(Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne)
Consciously, or more often unconsciously, most people automatically play certain roles.
Eric Berne's book “Games People Play” is devoted to this topic. People who play games"
It was Eric Berne who became the founder of the so-called transactional analysis.
Transactional analysis is a psychotherapeutic method that can be used to analyze human behavior outward, in communicating with people, as well as his internal problems through analysis of the interaction of his subpersonalities.
According to Eric Berne, each of us in different situations plays one of three roles: Parent, Adult, Child.
These roles do not depend on the age of the individual.
As a rule, all three roles are inherent in a person, but there is one favorite one, which is repeated in most situations.
The parent teaches, guides, lectures, evaluates, condemns, knows everything, understands everything, advises, takes care of, controls, does not doubt the correctness of his opinion, is responsible for everyone, demands from everyone.
An adult reasons soberly, weighs, analyzes logically, is free from prejudice, and does not give in to influence.
The child is uncontrollably emotional, unpredictable, protesting, creative, illogical, non-compliant general rules, impulsive. Often traumatized, offended, stubborn, led, insecure, afraid, guilty and ashamed.
In the parental position, a person takes responsibility for himself, and this is, first of all, responsibility for those around him.
In adult position a person accepts only his own responsibility.
In a child's position, a person does not take on any responsibility, shifting it to others.
The parent's perception of reality lies in the perception own opinion as reality, i.e. subjective reality he perceives it as factual reality. His opinion is also wrong.
An adult clearly separates subjective and objective reality. Distinguishes between opinions and facts.
Child any external information perceives it as an objective reality, without distinguishing opinion from facts.
Attitude to development:
The child is afraid to develop and change, and does this carefully, reluctantly, and rather because internal Parent, oppressed by external negative circumstances, forces!
The parent is closed to true, honest, deep development. Sometimes its development is just a sham. He often protects himself from development by pretending that everything is fine, thereby blocking the path to improvement.
An adult is ready and open to development and self-knowledge and enjoys it.
The child is able to honestly admit his problem, and honestly admit that he is not able to solve this problem because of fear and lack of confidence in himself and his abilities.
The parent is often unable to admit his problem, and for this reason he cannot solve it. The parent is most characterized by dishonesty with himself, self-deception, and defensive reactions.
An adult sees a problem objectively, but perceives it as a task that he is able to solve.
For each of the three states: parent, adult, child- characterized by their verbal and non-verbal manifestations.
The parent uses manipulation from a position of power that infringes on the interests of the partner, even to the point of direct assault. A parent likes to give advice when no one needs it. Threats and orders are common communication techniques in the parental position.
The parent often says “we”: “We got a job! We went to college!” (the Parent will say about his already adult son or daughter)
And also the Parent uses diminutive suffixes: “Len points and, be so kind, give me this notebook points y".
He is dominated by dominant postures and gestures. Harsh intonations.
An adult boldly expresses his opinion, using the pronoun “I”; he has neutral postures and gestures, neutral emotional intonations.
The child's position is characterized by justifications and excuses, exaggerating one's weaknesses, playing the Victim, with a manipulative goal, to increase the status of a partner, and transfer him to the status of a parent, in order to find a Savior.
(Very similar to the Karpman Triangle:
Very often, before expressing his opinion, the Child first explains and explains why and how this point of view has the right to exist.
The Child has dependent postures and gestures, ingratiating, justifying intonations.
As you already understand, these roles are necessary for people to achieve certain goals, for example, to manipulate people.
For example, a person needs help and asks his friend for advice. Previously, they both had a relationship between two “adults”. Now, in order to receive selfless help, he plays the role of a “child”, voicing his request in a plaintive form.
An acquaintance who would be pleased to elevate himself and please his ego happily accepts the role of “parent”. And provides assistance by playing the role of Guardian. He likes this role so much that in the future he does not want to leave it. And although our main character has already resolved his problem, his friend continues to give moral teachings and turns into a Controlling Parent. Our hero is no longer happy about this turn of events. A conflict arises.
Transactional analysis helps us understand the games people play. It works very efficiently in resolution conflict situations, especially: husband-wife, fathers-children, boss-subordinate.
As you yourself understand, at any age it is better to communicate as: Adult-Adult.
Determining a person's dominant role is quite simple.
In addition to the signs described above, this reveals how a person introduces himself when meeting him. A 50-year-old woman can introduce herself as: Tanya, Tatyana, Tatyana Ivanovna. This clearly characterizes her favorite role. (however, sometimes it depends on the context of the situation).
Inside each of us there live these three roles - three subpersonalities.
By being aware of them, internal conflicts can be resolved.
For example, you don't want to get up early in the morning. The child says: “I’ll lie around for another half hour.” The parent admonishes: “If you’re late for the meeting, you’ll ruin the negotiations.” The adult convinces: “For the negotiations to be successful, I still have time to prepare for them.”
There are many psychotherapeutic techniques of transactional analysis.
I suggest you "Three chairs" technique, it can be done independently and without the help of a psychoconsultant:
To do this, you will need three chairs and an attentive attitude to the changes taking place.
One of the chairs belongs to your Child, the second to the Parent, and the third to the Adult.
Having formulated your question, sit in the Child’s chair and ask how he would react to this situation.
Then talk to the Parent and, finally, listen to the Adult - he is able to analyze what he heard and give objective advice.
A simple example: your Child wants to buy a raincoat, sweater and jeans at once, the Parent believes that it is better to spend the money on courses necessary for work French, and the Adult, based on objective facts, will conclude that the courses are really necessary, but this month you can also buy jeans.
Most people take their lives too seriously and are afraid to change anything in it, although what needs to be changed is simply obvious. “My husband insults me, humiliates me, constantly criticizes me and doesn’t give me life... What should I do?” writes one client. “I don't like the job. The salary is ridiculous. The boss mocks and leaves the team. There is no way I can be happy under such circumstances,” says another. “My boyfriend really likes to drink. Drunk almost every day. Made me an offer. What should I do?” the third one is tormented.
Dear women! Imagine that our life is a GAME. We play a certain role in it, which, it must be said, we CHOOSE ourselves. Nobody forces us to live with a husband who treats us like empty space. Work for unloved job or marry an almost full-blown alcoholic. And if we CHOOSE this in our lives, it means that such conditions of the GAME are somehow beneficial to us.
Yes, yes! The life we have now is BENEFITABLE for us. And the benefit outweighs dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction, and the desire to change something. The roles we play are inherited, and our whole life adapts to this role.
We always choose the role we will play (often unconsciously) and thus attract people for whom our role is ideal for their game. On energy level we simply write on our foreheads the inscription: “I can be offended. Entrance is free”, “Teach me how to live”, “Don’t come near, I’ll kill you”, “I’ll do everything myself”, “I’m looking for a goat”, etc.
Our inscription on our forehead is our chosen life scenario. I am often asked how to change it. How can you stop attracting infantile men, goats, womanizers or tyrants. Earn as much as possible.
To do this, we need to understand what phrase is written on our forehead. Keep track of the roles we play. Do we understand why these roles are beneficial to us? And consciously choose a different role. Write another phrase on your forehead. Start behaving differently.
There are actually a lot of roles, but those roles that we play throughout our lives are well depicted in the Karpman triangle (Scroll the photo to the left).
1️⃣ Role - victim. She is used to suffering, enduring and tormenting. She needs help all the time, since she is not able to make any decisions herself. He feels sorry for himself, sincerely believes that life is unfair, and everyone around him is to blame.
The phrase that is written on the forehead: “Hurt me”, “Control me”, “Help me”, “Save me”. The repressed feeling is aggression. The victim denies the presence of his resources, does not know how to define his boundaries and take responsibility for his problems.
She attracts into her life a controller who will control her, offend her, and a savior who will save her from the controller.
2️⃣ Role - Controller (dictator, tyrant, aggressor). I’m used to controlling everyone and feeling like I’m the master of the situation. Doesn't trust people. Feels responsible for others. This makes me very tired.
The phrase that is written on the forehead: “I know better than you.” The repressed feeling is vulnerability. He denies the possibility of being wrong and losing.
He attracts a victim into his life, whom he will control and demand. And a rescuer who will annoy him immensely.
3️⃣Role - Rescuer. He feels pity for the victim and anger towards the controller. He considers himself higher, smarter, wiser than others and wants to save other people. But in fact, he is unable to do this, since no one asked him for this help.
The phrase on the forehead: “I will help you,” “I will give it to you.” The repressing feeling is powerlessness. He feels omnipotent, but at the same time gets upset when he fails to save someone.
Attracts the victim and the tyrant.
The most interesting thing is that people periodically change these roles. But at the same time they still feel unhappy. Because being in this triangle, it is impossible to be a mature person.
How to get out of the triangle if you are a victim❓
✔️Stop complaining about life. At all. Spend this time looking for opportunities to improve what you are not happy with.
✔️Remember once and for all: no one owes you anything. Even if they promised, if they really wanted to, if they themselves offered. Circumstances are constantly changing, as are human desires. Yesterday they wanted to give you something, today they don’t want to. Stop waiting for salvation.
✔️Everything you do is your choice and your responsibility. And you have the right to make a different choice if this one does not suit you.
How to get out of the triangle if you are a controller❓
✅ Stop blaming other people and circumstances for your problems.
No one is obligated to conform to your ideas of right and wrong. People are different, situations are different, if you don't like something, just don't deal with it.
✅ Resolve disagreements peacefully, without anger or aggression.
✅Stop asserting yourself at the expense of those who are weaker than you.
How to get out of the triangle if you are a rescuer❔
☑️If they don’t ask you for help or advice, be silent.
☑️ Stop thinking that you know better how to live, and that without your most valuable recommendations the world will collapse.
☑️Don't make thoughtless promises.
☑️Stop waiting for gratitude and praise. You help because you want to help, and not for honors and awards, right?
☑️Before you rush to “do good,” ask yourself honestly: is your intervention necessary and effective?
☑️Stop asserting yourself at the expense of those who are weaker than you.
I thought, well, this is why some people cling so much to what is bad. It doesn't matter why. Because men - ko, women - du, officials - vz, neighbors - sv, etc. And no matter how much you try to convince such people that it can happen differently, they don’t believe it and hold on to their point of view even more tightly.
And then I realized that everyone simply clings to a script and plot that is understandable and familiar to them. Life is often (if not always) assessed on the principle of “have something to tell or nothing to tell.” If there is nothing to tell, then it’s like a movie, without action. You feel that you are living when everything in life is like in a good dynamic film: the plot, the twists, the development of the plot, the climax and denouement. But if it’s the same thing every day, every frame is the same, then you won’t want to watch such a film, and you won’t want to live such a life either.
That’s why it happens like this: they met (the beginning), they quarreled and made up (plot development, interesting twists), then they got married (the denouement). And then it became so boring that at least get a divorce. Because there are no more plot twists for you, the boring film has begun. That’s why a situation arises: I loved him so much, loved him so much, went crazy, and suddenly, I can’t see him. It just became boring, nothing interesting happens in life anymore, everything is predictable. Well, who is interested in a predictable film? Yes, and there is nothing to tell about my life.
Therefore, to revive the plot, they are created different situations. You can, for example, get drunk and then have something to talk about. You can do a lot of things while drunk. Or quarrel, change. Or get sick. Or go to the barricades. Or create some kind of uncomfortable situation for yourself and then get out of it with heroism or without heroism. The main thing is that there is something to tell, and in situations the characters’ characters are revealed. It's already an interesting film. .
Everyone also chooses their role. Some play the unfortunate victim, others the heroic lover. And so they stick to their role. It’s easier to play the same thing and it’s clear how to do it; with each episode of the film you can hone your “skill.”
Psychologists say that the script is laid down in childhood. The qualities you were born with and the way you were loved as a child are how you will live your whole life. For example, they told you as a child: “Be quiet, fool. Nothing always works out for you. She forgot her diary! Didn’t you forget your head at home?!” You’ll remain like this for the rest of your life, because it’s written into your subconscious that you’re a fool and can’t say anything smart.
Or if, on the contrary, you were praised and supported in childhood, then this also remains for the rest of your life. And confidence, and joy, and the feeling that they love you and that people are good.
I just think that childhood is childhood, but you can change your role. How actors can play completely different characters in different films.
The role in childhood is imposed and created by other people, the words they say, their attitude... In the same way, the role in your current life can be changed with the help of other people, simply by changing your social circle and your attitude towards other people.
When you start, they begin to treat you well. And if they “bite” out of habit, then you can simply ask them not to do this. Or adjust your social circle again. After all, it is only the child who does not have much choice in his social circle: he is attached to his parents, school and the social circle that they create for him. And an adult already more freedom and opportunities in choosing a circle of friends.
It also helps if you watch films and read books with the life scenarios in which you would like to find yourself.
Why else do people cling so much to their negative scenario and why do they try to talk more about the bad things? Yes, simply because the more characters in the film, the more interesting it is. This is how they drag other people into their negative film. That’s why I don’t like any kind of stories about bad things, about misfortunes, especially public ones.
About unhappy love.
Maybe he just likes the role of an unhappy lover?
Affairs only with married people.
Maybe you're playing the role of girlfriend main character? Why not become the main character herself?
After all, you can write and change the script yourself. And assign yourself any role too.
How to create the scenario of your life yourself, the one you like, instead of complaining about today's life.
Create situations yourself. Don't wait to see what they tell you to do. Change. New heroes of the film - new movie And new role, a new role.
Why is this difficult to do? Yes, simply because I’m lazy and sometimes scared. This is a way out, where everything is clear and predictable. But it is precisely this predictability and the boredom it causes that pushes people into all sorts of troubles and adventures for their own good.
And you can’t do it without the support of other people. What's a movie without heroes? Who will speak the lines, participate in the action, create the mood and situations?
Therefore, it is better and more beneficial for oneself to treat other people well and see, first of all, the good in people. Then interesting film It will work out, and life won’t be boring.
