1. You feel that the boss is going to scold you. Assess the situation. If the boss has already decided to make you a scapegoat, then it is better to quickly agree with the claims and try to shift the conversation to how you can fix everything. If you actively resist, the boss will go into a rage in an effort to put you in your place. Don't give him this opportunity. You need to immediately identify the problem and involve the manager in a discussion of the problem (and not your stupidity): this and that happened, it’s worth doing this. “What do you think?” This allows you to transfer the dialogue from the emotional area to the area of logic and thus put out the “fire”. And besides, when you unite in solving a problem, you stand on the same side of the barricades and share responsibility.
2. You were detained at work, and a scandal is brewing at home. Do not try to compensate for a late return with a gift - this will cause even greater suspicion. Use the previous method - unite in solving the problem. Discuss the question something like this: “I don’t have to work, are you ready to support me? I was forced to work. If you want, I will start a conflict, but then we won’t get the bonus. But I’m trying for the sake of money for the whole family.”
3. You need to win over your partner during negotiations or your employer during an interview. If time is short, use generally accepted “anchors” (in psychology this is what “buttons” are called, by pressing which you get the expected reactions): friendly smiles, sharing recent positive news, a cup of tea or coffee, if the situation allows. If there is enough time, you can try to bring the person into a conversation that allows you to find out his outlook on life (for example, by offering to remember interesting stories from your own or someone else’s life). And then support your interlocutor’s values by saying that you think or would do the same as him, etc.
4. I would like to bring the person to a frank conversation. You can achieve frankness by moving the conversation out of the “superior-subordinate” state to maintain it as equals. Or translate it to another logical level: “Let’s discuss this life situation,” “Let’s talk like a woman to a woman,” “Let’s have a heart-to-heart talk.” You can tell your supposedly “terrible” secret (made up, of course) and end with these words: “I told you my secret, I would also like to receive a frank answer from you.” The same technique can be used in a conversation with your husband.
5. Body language can also help establish trust. There is a classic technique of mirroring gestures. Let's say your interlocutor is sitting in a fairly closed position - arms and legs crossed. First, you need to gradually adapt to the interlocutor’s posture and the rhythm of his breathing. Don’t act like a monkey right away, but do it quietly, in several stages. If you don't succeed the first time, there are 2-3 more attempts. And then begin to gradually take a more open pose. If a subconscious “docking” has occurred, then after you the interlocutor will also begin to open up. Now we can start talking about business.
6. Want to find out whether they are telling you the truth or deceiving you. Usually a person's eyes give him away. There is such a pattern: if a person remembers something - sounds, images - then his eyes involuntarily move to the left or up to the left (in relation to the interlocutor it will be to the right). If he composes or invents things, go to the right. Eye movements down to the left mean that a person is conducting an internal dialogue, down to the right - he is focused on sensations (for example, he feels hatred, anger, or has realized his guilt and is ashamed). Accordingly, if your interlocutor is telling the truth, then his eyes move to the left and up. If he lies and makes things up on the fly - to the right and up. The above is true for right-handers. With lefties it's the other way around.
7. If you want to demonstrate self-confidence, you should not use phrases like: “I think”, “It seems to me”, etc. There is such a “rule of quotation marks” - a reference to an authority or group of people. When you want to convince someone that you are right, you should never refer to yourself. This is a big mistake. In such a situation, counter questions immediately arise: “Who are you?” It is necessary to refer to authorities. Let's say: “Famous artists and reputable scientists had this opinion.” Or: “The generally accepted view of the problem is this... Don’t you agree with the opinion of the great scientists? Who are you?"
8. When your life is plagued by obsessive thoughts or worries, you need to switch to something else, “interrupt” the internal dialogue with another strong signal. For example, go to the shower, the gym, do some spring cleaning at home, or turn on a movie with an exciting plot.
9. How to hold back your tears if you want to cry? If you have been offended or humiliated in front of everyone, and you do not want to show that this has hurt you greatly, you need to try to turn the energy of the offense into anger. The goal of the offender is to offend. So, there is no need to show it to him. Try to get angry or try to laugh at something inside yourself - for example, you can look for something funny in the appearance of your boss or offender, or remember how he himself once got into a puddle.
10. How to ask for a favor correctly without being refused? To do this, you need to try to attach as little importance to your request as possible. Ask casually: “I took another bag today and forgot to change my wallet (or card). Would you mind borrowing a small amount for lunch?” If you focus too much attention on your request, emphasizing how important it is for you (“I’m so hungry, and I’ve run out of money, can you borrow it until payday?”), then you’ll have less chance. This is a general psychological law: the more significance you attach to your request, the more doubtful the person you ask will be.
11. How not to do stupid things when angry? You need to switch gears and let off steam. For example, run down the street, break a plate, scream, etc. You can take three deep breaths and three exhalations, and then slowly count to 10. After that, you will look at the situation with different eyes.
12. How to find out which of your friends likes whom. There is a simple secret: when a group of people burst into laughter, then, as a rule, everyone glances at the one who is more attractive to him. This phenomenon is easy to explain. When people meet for the first time, they first evaluate each other’s appearance, and then the inner world of each other. If the information seems funny to someone, then he is interested to see whether another, nice person shares his fun, and whether their values coincide.
13. How not to worry if an important event or meeting is coming up? A universal trick is to worry in advance. Imagine the worst possible picture of events in order to be as scared as possible. And when the event that frightens you occurs, by that time your emotions will mostly be wasted and burned out. This means it will be easier to cope with anxiety.
14. How to force yourself to do something if you don’t want to? Again, nightmare yourself in advance, imagine what the consequences will be if you do not fulfill your “duty”. Sometimes it’s better to get over it quickly than to drag it out and complicate the situation.
15. How not to yell at a child? If you feel like you’re about to scream, try to abruptly cut off your impulse and start discussing the situation: “Your behavior has really upset me now. Do you want to be yelled at and spanked?” The “reasoning mind” turns on, and the left hemisphere of the brain is activated (the right hemisphere is responsible for emotions). And after some time, analyze the situation to understand what exactly preceded your reaction and turned out to be the trigger. Awareness of this and analysis will help you prevent breakdowns in time.
People who are able to cope with changes in their emotional state are usually happier. They take things calmly and try to improve their own lives. There is no need to think that emotions cannot be controlled, since these abilities depend only on the presence of certain skills and habits. You just need to have the desire to develop your capabilities in order to learn to cope with yourself.
Try not to make premature conclusions in any situation. Before making decisions, it is always worth analyzing what is happening. An attempt to quickly respond to a problem may well turn out to be thoughtless and mistaken. To learn how to cope with yourself, develop the habit of taking a deep breath and counting to ten. This will help you focus on your thoughts rather than your surroundings.
After a short pause, the desire to express your reaction to what is happening may remain. In this situation, you will have to throw out your emotions so that they do not put pressure on you. In addition, anger may quickly disappear after taking a deep breath, and then there is no need to take special measures. The feeling of anger is quite destructive, but it does not have such serious grounds as hatred. Anger appears instantly and can go away just as quickly if you try to put your thoughts in order. Managing spontaneously arising emotions requires developing the ability to control oneself.
It is very important to pay attention to the moments when you start to panic. Panic seizes a person in many situations that do not pose a danger to him. A person can deal with his problems much faster if he simply stops panicking and starts solving existing problems in order of their priority. Memorizing certain information that will help you solve your problem will help you cope with panic. If you panic every time you miss your train or plane, remember the list of essential things you cannot do without during your trip. Panic can be overcome when at least some of the actions are brought to automaticity.
The reaction to what is happening should be adequate to the environment around you. During a business meeting, there is no need to show your emotionality, since this is not what is expected of you. When you find yourself at any holiday, it would be better to relax and communicate with people, rather than withdraw into your thoughts.
Don't let your mood change dramatically, as this will only push other people away from you. A quick change from a good mood to hysteria or aggression can harm you personally. Typically, adults control their behavior because they already have sufficient life experience and are responsible for their actions.
Remember that being depressed or aggressive will not change your life for the better. As a rule, people who can overcome minor troubles and are able to control themselves can achieve success.
So, you start to get irritated right in the morning: traffic jams, idiots who don’t know how to drive, a long line at the store, and so on. All these are circumstances that are beyond your control, and they spoil your mood and set the tone for the rest of the day.
Yes, such situations are beyond your control, but what about yours regarding these situations? Emotions determine your reaction to everything that happens in life. And they are very difficult to control. It's difficult, but possible.
Any reaction to people or situations, regardless of whether it occurs automatically, as a result of habit, or comes from conscious thoughts, is our choice. We choose to take responsibility for our actions or blame someone else. We have the right to choose who controls our lives. You make the day, or the day makes you.
How and why we love to play the victim
The psychology of the victim is built on the belief that we are not responsible for our actions and life circumstances.
Today, thanks to the Internet and social media, the habit of blaming, criticizing and not accepting life's circumstances has become a common part of daily communication. Modern people are becoming more and more sensitive, regardless of age. Sensitivity and vulnerability are seen both in the workplace and in educational institutions - schools and universities.
As sociologists Bradley Campbell and Jason Manning noted in their study Microaggression and Moral Cultures, we are taught to react to the slightest offense. Instead of solving problems on our own, we complain to other people so that they confirm our status as a victim, and we begin to depend on them in this regard.
All this gives rise to a feeling of helplessness. We plunge into powerlessness, blame others, talk about circumstances and feel sorry for ourselves: “If only X had happened, everything would have been better...”, “Why am I not her?” and so on.
In his book The Power of TED, David Emerald calls the psychology of the victim a terrible tragic triangle. The model of this triangle was developed by Dr. Steven Karpman back in 1960, but it is still relevant today. We constantly play one of the three roles of this triangle or all three in turn.
Tragic triangle
As a victim, we focus on the negativity in our lives and feel resentful of those who judge or criticize us.
As persecutors, we judge and criticize others, usually without anger or malice.
Finally, we turn to saviors who may come in the form of another person or other things to distract us and bring us relief.
Complaining is an excellent defense mechanism. A good way to convince yourself that you deserve better when things aren't going your way (and you're not doing anything to fix them). After all, it is much easier to complain and criticize than to create, lead and do something.
My life is filled with terrible failures, most of which never happened.
Mark Twain, writer
When you perceive circumstances as an external factor, you thereby give yourself permission not to move forward. You are not growing, no.
What to do? Increase your awareness, admit your mistakes and shortcomings and accept that you are responsible for your destiny.
How to overcome the victim in yourself and accept responsibility
Reverse the tragic triangle
The opposite of David Emerald's tragic triangle is dynamic improvement.
Dynamic improvement While victims focus on problems, creators get clear on what they want and take responsibility for their results in life.
Persecutors become rivals who help you learn and grow on your journey of self-discovery.
And finally, saviors become coaches and help the creator on the path to realizing his dream.
Moreover, in life the same problems, situations and rivals remain. We just look at them from a different point of view.
To move from victim mode to creator mode, take a moment and ask yourself a few questions:
- What is my ideal result?
- What intentions brought me to where I am in life?
- Who do I blame for what happens to me?
- To whom or what am I reaching out for salvation?
A similar philosophy of perceiving difficulties is present in the works of many philosophers: Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus and other Stoics.
The philosophy of Stoicism is based on the fact that we cannot control the events that will happen, but we can control our reaction to them. We are dissatisfied with our lives because we have allowed our emotions to control our thoughts and actions instead of using logic and rational thinking. We have forgotten that obstacles and failures are rich and development.
Author and marketer Ryan Holiday used these Stoic principles to tell the stories of great historical figures in his TEDx talk: Theodore Roosevelt, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Ulysses Grant. and Thomas Edison. People who looked at defeats and problems as opportunities for personal growth.
There is one thing that helps you not to get confused when meeting obstacles, not to get upset and not to give up in front of them. Few are able to do this. But after you learn to control your emotions, judge objectively and stand your ground, the next step becomes possible - mental switching. Click, and you begin to see not an obstacle, but an opportunity. As Laura Ingalls-Wilder said, there is good in everything if we look for it. But we are looking so badly... We close our eyes to real gifts.
Ryan Holiday
It is in our nature to believe that everything should happen exactly as we expect. And if it goes wrong, we refuse to accept it. For example, we complain about an annoying employee, when we could study his shortcomings, find similar ones in ourselves and improve our communication style.
Do the “day without complaints” exercise
During this exercise, you should not complain, gossip, judge or express dissatisfaction. Give it a try. Most likely, you will not be able to last even half a day without complaining.
Okay, it will help not to express negativity, complaints and gossip, but will it help to change the way you think? It will help. We think in words, so what we say is directly influenced by the words we run through our heads. Therefore they are also very effective. By repeating positive mantras, we influence how our brain filters and interprets information coming from outside. One study Self-Affirmation Enhances Performance, Makes Us Receptive to Our Mistakes has shown that affirmations reduce stress and improve problem solving and decision making.
When you create a day without complaints, you watch what and how you say to other people, learn to choose your words more carefully, avoid negativity and focus on solutions and positive responses.
You can practice this exercise all day long, or use it only in special circumstances, such as difficult life situations or when something really irritates you. This way you will learn to remain calm and positive and focus on finding a solution in stressful situations.
Our life is created by our thoughts.
Buddha
We cannot avoid difficulties, and we should not protect ourselves or our children from them. We must face obstacles head-on, because it is through experience and constant questioning and answering that we grow and succeed.
The next time you are faced with a difficult and annoying situation, think about what is more important to you: anger or personal growth?
Instructions
To control your emotions in a particular situation, use the old method: count to 10. When you are calm, you tend to make reasonable decisions, not for nothing that anger is bad. Under the influence of stress, we perceive the world around us painfully and at these moments we are very vulnerable.
Desire and uniqueness will help you. This is what you need to constantly grow on yourself, strive for. Develop your best qualities as much as possible. Self-improvement is long and painstaking work. You must become spiritually richer, become more interesting not only for yourself, but also for you. In difficult times this will be very useful to you.
Do some self-reflection. This means that you need to be objective about yourself and your actions. Be as honest with yourself as possible. start small. If you have conflicts with others, then soberly assess the degree of your guilt and the guilt of your opponent. This will allow you to look as deeply as possible inside yourself and your own perception of reality from different angles.
Useful advice
Take a good look at your strengths and weaknesses.
Sources:
- 37 laws of self-management
The art of self-management will allow you to become a balanced and integral person who boldly goes through life and enjoys every day. To master this art, you need to observe your behavior in a given situation.
Instructions
Get positive emotions. Perhaps you love watching movies that chill your blood. But after just a few viewings in a row, you will start to flinch at any unexpected sound, such as a phone ringing. Therefore, try to focus on pleasant impressions, smiles and a positive mood. Communicate more with cheerful people and soon you will notice that you yourself become a cheerful person.
Of course, something can happen in life that will overwhelm your patience and make you very upset or angry. At such moments, stay away from loved ones whom you may offend. Otherwise, all the anger will pour out on innocent heads, because no matter how you restrain your emotions, they will still make themselves felt sooner or later. To prevent this from happening suddenly, allow yourself emotional release: regularly engage in sports or any physical activity, go to a football match, where you can cheer for your favorite team, and at the same time relieve stress.
It is very difficult to control yourself during conflict situations or when you are provoked into aggressive behavior. In order not to turn a dispute into a bazaar, try to justify your answers and demand the same from your interlocutor. If you feel like you are starting to lose your temper, take a break, for example, take a sip of coffee. Speak firmly and decisively, but do not shout, even if they shout at you. In this case, it is better to use a defensive reaction and, while such a loud monologue continues, imagine a noisy interlocutor with big ears or a clown nose. This will inevitably make you smile, which means it will help you relax.
Do something every day to improve yourself. The motto of all people who have achieved a lot in life was formulated a long time ago and is quite simple: “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” This life principle will teach you to be on time everywhere, to be, and will also help you very quickly see the results of your own work. Make plans and follow them, not forgetting to leave room for a well-deserved rest.
Life is full of problems and temptations, and very often we follow our desires or sluggishly float on the waves of circumstances, having neither the strength nor the desire to resist them. The result in both cases causes negative emotions. We regret that we spent money, bought a lot of unnecessary things, did not dare to nominate ourselves for a vacant position with a higher salary, did not contain our emotions and thoroughly ruined our relationship with our other half or teenage child.
To avoid getting into such situations, you need to know how to manage yourself. The inability or unwillingness to learn this often leads to the fact that a person becomes a puppet in the hands of others, sometimes without even realizing it. Often having acted emotionally under the influence of an impulse, we can later regret the consequences, sometimes even for the rest of our lives.
Keep your emotions under control
There are many situations when our emotions can bring troubles of various sizes. Anxiety during an exam or job interview can prevent you from getting that coveted score or the position you dreamed of. The inability to cope with irritation is the cause of many everyday and sometimes professional conflicts. In order to emerge victorious from any stress, you need not only to know how to manage your emotions, but also not to forget to put it into practice at the right time.
For those who are worried about any reason, psychologists advise mastering relaxation techniques that can be used even in a crowded place, for example, during an exam or before an important speech at a meeting.
One of these techniques is breathing exercises. You can perform the exercises standing or sitting, but always with a straight spine and straightened chest. First, rhythmic breathing through the nose is recommended, for which you should alternately cover one nostril with your finger. Then breathing follows the pattern: inhale through the right nostril - hold your breath - exhale through the left nostril and vice versa. By the way, holding your breath is described in many sources as a way to combat irritation.
Analyze
In order to successfully cope with negative emotions, it is useful to try to understand what exactly causes them. We often get irritated because of fear of the unknown or fear of not being able to cope with the assigned task, of not being up to par. In this case, you need to mentally calculate the options in a calm environment, as if living the situation several times in different ways. Having experienced sensations, even if they are unreal for now, it is worth assessing their importance for yourself. It often turns out that the game (that is, the experience) is not worth the candle - those expected consequences that in fact turn out to be far from catastrophic.
To cope with the irritation that is caused by the behavior of other people that is incorrect, in our opinion, it is worth reflecting on why they behave this way. There is not always malicious intent behind what offends us. In order to be convinced of this, sometimes a calm heart-to-heart conversation is enough.
About desires
Those individuals who know how to learn to manage themselves tend to make a positive impression on others. People who are used to doing “whatever their left leg wants” do not inspire the trust of their acquaintances and make their own lives very difficult. Psychologists help to cope with such inappropriate behavior, but your own efforts can also bring results. The main thing is that a person must realize that his loved ones suffer from his spontaneous actions.
For example, if a woman understands that every trip she goes to the store makes a hole in the family budget, and things bought on impulse then gather dust without use, you can introduce a reasonable saving regime. To do this, before the next raid on the supermarket, you need to make a list of the goods you need to purchase and strictly adhere to it. Then you should calculate the approximate cost of the purchase and put in your wallet an amount not much greater than the received value. It's better to forget your credit card at home.
But it’s not always worth fighting your desires. Sometimes they stimulate creative thinking, forcing us to find an option for additional income that will help us buy the ring we like without harming the family.
My own psychologist
Psychology can teach you a lot: how to manage yourself, how to get rid of other people’s influence, how to increase stress resistance. If it is not possible to contact a psychologist or take a psychotraining course in person, you can ask for consultation online; now many psychological support centers have their own websites. Another option is to independently study the literature on this issue.
The greatest value for any person is his calm state of mind. A person who has lost peace cannot live normally, realize his dreams and bring joy to himself and those around him. External restraint, the need to only hide negative emotions are not helpful, since stress is driven inside and accumulates, waiting for the hour when it can explode. In order for the house to be in order, it must be maintained. To live in harmony with your “I” and the whole world, you need to maintain your mental balance.
