I don't know how to refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually all my attempts to politely refuse without offending the person end either in offense or in the phrase “okay, I’ll see what I can do.” The most extreme case - This . I don’t know if deception is small, for good, or half true. This is an even more difficult question.
Constantly deceive - not a very good solution, which in the end will still lead to conflict, since you will be completely confused and lie.
How to refuse your boss who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives without them being offended? How can you let your friends know that you can't help them at the moment?
In fact, there are a huge number of options, we just don’t know about them.
Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now
With the phrase “this sounds very tempting,” you let the person know that his offer interests you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.
It’s a nice refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives it’s only suitable once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other entertainment events.
Remember once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. What if you like it?
But for people you don’t see very often, this answer is perfect.
I'm very sorry, but when was the last time I did such and such, I had a negative experience
Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do something he doesn’t like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time is better?!”
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” don’t work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you couldn’t be in society for the whole day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”
I would love to, but...
Another good way to refuse. You would love to help, but, unfortunately, you can’t at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.
Firstly, when you start explaining something in detail, you gradually begin to feel yourself. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to latch on to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic “I would love to, but you understand, I need to do...”.
To be honest, I don't know much about this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this
This is by no means a switch.
If you've been asked to do something or give advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? This way you will not only not offend the person, but also show that you care and are trying to help as much as you can.
I can't do this, but I'll be happy to help with...
On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - Still, you help and at the same time choose what you want to do.
You look great, but I don't quite understand it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: “who is more friend” - the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
What if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the arrows on some celebrity from the world.
This sounds great! But, unfortunately, I have a very busy schedule now. Let me call you back...
This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're not really in a position to help. This way, you not only do not offend the person, but also leave yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.
Even at psychology lectures at the university, we were taught that we must refuse by starting a sentence with the word “yes” and then adding the notorious “but”.
It works, however, not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to fuss for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.
But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are simply lazy or do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and will definitely you can, but a little later. Ultimately, people must learn to respect you and your opinions. As are you, by the way. - someone else's.
Quite often it happens that people have to do something that they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from one of their relatives, friends, or colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant tasks and how to learn to refuse people? In reality, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to listen to the recommendations of experienced psychologists.
Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, and dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth exposing yourself to such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse a person who asks?
First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague truly needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the fulfillment of duties that are unpleasant to him onto someone else’s shoulders. If we are talking about a task that the person asking can perfectly cope with himself, spending a little more effort and time, you just need to rid yourself of the feeling of guilt.
As a rule, people who ask for a favor are those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to see everything through to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except those who failed to correctly plan the time and energy to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you do not owe anything to anyone, and to put your interests first, exclusively.
Ability to handle different forms of refusal
There are several simple ways that can help on how to refuse a person culturally and without offending him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this corresponds to reality. In some cases, an acquaintance or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future,” that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not giving instant consent, but warning: it is possible that after finishing the first case, you will have a second, third, and so on.
If the person asking is particularly persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” This is called “properly killing two birds with one stone.” An acquaintance receives what he asked for; you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.
Refusing does not mean offending
In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses or explanations - when a request is made by an unfamiliar or not very close person. In such situations, even apologizing is not necessary, especially if we are talking about some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask to explain the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not be accountable to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I can’t help you due to personal circumstances” is acceptable, without detailed explanations.
When someone close to you asks for a favor, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request negatively, but even here there are several options for how to refuse a loved one without offending him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that is being asked to you, or that you are afraid of solving the problem poorly or incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, or competence. Well-mannered people will never impose a complex matter and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.
The main thing is not to give in to persuasion
Sometimes the person asking tries to persuade him to agree in every possible way - through persuasion, entreaties and even blackmail. Once you follow a lead, you will forever open a “loophole” that will be used by unscrupulous acquaintances. With such people you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think at all about your feelings, and about what they can do to you that is unpleasant.
Psychologists even highlight the point that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.
Refuse...temporarily
Of course, not all requests should be refused; It is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others and truly important requests. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately determine how complex and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, refuse the person, but temporarily. It is enough to state that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.
If it turns out to be quite simple, you can meet halfway, but in the case when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again culturally refer to being busy or directly declare your reluctance to help, since this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving your own issues.
Video response on the topic “How to refuse and not become an enemy” from the “Success” program
Partial "no"
Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of your character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walks with friends, activities with children, meetings with loved ones. For those who cannot instantly transform from a universal “helper” into a person capable of tactfully refusing, experts recommend learning to do this gradually.
For example, when asked by a neighbor to walk her dog, there are three acceptable responses for “beginners”:
- only on certain days of the week
- only in good weather
- just no more than 15 minutes
On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.
What about "yes"?
It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just don’t “put everyone on your neck” who wants to receive free and high-quality help. You must always put your own desires and priorities first, and even in cases where someone you know was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or friend communicated with you solely for his own benefit. Value your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!
Not always and not everyone can we help, devote our time and energy. Therefore, often even close people have to refuse, for objective reasons or simply due to lack of desire. It's okay to say no. You need to learn to do this without remorse and suffering. If you want or are forced to say “no,” but are afraid of offending someone you care about, you can do everything in such a way that no one will be upset. Let's look at 5 simple ways to refuse without offending people.
1. Offer an alternative.
If a person asks you for a meeting, some kind of service or favor, and for some reason you do not intend to satisfy his request, you can not just refuse, but offer the interlocutor an alternative solution. For example, a colleague asks you to replace you at work while you are on vacation. You have a good, friendly relationship with him, and you wouldn’t want to hurt him. But you don’t want to go to work before the deadline. You can, for example, offer your colleague the phone number of another employee who is not busy and is not against additional part-time work. This way you will not offend the person, and besides, you will show your participation in his difficult situation, and perhaps even help.
2. Say you understand the person.
If you are about to refuse a person, but are worried about their reaction, which may be painful and emotional, begin your speech with the words: “I understand you” or “I sympathize with you.” And then insert “but” and continue your speech with a refusal. By starting a speech in this way, you make it clear to the person that his problems are by no means indifferent to you, but at the moment you cannot give him anything other than sympathy or empathy.
3. State the reason.
This works with almost all adequate, non-toxic people. When you tell your interlocutor the objective reason for your refusal, he will immediately understand that he has come to the wrong address and will not be offended, but will begin to look for someone else who can help him. Let's look at an example. A friend came to you to borrow money before payday, which she really needed to buy a dress at a discount. If you simply say “no, I won’t,” it is quite possible that this will hurt your friend. But, if you say: “Sorry, I can’t help you, because I’ve planned a budget for the month and don’t have any free funds,” your friend will thank you for your participation and go look for another way to meet her needs.
4. Inspire to solve the problem yourself.
Often people turn to us with requests not only because they have no other way to solve their problem. Sometimes it happens that a person is simply used to solving his problems at the expense of others, or does not believe that he can cope on his own. In this case, you can help the person by refusing, but by inspiring him to independently solve the problem.
5. Offer to help another time.
If at the moment you, with all your desire, cannot help a loved one and are forced to refuse, you can offer him help at some other time if you want to participate in his situation later. This way you will definitely not offend the person, and even more, you will be able to help another time.
We already told you, and... Maybe you are just one of those for whom we wrote these texts. So-called nice guys may be nice on the outside, but on the inside they constantly feel depressed and empty.
Nice guys always fall into a simple trap: they always say “Yes” to every request. These unstoppable people are afraid that people will stop liking them if they refuse. Agreeing to everything, nice guys fit additional tasks and deadlines into their already jam-packed schedules. In the end, they burden themselves with so many things that they cannot even fulfill their direct responsibilities, which should come first for them. Both laughter and sin: in the end, such a nice guy can't cope with anything, doesn't keep his promises and stops being liked by people - something he tried so hard to avoid.
A man sets clear priorities and goals, takes the time to achieve them, and says “no” when a request prevents him from doing what is important to him. He never stops striving to be better, doing different things to remain just good.
What don't nice guys understand? It's impossible to please everyone. Even if you help and please everyone. And what’s more, it’s even possible to refuse people and still leave them with the idea that you’re good and your boyfriend.
If you find it difficult to refuse people, refer to our manual: it will teach you how to do it correctly.
This is not some kind of personal “no”. Don't say "no" as if you are refusing a person because you don't like him; because his idea is crazy; because it's boring. Let him know that you are just “following the rules.” I mean, some of your own personal rules that do not allow you to agree.
- “I can’t go to the polka festival on Monday because we always spend Monday night as a family.”
- “I can’t donate money to this. Instead of such donations, we decided to save money and give it to... (any cause).”
- “Thanks for the invitation, but I don’t date women who have more than eleven cats.”
Make it clear that you would like to say yes. If you show the person that you sympathize with their request, but still cannot fulfill it, this will soften their disappointment at being rejected.
- “I would love to hire you, you are perfect for this position. But the HR person had already found another candidate and began to process him.”
- “I would love to speak at your convention: I really enjoyed it last year, the presentations were excellent. But I have too many things to do.”
Show that you have thought about your refusal. Hearing an immediate and thoughtless refusal is very offensive. Show the person that you thought about their request, that you took time to make a decision before you said no.
- “Very exciting scenario. I really like the scene where the cannibal robot and the platypus become friends. But the studio makes romantic comedies, I'm sorry."
Offer some sort of compensation. If you cannot fulfill the request, think about what you can do to help in some way.
- “I can’t referee this game, but I’ll give you a keg so you can have some fun after the match.”
- “I can’t go camping, but I can give you a tent.”
Make it clear that your refusal will benefit them. You can turn your refusal into a kind of favor: you just need to turn the matter around in such a way that the person understands that your consent would only aggravate the matter.
- “Your newspaper is first-class. If I took the time to write any text for you, it would not live up to the high standards for which your publication is famous.”
- “If I went with you, I would still fall asleep in the middle of the movie and embarrass everyone.”
Say no to help the person say no to themselves. Web designers, hairdressers and other creative people understand these feelings when they tell a client that their wish cannot be fulfilled. That is, technically it is possible, but it will look bad. If they say “no” bluntly, the client may become angry and offended. Instead, ask about the person's goals, and then gently show them why their proposal will not help achieve them.
- “If you want your page to look sleek and modern, all those rainbows and unicorns in the background don’t fit with the overall style. I can show you a few samples - maybe this is just what you need."
- “You have a very masculine chin. This haircut will make him weigh down his entire face.”
Make it clear that in the future you can agree. Don't make a situation look hopeless if it isn't.
- “I can’t give you an “excellent” for this work, but you almost succeeded. Next time, make the thesis more convincing, and then everything will work out.”
Show that the idea is bad. If someone comes to you with an idea that can never be implemented, no matter what they say or how hard they try, don’t sugarcoat your refusal. But “No, get out, you idiot!” - also not the best way. Instead, ask a few questions and show where the plan isn't working. Help the person see for himself how unrealistic his idea is. You'll be doing him a favor.
- “Okay, who is this fake beard aimed at?”
Just say no. Sometimes this is the best way. If someone is wasting your time and doesn't respect you, don't soften your refusal. Show him the door.
And finally. These tips will help you soften the refusal, but should not introduce ambiguity into your speech. Stay polite and warm, but be tough and confident. State your opinion and let them put up with it. Don't let anyone blame you for not doing things you don't like. What's nice about reliability? You will respect yourself more if you learn to say a firm “no.”
There are many techniques published on the Internet and in popular publications for refusing an annoying interlocutor or saying no in a situation. The names of such denial technologies speak for themselves. The “Take for time” and “I have plans” techniques require taking a pause to think, but in the end the risk of offending with a refusal is not reduced, but is only postponed until later. The advice “Precautionary Measures” encourages you to avoid meeting with the manipulator or avoid situations where you might be asked to do so. The “I don’t usually…” and “Controlled Stupidity” techniques introduce the reader to speech phrases that turn him or her into a manipulator of another person’s feelings and behavior. We need such a technology to say “no” so as not to lose face and maintain the respect of the person we are refusing.
Psychological preparation for a failure situation
Most people understand that saying “no” requires enviable confidence and calm. While an insecure person blushes, fusses and looks away, a confident interlocutor refuses easily and freely. What makes him confident is precisely his psychological readiness for this situation and knowledge of the technology of refusal, so as not to offend another person. You can receive psychological training through assertiveness training and confident behavior seminars. With the task of “becoming confident in communication,” you can turn to a psychologist for help. You can also gain situational confidence by using the “English Queen Pose” technique. To do this, when you hear a request addressed to you, take a deep breath, lift your chin, straighten your shoulders and look into the eyes of your interlocutor, use the technology of refusal.
Technology to say “no” and not offend a person
So, the main difficulty in refusing is to save your face and not offend your interlocutor, to maintain the respect and disposition of the person asking for you. The technology to say "no" directly and unequivocally offers you say no to a person's request and at the same time say yes to an individual person. What does this mean? This means you must show the person that he is important to you, give him significance, and express gratitude. And at the same time refuse him (just something) his request.
This is what a dialogue might look like with your co-worker who is asking you for a loan.
A colleague comes up to you during your lunch break and ingratiatingly asks: “Listen, help me out (pleading look),XI’d like to grab a couple of thousand rubles from you before payday.”.
In a few seconds you take the “queen pose” and looking into your colleague’s eyes, say in a soft and confident voice: “I am very pleased that you are contacting me. I'm glad that we work with you in the same office(say “yes” to the person you are talking to).Sorry, but I won't lend you money this time.(deny his request).”
If your work colleague makes another attempt to beg you for money, you continue to say “no” to his request with a short phrase, in a firm voice: “Nothing will come of it. No". .
You no longer need to repeat the entire phrase, and you use the “broken record” technique, repeating “no” until the interlocutor leaves you with his request. In a situation of greater psychological distance, for example, when communicating with an intrusive salesman, you can reinforce your second “no” on a bodily level by turning your back to the salesperson.
Practice the “queen pose” and the ability to say “no” in a firm and confident voice at home in front of a mirror. Practice saying no to strangers in a respectful manner before you say “no” and avoid offending those close to you.
