What is the main determinant of happiness? The answer to this question, as you probably already know, is not wealth, fame, beauty or power. Our sense of happiness is determined by how other people, especially our loved ones - friends, family members, colleagues - treat us. When your loved ones treat you well, you simply cannot help but feel happy, but if they treat you poorly or avoid communicating with you, you are doomed to unhappiness.
The reason why our happiness depends largely on the quality of our relationships with others, is that people are primarily social beings. And if you look around, you can find a lot of evidence of this. It is very important for us to know what others think of us, and, as my own observations show, we are much more willing to agree to experience something unpleasant (for example, watching a bad movie) in the company of others who share our negative attitude towards it than to experience something pleasant (for example, watch a good movie) in the company of people who disagree with us. Our social nature also explains why falling in love with another person is the most precious experience of our lives and why isolation, the extreme form of which is solitary confinement, is considered by those who have experienced it to be the most severe test.
All this explains why it is so painfully difficult for us to communicate and interact with negative people - people who constantly spoil our mood with their pessimism, anxiety and mistrust. Imagine being constantly prevented from pursuing your dreams because “only a few succeed at it.” Or imagine being constantly discouraged from learning something new - like scuba diving or horse riding - because it's "too dangerous." Imagine constantly hearing negative statements about other people (for example, “I can’t believe you told your neighbors you failed your driving test—now they’ll never respect you!”) If you regularly experience this kind of negative influence, This can greatly affect your pool of positivity, which in turn will cause you to either join the ranks of negative people or become indifferent or even rude towards negative people in your environment.
How should you behave with negative people?
One obvious solution is to simply not communicate with them. But this is easier said than done. We can always easily stop talking to a grumpy bartender or an airline manager who has trouble managing his anger, but we can't just turn away and stop talking to our parents, siblings, spouses, coworkers, or friends.
A more practical approach to dealing with such people is to first try to understand the reasons for their negative attitude. In short, a negative attitude almost always has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: fear of being disrespected by others, fear of being unloved, and fear of something bad happening. These fears continuously feed each other, and as a result, a person gripped by them comes to the conclusion that “the world around us is very dangerous, and most people are bad.”
A person gripped by such fears finds it difficult to believe in the need to follow his dreams (after all, he is guaranteed to fail along this path) and take risks, even if this is necessary for personal growth and development. It is also easy to understand why people who are captive of these fears find it very difficult to trust others.
The fears that underlie a negative worldview manifest themselves in a wide variety of forms:
Vulnerability or a tendency to be offended by other people’s comments: for example, the phrase “you look great today” evokes an exclusively negative reaction: “So yesterday I looked bad?”
Categoricalism or the tendency to invest negative motivation in the completely innocent actions of other people: for example, guests who do not praise the hostess’s treat are regarded as “uncouth rude people who do not deserve invitations in the future.”
Self-doubt. We are talking about a feeling of helplessness, an inability to cope with the trials that we encounter along the path of life, which leads to severe anxiety when faced with such trials and to feelings of shame and guilt if a person avoids these trials.
Demanding: Although negative people feel acutely insecure about their own abilities, they often persistently demand special achievements from their loved ones so that “I can be proud of you.”
Pessimism or the tendency to believe that the future is bleak and hopeless. For example, negative people are much more willing to imagine how and why an important commercial visit might go wrong than vice versa.
Avoidance of risks, especially in matters of a social nature. This leads to a reluctance to disclose information that “could be used against me” and, as a result, boring conversations and superficial relationships.
The desire to control the behavior of other people, especially loved ones. For example, negative people make strict demands on how their children should eat, what kind of car they should buy, and so on.
It is worth noting that all of the above manifestations of negativity have one common feature, namely the tendency to blame external factors - other people, the environment or “luck” - rather than oneself and one’s negative attitude towards the world. Negative people often think, “If only people knew what I was capable of, if only people were kinder to me, if the world wasn’t full of dangers, and if only my friends, colleagues, and family treated me the way I should.” I would like that, I would be happy!”
At first glance, it may seem rather paradoxical that negative people experience self-doubt and at the same time consider themselves entitled to demand respect and love from others. It may also seem quite paradoxical that negatively minded people look with pessimism at their own future and at the same time demand success from others. However, in reality there is no paradox here. This happens because negative people do not feel respected and loved, do not feel that they themselves are able to control their lives, and therefore demand love and respect from others and strive to control everything around them.
If you look at negative people from this point of view, it becomes clear that their negativity is an almost undisguised cry for help. Of course, these people are not helping themselves by displaying their distress and desire to control everyone - they would be much more successful in trying to win love, respect and control if they realized that displaying their distress and desire to control everyone is doomed to failure. - however, the fact remains: negative people need help.
An obvious but ultimately counterproductive way to help these people is to give them the love, respect, and control they crave. However, this can be a very slippery slope because over time people adapt to new conditions, and soon those around them will be forced to show even more love, respect and give these people even more control in order to make them happy. In other words, by fulfilling their wishes, you may be creating a Frankenstein who will come back to haunt you with renewed vigor.
An alternative solution is to force negative people to find the sources of their negativity and understand that their negativity is more a reflection of their attitude towards the world than an objective state of affairs. Meanwhile, as I already wrote in my other article, people are rarely able to adequately respond to critical statements, and those who are negatively disposed most likely will not listen to them at all, let alone take them into account.
This leaves you with only three options. First, you can grit your teeth, face that negativity, and hope that the person standing in front of you will change someday. The second option is to try to find a professional counselor or mediator (for example, a mutual friend) and hope that the opinion of a “third party” will help the person understand that his negativity does not benefit anyone.
However, these two options most likely will not solve the underlying problem. In the first case, when you grit your teeth and hope that the negative person will eventually begin to perceive the world around him in a positive way, your passivity can serve as evidence that his negativity is justified. Over time, this will lead to growing and tightening demands on you and, if you are unable to meet these demands, to new complaints against you.
One of the arguments against the second option is that negatively-minded people often tend to avoid solving the problem, hiding behind indignation and the perceived injustice of the claims - “everyone around, even my best friends, is against me!” Even if a third party can show a negative person that his worldview is unproductive, this is unlikely to change the situation. This happens because recognizing the problem alone is not enough to solve it: this requires changing the subconscious thinking patterns that underlie negative worldviews.
This brings us to the third and, from my point of view, the most reasonable option for behavior in a society of negatively minded people. In short, this option involves three elements: empathy for the negative person, taking responsibility for your own happiness regardless of the negative attitude of your loved one, and maturity in your relationship with the negative person.
Empathy rarely, if ever, involves giving a negative person advice to change his or her behavior. It also completely eliminates reading lectures about the sources of their negativity. As I wrote above, most of us are not ready to listen to negative and critical statements - this is especially true for negatively minded people. It can be quite difficult for you not to react to such a person, especially if their negativity gets under your skin. However, remember that if you express everything to his face, this will not help solve the problem, but will only make it worse. It's also worth remembering that while you only have to deal with a negative person occasionally, they have to deal with themselves all the time! This thought can help you feel compassion for such a person.
The second element - taking responsibility for your own positive attitude - suggests that you should do everything possible to protect your own happiness. If you are unable to maintain a positive attitude and calmness, then all is lost. In one of my articles, I gave some tips on how you can take responsibility for your happiness. In short, this involves starting to think more positively about the world around you, but this may not be enough if you have to constantly deal with a stream of negativity: you may need regular breaks from and interaction with a negative person in order to remain calm. Of course, if you want to take regular breaks from him, you'll have to come up with a plausible explanation - you don't want your loved one to think that you're avoiding him.
The third element - maturity - implies an understanding that the most effective way to set such a person in a positive mood is to become the embodiment of a positive attitude. For example, blaming a negative person for making you see the world around you in dark colors will not help. Imagine the irony of telling someone to “stop blaming others for your negative worldview,” while blaming them for bringing you down.
How can you show your positive attitude towards the world in such a way as to force a negative person to adopt it, without stooping to lectures and moralizing?
To do this, you need to learn - as much as possible - to behave like a person who is absolutely safe. That is, to behave like a person whom other people love and respect and who controls all important aspects of the lives of those around him. This means: do not let the negativity of others interfere with your natural desire to make your dreams come true, do not be afraid to take justifiable risks, trust other people. However, you should not do all this just to annoy a negative person or prove to him that you are right. It is best to behave naturally, so that spontaneity, a positive attitude and trust in relation to other people become your integral features. Then, if a negative person allows himself to make a skeptical or cynical remark - and he will definitely make one - take the opportunity to explain to him why you act the way you do and not otherwise.
For example, if such a person warns you that your pursuit of a dream is pointless, let him know that you perceive your chances of success differently, or tell him that you would rather try and fail than give up on your dream altogether. If a negative person warns you of the disastrous consequences of taking what you consider a justifiable risk, respond calmly: “Well, we’ll see what happens.” Let's hope that as a result of this risky venture you will not incur any losses and gain new valuable experience. Over time, the negative person will have to accept that although you are much more risk-averse, you are not reckless. Finally, if a negative person chastises you for trusting people too much, ask him to remind you of times when others took advantage of your trust to your detriment. (Let's hope there were very few or no such cases, because if not, the negative person may be right in saying that you are overly trusting.) You can also feel free to point to research findings: to form lasting and deep relationships , you need to trust your loved ones. (Let's hope that you can boast of a closer friendship than your interlocutor, who perceives the world around him in a negative way.)
Although it may take you a long time to see any results, eventually they will appear. Change will happen at an extremely slow pace, but once it happens, it will stick for a long time. The truth is that people enjoy being around positive people, so even a negative person will sooner or later appreciate your positive attitude towards the world. People also really like to experience positive emotions. Therefore, if a negative person absorbs your positivity in your presence, at some point he will begin to value himself more, and this in turn will lead to the fact that he will begin to trust others more and look into the future with greater optimism.
As you've probably realized by now, dealing with negative people requires humility. The fact that you find it difficult to overcome others' negativity proves that you have seeds of negativity within yourself. If you didn't feel drained by the negativity of others - if you had absolute confidence in yourself - you wouldn't find the company of negative people so repulsive. Understanding that you need to work on yourself to cope with your own negativity, while helping others in their struggles with a negative outlook, will help you gain the ability to empathize, think positively, and the maturity necessary to carry out this difficult but a very necessary task.
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I hate the phrase: “I feel sorry for you!” For the most part, this phrase hides: “You disgusting, pathetic bastard! I’m right and D’Artagnan, you’re wasting your life in vain, and not a single decent person in an open field will sit down with you!” Pity is a fairly negative feeling. Awkward, painful, in which there is nothing good. There is really no point in feeling sorry for anyone; it automatically lowers the victim to the level of the plinth, and elevates the one who feels sorry to the stars. You can sympathize, you can be angry, you can be perplexed, but you shouldn’t feel sorry for someone, like women who leave a discussion with the constant “I’m very sorry for you.”
A miserable person is often unhappy. If , then misfortune definitely exists. Miserable people are unhappy for a long time, but they are not only happy with this, but seem to float in their musty swamp. One gets the feeling that they hate their lives even more than the lives of the people around them. Pathetic people do exist, but I would like to believe that there are not as many of them as it seems. In any case, what makes them insignificant?
1. They love to find the bad side of everything.
Damn it, they look for flaws everywhere. My wife recently told me that she has a friend who generally cannot help but find faults in other people. This one's waist is too wide, her butt is saggy, and her third chin is growing. Even in people who look pretty good, she will find some extremely perverted flaw in the form of imperfections in the oval of the face or similar crap. If they don't see flaws in other people, they always see it in a situation. “It will only get worse!”, “Drop this topic!” and similar statements are extremely frequent among these comrades. HE looks at the world in exclusively gray tones. Of course, there are bad people in the world, and there are good ones, but you cannot think that the whole world is black and white, even without the most insignificant shade of gray.
They see the bad in any situation, they constantly whine, they want to put a bag over their head and strangle them, like in the game Manhunt.
2. They hate their friends and those who treat them well.
It is unknown what causes some people to love and respect you, as well as hate. If you seriously think that people treat you the same way you treat them, you are mistaken. Often some comrades sympathize with us literally out of nowhere. Disrespect is a bad thing. Pathetic people hate their friends. Often they choose unhappy people as friends, people with shortcomings and more or less normal people in order to pick their brains. Often, pathetic girls choose ugly girlfriends for themselves in order to look better against their background. This is what some young men do, to my great shame. There are those who greatly influence the brains of some of their comrades, poisoning their lives. They are not even friends with people, but feel sorry for each other.
3. They constantly escape reality and spend a huge amount of time on dubious entertainment.
Do you remember the article about? These guys have either entered this slippery slope or are already on it. - this is vital. But these guys choose extremely destructive and simply useless methods. Playing computer games and watching TV series is normal. Playing MMORPGs all day and night and watching some endless anime is a pointless waste of time. It's one thing when you've done something like this a few times, but if you do it all year round, it's bad. Drinking, taking drugs and eating is also doubtful.
There are more pleasant ways to escape reality, this is one of them.
4. They hate getting up in the morning... seriously.
Every person says that they hate getting up in the morning and going somewhere. Most often, this is a routine complaint that it is simply difficult for him to get up. This person finds it physically difficult to get up, which is tantamount to pain when urinating. He can delay the moment when he needs to lift his head from the pillow many times and is extremely often late. The inconvenience of having to get up does not compare with the ordinary human desire to sleep more. He hates life, hates his job and hates the world around him, which has not done anything bad to him.
5. They roll their lips and quarrel with those close to them for any reason.
And they certainly leave completely, slamming the door. Often these people began relationships literally with the first person they met. They met, she expressed interest, and he began dating her without much sympathy, because “he doesn’t have a second chance.” Since they do not and cannot have strong sympathy, a pathetic person can break up with her for any suitable reason, so that later he can suffer to his heart’s content and receive his portion of pity. Did she say something wrong, did something wrong, did she play the music too loud? A pitiful person is not able to forgive, if only because he simply does not want to. But this happens not only because pitiful people want pity. Often they react inappropriately because they absolutely cannot forgive any inconvenience for the sake of at least someone.
6. They point out flaws directly.
Pathetic people love to bring others down to their level, usually by pointing out whatever flaws they find. By this they show that every person is unattractive and more pathetic than them. They consider themselves not so pathetic, so they don’t like others finding their shortcomings. If you ask them why they are doing this, they will be genuinely surprised and will insist that it is normal and that they want to help.
But they know what they're doing. They want to see your reaction to see how your mood worsens. But everything will be fine for them.
Pathetic people want to believe and make the world truly ugly as they see it, so they diligently remember and point out the shortcomings of others. Then they wait for someone to agree with it, confirming their belief that it really is as ugly and terrible as they believe.
7. They don't like themselves, but they still think they're better than others.
Strange confidence, huh? Miserable people are unhappy, first of all, because they don’t like very much about themselves. This puts a fair amount of pressure on their fragile minds, regardless of whether they have these shortcomings or not.
The shortcomings they see may actually exist, but they believe that the presence of other shortcomings is enough for them to be better than others and continue not to change anything. They don't like themselves, but they are driven to keep themselves at the top of the food chain.
What do they get as a result? I believe they are pieces of crap, but they are the best pieces of crap on the planet. Some people seriously think that these people are honest with themselves and other people by admitting their shortcomings, but in fact, they are categorically dishonest with themselves.
Why do most of us feel so bad when by all indications it should be good?
If there were a good wizard somewhere, I would ask him to reveal to people the biggest secret in the world: why is it so bad for most of us, when by all indications it should be good? Most of us have a job or other source of regular income, a place to live, what to eat, what to drink, what to wear, where to have fun. It would seem, live and rejoice, enjoy this existence! No! Everywhere you look, there is disorder, enmity, discord, splits, oppressive loneliness. There is hardly a person in Russia who would not have any sorrows, problems, or unpleasant worries at all.
A disease called "bad life"
Why is there so much grief, pain, suffering in our world, a world designed to be beautiful? Someone will answer me: the problem is in bad rulers, politicians who think only about their own pockets, in general corruption, in harmful bosses who suck the “blood” of their subordinates, in worthless neighbors and acquaintances who dream and see how to harm us . The big problem is in the wife (husband), who does not want to live up to my idea of an ideal woman (man), in the children who do not want to listen to my advice or orders, in the parents who are “morally outdated” and, not understanding anything about the “current moment in history,” they climb in with their instructions.
So, one of the main causes of the disease called “life is bad,” in my opinion, is chronic dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. Even against the backdrop of external prosperity, we find reasons to be dissatisfied. First of all, of course, those who are dissatisfied with their loved ones and relatives. Nitpicking, quarrels, conflicts, leaving the mother, and finally, the catastrophe of divorce are the consequences of the syndrome of chronic discontent. Many people go to work as if it’s hard labor because they constantly experience negative emotions in all areas: the content of the work, its conditions and amount of pay, colleagues, bosses, subordinates.
What is behind the discontent that pretty much poisons our lives? And is it possible to become truly happy, full of life and always joyful? Is it possible to be happy with everything? Let's talk about this.
The Spiritual Nature of Discontent
It seems that dissatisfaction is fueled by selfishness, a high opinion of oneself, . A proud person who loves himself to the extreme, who thinks highly of himself, places himself as the measure of everything. Myself! He is the center of the universe, he is an expert on life, he is an infallible judge. It is, of course, human nature to love oneself, to consider oneself an authority, and to forgive oneself mistakes, shortcomings and sins. But the problem is different: a person considers his opinion, his views, his assessments to be the only correct ones. He trusts himself one hundred percent! He can't be wrong! He is always right! This means that he knows how everything in this world should be, how others should treat him, how life should be built.
Accordingly, dissatisfaction with anyone or anything arises whenever the actions of other people run counter to the ideal model of the world that a person has come up with for himself.
For example, I consider it normal that when I come home in the evening, I can count on my wife, who came home before me, to cook dinner. And then it turns out that she was carried away by an interesting TV show and did not prepare dinner. A legitimate reason for dissatisfaction and grumbling? Well, of course! What a legal one, without any alternatives! Why? Because I know for sure that the wife MUST do this and not otherwise. And if such “tricks” on her part happen regularly, I will begin to think - should I change my wife?
The wife can also “harass” her husband with nagging and whining, because he has a small child, no prospects for career growth, they still cannot buy a car, and he is also a bad housekeeper, devotes little time to the child, etc. etc. Why is this so? Because in the ideal world invented by the wife, the husband must correspond to the famous song: “So that he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and always gives flowers, so that he gives away his salary, calls his mother-in-law mother, is indifferent to football, and is not boring in company, and besides so that he is both handsome and smart.”
Or at work: a picky boss who rather harshly demands strict performance of functional duties, shouts, threatens, harasses, etc.... I would leave if I had somewhere to go. But you have to clench yourself into a fist and endure. At least he pays money for the work.
We want to change others, and when this fails, we become angry, indignant, and upset.
Familiar pictures? I think for many of us - yes, acquaintances. We want to change the world for the better, but according to the model that we ourselves consider the best. We want to change others, to adapt them to ourselves, and when this fails, we get angry, indignant, and upset. What kind of happiness is there? What joy? One displeasure.
What to do? The answer suggests itself: you don’t need to change the world to suit you, but you need to change yourself to suit the world. Do not try to adapt others to yourself, but adapt yourself to others - first of all, to the closest, dearest people. However, this is possible if the measure of the “correctness” of the world and people around us is not me, who is not without shortcomings, but Someone Else. Absolute ideal, without the slightest spot. And we have such an ideal. This is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
You need to turn your life around
Our Lord Jesus Christ took on human flesh and became the same as us, a man, except for sin. There was and is no sin in Him. Through His entire earthly life, His teaching, and finally, His suffering and death on the cross, which He undertook out of love for His creatures, He testified for all the centuries to come to the great truth: one can become like, come closer to God only through self-denial, through sacrifice, through love. . Christ is an example to follow for all who want to find happiness both in this short-term earthly life and in the afterlife, eternal.
Why is a person who loves Christ satisfied with his life?
Why is a true believer who loves Christ happy with his life? Because he sees the image of God in the people around him, he sees Christ, Who is love, peace, joy, bliss. The believer sees Christ in every person, no matter how outwardly evil he may be. A believer measures the world around him not by himself, but by God, Who commanded to love everyone, even enemies, forgive any offenses, not hold a grudge against anyone, but seek peace, tranquility and joy everywhere. And if a Christian doesn’t like something, he doesn’t complain or get irritated, showing humility without grumbling or discontent.
Why does a person need this? Yes, because he wants to become like his heavenly Teacher and Father, who said: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest; take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls; for My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
To find real happiness, you need to learn meekness and humility from Christ
It's simple! To find real happiness, joy - in the word of Christ, “peace” - you need to learn from Him meekness and. If we succeed, dissatisfaction with others will simply disappear from our lives.
True faith turns many things in our lives 180 degrees.
Were we intolerant of the misdeeds of others and forgiving ourselves of our own spiritual ailments? Faith makes us intolerant of our sins and encourages us to forgive the sins of our neighbors.
We were in constant dissatisfaction - with other people, salary, politics, bosses, our fate? But have we always been satisfied with ourselves? Faith reveals to us the truth about ourselves: it turns out that we are far from perfect. Faith teaches us to be dissatisfied with ourselves, with our rotten words, actions and thoughts - this is the only path to reconciliation with everyone, the path to which Christ calls us.
“Too tired”?
A person, having found Christ, finds a source of endless joy. Only one who has fallen to the Savior with his whole being can understand the words: “Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks in everything” (1 Thess. 5:16-18). You cannot rejoice if you feel dissatisfaction or hostility towards someone or something. Everything needs to be covered - the shortcomings, weaknesses, sins of other people - with love. This is the way of Christ. Moreover, the path to real joy and happiness. Why? Yes, because through forgiveness and love for everyone, peace, tranquility, and silence are established in a person’s soul. The source of this peace is a clear conscience.
A person striving for salvation is a peace-lover and a peacemaker
A believer, a person striving for salvation, is a lover of peace and a peacemaker. He must sow peace and love everywhere around him, wasting the warmth of his heart on the reconciliation of those at war, the unification of those who are divided, and the establishment of understanding among the irreconcilable. This is difficult at first, because the devil strongly resists, but then it becomes easier and easier, as the Lord helps.
The Lord Himself wants us to be just so happy. After all, He is our Father. How can the Father not want good for His children? Only we, being free, decide for ourselves whether we want to be happy or seek “happiness” in attempts to change others according to our “patterns”. But these attempts are always associated with bitter tension and displeasure. It happens that a person spends his entire life in the sorrows of chronic discontent, in grumbling and irritation. That's why his life is bad. It happens that when a grumpy woman dies, her acquaintances say about her: “She was exhausted.” It seems that now there, in Heaven, she will definitely live happily ever after. How, with her suffering, she deserved eternal peace!
It seems like a big mistake to consider a blissful eternity beyond the grave as a reward for sorrow and suffering in this earthly life. Of course, if outwardly a person’s life was sorrowful, but inside he found Christ, became close to Him and endured all the misfortunes sent down with steadfastness, with hope for God’s help, then, of course, eternal joy can await him in the Other World. But if a person’s sorrowful life has become a direct result of the chaos in his soul, his irreconcilable rejection of God, his belief in his own exclusive infallibility, then even there he is unlikely to calm down, that is, to rest in peace.
Joy, I am sure, begins to be acquired here on earth. The only path to this joy is the path of ascension to Christ, by whom the entire world around us is measured and by whom alone we acquire a complacent, full of love, attitude towards everyone who meets on our life’s path...
