonely, or allow yourself to be manipulated, receive something in return, but still have it. mental discomfort...

2015-10-26 17:51:45

Elena, this topic is very relevant for me personally at the moment. I’m sharing my experience, I’m a very impatient person for pain, it’s precisely the man’s manipulations that caused me a lot of mental pain and anxiety, it’s as if I find myself in limbo, it’s easier for me to leave such a relationship, although I understand that this is not an option. I want to sort this issue out

2015-10-27 08:45:02

For me this is harmful, probably because I don’t know how to manipulate myself. My husband is trying to impose his model of family life on me, which is not easy for me to come to terms with and as a result we have a complete misunderstanding. He perceives my every response to his complaints against me as criticism addressed to him, and when criticizing me, he declares that it is I who criticize him and thereby poison his life. But in fact, this is not true, I try to harmonize the relationship, I turn a blind eye to many things, but still, nothing works out and gradually he still wins, but I give in and it makes me feel worse. We don’t have a dialogue and it’s easier for me, so as not to swear, to agree with him. I can fight back against strangers trying to manipulate me, but it doesn’t work out with my husband.

Elena Churzina

2015-10-27 09:22:38

Yes, Nadezhda, you are right, you need to be able to build boundaries. And then what to do about who to put at the post at these very borders. Or protect them yourself all the time, living in tension that someone will violate them. How to bring relationships to harmonious respect for these very boundaries? And a voluntary refusal on the part of a man from the desire to manipulate you at any opportunity? How can we build these relations bilaterally differently and without manipulation? And how can we learn to do this differently without slipping into the usual manipulative way of communication? This is where the secret of the right relationship in a couple lies!

Elena Churzina

2015-10-27 09:34:42

Julia, you are a very sensitive person and you very correctly sense the nature of manipulation. You are right, manipulation is never fair. And the line between malicious and white and fluffy manipulation is very small. Our ego will always help us cross this line. And those who walk over their heads and at the same time feel good, they live in their own world of illusions, which they themselves invented, violating the laws of God. Remember the main law of freedom of choice. And even God does not interfere in our affairs, but only helps when we ask for help. It's the same with manipulation. But somewhere there is a golden mean. And God awarded us women with intuition, which should protect both us and the man who is next to us? Men don't have it, but they have naked logic! Now the question is - how to convey to your beloved man that you feel that it will be better for both of you in this particular situation? And it remains open!

Elena Churzina

2015-10-27 09:40:48

Olga, of course, running away is not an option. The situation will always catch up with you only in an even more aggravated form. Therefore, you need to resolve it here and now since this was sent to you! Think about where you manipulate people and in what ways. The world is a mirror. It shows us where we behave the same way! You need to figure out at what level of relationships you allow manipulation with people around you and correct this situation, then they will stop manipulating you.

Elena Churzina

2015-10-27 09:46:03

Lena, by suppressing your needs and disagreement with your husband, you accumulate internal conflict and dissatisfaction with your husband and the relationship with him will grow stronger and stronger. You just need to learn to negotiate with your husband and not conflict. The principle of reflection works here, in which the husband, with his indignation, shows you that you have a high level of resentment towards criticism from other people. Work in this direction and your husband will stop reacting so painfully to your conversations.

Elena Churzina

2015-10-27 09:54:03

Natalya, without giving up the old, the new will not come into your life. Don't pour anything into a full glass! Break free from these half-relationships and improve your self-esteem. And learn to build relationships with real men, awakening your feminine side. The lesson on “Femininity” in the right corner of this site will help you. Start with this.

To begin with, it is worth considering the key concept “ manipulation" Psychologists say that this is a hidden coercion of a person to act in the interests of another person. Should manipulation really become the main tool in building communication? Of course not! Several types of manipulation can be distinguished:
1. Economic. I am for you, and you are for me. Trade cannot always be conducted openly, although both parties understand perfectly well what they will get as a result of the agreements.
2. Power. You must do as I want! Coercion almost always works, but it always leads to the destruction of relationships.

3. Diplomatic. A special manipulation when other people have an impressive incentive to carry out the actions you say. This is real, direct manipulation.

Most psychologists choose diplomatic manipulation to work with patients. You can, of course, make exceptions to this rule. Don't have time to persuade a potential client? Then you can simply push it down or spread it apart. , you should be very careful, because no one likes it when it is used in secret. The consequences can be the most unpredictable if a person finds out about the manipulation you performed. There are several classic manipulations that every person uses from time to time.

Game of good and evil cop. Negotiations in two stages can go well, without any additional conditions or ultimatums. At the last moment, one party may refuse. It takes a little effort and the person who refused you the deal will persuade you to make a decision that is beneficial for you. Why is this happening? The whole point is that he feels obliged. You were able to complete your manipulation in time.

Imposing a service. We all from time to time ask for help from friends, who in turn may ask for help from us. Won't you feel obligated? It will be very difficult to refuse.

We manipulate emotions. Have you been unfairly insulted? Or were they just rude to you in a fit of rage? Perhaps you just fell under the hot hand and the person simply threw out all his feelings on you. As a result, he blames himself and strives to correct the situation in every possible way.

This list can be continued, because there are a huge number of techniques! Just remember the banal bluff, which is also manipulation. It is necessary to take some action to interest and motivate the other person.

Should manipulation always be perceived only from the negative side?

Sometimes, it allows you to achieve significant results for the benefit of the common cause! So, it’s up to you to decide for what purposes to use this technique.

Is it good or bad to manipulate? Is it possible to do without manipulation? Let's proceed from the fact that hidden mind control was, is and will be. And also from the fact that “forewarned is forearmed.” Treat the style as “bad advice”: a story about atrocities is not a call to commit them.

Depreciation.
You have been provided a service, you need to pay for it (not necessarily in money). I would like to lower the price or not pay at all.
To implement the “devaluation” manipulation, you need to make the person who helped you think that his service:

The last option is aerobatics. If you convince that help “ruined everything,” then on this basis you can ask for either other help or a penalty, that is, not only get a free service, but also earn money, or, without accepting any payment, oblige you forever, with the possibility of kicking for life.

Overstatement.
You have provided a service. You need to get more for it than it's worth.
To implement the “overstatement” manipulation, you need to make a person think that:

These goals are well served by written reports that outline the maximum number of assistance operations.

Plagiarism and dummy.
Everything turned out as it did, but I want to earn points on this. You must prove that you did all this: “Only thanks to my intervention, a serious disaster was avoided,” “You don’t know the real reason why you weren’t fired.”
You can provide dummy services. Take money for clearing clouds, do nothing, but if clouds appear in the sky, “return part”, because you worked, but it didn’t work out, or don’t return it and oblige you to wait for a new service. Dummy services include medical scams - scams by fear and treatment of non-existent troubles.

Discrediting the source.
How to defeat your opponent (source) in a dispute? You need to denigrate (discredit) him, then no one will listen to him. Many people do not evaluate an idea, but look at WHO voices it.
The simplest thing is to defame with lies. The best disinformation is unverifiable facts.
It's easy to question mental health or just health.
One may question the moral right to have an opinion. It turns out that a person who does not have children will never be able to talk about education, while the tyrant mother will teach the world how to properly treat children.
You can discredit someone by belonging to a compromised group: “He’s been in power for so many years and doesn’t he steal? Ridiculous!” "Have you seen honest lawyers?"
You can throw a shadow without argument: “Do you even know what he does in his spare time? It’s better for you not to know! To be honest, I don’t even want to get into this dirt...”
You can combine the lack of arguments with aggression: “It was you, scum, who plundered the country!!!”
"The devil is in the details." Keep silent on essential details: “He killed a man,” and don’t add: “When he protected a schoolgirl from a maniac.”
By tarnishing a person, you will turn all his arguments into zero without a stick, and his active position into an attempt to justify himself: now you understand why he was so wound up? justified!
There is another advantage of this manipulation: even if it immediately turns out that the slander is a lie, those around you will be left with a bad feeling: not everything is pure here, but what if the accused got away with it? There will also be unpleasant associations with the person, and the reputation will be tarnished. Time will pass, the story will be forgotten, but the label will remain. There is a strong group of indelible labels: thief, pedophile, AIDS.

I was offended.
This is only the case with the wrong approach of “carrying water to the offended.”
Resentment is the strongest manipulation. By constantly introducing others into a guilt complex, you force them to “correct”, and for this you need to do something in your garden.
There are hundreds of ways to be “offended.”

Deaf.
Just make sure that there is no connection with your interlocutor. When he speaks, turn off your hearing completely. “Listen” without interrupting, then program it in your own way, and when he tries to catch you, ask him not to interrupt you either.
If he loses his temper, then he is unreasonable, short-tempered and does not want a constructive dialogue, you tried to help him.

Exhaustion and withdrawal.
Steer off the topic of conversation, change the words and questions of your interlocutor, interrupt and confuse him. You are friendly and ready to talk forever, discuss important points, by them mean little things.
A good “psychoanalyst” technique: instead of the matter, discuss your feelings: “I don’t understand this at all, but I was disgusted to watch!” People should make you happy, everything depends on that.
A brilliant deflection technique is an emotional outburst: against the background of a routine conversation, you have to “catch yourself”: “Damn! What time is it now?!!” “Listen, this is what I wanted to ask so I don’t forget!” You might drop something. After an emotional outburst, the topic is changed. People rarely remember the interrupted topic. But even if they do remember, the manipulation is powerful because it can be repeated endlessly.

It's hard with fools.
Fill it with terms, you don’t know how to talk in any other way, this is a serious matter, you can’t simplify it. Arrogance and contempt help. The interlocutor is stupid, this can be confirmed directly. And there is no conversation with a stupid person.

Petty tyrant.
You don't want to discuss the issue? Destroy someone! A telephone receiver will do, in which there will supposedly be an interlocutor. Anger must be inadequate, to the point of rage. It's good to add action. If there is nothing to break or throw, angrily hit the table with your hand. Swear (and with a real interlocutor - emphatically polite).
You need to destroy a fake interlocutor for the very least, what will happen if you find out about something more unpleasant! When the whole school class is noisy, you need to choose the most peaceful of the noisy ones and publicly smear him, “not noticing” what other schoolchildren are doing. Once they see how much they can get for little, they will calm down, afraid that you will “notice” more.
If the interlocutor is not one of the fearful ones, then you can influence the dummy interlocutor without specifics: “You have no idea how our conversation will end” - the fantasy of the real interlocutor will give birth to what is scary for him.
Even if they don’t intend to upset you, they should still know that you can make you angry, and that in anger you are a tyrant. That is, it is better not to discuss anything with you. You can get started with a small one: “I don’t understand you,” and when they clarify, in a higher tone: “Why are you telling me the same thing over and over again!” You get excited, and you already know how dangerous it is.
It can be done differently: talk emphatically politely all the time, and in the process “run into” other people, real or not, and again return to unctuous communication. This manipulation will still work.

President of the Universe.
Show the LEVEL of problems you solve. If you are on duty loading trains and transferring hundreds of thousands offshore, then, you understand, discussing with you the issue of a delay of just a hundred dollars is at least not decent. Not only because the amount is ridiculous, but also because you are distracted from REAL matters. Let them thank you for condescending to them at all!
You can create a queue of “visitors”, which will make the waste of your valuable time even more impressive. If a person doesn’t get it, nothing prevents him from stating outright that he is interfering with ruling the world with his empty questions.
If the role of the president is difficult to play, you can refer to the deal of the century: “I beg you, not today!”

Guilt complex.
Always blame, never approve. A person wants to be liked, and even if he understands that you are wrong, he goes not to experts or to those who appreciate him, but to you, maybe now you will praise him? Blame! If it doesn't work, be offended.

Getting personal.
One of the most common techniques for getting away from the point. When you run out of arguments, you need to say: “Yes, your teeth are crooked!”
People rarely realize that this has nothing to do with it; they are distracted by the fact that you are telling the truth.

Fake authority or there are more of us.
Works when there are not enough arguments. Instead of justifying your position, say who approved it. You can invent: the famous Western psychologist Pupkin. Let them check first!
You can enlist the support of real authorities, people forget that great people make mistakes, or that they are great in sports, but not in mathematics.
You can gather a crowd, it is the best argument. Crush it with masses - collect signatures!

The best defense is attack.
What to do if you are accused? Show that the person who has the complaints is even worse! Change the topic from your bad deed to the supposedly bad deed of the person reproaching you (or to the actual mistake of another, which allows you to make mistakes or do evil):

- “Generalize”: derive quality from the relationship to one object. To the phrase: “I don’t like it when you play loud music,” you should say: “You hate people.”
- count the reproaches: “You constantly…” It turns out that this happened yesterday, and today, and in general! This is such pettiness towards you.
- “move the arrows” if you are accused: “Look at yourself!!!” (“transition to personality”)
- “I’m like everyone else and even better.” Admit guilt: “So what? Do you know how many of these we have in our company?” or “You should also say thank you that I don’t hit you like the neighbor downstairs!”
- “I suffered more.” How can you discuss another's scratch if your leg is broken?
- "be human." How can you scold for being late if your children are sick or you feel bad? “Children” and “health” always work to get time off from work, too.
- “remember everything.” Remember all the sins from the very birth of man. It doesn't matter that he reformed or that it was 20 years ago. By listing your sins you will remove any claims against you.
Parent to child: “You are a traitor!” "Why?" “When mom asked who cooks better, you said - she!” “So I was 5 years old!” "That's right - since childhood!"

Discrimination.
How to get something for that? Say that you are older and you need to give in. Or younger or weaker - then you also need to give in. Announce to everyone that you are a girl! Say you've been here longer, although it's not very subtle - it's simple hazing. The high level is to announce to others that you are being followed. For the truth, for the origin, for the age, etc.

There is no need to manipulate, especially in your personal circle. Stay clean.
I will be glad to see your additions!

The desire to control another person can have various roots. For example, a mother controls a child for his own safety. But this is perhaps the only example of disinterested manipulation, when the goal is the benefit of another, and not for oneself. It's difficult to give another example. In the overwhelming majority, opinions are imposed against a person’s will and without positive consequences. So why is manipulation bad?

Hidden manipulations

Manipulation means fulfilling someone else's wishes against one's own will. This implies that the one who is being used understands everything perfectly and does it voluntarily. But this does not always happen. Many people, without realizing it, play with the feelings of others; those who are used also do not suspect that they are not fulfilling their will.

Hidden manipulations are often realized through a feeling of discomfort. If after a conversation with someone you feel uneasy, your conscience rises up, it means that there was an indirect influence. This often happens when communicating with parents, business partners, and close friends.

It would seem that there was nothing special in the harmless request: my mother asked me to visit her more often because she was lonely. It seems like a normal situation, but for some reason you are filled with an unpleasant feeling of guilt and shame. But if you think about it, you can understand that mom is trying to solve her problems with your hands. Whether to fulfill her request or not is up to you, the main thing is to understand what’s what and not act to the detriment of your own interests, no matter how selfish it may sound.

Managing other people's fears

People usually become victims of manipulation because of their fears.. Remember the Kid from Astrid Lindgren's work - Carlson knew very well that he was afraid to be left alone, so he turned him around as he pleased. And as soon as the boy wanted to do something against the will of his cunning friend, he immediately frightened him by saying that he would not play and would fly away.

As a rule, a manipulator, in order not to lose his leadership role, in in every possible way cultivates complexes in his “toy”, to make it easier to use. This is one of the most important dangers, especially when this type of relationship connects close people. And it’s good if the victim understands exactly how he is being controlled. Then he may have the strength to throw off the yoke. But if she doesn’t understand, other people live their lives for him.

Combating this phenomenon is difficult, but possible. Yes, p The best thing to do is not to refuse directly, but simply to ignore- in this case, the manipulator will either have to directly demand the fulfillment of the request (and this is already an order), or come to terms with the fact that he will not get what he wants in this way.