The father is aggressive towards his husband. Angelic patience or dramatic changes - how to deal with an aggressive husband? How to protect yourself from aggression

Aggression is an attack motivated by destructive behavior that contradicts all norms of human coexistence and harms the targets of the attack, causing moral and physical harm to people, causing psychological discomfort. From the perspective of psychiatry, aggression in humans is considered a method of psychological defense against a traumatic and unfavorable situation. It can also be a way of psychological release, as well as self-affirmation.

Aggression causes damage not only to an individual, an animal, but also to an inanimate object. Aggressive behavior in humans is considered in the following sections: physical - verbal, direct - indirect, active - passive, benign - malignant.

Causes of aggression

Aggressive behavior in humans can be caused by a variety of reasons.

The main causes of aggression in humans:

- abuse of alcohol, as well as drugs that weaken the nervous system, which provokes the development of an aggressive, inadequate reaction to minor situations;

- problems of a personal nature, unsettled personal life (lack of a life partner, a feeling of loneliness, intimate problems that cause, and later turn into an aggressive state and manifest themselves at every mention of the problem);

- mental trauma received in childhood (neurosis received in childhood due to poor parental relations);

- strict upbringing provokes future manifestations of aggressiveness towards children;

- passion for watching quest games and thrillers;

- overwork, refusal to rest.

Aggressive behavior is observed in a number of mental and nervous disorders. This condition is observed in patients with epilepsy, schizophrenia, due to injuries and organic lesions of the brain, meningitis, encephalitis, psychosomatic disorders, neurasthenia, epileptoid psychopathy.

The causes of aggression are subjective factors (customs, revenge, historical memory, extremism, fanaticism of some religious movements, the image of a strong person introduced through the media, and even the psychological individual traits of politicians).

There is a misconception that aggressive behavior is more characteristic of people with mental illness. There is evidence that only 12% of people who committed aggressive acts and were referred for a forensic psychiatric examination were diagnosed with mental illness. In half of the cases, aggressive behavior was a manifestation, and in the rest, inappropriate aggressive reactions were noted. In virtually all cases, there is an exaggerated reaction to circumstances.

Observation of teenagers has shown that television perpetuates an aggressive state through crime programs, which further enhances the effect. Sociologists, such as Carolyn Wood Sheriff, challenge the popular belief that sports act as ersatz war without bloodshed. Long-term observations of teenagers at a summer camp showed that sports competitions not only do not reduce mutual aggressiveness, but only intensify it. An interesting fact was discovered about the removal of aggressiveness in adolescents. Working together in the camp not only united the teenagers, but also helped relieve mutual aggressive tension.

Types of aggression

A. Bass, as well as A. Darkey, identified the following types of aggression in humans:

- physical, when direct force is used to inflict physical and moral damage on the enemy;

- irritation manifests itself in readiness for negative feelings; indirect aggression is characterized in a roundabout way and is directed at another person;

- negativism is an oppositional manner of behavior, marked by passive resistance to active struggle, directed against established laws and customs;

- verbal aggression is expressed in negative feelings through such forms as screeching, screaming, through verbal responses (threats, curses);

Growing up is a difficult stage in the life of every teenager. The child wants independence, but is often afraid of it and is not ready for it. Because of this, the teenager has contradictions that he is not able to sort out on his own. At such moments, the main thing is not to distance yourself from the children, to show tolerance, not to criticize, to talk only as equals, to try to calm them down, to understand them, to understand the problem.

Aggression in adolescents manifests itself in the following types:

- hyperactive - a motor-disinhibited teenager who is brought up in a family in an atmosphere of permissiveness of the “idol” type. To correct behavior, it is necessary to build a system of restrictions using game situations with mandatory rules;

- an exhausted and touchy teenager who is characterized by increased sensitivity, irritability, touchiness, and vulnerability. Behavior correction includes relieving mental stress (hitting something, noisy play);

- an oppositional-defiant teenager who shows rudeness towards people he knows and parents who are not role models. The teenager transfers his mood and problems onto these people. Behavior modification involves problem solving in collaboration;

- an aggressive-fearful teenager who is hostile and suspicious. Correction includes working with fears, modeling a dangerous situation with the child, overcoming it;

- an aggressively insensitive child who is not characterized by emotional responsiveness, sympathy, and empathy. Correction includes stimulating humane feelings and developing children's responsibility for their actions.

Aggression in adolescents has the following causes: learning difficulties, shortcomings in upbringing, characteristics of the maturation of the nervous system, lack of cohesion in the family, lack of closeness between the child and parents, the negative nature of relationships between sisters and brothers, family leadership style. Children from families where there is discord, alienation, and coldness are most prone to aggression. Communication with peers and imitation of older schoolchildren also contributes to the development of this condition.

Some psychologists believe that teenage aggressiveness can be suppressed as childish, but there are nuances here. In childhood, the social circle is limited only by parents, who independently correct aggressive behavior, and in adolescence, the social circle becomes wider. This circle expands to include other teenagers with whom the child communicates as equals, which is not the case at home. Hence the problems in families. A group of peers considers him an independent, separate and unique person, where his opinion is taken into account, but at home the teenager is classified as an unreasonable child and his opinion is not taken into account.

How to respond to aggression? To extinguish aggression, parents need to try to understand their child, accept his position if possible, listen, and help without criticism.

It is important to eliminate aggression from the family, where it is the norm between adults. Even as a child grows up, parents act as role models. For parents of brawlers, the child will grow up to be the same in the future, even if the adults do not clearly express aggression in front of the teenager. The feeling of aggressiveness occurs on a sensory level. It is possible that a teenager grows up quiet and downtrodden, but the consequences of family aggression will be as follows: a cruel, aggressive tyrant will grow up. To prevent such an outcome, it is necessary to consult a psychologist to correct aggressive behavior.

Prevention of aggression in adolescents includes: the formation of a certain range of interests, involvement in positive activities (music, reading, sports), involvement in socially recognized activities (sports, work, art, organization), avoiding manifestations of force in relation to the teenager, discussing problems together, listening to feelings of children, lack of criticism, reproaches.

Parents must always remain tolerant, loving, gentle, communicate on equal terms with teenagers and remember that if you move away from your child now, it will be very difficult to get closer later.

Aggression in men

Male aggression is strikingly different from female aggression in its attitudes. Men resort mainly to an open form of aggression. They often experience much less anxiety, as well as feelings of guilt during periods of aggression. For them, aggression is a means of achieving their goals or a unique model of behavior.

Most scientists who have studied human social behavior have suggested that aggression in men is determined by genetic reasons. This behavior made it possible to pass on one’s genes from generation to generation, defeat rivals and find a partner for procreation. Scientists Kenrick, Sadalla, and Verschoor have found out as a result of research that women consider leadership and dominance of men to be attractive qualities for themselves.

Increased aggression in men occurs due to social as well as cultural factors, or more precisely, in the absence of a culture of behavior and the need to demonstrate confidence, strength and independence.

Women's aggression

Women often use psychological implicit aggression; they are worried about what kind of resistance the victim may give them. Women resort to aggression during outbursts of anger to relieve mental and nervous tension. Women, being social creatures, have emotional sensitivity, friendliness and empathy, and their aggressive behavior is not as pronounced as men's.

Aggression in older women baffles loving relatives. Often this type of disorder is classified as a symptom if there are no obvious reasons for such behavior. Attacks of aggression in women are characterized by a change in character and an increase in negative traits.

Aggression in women is often provoked by the following factors:

- congenital hormonal deficiency caused by early developmental pathology, which leads to mental disorders;

- emotional negative experiences of childhood (sexual violence, abuse), victimization of intra-family aggression, as well as the pronounced role of the victim (husband);

- hostile relationship with mother, childhood mental trauma.

Aggression in the elderly

The most common disorder in older people is aggression. The reason is a narrowing of the circle of perception, as well as a false interpretation of the events of an elderly person who is gradually losing touch with society. This is caused by a decrease in memory for current events. For example, stolen items or missing money. Such situations cause problems in family relationships. It is very difficult to convey to an elderly person with memory impairment that the missing item will be found because it was placed in another place.

Aggression in the elderly manifests itself in emotional disturbances - grumpiness, irritability, protest reactions to everything new, a tendency to conflict, groundless insults and accusations.

The state of aggression is often caused by atrophic processes and vascular diseases of the brain (). These changes often go unnoticed by relatives and others, being attributed to “bad character.” A competent assessment of the condition and the correct selection of therapy allows one to achieve good results in establishing peace in the family.

Husband's aggression

Family disagreements and strong husband aggression are the most discussed topics in consultations with psychologists. Conflicts and disagreements that provoke mutual aggression among spouses are as follows:

- uncoordinated, unfair division of labor in the family;

- different understanding of rights and responsibilities;

- insufficient contribution of one of the family members to household work;

— chronic dissatisfaction of needs;

- shortcomings, defects in upbringing, discrepancies in mental worlds.

All family conflicts arise for the following reasons:

- dissatisfaction with the intimate needs of one of the spouses;

— dissatisfaction with the need for the significance and value of one’s “I” (violation of self-esteem, dismissive and disrespectful attitude, insults, resentments, incessant criticism);

— dissatisfaction with positive emotions (lack of tenderness, affection, care, understanding, attention, psychological alienation of spouses);

- addiction to gambling, alcoholic beverages of one of the spouses, as well as hobbies that lead to unreasonable waste of money;

— financial disagreements between spouses (issues of family support, mutual budget, each person’s contribution to material support);

— dissatisfaction with the need for mutual support, mutual assistance, the need for cooperation and cooperation associated with the division of labor, housekeeping, and child care;

— dissatisfaction with needs and interests in leisure and recreation.

As you can see, there are many reasons for conflict, and each family can identify its own pain points from this list.

Sociological studies have found that men are most sensitive to material and everyday problems and difficulties of adaptation at the beginning of family life. If a husband has male problems, then often the whole family suffers from this, but the wife suffers the most. Feeling his powerlessness, a man looks for the culprit and in this case it turns out to be a woman. The accusations are based on the fact that the wife is no longer arousing as before, she has gained weight, and has stopped taking care of herself.

The husband's aggression is expressed in petty nagging, dictatorship, provocations, and family quarrels. Often this is a consequence of dissatisfaction, as well as lack of self-confidence.

The reason for the husband’s aggression lies in his complexes and in no case are the wife’s shortcomings and behavior to blame for this. Having analyzed the form of manifestation of the husband’s aggression, one can find that it can be verbal, in which there is a demonstration of negative emotions (insults, rudeness). This behavior is typical of domestic tyrants.

A husband's aggression can be indirect and expressed in malicious remarks, offensive jokes, jokes, and pettiness. Lies, threats and refusal to help are also expressions of indirect aggression. Deceitful and evading husbands get their way with the help of hysterics and threats. This behavior is typical of despots, psychopaths, brawlers, and torturers. Men with personality disorders are very difficult, both for communication and for family life. Some husbands show cruelty (physical and moral).

Most women try to improve relations with their aggressor husband, but all attempts to improve the relationship and the desire to learn to understand the aggressor, as well as to become happier with him, come to a dead end.

The main mistakes made by a woman with an aggressor husband:

- often shares her fears and hopes, counting on understanding, giving her husband the opportunity to once again be convinced that she is weak and defenseless;

- constantly share your plans and interests with the aggressor, giving your husband another opportunity to criticize and condemn her;

- often the victim wife tries to find common topics for conversation, but in response she receives silence and coldness;

— the woman mistakenly believes that the aggressor will rejoice at her successes in life.

These paradoxes indicate that all a woman’s aspirations for internal growth and improvement of relationships with her aggressor husband only worsen the situation. An interesting fact is that the aggressor, when scolding a woman, describes exactly himself in the accusations that he attributes to her.

Fighting aggression

What to do when you feel aggression? You should not put up with the tyranny of your spouse, because you cause great damage to yourself and your self-esteem. You do not have to endure attacks, bad temper, supposedly from a stranger. You are an independent person with the same rights as your husband. You have the right to emotional peace, rest, and care for yourself.

How to treat aggression?

It is important for the aggressor himself to understand the reason that prompted him to such behavior. If you persuade your husband to consult a psychologist, you will receive recommendations from a specialist on eliminating aggression from your life. However, if the husband’s personality anomaly is pronounced and further cohabitation is unbearable, then the best option would be divorce. Husbands of the tyrant category do not understand well, so you should not indulge them. The more you give in to them, the more brazenly they behave.

Why is it necessary to fight aggression? Because nothing passes without a trace, and every painful injection causes certain damage to the female psyche, even if the woman finds excuses for her tyrant, forgives and forgets the insult. After some time, the husband will again find a reason to offend his wife. And a woman will try to maintain peace at any cost.

Constant insults, as well as humiliation, negatively affect women’s self-esteem, and, in the end, a woman begins to admit that she doesn’t know how to do much. Thus, he develops an inferiority complex.

An adequate normal man should help a woman, support her in everything, and not constantly humiliate her and poke her nose at her shortcomings. Constant nagging and reproaches will affect the general tone and mood and disrupt a woman’s peace of mind, which will have to be restored with the help of specialists.

Good afternoon A child (son) 1 year 10 months shows aggression, endless tantrums with or without cause. If we are in the company of children, then he bites, pushes, hits, hugs everyone with such force that he almost strangles them, and takes away all the toys. He reacts to the word “can’t” with hysterics, lies on the floor and yells, freaks out. I try to calm him down and explain that this is not possible, and he starts hitting and biting me. Yes, sometimes he just lies down next to me and starts kicking me. He doesn't offend anyone else in the family except me. I don’t know how to behave with him anymore...

• Good afternoon, Anastasia. The development of children from 1 to 2 years of life is complicated by a number of crises associated with growing up. At this stage of development, the child begins to feel himself as an individual separate from the mother and to get to know himself, to look for his own “I”. Each new children's achievement is a kind of leap. Often, in some children, such mini-crises provoke so-called behavioral failures. For example, some children become capricious or have trouble sleeping.
  Most psychologists are convinced that the only period in which hysterics are acceptable is when a toddler is one year old. After all, he does not have enough vocabulary to explain his desires and behavior, and hysterics are his usual way of behaving. He simply doesn’t know any other way. Just a couple of months ago, all he had to do was whine, and his parents would immediately run to him, calm him down, console him, and fulfill his wishes. And today, although he has matured a little, he still does not know any other way to attract attention. You need to understand that the toddler himself will not be able to cope with hysteria, he simply will not be able to calm down on his own, so you should pick up the child and hold him close. But shouting, slapping the butt, swearing is wrong and harmful for the further development of the child.

Good afternoon.
I have self-aggression. I know for sure because I have been suffering from this for a long time. I have a five-year-old son and I try to restrain myself...I try very hard.... however, sometimes I can’t resist and my son hears... and comes from the other room and asks “Mom, why are you beating yourself?”... we need to do something about it...
Is there any over-the-counter medication I can take to take the course?
I don’t want to go to specialists - I’m afraid that they’ll lock me up in a mental hospital and take my son away. The long period of restraint is 7-10 days, then I still have a breakdown... and PMS has nothing to do with it.
Thank you

• Hello, Tatyana. We recommend that you contact a private specialist regarding your problem. The paid clinic ensures anonymity, the psychiatrist will help you understand yourself and your personality problems.
  Understanding why you harm yourself is the first step towards recovery. If you identify the reason why you physically harm yourself, you can find new ways to cope with your feelings, which in turn will reduce the desire to harm yourself.

  • thanks for the answer!
    Do I need a psychiatrist or psychologist or neurologist?

    • Tatyana, in your case, a psychotherapist is the best option.

Good afternoon. I probably won’t be original in my problem, but I would like to hear an assessment and advice regarding my specific situation.
Married for over 20 years. The relationship with my husband is good, except for the outbursts of anger that occur regularly, once every few months. The same scenario always happens. It begins with his irritability, which manifests itself from several days to a week. He’s the one who’s accumulating anger, that’s what I think. Moreover, he gets irritated at any word, but it is clear that he is trying to restrain himself. Then there comes a moment when this any word becomes the starting point for his scandal. Here is the last case in particular. We live outside the city. I came from the city and brought my child from school. Saturday. He is sitting preparing lunch. He loves to cook. He does it with pleasure. Released the dogs from the enclosures. We have 5 Central Asian Shepherds. A neighbor arrived. They ran to the fence and barked at the neighbor. I'm nervous. I say that you can’t let everyone out into the yard at once. God forbid anything happens. The husband says he will drive them out soon. And if I need it, I can do it myself. I say that I can’t do it myself, because I’m sick (chondrosis has broken, it hurts to turn), and it started. The potatoes flew into the wall, and accusations that I sent the food, ruined everything, a bastard and the last person in the whole wide world. I turned around, told my son to start the car, and went to round up the dogs myself. I took two of them away, put the third one on a leash, my husband came out and started shouting that I was taking this dog to the wrong place. I got behind the wheel and asked for the gate remote control. He said there was no remote control. Although he has it in his pocket. I turned around and drove out through the task gate.
I never raised my voice. The only thing she said was that I didn’t see my fault. In the evening I wrote to him that he was causing me pain and resentment. But there is no anger towards him. He didn't answer.
Then our next scenario begins. Now we won't talk to each other for a long time. He seriously believes that he is absolutely right. Ends up having to talk at work. (we work together in our organization).
Then again dear, beloved, sun until next time. Please tell me if there is a model of behavior to avoid these aggressive outbursts. Sometimes I fear for the lives of my children and myself. Because when he is furious, he flies with such force that it becomes scary.

• Hello, Olga. Your problem is clear. We recommend changing your attitude towards your husband’s periodic aggressive outbursts - stop being offended, experiencing psychological discomfort and proving something. No matter how hard you try, they will still repeat themselves. This does not depend on your behavior or the behavior of your children.
  “In the evening I wrote to him that he was causing me pain and resentment. But there is no anger towards him. He didn't answer." “There’s no point in explaining anything to my husband either.” His aggression is a psychological release. Try to anticipate your husband’s condition and not support the conflict in any form.

My husband has attacks of aggression, mainly if I am not happy with the fact that he drinks at work or on vacation with the same group of employees. In my opinion, they drink often, only 10-15 people have birthdays, not to mention holidays. My husband is 53 years old, has hypertension, and constantly takes pills to lower his blood pressure. I don’t think alcohol contributes to his health and longevity, and of course I say that it’s unpleasant for me. 5 years ago he quit smoking, before that he smoked all the time. Now he constantly reproaches me for this during quarrels. This seems strange to me, I say that if he only did this for me, and now this is his “trump card” argument in our dialogues, then why such sacrifices, I don’t need them. He says that I control him, that almost everyone laughs at him... And what is masculine strength - I want to smoke and drink - it’s my business - you sit quietly, or what? I’m not talking about the fact that there are people who never drink of their own free will, who don’t drink in groups, but are present at corporate events, and in general are the soul of the company (I had such an employee). I don’t see any heroism here; a person does this of his own free will. Today we were at another corporate party, company day, I haven’t been having conversations lately on the topic, I drank or didn’t drink, it’s good for you after that, it’s bad…. I arrived, I said that I would call at least once a day, just like that, say hello, how are you... I didn’t even say anything else, and in general I didn’t intend to... God, what started here: throwing things, motherfucker, that I’m already for him... that he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and I’m making it work for him here, I almost pulled down the interior doors. I was scared that he was going to beat me up, but he flew out, slamming the front door to God knows where... I have no one to turn to, my parents are no longer alive, my brothers and sisters are gone, my cousins ​​are far away, they have families, children, grandchildren, but what about a friend? tell me. I don’t understand what I’m guilty of, what’s wrong with hearing a kind word from the person you live with just one in a day, isn’t that normal? I'm trying to adequately assess the situation and figure it out. If a person considers himself henpecked just because he takes into account his wife’s opinion, or calls her once a day, in my opinion this is not normal. Now it’s like I have to be on alert all the time, choose my words, what if I do something to shake his self-esteem again... This is not life - in constant tension, and the expectation that he will be “offended” again. At the same time, oddly enough, my husband is the breadwinner in the family, the head of the enterprise, I also earn money, but less, which seems normal. What's wrong and what should I do?

• Hello, Tasha.
  “I arrived, I said that I would call at least once a day, just like that, say hello, how are you... I didn’t even say anything else”
  With these words you unconsciously tried to make him feel guilty and they served as a trigger for his aggression. The husband may have already arrived in a bad mood or is subconsciously always ready for the next claims, and these words were enough to throw out aggression on you.
  “I don’t understand what I’m guilty of, what’s wrong with hearing a kind word from the person you live with just one in a day, isn’t that normal?” - Of course, you are right. But forcing a man to express his attention to you in this way is also wrong. You yourself can show attention, care towards your husband, speak kind words and tell him, if possible, when he is in a good mood, that you miss him and can barely restrain yourself from calling him when he is at work. During the conversation, monitor your spouse’s reaction so as not to aggravate the situation and switch the conversation to another topic in time.
  “Now I kind of have to be on alert all the time, choose my words, what if I do something to shake his self-esteem again... This is not life - in constant tension, and the expectation that he will be “offended” again.” Unfortunately, this happens very often. After all, men are very proud, vulnerable and touchy. And the key to a happy life in marriage is the ability to shut up in time.

Hello! In our family, unfortunately, the following situation has developed... I have an older brother (I am 25, my brother is 35 years old). My first memories of his manifestation of aggression are that he fought with his middle brother (he is now 33), but at that time I was still very young and it seemed to me that it brought him pleasure - to hurt his own brother. When I was about six years old, I remember how my brother hit my mother for the first time, he was chasing her to hit her, and was talking some kind of nonsense. At that time he played and sang at weddings, and naturally tried alcohol for the first time. When I was at school, I heard quarrels between my parents and my drunken brother, I was sent to another room and locked in just in case, you never know... And this “you never know” happened from time to time, my brother got into a fight with his sick father and mother... By the way - parents never! they didn’t fight, they quarreled occasionally, like all normal people, but dad or mom never allowed themselves too much.
Over the years, everything became even worse... My brother allowed me to give up on my mother, father, brother, wife... My father became weaker over the years, his illness affected him very much, but this did not stop his brother. Thanks to one of these blows, the middle brother developed a hemotoma in the abdominal cavity, which grew into a tumor, and he almost died. I know of an incident where he almost drowned his wife in the bathtub. Their child is sick with a brain tumor.
I can, of course, tell many more cases, but... He often drinks with friends, for them he is the life of the party, always cheerful, can make anyone laugh. At the same time, one cannot call him an alcoholic, since he conscientiously runs his own business and works hard. In a drunken state, it can start halfway, just look at it the wrong way. He only shows aggression towards his own people!!! When you try to talk to him about what happened, he doesn’t want to talk about it at all, because he doesn’t feel guilty at all. And often he doesn’t remember what he did at all, or simply pretends... He never asks for forgiveness for what he did. When you try to talk about the fact that he seriously offended his mother or did something else, he immediately breaks into a scream and screams to the last. He believes that he does everything, almost feeds and clothes everyone. Everything around is d... mo, and he is the “navel of the earth.” And all this comes out in a very loud monologue; if you try to object to him, you will hear the scream even louder.
I’ve been living in the capital for 7 years now and I don’t depend on anyone... My father recently died, my brother’s wife is pregnant with their second child, my mother lives in our parents’ house with my middle brother... But! I can’t live in peace, because I know that my older brother is tyrannizing everyone there! And he absolutely does not admit that he has problems with alcohol, and even more so with nerves or the psyche... And he does not admit it. I am very afraid for the health and emotional state of my loved ones, as he does not allow them to live in peace. But I can’t imagine how to deal with this problem, since my brother refuses the help of specialists... Please advise me something, because I’m in despair!

• Hello, Anastasia. According to the description, your older brother is very close to a representative of the excitable type of character accentuation. Which is characterized by instinctiveness and what the mind suggests is not taken into account by such a person, and the desire to satisfy momentary desires, needs, instinctive impulses becomes decisive.
  Knowing this, we can recommend to you and all your loved ones not to criticize him, not to touch his personality in conversations, not to discuss his actions, not to remind him of past mistakes. Since all efforts will be useless, and it will be quite easy to run into his high impulsiveness and irritability. Such people need to be tolerated if necessary, but generally in society communication with such people is avoided if they show their temper and do not restrain themselves.

Problem with mother. He constantly rushes at me, swears for no reason, threatens me with physical harm, and has even gone as far as assault. She starts yelling wildly out of nowhere, doesn’t want to listen to anyone, everyone is to blame for her, etc. Always judging those around me, literally looking for something to cling to and pouring it all out on me. He doesn’t make any contact when talking, he sees only one thing in everything: “you’re trying to contradict me, #@*#@???” and starts even more. There are moments of calm when he even tries to improve relations, but it all ends in reproaches and using everything he learns against me. These reproaches and scandals hit where it hurts. If suddenly a scandal begins because of some lost thing, then it doesn’t matter whether I’m to blame for it or not, I never apologize for empty attacks. What to do?? How to find an approach?? How to calm a hysterical person?

• Hello, Alina. It is recommended to eliminate attacks of anger by switching attention to something pleasant or distracting for the aggressor and, of course, not to provoke him, since the breakdown of negative emotions on the immediate environment is akin to a drug and they give the aggressor great pleasure.

Hello. Here's the problem I have. I’m 23. My father left early, although he fully participated in my brother’s and my upbringing, our childhood was difficult, it wasn’t easy for my mother to pull us along, and as a result, there was no love for the rest of the world, something like a child’s complex. I am extremely hot-tempered, an absolutely happy mood easily changes to an extremely hostile state, but I have never shown aggression towards strangers, only in case of protecting myself or my family. I work a lot, and this is associated with constant physical and moral stress, which is why I always lashed out at those around me (family, girlfriend, close friends). But recently everything has changed a lot. Now there is no aggression towards close people, I don’t lose my temper, I try to be softer, don’t get excited somewhere, I quickly calm down. BUT! As soon as I hear something addressed to me from a stranger, not necessarily an insult, any provocation, I suddenly have a feeling of HUGE hatred, it’s like adrenaline or a state before fainting, I can’t calm down until... but here it ends in different ways, but in most cases until my “enemy” is on the floor. And I understand later that I didn’t seem to hear anything particularly offensive addressed to me, but at that moment it felt like he was threatening me with death, and I couldn’t help but defend myself. Later I will realize and understand everything, but the feeling that I did everything right will not leave me, I cannot convince myself of this and no one can. By the way, now something else has appeared, in terms of intimacy, now the preference is more towards, well, let’s say not exactly, but a little towards rough intimacy, well, of course, not in relation to me, I have become a little rougher. No, my girlfriend likes it, of course, but I just noticed this in myself. And I’m writing all this only because for the first time I felt scared, not of consequences, not of responsibility, no, I became scared of myself, that I couldn’t control myself at the moment of aggression, I couldn’t calm down. Thank you for your help.

• Hello, Alexander. Most likely, you are characterized by an excitable type of character accentuation (an extreme version of the norm), which is expressed in weak control and insufficient controllability of your own drives and impulses. Therefore, it is very difficult for you to restrain yourself in a state of emotional excitement and not get irritated. There is no need to be afraid of your condition. Now you know that such a type exists, and you are one of it.
  Moral principles do not matter for this type, and in outbursts of anger there is an increase in aggressiveness, which is accompanied by an intensification of corresponding actions. The reactions of excitable individuals are impulsive. What is decisive for the behavior and lifestyle of such a person is not prudence, not the logical weighing of one’s actions, but desires, uncontrollable impulses.
  Therefore, we recommend avoiding extreme situations in which conflict is possible or situations where your behavior, business, or personal qualities are criticized.
  Your types prefer athletic sports, where they can release pent-up energy or aggression.
  “But recently things have changed a lot. Now there is no aggression towards close people, I don’t lose my temper, I try to be softer, not to get into trouble somewhere” - Gradually, with age, you will become softer. Of course, this will depend directly on your immediate environment, your social circle. A personality of your type often carefully chooses his social circle, surrounding himself with weaker ones in order to lead them.
  Try to get plenty of rest, don't overwork yourself, and avoid starting difficult tasks when you're in a bad mood or tired, as behavior problems may occur in such situations. Do not place high hopes and expectations on society. The world is not ideal and it cannot be changed. People tend not to “filter” their words, which mean a lot in life.
  Meditation, auto-training, yoga can help you find peace of mind and be more stress-resistant.

Hello. I have an atypical situation, I am dating a girl, she is 19 years old. We have been dating for about 2 years, she has a very difficult relationship with her mother and grandmother, there is no father, she always had quarrels with her mother, crazy hysterics, it even got to the point of assault, about a year ago she moved in with me. At the beginning of the relationship, when there were disagreements or even minor quarrels, she became uncontrollable, a stream of aggression, swearing, insults and humiliation addressed to me, although I myself never even called her a fool, let alone swearing. Always in a conflict I tried to calm down and find out the reason for this behavior, she always says that she cannot control herself, that after she does not express everything to me, only then she calms down, and it does not necessarily have to be our quarrel. She quarrels with her mother and takes her anger out on me, responds rudely and swears. After my threats to break off the relationship, she calmed down more or less, but during quarrels she still emanates a stream of obscenities, insults, etc. The last time in the shopping center, where she and I and my friend were, she started screaming across the entire floor at me because I didn’t wait for her and followed me and screamed all the way to the exit. Everyone turned to look at us, and she didn’t react in any way to my friend’s and my requests not to shout and to calm down. Another type of behavior is to run away from me through the streets, even in unfamiliar cities, where she can get lost. Even during quarrels, he sometimes threatens to kill himself, especially when I talk about breaking up. I was very tired of this and began to show defensive aggression towards her myself, began to respond to her scream with a scream, damaged furniture from aggression, and after I showed aggression, she quickly calmed down and was the first to make peace and ask for forgiveness.. Tell me if changes for the better are possible or should you think about breaking up?

• Hello, Ruslan. You need to stop the girl’s manipulation, because as soon as she realized that you were capable of counter-aggression, she got scared and changed her behavior pattern.
  Tell her directly that you understand the complexity of the situation regarding her loved ones and communication with them, but you will not allow you to be treated this way. Either she changes internally, learns self-control, signs up for yoga, goes to see a psychologist, independently studies her problem, or you will be forced to end such a relationship.
  “Even during quarrels, he sometimes threatens to kill himself, especially when I talk about breaking up.” “This is a skillful game of a neurotic manipulative, allowing him to achieve his goals. And you need to keep the priority of your interests in mind.
  Calmly ask her the question: what will you gain from it if you kill yourself? Who will benefit from this? Let her understand that you are not familiar with remorse and that your relationship with her has strengthened you internally, so you will not grieve for a long time, but will quickly find a replacement for her. Therefore, it may make sense for her to change, stop blackmailing you and start respecting you as a person.

  • Thank you very much for your answer, now the problem and the seriousness of the situation have become clearer to me, because I repeatedly told her about restraining myself, about a psychologist, about internal changes, she seemed to be trying to control herself at first, but after a while everything started again again , and if quarrels with hysterics already occur less frequently, but they are becoming more and more difficult, and to any of my arguments about her unreasonable aggression, that the conflict can be calmly resolved, she replies that I am so bad and brought her to such a state.. she tells me it seems she just doesn’t want to change and really sees that I’m succumbing to her manipulations, I’ll try to send her or go with her to a psychologist or psychotherapist, if there are no results, then apparently I’ll have to break off the relationship

    Again I turn to you, I tried to behave as you advised, when asked to go to a psychologist or psychotherapist, she laughs and says that she is not a psychopath, and an attempt to stop her manipulations, in particular ignoring her, led to her going out onto the 12th floor balcony and I blackmailed her that she would dump her, she is unbalanced, when I break up with her I am afraid that I might actually commit suicide, what can be done either in terms of referring her to a psychologist or in terms of a safe separation?

    • Either you can help her decide to seek help (exactly how to do this - you should know better, since you have been living with her for two years), or you will suffer from her inappropriate behavior the entire time you spend together... Without face-to-face help She definitely won’t need a specialist. There is simply nothing to add to what was written earlier without seeing the patient.

      You need to break up with her while there are no children. My daughter is almost the same and doesn’t want to change. If earlier she asked for forgiveness for bad behavior, so to speak, then over the years she began to believe that everyone in the family was to blame. Ruslan you can’t change her in any way, don’t waste time on her, life will be poisoned with such a girl. There should be peace and order in the house, love and minor quarrels (without them there is no way) and most importantly, find a girl so that you are drawn to her and so that you are not ashamed of her behavior.

      You need to break up with her while there are no children. My daughter is almost the same and doesn’t want to change. If earlier she asked for forgiveness for bad behavior, so to speak, then over the years she began to believe that everyone in the family was to blame. Ruslan, you can’t change her in any way, don’t waste time on her, life will be poisoned with such a girl. There should be peace and order in the house, love and minor quarrels (you can’t live without them), and most importantly, find a girl so that you are drawn to her and so that you are not ashamed of her behavior.

My husband and I have been together for 2 years. For the first six months, I was happy that a loving, attentive, affectionate man was with me, carried me in his arms, and blew away specks of dust. There were, of course, quarrels, but minor ones. The only thing that always amazed me was that during the conflict he could say such words to me that it’s difficult to even describe. But she didn’t pay much attention to it. The first time he laid his hand on me was after drinking enough alcohol. It was unbearable. I was in a closed room for 3 hours, he beat me, then he took a knife and cut my dress on me, broke a bottle on my head, after which I was already unconscious. I woke up on the balcony in a pool of blood. Seeing that I had regained consciousness, he literally ordered me to wash myself and lie down to sleep next to him. I started to get hysterical, he started beating me again. At some point, the neighbors started breaking down the door and I managed to escape, wrapped in a blanket, and left. I don’t know how, but I forgave him after a couple of months. And everything repeated itself, only the next time he tortured me for several days until the police intervened. But with our laws, there will be real punishment only when he kills. I can only say one thing, all this continues over and over again. I turned into a dog and I know that I will forgive him again. I know it's my fault, but maybe there is a way to cure it. I'm afraid that he will kill me soon. Tell me what can be done!!?

• Taisiya, you and only you can make yourself happy. Only you can change your life. You are now a victim, you need to urgently contact a specialist if you yourself are not capable. And my advice is to RUN AWAY from this asshole!!! As quickly as possible! I hope you don't have children. Go to your mother, to your friend, there are centers for women who find themselves in difficult situations, or even to the train station! He will always beat you because you endured it! You cannot fight back, leave, run away. But I’m sure you can do it if you want it yourself. Change your life once and for all. And finally stop being a victim. Good luck to you!

How to cope with the aggression of a 9-year-old child with epilepsy. The girl doesn’t want to do her homework, she starts throwing everything, screaming, and may hit her mother. There is no way to deal with it, just trouble. What should we do, please help.

• Hello, Nadezhda. In your case with your daughter, we recommend that you consult a child psychologist. After talking with both you and the girl, the specialist will be able to establish the reasons for aggressive behavior and tell you how to more effectively achieve the desire to learn.

  • Thanks, we think we can try it too. Only I'm a grandmother. My daughter is already exhausted with her. The granddaughter takes Depakine, there are no attacks, and her character has become aggressive during the treatment. And when will this all get better?

My husband and I lived together for 5 years. We are 25 years apart. I am now 39, he is 64. Signs of aggression began to appear after the first 3 months. It seemed to me that it was my fault, I tried to talk, understand the reason and not do it again. Sometimes this was expressed in a furious scream (very, very strong, impossible to convey), sometimes in silence from 2 days to 10-15. As a result, I was always the first to make peace. Over the course of 5 years, similar situations occurred once a month. (on average) The husband never once considered himself guilty the whole time. Moreover, he punished. You don’t know how to behave, I’m going on vacation for the New Year alone. So out of 5 New Year holidays, 2 times I celebrated the New Year at home alone. At the same time, I tried to react differently to his hyper/or or long silence. And I screamed back at first (this turned out to be the most ineffective) and calmly tried to explain how I felt and left for a day or two. Once at the airport we were flying on vacation, I went to the toilet and lingered a little, screaming like mad for about 10 minutes, people began to gather around. I managed to stop only when I said that either you stop or I’m not going. Then on vacation I was silent for 2 weeks. I went separately. The last breakup was because he screamed when I told him what I bought at the grocery store. He yelled that he didn’t want to listen to this, the topic was closed. I tried to justify myself, causing him to go into rage. In the end, I said that I couldn’t listen to this anymore. And she left. He said, well, I went to... A month later he called and brought me my things from his dacha. And he said that if you apologize, I will forgive you. I came back 1 day later and apologized. And he said, you have a scandal on your tongue all the time, you can’t stop in time as always, I signaled to you to stop, but you don’t hear what they say to you. In general, I go on vacation alone in the summer, but the second autumn vacation is still in question. And we also had tickets to the theater, he said that he wasn’t going to go there alone, he didn’t go alone, and so on. since I may not have time at all. I couldn't stand it and left forever. 3 days have passed. It’s hard, I’m in a lot of pain. I’m trying to calm myself down, maybe he’s not normal?

• Hello, Irina. It is clear that your husband has an unstable psyche and is dependent on periodic manifestations of aggression. It doesn’t matter whether it’s you or another wife, he will behave the same way.
  You did everything right by leaving, I don’t understand why you are suffering? In a relationship, he is the tyrant, and you are the victim, and this will always be the case.

  • I suffer because I know that I myself am responsible for everything that happens to me. So I’m trying to understand whether EVERYTHING was done on my part. And also, I love him very much, every finger, every hair... But I understand that I will soon become disabled if I stay. It’s better to “die” once than to do it endlessly. When he quarreled with me, it was like being thrown into hell: “you stop breathing and feeling.”

    I printed out your answer, I’m re-reading it, it becomes a little easier.
    THANK YOU.

My sister and I have a mother born in 1927. She almost lost her memory. She doesn’t recognize some of her loved ones, doesn’t understand where she lives, can’t understand that her husband (our father) died and plus her illness. My sister takes care of my mother. After the death of her father, her sister does not leave her mother. She quit her job and sleeps with her mother in the same room. She is a doctor, a nurse and a nanny for parents. Look for such daughters. And even before her illness, her mother doted on her. But now everything has turned into a continuous nightmare. It was as if a demon had possessed the mother. She does everything in defiance, picks on food, doesn’t want to take medications, calls her sister names we’ve never heard from her, has already tried to hit her several times and has bitten her twice. My sister also has health problems. WHAT TO DO? How to reduce mom's aggressiveness. You have to hide your knives, but you can’t foresee everything.

• Hello, Yuri. In your case with your mother, you need to seek help from a psychotherapist.

Many parents, trying to eradicate any hint of the existence of aggression in their child, most often deal with superficial symptoms and ignore the root of the problem. As a result, the situation worsens even more.

Causes of childhood aggression

It is quite clear to many parents what “conditions suitable for the upbringing and development of a child” are: the child must be fed on time, clothed, shod, provided with clubs/teachers, etc. Such a concept as “lack of parental love and care” is puzzling.

Meanwhile, many children experience a lack of love in the family due to the parent’s inattention to the wishes of the child himself, as well as due to numerous quarrels between parents, divorce, illness or death of one of the parents, and due to physical and/or psychological abuse.

The child, in pursuit of parental love, uses physical force against younger and weaker brothers and sisters, or puts psychological pressure on them in order to assert themselves. Later, he will learn to apply the new skills he has acquired among his peers.

How does childhood aggression manifest itself at different ages?

Over time, in the process of upbringing, the child learns to cope with internal aggression using psychological defense mechanisms, such as sublimation, expressing his aggression on paper, or projection, transferring internal aggression to others and perceiving them as aggressive people, etc. Or it can transform aggression into constructive activity.

So, in an attempt to avoid aggression, your child suddenly begins to actively clean the house, selflessly learn a new piece on a musical instrument, play sports, etc.

In early childhood, aggressive behavior is considered normal, but with age it becomes unacceptable. The child must learn to express his feelings in words, and young aggressors become professionals in the epistolary genre. Physical aggression smoothly transforms into psychological attacks. Already from the age of 10, a frequent form of aggression in schools towards a child is boycott.

Types of childhood aggression

An example of such hidden aggression at a young age could be problematic behavior with peers: the desire to subjugate another, the inability to come to a common decision, reluctance to study, do homework, encopresis (fecal incontinence), casual phrases about not wanting to live, stomach/head pain (although tests carried out at the clinic show that the child is healthy).

In adolescence, hidden aggression manifests itself in the fact that a guy or girl finds it difficult to build healthy relationships with peers, experiences bouts of jealousy, and is unable to respect the desires and decisions of another person.

Trying to cope with internal tension, a teenager may begin to use not entirely healthy methods of coping in an attempt to “forget.” Alcohol, drugs, early sexual activity, cuts on body parts, and anorexia are used. Disappointment, resentment and dissatisfaction not spoken out loud can lead to the development of depression.

Does a certain parenting style influence children's aggression?

I remember a joke:

In Dr. Freud's office.
- Doctor, my son is just some kind of sadist: he kicks animals, frameskicks the elderly, tears off the wings of butterflies and laughs!
- How old is he? - 4 years.
- In that case, there’s nothing to worry about, it will pass soon,
and he will grow up to be a kind and polite person.
- Doctor, you calmed me down, thank you very much.
- You're welcome, Frau Hitler...

Different families have different parenting styles. Some parents set too strict boundaries, they do not know how to communicate with the child, and the goal of education is complete control and obedience. Trying to be a good boy or a good girl at home, the child is forced to express all his dissatisfaction in the kindergarten or at school, often in an aggressive form.

There are parents, on the contrary, who are overly sensitive to their children, often listen to them, are afraid of offending the child’s feelings, so as not to injure them, God forbid.

Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult for such parents to set boundaries in their upbringing and limit their child. The inability of such parents to build boundaries and permissiveness lead to the child feeling stronger than his own parents, that he can do anything, and begins to show aggression towards his parent/brothers/sisters and towards peers.

In families with two or more children, parents can probably remember that having given birth to a younger one, they do not always have the strength and time to care for the older one. But, if parents systematically ignore and do not notice the older child, then he begins to feel “transparent” (children’s statement). And in order not to experience this heavy internal tension, the child’s behavior becomes impulsive, aggressive, with frequent mood swings. Thus, according to the children, “THEY ARE SEEN.”

The correct parenting strategy is that parents openly show love with words, gestures, affection, are interested in the lives of their children, are sensitive, notice if something happens to the child and try to console him. These parents control their children, but also know how to trust. A child who grows up in a family with healthy communication will use aggression only for self-defense. He will be able to express any dissatisfaction in an open form, in words.

Aggression towards parents: reasons and what to do?

Don't wait for the situation to escalate; stop unwanted behavior immediately. How do you know when exactly to stop unwanted behavior? Believe me, you will feel it yourself. As soon as the child’s behavior causes you discomfort, you as a parent are obliged to stop it with the words: “This is unpleasant for me” or “I do not intend to continue the conversation in this form,” etc.

Respect yourself and by doing this you will teach your child to be sensitive to the needs of other people and to respect their personal space. A child who has been taught to respect his family members will definitely treat people around him and outside the family with respect.

Aggression towards peers: causes and what to do?

A family therapist, observing the dynamics of family relationships, is able to diagnose the problem and find an appropriate solution.

Differences in aggressiveness between boys and girls

In the process of evolution, girls learned to use not physical, but verbal aggression, including intrigue and manipulation. Very rarely are boys the organizers of a boycott; usually this is the prerogative of girls.

Does childhood aggression go away with age?

An adult who does not know how to properly conflict and express his disagreement will subconsciously express his internal aggression towards his husband/wife through increased jealousy and/or an affair. This person is not able to respect the wishes of another person and will actively impose his opinion and his will.

At work, this can be expressed in intrigue, manipulation of others, or abuse of power.

How to correct a child's aggression? What should parents of an aggressive child do?

Learn to talk to your child. Explain that when he is angry, he can throw out his aggression on an inanimate object (pillow, mattress).

Enroll your child in a sports section for healthy expression of aggression. It is advisable that the child choose it himself.

Hug your child more often, show your love and care. Teach your child to talk: about his joy, about his pain, about his experiences. A child who receives psychological support from his parents is able to verbally express his feelings. He won't have to express aggression in other ways.

What to do if one of the spouses has a short temper, or, in other words, is angry? How to get along with such a spouse, understand whether anger is justified or not, overcome fear and anxiety in the family, what line of behavior to choose, tell the rector of the shchmch temple. Antipas priest Dimitry Roshchin and clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences Evgenia Zotkina.

- Why does anger arise in a person? Why are some people more susceptible to this than others? Is it about upbringing or chemical processes in the body?

Evgenia Zotkina: First, let's figure out what anger is from a psychological point of view. This is a certain emotional state that implies aggressiveness and anger. Anger is especially strong when a person is in a state of passion. Such a reaction can occur in a person if, in the process of activity or communication, events that occur do not coincide with expectations. There is a negative reaction to the inability to get pleasure, frustration, and aggression becomes a reaction to it.

There is open aggression and hidden aggression. In everyday life, people use open forms of aggression, such as anger.

Aggressive people are people, as a rule, with wounded vanity, ambition, who believe that they are underestimated, they were not given something, and they deserve more and better.

There are also hidden forms of aggression:

• defensive-active,
• defensive-passive.

If a child is the idol of the whole family, then he grows up to be a little tyrant. He is used to having his desires always satisfied, and if he receives a refusal, he gets angry and throws a fit - this is an active position.

If a child has been suppressed by parents or society, he cannot throw out his aggression outside and accumulates it inside. Such a person, when he grows up, gives off a vague, inarticulate, unspoken and very painful feeling. Often such a person begins to remember some sad stories, accidents, and negativity is felt in the conversation.

In general, the modern environment and culture are very aggressive, and not only in our country, but throughout the world. Residents of big cities constantly experience frustration; many lack a calm, joyful perception of the world. Now there is a global aestheticization of evil; in our time, evil is the norm.

After all, why are films about cops, bandits, and murders popular? People have a need to watch all these horrors. And when a person cannot correctly regulate his need for aggression, this means that his personality structure is disturbed. Fear is a provocateur of reactions of aggression and anger.

There is a loss of attachment, a feeling of being squeezed out of this world - and anger becomes a kind of deformed defensive reaction, which also manifests itself in sympathy for the aggressors. Many people admire Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet. Worship of aggressors is identification with the aggressor. A person cannot resist some events in life, change some things to some extent due to social factors; a person gets used to his own social helplessness and believes that nothing depends on him.

— What should a husband or wife do if the other half often gets angry?

Evgenia Zotkina: In men, aggression is instrumental, it is used to achieve a goal.

In women, aggression is expressive: she feels bad and starts screaming.

And if one screams and the other endures, then the second partner is a silent accomplice in such a relationship.

Sometimes it happens that spouses will yell at each other in the morning, and in the evening they come home as if nothing had happened - no one is offended, they no longer remember what happened in the morning. If this happens and no one really takes offense at each other, then it’s not scary.

If the dishes in the house don’t break, but the wife constantly mumbles and comments displeasedly about how her husband scattered his things, how he eats, how he sleeps, etc., this is hidden aggression. If a person feels good with his spouse, then they are unlikely to spoil each other’s mood for such insignificant reasons - such couples intuitively protect each other. Constant dissatisfaction with a partner destroys relationships much more than any single emotional shots or outbursts of anger.

A person understands very well where and how he can behave, where he can throw out his anger and where not. If the wife reacts to her husband’s aggressive attacks as unacceptable, and the husband values ​​his wife, he will try not to do that again. A person, in fact, can control a lot. An outburst of anger can be extinguished, or it can be inflated. For example, at work a person cannot show his aggression, but at home he wants to and yells, and you are already a hero. We must always remember that a person behaves the way he is allowed to behave.

Dimitri: First we need to talk about where this passion comes from. Anger is always born of pride. Just as pride is full of lies, so anger is full of lies. (The exception is “righteous anger”). Every passion must be opposed by its opposite virtue.

Since a family is a single whole, if one half of the family is sick with some kind of illness, in this case anger, then the other half must show meekness in a special way, because meekness is the opposite of anger. And thus win, because the fight is for the common good. This, however, applies to any family illness - if one part is sick, the other must fight to maintain health in this particular aspect, because we save each other.

But meekness can be shown for the time being. It all depends on the extent to which a person is willing to endure, on the current situation in the family. If a person is constantly being beaten and is no longer able to endure it, then he should avoid living together for a while and see what effect this will have. If a path to reconciliation is found, go back. And if this condition does not go away, then you need to further decide what to do about it, whether it is possible to stay in the family.

— If a person is aware of his aggression and suffers from it, what can be recommended to him?

Evgenia Zotkina: Stress and anger are very well relieved by physical activity. Anything: walk up and down the stairs, do squats, do some physical work - and it will become easier.

In general, a healthy person is able to control his emotions. Of course, when a person is angry, deep inner work is happening inside him, it is difficult, and it is easier to shout or break something. But it is important to ask yourself a question in time: how much is the person in front of me really to blame for my rage? If a person learns to correctly analyze his emotions, it will be easier for him to cope with them.

Father Dimitri: The main task of a person who is angry is not to let his anger out. Let it rage within him, but a person must literally grit his teeth, bite his tongue and do everything possible to prevent this passion from rising. If he learns to catch these states, then with this exercise he will be able to lower this anger deeper and deeper until it ceases to be born at all. But it's very difficult. You need to be attentive to yourself, make it your task to fight this passion. If a person takes care of himself in one thing, it is absolutely certain that he will take care of himself in everything else.

— If children show signs of temper, how to deal with it?

Evgenia Zotkina: Children become hot-tempered due to a strong information field that overstimulates the child’s psyche. The child’s psyche cannot cope with the incoming barrage of information, while the parents themselves are restless and anxious, and anxiety creates in the child a feeling of an unsafe environment.

There is a crisis in the family and a huge gap between generations. Parents have no time for their children: they get tired at work, come home nervous, and since children are now very active, overexcited, emotional, with increased motor skills, they quickly master gadgets and shooters. The child begins to play murder and understands that all issues can be resolved with the help of force. Children love more the one who plays with them, and since they spend most of their time on the computer, they lose touch with their parents. Dad and mom cease to be role models and authorities; they are replaced by the fruits of mass culture.

To prevent such a situation in the family, parents should devote as much time as possible to their children, talk with them, and answer questions. A child should feel that his home is his fortress, and that no matter what he does, he will always be accepted and supported there. This is the most important thing parents can give their child.

Father Dimitri: Using your power, prohibit the child from entering an aggressive state, stop him, explain that this is wrong - stop all attempts. Isolate, put in a corner - in general, bring to life in accordance with the degree to which anger manifests itself. It seems to me that children who get angry easily have learned this from adults. There may be some exceptions, but, as a rule, the child finds everything within the family. Therefore, you need to look at yourself first.

Ekaterina Vorobyova
Anna Berseneva

Discussion

Anger is quite natural. The question is how to control it. You need to exercise self-control. Love is the key to happiness, but love is not just emotions or feelings. This is a principle of behavior, an inner core that can withstand any difficulties in order to save the family.

Of course, I won’t read it, there’s a clear blizzard there for sure, but I can give advice - beat it. Outbursts of rage are a manifestation of promiscuity. At work, in the presence of superiors, everyone can control themselves. Everyone who is not in a mental hospital, of course.

I don’t understand the screaming, breaking dishes, fighting with a rolling pin at all.
For what?
if there is love, then there should be no desire to fight, and if there is no love, then is it worth living with such a person?
We also disagree about enduring anger inside ourselves with clenched teeth!
Another question is how to pour it out)

Comment on the article "Anger: how to get along with an aggressive husband or wife"

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There is no doubt that most parents love their children and want the best for them. Selflessly caring for children, they are often ready to sacrifice their comforts and pleasures for the sake of what can be useful to the child or bring him joy. And, of course, it is easy to imagine the reaction of most mothers and fathers if someone stranger - a neighbor, a nanny, or even a teacher - tried to hit their child or somehow offend him.

Despite all this, many parents themselves are capable of raising their hands against their child, or at least do not categorically exclude such a possibility.

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Aggressive behavior in the family.....

There is no doubt that most parents love their children and want the best for them. Selflessly caring for children, they are often ready to sacrifice their comforts and pleasures for the sake of what can be useful to the child or bring him joy. And, of course, it is easy to imagine the reaction of most mothers and fathers if someone stranger - a neighbor, a nanny, or even a teacher - tried to hit their child or somehow offend him.

Despite all this, many parents themselves are capable of raising their hands against their child, or at least do not categorically exclude such a possibility.

The nature of the relationship between the child and parents plays a major role in early school age. At this age, the child, due to his age characteristics, cannot resist or protect himself from negative parental influences

Research shows that the main reason for parents' dissatisfaction with their children and, as a result, slapping, swearing, and beating them is dissatisfaction with the child's educational activities. Only 38.5 parents praise their children for doing homework.

Research also shows that among the motives for cruel treatment of children, 50% of parents note: “the desire to educate”, slightly less than 30% - “revenge for the fact that the child brings grief, asks for something, demands something.” In more than 10% of cases, cruelty becomes an end in itself - screaming for the sake of screaming, beating for the sake of beating.

We will talk about the behavior of good, loving parents who are not in a situation of acute stress.

So, I will name the most common “springs” of aggressive behavior in adults.

General mental and physical exhaustion caused by fatigue, poverty, constant stress, a long-term illness of a child or one’s own illness. Adoptive parents also often fall into this category during the period of adaptation of the child to the family, because this is a very energy-consuming process;

Automatic reproduction of the behavior model of one's own parents. Even if they are generally dissatisfied with this model and would like to get rid of it, alternative models take root with difficulty, since they require constant control by the mind;

Anxiety, suspiciousness, constant fear that something will happen to the child; the desire to prevent any troubles and suffering for him, often associated with the inability to tolerate the crying of a child;

A strong, although vague, feeling of guilt is not entirely clear to whom; fantasies that others will judge, punish, and perhaps take away the child.

Unfortunately, there are still many parents who seek the obedience of their children through physical punishment. Parents who hit their children believe that they are raising them that way. In reality, by resorting to brute physical force in education, they only prove their complete inconsistency, their inability to find a reasonable way to influence the child.

The temporary “success” that parents sometimes achieve through beatings—forced repentance or obedience of the child—is bought at a high price. “Doctors know of cases where beatings caused nervous diseases in children. But the most serious harm of physical punishment is that it humiliates the child, convinces him of his own powerlessness before his elders, gives rise to cowardice, and embitters him.

The child loses self-confidence and self-respect, he loses, therefore, those precious qualities that parents must especially carefully and lovingly cultivate in the child, because nothing is so important for proper development as the child’s faith in his own abilities and a sense of respect for yourself, a sense of respect and trust in an adult.

No measure of punishment, no form of punishment should humiliate the child’s personality.

The trouble for parents is that they only see the results immediately following physical punishment, and do not see the deep, hidden damage that beatings cause to a child. Such upbringing and attitude on the part of adults leads to the development of cowardice, deceit in the child, the emergence of guilt complexes, fear and the appearance of unmotivated aggression. Which leads to various deformations in the formation of personality, the formation of inadequate self-esteem, etc. Only upbringing in a family where the child is loved, where he is surrounded by a warm, fair environment, leads to the fact that he grows up pleasant to the people around him.

Main forms of child abuse:

physical violence –intentional infliction of physical harm on a child. These injuries can lead to death. Cause serious physical or mental impairment or developmental delays.

Sexual violence or corruption -involvement of a child, with or without his consent, whether consciously or unconsciously due to age-related immaturity, or other reasons, in sexual relations with adults in order for the latter to obtain benefit, satisfaction or to achieve selfish goals.

Sexual violence refers to cases of sexual acts if they were committed with the use of threat or physical force, and also if they were committed with the use of threat or physical force, and also if the age difference between the perpetrator and the victim is at least 3-4 years.

Mental (emotional abuse) –periodic, long-term or constant mental influence of parents, leading to the development of pathological character traits or inhibiting the development of his personality (constant criticism of the child, threats against him, presentation of increased demands that do not correspond to the child’s age, etc.).

This form of violence includes:

• open rejection and constant criticism of the child
• threats against a child, manifested in verbal form without physical violence
• insult and humiliation of a child's dignity
• deliberate physical or social isolation of a child
• making demands on the child. Regardless of age or ability
• lies and failure of adults to keep promises
• a single gross mental impact that caused mental trauma in a child, etc.

Neglect of a child's needs (moral cruelty) -lack of basic care on the part of parents for the child, as a result of which his emotional state is disturbed and a threat to his health or development appears.

pattern of parental abuse of children: