Always blaming. Why You Should Stop Blaming Others Immediately

We respond correctly to false accusations against us.

Due to various circumstances, we are periodically subjected to verbal attacks.
When the accusations are unexpected, we feel awkward, we are not protected, and therefore we panic, and we can no longer control our behavior as we would in a calm state.
And we panic because we know little about human psychology, we know little about the world.
We often accept other people's rules of play without knowing them. As they say, if a person agrees to play by rules that he does not know, he is a loser.
The first thing you should do in a situation where you hear false accusations against you is to maintain composure and inner calm. You are innocent - that's the main thing. Everything else is trifles.
Secondly, you cannot resist the accuser by acting chaotically. It is necessary to think through every word. Wrong words can cause you great harm.
And then you need to act based on the severity of the charges, the strength of psychological pressure, the damage that may be caused to you, the responsibility that you will have to bear, etc.
If a person wants to find out some information from you, then you can react adequately - give the person what he wants to know.
If a person is irritated and deliberately suppresses your personality, then you can react in the same way.
You need to defend yourself, but the method of repelling a psychological attack (pressure) is chosen each time based on the specific situation.
The best option is humor, irony, sarcasm, if you have the appropriate mood and energy. If you yourself are currently in a difficult situation or upset (for example, someone in the family is sick), then you will not be able to handle this method. You can be ironic when you yourself are in a cheerful mood.
By the way, you can fight back with words spoken in a different intonation. This method also works.

In any case, a psychological attack on you is just an episode in your life, and an interesting and incomprehensible life. If you approach this issue philosophically, then coping with your condition will be very simple. If you are in a difficult situation and you cannot fend off verbal attacks now, then think about whether it is worth wasting your health and energy on people who behave impolitely and aggressively. Connect with others who behave differently.
Of course, it’s better to put the person in his place, but if this doesn’t work yet, don’t worry. Over time, all situations resolve themselves.
The methods “the best defense is an attack”, “break the situation”, “hold your position”, “don’t make excuses”, “don’t give in” also work, but you need to understand well what kind of person is in front of you. Sometimes, gestalt is the best way to resolve a situation peacefully.

Let's talk a little about humiliating and insulting situations, about situations that are extremely unpleasant, and also ridiculous or, as they are also called, idiotic.

Who didn't fall into them?!

My friend (I don’t know a person more honest and pure than her) told me about how her neighbors in her student dormitory accused her of stealing money and some expensive cosmetics. The logic of these girls was simple: all the rest are from “normal”, that is, wealthy, families, and Natasha is from a poor family with many children - who else if not her?..

I myself will never forget how the trolleybus conductor suspected me of some cunning trick, with the help of which I supposedly got a ticket from him for free: “I only realized now that you took the ticket, but didn’t give me the money.” The conductor talked to me like a tough guy talking to a bandit. The words “rubbish”, “scum” and “scam” rained down on me as if from a cornucopia. The worst thing is that some passengers rushed to take his side. It is very common for a person, by the way, even when the conflict does not concern him personally, to take the side of the “strong,” that is, the aggressor.

One young man I know, in a hot summer in a dacha area, bought apples from his grandmother and had the imprudence to walk with this purchase past orchards guarded by a private Cossack agency. For some reason, the slightly tipsy Cossack women decided that a passerby had stolen the apples from the orchard entrusted to them, and did not listen to any counter-arguments. They intended to tie the young man to the fence, hanging a prepared “Thief” sign on his chest, and keep it like that until sunset (an already proven, apparently punitive practice). The only thing that saved the guy was that his uncle worked in the prosecutor’s office and one of the overly zealous guards knew this uncle well, which sobered him up.

This also includes completely unfounded police detentions, which I, as a journalist, have written about many times; endless conflicts in self-service stores; "attacks" from neighbors due to a broken pipe... Some of these situations are less dramatic than those described above, but also unpleasant. Others are tragicomic... It’s hardly worth retelling them here one after another. Let's start by asking questions of a psychological nature.

How do we cope with such troubles? Are we becoming their hostages for the rest of our lives? Isn’t fear, depression, a feeling of powerlessness, defenselessness “prescribed” in us?..

Do we know how to behave correctly in such situations, without harming ourselves? Are we able to maintain external calm (and it is absolutely necessary) and what is commonly called human? This also happens: out of fear, out of aggressive pressure, out of the impossibility (as it seems) to protect himself, a person admits to a theft that he did not commit. Or, at best, he gives away money that he doesn’t actually owe to anyone, essentially becoming a victim of extortion.

Do we find the strength within ourselves, do we have the courage to seek truth, justice, and someday the punishment of our offenders? An uncle at the prosecutor's office or a journalist's ID in their purse - not everyone has them, but almost everyone has a feeling of encroaching lawlessness and personal defenselessness...

As for my own behavior in the trap situations that came my way, I myself assessed it differently: from a four to a two. More than once I scolded myself: “As a journalist, I must teach others how to behave in such conflicts, but you yourself don’t know how!” And then a sad counter-voice was heard inside: “It’s easier to teach others, but when you get there yourself, and even so unexpectedly...”

What should we do with such situations in our lives, how to comprehend them, what conclusions to draw from them? And in general, why are they given to us? The last question is no longer psychological, like the previous ones, but Christian.

I will do as usual: first I will try to look for the answer myself, clinging to my fragmentary and superficial knowledge of Orthodox literature, and then I will turn to the priest.

As for literature: an ordinary prayer book, which any believer has, is an amazing, rich, deep textbook of Christian life. How many meanings there are in it, how many arrows pointing the way to the Truth! For me personally, one of the most important was this passage in the evening prayer of St. Macarius the Great: “... because I was lazy to please You and did nothing good, You brought me to the end of this passing day, the conversion and salvation of my soul...”

Looking back at the passing day, you realize that, although you worked all day, to please at the same time he was really lazy; and that the Heavenly Father, despite all this laziness of yours, coached you like an infinitely patient teacher of a stupid schoolboy, again and again putting you in situations that did not allow you to fall asleep, forcing you to feel for spiritual support and make a choice.

But how difficult it is to learn to perceive your own life with all its ups and downs - that’s exactly it. Like the endless fuss of the Creator with you, undiligent and unsuccessful. This is especially difficult when the Teacher uses, let’s say, methods that are unpleasant and harsh for us. When we fall into traps like the ones described above.

As has already been said, we do not always know how to behave correctly in these intertwined situations. This is a problem. Well, what if we still try to perceive any such situation as a lesson assigned to us by God Himself?.. As an exercise aimed at overcoming cowardice, at increasing trust in the Creator?

Everything happens according to the will of God. So that's how it should be. Who needs it? You. You can't understand why? And who promised you that you would understand everything right away? Once you thank the Lord for what happened from the bottom of your heart, then you will perhaps take the first step towards understanding. Do you remember the Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Thessalonians: “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thess. 5:18)? Do you remember the prayer of the Optina elders? - “In all unforeseen cases, do not let me forget that everything was sent down by You...”

God does not send trials beyond our strength. He knows what's wrong with you. We can say that He has His finger on the pulse of the situation. But a lot depends on you. Pray, do not doubt His help, the intercession of the Most Holy Theotokos, do not lose your presence of mind. Remember how many times saints became victims of slander, victims of wild, dirty accusations and perceived this as being sent for their good.

It seems to me that a person with a similar mindset has a much greater chance of emerging victorious from a humiliating situation, subsequently achieving justice and overcoming the consequences of psychological trauma. This is an earthly blessing, this is a necessary consolation for us, weak people who are far from spiritual heights. But we still receive it as a result of spiritual tension that is feasible for us.

In general, everything is correct: we need these shake-ups so that, as stated in the prayer of Macarius the Great, contacted, turned their gaze to Him, were drawn to Him, grew spiritually; and as we grow up, we gain the ability, the ability to get out of these traps.

By the way, about that friend of mine, Natasha. She has been a believer since childhood, although at that difficult moment - the moment of the slander that fell upon her - she was not Orthodox: she maintained contact with one of the Protestant denominations. And sometimes you can learn something good from Protestants. Natasha said this: “I began to pray, and the more I prayed, the calmer I became, and they, these girls, somehow became quiet, as if they were embarrassed... And the next day they behaved with me as if nothing had happened. Of course, this offended me - at least they apologized... But I realized: if I now try to sort things out with them, they will again begin to blame me, not for this, but for something else - just so as not to be guilty themselves. And I decided to just stay away from them.” (Natasha is a person with a difficult childhood and became wise before her time - already in her youth.)

However, it’s time for me to seek advice from a priest.

Not only do they come to me, but I myself have been in such situations a thousand times,” answers the rector of the Vladimir Church in Saratov, Priest Mikhail Bogatyrev. “It’s really painful when you’re accused of something you didn’t even think about, something you couldn’t do in principle.” For example, when you unscrew the light bulbs in the entrance...

To this day I remember the first time this happened to me - in kindergarten. I was four or five years old, and I was accused of an ordinary childish disgrace that was not committed by me at all. I couldn't resist, I was completely crushed and admitted that I did it. Then it turned out that it wasn’t me, but no one, of course, even thought to apologize to me. And then, in my life, this happened more than once, and I made the following conclusion for myself: we should not have tragic reactions to such accusations. You know you didn't do it and God knows it. You did not commit this sin before Him - that’s the main thing. And the people who accuse you don’t need your excuses. They do not carry out this kind of arbitrary investigation in order to find the truth. The truth doesn't matter to them at all. They don't care whether you did it or not. They have a need to humiliate and bully another person. For this they need a reason. Their behavior may be associated with an inferiority complex, inferiority, envy - a person who envies can not only throw mud at the person he envies, but also others - he doesn’t care.

It is necessary in time to switch from human judgment to God’s judgment and say: Lord, You know everything - and Thy will be done

Of course, people's nervous systems are different. Some will give up and forget, but for others it is truly a lifelong trauma. But here it is important to understand: if you get bogged down in sorting out relationships with these people, at least mentally, your whole life will pass you by. You will have to prove something to them all your life. And by proving that you are not a camel, you are slowly convincing yourself that you are a camel - at least in someone’s eyes. And thus you become dependent on the accusation. That's why it's scary, it's dangerous - making excuses for something you didn't do. It is necessary in time to switch from human judgment to and say: Lord, You know everything - and Thy will be done. That's enough. Essentially this means staying healthy mentally and whole spiritually.

- But is it really easy to switch?

Personally, I always assume that I have something to live for. There is something and someone to think about, something to do. I try to work for results, and I don’t want to be distracted by some extraneous things. Losing the precious time God has given us to achieve results is a sin. Let us remember the parable of the talents (see: Matt. 25: 14-30). You need to work, increasing the talent given by the Lord, and then someone suddenly interferes with you, and while you are dealing with him, you don’t notice how you are losing your spiritual vertical and find yourself in two-dimensional space, on a plane. And you can no longer do anything for God. But the end result of your work is always a spiritual result. And this is not your personal goal. This is the goal that God has given you. This means that it is important to many people.

- From your point of view, therefore, there is no need to seek justice?

Justice is with God. My life experience tells me: after some time after such unfounded accusations, the truth will always come out somewhere. I experienced this more than once before I said: Lord, Thy will be done.

Father, but you still need to forgive them, these offenders of ours, otherwise you will really get stuck in a chronic conflict with them. Can you do it?

I generally don’t know how to hold a grudge against people. I may be offended, but the offense will not last long. I have had very difficult cases in my life when I was completely betrayed. But then, after some time, listening to my own soul, I became convinced that I had no complaints against these people. There is no anger, much less a feeling of revenge. Of course, I will not sit at the table with them in a friendly manner; I have no desire to communicate with them at all - if only because it is associated with unpleasant memories. But if I know that they are in trouble, I will do everything to help them out. And I will never reproach them for this later.

I listen to Father Michael and little by little I get rid of all neurotic doubts about the simple truth: all these humiliating, offensive, ridiculous, idiotic situations of ours were given to us by our Father and Teacher for the sake of conversion and our souls. And we wish we had less lazy to please .

A fool blames others;
The smart one blames himself;
The wise man does not blame anyone.

Judas Gabirol. Pearl placer

Blame as a personality quality is a tendency, under any set of circumstances, to believe that others are to blame for everything; to blame, to consider wrong, to condemn for something, to reproach for something.

The husband returns from a business trip, the wife tumbles in bed with the man. Everything is one hundred percent obvious. The wife comes out of the bedroom and says: “Well, now dirty hints and vile accusations will begin again.”

Accusation, once his inflated ego is hurt, with enviable consistency, he unreasonably accuses everyone and everything of all mortal sins. What he doesn't have is self-criticism. But there is a powerful justification mechanism, inflated self-esteem and excessive ambition. The accuser does not want to accept the thought from the Bible (New Testament): “Before accusing, try to justify.”

The accusation takes advantage of the fact that life gives a lot of reasons for accusations and sometimes it is extremely difficult to figure out whether it is far-fetched or corresponds to the realities of life. Cardinal Richelieu once said: “Even in one line written by a man, you can find something for which you can hang him.” Later they began to say: “If a person is given a life sentence without explaining the reasons, after talking with his conscience, he will know why.”

Accusation is a failure in learning life lessons, because it does not admit its own mistakes and blames the causes of its misfortunes on others, evil fate, the intrigues of ill-wishers, bad heredity, the evil eye, in a word, on anything, just to, like a dump truck, dump its guilt on the shoulders of other people or insurmountable circumstances. The accuser is a master of denigration and “transferring the arrows” to external objects.

Woman in confession: - Father! Give me permission to divorce my husband! - What's the matter, my daughter? – He always throws his socks around or sleeps in them. You can't tear yourself away from football. He jumps out of the bathtub naked and begins to dance the dance of the little swans. - Why did you marry him? - She was a fool! - You see, he still married you, you fool...

The accusation runs away from responsibility for everything that happens in his life, like a vampire from holy water. Everyone else is to blame for everything, not him. He doesn't care whether it's right or wrong. It will definitely express its internal discontent in a rude or mocking form. To do this, they use reproaches, reproaches, minor injections or everyday accusations. In fact, accusations are a direct consequence of irresponsibility, lack of commitment, internal dissatisfaction, general negativism and lack of culture. Frederic Beigbeder wrote: “I blame consumer society for making me what I am: insatiable. I blame my parents for making me what I am: spineless. I often blame others so as not to blame myself.”

The arsenal of accusations includes attacks, complaints, slander, reproaches, reproaches, petty reproaches, expressions of dissatisfaction: “Why are you always so clumsy? Because of you I cut my finger!” - “What do I have to do with it?” - “You’re always there to help, just like your mother” - “I didn’t even come up to you” - “And you don’t have to come up to me. I heard that you sat down to watch the series again, and because of this I was distracted.”

The words “never”, “no matter how much you say”, “again”, “as always” are favorites in the prosecutor’s vocabulary. He said “always” and thereby denoted the persistent manifestation of some negative character trait of his opponent. The husband and wife ended up among the cannibals. While they danced a ritual dance around them, the husband whispered to his wife: “I get the impression that they are going to eat us.” – You, as always, think about food.

Such communication, defiled by far-fetched accusations, is a sign of complete selfishness and bad manners. The accusations cause protest. Each person responds to them by arousing a false ego. Therefore, the skirmish turns into a scandal, in which each, without listening to the other, can spout accusations.

There is no use in accusations and reproaches. Monkey’s work is to try to achieve understanding through them. Thich Nhat Hanh writes: “When you plant lettuce and it doesn’t grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You are looking for a reason. Perhaps it needs more fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. But you can't blame the salad. However, when problems arise with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to handle such situations, things will go smoothly. Blaming does not bring positive results at all, and it is also useless to try to convince another person using arguments and reasoning. No accusation, no reasoning, no arguments, just understanding. If you understand, and you can show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.”

Living with an accuser is extremely difficult. You need to have gigantic tolerance, powerful condescension and unkillable goodwill. The victim of the accusation usually develops an inferiority complex. As a rule, everyone runs away from the accuser. “First my wife ran away,” he complains, “then the dog and cats... Now I see how difficult it is for the fish to push the aquarium towards the door...

When an accuser breaks up with someone, he finally expresses everything that he had previously kept in himself. In accusations, he finds a way to support his falling self-esteem. Bernhard Schlink in his book “The Gordian Knot” writes: “When we are abandoned, we seek salvation in accusations - so that those who abandoned us will justify themselves and apologize and thereby be with us. In this sense, we take our accusations seriously, but in general we are ready for any kind of amnesty.”

The accuser, as a rule, finds his victim in the person of his wife or husband, making them the culprit of all his troubles. Husband and wife quarrel: - Ungrateful! I gave you the best years of my life! - If these were the best, I can imagine what awaits me in the future!

Accusation is a search engine for the enemy everywhere and in everything. The accuser is intoxicated by the energy of fear of those around him. This happens because the lowest qualities of his personality are in demand. Accusers are often cowardly. Therefore, they are in constant search of more cowardly and base people on whom they can painlessly practice their accusations.

Accusation often manifests itself in conjunction with stupidity. For example, isn't it stupid to blame a woman for realizing her nature? Instead of accusation, you should then say a stupid phrase: “Oh, you woman!” We don't blame predators for being carnivorous.

Blame is a generator of negative emotions. Before becoming offended, angry, jealous, or suffering from loneliness, a person scrolls through his head accusations against the person who, for example, made him jealous. In the constant desire to blame the world and others, the accuser is forced to attract negative emotions to his aid. For example, he blames the government for his bad life. To be convincing in the eyes of others, you need to attract anger, indignation, and indignation. To accuse your wife of infidelity, you need to call on jealousy to help.

The wife-accuser examines her husband's jacket every day and for every hair she finds, she arranges scenes of jealousy for him. One day she didn’t find a single hair and shouted: “That’s what you’ve come to, you don’t even disdain bald women!”

Petr Kovalev 2014

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Libel is a criminal offense that has its own article in the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation - 128.1. It states quite clearly that slander can be any deliberately false accusation against a person with the aim of humiliating his honor and dignity. This crime in itself is not very serious, but it can have serious consequences.

In this article we will look at two very important actions - and defense against libel charges. These two actions are not very different from each other, but they are still worth considering separately - each of them has its own characteristics.

How to protect yourself from slander aimed at humiliating honor and dignity?

Before talking about protection from this type of slander, an important note should be made - do not confuse and personal insult. Insult is a deliberate humiliation of a person’s honor and dignity. It is usually not aimed at anything and has only one goal - to harm morally and humiliate a person in the eyes of others. Insult to honor is also a criminal offense, but is treated according to a completely different scheme.

Slander is a deliberate accusation of you of some act that discredits you. And you will need to refute the information that you committed this act. This is where the problems begin, since sometimes there is simply no evidence. So you will often have to improvise. You have the opportunity:

• Find witnesses. As practice shows, there will always be someone who will confirm that you are right and testify in your favor;
• Find evidence that will prove that you did not have the opportunity to commit a disgraceful act. They can be very different and depend only on circumstances;
• Contact a lawyer. His help can be extremely useful in cases of slander aimed at humiliating honor and dignity.

How to protect yourself from slander aimed at accusing you of having a disease?

Sometimes the purpose of slander is not to point out some action, but to draw attention to the fact that you are dangerous to society due to some disease. It doesn’t make sense what kind of disease it is - a mental disorder, HIV infection, a dangerous virus or an STD - the only important thing is that it poses a threat not only to you.

In this case, it is very simple to protect yourself - go to the hospital for examination, get a conclusion about the absence of disease and present it to the court. You will not need anything more, since the certificate will be an ironclad argument and the final proof that you are right. At the same time, do not forget to demand compensation from the offender if the examination was carried out for money.

How to protect yourself from being accused of a crime?

If you are called involved in a crime, then you should approach the issue of defense more responsibly. First of all, hire a lawyer - he will prevent you from making a mistake and will help you organize your defense and collect evidence. Remember - the lawyer will be your advocate throughout the entire case, and the outcome of the case largely depends on him. So choose a specialist wisely.

Your second step is to start cooperating with the investigation. If you have been accused of a serious crime, then an investigation will certainly be carried out, during which you will be contacted more than once with an explanation. Give evidence, participate in proceedings and take initiative.

And last but not least - . Audio and video materials, documents, witness statements. Every piece of evidence will tip the scales in your favor. And especially obvious evidence will easily clear you of charges.

You are accused of slander. What to do?

The reverse situation is also very interesting. So, charges of libel have been brought against you. This is also an extremely unpleasant statement, since I am accusing you of committing a crime. The first step is to contact the person who filed the complaint and find out if there was a misunderstanding, since most cases of defamation allegations turn out to be simple misunderstandings.

Advice

If you are really accused of libel, but you know nothing about it, then it is worth starting proceedings on the accusation itself. If the accusation took place, then it will be necessary to prove that it is not false.

An accusation of libel in the event that there was no accusation. What to do?

Sometimes it happens that you can be accused of slander just like that - for the purpose of profit, blackmail, or other malicious intent. In this case, you should not follow the lead of the attacker, since it will be very easy to prove your non-involvement.

First of all, find out what evidence the accused is putting forward against you.. They either will not be valid, since they will not relate to the case, or they will be fabricated. Once you know exactly what you are accused of and what evidence is being used against you, you can begin to take action. And the first thing you need is your own performances.

If you are accused of public libel, then use the original recordings of the speech and the testimony of other participants. If you are accused of slander using your official position, then provide the original documents and decisions, or justify the accusations indicated in them from the point of view of the law. In any case, the same evidence will help you - witness statements, video and audio materials, documents.

Another excellent way to prove that there were no accusations from you would be to defend your position from the point of view that you simply could not voice these accusations. For example, if in a particular case of accusations you simply did not have the opportunity to voice them. More often than not, when the evidence is fabricated, this will be the most effective tactic.

Info

You can carry out a very complex, but at the same time effective maneuver - to put forward a counterclaim in which you will argue that the allegations of libel against you are themselves libel. At the same time, it will be a little more difficult for you to defend yourself, since at the same time as defending your position, you will also have to prove that the charges brought against you are a deliberate lie.

What should you do if you actually pressed charges?

If you really accused a person of some action, then you will have to fight to the very end. Your main task will be to prove that your accusations are justified and that you really told the truth.

In general, the procedure is the same as for a regular accusation of something. Only the direction will change. Instead of the target of the accusation, you will need to focus on yourself. That is, you first prove that it has a basis, and then you continue to put forward it.

If you accuse a person of some offensive act, then find witnesses to confirm that this act took place. If you accuse a person of being dangerous to others, then provide the opinions of doctors and experts. The easiest way would be to prove the perpetrator's involvement in a serious crime. Just provide the investigation with your evidence, and they will do everything themselves.

Info

As you may have noticed, defending against both slander and libel charges is not too difficult. The main thing is to have a good defense in the form of a lawyer and strong evidence. However, under no circumstances should you falsely accuse anyone with malicious intent. If this happened by accident, then it is better not to continue to prove your point of view, but to admit the mistake - this way you may even avoid punishment by reconciling with the victim.

Criminal lawyer. Experience in this direction since 2006.

Stay calm. You may not know you've been accused of a crime until the police come knocking on your door. You will undoubtedly be shocked and confused. However, you should remain calm to avoid making mistakes.

Refuse to talk to the police. You don't have to talk to the police. Even if they arrest you, you can remain silent.