Living in the Karpman triangle is difficult and harmful. You need to get out of it. How and where – in other articles on the site. And this one is about where the most defenseless part goes, but its experience and conclusions do not dissolve without a trace, they must transform into a different quality. And from now on, instead of suffering from the aggression of others or waiting for help, you need to understand how Stop being a Victim and start living.
This is incomprehensible and difficult, because the usual patterns of behavior need to be thrown into the trash can and faced with life and... what's next?
Exit from the Karpman triangle
Who should the Victim become? A hero. Those who are not afraid, do not look back at others, do not seek help. And if he is looking for it, he pays for it. Responsible for his actions. That is, the opposite of Victim.
The victim does not disappear because his request remains urgent, it is this: “ Who will take care of me, who will help me? If earlier (in the Karpman triangle) it was solved by the Rescuer (from the outside world), now, with the transition of the Victim to a new level (Hero), someone else will solve it within the individual.
Tired of living with the psychology of the Victim
A victim is a person who sincerely believes that everyone around him wants to suppress or use him. And the whole world is against him. And, yes, " According to your faith it will be given to you“That’s how everything happens in his world.
With such a psychology, life is not sugar. All the time you need to look for someone who will help or guide - give advice, teach. The victim is looking for a Controller, but he then transforms into an Aggressor, Executioner, Tyrant. These are all the same company. Because the Controller first prescribes certain behavior, then severely punishes for non-compliance with the instructions.
It’s hard to live in this, I’m tired, I want to escape. For example, wife, or husband, or child lives with the psychology of the Victim. What does it mean? This means oppression, resentment, guilt, self-pity. This means - very often - physical violence. The main thing is they. Victims in families are unhappy... They do not have the main thing for a person - freedom. There is always someone above them who controls their life.
And they drag this misfortune, not knowing which ditch to throw it into. And all around are Controllers, Tyrants, Aggressors or even Executioners (it doesn’t matter what you call them - the essence is the same). They appear in the form of new partners, employees and even friends. If you get rid of one, a new one immediately appears, as in the fairy tale about the Serpent Gorynych.
And all this is not about love and security - on the contrary.
How does a person fall into the role of Victim?
As always - in childhood. A classic family - a strict father (Controller), a caring mother (Rescuer), a child - due to age and inexperience, occupies the vacant role of Victim. And then he carries and recreates this model in all his relationships.
In modern conditions, roles can change. Mom is the Controller (aka Tyrant-Aggressor), dad is the Rescuer. This does not change the essence, the emotions remain the same, and the vicious circle of events remains the same.
How much is possible?!
“We live in the role of the Victim” - this is no longer for us
If we really want to change our life, we move to the level of the Hero - the opposite of the Victim,
The victim transforms
One (main) part of it becomes a Hero - strong, responsible for itself, relying on itself.
And the second now lives deep inside - this is the part of the personality that responsible for a small, defenseless child.
All 
people sometimes feel small and defenseless. Such moods can be provoked by situations that return to childhood traumas - events of the past that were not experienced emotionally and not accepted in time. Now, in adult life, this could be illness, a breakup, or even just a quarrel with a loved one, stress, fatigue (emotional or physical exhaustion), excessive involvement in other people’s problems, and of course, the death of loved ones.
What can you do to console yourself?
What should be done in this case? Take care of YOURSELF like a small child. Give YOURSELF the attention and love in the form that you need right now. Ask yourself: " What do I want? What can console me? » It could be delicious food, relaxation, entertainment, shopping. Sometimes the simplest thing helps is to go to bed a couple of hours early.
The difference between the Victim and the Child within you is that The victim seeks help from the outside, realizing his hidden benefit (being unhappy is beneficial - you attract Rescuers - why take responsibility for your life if others are always ready to take it?)
The Former Victim is the Inner Child
By moving to the Hero stage, you do not suppress your vulnerable and weak part (inner Child). You always know about her and do him (yourself) good. Only you know where your “good” is and how to get there.
From now on we no longer live in the role of the Victim
Because most of the personality still remains an ADULT.
What is adulthood? This is knowing your limits and your resources. That is why, being a Hero, you do not always agree to the challenges of the outside World, trying not to expose yourself to those tests and overloads that exhaust you. And if this happens (there is always a risk and the Hero knows about it), you yourself nurse your inner Child and find a way to re-enter a resourceful state.
The Victim (the wounded Child) occupies no more than 5% of the personality of a mature Hero, and the more strength and experience he gains, the less often he feels the Victim in himself. So, gradually, throughout life, childhood traumas are eliminated.
Controllers, Aggressors, Tyrants and Executioners no longer have power over you. You yourself determine what and when to do, and you are responsible for the consequences.
This is adulthood, and this is happiness. How to stop being a Victim and start living?
This question is no longer relevant. Instead of problems, goals appear - and there, in the future, life is so interesting that Tyrants and Aggressors, and with them Controllers, are nothing more than road signs that clarify your path. And we don’t need Rescuers...
Have a nice trip!
What are your thoughts on this? (comment box awaits your opinions!)
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This problem is one of the most pressing in our time. Its scale is so large and contradictory that it is impossible to establish the exact percentage of people susceptible to victim syndrome. We know one thing for sure - if you have this syndrome, then there can be no talk of self-development.
The main problem in this case is that people simply do not notice the signs of victim syndrome in themselves. They may feel like this and behave like this, but as soon as you talk to the person about it, he denies it. The danger of victim syndrome is that it becomes a way of thinking (not even a skill), so it is extremely difficult to eradicate it.
You may not have this mindset, but your loved ones probably do. It infects a person in all areas of his life and completely paralyzes the ability to realize himself in life. Therefore, if you have loved ones with victim syndrome, perhaps our article will help you influence their lives.
Blaming, complaining about an unhappy life, apologizing for oneself and others - these are just some of the signs of this syndrome. This leads to dissatisfaction with life and a complete inability to take responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences. It is impossible to achieve great success in life if a person is constantly looking for excuses in external circumstances. This leads to a complete inability to influence one’s destiny in a positive way. In addition, such a person himself becomes the cause of his own troubles, because he attracts them with his thinking. If you want to be a victim and constantly have huge problems, you will get them. You just have to instill in yourself this way of thinking.
Who is the victim? This is a person who has given control of his life into the hands of others: the government, other people, external circumstances, chance, fate. Any trouble that happens to such a person is perceived aggressively by him. He is unable to look for the roots of all problems in himself. While self-development involves faith and confidence in yourself, taking responsibility for your decisions and finding out the causes of your problems. That is, in essence, a developing person and a victim person are complete opposites.
Interestingly, almost every person is susceptible to this syndrome to one degree or another. Perhaps in the area of business or health you think absolutely clearly and correctly, you know how to cope with difficulties, but in other areas (relationships in the family, with a loved one, friends) you experience great difficulties. This is quite possible, because each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. And if we show our strengths in one area, it means we think correctly and are confident in ourselves. In other areas, our shortcomings come out and instead of realizing this, we begin to blame external circumstances. This can be seen in the many great people who are successful in business, but are completely unable to cope with problems in their personal lives, simply because business and personal life require completely different skills.
So if you're generally happy with your life, try to find areas where you have a victim mindset, otherwise it can fester and have a negative impact on everything you do.
Consider a simple question: “Who is 100% responsible for the quality of your life?” Here are the possible answers.
- Parents
- Family
- Environment
- Country you live in
- Friends
- Colleagues
- Children, wife/husband
- Genetics
- Your childhood
However, you yourself understand that there is simply no correct answer here. However, answer yourself honestly - how often have you shifted responsibility onto these people and circumstances? And in what cases? What areas? Maybe you didn’t directly blame the circumstances, but you probably had such thoughts. And if so, then the victim syndrome resides in you too. Remember that circumstances can affect your quality of life, but there is no point in blaming. Blaming paralyzes the ability to think clearly, make clear decisions, and take correct actions.
Areas where victim syndrome occurs
It's easy to take responsibility for your own successes. Of course, because you achieved and deserved it. What about failures? There are so few people in the world who take responsibility for them. If everything is fine in your relationships with others, you feel that you are doing everything right and understand that you deserve it. If a relationship is going through difficult times, it is easy to blame other people or simply fate.
What about emotions? If you are in a bad mood, you can easily blame external circumstances again, although you understand that happiness, joy and peace always come from within. Take responsibility for your mood, your emotions and feelings.
Take responsibility for everything unpleasant accidents. This may seem like a radical point of view. After all, how can we accept responsibility for things that do not depend on us? Of course, it’s not your fault that the financial system collapsed and you lost your job and all your money, but accept responsibility for that too. This does not mean living with, here the matter is completely different. The skill you need to master is how you respond to a given situation. A person who lost all his money during a crisis will blame circumstances (which is true), but he will be in a stupor for some time. If not your whole life. A person who takes responsibility even in this case will immediately think about how to solve this problem and perhaps next time minimize the risk of losing everything.
People love to complain about circumstances. We have already talked about them - genetics, country of residence, family, and so on.
How often do you blame other people in your failures? It's quite convenient. There are a lot of people, which means you can find a target for accusations everywhere - on the street, at work, at home, in transport.
Take responsibility for these six areas. You may not be able to succeed in all of them at once, so you can cover them gradually. For example, you can start with your emotions. From now on, any negative emotions and experiences are your responsibility. Even if you meet an extremely unpleasant person, recognize that over time you can learn to communicate with such people and not experience any negative emotions. Look at such people with curiosity, not anger - and this will help you avoid unpleasant emotions. Control and manage your emotions rather than letting them control you.
Spectrum
Let's imagine a straight line, which represents a scale. At one end of the spectrum (on the left) is victim behavior. It includes complete unconsciousness, automatic reactions to external stimuli and constant accusations. At the right end of our scale is full responsibility for one's actions and full awareness. There are quite a few people found at the ends of this scale; these are extremes that are practically impossible in real life. However, you should strive for the right with all your might. The majority of people fall between these extremes. Let us highlight four types of thinking located on this scale - from the worst thinking model to the best.
- Sacrifice. Lack of action and apathy. In order to become a victim, you don’t need to strive for it, you just need to accept it by default.
- Fighter. This is a person who lives in a world where everyone conflicts and competes, there are only enemies everywhere. Such people think that life is an eternal struggle and you must always fight for your own. However, this struggle will never end and happiness will never be achieved. Such a person lives with the feeling that if he wins, the other will lose and vice versa.
- Creator. Such a person treats any problem with interest. It does not cause him negative emotions and does not affect his self-esteem. He is in an eternal search and he often manages to find ways out of the most difficult situations. He knows how to cooperate and resolve conflicts.
- Man of Peace. In this case, the word “peace” can be interpreted as “Earth” and as “tranquility, peace.” Such a person does not need control at all. He manages to intuitively avoid many of the troubles and difficulties of life. Of course, there are only a few such people and not everyone wants to become such a person.
A creator is the most promising choice, because such a person is able to solve not only his own problems, but also those of others. Such people are valued, their opinions are listened to, and they achieve great success.
In addition to the fact that you probably drew conclusions and listened to the recommendations in this article, we will give you two more tips that can change your thinking.
Forget about the past
When we talk about the past, we even mean what happened ten seconds ago. We all know very well that you can’t bring back the past, but which of us uses this knowledge? You can think about what happened and reflect on it when you journal, but if your decision is required, calm your emotions and take action.
You control your reactions
Yes, perhaps something happened to you for which it was not your fault. However, you can always control your reactions to what happened. This is what true control is. Moreover, you can interpret the situation however you wish. And if your interpretation allows you to act, great, you did everything right. But if it blocks your actions and turns on the victim syndrome, record these thoughts in your head and never think like that again.
What does it mean to be a victim
These signs will help you understand that you are in the position of a victim.
1. You have no control over your own life
The victim is forced to have a way of thinking, a pattern of behavior, and even a style of clothing. The steering wheel is almost always in the wrong hands.
Victims are primarily those who spend their lives dictated by other people. They discover that they are doing things that deep down they dislike, or are being drawn into activities that are alien to them, bringing mainly only a feeling of regret.
2. You are operating from a position of weakness
People with a victim complex often believe they are not smart or capable enough to take a proactive stance. Therefore, they choose a position of weakness: they shift important decisions to other people who, in their opinion, are stronger and firmer. Victims avoid independence even in small things: they give up the right to choose a dish in a cafe or obediently go to a movie they don’t want to watch.
3. Life isn't working for you
If it seems that you spend all your energy and time to please others, are forced to adapt and do what you don’t like out of a sense of duty, you are in the position of a victim.
4. Anxiety and self-deprecation are your companions
The victims suffer from an inferiority complex. They belittle themselves in every possible way in their internal dialogue and in front of other people. This manifests itself even in small things. For example, a person does not accept compliments, keeps a burnt piece of pie for himself, or agrees to.
Alternative Behavior: Free and Strong Personality
The opposite state of the victim complex is personal freedom.
Freedom means that no one is stopping you from managing your own life according to your choices. To settle for anything less is to choose a form of slavery.
"How to get rid of the victim complex"
Do not buy into the tricks of people who suggest that freedom means selfishness and irresponsibility. Responsibility is the result of choice, you take it upon yourself voluntarily. In no case should it fall on you at the whim of someone else or under pressure from society.
“The freest people in the world are those who are at peace with themselves: they simply do not pay attention to the claims of other people, because they themselves effectively arrange and direct their lives,” writes Wayne Dyer in his book.
How to get out of the victim position
1. Believe in your worth and stand for it.
The first step to overcoming the victim complex is realizing the value of your personality. Don't let anyone challenge or diminish your importance. Never put yourself below others.
2. Start acting like a strong person
Develop the habits of free and independent people, get rid of self-condemnation and complaints about life. Do not expect gifts from fortune, rely on your own strength.
Practice assertive behavior in everyday situations
To become a strong person, you do not need to perform feats or control others. It is enough to act from a position of strength in ordinary life situations. Practice regularly and over time acting confidently will become second nature.
Here are some tips that you can put into practice every day.
1. Stop asking others for permission
This, of course, is not about forgetting about politeness and invading other people’s borders. The bad habit of victims is that they ask for permission to do actions that are within their boundaries and should be done without someone else's permission.
Be explicit about your legal requirements or make your intentions clear. Instead of asking “Can I exchange the item?” present the seller with a fact: “I want to return the money for the suit, it doesn’t fit me.” Don't ask your partner if you can go to a party or a football match. Communicate your plans directly, without excuses or blame.
You are an adult and can act in your own interests without someone else's permission.
2. Show confidence when speaking
Look your interlocutor in the eyes, speak clearly, without long hesitant pauses or interjections, and do not walk in circles. Posture and facial expressions are very important. Stand straight (slouching is a sign of an insecure person), do not grimace, get rid of nervous gestures.
3. Don't help people if you don't want to.
This may sound harsh. But how many times have you already lent money when you didn’t want to? Or how many times have you listened to your comrades’ complaints about life simply because it’s what you’re supposed to do? Refusal does not make you a bad and callous person. Remember: if you act like a victim while helping other people, you will be taken advantage of. Do good deeds out of a pure heart and free will, and not out of decency or guilt.
4. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself and share with other people.
Victims often choose every word and fear that any information will be used against them. Don't bother yourself with these kinds of fears. Years of fear of showing your true nature in public causes you to forget who you really are and what you want.
Communication is meaningless and empty if you don't open up to other people.
Of course, the information must correspond to the situation and the degree of trust between the interlocutors. Don't go to extremes. The ability to maintain balance is another sign of a strong personality.
5. Demand high-quality performance of the services you pay for
Check receipts in stores, bills in restaurants, expiration dates and safety of goods. If you are not satisfied with the quality of services, do not hesitate to request a replacement or compensation. Don't let the people you pay turn you into a victim. Don’t just shrug it off and silently leave the store or restaurant - demand quality service, a replacement dish, or a refund.
Learn and exercise your consumer rights. For your money you have the right to get a good product or delicious food. This does not mean that you should argue and create scandals on any occasion. The client can always vote with rubles - simply refuse to pay for bad service or damaged goods. Going to a restaurant or store where you are not treated at all is a victim's lot.
To say goodbye to the role of the victim once and for all, it is enough to make a firm decision to take your life into your own hands. Independence, confidence, a sense of self-worth - these are the basis of the behavior of a free person. If you decide to make this a reality, then Wayne Dyer's book “How to Get Rid of the Victim Complex” will be a great help.
Probably, each of us is trying to find a “soul mate” who will respect our interests and feelings and take into account our opinion. But it often happens that a loved one becomes a huge disappointment, and the “injured” party feels like a “victim of love.” This can go on for a long time, passion does not save the situation, and sooner or later even ideal sexual harmony comes to naught. There may be several unsuccessful marriages, where replacing a partner will not lead to the desired harmony in the family, and the “victims of love” experience sincere surprise - how can this be, after all, I am a good person!
Indeed, people with a soft, passive attitude towards life evoke unaccountable sympathy. They are pleasant, compliant, delicate. The fear of conflicts forces them to endlessly apologize, agree to unfavorable offers, and accept imposed conditions. Outwardly, these people are conflict-free, peaceful, sincere. Their usual words in awkward situations are “no problem”, “no problem”, they are reliable and agree to fulfill requests that are a burden to them, or even to the detriment - moral or material. It is easy for such people to “sit on their heads,” which is what happens most often. They tend to forgive deception, misdeeds, and even outright impudence. Yielding to more dominant personalities, “victims of love” push their feelings, interests and needs to the periphery of life, devoting themselves to fulfilling other people’s desires, trying to comply with conditions imposed from the outside.
If you look at what is going on “behind the scenes” in the soul of such a person, you can see that the apparent lack of conflict is an illusion. By keeping their emotions to themselves, these people sometimes say “yes”, suppressing internal protest. Experiencing humiliation, they will not “fight back” instantly, although dark aggression accumulates inside them. And when the cup of patience is overflowing, these quiet people are capable of a powerful emotional explosion that can blow existing relationships and an established life to pieces. Their rebellion comes as a complete surprise to those around them, and the result of such a rebellion most often becomes internal devastation, prolonged stress and depression, total disappointment in their partner and low self-esteem.
How to change yourself, how to stop being a “victim of love”? The most important thing is to get rid of the fear of losing your partner. Perhaps the fear of denying your partner anything comes from childhood? Don’t be afraid to turn to a professional psychologist, train your willpower and tactfulness, wean yourself from thoughts of manipulating people - and then attempts to manipulate your fears will be broken by your confidence and calmness in decision-making.
You need to learn to say “no” if unfavorable or inconvenient conditions are imposed on you, or if they ask for favors that are a burden to you. The refusal should be gracious but firm. In this way, you will teach your partner to take into account your time, energy, feelings and interests. And there will simply be no reason for internal irritation and hidden anger.
Remember: you have your personal space, and no one is allowed to invade there without permission or establish their own rules there. Gently but adamantly stop attempts to control you - to read your letters, to tear you away from necessary matters, subordinating your personal time to momentary whims and urgent demands. True, there are two sides to this: you also need to understand that control over another person destroys relationships, so you shouldn’t secretly “inspect” your partner’s personal space. Respect the boundaries of your own and others' freedom.
Express your thoughts directly, in a correct, non-offensive form, demand the same from your partner, gradually “straightening” the relationship. True, you will also have to be an attentive listener, learn to put yourself in the place of another and understand another point of view. The most correct words in the dialogue should be the following formulas: “I would like...”, “it seems to me that...”, “I think that...”. Give your partner a chance to explain their position. Such dialogue strengthens personal relationships and promotes mutual understanding and respect.
An unreliable partner will not approach a self-confident person, because he will immediately feel that manipulation at the level of personal relationships is impossible and useless. A confident woman will attract a strong and reliable man, and a confident man will attract a sincere and devoted woman. Self-confidence is not born with a person, but develops throughout life.
The basis of confidence is respect for one's own personality and the personality of others. If a person does not know how to build a life together on self-respect, it is unlikely that a potential partner will respect his “other half.” And if you do not respect your partner and go over your head, it is possible that one day your union will be broken into pieces when your partner runs out of strength and patience. Be attentive to your partner; you cannot be blind in relationships. After all, the price to pay for blindness may be an undeveloped personal life.
