An adult who doesn't. Communicate like an adult

Greetings dear readers of the site. In this article we will talk about who adults are, what qualities they possess and, based on this, we will consider ways that will allow us to become an absolutely adult person.

You've probably been told more than once that you behave like a child. And maybe it bothered you. To be honest, no matter who. Because people always have their own needs. Some people really want to feel like an independent and adult person. Because it seems like it’s already a kind of “image” . Another category of people are trying in every possible way to hide from the opportunity to grow up, because they find adult life boring, gray and too serious. After all, adults are not allowed to have fun, as we usually think of it now. Actually, everyone has their own opinion on this matter.

What do adults usually do?

Naturally, all adults live separately from their parents and do everything themselves. They do everything on their own. All adults go to work and do adult things there. And to put it jokingly, adults differ in height from human children. They are much taller than a human child.

If I remember my childhood, that’s exactly what I thought. I thought that adults are people who go to work, and not to school or university. I believed that adults are those people who cannot play at anything, even if they want to. They just have to keep that desire (to play the game) inside them. Adults do everything themselves, which is by no means true, and give birth to children. There is no greater difference between a human child and an adult.

Over time, I began to believe that an adult is someone who has sex. This is someone who smokes and drinks alcohol. Sorry, but the cliches made themselves felt then. Quite recently I became confused about who adults are and who are still in deep childhood. Having thought about this question: who are adults, I have already made other conclusions. Everyone has their own version on this matter, but willy-nilly, some adults prefer to remain a child. But remaining a child does not mean not being able to cope with “adult” affairs and work. Because many people now evaluate adults by their character, behavior and, ultimately, what and how they do.

I would like to crack a little stereotypes and various thoughts about human adulthood. The fact is that I know a woman who is already forty years old, and her daughter is already an adult (relatively), and she, unfortunately, is still forced to live with her parents. She is a housewife and has a young son.

Talking to her, I see that she is an adult. She thinks like an adult mother, and no external " non-adults " cliched circumstances did not prevent her from doing this. Therefore, it is important to conclude that an adult is not someone who lives in “adult” conditions. An adult is what we will now consider.

Who are adults?

Adults are, first of all, those people who have come to the realization that they are adults!! That is, they have a desire to become an adult and recognize themselves as such, despite what they are told. They know their pros and cons, and do everything to become an adult and independent. It doesn’t even depend on the conditions in which they now live: for example, with their parents. Or they can’t fully provide for themselves yet.

The fact is that they are trying to become self-sufficient. Become confident individuals. After all, confidence is a quality of an adult. An adult understands that he must take full responsibility upon himself. He doesn't blame all the problems on others. He solves them himself because it interests him. Because he himself is eager to understand his situation.

An adult is one who knows his goals and follows them. He knows his worth. He knows what he wants, with whom he can communicate and with whom he cannot. Others do not decide this for him. He makes his own decisions and all their consequences.

An adult is endowed with self-discipline. That is, this is a person who made a decision and immediately did it. His demeanor differs from that of a human child, and inner freedom is a worthy quality of an adult.

An adult provides for himself and his family. Takes care of them and helps them with everything. You can find an adult by what and how he says.

How to grow up? How to become an adult?

Take responsibility. We have already discussed this briefly. The fact is that until a person takes all his thoughts, actions and actions under his own responsibility, he will not be able to grow up. Because we ourselves remember this childhood expression: "He started it first..." It's funny if an adult says that. You must know what you want and what you need to do. Everything that happens is the result of an adult decision you made. By taking responsibility, others do not decide for you what and how you need to do. Parents used to do this. Now your decision is your choice.
Admit to yourself that you are an adult. This is important to do because there are people you can ask: " Do you think you're an adult?" Here you can hear this answer: “No, what are you doing?! I don’t want to grow up.” Therefore, it is important to take such a seemingly small step. But he is important!
Reconsider your beliefs. The fact is that everyone has their own theory of growing up and their own answers to what an adult is. Here you need to look at your opinion and what you believe. All people are different, and as they say: "How many people - so many opinions." It’s just that for some you are considered an adult, and for others you are considered just a child. Therefore, it is important to take into account your beliefs. If you are convinced that you are an adult and are taking the right steps towards growing up, then you are an adult.
Do everything yourself. An adult is one who is able to take care of himself. This is a fact and it is worth accepting. You need to train yourself to do everything yourself. For example, a woman at the age of 18 should already be able to cook. A man too, but it will be better if he is already able to provide for himself. You can't rely on others. You can and should rely only on yourself. We all know how life can give you a “magic” kick-off. A woman has not worked all her life, but only took care of the children, and suddenly her husband leaves her. So what can a woman with children do? She is forced to adapt and begin to provide for herself and her children. Therefore, I recommend that you do not wait for life to give you such a kick. Better prepare yourself for everything right now.
Your surroundings. Your environment greatly influences you: “Whoever you mess with, you’ll get enough of.” You should think about your surroundings. Do they make you think and act like an adult?! But I’m not talking about the environment that believes that the path to growing up lies through tobacco smoke and alcohol consumption.
Consistency in conditions. The tougher the conditions, the more mature you will become. You will gain intelligence and wisdom, and form a character in yourself. But here, too, consistency is needed. Why? Nothing stands still. Just like our development. If you ride your bike up a hill and stop, what happens? You'll go downhill!!!

I remember how my brother and I opened a business (by weight ice cream). We were 19 years old then. Those conditions and people made me an adult. Because the environment and conditions were such. But, unfortunately, in the summer we had to close down the shop, and everything returned to normal. . After a while, I noticed that I was acting just as childish as before. And I came to the conclusion that only constant conditions can make an adult out of us.

This is where all the methods and advice end. You can become an adult at 15 years old, or you can become an adult at 25!!! Everyone has their own path. It all starts with the desire and awareness of oneself as an adult. I recommend watching the video!!!

An adult is one who provides for himself, plus supports not only himself, but also his family, raises children and supports parents. The one who actually has an adult circle of care, who actually does this.

Axis of adulthood, boundaries of adulthood

An adult is the level of personal development of a person along the Personal Life axis. The other two axes are “Business and Business” and “Growth and Development”. What position an adult occupies on these other axes is a special question. Not every adult is a successful businessman and leader, not every adult is a self-actualizing person.

On the “Personal Life” axis below the adult there is a young man (only himself, but supports himself), a child person (a person with infantile traits, unable to support and serve himself). Even lower - infantile, already a disease.

If a person is not only an adult, but also successful in business terms, they say he is an accomplished person.

If a person’s level of responsibility goes beyond his family, he is responsible for a large company, for a big business, for a city or country, he is called a big man. A person who has made a positive contribution to the history of mankind is a great person.

The inner world of adulthood

A completely, truly adult person is one who not only does the things of an adult, but wants to do them and knows how to do them.

Whether he wants or not. An adult can be out of necessity (out of duty) - he is outwardly an adult, but in his soul he can be a Man-Child. The responsibility of an adult can be thrown off - thrown off, turned into an entertaining child, or even into a Goonie. Internally, an adult chooses to be an adult, wants to be an adult, it is natural for him to be an adult - according to his soul, according to his inclination, according to his value orientation. Such an adult, internally mature person stops frantically looking for someone to rely on or someone to throw off responsibility to - he voluntarily takes responsibility and is a support for himself and others.

He can - he can’t. High-quality performance of the duties of an adult presupposes maturity: intellectual and social, mental and spiritual. It assumes a lot of knowledge, abilities, skills and habits, presupposes a certain life experience and a certain level of personality development. The criterion for the quality of adulthood and the meaning of adulthood (what is all this for) is how warm and strong the family is, how protected the parents are, how educated and prepared for life, and how happy the children are.

Inner freedom. An adult does not necessarily look like a boring robot. The ability to timely use the necessary personal roles, including the roles of Parent and Child, is a completely adult trait. Playfulness, spontaneity, gaiety are children's qualities, but they may not interfere with adult decisions at all. The opposite of internal freedom is a pattern when an adult develops restrictions at the behavioral level. Such an adult cannot afford to act unexpectedly or unconventionally - throw out a knee, unexpectedly jump, etc. - since this is the behavior of a child and does not seem to correspond to the image of an adult.

Personality traits that contribute to adulthood

The main features that contribute to adulthood, making a person’s adulthood more complete and of higher quality:

Responsibility. In particular, these are:

Responsible behavior. An adult takes responsibility when he has something to answer, and does not take responsibility when there is nothing to answer.

Independence and a large amount of caring for others. Here the man is the protector and supporter of the woman, the head of the family and the father of the children. A woman is the keeper of the hearth, the support of her husband, the mistress of the house and the mother of children.

Demandingness where an adult must be demanding. Children, get ready for school!

Developed ability to control your feelings and desires, including the ability to refuse inappropriate and untimely desires. In an adult, expediency prevails over impulse.

Psychological literacy. In particular, these are:

Constructive attitude towards difficulties,

The ability to respond competently to different life situations (disappointments, defeats and victories),

Three-dimensional vision of the situation (see Positions of perception),

The ability to be a leader and educator where this is in demand.

Mental health. In particular, these are:

The ability to find the good in life and a sense of reality.

The ability to gratefully accept criticism.

Freedom from fear and emotional invulnerability,

True adulthood is possible only with the prerequisite of mental health. If there is no mental health, it is difficult to expect responsible behavior and psychological literacy from a person. If an adult is mentally healthy and does it with joy, he is an active person. If an Adult with neurotic traits, he performs the duties of an adult, but suffers from this, he is a Martyr.

Adult and other personality types

Types of adults

Adults differ in personality type. An adult can have any accentuations: hysterical, schizoid, paranoid, and so on, but the more pronounced the accentuations, the less of an adult he is.

External manifestations of an adult

An adult can be distinguished from a child not only by his actions and words, but also by the way he behaves and speaks - by his image.

As a child, it always seemed to me that adults are extremely wise, know everything in the world and never make mistakes. I firmly believed in this until I grew up. And then at one fine moment you realize that there are no adults around you, there are only... We grew up, put on different clothes, but inside we remained the same, small children demanding attention and approval.

Editorial today “So Simple!” invites you to talk about adulthood, about why people still can’t grow up at the age of 40, and how to do it anyway, and, in general, whether it’s necessary.

How to become an adult

Who is an adult? How is this determined? Now you graduated from school, you were given a certificate, and before that you were given a passport. You have a lot of papers that assign you a lot of responsibilities, but none of them give you a sense of adulthood. They do not trigger the necessary psychological processes in the head of a young citizen.

As a result, we remain the same boys and girls only with new papers, but old expectations and claims. As children, we seek approval from adults. “Mom, do you like my drawing? Dad, look how I can.” And parents regulate our behavior with their disapproval or praise. And here we are adults, and nothing has changed significantly.

And we see a man or woman over 40 who is looking for the approval of “adults”. They do everything just to get praise, which is much more important than objective achievements. They simply forgot to tell the person that he is an adult, he can do everything and that now he is responsible for everything himself. And there are a lot of people who simply haven’t matured; they just pretend to be adults.

Are they to blame? Of course not. The switch for adulthood didn’t switch, that’s all. But is everyone responsible for this? Yes, it does, everyone must gather their will into a fist and move this switch from a dead point.

How to recognize a human child? People who remain children in their 40s often complain that life is unfair to them, that it is not their fault. A person has a clear idea in his head that everyone owes him something, that he didn’t receive something. This gives rise to more and more disturbances.

I have a friend who hasn't had much success in life. And so she decided that all her problems were because her parents did not love her as a child. Although she grew up in a complete family with a very caring mother, it’s not for me to judge.

It seemed that the goal of the person's entire life was to prove to everyone that she was more disliked than everyone else. Her speeches read like this: “I'm a poor little bunny. I wasn’t loved as a child, so I’m unhappy and can’t achieve anything in life.”.

And such “disliked bunnies” are drawn to people, looking for praise and approval in order to get everything they were entitled to. And here’s the most interesting thing: there is bad news for such people: then there’s no way to get what they didn’t get. Perhaps it is bitter to realize, but childhood is over, adult, real life has begun.

And, oddly enough, you have a choice. Option one: you can accept reality, realize all the injustice and finally come to terms with it. Understanding that everyone received the set of goodies they received in childhood will not change anything else. And after all these discoveries, switch the switch and start living your own life.

Option two: you can say that the author is wrong, does not understand anything, and continue your search for all the lost love and care. You will be confident that you are right, you will depend on others, seek approval and change jobs, partners, cities, proving that you are the most disliked person in the world.

And it’s not so easy to just pick the first option. There is responsibility there, no one decides for you, everything is on your shoulders. But that’s the beauty of it, because you decide for yourself, you are the author of your life. You don’t need to prove to anyone that you are beautiful and feminine enough or moderately courageous and strong. You just do it and get results. That's when this awareness comes, growing up occurs.

Not everyone manages to achieve this on their own; then psychotherapy comes to the rescue. Yes, in our open spaces it is not fashionable, and in some places it is even reprehensible, but it is extremely effective. Thanks to therapy, it becomes possible to put everything in its place and start living your life. The psychotherapist helps you find the cause of the problem, the missed stages of growing up and makes you understand that you are no longer a “disliked little bunny”, but an independent adult.

This can be done on your own if you know how to analyze what is happening and yourself in particular. We give up illusions and accept the world as it is, that’s all. And I'm not saying that an inner child is something bad. Of course not, this is what makes us less callous and prevents us from becoming completely callous. You just need to understand when there is a playful child inside you that sometimes asks to come out, and when the child is you.

Many people believe that all our problems come from childhood, and even that. And this is not far from the truth, you just need to learn to realize, accept and cope with it. Good luck!

What do you think about this? Tell us in the comments!

Ekaterina Khodyuk’s main hobby is literature. She also loves watching good movies, enjoying autumn, petting cats and listening to the band “Spleen”. He is interested in Japanese culture, the thinking and way of life of the Japanese, and dreams of visiting this country. Katya strives to live a rich life, full of impressions and travel. The girl’s favorite book is “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” by Milan Kundera.

Stories about ten classmates who were friends until their gray hairs will most likely remain only in films. At one not-so-wonderful moment, you will discover that with many of those with whom you shared your most intimate things. And all your new friends are your colleagues. Because in adult life you have neither the time nor the desire to get involved in adventures, since you are generally tired of people.

2. You will have to develop a system for evaluating yourself

As a child, you get used to the fact that there is always a moderator of your behavior next to you. The teacher gives grades, parents give candy or a belt. And you learn to balance between personal interests and attempts to please an adult, but at the same time you see a framework within which you can return if something happens.

In adult life, there will be significantly fewer guidelines and you will have to develop them. There are some things you won't be praised or scolded for, and you have to know for yourself what is acceptable and what is not in order to continue to respect yourself.

3. Fear of doctors does not go away with age.

You used to be afraid of the doctor because he would look into your mouth and give you a painful injection. Over the years, the fear has not gone away, there are simply more reasons for panic.

4. Your body will betray your age.

From the point of view of social life, 25 is the new 18; at 30, life is just beginning, and one cannot dare to call sixty-year-olds old men and women. But your body will think differently. One day - and quite early on - you will feel that something is wrong with him. In another couple of years, you will know exactly what is wrong with him, and realize that it will only get worse. You will have a first aid kit with medicines for all occasions, and you will know exactly where your compulsory medical insurance policy is.

5. Your metabolism will change

It doesn’t matter how much you could eat and not gain weight: a handful or a bucket. As you age, you will have to eat less to maintain weight because your metabolism...

6. It's impossible to feel old enough.

The argument “when I become an adult” will never lose its relevance, it’s just that one day it will become embarrassing to say it out loud. No miracle will happen on the day you turn 18, 21, 30 years old. You just one day find yourself in a difficult situation, decide to ask adults for help and realize that the most adult here is you.

7. Even your dream job is first and foremost a job.

The things you love will sometimes annoy you, and this applies to work too. Your dream position will require a lot of work and take up a huge amount of time. The difference between a great job and just a job is that you will at least sometimes be thinking about what you are doing.

8. People won't interfere in your life any less.

The hope that as you get older they will finally stop lecturing you will not come true. Everyone around you will still think that they know better how to live your life. Only if earlier for approval it was enough to study well and not dye your hair green, now the list of social expectations will not fit in a notebook of 48 pages. At a minimum, people will think that for some reason you are interested in knowing their opinion.

9. You will discover gaps in technical literacy.

You can be surprised all you want that parents have never learned to write SMS, until you discover that you yourself are several steps behind teenagers. After all, why master a new technology if the old one works great?

10. You will dream of solitude

A little adulthood and a fun holiday in Ibiza will no longer be a priority in your holiday plans. Your choice is a remote village somewhere in the forests of Finland, or better yet on the Moon, and there is no mobile connection.

11. You realize that everyone is mortal.

None of your relatives bear the surname MacLeod, so you always understood that your parents would die sooner or later, and so would your life. But with age, this fact moves from the realm of knowledge into a clearly realized inevitability. You will sympathize with friends, receive messages about the death of classmates, read the news and know that any moment of your life could be your last.

12. Successful pop and football stars are younger than you

In many professions, 13 years is the age when it’s too late to start. But you continued to secretly hope that a model scout would meet you on the street and be speechless from beauty, or that your passion for street football would develop into something more. And then you suddenly discover that even the contestants on scandalous TV shows are younger than you, not to mention the real rising stars.

13. Good grades at school and university do not guarantee a successful career.

Red covers of education documents do not guarantee anything at all. Only government agencies will look at your diploma, because they have a strictly regulated hiring procedure. In commercial companies, it is more important to have an up-to-date . And it is quite likely that yesterday’s poor students will manage excellent students, and not because of connections, but because they really know better what to do.

14. You can't buy everything for yourself.

As a child, it seems that if you had your parents’ money in your pocket, you would buy yourself a stuffed puppy, a model of a tank, fashionable jeans, the latest model of a computer, and basically everything you want. But, firstly, as you get older you will realize that you simply don’t have enough for everything. Secondly, you no longer need a stuffed puppy and a tank model.

15. You can eat sweets for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won’t

Sweets are an inexpensive pleasure. They are more affordable than vegetables or quality meat. But you will often eat chicken with buckwheat instead of chocolate, because now you know everything about calories and...

16. You can throw away the ice cream because it doesn't taste good.

Even your favorite delicacies will be divided into tasty and tasteless for you. For complete happiness, just ice cream is no longer enough for you, you need the same thing.

17. Love doesn’t have to be one and last a lifetime.

Parting with your first love will be very difficult for you. Most likely, you will even decide that you will never experience such strong feelings again. However, you will fall in love again and feel very happy.

18. Birthday is not such a fun holiday.

Even if you do not experience any complexes about the inevitable growing up and openly state your age, there will be dozens of people around who can overshadow any holiday. They will say what it was time to do at your age, and what is now forbidden, joke about old age wrinkles and gray hair, hint at a quick walk towards the cemetery. And when you say that you will figure out for yourself whether to wear a miniskirt after 25 and whether to ride a bicycle after 40, you will be considered a boor. Therefore, the birthday will become, first of all, a holiday of unpleasant communications.

19. You can stay without a family for a long time and not suffer from it

As a child, it seems that 25 years is a very old age and by this time you need to start a family and have children. At the same time, at almost any age you can find that.

20. Parents’ bad predictions will not come true.

Your life will turn out at least normally: the apartment will not become overgrown with dirt, you will find a normal job and will be able to be responsible.

What things from adult life came as a surprise to you? Share in the comments.

Infantilism in modern society is not a new phenomenon. You have probably noticed that more and more people behave like children: they shift the blame for their actions onto circumstances and other people, do not know how to stand up for themselves, constantly complain about fate, do not develop, and so on. If you are often told that you behave like a child, then you urgently need to rebuild yourself. This may take a hell of a lot of work, but it's worth it. After all, you acquire special energy and self-confidence, and most importantly, you will win people over. In this article we will look at the most effective ways to grow up.

Why do many adults remain children?

If an adult behaves childishly, it means that he simply does not want to grow up or does not know how to do it. In the first case, it is so convenient and easier for a person to live. After all, he doesn’t need to think about anything, other people decide for him: where to go to study, who to work for, how much to earn. And why take the blame for your own mistakes and mistakes? After all, chance, an employee, a close friend are to blame for everything. An infantile person does not dare to make decisions and tries in every possible way to escape responsibility.

There is a psychological theory by E. Berne, according to which a child, an adult and a parent live in each of us.

Unfortunately, such childishness will not lead to good. Sooner or later, life will give a kick and then the choice remains with the adult “children” - either continue to whine and complain about fate, or take life into your own hands and take the path of growing up.

The world of adults: what it really is

Adult life is not the same as adolescence and childhood. Everything is much more serious here. After all, all responsibility for you lies not on the shoulders of your parents, relatives or friends, but on your own. If you are wondering: “How to grow up?” First you need to find out what adult life is like, how a fully formed person behaves.

A serious individual is not one who smokes, drinks alcohol and is sexually active, but one who lives separately from his parents and does not depend on them financially, that is, a person who completely provides for himself and does everything himself.

An adult can be easily recognized by what and how he says, what actions and deeds he performs. In his life there is no frequent giggling, like a teenager, and in the conversation there is no gossip and empty meaningless topics. He values his time, speaks to the point, and jokes only when it is appropriate.

Domestic and Western psychologists have also defined some criteria for psychological maturity:

responsibility for your actions and what is happening around you;
understanding of people, love and respect for them;
making rational, informed decisions;
the ability to properly contact the outside world;
ability to realize oneself in terms of profession;
the ability to withstand stress and various difficulties encountered along the path of life.

In addition to this, adults have rich life experience; their world is not chaotic, but more structured. They know where to go, what to do, what goals to set.

Effective ways to grow up

Growing up is hard work. After all, here you need to completely transform your personality, lifestyle and relationships with the outside world. Having done this, you will not recognize yourself - instead of a child in front of the mirror, you will see an adult.

One of the quotes from the popular Indian mystic Osho says that by taking life into your own hands, a person will be filled with energy and feel unprecedented changes.

There are many ways to grow up. But we will look at the five most effective of them.

1. Train yourself to set serious goals

If you want to enter adulthood, you simply need to learn how to set goals for yourself. They must be big. This could be mastering a new profession, improving your skills and talents, creating a happy family, achieving material well-being, and so on.

2. Be responsible for yourself and your actions

Adult life is not about toys. No one here will solve your problems for you. Only a child can hide from them and do nothing. You must understand that you must be responsible for yourself, your actions and what happens to him. Only by becoming responsible can you live a happy and successful life.

3. Be independent

It is very important to be independent. A developed personality can always take care of himself and others. Therefore, starting from the age of 18, you need to rely only on yourself, and not on other people. It is important to ensure that you can support yourself and do everything yourself, from choosing a university to making plans for the future.

4. Study your “I”

In adulthood, it is extremely important to accept yourself as you are and look inside yourself in order to carefully study your “I”. After all, only a child does not accept himself and does not understand what he really is. Studying your personality is a sober look at yourself, where all your strengths and weaknesses are visible. Seeing his weaknesses, an adult must destroy them or turn them into advantages.

Expanding your horizons (travelling, finding a new favorite activity, visiting exhibitions and various events), communicating and meeting new people will also help you thoroughly explore yourself.

5. Act like an adult

And another way to grow up is to act like an adult. How is this? Firstly, you need to learn to control your desires and those that are considered childish should be curbed and directed towards more mature goals.

It is also very important to say “No”. For example, if you are invited to a noisy party, and you plan to complete an urgent project that evening, then choose the second option. After all, it is he who will lead you to success, and not partying until the morning. And adults also take care of their appearance. They eat only healthy food, play sports, keep their skin and hair clean, and wear neat, more restrained clothes to work. In addition, you must always be open and honest, and only then will the doors to a successful future open for you.

Growing up may not happen right away; everything will happen with experience. Therefore, be patient and after a while you will achieve what you want.