The anger, fatigue, and frustration that build up due to daily problems can cause you to say things you don't really mean. And very often, it is the children who suffer because of the parents’ fatigue, their problems or anger. After all, they are defenseless and trust you. This means they become convenient targets if you need to let off steam and calm down. However, you cannot control the consequences of all the words you say to a child in this state, and they may not be what you expect. Here is a list of the worst things not to say to a child, no matter their age. But it has a particularly detrimental effect on young children.
1. Don't cry, it's not a big deal.
They're just kids, right? This means they have no problems, worries, sorrows, disappointments or fears. As adults, we often make the mistake of thinking that this is the case. Children experience emotions just as much as adults (if not more). The difference is that they cannot fully express them or calm themselves down the way adults can. Isn't this much worse? So, never minimize the fears, doubts, conflicts or even scratches that happen in your child's life. Help him learn to react to them correctly and overcome them.
We gain nothing by comparing our children. But this may cause resentment among family members. And rivalry will certainly begin between the guys. And it’s not far from finding out who the parents love more. Sometimes a word spoken by parents in anger becomes the cause of many years of hostility between children. Do you want such a future for your own children? I'm sure not. So make sure you don't resort to comparisons. Each child is unique and special in their own way.
3. You can never do anything right.
Nobody wants to hear this. Imagine how your little daughter feels when you say these words to her. What a terrible feeling it is when your parents think you can’t do anything. And even if this is not so, and you said it in your hearts, be sure that the child will remember it for a long time. If your little one does something wrong, breaks a toy or ruins a cake, take a deep breath and ask yourself which is more important. The answer is always the same: children are much more important than anything else.
4. You make me blush
If your child very often tries to attract the attention of others, starts screaming, jumping, singing or is simply capricious, perhaps he just needs more attention. Never express your embarrassment - not in front of friends, acquaintances or strangers, not even in private. Why not plan a show at home where your little one will feel like a star. It is quite possible that your child will discover artistic talents. In addition, there is another plus. This is a good way to spend time together as a family.
5. You are very fat/ugly/stupid
Our children believe everything we tell them. Parents are their most reliable source of information, as well as the main people who love them. And such negative statements can only damage your children's self-esteem. Even if your child is overweight or is not the first student in school, the responsibility for this, first of all, lies with you. This means that you were unable to teach your child to eat properly and did not really monitor his progress at school, and perhaps you completely forgot to check whether he was doing his homework. Therefore, now you need to focus on the strengths of your child and not focus his attention on your own imperfections. Although, of course, you must correct the omission.
6. I regret that I gave birth to you
I can't think of anything worse that a child can hear from their parents. Never, under any circumstances, say this to your child. Even as a joke. As sad as it is to realize, not all children are born into loving families. And not all parents want their child. But be that as it may, during pregnancy you decided to leave him. The child should never know whether you had any doubts about this. Children want to know that they are wanted and loved, regardless of the mistakes they make.
7. I've had enough. I don't love you
Sometimes, without even realizing it, we start joking this way with our children. For example, your three-year-old daughter is upset because you won't let her have a second helping of ice cream after lunch. You try to explain to her several times that ice cream in large quantities is bad for her and therefore she will not be able to get what she wants. However, the baby does not react to such words. She gets angry, cries and says she doesn't love you. In such a situation, you may feel that the easiest thing to do is to say the same thing in response. But the truth is that this will only harm your daughter as it will create subconscious fear in her. But what is the right reaction? You need to explain to her again why she can't have extra dessert, and then remind her that you will always love her, even if she's mad at you. She will be able to understand much more from this lesson than you can imagine.
If you think about your children's feelings and well-being first and make a little effort on yourself, you can avoid these harmful phrases. And your children will feel loved and protected from everything that might happen to them.
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Parenting is one of the most vital and responsible tasks of parents. Words you accidentally throw out can give your child erroneous ideas about life.
website I learned about phrases that negatively affect the mental development of children and found an alternative to them.
“You need to listen to adults”
Hearing this phrase, the child thinks: “All adults are smart and good. I have to do as they say." This phrase is dangerous because the child begins to trust all adults, including strangers, and does not expect anything bad from them.
Correct phrase:“You need to listen to your parents.” This is how the child develops critical thinking and a healthy distrust of strangers.
"Don't cry"
“Showing emotions is bad; I’ll only get scolded for crying.” He may grow up silent and withdrawn. And hidden emotions will sooner or later come out through aggression or tears.
Correct phrase:“Tell me what’s bothering you,” “Why are you crying?” If a child falls or hits himself - “Are you crying because you are in pain or are you scared?” This way the child will be able to understand the situation and evaluate it adequately.
"Don't be greedy"
Hearing this phrase, the child thinks:“I have to share everything. There’s nothing here that’s mine.” Over time, these thoughts will develop into sacrifice; a person will not protect his own values, including material ones, thinking that he is not worthy of them.
Correct phrase:“Let him play with your toy a little?” “Maybe you want to swap toys for a while?” Give your child the opportunity to manage his things independently; if he is against giving, then don’t insist.
“Who taught you this?”
Hearing this phrase, the child thinks:“My parents don’t know that I came up with it.” Such a child will think that he can go unpunished by blaming others.
Correct phrase:“Why did you do that?” This way you will find out whether the child did it himself or on someone else’s initiative. Give him the opportunity to explain his actions.
"Look what a good girl"
Hearing this phrase, the child thinks:“I’m worse than others, there’s no point in trying, it won’t work anyway.” Comparison with other people negatively affects a child’s self-esteem; he thinks in advance that he will not achieve anything.
Correct phrase:“You can do this with me too.” Point out the positive aspects of your character, demonstrate that you believe in him. Remember, your child is unique and has his own strengths.
Correct phrase:“I’m not ready to answer right now, I need some time.” Don't brush your child off; if he asked you a question, try to answer it. This way you will remain an authority in the eyes of the child and will not lose his trust.
Many parents think that self-esteem can be built from scratch by giving their child compliments, developing in him the desire to achieve success, and praising him only for the excellent results that the parent expects. In fact, a child is born with a high level of self-esteem, which is destroyed by improper upbringing, constant expectation of results and encouragement of competition. As a result, children grow into adults who live in constant stress, lack self-confidence, seek approval, and endlessly try to seem like someone else instead of being themselves.
Instead of resorting to trivial excuses like “it’s all the coach/teacher’s fault,” ask yourself: how do my words, actions and emotions affect my child’s self-esteem? Is he really a shy child? Is he really ashamed of something? Are you sure he doesn't understand anything?
“Yes, a child has an innate character, but parents, through their words and actions, largely shape his destiny, and therefore his self-esteem,” explain psychologists Roberta Cavallo and Antonio Panarese. – Words have especially great power. On the one hand, they reflect the feelings, moods, habits and way of thinking of the one who pronounces them. On the other hand, they are fixed in the child’s mind, and he begins to use them automatically.”
We have selected from their book seven of the most typical parental phrases that destroy a child's self-esteem and make him insecure. Each phrase is followed by a description of its effect on the child, and then an antidote to it, that is, options for replacing the “poisonous” phrase with a positive and/or harmless one.
1. “Are you stupid?!”
How does the child feel:
"Oh! And I thought that I was smart... But if you say that, then I have doubts... How humiliating... How sad... I disappointed you... That means there is something wrong with me and I’m really stupid.”
Antidote:
Nobody is stupid. What does this word even mean to you? Before you do anything, try to understand what it was about the child that infuriated you so much that you couldn’t restrain yourself and called him stupid (even though you don’t really think he’s that way, we’re sure of that).
Variants of suitable phrases: “I know that you said / did not do it on purpose”, “What is not clear to you? What didn’t you understand?”, “Do you want me to repeat it?” It is better to question your ability to express yourself clearly than your child's mental abilities. Help him cope with the complexity instead of judging him.
2. “Stop it now!”
How does the child feel:
“What did I do?!” Why aren’t you trying to understand me?..” Or: “I just wanted a little attention...” Or: “I didn’t do it on purpose...”
Antidote:
Observe what is happening. Think about what motivates your child to behave this way. Try to control yourself.
Options for suitable phrases: “You don’t want to? What are we going to do?”, “Your sister must have made you very angry, since you pulled her hair so hard! Come here, tell me what happened..."
3. “What do you even understand about this?!”
How does the child feel:
“I understand something... In my own way, but I understand... But, of course, if you tell me that, it means I really don’t understand anything...”
(Don’t forget that for a child, your words are the truth. Children do not perceive metaphors, and if you called a child a fool, he will think of himself that way, because it is you who say it - his authority, point of reference and source of love.)
Antidote:
Let your child talk. Don't judge or comment on his words. He is a child and will never say or do anything stupid. Come down from the pedestal (you yourself are not perfect either!) and see how much effort it takes for a child to grow and express his thoughts without allowing himself to be silenced.
Options for suitable phrases: “Speak, honey, I’m listening to you”, “Tell me what you think”, “Oh, I see! So you think that...” (and don’t think that he is saying nonsense - the child feels it). Take every word he says seriously.
4. “I bet you won’t succeed?”
How does the child feel:
“Great start... If the person who should instill confidence in me says so... You don’t believe in me, which means I’m worthless and incapable of anything... I agree with you. I won’t succeed.”
Antidote:
Why should he suddenly fail? Options for suitable phrases: “Try”, “Try again... Calmly... It will probably work out”, “Hm... What do you think went wrong? What needs to be done to make everything work?”
5. “What a nightmare!”
How does the child feel?
“I was just playing! This is not a nightmare! This is creativity! Or: “How shameful!.. How humiliating! And I thought... I had so much fun!.. Did I disappoint you?! You can't try new things, it's bad. Making a mistake is bad, and a “nightmare” is also bad.”
Antidote
Do you really think this is a nightmare? A nightmare is an atomic bomb, children working in mines in Bolivia, misunderstanding and infantilism of adults, but certainly not felt-tip pens scattered on the floor, a broken glass, spilled water or soiled clothes.
Options for suitable phrases: “How can we clean everything up now?”, “How can we fix everything?”, “Did you have fun? Come here, I’ll give you something to change into,” “Wow, so many markers! Collect / let's collect together!”, “Do you like spilling water? You shouldn't do this on the table! Come here, I’ll give you a basin and plastic cups.”
6. “Okay, that’s enough... I’ll do everything myself, it’s faster.”
How does the child feel:
“Oh... I'm too slow... I'm good for nothing... Everyone is wasting time because of me...”
Antidote:
“Try... Try again... Don't worry. I'll wait." And yes, it’s better to start doing everything in advance. Organization and a good time reserve are the ninja weapons that every parent should wield. It often feels like there really is no time. We assure you that a few minutes spent respecting your child’s pace will not lead to significant delays, and you will probably be able to catch up.
A variant of a suitable phrase: “While you are busy, I will start the laundry. If you need me, call me."
7. “Nothing good will come of him!”
How does the child feel:
“And I believe in myself... but you know better... that means I have to change my opinion about myself... Besides, I don’t want to contradict you... I will try not to disappoint you, do as you say, and become mediocre. Now I will act to my own detriment in order to prove you are right!”
Antidote:
Try never to say this phrase. Make a list of your child's positive qualities and focus on them.
Think about the reasons for your despair. Perhaps you are afraid to admit that you failed to teach him to be in harmony with himself? Does he hurt your wounds with his actions?
Perhaps you have low self-esteem and are not confident in yourself? Think about it.
About the experts
Roberta Cavallo and Antonio Panarese– Italian teachers working at the Center for Assistance to Children from Foster Families and Children with Disabilities; authors of several books on parenting, including “Do not program a child. How our words influence the fate of children" (Alpina Publisher, 2017).
Due to stressful situations that are present every day in the life of every person, accumulated fatigue and troubles at work, breakdowns in children are increasingly occurring. In such situations, an adult is unable to fully control himself and, in a fit of anger, is able to say very unpleasant and offensive words to the child. Although the parent does not really think so, it turns out that when he is angry, the child falls under the “hot hand.”
In fact, children, due to their defenselessness, cannot protect themselves from such emotions, and they become the most convenient target for letting off steam.
The consequences of such parental breakdowns for the child’s mental state can be much worse than it might seem. An example of phrases that should never be said to a child, especially at a younger age. This could have a detrimental effect on his future life.
There's no need to cry, because there's nothing wrong with it
Like adults, children also experience emotions every day and they are not always positive. Therefore, do not think that children have no sorrows, no disappointments, no fears.
The difference between the emotions of children and adults is only in their expression. Not all children know how to express feelings in words, especially younger children, so they express them by crying. Therefore, if your child is crying, be sure to talk to him and figure out what caused it.
You should not downplay fear or resentment, or maybe even a bruise that recently occurred. After all, this is important to him. Help and teach your child to respond adequately to them and overcome them with ease.
Each child is an individual personality. Therefore, comparing children with each other will not bring any benefit, but will only aggravate the tense situation in the family. Rivalry will begin between the children in order to win the attention of their parents. This may lead to finding out who the parents love more.
Accordingly, such proceedings may become a reason for long-term hostility. I think no parents want their children to be in litter. Do not compare your children, because every child is an individual who needs to be loved and respected. And parental love should be enough for everyone equally.
You can't do anything right
Imagine that such words were addressed to you. How can a small child feel from such words? I think it’s scary to even think that your mom and dad call you “incompetent,” although they were uttered out of emotion.
I am convinced that such a phrase will be remembered for many years. Don’t be angry if your child has done something wrong, but show and teach how to do the right thing. After all, your child is more important than any little thing.
I don't want to blush because of you
It happens that a child tries in every possible way to attract attention to himself. And, often, this happens outside the home. He begins to cry, act up or scream loudly. You need to try not to give free rein to your emotions and not show embarrassment or irritation in public.
When you get home, give your baby a show with his participation, so he will be the center of attention. There is a chance that the child will receive the attention he needs and will stop behaving this way, and perhaps he will reveal his talents. Organize performance evenings where your child will be the main character, because it is not only fun, but also very useful.
Why are you so stupid (ugly, fat)
For children, the first source of information is their main people in life - their parents. They unquestioningly believe everything they are told. Therefore, they take statements addressed to them to heart. And negative words harm your child’s self-esteem. Be responsible for your child.
And if he does poorly in school or is overweight, it’s only your fault. You did not pay attention to nutrition in time or did not interest them in studying, and also did not direct the child in the right direction. Therefore, there is no point in offending him even more; we need to look for a way out of this situation.
Why did I even give birth to you?
There are no more vulnerable words than hearing from parents that he is an unwanted child. Whatever your problems, and no matter how much your child upsets you, you just need to forget this phrase and under no circumstances say it in the presence of the child.
Be that as it may, it was you who made the decision to have a child and you are responsible for it. Therefore, he must feel that he is needed and desired. And all doubts about this issue should have remained in the past, even during the decision to give birth to him.
Children should feel needed by their parents. Otherwise, such words can lead to the child running away from home.
You got me, I don't love you anymore
There are situations when a child does not obey, the parent tries several times to explain to him that he is doing wrong. In response, the child gets angry and says that he doesn’t love you anymore. Usually, in such a situation, you also want to respond to the child’s offensive words. But you don’t need to do this, it will have a detrimental effect on the child’s psyche. He will feel fear and uselessness.
What to do in such a situation? The correct action for the child is to try to explain to him again what he is doing wrong. And also explain that his anger is unfounded, because you do not want harm for him. And after that you should say that you love him, and will always love him, depending on his mood.
This will serve as a good lesson for him, and he will remember such words for a long time. The child will be able to benefit more from such an act than simply shouting or offending him.
Parents must understand that their children should not suffer from their fatigue or bad mood. Therefore, when you come home from work, make an effort on yourself, tune in to the positive and watch your words. It is necessary to take care not only of the physical condition of children, but also of their feelings. Healthy and balanced children feel the care and love of their parents.
5 types of people who poison your life Types of bonsai that can be grown at home
Often, when raising children, parents lose their temper, get emotional and utter phrases that they may later regret.
An adult needs to understand that words spoken more than once are deposited in the child’s subconscious and become the cause of emotional experiences or even complexes.
The article discusses 7 phrases that are destructive to a child’s psyche, which you should try to never say to your children.
For a very young child, crying is a way of communicating with the outside world. This is how he shows that he is hungry, cold, scared or in pain.
If a child already knows how to talk, then through crying his emotions spill out, overwhelming his feelings.
If you don’t get rid of them, the baby may become callous and withdrawn over time.
Problems that seem insignificant to adults sometimes look global to a child. If a parent ignores them, it means that they do not take the child seriously. But no matter how old a child is, he is the same person with experiences and fears.
Let your child know that crying is normal. We need to look together for the cause of the tears and ways to solve the problem.
By saying this, the parent makes it clear to the child that he loves the baby less than his brother or sister. And the lack of love from mom and dad is the worst tragedy for him.
A child, and especially a teenager, is very sensitive to comparisons with anyone. Constantly pointing out differences with his brother or sister causes him anxiety.
But this is exactly how complexes are formed in a person. In adulthood, he will try to become better than someone else, or withdraw into himself.
Such unhealthy competition is not good for your emotional and mental well-being. If rivalry occurs with the closest people (brothers or sisters), then this will invariably lead to clashes within the family. This phrase, if repeated constantly, can cause jealousy or hatred on the part of the child towards the one with whom he is compared.
Don't compare your baby with someone else, relate him to himself. For this purpose, you can keep an achievement diary where your successes are recorded. From time to time you need to look at the recordings and talk through what the baby has succeeded in.
“You never succeed, you do everything badly and incorrectly”
Child psychologists and educators argue that children cannot be programmed in advance to fail.
Even if the child started to do something fifty times and did not succeed, he should be allowed to do it the fifty-first time.
We can say that by making mistakes, a child learns to be independent and responsible for his actions. You definitely need to praise him even after a disappointing result. A child who often hears such a phrase is characterized by lack of initiative and lack of confidence in himself and his abilities. It is unable to take responsibility for itself and its own actions, knowing in advance that nothing will work out.
Parents should encourage their children's endeavors, anticipating their success. And if something didn’t work out, there is no need to gloat, we need to work together on mistakes and try to achieve our goals again.
"I'm ashamed of you"
If a parent says that he is ashamed of his child, it means that he is admitting his own inability to raise children correctly.
After all, all their actions are the result of parental interaction with their son or daughter.
The little person understands that shame is a negative emotion; he would not want his parents to experience this painful feeling again and again. An adult would solve this problem like an adult: he would not do bad things. The child will hide all his mistakes so as not to hurt his parents.
Thus, the constant phrases “What will people say!” or “I’m so ashamed of you” lead to the child becoming withdrawn and secretive.
“You are fat (stupid, ugly)”
People say: “Whatever you call a ship, that’s how it will sail.”
If you point out to a child that he is stupid or ugly, he will not strive to correct gaps in knowledge and will not take care of his appearance.
Why? After all, the parents have already stated the fact of ugliness and stupidity.
If you constantly point out shortcomings, the child will focus on them instead of looking for solutions to his problems.
Remember that phrases with a negative assessment carry the message to the child that he is bad and his parents do not like him.
“If I had known what you would become, I would not have given birth to you.”
It is probably difficult to come up with a more terrible phrase uttered by a mother for the purpose of manipulation. This suggests that she does not want her offspring to exist.
What could be worse? Of course, the parent who says this does not want the child to disappear.
But for him, these words mean that he is not accepted and loved, his birth was a mistake.
The realization that a child with his shortcomings is not needed by his parents places a heavy burden on his shoulders. A complex of guilt for one’s own existence will accompany such a person throughout his life.
It is necessary for the child to understand that his parents accept him with all his shortcomings.
"I don't love you"
The worst thing that can happen to a child is that mom and dad stop loving him.Until we reach adolescence, parents are the center of the universe for us.
And if this center refuses the baby, the whole world collapses for him.
He will try again and again to gain the love of his parents by doing things that attract their attention. Most often, such actions upset parents.
Even when a child is capricious or mischievous, you need to say that he is loved no matter what. A child needs love without any conditions.
All the phrases listed above are used by parents very often. But adults must understand that if they constantly say them at every opportunity, the child will receive mental trauma that is very difficult to cure.
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