I don't want to grow up. Delayed maturation or Peter Pan syndrome

Question to a psychologist

Hello, I don't know what's happening to me.
The fact is that since I was 14-15 years old I have been looking at small children from 3 to 11 years old and I really want to go back to my childhood. Because of these thoughts that I will never become a little girl again, I feel terribly bad and I become depressed and cry. Very soon I will turn 16 years old... just thinking about this number makes me shiver.
After all, from the age of 16 you can marry your husband, drink alcohol with the written permission of your parents, have sexual intercourse and be almost independent!!! I UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO DO ALL THIS, but because of the thought that I will soon be able to do everything, I become DISGUSTING and sad...
And it also infuriates me that GROWN men sometimes look at me like I’m a sex object.
..okay, only my peers...BUT SCARY OLD MEN(((((
I look my age (15 years old), slim and my breasts are not large.
And I had a very cool childhood, of course, my family is prosperous... I even have a dog.

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Olesya!

An adult differs from a child in that he bears full responsibility for himself, for his life. Very soon you will have to be completely responsible for yourself and your decisions, and this causes you fear. This is why you want to return to childhood, because there you don’t have to answer for anything, because... parents do it. They are also responsible for all decisions they make.

You should work with your fear, on your own or with the help of a psychologist. Look where you already take responsibility? If you have a dog, who is responsible for it? Where could you take responsibility, but adults take it over? And where would they like to give it to you, but you don’t take it? Perhaps your parents are very protective of you now. Start taking more responsibility in small things, then it will be easier for you to make big decisions.

Of course, it is better to discuss these questions with a psychologist, then growing up will not cause resistance in you, and you will be able to accept it. what is happening to you.

If possible, please contact us. I work with teenagers.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg

They have already written to you about responsibility like Olin, one of the signs of adulthood!

And your responsibility is to be able to make a choice: to drink or not to drink, to have sex or not, to catch your eyes

SCARY OLD MEN(((((

or pay attention to the young men you like, whether to be dependent on fears (far-fetched) or to live in peace with YOURSELF...

Life goes forward, no matter how much you resist it :)!

you write

I had a very cool childhood,

when did this feeling of class end? After what or during what?

Sincerely, Vera Leonidovna (Moscow, Orekhovo-Zuevo and its environs)

And indeed, before, 17-year-olds used to go to the front, run workshops, fulfill Stakhanov’s standards, but now they are unable to tear their butts away from their laptops. Today's children (let's make a reservation: not all of them, of course), as far as possible, are trying to delay growing up, namely, the ability to plan their lives, be responsible for their actions, and rely on their own strengths. “Are they so comfortable?” - we asked the specialist.

The problem really exists, says clinical psychologist Anna Golota. - The extension of adolescence coincided with changes in social norms and an increase in living standards. Previously, “growing up” was inevitable and forced: if you don’t move, you will die of hunger in the literal or figurative sense of the word. Today, a child’s basic needs are largely satisfied, so he does not need to go to work in a factory after the 7th grade to feed himself. What should parents do?

Properly develop independence

Have you noticed that your child is interested in something? Support his impulse, share the pleasure of the process, encourage and approve the result, help if necessary (not instead of him, but with him). The first skills to connect two actions in a chain and achieve results are trained between the ages of 2 and 4 years. A child can only gain the necessary experience by doing something with his hands. Therefore, for those children who grow up in apartments where everything is prohibited, but where you can only watch cartoons and hold a tablet, these skills do not develop, and later this deficit is transferred to school (on a mental level). Children growing up in a village or private home, who are allowed to run a lot at an early age, climb trees, jump into puddles, and water plants, gain excellent activity skills. They will also be willing to lay out plates in the kitchen, sweep the floors, and do their homework.

• If your daughter approaches the test with the question “Mom, can I try?”, there is no need to scare her away with the words “Don’t touch, you’ll get dirty!” Turn off the boiling oil, mold a pie together, fry it and treat it to dad. And don't forget to praise!

Live with pleasure and monitor your mood

If the mother is always tired, twitchy, dissatisfied, does household chores with groans, “I’m so tired of you all,” goes to work like it’s hard labor and at home only complains about how bad everything is there, there can be no talk of any education of independence. The child will in every possible way avoid such “adultness” and simply imitate your behavior. Another type is “Everyone owes me.” The parent himself is used to receiving pleasure only from passive consumption, does not value work, or works forcedly, envying those who have a good job. The child will also imitate such values, even if they were not voiced to him out loud.

• Dad, no, no, and will tell the child (half jokingly, half seriously): “You won’t make a president, you should have been born the president’s son.” Or: “Remember, son, choose a rich bride, with a dowry, so that you spend less time at work.” Do you think these phrases will inspire him?

You will pass everything: how to instill this in a child

• More details

Realize that life has changed

Over the past 50 years, society has become more tolerant of people whose behavior and values ​​differ from generally accepted norms. Feminism, childfree, LGBT communities, etc. have appeared. So, general liberalization, the rejection of punitive pedagogy, and a humane attitude towards dependents also leads to the fact that some young people choose this lifestyle. Currently, we cannot force our children to want to live the way we do.

• The daughter dreams of conquering the world's modeling catwalks, spending hours studying glossy magazines. Don't spoil her baldness with endless lectures! Most likely, she is not close to the role model of a gentle and caring mother of the family.

Be an example

And yet, if you want to raise tenderness, kindness, and complaisance in your daughter, become an example of these virtues from today. A healthy marital relationship is what you can give to your child as a dowry. And then he himself, as he can and wants.

• Whatever children want to become - a gamer, a fashion model or a volunteer in Africa - support their choice. And remember that traditional role models do not protect against problems. “Real men” are more likely than others to die from heart attacks and strokes, and gentle and caring women are more likely to become victims of a tyrant.

Get rid of overprotection

The independence in everyday life that you managed to cultivate in a teenager will become clear when you (conditionally) are not around. In the presence of parents, the child will automatically behave more childishly. Therefore, distance yourself more often and control yourself when an irresistible desire arises to polish the shoes of your “beloved son.” It is important to learn to share boundaries with grown children.

• The girl reluctantly cleans up the room, earning the title of slob from her parents. And having started living with a young man separately from his parents, he enjoys cleaning and mastering cooking. The young father eagerly helps swaddle the baby, gets up to see him at night, but as soon as his mother comes to “help with the baby,” he immediately wilts and goes to bed in front of the TV. Sound familiar?

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Consider the state of the nervous system

Recently, the number of children with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) has been increasing. Such children are disorganized, impulsive, and restless. It is difficult for them to plan current actions, let alone life plans or choice of profession. Carrying out any activity related to achievements will cause them increased emotional tension and stress. He will avoid difficult situations for the sake of self-preservation.

• The son, after studying for two years, quits music school because of his mother’s reaction to the bad marks in his diary. To the question “Don’t you love the guitar?” replies: “I love you, but I don’t want scandals.”

“I never really wanted to get married. I'm interested in relationships, I love children. But I don’t want to start a family or have my own kids yet. I have my own apartment, but I decided that living with my cool, non-conflict and versatile parents is much better and more fun. We run the household together, contribute equally to the family, and help each other. When I changed my job to one that was not tied to an office chair, it was as if my wings grew: I began to travel a lot, met interesting people, and people were always waiting for me at home.

It seems like age, I need to get married, have children, master new roles... But I don’t want to at all. I want to enjoy life in my own way, study, travel... And I’m always drawn to my parents, it’s always good there, there’s no need to break yourself. Tell me, should I or my parents worry that I’m stuck in the past?” Lena, 34 years old.

We will answer Lenin’s question a little later, but for now let’s talk about childhood in general. And at the same time we will find out why our childhood began to last longer?
Childhood is one of the difficult stages of development: during this time we acquire a million skills and knowledge, we enjoy every little thing and experience time in a completely different way (pleasant moments stretch out for a long time).

But everything in our world is changing. Including the periodization of development.

Let's see what childhood looked like in different eras.

French historian Philippe Aries conducted research on the fine arts of the Middle Ages. He was interested in “how, in the course of history, the concept of childhood developed in the minds of artists, writers and scientists and how it differed in different historical eras.” He managed to find out that until the 13th century, childhood was practically not depicted in paintings. Child images were found only in religious paintings in the form of angels and the baby Jesus. Real children were not depicted. Obviously, they were not considered individuals. If there were children in the paintings, they looked like miniature adults. And in medieval Germany, the word “child” was generally considered synonymous with the word “fool.” In a word, the concept of childhood was of little value. And only in the 17th century, portraits of real children began to appear on the canvases of artists, so far only of the upper strata of society.

Separately, Aries studied the children's clothing. In the Middle Ages, as soon as a child crawled out of swaddling clothes, he was immediately dressed in a small copy of the costume of an adult of the corresponding social status. In paintings of the 16th–17th centuries, children's clothing appears, differing from adult clothing. But in peasant families, adults and children dressed the same.

F. Aries writes: “The formation of a children’s costume has become an external manifestation of deep internal changes in attitudes towards children in society - now they are beginning to occupy an important place in the lives of adults.”

Let's talk about studying. Ordinary people in the Middle Ages did not teach their children, until they were about 6 years old, anything special, because at any moment the child could die. Infant mortality until the 14th century reached 30–35%. Only after the plague epidemic did medicine improve and people began to pay more attention to hygiene.

Children grew up quickly at that time. At 6–7 years old they were taught the basic skills of their parents. At 10–11, they were given apprenticeships, at 13–14, “children” were already working at the adult level, and at 17–18, they sought to separate from their relatives and start their own family.

Education in wealthy families began earlier - from 2-3 years. F. Aries gives the example of the childhood activities of Louis XIII (early 17th century). At the age of one and a half he was singing and playing the violin. When he was 3 years old, he took part in the celebration of Christmas in 1604, at the same age he learned to read, and at 4 - to write. At the age of 6, he played chess and tennis well, and solved riddles and charades. At the age of 7, his childhood came to an abrupt end. He changed into adult clothes and began to study hunting, shooting, horse riding, and attend theater and group games with adults.

By the way, noble people, as well as peasants, believed that at the age of 17 it was time to say goodbye to childhood fun and become responsible, serious people.

Many people lived according to this scenario for hundreds of years - they were born, played, studied, created families, grew old and died. In the 20th century, everything changed dramatically - wars, revolutions, social protests, technological and economic innovations... All this fell on people unexpectedly and primarily affected fragile minds, growing children.

Before we knew it, all the “interesting things” began to grow exponentially - new professions, advanced training courses, self-development courses, courses for mastering various skills, rapidly developing infrastructure, the possibility of travel, the Internet as a source of any knowledge at any time! And how many people from different countries have the opportunity to meet, correspond, visit, learn traditions, national cuisine! As my friend says: “There are so many interesting things now - you don’t know what to grab onto. But before, a decent girl had nowhere to go except to get married.”

All these innovations lead to the fact that the desire to start a family fades into the background. Grown-up children do not immediately strive to follow the path of their parents, but look for themselves, study more and longer, travel, and even working children do not all want to move away from their parents - it is convenient and profitable.

Why else has it become difficult for us to grow up?

Means of labor. Psychologist D. B. Elkonin believes: “Childhood is the impossibility of including a child in the system of social reproduction.” For example, in remote African tribes, children are included in everyday life early. Two-year-old kids already know how to keep a fire going and take care of their little brothers and sisters. Our children have to master more skills, and therefore nature stretches the time for learning.

Physiology of the brain. Brain MRI data and psychological studies show that the process of brain maturation is indeed slowing down. For many young people, some areas work longer than those of their peers born earlier. These are the so-called areas of youth, responsible for quick decision-making, adventurism, and good adaptation.

By the way, have you noticed that middle-aged people who love to study, teach, and love to travel look better than their peers? For example, I know one 60-year-old teacher. You can't give him his age

Knows several languages, travels, teaches in Russia, Bulgaria and South Korea. And he will tell you so many interesting things if you find yourself at the same table with him! Sometimes he reminds me of a student adventurer who can handle all mountains.

Hormones. Many scientists prove that the production of age-related hormones in humans of the 21st century has extended over time. So much so that for many now the formation of the body ends not by 17–18 years, but by 21, or even 25 years. And there is no violation in this. All this is evolution.

It’s time to answer the main question of the letter: “Should I worry that I’m stuck in the past?”

Of course not. If you and your parents are comfortable, if you live a full, rich life and you have enough psychologically, then there is no point in worrying. Now age periods are lengthening - this is an ordinary law of evolution. After all, you can't argue with nature. And you still have time to meet your destiny. And when you want to start a family, you will feel it. On our own and without advisors.

Childhood and adolescence in itself are not something bad or worthy of condemnation. Problems begin when a person’s behavior is inappropriate for his age and prevents him from living a full life. This happens when you get stuck at an earlier age for some reason.

Let me give you an exaggerated example: an adult man is conducting serious negotiations that require him to be tough and able to defend his interests. But suddenly a childish reaction turns on, to seek help and protection from an adult and strong person, to hide from problems or to cry. Yes, outwardly he can speak quite confidently and try to crush his interlocutor with his loud voice or threats. But inside at this moment there is a little boy sitting who shouts: “Uncle, stop offending me! Now dad will come and show you all!”

But dad doesn’t come, and the negotiations fail because the children don’t know how to communicate constructively and look for solutions that benefit everyone. Their strategy is to scream, cry, stomp their feet and try to get their way. In adult life, this is more often a hindrance than any benefit. But an infantile person doesn’t know any other way. At some point, he learned this way of behavior and used it successfully, but when conditions changed, he was unable to adapt.

It follows that the most important sign of infantilism is the inability to cope with adult life situations. The feeling that you are helpless and small, while others are adults and strong. It is useless to fight this feeling, but you can learn to cope. Regular work with a psychologist will help with this best, but there are also many techniques that you can do on your own. In this article I have collected the most effective, in my opinion.

1. Being a child is beneficial.

The first thing you need to understand is that you need a state of childish joy. Your inner child makes you capable of spontaneity, silliness, and good-natured madness. Without them, you risk quickly aging and losing the joy of life.

But if at the same time your inner adult does not know how to plan the future, make decisions, take responsibility and achieve your goals, you definitely need to grow up. To do this, realize the benefits that you receive from your infantilism. Perhaps this is how you protect yourself from feelings of guilt if something doesn’t work out for you, and avoid pain, disappointment and life’s mistakes. After all, a child’s world is life in tomorrow, with the thought “that’s when I grow up..”. What do you gain by postponing adulthood?

By realizing that the state of childhood can be beneficial to you, you will go halfway from infantility to maturity. Then you can just observe for some time how this manifests itself in your life and when you behave like a child. Observation is a long process and requires patience and attention. But with enough persistence, change for the better is inevitable. Especially if you record in your diary how your behavior and thinking changes.

2. Nurture your inner child.

If you realize that you are stuck at a certain age, you can grow this ungrown part of yourself. To do this, you need to imagine yourself as a little child every night before going to bed and ask what he wants and how he is doing in general. Here is an important point - how old are you when you imagine yourself as a child? Ask yourself, what was it about that age that made him stuck like Peter Pan?

Maybe you missed something very important? Give it to him in your imagination, or better yet, in real life. Perhaps someone offended him or for the first time he felt helpless in the world of adults? Comfort him, hug him and tell him that you will always protect him and that he is safe with you. If he lacked some joys, make up for it. Perhaps you should even buy yourself a toy that you really wanted as a child or eat a whole box of chocolates alone. The main thing is to hear him and give him exactly what he needs.

You need to communicate with your inner child every evening until he reaches your age. You will be surprised, but he will grow up simply because you give him attention and satisfy his needs. Recognize that he also has the right to his desires, that you love him and care about him.

3. Become a reliable protection for yourself.

What to do in a situation when you need to be an adult, enter into conflict and firmly defend your interests? Such situations are beyond the control of a child, but children do not have to cope with them: children are not taken to war. So imagine that you simply put your inner child aside for a while and the adult part of you comes into play.

You can take some object that will symbolize it: a soft toy, for example, and physically push it aside. Or do it mentally. This way you will not only protect your vulnerable child part, but also give confidence to your adult self, help yourself believe that you are able to stand up for yourself and that you are truly an accomplished adult.

Of course, it’s great to be able to be carefree and enjoy life at any age, but this has nothing to do with infantilism. To summarize all of the above, it turns out that being stuck in childhood is often the result of some kind of trauma and fear of real life, which can be dealt with with the help of these exercises. And yet, I want to remind you once again that the phrase “you’re small” does not mean “you’re bad.”

On the one hand, life is, of course, to some extent luck, because the probability of the birth of a specific person (that is, me, for example) is very small from the point of view of probability theory.
On the other hand, I think that I might not exist, and that would be good. It’s easier in childhood: you create a fantasy world, hope for a bright future, although life is no longer easy. You grow up - and that’s it, emptiness.
Almost everything I loved, that filled my life with any joy, was gone. I understand that I am already an adult girl, but I don’t want to be an adult, I don’t want to decide anything. I don't like this world, these people. In my childhood and youth I had no friends, I spent a lot of time in fantasies and walks alone. And now I can’t even fantasize - everything has gone somewhere.
I don't understand why live like this. Life, loved ones - is this really happiness or what? Seriously? As a child, I had my own home, a job, a lot of friends - and for this I didn’t even have to get out of bed. You know how children love to fantasize.
And now I'm an adult, and I OWE everyone. Because I was fed and raised, I must build a life, I must study, I must work.
Which one, excuse me? Did I ask to be born? Why should I be happy to do something, even for my own good? I didn’t ask for this life, especially since every year it becomes duller, duller, more dull.

I have no friends, no love. I fell in love only once and unrequitedly. Nobody pays any attention to me at all - because I’m a gray beech, and I’m not going to change. I don't need any attention.
My favorite pastime in the company of people is to merge with the surrounding environment, so that if I take part in what is happening, it is only from the side of an observer.

There could be an option to go work with children, like going back to childhood, they are such dreamers and funny people. I just can’t stomach children. Even as a child, I almost always spent time alone.

I don’t want to grow up, I don’t want to spend my dull adult life: work, pension, coffin. I can’t even enjoy simple things anymore... It seems to me that I’m fading like a rag with time.
Previously, I could at least be happy about something, now the joy is more routine than real. I no longer have any idea who I am and why I was brought here into this life. I've been thinking about suicide since I was 13. Apparently, even then it began to dawn on me that it would only get worse. And so it happened.
Support the site:

infantile h, age: 19/16.09.2015

Responses:

No, it seems to me that you are not thinking quite correctly. Now you don’t owe everyone, but no one owes you anything. Until a certain age, the mother carries the child in her arms, then he begins to walk. His ideas about the world expand. Then mom lets go of her hand and he goes on his own. We cannot remain in an infantile state all our lives, although sometimes we want to.
Don't think that this is infantilism. What you are experiencing now is normal. Everyone goes through this. But there is no need to be afraid. Try to take the first step. Only by doing something, engaging in some kind of creativity, leaving our limits, do we begin to truly live. Any person receives joy from the results of his activities. And it could be anything.
There is something in the world to suit every taste. If you don't like to be in the public eye, don't like interacting with people a lot, this doesn't mean you won't be able to use your talents and enjoy what you do. You're probably just an introvert. So what's wrong with that? There are a lot of people who work online as freelancers. Most of them don't really like talking to people. But this does not mean that what they do is not necessary or interesting. Everyone has their own measure, their own rhythm of life. You just need to think about what is best for you to do and what will suit you best. I assure you, such classes exist.

Olya, age: 42 / 09/16/2015

Hello madam! Part of me understands you, I once had a successful life, but the thought came that life kindergarten - school - college - work - pension - coffin does not suit me... then there were problems, but the Lord is merciful and He helped me find the meaning of life and joy. The meaning of life is to learn to love God and neighbors and inherit the Kingdom of Heaven after death - eternal, joyful life with God, the Mother of God, angels and saints.
When you manage to serve God and people, your heart gains joy, but pride and selfishness lead to depression and despondency. Save your soul, seek God, and when you find and find joy, do not forget to pray for the sinful Sergius.

I wish you peace of mind, joy and love!

Sergiy, age: 40 / 09/17/2015

Very familiar. Keep yourself busy. Don't sit at home, don't let your thoughts enslave you. If you don't like children, that's your right. You need new emotions. Yes, it may not work out right away. Sport is physical exercise, get yourself so tired that you fall on the bed and think only about sleep. My grandmother always said that sadness and melancholy come from idleness. Good luck to you!

mimino, age: 27 / 09/17/2015

Hello! On the one hand, if everything suits you, then good, and there’s nothing more to talk about. On the other hand, you complain that life is boring, dull and dull, which means that something still doesn’t suit you. Why don’t you want to try to change if everything is so sad? At least start with a smile. As in the children's song, remember: “A smile will make everyone brighter, a smile will wake up a rainbow in the sky, share your smile, and it will come back to you more than once...” Find your calling, it can’t be something you don’t like absolutely Nothing. Childhood has its own fun, youth has its own, and adulthood has its own joy. In order to find your place in life, you need to try, strive, and learn. Don't forget about your instincts. When you find something you like, you will immediately understand that it is yours. Try to go to monasteries, look around, even live, the places there are secluded, quiet, humble. Maybe this is just what you need? Or, on the contrary, choose the opposite direction, so that you are always in the center of attention, in case you have hidden talents, help them to reveal themselves. Don't be lazy! After all, you were already born, and you simply won’t fit back into your mother’s tummy!

Irina, age: 27 / 09/17/2015

Girl, you write well, maybe you should go into journalism? Or try to become a writer. Why not? Then your fantasy world will find its application, and you will have to have minimal contact with people. You know, I understand you perfectly well, I wanted absolutely nothing at your age, I was too lazy to develop myself, to strive for something, I had few friends, people were annoying, but life flies by instantly, and now at 34 I reproach myself for missed opportunities.. .don't repeat my mistake. And now my brain would be that of nineteen-year-old me... alas.

Vottakto, age: 34 / 09/17/2015