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“That’s it,” said the Broken Record, “that’s enough.” I was completely screwed.

When records say that, they mean it. Usually such words mean no less than my-patience-has-come-to-an-end-I-refuse-to-serve-further-and-please-leave-me-alone-from now on-and-forever.

“You speak as if you were some kind of horse...” Old Gramophone Needle subtly remarked (she always made only very subtle remarks). - How can you drop by record? And who can drive it?

“It’s just that it’s very simple to drop by,” sighed the Broken Record. - Drive, drive, drive around me... and even visit me! And you drove me, excuse me. Because, excuse me, you were just targeting me.

Old Gramophone Needle smiled subtly (she always smiled only very subtly) - and again settled down on the edge of the Broken Record with the obvious intention of riding on it a little more.

“Keep in mind, I’ve been completely screwed,” repeated the Broken Record and gave the Old Gramophone Needle some useful advice: “So... blame yourself.”

But the Old Gramophone Needle had no idea at all about how to blame... especially oneself - and, instead of blaming oneself, it began - on the contrary! – drive along the Broken Record in the usual direction.

However, she didn’t manage to go far... to be honest, she didn’t manage to go anywhere at all: the Old Gramophone Needle was stuck in place and never moved. And the Broken Record spun three times and repeated the same musical phrase three times.

-Have you forgotten the melody? - Old Gramophone Needle asked a subtle question (she always asked only very subtle questions).

“No,” answered Broken Record and, after a pause, added: “I remember the melody very well.”

- Why then do you make me stagnate in the same place? “She had never asked a question of such unimaginable subtlety before.”

“I’ve been completely screwed,” repeated the Broken Record again, hoping that this time they would understand her. But, alas, she was not understood again.

“That’s not an answer,” Old Gramophone Needle objected subtly (she always objected only very subtly). – Every piece of music has a beginning, middle and end. The beginning usually comes first, then the middle usually comes, and then the end usually comes. Only after this is the performance of the musical work considered exhausted. You, most likely, believe that one beginning, repeated three times, is enough.

After this subtle observation (her observations were always only very subtle), the Old Gramophone Needle again settled on the edge of the Broken Record, from which, however, it was immediately thrown off by the harsh, to be honest, movement of the Broken Record.

“What a scoundrel you are, however,” the Old Gramophone Needle made a subtle conclusion (she always made only very subtle conclusions).

The Broken Record remained silent: she was so worn out that she no longer had any strength left to continue this useless conversation.

As for the Old Gramophone Needle, she, understandably, considered this behavior of the Broken Record unacceptably rude: with her extraordinary subtlety, the Old Gramophone Needle did not understand how it was possible to stop the conversation in the very middle. Out of resentment, of course, it immediately broke - and had to be replaced with a new one. The new Gramophone Needle was shiny and completely silent.

Tender hands carefully took the Broken Record, and the Good Voice that came from above said:

– Sorry, dear Broken Record, for the fact that I took so little care of you. But the whole point is that I really like the sonata you recorded. I'm always ready to listen to it again and again.

“Alas, now it will be difficult,” Broken Record responded regretfully. – I’m completely worn out... and I’m always marking time in one place, as the Old Gramophone Needle quite rightly and subtly remarked.

“Forget about the Old Gramophone Needle,” asked the Good Voice. – Now I will introduce you to the very young and very cute New Gramophone Needle. Perhaps, the three of us will be able to bring my favorite sonata back to life...

And the New Gramophone Needle was carefully placed on the very edge of the Broken Record.

Again, as in the old days, a familiar melody sounded quietly in the room. She seemed tired, she made her way forward slowly and not very confidently, stumbling a little and stopping for a while, but this, without a doubt, was still the same impossibly beautiful sonata.

When the sonata ended, the New Gramophone Needle was carefully removed from the Broken Record, and the Good Voice said in a barely audible voice:

– Still, there is no sonata that cannot be brought back to life.

And, between us, it was the honest truth.

We read, criticize, find interesting thoughts.

The "broken record" method

Repeat the same requirement many times without being distracted by excuses.

The broken record method is very simple.

And all our children are fluent in it. For example:

Hot summer day. 4-year-old Annika goes shopping with her mother.

Annika: Mom, buy me ice cream

Mother: I already bought you one today.

Annika: But I want ice cream

Mother: Eating a lot of ice cream is bad for you, you'll catch a cold

Annika: Mommy, I really urgently want ice cream!

Mother: It's late, we need to go home.

Annika: Well mom, please buy me some ice cream!

Mother: Okay, as an exception...

How did Annika do it? She simply ignored my mother's arguments. Instead of discussing how much ice cream is harmful to eat and how much you can catch a cold, she briefly and urgently repeated her request again and again - like a broken record.

Mom does what almost all adults do in such situations: she gives reasons. She is discussing. She wants her child to understand and agree. She does the same thing if she wants anything from her daughter. And then a clear instruction turns into a long discussion. By the end, mom usually has forgotten what she really wanted. This is why our children love these conversations with all their hearts. In addition, they are an extra opportunity to completely and completely capture mother’s attention.

Example:

Mother(crouches, looks Annika in the eye, holds her by the shoulders and says briefly): “ Annika, you’ll put the toys in the box right now.”

Annika: Why?

Mother: Because you scattered them

Annika:

Mother: Nothing of the kind. When did you spend all day cleaning up toys? But you have to understand that you need to clean up after yourself!

Annika: And Timmy (two-year-old brother) never cleans himself!

Mother: Timmy is still small. He can't clean up after himself yet.

Annika: He can do everything! You just love him more than me!

Mother: Well, what are you saying?! This is not true and you know it very well.

The discussion can be continued as desired. Annika's mother remains calm. She has not yet made those typical parental mistakes that we already talked about in Chapter 4. But if the discussion continues for some time, this may well happen. And whether Annika will eventually put the toys away is unknown. In other words: If mom really wants Annika to leave, then this discussion is not appropriate.

Another example. A similar conversation between 3-year-old Lisa and her mother happens almost every morning:

Mother: Lisa, get dressed.

Lisa: But I don't want to!

Mother: Come on, be a good girl. Get dressed and you and I will play something interesting together.

Lisa: What?

Mother: We can do puzzles.

Lisa: I don't want puzzles. They're boring. I want to watch TV.

Mother: Early in the morning and TV?! Out of the question!

Lisa: (crying) I can never watch TV! Everyone is allowed! Only I can’t!

Mother: This is not true. All the kids I know don't watch TV in the morning either.

As a result, Lisa is crying because of a completely different problem, but she is still not dressed. This usually ends with her mother picking her up, putting her on her lap, comforting her and helping her get dressed, although Lisa is very good at doing this herself. Here, too, my mother, after a clear instruction, found herself drawn into an open-ended discussion. This time Lisa played with the television theme. But with the same ingenuity, she can easily play up any item of clothing laid out by her mother - from socks to a matching hair tie. An incredible achievement for a three-year-old girl who is not even in kindergarten yet!

How could Annika and Lisa's moms avoid these discussions? The “broken record” method comes in handy here.

This time Annika's mother uses this method:

Mother:(crouches, looks into her daughter’s eyes, takes her by the shoulders and says): Annika, you will put the toys in the box right now!

Annika: Why?

Mother: This needs to be done now: you will collect the toys and put them in the box.

Annika: I don't want to remove anything. I have to clean all the time. All day!

Mother: Come on Annika, put the toys in a box.

Annika:(starts cleaning and grumbles under his breath ): I always...

The conversation between Lisa and her mom also goes completely differently if mom uses the “broken record”:

Mother: Lisa, get dressed.

Lisa: But I don't want to!

Mother: Here, Lisa, put on your tights.

Lisa: But I want to play with you!

Mother: Lisa, you're wearing tights right now.

Lisa(mumbles, but gets dressed)

Don't you believe that everything is so simple? Try it yourself!

In the first chapter, we already told the story of eight-year-old Vicky, who complained of stomach pain and went to the toilet 10 times before going to school. Her mother discussed with her for two weeks, consoled her, and finally left her at home 3 times. But it was not possible to discover the reason for the sudden “fear” of school. Day and evening the girl was cheerful and absolutely healthy. So mom decided to behave differently. It didn’t matter how or what Vicky complained and argued about - her mother reacted the same way every morning. She leaned over, touched the girl’s shoulder and said calmly but firmly: “You are going to school now. I’m so sorry this is so hard for you.” And if Vicky, as before, went to the toilet at the last minute, her mother would say: “You were already in the toilet. Now it's time for you to go out". Nothing more. Sometimes she repeated these words several times. The “stomach pain” disappeared completely after a week.

Don't get me wrong, discussions between parents and children are very important and can happen many times a day. During meals, during the evening ritual, during the time you devote to your child every day (see Chapter 2) and just free time, in such situations they make sense and lead to good results. You have the time and opportunity to listen, express your wishes and argue for them. Start similar conversations yourself. All the reasons that you left out during the “broken record” application can now be calmly expressed and discussed. And if it is important and necessary for the child, he listens with interest.

Most often, discussions are interesting to children only as a distraction and also as a means of attracting attention.

Second step:

So that words do not diverge from deeds

Already during the clear instructions you should know: What will I do next if the child still doesn’t listen?

How did you react before this? It is possible that one or another of the common parental mistakes crept in: reproaches, why-questions, threats without consequences, severe punishment or beating. This reaction comes from a mixture of feelings: rage, anger and helplessness. In a state of extreme excitement, more acceptable methods of education do not occur to us. Therefore the following applies:

• We need to think in advance and plan for the consequences that flow from our words.
• We should not punish the child, but show boundaries. To do this, you need to show your child: "Stop! I cannot tolerate such behavior." Therefore, we are not talking about punishment, but about conclusions and consequences.
• Every time our child faces a choice: Either I adhere to the rules and do what my parents say - or I agree with the measures that follow.
• For these measures to have an effect, they may be undesirable or unpleasant for the child. But under no circumstances cause physical or mental harm.
• And we must justify our actions. For example like this: "I love you. You are very important to me. That's why I care about your behavior. It is necessary that you adhere to the rules. I will help you with this."

What consequences for what behavior and at what age make sense - the answers to these questions are almost inexhaustible. And yet we dare to give some specific instructions.

We present to you several effective communication techniques and defense methods that you can successfully use in situations where you are being manipulated. First, let's list them:

• ask and listen (“problem localization”);
• ignore and continue;
• pretend to be a simpleton - “rewind the reel”;
• play a “broken record”;
• change perspective;
• get out of the situation.
• break off negotiations.

1. Ask and listen

Conscious use of questions is one of the central elements of communication. As a rule, we underestimate the role of a question as a communicative tool. Many people feel that if they start by simply asking questions rather than immediately expressing their own point of view, they will lose the initiative in the conversation. But the opposite is true: by asking questions, you increase your chances of building a positive relationship with your interlocutor and achieving your goals. Why?

With the right questions you:

• you receive important information that will help you adapt your conversation tactics to the situation, because questions will help you determine what your interlocutor attaches importance to, what exactly is important to him;
• include your interlocutor in active negotiations, showing yourself from the very beginning as a partner and not an adversary;
• you can prevent collisions, return the conversation to a substantive level, which will help you cope with emotionally difficult situations.

By asking questions, you show your interlocutor respect, and it is important for any person to be treated with respect and valued.

To use questions in a targeted manner, it is necessary to understand the difference between open and closed type questions. Open questions require answers in complete sentences, while closed questions can be fully answered with a single word or a succinct mention of a certain fact. As a rule, answers to open-ended questions are more complete and take longer than the generally rather sparse responses to closed-ended questions. An open question allows you to more actively involve your interlocutor in the conversation. Their advantage is that they provoke him to think, invite him to engage more intensively with the issue under discussion, and encourage him to make his own proposals. In addition, open questions always reveal more than closed questions. Here are some examples of open questions.

• What do you think the solution should be?
• What wishes do you have regarding this?
• What exactly is this problem?
• What is of particular interest to you in this case?

A closed question can be answered very briefly - with a gesture or one word. Here are examples of questions of this type.

• Do you want to think about it again?
• Do you agree to take a short break?
• What's your name?
• Have you made a decision?

Questions about the consent of the interlocutor are important closed questions. Closed questions also work well in cases of vague and lengthy statements, when you want to force the interlocutor to express himself more precisely.

Open questions are used to:

• obtain more complete information;
• encourage the interlocutor to freely exchange opinions;
• push him to think.

Closed questions are used to:

• ask for consent, approval;
• get confirmation;
• negotiate in a strict, clear manner;
• achieve a clear answer.

An important method of conversation is questioning technique. When asking again, you refer directly to the previous statement. This technique is aimed primarily at better understanding the interlocutor’s statements, as well as inviting him to more accurately formulate or critically revise his thoughts. Asking again is useful in all cases where something becomes unclear or is deliberately obscured.

The opposite of asking questions is, of course, hearing. If you ask questions, you must be prepared and listen to the answers. Careful listening plays a critical role in negotiating and handling manipulation.

Listen means:

• tune in to your interlocutor, treat him with full attention;
• put yourself in the situation of the interlocutor in order to understand his way of thinking or his point of view. However, you are not obligated to share it at all.

Listening is primarily a matter of inner attitude, not pure technique. It requires enormous concentration and is therefore one of the most tedious communication techniques. However, professional listening skills can be trained and honed.

Those who know how to listen will more easily build trusting relationships with their interlocutor. Listening, like actively asking questions, is a kind of “key to all doors” that allows you to achieve deeper personal contact with your negotiating partner. Listening helps relieve aggression and hostile emotions. Like asking questions, listening is an excellent way to make a conversation more meaningful and constructive. Listening carefully also helps avoid misunderstandings.

The fundamental rule of professional listening is to show the other person that he is being listened to.

There are three possibilities for this, namely: silent listening, listening using attentional reactions, active listening.

1. Silent Listening. The listener is quiet, attentive and by turning his body towards the interlocutor demonstrates to the person that he is listening.
2. Listening using attentional responses. The listener shows that he is listening to the interlocutor using typical reactions of attention (nods, remarks like “really?!”, etc.).
3. Active listening. The listener asks again, once again summarizes in his own words what the interlocutor said or reflects the emotions of the interlocutor, which are contained in his statements. Active listening is the highest form of professional listening. There are several types of active listening:

• by asking again;
• a return message, or reflection of what was said (meaningful message);
• a reverse message, or a reflection of the implied (emotional message).

2. Ignore and continue

Ignoring and continuing is one of the most restrained reactions to recognized manipulation. You simply do not give in to the attempt at manipulation and ignore the corresponding remark. Thus, your interlocutor receives a warning, but “does not lose face.”

You can and should even let him know that you perfectly understood what exactly he was trying to do, for example, using:

• pauses in conversation (thinking);
• question: “Maybe we will continue after all, do you agree?”;
• emphatically constructive proposal on your part.

• allows himself a stupid joke or cynical remark;
• behaves dismissively;
• tries to catch you off guard and increases the pace;
• acts emphatically uninterested and bored.

3. Pretend to be a simpleton and “rewind the reel”

If you pretend to be a simpleton, although you will react to the attempt at manipulation, you will officially interpret it as a misunderstanding or slight confusion on your part. Before the conversation can continue, this misunderstanding or this hitch will have to be cleared up. By doing so, you will avoid outright exposing your interlocutor as a manipulator: he or she will receive a subtle warning signal, but will be able to “save face” at the same time. Let's illustrate this technique with an example.

Situation: you have a conflict with your negotiating partner. You have agreed to apply the conflict resolution model, which assumes that each party first of all sets out and explains its position. But your interlocutor does not adhere to the agreement. Without explaining his point of view, he immediately offered his own solution. You are pretending to be a simpleton.

You: “Wait a minute, I’m a little confused. You and I agreed that we would play out the entire conflict resolution model step by step. I just told you my point of view, and actually now it’s your turn to explain to me your vision of the problem. But only that as your last word you proposed a clearly developed solution. Was this an example or was it ahead of the curve?

This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:

• trying to catch you off guard;
• wants to continue the discussion, despite some agreement reached;
• trying to make you feel guilty.

4. "Broken Record"

If you notice that your interlocutor wants to get away from the topic or is behaving aggressively, trying to intimidate, provoke you or take you by surprise, then try to play a “broken record”. It is very simple to use, you just need to repeat again and again what you want, or what is important to you, or what you want to know, etc.

At some point, you will still be able to force the manipulator to talk about the topic you want. But be careful: like all other conversation techniques, the “broken record” requires practice, practice and more practice, because from an early age we are weaned from stubbornness and straightforwardness. But from a moral point of view, the “broken record” method is impeccable: by using it, you will not mislead, manipulate, ignore or offend anyone. You will simply exercise your right to say what you want.

This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:

• tries to force you to do something or force something on you that you refuse (a “broken record” helps you refuse with firmness);
• distracts you from the real subject of discussion;
• tries to spark additional outbreaks of war;
• does not allow you to speak out and constantly interrupts you.

5. Change of perspective

And this technique is, in essence, very simple. You do not respond directly to the attempt at manipulation, but invite your interlocutor to look at the situation from your point of view or the point of view of another person.

This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:

• refuses to understand you;
• pretends to be stupid;
• insists on his own and is deaf to everything else.

6. Way out of the situation

Sometimes the best way to resist manipulation is to “grab the bull by the horns,” forcefully interrupt the conversation, and openly address the attempt at manipulation. This can be done elegantly by following the following technique.

1. Stop the conversation in a clear and unambiguous manner.
2. Briefly and clearly justify this interruption.
3. What's next?

Example. As a guest specialist, Kurt helps the team work through a long-standing internal conflict. However, team members shy away from the discussion. Eventually Kurt "gets out of the situation." He says:

1. "I'm stopping the discussion."
2. “I got the impression that this is no longer about the actual problem, but about a difference of opinion that has nothing to do with the topic of discussion.”
3. “I will repeat the original question again, then I will summarize the most important results of the discussion, after which we will continue the discussion. Do you agree?”

Kurt clearly interrupts the discussion, notes the futility of the situation and offers a possible option for its development.

The key point of this method is that the issue of attempted manipulation is openly addressed. But before you do this, you should clearly and unequivocally interrupt the conversation. This is important so that the business level of the conversation cannot be confused with the level of relationships between the persons participating in it. If this separation is not made clearly enough, then the subject of discussion and the questions of who, how and with whom were treated during this discussion will become so intertwined that it will no longer be possible to understand what is actually being discussed.

This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:

• has already made several attempts at manipulation;
• made a particularly crude attempt at manipulation (for example, insult);
• abandoned his manipulative behavior, despite other techniques used.

7. Interruption of negotiations

It's sad but true: sometimes things don't work out! Sometimes it is necessary to break off negotiations in a clear and unambiguous manner. In these cases, it is important to protect yourself and get out of a difficult situation as gracefully as possible. Here are very common, but not entirely elegant, ways to end negotiations:

• retreat cursing;
• throw reproaches;
• justify why you are not personally to blame for the failure of the negotiations;
• shout vague or specific threats;
• suppress your annoyance and quietly leave;
• just walk away, leaving the interlocutor alone;
• provide the interlocutor with the opportunity to break off negotiations in any way.

You can do things differently and better. In such a situation, try if possible:

• maintain the initiative by breaking off negotiations first;
• clearly justify the termination of negotiations;
• depending on the circumstances, describe the consequences;
• depending on the circumstances, outline the path to reconciliation and compromise.

Breaking off negotiations is the worst of all possible options. But you should also be prepared for it, since in this case it is not least about protecting yourself.

Thomas Wilhelm, doctor
consultant and trainer, philosophy teacher
University of Munich. The material is published
in an adapted translation from German.
Article from the site
- Distance Internet education

The broken record technique is a way to achieve your goal by repeating your demands and insisting on your reasons.

A typical situation is a conflict with the service sector. Let's say you bought yourself (seemingly) great shoes, but less than a week later the soles come off. You can, of course, fix it, but the store is closer, you still have the receipts, so it makes more sense to demand a replacement. The right is on your side, but no one guarantees you that in this particular store, in response to your request to replace your shoes (expressed, of course, in the form of a polite request), they will immediately smile at you and hand you another pair. It is likely that both the seller and the head of the section, called at your request (equally polite and equally firm), will resist. You probably know how this is done. You can:

• distract you from thinking: “Look for yourself, this is just such a game!”, or even: “Are you always such a brawler?”
• shoot down: “Enter our position!” or: “How do we know that you didn’t ruin this thing yourself?”
• shame: “Can’t you see how stupid you look?”, and also: “Look at the queue you’ve created!”,

your task here is one: do not get stuck on any of these points of view and actively promote your view: “Your actions are contrary to the rules, and I want you to replace this thing for me. Please be kind!” No matter what they tell you, you keep your goal in front of your eyes, and no matter how many attempts are made to deviate you from it, you return to it: “Yes, it’s possible. Replace this pair, please!

The conversation usually takes no more than ten minutes, the result is quite predictable, and, most likely, your new pair of boots will serve you their intended life.

The broken record method in raising children

Simple: repeat the same requirement many times without being distracted by excuses. All children are fluent in this method, it’s time for parents to master it too!