EVGENY SHVARTZ
ORDINARY MIRACLE
characters
Master
Mistress
Bear
King
Princess
Ministeradministrator
First Minister
Court lady
Orinthia
Amanda
Innkeeper
Hunter
Hunter's Apprentice
Executioner
A man appears in front of the curtain and speaks quietly and thoughtfully to the audience:
– « An ordinary miracle- what a strange name! If a miracle means something extraordinary! And if it’s ordinary, then it’s not a miracle.
The answer is that we are talking about love. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other - which is common. They quarrel – which is also not uncommon. They almost die of love. And finally, the strength of their feeling reaches such a height that it begins to work real miracles - which is both surprising and ordinary.
You can talk about love and sing songs, but we will tell a fairy tale about it.
In a fairy tale, the ordinary and the miraculous are very conveniently placed side by side and are easily understood if you look at the fairy tale as a fairy tale. Like in childhood. Don't look in it hidden meaning. A fairy tale is told not in order to hide, but in order to reveal, to say with all your might, out loud what you think.
Among characters In our fairy tale, closer to the “ordinary”, you will recognize people whom you meet quite often. For example, the king. You can easily recognize in him an ordinary apartment despot, a frail tyrant who deftly knows how to explain his outrages by considerations of principle. Or dystrophy of the heart muscle. Or psychasthenia. Or even heredity. In the fairy tale, he is made a king so that his character traits reach their natural limit. You will also recognize the minister-administrator, the dashing supplier. And an honored figure in hunting. And some others.
But the fairy tale heroes, who are closer to the “miracle”, are devoid of everyday features today. Such are the wizard, and his wife, and the princess, and the bear.
How do such people get along? different people in one fairy tale? And it's very simple. Just like in life.
And our fairy tale begins simply. One wizard got married, settled down and started farming. But no matter how you feed the wizard, he is always drawn to miracles, transformations and amazing adventures. And so he got involved in love story those same young people I spoke about at the beginning. And everything got confused, mixed up - and finally unraveled so unexpectedly that the wizard himself, accustomed to miracles, clasped his hands in surprise.
It all ended in grief for the lovers or in happiness - you will find out at the very end of the fairy tale.
Disappears
Act one
Estate in the Carpathian Mountains | large room, sparkling clean | on the hearth there is a dazzlingly sparkling copper coffee pot | bearded man, enormous growth, broad-shouldered, sweeps the room and talks to himself at the top of his voice | this is the owner of the estate
Master
Like this! That's great! I work and work, as befits an owner, everyone will look and praise, everything with me is like that of other people. I don’t sing, I don’t dance, I don’t tumble, like wild beast. The owner of an excellent estate in the mountains cannot roar like a bison, no, no! I work without any liberties... Ah!
Listens, covers his face with his hands
She's coming! She! She! Her steps... I have been married for fifteen years, but I am still in love with my wife, like a boy, honestly So! It's coming! She!
Giggles shyly
What a trifle, my heart is beating so hard it even hurts... Hello, wife!
The hostess enters, still young, very attractive woman
Hello wife, hello! It’s been a long time since we parted, just an hour ago, but I’m happy for you, as if we haven’t seen each other for a year, that’s how I love you...
Scared
What's wrong with you? Who dared to offend you?
Mistress
You.
Master
It can't be! Oh, I'm rude! Poor woman, standing there so sad, shaking her head... What a disaster! What have I, damned one, done?
Mistress
Think about it.
Master
Well, where is there to think... Speak, don’t be tormented...
Mistress
What did you do this morning in the chicken coop?
Owner (laughs)
So it’s me who loves!
Mistress
Thank you for such love. I open the chicken coop, and suddenly - hello! All my chickens have four legs...
Master
Well, what's offensive about that?
Mistress
And the chicken has a mustache like a soldier.
Master
Hahaha!
Mistress
Who promised to improve? Who promised to live like everyone else?
Master
Well, dear, well, dear, well, forgive me! What can you do... After all, I am a wizard!
Mistress
You never know!
Master
The morning was cheerful, the sky was clear, there was nowhere to put any energy, it was so good. I wanted to fool around...
Mistress
Well, I would do something useful for the economy. They brought sand over there to sprinkle the paths. I would take it and turn it into sugar.
Master
Well, what a prank this is!
Mistress
Or he would turn those stones that were piled near the barn into cheese.
Master
Not funny!
Mistress
Well, what should I do with you? I fight, I fight, and you are still the same wild hunter, mountain wizard, crazy bearded man!
Master
I'm trying!
Mistress
So everything is going nicely, just like with people, and suddenly pop - thunder, lightning, miracles, transformations, fairy tales, all sorts of legends... Poor thing...
Kisses him
Well, go, dear!
Master
Where?
Mistress
To the chicken coop.
Master
For what?
Mistress
Fix what you did there.
Master
I can't!
Mistress
Well please!
Master
I can't. You yourself know how things are in the world. Sometimes you mess up, and then you fix everything. And sometimes there’s a click and there’s no turning back! I already have these chickens and with a magic wand beat them, and curled them like a whirlwind, and struck them seven times with lightning - all in vain! This means that what has been done here cannot be corrected.
Mistress
Well, nothing can be done... I will shave the chicken every day, and turn away from chickens. Well, now let's move on to the most important thing. Who are you waiting for?
Master
No one.
Mistress
Look me in the eyes.
Master
I'm watching.
Mistress
Tell the truth, what will happen? What guests should we receive today? People? Or will ghosts come and play dice with you? Don't be afraid, speak up. If we have the ghost of a young nun, I will even be glad. She promised to bring back from the other world a pattern for a blouse with wide sleeves, such as was worn three hundred years ago. This style is back in fashion. Will the nun come?
Master
No.
Mistress
It's a pity. So there won't be anyone? No? Do you really think that you can hide the truth from your wife? You'd rather deceive yourself than me. Look, your ears are burning, sparks are flying from your eyes...
Master
Not true! Where?
Mistress
There they are! That's how they sparkle. Don't be shy, admit it! Well? Together!
Master
OK! We will have guests today. Forgive me, I'm trying. Became a homebody. But... But the soul asks for something... magical. No offense!
Mistress
I knew who I was marrying.
Master
There will be, there will be guests! Here, now, now!
Mistress
Correct your collar quickly. Pull up your sleeves!
Owner (laughs)
Do you hear, do you hear? On his way.
Approaching clatter of hooves
It's him, it's him!
Mistress
Who?
Master
The same young man, because of whom amazing events will begin for us. What a joy! That's nice!
Mistress
Is this a young man like a young man?
Master
Yes, yes!
Mistress
That’s good, my coffee just boiled.
Knock on the door
Master
Come in, come in, we've been waiting for a long time! I'm very glad!
A young man enters | dressed elegantly | modest, simple, thoughtful | silently bows to the owners
Master (hugs him)
Hello, hello, son!
Mistress
Sit down at the table, please, have some coffee, please. What's your name, son?
young man
Bear.
Mistress
How do you say?
young man
Bear.
Mistress
What an inappropriate nickname!
young man
It's not a nickname at all. I really am a bear.
Mistress
No, what are you... Why? You move so deftly, speak so softly.
young man
You see... Your husband turned me into a human seven years ago. And he did it perfectly. He is a magnificent wizard. He has golden hands, mistress.
Master
Thank you, son!
Shakes Bear's hand
Mistress
This is true?
Master
That's when it happened! Expensive! Seven years ago!
Mistress
Why didn’t you admit this to me right away?
Master
Forgot! I simply forgot, that’s all! I was walking, you know, through the forest, and I saw a young bear. Still a teenager. The head is forehead, the eyes are intelligent. We talked, word for word, I liked him. I picked a nut branch, made a magic wand out of it - one, two, three - and that... Well, I don’t understand why I’m angry. The weather was good, the sky was clear...
Mistress
Shut up! I can't stand it when animals are tortured for their own amusement. An elephant is forced to dance in a muslin skirt, a nightingale is put in a cage, a tiger is taught to swing on a swing. Is it difficult for you, son?
Bear
Yes, mistress! Being a real person is very difficult.
Mistress
Poor boy!
What do you want, heartless?
Master
I'm happy! I love my work. A man will make a statue from a dead stone - and then be proud if the work is a success. And make a living thing even more alive. What a job!
Mistress
What a job! Pranks and nothing more. Oh, sorry, son, he hid from me who you were, and I served sugar with my coffee.
Bear
This is very kind of you! Why are you asking for forgiveness?
Mistress
But you must love honey...
Bear
No, I can't see him! It brings back memories for me.
Mistress
Now, now, turn him into a bear, if you love me! Let him go free!
Master
Darling, darling, everything will be fine! This is why he came to visit us, to become a bear again.
Mistress
Is it true? Well, I'm very glad. Are you going to transform it here? Should I leave the room?
Bear
Don't rush, dear hostess. Alas, this will not happen so soon. I will become a bear again only when the princess falls in love with me and kisses me.
Mistress
When, when? Repeat!
Bear
When the first princess I come across loves me and kisses me, I will immediately turn into a bear and run away to my native mountains.
Mistress
My God, how sad this is!
Master
Hello! Didn't please me again... Why?
Mistress
Haven’t you thought about the princess?
Master
Nonsense! Falling in love is healthy.
Mistress
A poor girl in love will kiss a young man, and he will suddenly turn into a wild beast?
Master
It's an everyday matter, wife.
Mistress
But then he will run away into the forest!
Master
And this happens.
Mistress
Son, son, will you leave the girl you love?
Bear
Seeing that I am a bear, she will immediately stop loving me, mistress.
Mistress
What do you know about love, boy!
Takes her husband aside | quiet
I don't want to scare the boy, but dangerous dangerous game you started it, husband! You churned butter with earthquakes, nailed nails with lightning, a hurricane brought us furniture, dishes, mirrors, mother-of-pearl buttons from the city. I'm accustomed to everything, but now I'm afraid.
Master
What?
Mistress
Hurricane, earthquake, lightning - all these are nothing. We will have to deal with people. And even with young people. And with lovers too! I feel that something that we are not expecting will certainly, certainly happen!
Master
Well, what could happen? The princess won't fall in love with him? Nonsense! Look how nice he is...
Mistress
What if...
The pipes are thundering
Master
It's too late to talk here, dear. I made one of the kings passing through high road, suddenly really wanted to go to our estate!
The pipes are thundering
And so he comes here with his retinue, ministers and the princess, his only daughter. Run, son! We will accept them ourselves. When necessary, I will call you.
The bear runs away
Mistress
And won't you be ashamed to look the king in the eyes?
Master
Not a bit! Frankly speaking, I can’t stand kings!
Mistress
Still a guest!
Master
Screw him! He has an executioner in his retinue, and a chopping block is carried in his luggage.
Mistress
Maybe it's just gossip?
Master
You'll see. Now a rude person, a boor, will come in and start acting up, giving orders, demanding.
Mistress
What if not! After all, we will disappear in shame!
Master
You'll see!
Knock on the door
The king enters
King
Hello, dear ones! I am the king, my dears.
Master
Good afternoon, Your Majesty.
King
I don’t know why, I really liked your estate. We are driving along the road, and I feel the urge to turn into the mountains and go up to the ladies. Please allow us to stay with you for a few days!
Current page: 1 (book has 4 pages in total) [available reading passage: 1 pages]
Evgeny Schwartz
An ordinary miracle
Ekaterina Ivanovna Schwartz
Characters
Master.
Mistress.
Bear.
King.
Princess.
Minister-Administrator.
First Minister.
Court lady.
Orinthia.
Amanda.
Innkeeper.
Hunter.
Hunter's Apprentice.
Executioner.
Prologue
Appears before the curtain Human, who tells the audience quietly and thoughtfully:
– “An Ordinary Miracle” – what a strange name! If a miracle means something extraordinary! And if it’s ordinary, then it’s not a miracle.
The answer is that we are talking about love. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other - which is common. They quarrel – which is also not uncommon. They almost die of love. And finally, the strength of their feeling reaches such a height that it begins to work real miracles - which is both surprising and ordinary.
You can talk about love and sing songs, but we will tell a fairy tale about it.
In a fairy tale, the ordinary and the miraculous are very conveniently placed side by side and are easily understood if you look at the fairy tale as a fairy tale. Like in childhood. Don't look for hidden meaning in it. A fairy tale is told not in order to hide, but in order to reveal, to say with all your might, out loud what you think.
Among the characters in our fairy tale, who are closer to the “ordinary” ones, you will recognize people whom you meet quite often. For example, the king. You can easily recognize in him an ordinary apartment despot, a frail tyrant who deftly knows how to explain his outrages by considerations of principle. Or dystrophy of the heart muscle. Or psychasthenia. Or even heredity. In the fairy tale, he is made a king so that his character traits reach their natural limit. You will also recognize the minister-administrator, the dashing supplier. And an honored figure in hunting. And some others.
But the heroes of the fairy tale, who are closer to the “miracle”, are deprived household damn today. Such are the wizard, and his wife, and the princess, and the bear.
How do such different people get along in one fairy tale? And it's very simple. Just like in life.
And our fairy tale begins simply. One wizard got married, settled down and started farming. But no matter how you feed the wizard, he is always drawn to miracles, transformations and amazing adventures. And so he got involved in the love story of those very young people I spoke about at the beginning. And everything got confused, mixed up - and finally unraveled so unexpectedly that the wizard himself, accustomed to miracles, clasped his hands in surprise.
It all ended in grief for the lovers or in happiness - you will find out at the very end of the fairy tale. (Disappears.)
Act one
Estate in the Carpathian Mountains. Large room, sparkling clean. On the hearth is a dazzlingly sparkling copper coffee pot. A bearded man, huge in height, broad-shouldered, sweeps the room and talks to himself at the top of his voice. This owner of the estate.
Master. Like this! That's great! I work and work, as befits an owner, everyone will look and praise, everything with me is like that of other people. I don’t sing, I don’t dance, I don’t tumble like a wild animal. The owner of an excellent estate in the mountains cannot roar like a bison, no, no! I work without any liberties... Ah! (Listens, covers his face with his hands.) She's coming! She! She! Her steps... I’ve been married for fifteen years, and I’m still in love with my wife, like a boy, honestly! It's coming! She! (Giggles shyly.) What a nonsense, my heart is beating so much that it even hurts... Hello, wife!
Included mistress, still a young, very attractive woman.
Hello wife, hello! It’s been a long time since we parted, just an hour ago, but I’m happy for you, as if we haven’t seen each other for a year, that’s how I love you... (Getting scared.) What's wrong with you? Who dared to offend you?
Mistress. You.
Master. It can't be! Oh, I'm rude! Poor woman, standing there so sad, shaking her head... What a disaster! What have I, damned one, done?
Mistress. Think about it.
Master. Well, where is there to think... Speak, don’t be tormented...
Mistress. What did you do this morning in the chicken coop?
Master (laughs). So it’s me who loves!
Mistress. Thank you for such love. I open the chicken coop, and suddenly - hello! All my chickens have four legs...
Master. Well, what's offensive about that?
Mistress. And the chicken has a mustache like a soldier.
Master. Ha ha ha!
Mistress. Who promised to improve? Who promised to live like everyone else?
Master. Well, dear, well, dear, well, forgive me! What can you do... After all, I’m a wizard!
Mistress. You never know!
Master. The morning was cheerful, the sky was clear, there was nowhere to put any energy, it was so good. I wanted to fool around...
Mistress. Well, I would do something useful for the economy. They brought sand over there to sprinkle the paths. I would take it and turn it into sugar.
Master. Well, what a prank this is!
Mistress. Or he would turn those stones that were piled near the barn into cheese.
Master. Not funny!
Mistress. Well, what should I do with you? I fight, I fight, and you are still the same wild hunter, mountain wizard, crazy bearded man!
Master. I'm trying!
Mistress. Everything is going well, just like people do, and suddenly - bang! - thunder, lightning, miracles, transformations, fairy tales, all sorts of legends... Poor thing... (Kisses him.) Well, go, dear!
Master. Where?
Mistress. To the chicken coop.
Master. For what?
Mistress. Fix what you did there.
Master. I can't!
Mistress. Well please!
Master. I can't. You yourself know how things are in the world. Sometimes you mess around, and then you’ll fix everything. And sometimes there’s a click and there’s no turning back! I already beat these chickens with a magic wand, and curled them with a whirlwind, and struck them with lightning seven times - all in vain! This means that what has been done here cannot be corrected.
Mistress. Well, nothing can be done... I will shave the chicken every day, and turn away from chickens. Well, now let's move on to the most important thing. Who are you waiting for?
Master. No one.
Mistress. Look me in the eyes.
Master. I'm watching.
Mistress. Tell the truth, what will happen? What guests should we receive today? People? Or will ghosts come and play dice with you? Don't be afraid, speak up. If we have the ghost of a young nun, I will even be glad. She promised to bring back from the other world a pattern for a blouse with wide sleeves, such as was worn three hundred years ago. This style is back in fashion. Will the nun come?
Master. No.
Mistress. It's a pity. So there won't be anyone? No? Do you really think that you can hide the truth from your wife? You'd rather deceive yourself than me. Look, your ears are burning, sparks are flying from your eyes...
Master. Not true! Where?
Mistress. There they are! That's how they sparkle. Don't be shy, admit it! Well? Together!
Master. OK! We will have guests today. Forgive me, I'm trying. Became a homebody. But... But the soul asks for something... magical. No offense!
Mistress. I knew who I was marrying.
Master. There will be, there will be guests! Here, now, now!
Mistress. Correct your collar quickly. Pull up your sleeves!
Master (laughs). Do you hear, do you hear? On his way.
The approaching clatter of hooves.
It's him, it's him!
Mistress. Who?
Master. The same young man because of whom amazing events will begin for us. What a joy! That's nice!
Mistress. Is this a young man like a young man?
Master. Yes, yes!
Mistress. That’s good, my coffee just boiled.
There's a knock on the door.
Master. Come in, come in, we've been waiting for a long time! I'm very glad!
Included young man. Dressed elegantly. Modest, simple, thoughtful. Silently bows to the owners.
(Hugs him.) Hello, hello, son!
Mistress. Sit down at the table, please, have some coffee, please. What's your name, son?
young man. Bear.
Mistress. How do you say?
young man. Bear.
Mistress. What an inappropriate nickname!
young man. It's not a nickname at all. I really am a bear.
Mistress. No, what are you... Why? You move so deftly, speak so softly.
young man. You see... Your husband turned me into a human seven years ago. And he did it perfectly. He is a magnificent wizard. He has golden hands, mistress.
Master. Thank you, son! (Shakes Bear's hand.)
Mistress. This is true?
Master. That's when it happened! Expensive! Seven years ago!
Mistress. Why didn’t you admit this to me right away?
Master. Forgot! I simply forgot, that’s all! I was walking, you know, through the forest, and I saw a young bear. Still a teenager. The head is forehead, the eyes are intelligent. We talked, word for word, I liked him. I picked a nut branch, made a magic wand out of it - one, two, three - and that... Well, I don’t understand why I’m angry. The weather was good, the sky was clear...
Mistress. Shut up! I can't stand it when animals are tortured for their own amusement. An elephant is forced to dance in a muslin skirt, a nightingale is put in a cage, a tiger is taught to swing on a swing. Is it difficult for you, son?
Bear. Yes, mistress! Being a real person is very difficult.
Mistress. Poor boy! (To my husband.) What do you want, heartless?
Master. I'm happy! I love my work. A man will make a statue from a dead stone - and then be proud if the work is a success. Go ahead and make something even more alive out of a living thing. What a job!
Mistress. What a job! Pranks, and nothing more. Oh, sorry, son, he hid from me who you were, and I served sugar with my coffee.
Bear. This is very kind of you! Why are you asking for forgiveness?
Mistress. But you have to love honey.
Bear. No, I can't see him! It brings back memories for me.
Mistress. Now, now, turn him into a bear, if you love me! Let him go free!
Master. Darling, darling, everything will be fine! This is why he came to visit us, to become a bear again.
Mistress. Is it true? Well, I'm very glad. Are you going to transform it here? Should I leave the room?
Bear. Don't rush, dear hostess. Alas, this will not happen so soon. I will become a bear again only when the princess falls in love with me and kisses me.
Mistress. When, when? Say it again!
Bear. When the first princess I come across loves me and kisses me, I will immediately turn into a bear and run away to my native mountains.
Mistress. My God, how sad this is!
Master. Hello! Didn't please me again... Why?
Mistress. Haven't you thought about the princess?
Master. Nonsense! Falling in love is healthy.
Mistress. A poor girl in love will kiss a young man, and he will suddenly turn into a wild beast?
Master. It's an everyday matter, wife.
Mistress. But then he will run away into the forest!
Master. And this happens.
Mistress. Son, son, will you leave the girl you love?
Bear. Seeing that I am a bear, she will immediately stop loving me, mistress.
Mistress. What do you know about love, boy! (Takes her husband aside. Quietly.) I don’t want to scare the boy, but you, husband, have started a dangerous, dangerous game! You churned butter with earthquakes, nailed nails with lightning, a hurricane brought us furniture, dishes, mirrors, mother-of-pearl buttons from the city. I'm accustomed to everything, but now I'm afraid.
Master. What?
Mistress. Hurricane, earthquake, lightning - all these are nothing. We will have to deal with people. And even with young people. And with lovers too! I feel that something that we are not expecting will certainly, certainly happen!
Master. Well, what could happen? The princess won't fall in love with him? Nonsense! Look how nice he is...
Mistress. What if...
The pipes are thundering.
Master. It's too late to talk here, dear. I made it so that one of the kings, passing along the high road, suddenly desperately wanted to turn to our estate!
The pipes are thundering.
And so he comes here with his retinue, ministers and the princess, his only daughter. Run, son! We will accept them ourselves. When necessary, I will call you.
Bear runs away.
Mistress. And won't you be ashamed to look the king in the eyes?
Master. Not a bit! Frankly speaking, I can’t stand kings!
Mistress. Still a guest!
Master. Screw him! He has an executioner in his retinue, and a chopping block is carried in his luggage.
Mistress. Maybe it's just gossip?
Master. You'll see. Now a rude person, a boor, will come in and start acting up, giving orders, demanding.
Mistress. What if not! After all, we will disappear in shame!
Master. You'll see!
There's a knock on the door.
Included king.
King. Hello, dear ones! I am the king, my dears.
Master. Good afternoon, Your Majesty.
King. I don’t know why, I really liked your estate. We are driving along the road, and I feel the urge to turn into the mountains and climb up to you. Please allow us to stay with you for a few days!
Master. My God... Ay-ay-ay!
King. What's wrong with you?
Master. I thought you weren't like that. Not polite, not gentle. But it doesn’t matter! We'll come up with something. I am always glad to have guests.
King. But we are restless guests!
Master. To hell with it! That's not the point... Please sit down!
King. I like you, master. (Sits down.)
Master. Damn you!
King. And so I will explain to you why we are restless guests. Can?
Master. I beg you, please!
King. I'm a scary person!
Master (joyfully). Well, yes?
King. Very scary. I'm a tyrant!
Master. Ha ha ha!
King. Despot. And besides, I am cunning, vindictive, capricious.
Master. Do you see? What did I tell you, wife?
King. And the most offensive thing is that it’s not my fault...
Master. And who?
Master. Is it impossible to resist?
King. Where there! Along with the family jewels, I inherited all the vile family traits. Can you imagine the pleasure? If you do something nasty, everyone grumbles, and no one wants to understand that it’s Auntie’s fault.
Master. Just think! (Laughs.) Go crazy! (Laughs.)
King. Hey, you're funny too!
Master. I’ll just hold it no, king.
King. This is great! (Takes out a pot-bellied wicker flask from the bag hanging over his shoulder.) Hostess, three glasses!
Mistress. If you please, sir!
King. This is a precious three-hundred-year-old royal wine. No, no, don't hurt me. Let's celebrate our meeting. (Pouring wine.) Color, what a color! If the costume were made this color, all the other kings would burst with envy! Well, goodbye! Drink to the bottom!
Master. Don't drink, wife.
King. What do you mean, “don’t drink”?
Master. And it's very simple!
King. Do you want to offend?
Master. That's not the point.
King. Offend? Guest? (Grabs the sword.)
Master. Hush, hush, you! Not at home.
King. Do you want to teach me?! Yes, I just blink my eye and you’re gone. I don't care if I'm at home or not. The ministers will write off, I will express my regret. And you will remain in the damp earth forever and ever. At home, not at home... Insolent! Still smiling... Drink!
Master. I won't!
King. Why?
Master. Yes, because the wine is poisoned, king!
King. Which one?
Master. Poisoned, poisoned!
King. Think what you made up!
Master. Drink first! Drink, drink! (Laughs.) That's it, brother! (Throws all three glasses into the fireplace.)
King. Well, this is really stupid! If I didn’t want to drink, I would have poured the potion back into the bottle. A must-have item on the road! Is it easy to get poison in a foreign land?
Mistress. Shame, shame, Your Majesty!
King. It's not my fault!
Mistress. And who?
King. Uncle! He’ll start talking the same way, sometimes, with whomever he has to, he’ll tell three stories about himself, and then he’ll feel ashamed. And his soul is subtle, delicate, easily vulnerable. And in order not to suffer later, he would even poison his interlocutor.
Master. Scoundrel!
King. Uniform brute! He left an inheritance, you scoundrel!
Master. So, uncle is to blame?
King. Uncle, uncle, uncle! There's nothing to smile about! I am a well-read and conscientious person. Another would have blamed his meanness on his comrades, on his superiors, on his neighbors, on his wife. And I blame my ancestors as if they were dead. They don't care, but it's easier for me.
Master. A…
King. Shut up! I know what you will say! To answer for yourself, without blaming your neighbors, for all your meanness and stupidity is beyond human strength! I'm not some kind of genius. Just a king, of which there are a dime a dozen. Well, enough about that! Everything became clear. You know me, I know you: you don’t have to pretend, you don’t have to break. Why are you frowning? We remained alive and well, well, thank God... What is there...
Mistress. Please tell me, king, and princess too...
King (very soft). Oh, no, no, what are you talking about! She's completely different.
Mistress. What a disaster!
King. Isn't it true? She is very kind to me. And nice. It's hard for her...
Mistress. Is your mother alive?
King. She died when the princess was only seven minutes old. Don't hurt my daughter.
Mistress. King!
King. Ah, I cease to be a king when I see her or think about her. Friends, my friends, what a blessing that I love only my own daughter so much! A stranger would twist ropes out of me, and I would die from it. I would rest in God... Yes... That's it.
Master (takes an apple out of his pocket). Eat an apple!
King. Thank you, I don't want to.
Master. Good. Not poisonous!
King. Yes, I know. That's it, my friends. I wanted to tell you about all my worries and sorrows. And if you really wanted to, it’s over! Can't resist. I'll tell you! A? Can?
Master. Well, what is there to ask? Sit down, wife. More comfortable. Closer to the hearth. So I sat down. So are you comfortable? Should I bring some water? Should I close the windows?
King. No, no, thanks.
Master. We are listening, Your Majesty! Tell us!
King. Thank you. Do you know, my friends, where my country is located?
Master. I know.
King. Where?
Master. Far away.
King. Absolutely right. And now you will find out why we went to travel and got so far. She is the reason for this.
Master. Princess?
King. Yes! She. The fact is, my friends, that the princess was not yet five years old when I noticed that she did not at all look like a royal daughter. At first I was horrified. He even suspected his poor late wife of cheating. He began to find out, ask questions, and abandoned the investigation halfway. I got scared. I managed to become so attached to the girl! I even began to like that she was so unusual. You come to the nursery - and suddenly, I’m ashamed to say, you become cute. Hehehe. At least give up the throne... This is all between us, gentlemen!
Master. Well, of course! Certainly!
King. It was getting ridiculous. You used to sign someone’s death warrant, and you laughed, remembering her funny pranks and words. Fun, right?
Master. No, why not!
King. Here you go. That's how we lived. The girl is getting smarter and growing up. What would a real good father do in my place? I would gradually accustom my daughter to everyday rudeness, cruelty, and deceit. And I, a damned egoist, was so used to resting my soul next to her that I began, on the contrary, to protect the poor thing from everything that could spoil her. Meanness, right?
Master. No, why not!
King. Meanness, meanness! Driven to the palace the best people from all over the kingdom. I assigned them to my daughter. Things happen behind the wall that make you feel creepy. Do you know what a royal palace is?
Master. Wow!
King. That's exactly what it is! Behind the wall, people are crushing each other, cutting up their brothers, strangling their sisters... In a word, everyday, everyday life goes on. And you enter half of the princess - there is music, conversations about good people, about poetry, an eternal holiday. Well, this wall collapsed because of a pure trifle. I remember it now - it was on Saturday. I’m sitting, working, checking the ministers’ reports against each other. My daughter is sitting next to me, embroidering a scarf for my name day... Everything is quiet, peaceful, the birds are singing. Suddenly the master of ceremonies enters and reports: aunt has arrived. Duchess. And I couldn't stand her. Shrill woman. I tell the master of ceremonies: tell her that I’m not at home. Trifle?
Master. Trifle.
King. This is a trifle for you and me, because we are people like people. A poor daughter mine, which I raised as if in a greenhouse, fainted!
Master. Well, yes?
King. Honestly. You see, she was amazed that dad was her dad! - may tell a lie. She began to get bored, thoughtful, languishing, and I was confused. The grandfather in me suddenly woke up with maternal side. He was a sissy. He was so afraid of pain that at the slightest misfortune he froze, did nothing, and kept hoping for the best. When his beloved wife was being strangled in front of him, he stood next to him and persuaded him: just be patient, maybe everything will work out! And when she was buried, he walked behind the coffin and whistled. And then he fell and died. Is he a good boy?
Master. Much better.
King. Did heredity wake up in time? Do you understand what a tragedy it turned out to be? The princess wanders around the palace, thinks, looks, listens - and I sit on the throne with my arms folded and whistle. The princess is about to find out something about me that will kill her to death - and I smile helplessly. But one night I suddenly woke up. Jumped up. He ordered the horses to be harnessed - and at dawn we were already racing along the road, graciously responding to low bows our dear subjects.
Mistress. My God, how sad all this is!
King. We didn't stay with our neighbors. Neighbors are known to be gossipers. We rushed further and further until we reached the Carpathian Mountains, where no one had ever heard anything about us. The air here is clean, mountainous. Let me stay with you until we build a castle with all the amenities, a garden, a dungeon and a playground...
Mistress. I'm afraid that...
Master. Don't be afraid, please! Please! I beg you! I love it all so much! Well, dear, well, dear! Let's go, let's go, Your Majesty, I'll show you the rooms.
King. Thank you!
Master (let the king go ahead). Please come here, Your Majesty! Be careful, there's a step here. Like this. (Turns to his wife. In a whisper.) Give me at least one day to be naughty! Falling in love is useful! He won't die, my God! (Runs away.)
Mistress. Well, no! Have fun! How can such a girl endure it when a sweet and affectionate young man turns into a wild beast before her eyes? Even an experienced woman would feel terrified. I won't allow it! I’ll persuade this poor bear to endure a little longer, to look for another princess, worse. By the way, his horse is standing unsaddled, snorting into the oats - which means he is full and rested. Get on horseback and ride over the mountains! Then you'll come back! (Calls.) Son! Son! Where are you? (Leaves.)
Runs in Bear.
Bear. Here I am.
Mistress (behind the stage). Come out to my kindergarten!
Bear. I'm running!
Opens the door. Behind the door young woman with a bouquet in hands.
Sorry, I think I pushed you, dear girl?
The girl drops flowers. The bear picks them up.
What's wrong with you? Did I scare you?
Young woman. No. I was just a little confused. You see, no one has ever called me just “sweet girl.”
Bear. I didn't mean to offend you!
Young woman. But I wasn’t offended at all!
Bear. Well, thank God! My problem is that I'm terribly truthful. If I see that a girl is nice, then I tell her so directly.
Young woman. Is this your name?
Bear. Me.
Young woman. Are you the son of the owner of this house?
Bear. No, I'm an orphan.
Young woman. Me too. That is, my father is alive, and my mother died when I was only seven minutes old.
Bear. But you probably have a lot of friends?
Young woman. Why do you think?
Bear. I don’t know... It seems to me that everyone should love you.
Young woman. For what?
Bear. You are very gentle. Really... Tell me, when you hide your face in flowers, does it mean that you are angry?
Young woman. No.
Bear. Then I’ll tell you this: you are beautiful! You are so beautiful! Very. Marvelous. Terrible.
Bear. Please don't leave!
Young woman. But it’s your name.
Bear. Yes. Name: And here's what else I'll tell you. I really liked you. Terrible. Straightaway.
The girl laughs.
Am I funny?
Young woman. No. But... what else should I do? I don't know. After all, no one spoke to me like that...
Bear. I'm very happy about this. My God, what am I doing? You are probably tired from the road, hungry, and I’m still chatting. Please sit down. Here's the milk. Pairs. Drink! Come on! With bread, with bread!
The girl obeys. She drinks milk and eats bread, not taking her eyes off the Bear.
Young woman. Tell me please, are you not a wizard?
Bear. No, what are you talking about!
Young woman. Why then do I obey you so much? I had a very hearty breakfast just five minutes ago - and now I’m drinking milk again, and with bread. Honestly, you're not a wizard?
Bear. Honestly.
Young woman. And why, when you said... that you... liked me, then... I felt some strange weakness in my shoulders and arms and... Forgive me for asking you about this - but who else should I ask? We suddenly became friends! Right?
Bear. Yes, yes!
Young woman. I don’t understand anything... Is today a holiday?
Bear. Don't know. Yes. Holiday.
Young woman. I knew it.
Bear. Tell me, please, who are you? Are you part of the king's retinue?
Young woman. No.
Bear. Ah, I understand! Are you from the princess's retinue?
Young woman. What if I am the princess herself?
Bear. No, no, don't joke with me so cruelly!
Young woman. What's wrong with you? You suddenly turned so pale! What did I say?
Bear. No, no, you are not a princess. No! I wandered around the world for a long time and saw many princesses - you are not at all like them!
Young woman. But…
Bear. No, no, don't torture me. Talk about whatever you want, just not this.
Young woman. Fine. You... You say that you wandered around the world a lot?
Bear. Yes. I kept studying and studying, both at the Sorbonne, and in Leiden, and in Prague. It seemed to me that it was very difficult for a person to live, and I became completely sad. And then I began to study.
Young woman. So how?
Bear. It didn't help.
Young woman. Are you still sad?
Bear. Not all the time, but I'm sad.
Young woman. How strange! But it seemed to me that you were so calm, joyful, simple!
Bear. This is because I am healthy as a bear. What's wrong with you? Why are you suddenly blushing?
Young woman. I don't know myself. After all, I have changed so much in the last five minutes that I don’t recognize myself at all. Now I'll try to understand what's going on here. I... I was scared!
Bear. What?
Young woman. You said that you are as healthy as a bear. Bear... Just kidding. And I am so defenseless with this magical humility of mine. Will you offend me?
Bear. Give me your hand.
The girl obeys. The bear gets down on one knee. He kisses her hand.
May thunder kill me if I ever offend you. Where you go, I will go; when you die, then I will die.
The pipes are thundering.
Young woman. My God! I completely forgot about them. The retinue finally reached the place. (Goes to the window.) What yesterday's, homely faces! Let's hide from them!
Bear. Yes, yes!
Young woman. Let's run to the river!
They run away holding hands. Immediately he enters the room mistress. She smiles through her tears.
Mistress. Oh, my God, my God! Standing here, under the window, I heard their entire conversation from word to word. But she didn’t dare go in and separate them. Why? Why am I crying and rejoicing like a fool? After all, I understand that this cannot end in anything good, but there is a holiday in my heart. Well, a hurricane came, love came. Poor children, happy children!
A timid knock on the door.
Enters very quiet, casually dressed Human with a bundle in his hands.
Human. Hello, hostess! Sorry for barging in on you. Maybe I got in the way? Maybe I should leave?
Mistress. No, no, what are you talking about! Please sit down!
Human. Can I put a knot?
Mistress. Of course, please!
Human. You are very kind. Oh, what a nice, comfortable hearth! And a skewer handle! And a hook for the teapot!
Mistress. Are you a royal chef?
Human. No, mistress, I am the king's first minister.
Mistress. Who, who?
Minister. His Majesty's First Minister.
Mistress. Oh, sorry...
Minister. It’s okay, I’m not angry... Once upon a time, everyone guessed at first glance that I was a minister. I was radiant, so majestic. Experts argued that it was difficult to understand who was more important and worthy - me or the royal cats. And now... You see for yourself...
Mistress. What brought you to this state?
Minister. Dear, mistress.
Mistress. Road?
Minister. For some reason, we, a group of courtiers, were torn from our usual surroundings and sent to foreign countries. This in itself is painful, and then there is this tyrant.
Mistress. King?
Minister. What are you, what are you! We have long been accustomed to His Majesty. A tyrant is a minister-administrator.
Mistress. But if you are the first minister, is he your subordinate? How can he be your tyrant?
Minister. He took away such power that we all tremble before him.
Mistress. How did he manage to do this?
Minister. He is the only one of us who knows how to travel. He knows how to get horses at the post station, get a carriage, feed us. True, he does all this badly, but we cannot do anything like that at all. Don't tell him that I complained, otherwise he will leave me without sweets.
Mistress. Why don't you complain to the king?
Minister. Oh, the king is so good... as they say in business language...serves and supplies, but the sovereign does not want to hear anything.
Enter two maids of honor And court lady.
Lady (speaks softly, quietly, pronounces every word with aristocratic clarity). God knows when it will end! We'll be lurking among the pigs here until this poisonous bastard deigns to give us soap. Hello, hostess, sorry that we don't knock. On the road we became wild as hell.
Minister. Yes, here it is, the road! Men become quiet from horror, and women become menacing. Let me introduce you to the beauty and pride of the royal retinue - the first lady of the cavalry.
Lady. My God, it's been so long since I heard similar words! (Does a curtsey.) I'm so damn glad. (Introduces to the hostess.) Princesses Orinthia and Amanda's maids of honor.
The ladies-in-waiting curtsey.
Sorry, mistress, but I'm beside myself! His damned Excellency the Minister-Administrator did not give us today powder, quelkfleur perfume and glycerin soap, which softens the skin and protects against chapping. I am convinced that he sold it all to the natives. Would you believe it, when we left the capital, he only had a pitiful cardboard box from under his hat, which contained a sandwich and his pitiful underpants. (To the Minister.) Don’t flinch, my dear, that’s what we saw on the road! I repeat: long johns. And now the impudent man has thirty-three caskets and twenty-two suitcases, not counting what he sent home with the opportunity.
Orinthia. And the worst thing is that now we can only talk about breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Amanda. Is this why we left our native palace?
Lady. The brute does not want to understand that the main thing in our journey is subtle feelings: the feelings of the princess, the feelings of the king. We were taken into the retinue as delicate, sensitive, sweet women. I'm ready to suffer. Don't sleep at night. She even agrees to die to help the princess. But why endure unnecessary, unnecessary, humiliating torment because of a camel that has lost its shame?
Mistress. Would you like to wash yourself off the road, madam?
Lady. We don't have soap!
Mistress. I will give you everything you need and as much hot water as you need.
Lady. You are a saint! (Kisses the hostess.) Wash! Remember settled life! What happiness!
Mistress. Come on, let's go, I'll take you with you. Sit down, sir! I'll be right back and buy you some coffee.
Leaves with court lady And maids of honor. The minister sits down by the fire. Included minister-administrator. The First Minister jumps up.
Minister (timidly). Hello!
Administrator. A?
Minister. I said: hello!
Administrator. See you!
Minister. Oh, why, why are you so impolite to me?
Administrator. I didn't say a single bad word to you. (Takes it out of his pocket notebook and goes deep into some calculations.)
Minister. Excuse me... Where are our suitcases?
Attention! This is an introductory fragment of the book.
If you liked the beginning of the book, then full version can be purchased from our partner - distributor of legal content, LLC liters.
Evgeny Schwartz
An ordinary miracle
Characters
Princess
Minister-Administrator
First Minister
Court lady
Innkeeper
Hunter's Apprentice
a man appears in front of the curtain and tells the audience quietly and thoughtfully:
– “An Ordinary Miracle” – what a strange name! If a miracle means something extraordinary! And if it’s ordinary, then it’s not a miracle.
The answer is that we are talking about love. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other - which is common. They quarrel – which is also not uncommon. They almost die of love. And finally, the strength of their feeling reaches such a height that it begins to work real miracles - which is both surprising and ordinary.
You can talk about love and sing songs, but we will tell a fairy tale about it.
In a fairy tale, the ordinary and the miraculous are very conveniently placed side by side and are easily understood if you look at the fairy tale as a fairy tale. Like in childhood. Don't look for hidden meaning in it. A fairy tale is told not in order to hide, but in order to reveal, to say with all your might, out loud what you think.
Among the characters in our fairy tale, who are closer to the “ordinary” ones, you will recognize people whom you meet quite often. For example, the king. You can easily recognize in him an ordinary apartment despot, a frail tyrant who deftly knows how to explain his outrages by considerations of principle. Or dystrophy of the heart muscle. Or psychasthenia. Or even heredity. In the fairy tale, he is made a king so that his character traits reach their natural limit. You will also recognize the minister-administrator, the dashing supplier. And an honored figure in hunting. And some others.
But the heroes of the fairy tale, who are closer to the “miracle”, are devoid of the everyday features of today. Such are the wizard, and his wife, and the princess, and the bear.
How do such different people get along in one fairy tale? And it's very simple. Just like in life.
And our fairy tale begins simply. One wizard got married, settled down and started farming. But no matter how you feed the wizard, he is always drawn to miracles, transformations and amazing adventures. And so he got involved in the love story of those very young people I spoke about at the beginning. And everything got confused, mixed up - and finally unraveled so unexpectedly that the wizard himself, accustomed to miracles, clasped his hands in surprise.
It all ended in grief for the lovers or in happiness - you will find out at the very end of the fairy tale.
disappears
Act one
estate in the Carpathian Mountains | large room, sparkling clean | on the hearth there is a dazzlingly sparkling copper coffee pot | a bearded man, huge in height, broad-shouldered, sweeps the room and talks to himself at the top of his voice | this is the owner of the estate
Master
Like this! That's great! I work and work, as befits an owner, everyone will look and praise, everything with me is like that of other people. I don’t sing, I don’t dance, I don’t tumble like a wild animal. The owner of an excellent estate in the mountains cannot roar like a bison, no, no! I work without any liberties... Ah!
listens, covers his face with his hands
She's coming! She! She! Her steps... I’ve been married for fifteen years, and I’m still in love with my wife, like a boy, honestly! It's coming! She!
giggles shyly
What a trifle, my heart is beating so hard it even hurts... Hello, wife!
the hostess enters, still a young, very attractive woman
Hello wife, hello! It’s been a long time since we parted, just an hour ago, but I’m happy for you, as if we haven’t seen each other for a year, that’s how I love you...
Current page: 1 (book has 4 pages in total) [available reading passage: 1 pages]
Evgeny Schwartz
An ordinary miracle
characters
Master
Mistress
Bear
King
Princess
Minister-Administrator
First Minister
Court lady
Orinthia
Amanda
Innkeeper
Hunter
Hunter's Apprentice
Executioner
prologue
a man appears in front of the curtain and tells the audience quietly and thoughtfully:
– “An Ordinary Miracle” – what a strange name! If a miracle means something extraordinary! And if it’s ordinary, then it’s not a miracle.
The answer is that we are talking about love. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other - which is common. They quarrel – which is also not uncommon. They almost die of love. And finally, the strength of their feeling reaches such a height that it begins to work real miracles - which is both surprising and ordinary.
You can talk about love and sing songs, but we will tell a fairy tale about it.
In a fairy tale, the ordinary and the miraculous are very conveniently placed side by side and are easily understood if you look at the fairy tale as a fairy tale. Like in childhood. Don't look for hidden meaning in it. A fairy tale is told not in order to hide, but in order to reveal, to say with all your might, out loud what you think.
Among the characters in our fairy tale, who are closer to the “ordinary” ones, you will recognize people whom you meet quite often. For example, the king. You can easily recognize in him an ordinary apartment despot, a frail tyrant who deftly knows how to explain his outrages by considerations of principle. Or dystrophy of the heart muscle. Or psychasthenia. Or even heredity. In the fairy tale, he is made a king so that his character traits reach their natural limit. You will also recognize the minister-administrator, the dashing supplier. And an honored figure in hunting. And some others.
But the heroes of the fairy tale, who are closer to the “miracle”, are devoid of the everyday features of today. Such are the wizard, and his wife, and the princess, and the bear.
How do such different people get along in one fairy tale? And it's very simple. Just like in life.
And our fairy tale begins simply. One wizard got married, settled down and started farming. But no matter how you feed the wizard, he is always drawn to miracles, transformations and amazing adventures. And so he got involved in the love story of those very young people I spoke about at the beginning. And everything got confused, mixed up - and finally unraveled so unexpectedly that the wizard himself, accustomed to miracles, clasped his hands in surprise.
It all ended in grief for the lovers or in happiness - you will find out at the very end of the fairy tale.
disappears
Act one
estate in the Carpathian Mountains | large room, sparkling clean | on the hearth there is a dazzlingly sparkling copper coffee pot | a bearded man, huge in height, broad-shouldered, sweeps the room and talks to himself at the top of his voice | this is the owner of the estate
Master
Like this! That's great! I work and work, as befits an owner, everyone will look and praise, everything with me is like that of other people. I don’t sing, I don’t dance, I don’t tumble like a wild animal. The owner of an excellent estate in the mountains cannot roar like a bison, no, no! I work without any liberties... Ah!
listens, covers his face with his hands
She's coming! She! She! Her steps... I’ve been married for fifteen years, and I’m still in love with my wife, like a boy, honestly! It's coming! She!
giggles shyly
What a trifle, my heart is beating so hard it even hurts... Hello, wife!
the hostess enters, still a young, very attractive woman
Hello wife, hello! It’s been a long time since we parted, just an hour ago, but I’m happy for you, as if we haven’t seen each other for a year, that’s how I love you...
gets scared
What's wrong with you? Who dared to offend you?
Mistress
Master
It can't be! Oh, I'm rude! Poor woman, standing there so sad, shaking her head... What a disaster! What have I, damned one, done?
Mistress
Master
Well, where is there to think... Speak, don’t be tormented...
Mistress
What did you do this morning in the chicken coop?
Master(laughs)
So it’s me who loves!
Mistress
Thank you for such love. I open the chicken coop, and suddenly - hello! All my chickens have four legs...
Master
Well, what's offensive about that?
Mistress
And the chicken has a mustache like a soldier.
Master
Mistress
Who promised to improve? Who promised to live like everyone else?
Master
Well, dear, well, dear, well, forgive me! What can you do... After all, I’m a wizard!
Mistress
You never know!
Master
The morning was cheerful, the sky was clear, there was nowhere to put any energy, it was so good. I wanted to fool around...
Mistress
Well, I would do something useful for the economy. They brought sand over there to sprinkle the paths. I would take it and turn it into sugar.
Master
Well, what a prank this is!
Mistress
Or he would turn those stones that were piled near the barn into cheese.
Master
Not funny!
Mistress
Well, what should I do with you? I fight, I fight, and you are still the same wild hunter, mountain wizard, crazy bearded man!
Master
I'm trying!
Mistress
So everything is going nicely, just like with people, and suddenly pop - thunder, lightning, miracles, transformations, fairy tales, all sorts of legends... Poor thing...
kisses him
Well, go, dear!
Master
Mistress
To the chicken coop.
Master
Mistress
Fix what you did there.
Master
Mistress
Well please!
Master
I can't. You yourself know how things are in the world. Sometimes you mess up, and then you fix everything. And sometimes there’s a click and there’s no turning back! I already beat these chickens with a magic wand, and curled them with a whirlwind, and struck them with lightning seven times - all in vain! This means that what has been done here cannot be corrected.
Mistress
Well, nothing can be done... I will shave the chicken every day, and turn away from chickens. Well, now let's move on to the most important thing. Who are you waiting for?
Master
Mistress
Look me in the eyes.
Master
Mistress
Tell the truth, what will happen? What guests should we receive today? People? Or will ghosts come and play dice with you? Don't be afraid, speak up. If we have the ghost of a young nun, I will even be glad. She promised to bring back from the other world a pattern for a blouse with wide sleeves, such as was worn three hundred years ago. This style is back in fashion. Will the nun come?
Master
Mistress
It's a pity. So there won't be anyone? No? Do you really think that you can hide the truth from your wife? You'd rather deceive yourself than me. Look, your ears are burning, sparks are flying from your eyes...
Master
Not true! Where?
Mistress
There they are! That's how they sparkle. Don't be shy, admit it! Well? Together!
Master
OK! We will have guests today. Forgive me, I'm trying. Became a homebody. But... But the soul asks for something... magical. No offense!
Mistress
I knew who I was marrying.
Master
There will be, there will be guests! Here, now, now!
Mistress
Correct your collar quickly. Pull up your sleeves!
Master(laughs)
Do you hear, do you hear? On his way.
approaching clatter of hooves
It's him, it's him!
Mistress
Master
The same young man because of whom amazing events will begin for us. What a joy! That's nice!
Mistress
Is this a young man like a young man?
Master
Mistress
That’s good, my coffee just boiled.
knock on the door
Master
Come in, come in, we've been waiting for a long time! I'm very glad!
young man enters | dressed elegantly | modest, simple, thoughtful | silently bows to the owners
Master(hugs him)
Hello, hello, son!
Mistress
Sit down at the table, please, have some coffee, please. What's your name, son?
young man
Mistress
How do you say?
young man
Mistress
What an inappropriate nickname!
young man
It's not a nickname at all. I really am a bear.
Mistress
No, what are you... Why? You move so deftly, speak so softly.
young man
You see... Your husband turned me into a human seven years ago. And he did it perfectly. He is a magnificent wizard. He has golden hands, mistress.
Master
Thank you, son!
shakes Bear's hand
Mistress
This is true?
Master
That's when it happened! Expensive! Seven years ago!
Mistress
Why didn’t you admit this to me right away?
Master
Forgot! I simply forgot, that’s all! I was walking, you know, through the forest, and I saw a young bear. Still a teenager. The head is forehead, the eyes are intelligent. We talked, word for word, I liked him. I picked a nut branch, made a magic wand out of it - one, two, three - and that... Well, I don’t understand why I’m angry. The weather was good, the sky was clear...
Mistress
Shut up! I can't stand it when animals are tortured for their own amusement. An elephant is forced to dance in a muslin skirt, a nightingale is put in a cage, a tiger is taught to swing on a swing. Is it difficult for you, son?
Bear
Yes, mistress! Being a real person is very difficult.
Mistress
Poor boy!
to my husband
What do you want, heartless?
Master
I'm happy! I love my work. A man will make a statue from a dead stone - and then be proud if the work is a success. Go ahead and make something even more alive out of a living thing. What a job!
Mistress
What a job! Pranks and nothing more. Oh, sorry, son, he hid from me who you were, and I served sugar with my coffee.
Bear
This is very kind of you! Why are you asking for forgiveness?
Mistress
But you must love honey...
Bear
No, I can't see him! It brings back memories for me.
Mistress
Now, now, turn him into a bear, if you love me! Let him go free!
Master
Darling, darling, everything will be fine! This is why he came to visit us, to become a bear again.
Mistress
Is it true? Well, I'm very glad. Are you going to transform it here? Should I leave the room?
Bear
Don't rush, dear hostess. Alas, this will not happen so soon. I will become a bear again only when the princess falls in love with me and kisses me.
Mistress
When, when? Say it again!
Bear
When the first princess I come across loves me and kisses me, I will immediately turn into a bear and run away to my native mountains.
Mistress
My God, how sad this is!
Master
Hello! Didn't please me again... Why?
Mistress
But haven’t you thought about the princess?
Master
Nonsense! Falling in love is healthy.
Mistress
A poor girl in love will kiss a young man, and he will suddenly turn into a wild beast?
Master
It's an everyday matter, wife.
Mistress
But then he will run away into the forest!
Master
And this happens.
Mistress
Son, son, will you leave the girl you love?
Bear
Seeing that I am a bear, she will immediately stop loving me, mistress.
Mistress
What do you know about love, boy!
takes her husband aside | quiet
I don’t want to scare the boy, but you, husband, have started a dangerous, dangerous game! You churned butter with earthquakes, nailed nails with lightning, a hurricane brought us furniture, dishes, mirrors, mother-of-pearl buttons from the city. I'm accustomed to everything, but now I'm afraid.
Master
Mistress
Hurricane, earthquake, lightning - all these are nothing. We will have to deal with people. And even with young people. And with lovers too! I feel that something that we are not expecting will certainly, certainly happen!
Master
Well, what could happen? The princess won't fall in love with him? Nonsense! Look how nice he is...
Mistress
pipes are thundering
Master
It's too late to talk here, dear. I made it so that one of the kings, passing along the high road, suddenly desperately wanted to turn to our estate!
pipes are thundering
And so he comes here with his retinue, ministers and the princess, his only daughter. Run, son! We will accept them ourselves. When necessary, I will call you.
the bear runs away
Mistress
And won't you be ashamed to look the king in the eyes?
Master
Not a bit! Frankly speaking, I can’t stand kings!
Mistress
Still a guest!
Master
Screw him! He has an executioner in his retinue, and a chopping block is carried in his luggage.
Mistress
Maybe it's just gossip?
Master
You'll see. Now a rude person, a boor, will come in and start acting up, giving orders, demanding.
Mistress
What if not! After all, we will disappear in shame!
Master
knock on the door
the king enters
King
Hello, dear ones! I am the king, my dears.
Master
Good afternoon, Your Majesty.
King
I don’t know why, I really liked your estate. We are driving along the road, and I feel the urge to turn into the mountains and go up to the ladies. Please allow us to stay with you for a few days!
Master
My God... Ay - ah - ah!
King
What's wrong with you?
Master
I thought you weren't like that. Not polite, not gentle. But it doesn’t matter! We'll come up with something. I am always glad to have guests.
King
But we are restless guests!
Master
To hell with it! That's not the point... Please sit down!
King
I like you, master.
sits down
Master
Damn you!
King
And so I will explain to you why we are restless guests. Can?
Master
I beg you, please!
King
I'm a scary person!
Master(joyfully)
King
Very scary. I'm a tyrant!
Master
King
Despot. And besides, I am cunning, vindictive, capricious.
Master
Do you see? What did I tell you, wife?
King
And the most offensive thing is that it’s not my fault...
Master
King
Mistress
Is it impossible to resist?
King
Where there! Along with the family jewels, I inherited all the vile family traits. Can you imagine the pleasure? If you do something nasty, everyone grumbles, and no one wants to understand that it’s Auntie’s fault.
Master
Just think!
laughs
Go crazy!
laughs
King
Hey, you're funny too!
Master
I’ll just hold it no, king.
King
This is great!
takes out a pot-bellied wicker flask from the bag hanging over his shoulder
Hostess, three glasses!
Mistress
If you please, sir!
King
This is a precious, three-hundred-year-old royal wine, No, no, don't offend me. Let's celebrate our meeting.
pours wine
Color, what a color! If the costume were made this color, all the other kings would burst with envy! Well, goodbye! Drink to the bottom!
Master
Don't drink, wife.
King
What do you mean, “don’t drink”?
Master
And it's very simple!
King
Do you want to offend?
Master
That's not the point...
King
Offend? Guest?
grabs the sword
Master
Hush, hush, you! Not at home.
King
Do you want to teach me?! Yes, I just blink my eye and you’re gone. I don't care if I'm at home or not. The ministers will write off, I will express my regret. And you will remain in the damp earth forever and ever. At home, not at home... Insolent! Still smiling... Drink!
Master
I won't!
King
Master
Yes, because the wine is poisoned, king!
King
Which one, which one?
Master
Poisoned, poisoned!
King
Think what you made up!
Master
Drink first! Drink, drink!
laughs
That's it, brother!
throws all three glasses into the fireplace
King
Well, this is really stupid! If I didn’t want to drink, I would have poured the potion back into the bottle. A must-have item on the road! Is it easy to get poison in a foreign land?
Mistress
Shame, shame, Your Majesty!
King
It's not my fault!
Mistress
King
Uncle! He’ll start talking the same way, sometimes, with whomever he has to, he’ll tell three tales about himself, and then he’ll feel ashamed. And his soul was subtle, delicate, easily vulnerable. And in order not to suffer later, he would even poison his interlocutor.
Master
King
Uniform brute! He left an inheritance, you scoundrel!
Master
So it's your uncle's fault?
King
Uncle, uncle, uncle! There's nothing to smile about! I am a well-read and conscientious person. Another would have blamed his meanness on his comrades, on his superiors, on his neighbors, on his wife. And I blame my ancestors as if they were dead. They don't care, but it's easier for me.
Master
King
Shut up! I know what you will say! To answer for yourself, without blaming your neighbors, for all your meanness and stupidity is beyond human strength! I'm not some kind of genius. Just a king, like a dime a dozen. Well, enough about that! Everything became clear. You know me, I know you: you don’t have to pretend, you don’t have to break. Why are you frowning? We remained alive and healthy, well, thank God... What is there...
Mistress
Please tell me, king, and princess too...
King(very soft)
Oh, no, no, what are you talking about! She's completely different.
Mistress
What a disaster!
King
Isn't it true? She is very kind to me. And nice. It's hard for her...
Mistress
Is your mother alive?
King
She died when the princess was only seven minutes old. Don't hurt my daughter.
Mistress
King
Ah, I cease to be a king when I see her or think about her. Friends, my friends, what a blessing that I love only my own daughter so much! A stranger would twist ropes out of me, and I would die from it. I would rest in God... Yes... That's it.
Master(takes an apple out of his pocket)
Eat an apple!
King
Thank you, I don't want to.
Master
Good. Not poisonous!
King
Yes, I know. That's it, my friends. I wanted to tell you about all my worries and sorrows. And if you really wanted to, it’s over! Can't resist. I'll tell you! A? Can?
Master
Well, what is there to ask? Sit down, wife. More comfortable. Closer to the hearth. So I sat down. So are you comfortable? Should I bring some water? Should I close the windows?
King
No, no, thanks.
Master
We are listening, Your Majesty! Tell us!
King
Thank you. Do you know, my friends, where my country is located?
Master
King
Master
Far away.
King
Absolutely right. And now you will find out why we went to travel and got so far. She is the reason for this.
Master
Princess?
King
Yes! She. The fact is, my friends, that the princess was not yet five years old when I noticed that she did not at all look like a royal daughter. At first I was horrified. He even suspected his poor late wife of cheating. He began to find out, ask questions, and abandoned the investigation halfway. I got scared. I managed to become so attached to the girl! I even began to like that she was so unusual. You come to the nursery - and suddenly, I’m ashamed to say, you become cute. Heh heh. At least give up the throne... This is all between us, gentlemen!
Master
Well, of course! Certainly!
King
It was getting ridiculous. You used to sign someone’s death warrant and laugh, remembering her funny pranks and words. Fun, right?
Master
No, why not!
King
Here you go. That's how we lived. The girl is getting smarter and growing up. What would a real good father do in my place? I would gradually accustom my daughter to everyday rudeness, cruelty, and deceit. And I, a damned egoist, was so used to resting my soul next to her that I began, on the contrary, to protect the poor thing from everything that could spoil her. Meanness, right?
Master
No, why not!
King
Meanness, meanness! He brought the best people from all over the kingdom to the palace. I assigned them to my daughter. Things happen behind the wall that make you feel creepy. Do you know what a royal palace is?
Master
King
That's exactly what it is! Behind the wall, people are crushing each other, cutting up their brothers, strangling their sisters... In a word, everyday, everyday life goes on. And you enter the princess’s half - there is music, conversations about good people, about poetry, an eternal holiday. Well, this wall collapsed because of a pure trifle. I remember it now - it was on Saturday. I’m sitting, working, checking the ministers’ reports against each other. My daughter is sitting next to me, embroidering a scarf for my name day... Everything is quiet, peaceful, the birds are singing. Suddenly the master of ceremonies enters and reports: aunt has arrived. Duchess. And I couldn't stand her. Shrill woman. I tell the master of ceremonies: tell her that I’m not at home. Trifle?
Master
King
This is a trifle for you and me, because we are people like people. And my poor daughter, whom I raised as if in a greenhouse, fainted!
Master
King
Honestly. You see, she was amazed that dad, her dad, could tell a lie. She began to get bored, thoughtful, languishing, and I was confused. The grandfather on my mother’s side suddenly woke up in me. He was a sissy. He was so afraid of pain that at the slightest misfortune he froze, did nothing, and kept hoping for the best. When his beloved wife was being strangled in front of him, he stood next to him and persuaded him: be patient, maybe everything will work out! And when she was buried, he walked behind the coffin and whistled. And then he fell and died. Is he a good boy?
Master
Much better.
King
Did heredity wake up in time? Do you understand what a tragedy it turned out to be? The princess wanders around the palace, thinks, looks, listens, and I sit on the throne with my arms folded and whistle. The princess is about to find out something about me that will kill her, and I smile helplessly. But one night I suddenly woke up. Jumped up. He ordered the horses to be harnessed - and at dawn we were already racing along the road, graciously responding to the low bows of our kind subjects.
Mistress
My God, how sad all this is!
King
We didn't stay with our neighbors. Neighbors are known to be gossipers. We rushed further and further until we reached the Carpathian Mountains, where no one had ever heard anything about us. The air here is clean, mountainous. Let me stay with you until we build a castle with all the amenities, a garden, a dungeon and playgrounds...
Mistress
I'm afraid that...
Master
Don't be afraid, please! Please! I beg you! I love it all so much! Well, dear, well, dear! Let's go, let's go, Your Majesty, I'll show you the rooms.
King
Thank you!
Master(lets the king go ahead)
Please come here, Your Majesty! Be careful, there's a step here. Like this.
turns to his wife | in a whisper
Give me at least one day to be naughty! Falling in love is useful! He won't die, my God!
runs away
Mistress
Well, no! Have fun! How can such a girl endure it when a sweet and affectionate young man turns into a wild beast before her eyes? For an experienced woman, even that would be scary. I won't allow it! I’ll persuade this poor bear to endure a little longer, to look for another princess, worse. By the way, his horse is standing unsaddled, snorting into the oats - which means he is full and rested. Get on horseback and ride over the mountains! Then you'll come back!
calling
Son! Son! Where are you?
Bear
Mistress(behind the scenes)
Come out to my kindergarten!
Bear
opens the door | behind the door there is a girl with a bouquet in her hands
Sorry, I think I pushed you, dear girl?
girl drops flowers | the bear picks them up
What's wrong with you? Did I scare you?
Young woman
No. I was just a little confused. You see, until now no one has simply called me “dear girl.”
Bear
I didn't mean to offend you!
Young woman
But I wasn’t offended at all!
Bear
Well, thank God! My problem is that I'm terribly truthful. If I see that a girl is nice, then I tell her so directly.
Son, son, I'm waiting for you!
Young woman
Is this your name?
Bear
Young woman
Are you the son of the owner of this house?
Bear
No, I'm an orphan.
Young woman
Me too. That is, my father is alive, and my mother died when I was only seven minutes old.
Bear
But you probably have a lot of friends?
Young woman
Why do you think?
Bear
I don’t know... It seems to me that everyone should love you.
Young woman
For what?
Bear
You are very gentle. Really... Tell me, when you hide your face in flowers, does it mean that you are angry?
Young woman
Bear
Then I’ll tell you this: you are beautiful. You are so beautiful! Very. Marvelous. Terrible.
Son, son, where are you?
Bear
Please don't leave!
Young woman
But it’s your name.
Bear
Yes. Name: And here's what else I'll tell you. I really liked you. Terrible. Straightaway.
the girl laughs
Am I funny?
Young woman
No. But... what else should I do? I don't know. After all, no one spoke to me like that...
Bear
I'm very happy about this. My God, what am I doing? You are probably tired from the road, hungry, and I keep chatting and chatting. Please sit down. Here's the milk. Pairs. Drink! Come on! With bread, with bread!
girl obeys | she drinks milk and eats bread without taking her eyes off the bear
Young woman
Tell me please, are you not a wizard?
Bear
No, what are you talking about!
Young woman
Why then do I obey you so much? I had a very hearty breakfast just five minutes ago - and now I’m drinking milk again, and with bread. Honestly, you're not a wizard?
Bear
Honestly.
Young woman
And why, when you said... that you... liked me, then... I felt some strange weakness in my shoulders and arms and... Forgive me for asking you about this, but who else should I ask? We suddenly became friends! Right?
Bear
Young woman
I don’t understand anything... Is today a holiday?
Bear
Don't know. Yes. Holiday.
Young woman
I knew it.
Bear
Tell me, please, who are you? Are you part of the king's retinue?
Young woman
Bear
Ah, I understand! Are you from the princess's retinue?
Young woman
What if I am the princess herself?
Bear
No, no, don't joke with me so cruelly!
Young woman
What's wrong with you? You suddenly turned so pale! What did I say?
Bear
No, no, you are not a princess. No! I wandered around the world for a long time and saw many princesses - you are not at all like them!
Young woman
Bear
No, no, don't torture me. Talk about whatever you want, just not this.
Young woman
Fine. You... You say that you wandered around the world a lot?
Bear
Yes. I kept studying and studying, both at the Sorbonne, and in Leiden, and in Prague. It seemed to me that it was very difficult for a person to live, and I became completely sad. And then I began to study.
Young woman
Bear
It didn't help.
Young woman
Are you still sad?
Bear
Not all the time, but I'm sad.
Young woman
How strange! But it seemed to me that you were so calm, joyful, simple!
Bear
This is because I am healthy as a bear. What's wrong with you? Why are you suddenly blushing?
Young woman
I don't know myself. After all, I have changed so much in the last five minutes that I don’t know myself at all. Now I'll try to understand what's going on here. I... I was scared!
Bear
Young woman
You said that you are healthy as a bear.
Bear
It's a joke. And I am so defenseless with this magical humility of mine. Will you offend me?
Bear
Give me your hand.
girl obeys | bear gets down on one knee | kisses her hand
May thunder kill me if I ever offend you. Where you go, I will go; when you die, then I will die.
pipes are thundering
Young woman
My God! I completely forgot about them. The retinue finally reached the place.
comes to the window
What yesterday's, homely faces! Let's hide from them!
Bear
Young woman
Let's run to the river!
run away holding hands | the hostess immediately enters the room | she smiles through her tears
Mistress
Oh, my God, my God! Standing here under the window, I heard their entire conversation from word to word. But she didn’t dare go in and separate them. Why? Why am I crying and rejoicing like a fool? After all, I understand that this cannot end in anything good, but there is a holiday in my heart. Well, a hurricane came, love came. Poor children, happy children!
timid knock on the door
a very quiet, casually dressed man enters with a bundle in his hands
Human
Hello, hostess! Sorry for barging in on you. Maybe I got in the way? Maybe I should leave?
Mistress
No, no, what are you talking about! Please sit down!
Human
Can I put a knot?
Mistress
Of course, please!
Human
You are very kind. Oh, what a nice, comfortable hearth! And a skewer handle! And a hook for the teapot!
Mistress
Are you a royal chef?
Human
No, mistress, I am the king's first minister.
Mistress
Minister
His Majesty's First Minister.
Mistress
Oh, sorry...
Minister
It’s okay, I’m not angry... Once upon a time, everyone guessed at first glance that I was a minister. I was radiant, so majestic. Experts argued that it was difficult to understand who was more important and worthy - me or the royal cats. And now... You see for yourself...
Mistress
What brought you to this state?
Minister
Dear, mistress.
Mistress
Minister
For some reason, we, a group of courtiers, were torn from our usual surroundings and sent to foreign countries. This in itself is painful, and then there is this tyrant.
Mistress
Minister
What are you, what are you! We have long been accustomed to His Majesty. A tyrant is a minister-administrator.
Mistress
But if you are the first minister, is he your subordinate? How can he be your tyrant?
Minister
He took away such power that we all tremble before him.
Mistress
How did he manage to do this?
Minister
He is the only one of us who knows how to travel. He knows how to get horses at the post station, get a carriage, feed us. True, he does all this badly, but we cannot do anything like that at all. Don't tell him that I complained, otherwise he will leave me without sweets.
Mistress
Why don't you complain to the king?
Minister
Ah, he serves and supplies the king so well... as they say in business language... that the sovereign does not want to hear anything.
two ladies-in-waiting and a court lady enter
Lady
(speaks softly, quietly, pronounces every word with aristocratic clarity)
God knows when it will end! We'll be lurking among the pigs here until this poisonous bastard deigns to give us soap. Hello, hostess, sorry that we don't knock. On the road we became wild as hell.
Minister
Yes, here it is, the road! Men become quiet from horror, and women become menacing. Let me introduce you to the beauty and pride of the royal retinue - the first lady of the cavalry.
Lady
My God, how long ago I haven’t heard such words!
curtsies
I'm so damn glad.
introduces the hostess
Princesses Orinthia and Amanda's maids of honor.
maids of honor curtsy
Sorry, mistress, but I'm beside myself! His damned Excellency the Minister-Administrator did not give us today powder, quelkfleur perfume and glycerin soap, which softens the skin and protects against chapping. I am convinced that he sold it all to the natives. Would you believe it, when we left the capital, he only had a pitiful cardboard from under his hat, which contained a sandwich and his pitiful underpants.
to the minister
Don’t flinch, my dear, that’s what we saw on the road! I repeat: long johns. And now the impudent man has thirty-three caskets and twenty-two suitcases, not counting what he sent home with the opportunity.
Orinthia
And the worst thing is that now we can only talk about breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Amanda
Is this why we left our native palace?
Lady
The brute does not want to understand that the main thing in our journey is subtle feelings: the feelings of the princess, the feelings of the king. We were taken into the retinue as delicate, sensitive, sweet women. I'm ready to suffer. Don't sleep at night. She even agrees to die to help the princess. But why endure unnecessary, unnecessary, humiliating torment because of a camel that has lost its shame?
Mistress
Would you like to wash yourself off the road, madam?
Lady
We don't have soap!
Mistress
I will give you everything you need and as much hot water as you need.
Lady
You are a saint!
kisses the hostess
Wash! Remember settled life! What happiness!
Mistress
Come on, let's go, I'll take you with you. Sit down, sir! I'll be right back and buy you some coffee.
leaves with the lady of the court and ladies-in-waiting | minister sits by the fireplace | enters the minister-administrator | the first minister jumps up
Minister(timidly)
Hello!
Administrator
Minister
I said: hello!
Administrator
See you!
Minister
Oh, why, why are you so impolite to me?
Administrator
I didn't say a single bad word to you.
takes a notebook out of his pocket and delve into some calculations
Minister
Excuse me... Where are our suitcases?
Administrator
Here are the people! Everything about yourself, everything only about yourself!
Minister
Administrator
If you interfere, I’ll leave you without breakfast.
Minister
No, I'm okay. It’s so simple... I’ll go look for it myself... the suitcase. My God, when will all this end!
leaves
Administrator(mutters, immersed in a book)
Two pounds for the courtier, and four in the mind... Three pounds for the king, and one and a half in the mind. A pound for the princess, but half a pound in your mind. Total in mind is six pounds! In one morning! Well done. Smart girl.
Evgeny Schwartz
An ordinary miracle
Ekaterina Ivanovna Schwartz
Characters
Master.
Mistress.
Bear.
King.
Princess.
Minister-Administrator.
First Minister.
Court lady.
Orinthia.
Amanda.
Innkeeper.
Hunter.
Hunter's Apprentice.
Executioner.
Appears before the curtain Human, who tells the audience quietly and thoughtfully:
– “An Ordinary Miracle” – what a strange name! If a miracle means something extraordinary! And if it’s ordinary, then it’s not a miracle.
The answer is that we are talking about love. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other - which is common. They quarrel – which is also not uncommon. They almost die of love. And finally, the strength of their feeling reaches such a height that it begins to work real miracles - which is both surprising and ordinary.
You can talk about love and sing songs, but we will tell a fairy tale about it.
In a fairy tale, the ordinary and the miraculous are very conveniently placed side by side and are easily understood if you look at the fairy tale as a fairy tale. Like in childhood. Don't look for hidden meaning in it. A fairy tale is told not in order to hide, but in order to reveal, to say with all your might, out loud what you think.
Among the characters in our fairy tale, who are closer to the “ordinary” ones, you will recognize people whom you meet quite often. For example, the king. You can easily recognize in him an ordinary apartment despot, a frail tyrant who deftly knows how to explain his outrages by considerations of principle. Or dystrophy of the heart muscle. Or psychasthenia. Or even heredity. In the fairy tale, he is made a king so that his character traits reach their natural limit. You will also recognize the minister-administrator, the dashing supplier. And an honored figure in hunting. And some others.
But the heroes of the fairy tale, who are closer to the “miracle”, are deprived household damn today. Such are the wizard, and his wife, and the princess, and the bear.
How do such different people get along in one fairy tale? And it's very simple. Just like in life.
And our fairy tale begins simply. One wizard got married, settled down and started farming. But no matter how you feed the wizard, he is always drawn to miracles, transformations and amazing adventures. And so he got involved in the love story of those very young people I spoke about at the beginning. And everything got confused, mixed up - and finally unraveled so unexpectedly that the wizard himself, accustomed to miracles, clasped his hands in surprise.
It all ended in grief for the lovers or in happiness - you will find out at the very end of the fairy tale. (Disappears.)
Act one
Estate in the Carpathian Mountains. Large room, sparkling clean. On the hearth is a dazzlingly sparkling copper coffee pot. A bearded man, huge in height, broad-shouldered, sweeps the room and talks to himself at the top of his voice. This owner of the estate.
Master. Like this! That's great! I work and work, as befits an owner, everyone will look and praise, everything with me is like that of other people. I don’t sing, I don’t dance, I don’t tumble like a wild animal. The owner of an excellent estate in the mountains cannot roar like a bison, no, no! I work without any liberties... Ah! (Listens, covers his face with his hands.) She's coming! She! She! Her steps... I’ve been married for fifteen years, and I’m still in love with my wife, like a boy, honestly! It's coming! She! (Giggles shyly.) What a nonsense, my heart is beating so much that it even hurts... Hello, wife!
Included mistress, still a young, very attractive woman.
Hello wife, hello! It’s been a long time since we parted, just an hour ago, but I’m happy for you, as if we haven’t seen each other for a year, that’s how I love you... (Getting scared.) What's wrong with you? Who dared to offend you?
Mistress. You.
Master. It can't be! Oh, I'm rude! Poor woman, standing there so sad, shaking her head... What a disaster! What have I, damned one, done?
Mistress. Think about it.
Master. Well, where is there to think... Speak, don’t be tormented...
Mistress. What did you do this morning in the chicken coop?
Master (laughs). So it’s me who loves!
Mistress. Thank you for such love. I open the chicken coop, and suddenly - hello! All my chickens have four legs...
Master. Well, what's offensive about that?
Mistress. And the chicken has a mustache like a soldier.
Master. Ha ha ha!
Mistress. Who promised to improve? Who promised to live like everyone else?
Master. Well, dear, well, dear, well, forgive me! What can you do... After all, I’m a wizard!
Mistress. You never know!
Master. The morning was cheerful, the sky was clear, there was nowhere to put any energy, it was so good. I wanted to fool around...
Mistress. Well, I would do something useful for the economy. They brought sand over there to sprinkle the paths. I would take it and turn it into sugar.
Master. Well, what a prank this is!
Mistress. Or he would turn those stones that were piled near the barn into cheese.
Master. Not funny!
Mistress. Well, what should I do with you? I fight, I fight, and you are still the same wild hunter, mountain wizard, crazy bearded man!
Master. I'm trying!
Mistress. Everything is going well, just like people do, and suddenly - bang! - thunder, lightning, miracles, transformations, fairy tales, all sorts of legends... Poor thing... (Kisses him.) Well, go, dear!
Master. Where?
Mistress. To the chicken coop.
Master. For what?
Mistress. Fix what you did there.
Master. I can't!
Mistress. Well please!
Master. I can't. You yourself know how things are in the world. Sometimes you mess around, and then you’ll fix everything. And sometimes there’s a click and there’s no turning back! I already beat these chickens with a magic wand, and curled them with a whirlwind, and struck them with lightning seven times - all in vain! This means that what has been done here cannot be corrected.
Mistress. Well, nothing can be done... I will shave the chicken every day, and turn away from chickens. Well, now let's move on to the most important thing. Who are you waiting for?
Master. No one.
Mistress. Look me in the eyes.
Master. I'm watching.
Mistress. Tell the truth, what will happen? What guests should we receive today? People? Or will ghosts come and play dice with you? Don't be afraid, speak up. If we have the ghost of a young nun, I will even be glad. She promised to bring back from the other world a pattern for a blouse with wide sleeves, such as was worn three hundred years ago. This style is back in fashion. Will the nun come?
Master. No.
Mistress. It's a pity. So there won't be anyone? No? Do you really think that you can hide the truth from your wife? You'd rather deceive yourself than me. Look, your ears are burning, sparks are flying from your eyes...
Master. Not true! Where?
Mistress. There they are! That's how they sparkle. Don't be shy, admit it! Well? Together!
Master. OK! We will have guests today. Forgive me, I'm trying. Became a homebody. But... But the soul asks for something... magical. No offense!
Mistress. I knew who I was marrying.
Master. There will be, there will be guests! Here, now, now!
Mistress. Correct your collar quickly. Pull up your sleeves!
Master (laughs). Do you hear, do you hear? On his way.
The approaching clatter of hooves.
It's him, it's him!
Mistress. Who?
Master. The same young man because of whom amazing events will begin for us. What a joy! That's nice!
Mistress. Is this a young man like a young man?
Master. Yes, yes!
Mistress. That’s good, my coffee just boiled.
There's a knock on the door.
Master. Come in, come in, we've been waiting for a long time! I'm very glad!
Included young man. Dressed elegantly. Modest, simple, thoughtful. Silently bows to the owners.
(Hugs him.) Hello, hello, son!
Mistress. Sit down at the table, please, have some coffee, please. What's your name, son?
young man. Bear.
Mistress. How do you say?
young man. Bear.
Mistress. What an inappropriate nickname!
young man. It's not a nickname at all. I really am a bear.
Mistress. No, what are you... Why? You move so deftly, speak so softly.
young man. You see... Your husband turned me into a human seven years ago. And he did it perfectly. He is a magnificent wizard. He has golden hands, mistress.
Master. Thank you, son! (Shakes Bear's hand.)
Mistress. This is true?
Master. That's when it happened! Expensive! Seven years ago!
