How to overcome codependency. Psychological online help

That morning it all ended for her. The hell in which she lived for two years and could not find the strength to get out of it was over. For the first time in many years, she breathed deeply, full of strength and desire to live and be happy without fears, open to everything new and, most importantly, internally free, and not a codependent woman. She succeeded, managed to cope with codependency. The fight was not for life, but to death. She ended the relationship with him in order to save herself, and not turn into a hysterical and not very adequate woman.

Codependency is similar to alcoholism and drug addiction. It’s like you’re addicted, but not to such things, but to emotions that aren’t the most pleasant. This is dependence on a specific person with whom you do not feel happy, but you stubbornly remain in a relationship that is destroying you. Often such men abuse alcohol or drugs. He is addicted to substances, and you are addicted to him.

Yes, I'm codependent!

She once admitted it to herself and began to act. For almost two years she was in a relationship with a manipulative, future alcoholic, and mental abuser, which meant that he did not speak to her for months, and her attempts to somehow contact him ended in ringing beeps on the phone.

Before this, there was a six-month relationship with a drug addict, his manipulations and her desire to save him. The first time she realized that something was wrong was when she started giving him money. But He considered them not her money, but their common money.

But let's return to the last relationship. She began attending trainings on self-love, overcoming codependency, increasing self-esteem, and attending constellations.

She began to intensively save herself.

So, her plan was like this:

1) Admit that you are codependent and cannot cope with it yourself!

2) Find a psychologist who will “wash” your brain.

4) Present the entire process of “treatment” for codependency as an experiment in which you can try to behave in a new way. Try and see how I behave in this, and how I behave when I’m like this.

Yes, at first it will be very difficult, just very difficult. After all, it’s hard for women who are always tolerant, understanding and forgiving to even just tell a man that he doesn’t have the right to treat her like that. So, this means coming only when it’s convenient for him, not being responsible for his promises, ignoring attempts to talk and always pretending that nothing happened, not paying attention to her interests and desires.

5) Self-love.

As you know, women with low self-esteem are in codependent relationships, who for some reason decided, or someone put it into their heads, that they are not worthy of being treated well. Someone has been telling them for half their life, usually their mothers, that they need to endure everything, understand everything and forgive everything. But the reality is that self-love is not based on these rules. This is what codependent women lack in self-love, otherwise they simply would not have ended up in such relationships, because they did not allow themselves to be treated that way.

And so, the principles of self-love:

1. Always put yourself first. What does it mean to answer the questions: what do I want now? Is this important to me? Do I want this behavior from a man towards me? changet?

2. I am not responsible for how I was heard. I am responsible for what I said.

3. I am not responsible for the feelings of others. I am responsible for my feelings. And if someone decided to be offended, this does not mean at all that I wanted to offend him, and vice versa.

4. I decide for myself how and what to react to. I am responsible for my reactions.

5. I have the right to independently determine what is bad for me and what is good.

6. Work on your self-esteem. You can undergo training by carefully choosing a specialist.

7. Create your own criteria for a man’s good and bad attitude towards you. And in future relationships be guided by it. Seeing the relationship, you will immediately be guided by whether the relationship is good or whether it is bad for you.. Okay, that means everything is going as it should. Bad, that means something went wrong!

To summarize, I will say that, in my opinion, there is only one formula for getting out of codependency - changing your attitude towards yourself and, as a result, changing your behavior. And also in the opposite direction, you change your behavior, then your attitude towards yourself changes. Because when you tell your partner what you don’t like, what hurts you, what offends you, this is normal. What is normal when your opinion and interests are taken into account by your partner. At this moment you stop committing betrayal of yourself, and there was already a lot of it when you endured what you didn’t like!

This is an introductory excursion into the story of “How I “treated” my codependency.” In future publications I will cover all points separately with examples and recommendations. I hope my experience will serve as an example or motivation for someone, or the first step towards their own personal happiness.

Good luck to everyone, and see you again!

This is the main characteristic of codependents on which all others are based. Hence such a feature of codependents as an outward focus. These people are completely dependent on external assessments, on relationships with others. Codependents do not know how to accept compliments and praise properly. It may even increase their feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Numerous shoulds dominate in their consciousness and vocabulary - “I must”, “you must”.

Low self-esteem can be a motivation for wanting to help others. Since they do not believe that they can be loved and valuable on their own, they try to “earn” the love and attention of others and become indispensable in the family.

2. The desire to control the lives of others.

Codependents believe that they can control everything in the world. The more chaotic the situation at home, the more efforts are made to control it. They think they can restrain or drug their loved ones.

Codependents are confident that they know better than anyone in the family how events should happen and how other family members should behave. To control others, they use persuasion, threats, coercion, advice, and emphasizing the helplessness of others (“my husband will be lost without me”). They instill in others a feeling of guilt (“I gave you my whole life, and you...”) or use gross dominance and manipulation.

The problem of personal venality in the professional activity of a psychologist

Trying to take control of uncontrollable events leads to depression. Codependents view the inability to achieve goals in matters of control as their own defeat, as a loss of the meaning of life. Other outcomes of the controlling behavior of codependents are frustration and anger.

Codependents take responsibility for others while being completely irresponsible regarding their own well-being. They eat poorly, sleep poorly, do not visit a doctor, and do not know their own needs. By saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he will continue to use alcohol or drugs.

The attempt to “rescue” never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior for both the codependent and the dependent. Such “care” for others presupposes the incompetence, helplessness of the other, his inability to do what a codependent loved one does for him. All this makes it possible for codependents to feel constantly necessary and irreplaceable.

4. Feelings.

Many actions of codependents are motivated by fear, which is the basis of any addiction. For codependents, this is the fear of facing reality, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of losing control over life, the fear of the worst. When people are in constant fear, they tend to become rigid in body and soul. Fear fetters freedom of choice. In addition to fear, the emotional palette of codependents is also dominated by anxiety, shame, guilt, lingering despair, indignation, rage, resentment, self-pity, and anger. These emotions are called toxic. They are used as defense mechanisms.

Personal qualities of a psychologist-consultant

Another characteristic feature of the emotional sphere of codependents is the nullification (clouding) of feelings or even a complete rejection of them, which helps to increase tolerance of negative emotions. Gradually, codependents become more tolerant of emotional pain. Negative feelings, due to their intensity, can be generalized and spread to other people. Self-loathing can easily arise. Hiding shame and self-hatred can look like arrogance and superiority over others (this is a transformation of feelings).

5. Negation.

Codependents use all forms of psychological defense - rationalization, minimization, repression, projection and others, but most of all - denial. They tend to ignore problems or pretend that nothing serious is happening. For example, when parents observe a state of drug intoxication in their son or daughter, they can explain this with anything, but not drug use.

Codependents easily deceive themselves, believe lies, believe everything they are told if it corresponds to what they want. They see only what they want to see and hear only what they want to hear. Denial helps codependents live in a world of illusions, because the truth is very painful. Deceiving yourself is always a destructive process both for yourself and for others. Deception is a form of spiritual degradation. Codependents deny that they have signs of codependency. It is denial that prevents them from asking for help for themselves, prolongs and aggravates the patient’s addiction and keeps the entire family in a dysfunctional state.

Psychologist on Skype

6. Diseases caused by stress.

These are psychosomatic disorders in the form of gastric and duodenal ulcers, colitis, hypertension, headache, neurocirculatory dystonia, bronchial asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmia. Codependents get sick because they try to control something that is fundamentally uncontrollable (someone's life). They work hard and spend a lot of energy trying to survive. The emergence of psychosomatic diseases indicates the progression of codependency.

7. Defeat of the spiritual sphere.

Spirituality within the framework of the concept of codependency is defined as the quality of relationships with the subject (person) or object that is most important in life. The most significant and valuable are relationships with yourself, with family, society and God. If in a patient, as the disease develops, these relationships and the values associated with them are replaced by relationships with a chemical substance, then in codependents - by pathologically altered relationships with a sick family member.

How to get rid of codependency?

You need to get rid of old habits of behavior. They are the ones who can contribute to relapse. in this case, the focus is not on one patient, it also includes his family. After all, addiction is a family disease, so treatment and prevention should also be family.
Psychological assistance to codependents provides enormous benefits to themselves in the form of health improvement and personal growth, as well as to their dependent relatives and children growing up in the family. For children, this is an essential element in preventing the development of addiction. It should be recalled that children with addiction constitute a high-risk group for developing addiction to both psychoactive substances and its non-chemical forms - workaholism, gambling addiction, fanatical commitment to any activity, overeating, love addiction.
Involving the family in therapy speeds up and improves the recovery process of a patient with addiction, reduces the level of stress among relatives, and increases the level of family cohesion.
Psychological counseling is recommended for women who are in partnerships with men who are dependent on alcohol. Counseling can develop into long-term productive psychotherapy.
There is ample evidence of the greater effectiveness of treatment for alcoholism with the involvement of the social environment, in particular the family. The family can both contribute to the recovery of the patient and “get better” themselves.

A 19-year-old girl, a successful student, very pretty, well-mannered, was looking for a psychologist “for any money” (with a plea for help in her eyes she came to me for a consultation) who could help her understand what was happening to her. The girl lives in a private house outside the city with her parents and two little sisters. She is dating a guy, is a good student, works part-time in her free time, has an interesting social circle and friends, loves her mother and sisters, and enjoys helping her family with housework. Gives the impression of a happy person. What's the problem? Stepfather, a very good doctor, a respected man... drinks heavily. And when he is “tipsy,” which happens very often lately, terrible things happen: screams, scandals, he raises his hand against his wife and adopted daughter, my client, who is trying to protect her mother. Binges have become the norm in the life of his stepfather, a doctor; he does not go to work during periods of binges. And what does a family do, cover for its breadwinner, since it is very shameful to “wash dirty linen in public.” “I’m ready to give up my life, to do everything to make my mother feel good. What should I do to save my mother and sisters?” - this was the request for therapy. And then there was a story about a guy with whom a girl is dating, there is a problem in the relationship - he often drinks. The girl doesn’t like this at all, but “I love him so much and I’m ready to fight for him...” says the client. Probably, everyone knows many such and similar stories, but few people know that codependency, like addiction, is a chronic, serious, fatal disease. And in this story there are four codependents - a mother, my client and two little sisters, preschoolers, who automatically become codependent, because... their father is an alcoholic...

The problem of codependency is very relevant all over the world, particularly in Ukraine. In our society, which depends on a certain mentality, codependency is a part of society that negatively affects the life of a particular person and society as a whole. Codependent relationships interfere with a person’s full life, depriving him of the opportunity to feel joy and pleasure, love, realize himself and improve himself.

Correcting codependency is a long process, since it is necessary to significantly change the usual way of life. Liberation from codependency encounters resistance from society due to relevant traditions and stereotypes.

The concept of “codependency” in modern psychology

Codependency has not yet been sufficiently studied in the world and is not classified as an independent nosology, but is interpreted as a complex personality disorder.

V. D. Moskalenko describes a codependent personality as a person who is completely focused on managing the behavior of another person, without thinking about satisfying his own needs. Codependent people are those who are married or in close relationships with people with chemical dependency, individuals who were raised in emotionally repressive, dysfunctional families where there was addiction or a strict upbringing where the natural expression of feelings was prohibited. Growing up in such a family creates conditions for the formation of psychological characteristics that become the basis for codependency.

Feeling dependent on others.

Being in a controlling relationship that demeans the individual.

The need for constant praise and support from others in order to feel that everything is fine.

A feeling of powerlessness that anything can be changed in a destructive relationship.

The need for alcohol, food, sex, work, and other distracting stimulants to distract from problems and worries.

Uncertainty of personal boundaries.

Feeling like a victim, a jester.

Inability to feel true intimacy and love.

Codependency is not only a secondary phenomenon associated with the alcohol or drug addiction of a loved one, it is also a disorder of personality development that was formed in early child-parent relationships.

A standard example of codependency is the family relationship of an alcoholic and his wife, where she has been unsuccessfully trying for many years (0 years...) to save her life partner from an addiction and, thus, depriving herself of her own life. She carries her own and someone else’s cross, but this burden is beyond her strength, and she will fall under the unbearable load.

Codependent relationships often arise between mother and child, father and child, brother and sister, and even close friends. Therefore, every person has the risk of falling into the trap of codependency.

Codependents are those who react incorrectly and ineffectively to alcoholism, drug addiction or other addiction of loved ones and build relationships with them according to the Karpman triangle, acting simultaneously as a persecutor, a rescuer and a victim.

The goal of the codependent is to receive negative attention, relieve oneself of responsibility, stabilize self-esteem, implement negative children's programs, etc. The adult state is absent in these roles.

Behavior: passivity, constant complaints, demonstration of one’s unviability, no resources or someone needs to change for “me” to be happy.

Goal: to be saved or punished.

Emotions: self-pity, resentment, melancholy, suffering...

Cognitions (thoughts): “I cannot solve my problems, my situation cannot be solved, I was treated unfairly,” etc.

The psychology of codependency is the psychology of an eternal victim who opposes the injustice of the world, wants everyone to pity and protect her, and at the same time makes no attempts to change her life.

Behavior: aggressive, constant accusations, acts solely in his own interests; constantly looks for flaws in others, is in a negative position towards people, criticizes, controls.

Goal: to seize someone else's territory, to punish others.

Emotions: anger, powerlessness, superiority, hatred, anger.

Cognitions: “Everyone owes me - others must do as I see fit, people must be controlled, and those who are guilty must be punished.”

Codependents constantly use various methods of manipulation to get help and sympathy from others.

Passive-aggressive behavior, excuses, actions are aimed at saving others (at the same time the Victim forgets about himself), does more for others than he wants to do, salvation occurs in such a way that in the end everyone remains dissatisfied, problems are not solved.

Goal: building barriers.

Emotions: guilt, righteous anger, irritation, pity, resentment.

Cognitions: “I must save, prevent trouble at any cost, they won’t be able to cope without me.”

The “rescuer” feels responsible for the life of a relative and convinces himself that he must always take care of him, no matter what the cost. Especially in our country, many women have been putting up with drunken husbands for decades, not because of weakness of will, but because of the peculiarity of the mentality: “you should always help your loved ones,” “you can’t abandon a person in trouble,” our women imbibe with their mother’s milk. And, at first glance, what's wrong with that?

The life of the Rescuer depends entirely on the needs and desires of the addict. Rescuers do not know how to say “no”; they take on most of the addict’s responsibilities and adjust their lives to suit him. As in the story of my client: the wife practically raises the children on her own, does most of the housework, is the main breadwinner in the family, while resignedly putting up with her husband’s drunken antics and covering for him. A codependent quickly loses the ability to love himself, defend his desires, and denies himself the right to personal needs. Since they have very low self-esteem, they do not dare to express their interests and needs, they are afraid of condemnation in society if they refuse the “rescue mission”.

Relationships built according to the Karpman triangle become a substitute for real intimacy.

A way out of this triangle is possible if you build a Partnership triangle, in which the roles will be distributed in this way: Teacher-Assistant-Student.

Codependency on an alcoholic or drug addict is a short path to psychological disorders and destruction of personal life. The person stops living his own life and prioritizes responsibility and care for the addict. Therefore, they very quickly lose their social circle, forget about hobbies and long-term plans and dissolve into a dependent person, without realizing that in this way they are ruining him too.

Constant stress, tension, anxiety, and low self-esteem negatively affect mental health; often, several years after living next to an addict, the codependent develops severe depression and other disorders, and suicidal thoughts may appear.

In addition to the danger to social and psychological health, a codependent person has a high risk of becoming addicted themselves: often the wives of addicts, out of despair, themselves begin to take a drink in order to better understand their husband, to become closer to him, and subsequently become patients at drug dispensaries.

Sleep disorders, eating disorders, and psychosomatic diseases are also life companions of a codependent.

In modern psychology there is no single approach to treating codependency. But it has been studied and argued that treatment should be aimed at, firstly, overcoming secondary codependency - expanding the behavioral spectrum of interaction with the addict through a clear understanding of the characteristics of one’s behavior, which contributes to or opposes the continuation of use and the development of the disease.

Secondly, the traumatic experience must be worked through at a conscious level: it is necessary to identify the origins of the development of codependency, reveal personal potential and resources, and work through the sphere of emotions and feelings. Those. cover multifactorial manifestations of codependency: cognitive-emotional, behavioral, psychophysical.

Thus, with my client we built our work at the following levels:

Cognitive – identifying negative automatic thoughts, rules of life, working with inadequate behavioral strategies and their destructive impact on psychological processes and social life.
Emotional - identifying emotional deficits, developing skills of conscious expression of feelings, developing empathy.
Behavioral - changing or abandoning destructive forms of behavior, learning healthy forms of behavior
Psychophysiological - developing the skills of relaxation and regulation of functional states using the Mindfulness technique.

There are Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon groups all over the world - groups for codependents, where a person can get help and support for free. And also a “School for relatives” of addicts, where you can listen to lectures by specialists on this problem for free.

A complete recovery from codependency and addiction is hardly possible, but learning to live with it well is absolutely possible. In my practice, there are a large number of codependents who cope very successfully with their problem and live full lives.

Work continues with my client and her mother, they are highly motivated, have a great desire to help themselves, so there is no doubt - we can do it!

I'll be happy to help if anyone needs help!

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Comments

Complete recovery from codependency and addiction is hardly possible

I understand that the past cannot be erased or changed as we want, and changing is not easy and takes a long time - from thoughts to behavior. In addition, a person cannot be completely independent in society. But still, please tell us what exactly, in your opinion, remains in us from this virus, and despite what it is possible to “live a quality life”?

Leaving an alcoholic or drug addict and replacing him with another is a common occurrence. This suggests that the person not only does not recover, but aggravates his codependent situation.

Codependents who have learned to live a full life are those who have realized the causes of their illness - the inheritance of destructive parental behavior patterns, the origins of their low self-esteem, understanding why I found myself an alcoholic husband, and accepted themselves with their strengths and weaknesses. These are those who got rid of the feeling of guilt “It’s my fault that he uses.”, learned to respect themselves, their needs and feelings, respect the boundaries of others and defend their boundaries. These are women who have learned to love themselves and have taken responsibility for their lives. They made a conscious choice: to continue saving, controlling, sacrificing, manipulating loved ones, or still start “educating themselves.” Recovering codependents stop provoking the addict to use with their behavior, do not give reasons for breakdowns, and change themselves. And a family is a system, in a system, if one of the links begins to change, the rest need to somehow adapt. At first there is terrible resistance from loved ones, but if you firmly follow the new behavior, the addict will have no choice but to adapt. (In America, they do not undertake treatment for addicts until the family has undergone appropriate rehabilitation. Because the addict, after treatment, ends up in the same environment , will very quickly return to the bad habit). And here there are two options for the development of relationships: the addict stops using and begins to change his life. I know such cases, and they are not isolated. The second option is that a woman breaks up with her addict and begins to live according to her new beliefs and values. And can subsequently have a healthy family. Such “miracles” are possible if the codependent is very motivated and wants to recover and improves himself.

You are referring to Moskalenko. Yes, she wrote a good book, but there are also B. Wilson, M. Beatty, V. Novikova, E. Savina, who, unlike Moskalenko, have seen from their own experience the effectiveness of the 12 Steps program and the communities working on its basis.

But “what’s wrong is not healthy” - women who attend groups for years and do not recover, these are not mythical creatures, but real people.

I also enjoyed reading the authors listed above. I'll add Weinhold's "Liberation on Codependency" - one of my favorites! I “advertise” Al-Anon groups and tell people about them, because... Often codependents with their misfortune have no idea where to look for help. Thank you for not remaining indifferent to this topic!

How to overcome codependency. Psychological online help.

How often do you experience anxiety or depression in relationships? How often do you blame yourself for something or engage in self-criticism? Do you often see doctors about somatic diseases or disorders? If all your answers were the word “often,” then you can confidently add yourself to the group of people suffering from codependency on their partner (husband, wife or other relative living with you). In this case, you need online psychological help to break this vicious circle.

Codependency is:

There is no single concise definition of codependency. But I’ll still try to give you a definition of codependency. A codependent person is someone who is completely absorbed in controlling the behavior of another person and does not care at all about satisfying his own vital needs. Codependency in a certain sense is a denial of oneself.

people who are married or in a loving relationship with someone who is addicted to psychoactive substances;
parents of patients with addiction to psychoactive substances;
people who have one or both parents with substance abuse problems;
people who grew up in emotionally repressive families;
people suffering from addiction before and after the active period of the disease.

What contributes to the emergence of codependency in relationships (according to V.D. Moskalenko)?

Son does not allow you to arrange your personal life - consultation with a psychologist

2. The desire to control the lives of others.

Codependents believe that they can control everything in the world. The more chaotic the situation at home, the more efforts are made to control it. They think they can control their loved ones' alcohol or drug use.

The problem of personal venality in the professional activity of a psychologist

Personal qualities of a psychologist-consultant

Psychologist on Skype

6. Diseases caused by stress.

7. Defeat of the spiritual sphere.

How to get rid of codependency?

You need to get rid of old habits of behavior. They are the ones who can contribute to relapse. Psychological assistance in this case does not focus on one patient, it also includes his family. After all, addiction is a family disease, so treatment and prevention should also be family.

Psychological assistance to codependents provides enormous benefits to themselves in the form of health improvement and personal growth, as well as to their dependent relatives and children growing up in the family. For children, this is an essential element in preventing the development of addiction. It should be recalled that children with addiction constitute a high-risk group for developing addiction to both psychoactive substances and its non-chemical forms - workaholism, gambling addiction, fanatical commitment to any activity, overeating, love addiction.

Involving the family in therapy speeds up and improves the recovery process of a patient with addiction, reduces the level of stress among relatives, and increases the level of family cohesion.

There is ample evidence of the greater effectiveness of treatment for alcoholism with the involvement of the social environment, in particular the family. The family can both contribute to the recovery of the patient and “get better” themselves.

Child psychologist - via Skype

How to overcome codependency. Psychological online help: 7 comments

I would like to know more, how to get rid of codependency, help, my daughter is growing up, how can she not get caught in the same networks in the future?

Hello, Tatyana! To get rid of codependency, you need to work with a psychologist. Since the roots of codependency run deep into the behavior of the codependent and into thinking, so it is difficult to identify, track and change everything on your own - resistance and psychological defenses will interfere. I work with this problem as a psychologist and am ready to help you! During my work, I give many questions for self-analysis and independent work, which speeds up the process of psychotherapy and makes it possible to achieve greater results in fewer sessions. The first changes can usually be noticed after the first consultation! To schedule a consultation with me, just email me

I would like to sign up for a consultation on this topic. How can I do this? And one more thing: the family will not go to “healing”. Can I handle it myself?

You can definitely do it! I'm waiting for you for a consultation!

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What is codependency? Self-test, ways to get out of co-dependent relationships

Codependent people are completely absorbed in the task of saving a loved one. In a certain sense, codependency is a denial of oneself, one’s desires, interests and feelings. But they don’t notice this, the importance of their own interests is lost.

Types of codependency, ways to get out, seven love languages

Codependent behavior is formed not in marriage with an addicted person, but much earlier - in the parental home. Codependents are characterized by feelings of self-doubt. The desire to receive love and increase the sense of self-worth is realized by showing “concern” for others. They are confident that another person will not love him simply for who he is; they believe that love must be earned.

Codependent people do not know how to define their own boundaries, where “I” ends and the other person begins. Problems, feelings, desires - they have everything in common, everything between them.

The main behavioral traits of codependents are: the desire to “save” loved ones; hyper-responsibility (taking responsibility for another person’s problems); life in constant suffering, pain and fear (as a result of “freezing” of feelings - It is difficult for such a person to answer the question: “What do you feel now?”); all attention and interests are concentrated outside of oneself - on a loved one.

Dependent people, on the contrary, have a reduced sense of responsibility. Their existence is possible only in union with a codependent person who takes upon himself the solution to their problems.

Typically for codependency:

delusion, denial, self-deception;
compulsive actions;
“frozen” feelings;
low self-esteem, self-loathing, guilt;
suppressed anger, uncontrollable aggression;
pressure and control over another person, intrusive help;
focus on others, ignoring one's needs, psychosomatic illnesses;
communication problems, problems in intimate life, isolation, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts.

We can distinguish three typical roles of codependent people (Cartman’s triangle):

Stages of codependency

How does codependency develop? After all, there’s no such thing: today everything is fine, but tomorrow morning you wake up and, bang... you’re codependent. Even if all questions with predisposition are included, then everything is still not that fast. Darlene Lancer, family therapist and codependency specialist, cites 3 stages of its development

Early stage

1. Formation of attachment to addiction. Offering and providing gratuitous assistance, support, gifts and other concessions.

Middle stage

1. Denial and minimization of painful aspects (yes, he stole money, but there was still little of it there, yes, it was lying under a fence, but the fence was good and there was no dirt around)

Late stage.

1. Constantly depressed mood.

A codependent is someone who has allowed another person's behavior to influence their own. A codependent is obsessed with controlling the behavior of the addicted (for example, alcohol) person.

The behavior of a codependent is a type of adaptation, the purpose of which is to satisfy one’s needs through caring for someone who, for some reason, is not able to take care of himself. As the savior role progresses, the codependent forgets about his own needs and problems. As a result, even if a physical breakup occurs with an addicted person, codependents transfer the virus of their “disease” to future relationships.

The behavior of codependents is manifested in too much guardianship, taking full responsibility for the financial and emotional well-being of another person, lying and hiding from others the negative consequences of the addict’s behavior in order to continue to remain in a relationship with him. In the long term, rescuers become completely responsible for their partners, and their own mental and physical health disintegrates. It is also believed that “helpful people” have serious problems with self-control.

You feel dependent on people, you have a feeling of being trapped in humiliating and controlling relationships;
See the meaning of your life in your relationship with your partner, focus all your attention on what he is doing.
You use relationships the way some people use alcohol or drugs, becoming dependent on the other person and thinking that you cannot exist and function independently.
If you tend to perceive other people's problems as your own, which indicates that you are not able to determine your psychological boundaries. You don’t know where your boundaries end and where other people’s boundaries begin.
You have low self-esteem and therefore have an obsessive need for constant approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well for you;
Always try to make a good impression on others. If you often try to please other people without trusting your own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs.
You listen to other people's opinions and do not defend your own views and opinions.
You try to become necessary to other people. If you are ready to “break yourselves” to do something that, in your opinion, only you can do for other people, although in fact other people can do it perfectly well for themselves.
You play the role of a martyr. You suffer, however, you do it nobly. You are ready to put up with situations that are unbearable for you, because you believe that it is your duty to do just that.
You are confident that you can control other people and are constantly trying to do this, without admitting to yourself that you never succeed “perfectly.”
If you don't understand what's going on with your feelings, or don't trust them, and only express them when you think you can afford it.
If you are gullible and often find yourself in situations in life where other people deceive you or do not meet your expectations.

Codependency test

Read the statements below carefully and put in front of each item the number that reflects your perception of this statement. You should not think long about the answers to the proposed judgments. Choose the answer that most closely matches your opinion.

Test questions:

I find it difficult to make decisions.
It's hard for me to say no.
I have a hard time accepting compliments as something I deserve.
Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no problems to focus on.
I usually don't do for others what they can do for themselves.
If I do something nice for myself, I feel guilty.
I don't worry too much.
I tell myself that everything will be better for me when those close to me change and stop doing what they are doing now.
It seems like in my relationships I always do everything for others and they rarely do anything for me.
Sometimes I become so focused on the other person that I neglect other relationships and things I should be responsible for.
It seems like I often find myself involved in relationships that hurt me.
I hide my true feelings from others.
When someone offends me, I carry it inside me for a long time, and then one day I can explode.
To avoid conflicts, I can go as far as I want.
I often have fear or a feeling of impending disaster.
I often put the needs of others above my own.

To get the sum of points, reverse the point values for points 5 and 7 (for example, if there was 1 point, then replace it with 6 points, 2 with 5 points, 3 with 4 points, 6 with 1 point, 5 with 2 points , 4 - by 3 points) and then add up.

Point amounts:

33-60 - moderately severe codependency,

61-96 - pronounced codependency.

If a person prone to codependency finds himself in a close relationship with an addicted person, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc., then codependency becomes a disease. Without treatment, codependency progresses over time and deprives a person of the ability to build normal relationships with other people. Even if a codependent person manages to break off such a relationship, he is either forced to live alone, or, as a rule, builds a new relationship with the addict again.

Independent exit from codependency.

Giving up complicity in addiction is very difficult. Relatives of addicted people sometimes feel as if they are being asked to abandon their loved one. What it really means is that you need to return to yourself. It is important to take into account (just take into account) the feelings of a loved one in your actions and provide support to him, but at the same time you need to clearly delineate areas of responsibility (do not do for him what he can do himself, do not think for him, do not wish for him). Don't let others take advantage of your feelings and your love.

Codependent people also need the help of a psychologist. It is difficult to realize and accept the fact that you need to start helping yourself. But this is the only way you can learn to build warm and close relationships without compromising your own interests.

Is it possible to get out of a codependent relationship on your own (opinion of psychotherapist Anastasia Fokina):

I get asked these questions so often, and I answer them so often with comments on various posts, that it doesn’t help at all, since questions continue to be asked. Indeed, it can be very difficult to finish reading the entire cloud of comments; often I myself forget where exactly I answered such questions in order to provide a link. So I finally decided to dedicate a whole post to answering it.

If you can’t get out of a codependent relationship (my note) on your own, then how can you?

With the help of a therapist?

And if there is only one partner in therapy, is there a chance? Because you can’t drag the second one there for anything.

Hopefully, changes in one thing will lead to a change in the dynamics of the relationship. What do you think about this?

So here's what I think about this:

Dependence, the formation of which is caused by an early traumatic situation in a primary relationship, is practically not processed by the psyche itself without the support of a therapist, and sometimes more than one. The fact is that the origins of the difficulties that an adult faces are often so deep that even their simple understanding, that is, bringing them to consciousness, can be very difficult. Moreover, you have to realize a lot again.

Your real relationship with your parents, what was it really like?

Did your parents love you and what kind of love was that?

Were your parents good or bad? What were they really like?

Are people basically only bad or only good?

Did what happened to you in the past depend on you? And now?

What can you really change and what can't you? What are your limits? Your responsibility?

What are you really like? What is your contribution to your life's difficulties? And many, many others.

But here it is clear that simply recognizing them will not lead to an improvement in the situation in life; you will have to rethink, experience, process and learn a lot in order for life to improve. Therefore, I’m not the only one who thinks that with such profound things you need to go to a specialist and be prepared to spend a lot of time on it. Those mental defenses that people with early trauma have can be very difficult not only for independent work, but also for working in therapy with a therapist.

In addition, you will need someone on whom you can now count, with whom you can restore lost trust. From whom it will be possible to learn something, including the fact that all people are dependent on each other in one way or another, that needing something from others and receiving is not a sign of weakness, and also receive the implementation of those functions which your personality was not enough for development at one time.

Of course, I don’t want to say that you can’t do anything on your own. This is far from true. Often people send me letters saying that reading my diary helped them a lot in solving their problems. Did the journal really help? Perhaps he provided just some direction, some insight, some outside perspective that the person needed. The work, of course, was done by the man himself. Sometimes the work is very big. But this suggests that he has developed those functions that another may not have, and his work alone will not be so successful.

In addition, codependency is the difficulty of being with someone, the difficulty of creating and maintaining relationships, the inability to receive satisfaction from relationships due to broken trust. Trauma often creates an impenetrable cocoon of protection around the core of a person’s personality from any encroachment by the love of others. Coping with serious forms of such protection on your own is unrealistic. Restoring trust in others alone is also an impossible thing; on the contrary, it is only strengthening the bastions of defense, strengthening the idea on which the life of a rejected child is often based. Namely: “I have to cope with everything alone.” Sometimes it is this statement that needs to be changed, and it can only be changed with the experience of trust.

Sometimes, in less difficult cases, a person can do a lot for himself with the help of reflection, cultivating awareness, bodily practices, and creativity.

I’m only saying that processing early trauma implies a very deep immersion into oneself, in which case a person needs a relationship with another both as a missing resource, and as an insurance and guarantee that it will be possible to return from there and this journey will not become so dangerous to be afraid to commit it.

Will one partner's movement towards recovery help the relationship as a whole? Because “dragging” the other into therapy ahead of themselves (and others generally see the root of all troubles in the other), trying in every possible way to save the partner, “explain” to him, “let him understand” and so on - this is just “it”, obvious a sign of your codependency.

Sometimes your recovery means your relationship does change, but not always for the better. If your partner is interested in your dependence on him or in his deep dependence on you, then your refusal to always serve as a “donor” to him, to be his soul mate, to complement him, to do something for him that he does not want to learn himself, can greatly upset, and he can break off the relationship and go look for a new “donor”-rescuer. It may happen that a relationship in which there is no development will bore you first, and then you will break it off, going to look for another, healthier and more relationship-oriented person.

Another scenario for the development of the situation may occur: your partner, seeing the improvement in the quality of your life, may begin to feel envy and feel his interest in such an improvement. In this case, later, he can find himself a therapist.

In some cases, indeed, if your partner was more stable than you, the relationship can “get better” only thanks to your efforts in working on yourself. In such cases, you will begin to turn towards your partner in different directions than before, and you may also find him somewhat different than you saw him before.

Your relationship may still be codependent, but you may find it more satisfying. Therefore, not everyone and not everyone may need therapy. And not everyone considers it something useful for themselves.

You may remain traumatized, but your life may be good enough for you without therapy, which means you have had enough compensation.

THERAPY IS NOT NEEDED FOR ALL PEOPLE WITH SIMILAR PROBLEMS, CODEPENDENCY RELATIONSHIPS IS THE NORM OF TODAY, AND NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO CHANGE THIS. THIS (the fact that someone does not want to change anything globally) IS NOT A PROBLEM, YOU CAN COMPLETELY LIVE WITH THIS.

In order to decide on therapy, you need strong motivation to really do something for yourself, create, change, or, on the contrary, accept what is available, which will also ultimately change something.

If a person says: “Well, I really want to go to therapy, but I just don’t have enough time, money, a good therapist, strength, or emphasize what is needed,” this means that it’s probably worth just taking a more honest look at your opposite desire. You're not there, you don't have it. This means that now you want something else. It is important to accept and respect your decisions, whatever they may be.

The secret of overcoming codependency (opinion of Mark Ifraimov)

Before you read this secret, I ask you to remember: reading deciphered secrets will never replace practice, action, in other words, body movements. Without practice nothing will happen. Use my gift. And if you are an arranger, my technique will very quickly allow your client to achieve the result for which he turns to you.

Codependency is a form of symbiosis

Codependency comes from symbiosis.

The child and mother are initially a single, integral being. Just like the heart or liver are an integral part of the body.

The child eats with his mother, breathes with her, lives with her. He is connected to her by an umbilical cord. The umbilical cord is a way for him to transfer life from his mother to him.

We are so accustomed to this fact that we do not notice obvious things. Obviously, during 9 months of life through the umbilical cord, we get used to being part of our mother, part of her joys and sorrows.

For the sake of our larger part, we, as a small part, as the creation of our mother, are ready to make any sacrifice. For her sake, we will suffer, save, and blame all our lives. Until she becomes happy.

Or until we understand that we made all these childhood decisions as a being in the stage of symbiosis, dependent through the umbilical cord on the one who gave life, gave food and the opportunity to breathe.

I want you to understand my words correctly: each of us loves our mother so much because we are part of her, but we do not realize that most of our decisions that make us suffer and not achieve our desires were made during symbiosis with our mother , who herself has not yet had time to self-realize as an integral personality.

When we cannot create the life we dream of, we are codependent. We immerse ourselves in the role of victim, accuser or savior in order to use this role to make the mother and the one for whom she suffers happier.

Mom may suffer because of our father, because of her father, because of her mother, because of someone. It doesn't matter who makes her suffer. It is important to understand that her suffering makes us limited in our ability to create, unfree, dependent on her happiness and mood.

We need a way out of codependency with her, from dependence on her condition.

The umbilical cord is the magic key to the gates of freedom

Cutting the umbilical cord at birth does not make us free. We are so helpless, weak and unconscious that immediately cutting the umbilical cord only worsens our situation.

By delaying cord clamping, you reduce the risk of iron deficiency anemia in your baby. Increasing evidence suggests that early cord clamping is not the best practice and can lead to health problems. Globally, about a quarter of all preschool children suffer from iron deficiency anemia, which can negatively affect the development of a child's brain and nervous system.

Some more food for thought:

In the museum of Altai culture you can see strange ethnic bags that women tied to their belts and kept the umbilical cords of their children in them. They knitted bags during pregnancy. Then the umbilical cord was dried and was not removed from the belt. As soon as a child fell ill, they crushed small particles into a hot drink, gave it to him to drink, and the child recovered.

Scientists began studying dried umbilical cord and discovered that the immune components contained in the umbilical cord are unique and ideal for the child to whom the umbilical cord belongs.

The umbilical cord is the bridge between the child and the mother, which returns the child to health, vitality and independence, no matter how strange it may sound.

What should those who feel insecure, depressed, lacking the strength to achieve their goals, unworthy of being close to a cool, high-status life partner, dependent on other people’s opinions, do?

Answer: use the conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with your mother and, by consciously connecting with her, gain the opportunity to become a mature, independent person.

Firstly, what is a conditional umbilical cord?

The umbilical cord is a connection with the mother, synchronization with her. As your mother breathed, so did you breathe through the umbilical cord, being in her belly. What she ate was what you ate too.

Nothing has changed in principle. Now you have the same habits that your mother instilled in you since childhood.

But if you now consciously return to symbiosis with your mother, then, having completed your gestalt with her, having satisfied your unsatisfied needs, you will be able to get out of codependency.

To do this, you use an analogue of the umbilical cord - synchronized breathing.

Synchronized breathing is breathing where inhalations and exhalations are performed synchronously, without a pause. Inhalation is carried out consciously, with the use of effort, and as you exhale, you simply let go of the body and it itself, without effort, exhales.

Try to inhale through your mouth or nose right now, and then let go of your body and exhale (the same way you inhaled: if you inhaled through your mouth, then exhale through your mouth, if you inhaled through your nose, then exhale through your nose). And try to breathe like this for 10 seconds. Did it work? You see - everything is simple.

Secondly, what does it mean to use the conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with your mother?

This means using synchronized breathing in order to breathe together with your mother your state of unity with her.

Is mom's presence necessary at this moment? No, your real mother's presence is not necessary. But we need to put in her deputy instead and breathe with him.

Techniques for getting out of codependency

I think you are now ready for the complete technique for overcoming codependency.

Ask someone close to you, preferably female, for example, a friend, to become your mother for 20 minutes.

As in a normal arrangement, appoint her as your mother. Place your hands on her shoulders from behind and tell her: “Now you are not you (not Masha, for example), now you are my mother.”

Stand facing her, hug her and begin to breathe synchronously with her, adjusting to her pace and breathing rhythm. When you fully enter into synchronized breathing, remember everything that bothered you in your relationship with her and breathe out your feelings and thoughts.

The word “breathe” literally means: breathe at the moment when you think or feel something. Just breathe and stay in sync.

Breathe until you move from pain and heaviness to lightness and release. Your subconscious mind itself knows what it is to breathe through your feelings and thoughts. Your body will free itself from discomfort.

When you feel light, you can stop synchronous breathing with the deputy and remove him from the role of your mother, saying: “Now you are not my mother. Now you are you (Masha, for example).”

Why does this technique help you overcome codependency?

Any psychologist can explain to you the mechanism of human projection.

Projection is the tendency to make the environment responsible for what comes from the person himself (F. Pearls).

In other words, projection is the transfer of one’s attitude towards someone from one’s early childhood experiences onto one’s current environment.

And even simpler, the way you treat your mother is the way you treat all women. The way you treat your father is the way you treat all men.

When your umbilical cord was cut, you slowly forgot that you and your mother were once one, you began to consider yourself “I”, and her “Not I”.

In the world of individual objects, it seems to us that this is how it is: mom and I are different.

But the unmet needs that existed at the time the umbilical cord was clamped still force you to look for a way to make the parent happy. The main unsatisfied need at that time was and remains - the need for unity.

Your unity with your mother was broken at a time when you were not ready for it. Violation of this need could cause you to protest and lead you to another need - the need for reproach. You can read more about this in Stephen Wolinsky’s book “Love Relationships.”

The illusion that there is a Me and a Not Me is what makes people suffer, protest, be revolutionaries, go to war, fight against someone, condemn and kill. These are all forms of codependency.

And it all starts with one moment in life: with the observation that mom is unhappy.

When you, through synchronized breathing, merge into one being with the one you denied, the illusion of separation disappears, and you understand at the level of sensations that you can accept another person.

YOU AND HE ARE EQUAL. EQUAL.

This equanimity is the way out of codependency. And you no longer need to feel like an insignificant, unworthy person next to someone who is very dear to you. You are no longer a victim, an accuser, or a rescuer. You don't need burning huts and galloping horses to prove your love.

From now on, you can simply enjoy yourself, being at one with the world and life. Because mom is the world and life.

And you can do the same technique with your father. After all, the father, as Hellinger said, is the key to the world. Father is your strength, respect for you, and therefore material well-being, money.

I want you to have a good understanding of how your personal stability and well-being is achieved in all areas of your life. Just connect with your roots, mom and dad, stop separating them from yourself at the moment when you yourself have not yet established yourself as a person, and all their power will come to you and fill you with love that other people will want to be attracted to you. Like members of your family. Or like your customers.

The secret to getting out of codependency is real unification. As equal to equal.

Synchronized breathing is a tool for overcoming codependency. Believe me, until you include your body in this process, and only think about this concept with your mind, nothing will change.

You will still be looking for a soul mate (see the article Looking for a soul mate? You have codependency, after all!), the true purpose of which will be to find for yourself a resource for your own safety in the person of this half. So that this half does for you what parents, mom or dad should do: ensure survival, satisfy needs, give pleasure.

And the other half will always try to avoid fulfilling the parental functions assigned to her. As a result, he/she will either run away or begin to sabotage sex with you, because parents do not sleep with their children. And you will have no choice but to be disappointed in your other half or in yourself and start looking for a new one.

But when you complete your gestalt with your parents and are psychologically born, having realized and satisfied all your needs in relationships with mom and dad, you yourself will become that Source of satisfying the needs of other people, to which both “halves” and mature individuals will reach out.

There you will be able to consciously choose your life partner, your conscious love. With this person you will become not 0.5+0.5 = 1, but 1+1=3.

Why three? Because synergy will work. That is, your joint creativity will create something more in the world than just a union of two. You will be able to create global value. What will remain for your descendants after your life. This is what everyone wants. Something that makes you feel inspired and inspire those around you.

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