The first time you encounter this is when you feel bad. These memories hurt for life. The “white crow,” unfortunately, is not the most, most special, but the one who is expelled from the flock.

School of life or a ticket to losers?

“They tormented me so much...”, “Mom, I don’t want to go to school,” “It was some kind of horror!”, “I want to blow them all up,” “I don’t like to remember school. Period” - that’s what a white crow is. This is not the plot of a film in which a loner became a leader, a beauty, an oligarch, but a bitter resentment for life, problems with learning, health, and psyche.

“I was the black sheep at school. I was transferred to a rural school from the city in the 5th grade, and somehow my communication with my classmates did not work out, but I went through such a school of life in these 4 years, I gained such a colossal experience! I had to fight and run away... everything happened. I have become a strong person, I know how to stand up for myself and my family, I know how to defend my opinion. And for this I am grateful to my unfriendly classmates. Of course, I really wouldn’t want my children to go through this hell, but if I have to, I will teach them to stand up for themselves...” writes a participant in one of the Kharkov forums.

Start over

Why does a child find himself in such a situation, becoming a “black sheep”, an outcast in the team?

There may be several reasons:

1. “Not like that” on some formal basis: skin color; nationality; doesn’t dress like that because his parents are poor; too full; too tall and thin; speaks another language; moved from the village to the city...

2. Psychological reasons. A child of preschool age is not used to communicating with children: he did not go to kindergarten, stayed at home with his grandmother or mother, and was often sick. He understands the language of adults well, can study well, but does not understand the language of children, children's jokes and pranks. Why do they laugh when it's not funny at all? How can you just walk up and push another person?

3. Too “bright personality”. The child is completely absorbed in some kind of hobby, does not show interest in classmates, in common affairs, and avoids communication.

I'm not a very cheerful girl!

What should we, parents, do? Where to go and who to turn to - a teacher, a principal, a school psychologist? Who to believe – the child or his classmates? What if these are just whims and everything will pass soon? Is my child afraid of difficulties or does he have developmental difficulties? Maybe it's enough to hire a tutor?

First you need to understand: what is the problem? Is it that our child is not accepted by the team (class), or is he behaving incorrectly, or is he just making things up?

Yes, it’s not for nothing that I say – a kid, a junior high school student. We will start at this age.

A few words about adult groups, from the “black sheep with experience.”

I have always been “not like everyone else,” but this does not mean that it was difficult for me everywhere. On the contrary, in elementary school I was a leader, in new teams I was both a leader, and a quiet loner, and just a participant - noticeable, but not “extreme”. But she was always on her guard. And I noticed one thing: a group of randomly assembled people always elects the “extreme”. Some qualities of the group are unconsciously recognized as the “norm”, and those who do not fall into it are extreme.

At one of my jobs, already in an adult team, I observed how the kindest and calmest employee became so “extreme”. The rest of the group knew how to stand up for themselves and fight back, but he didn’t even try. They joked about him, they sent him on errands... but he didn’t mind! When he quit, it became clear: we miss him! With the help of the extreme, the group relieved stress. And since he was a calm person who accepted his role, and we are all adults who understand the limits of what is acceptable, the group worked calmly. And so we started to feel feverish. The new “black sheep” was the most irritable employee, who reacted sharply to jokes. The next candidate is the weakest employee in terms of character and work qualities. I give this example because it is the most constructive. We adults did not wish each other harm and were not proud of our behavior.

Children, as adults like to say, are “cruel.”

Children can be cruel

Why aren't they friends with me? (narrated by Evgenia Levinshtein)

A child comes home from school and says: “the children are not friends with me.” What does mom answer to this? “Options from: “maybe it’s imagining it to you?” to “you’re just smart, and they’re fools if they don’t appreciate you.”

My good, intelligent parents answered me something like this. They could not even imagine what the situation was like at my school. And we had formal hazing! I ended up in the “white crows” for many reasons: I came from the second grade, a Jew with a distinctive appearance, an excellent student, unsportsmanlike...

What could my parents do if they realized how critical this was for me? Would you talk to the teachers? Would you come to a parent meeting? For class time? I am afraid that this would not improve the situation, but only make it worse.

The only school where a child from any district of the city could go was a math school, and I didn’t want to go there. As I now understand, it was in vain - it was an excellent school, and not only in core subjects. There was a completely different atmosphere there.

The only thing that saved me was that I had a strong backing – my family, that my classmates needed me on tests, and that in high school I already had real friends outside of school. All this helped me survive as an individual, but I would never do such experiments with my children. I don't want to teach them to "stand up for themselves" that way!

Now parents have more opportunities to make the right decision.

The right decision

So, “I don’t want to go to school.” A friend of mine, the mother of a 2nd grade student, did this. She talked a lot with the teacher, with the psychologist, she analyzed the situation. The child did not complain, but he did not sleep at night. He felt objectively bad. The class, which included 33 students, was not a cohesive team; the teacher and psychologist were not in control of the situation. Apparently, it was not only this child who felt bad. He was not bullied, but he could not study normally. His whole peculiarity was that he was often sick, and every time after illness he went to school “like the first time.” The boy changed schools. He began to study in a class where there were few students, the teacher was attentive, and the children were friendly to newcomers. The boy's parents also tried their best and continue to monitor the situation.

Is there something wrong?

The decision was right. Sometimes changing classes or schools is enough. Psychologists confirm that changing the team in a difficult situation is beneficial. Provided, of course, if it was all about an unfortunate reputation, about a place that the baby occupied by accident. What was a minus in one group may become a plus in another.

But let me emphasize that in this situation the parents tried to understand what's wrong with their child ! They continue to work on this, this is the key to success, and not just a change of team.

The American dream, or "always alone"

“We are one team!” – you hear from the screen in numerous films. Sometimes this irritates me terribly. “Lidis, don’t break away from the team!” - a voice from childhood haunts me - the whole kindergarten, school, pioneer camps.

Lidis, don’t break away from the team!

Team is good only the team must be its own . And I had no problems assembling my team or doing without it at all. My problems began where I did not want to play other people's games by other people's rules. Compared to the guys who go against everyone alone, my problems are just nonsense. That is, “I’m a schoolgirl” wouldn’t say that... but now I’m saying it. Three “nerds” or two “towers” ​​are already strength! By the way, this explains why there are so many signs of “specialness”. The narrow-minded big man is part of the group of “C-grade boys”, the fat quiet one is in the group of “firm quiet ones”, of the five “aliens” only one is bullied. Yes, according to my observations, the worst thing is to be alone. Why is he alone?

Two white crows are already a small flock

It often happens that a newcomer in a new team does not have time to respond to jokes or testing. He didn’t understand what was happening, what rules they were playing by here, and why he needed all these people. Every day the pressure continues, and it becomes more and more difficult and worse for the newcomer.

The key words here are “why”? And who"? In your team, you know why you need these people, you solve communication problems, and you make an effort.

I specifically highlight this point so that parents do not rush to label their child as “sociopath”, “can’t communicate”, “autist” and other buzzwords.

Yes, a child has the right not to be able to communicate with a group of 30 people if he does not understand why he is here, if he has not found a friend, if he does not feel help and support.

He came to class like this - teach him to be different!

If you don’t pay attention to this and leave everything as it is, in a few years you will end up with a “sociopath,” or rather, a schoolchild who is having a very, very difficult time. New communication problems may be added, you will notice them!

Sometimes a child finds himself in the position of a “black sheep” because of the attitude of his classmates, and sometimes because of the teacher.

My cheerful C student

The mother says: “The eldest daughter was eager to go to school, and although she was exactly 6, I decided to take it, especially since it is now mandatory.
The teacher was quite nice and intelligent, she said: “It doesn’t matter that the child doesn’t know how to read and write, we’ll teach him. We don't give ratings. We don’t carry textbooks, we don’t give assignments.”
A week later it turned out that they were still asking questions. After 2 weeks it turned out that I still had to carry textbooks. After 3 weeks, it turned out that grades (in the form of “good”, “well done”, and “sm”) were still being given. After some time, my daughter said that the teacher told them: “You, Anya, are great, but you, Lena, are NOT great.” At a parent meeting I say: “Why are you talking about children’s failures in class? I don’t want my daughter to feel like a sad C student!” And the teacher told me: “Do you want her to become a cheerful C student?” And I honestly answered “Yes”!”
We moved to another school and after a while the problems with studying disappeared.

In one article, older schoolchildren are advised to be proud of being a “black sheep” and to accept yourself for who you are. True, but... But maybe parents should have started thinking about this situation earlier?

Many adults continue to be nervous all their lives because of their characteristics, let alone children! “I am blue, speckled, scratched...” and that’s forever. Society doesn’t accept this, I myself am against it, and my parents get nervous, fuss, and say something: “It’s okay, baby, that you’re blue, you’ll outgrow it.” But this is not true! It's not normal to be blue! I don't want to study in a class where they don't like me! I don't want to go to blue school! I want to be like everyone else!

What can be done? I know this way: to love your baby, this will give him protection and self-confidence. Accept him as he is. To suffer with him and look for a way out of the situation. We, adults, still have more experience; we can find many ways to stop being blue-spotted, or learn to live blue if this cannot be corrected.

There is no need to pretend that this is normal, that it does not hurt. But we have the power to help live with it. For every case where a child felt bad “because of it,” I know more cases where children grew up “with it” and became normal adults. Moreover, I know examples when “not like that” children were not black crows expelled from the flock. They were members of the group, a little special.

This is how white crows find each other

Big feelings

Adults don't understand anything!

Little people have big feelings. It’s difficult for them, it’s their first time. How to react to an offensive joke? For aggression? To what they tell you out loud about what they are silent about at home? What to do if words hit the patient? If mistakes are highlighted? What if they accuse you in person?
At home, no matter what kind of parents we are, we do not offend the child as much as his classmates will. Even a teacher can offend and humiliate, and by accident. Children react - they cry, fight, and it’s good if they forget. A child can become a “black sheep” not because of external differences, but because he overreacts. He becomes a target.
Have you thought about this? Have you prepared your baby for this? But he will have to face this, no matter how much you protect him.
To prepare does not mean to make you perfect or rude, inaccessible to ridicule, but to teach you how to feel and cope with yourself. Assess the damage, do not take jokes and stupidity seriously, and vice versa, be able to see the “impact”, irony, anger.
As long as the child has not grown up and hears you and believes you, this is possible. What should I do for this? Be with him, be “in touch”, and help. This is an activity that lasts for years, not just for one day. For some reason, our difficult experience of “white crows” was given to us!

Photo by Natalia Mashkovich, Marina Lidis, Igor Solunsky

https://pandia.ru/text/80/093/images/image002_84.jpg" width="599" height="449 src=">

Social research conducted by psychologists and social workers interested in the issue of “White Crow” in the team showed that in almost every school team there is "White crow“, - a creature different from all the others, and it doesn’t matter in which direction: bright leaders or downtrodden pariahs. That’s why everyone’s attitude towards them is different.

A study was conducted in high school, the result was as follows. For 50% of respondents, the “white crow” evokes neither negative nor positive emotions, so we called this group of guys "tolerant». 16% have a negative attitude towards it: they, relatively speaking,, "persecutors". 14% - "fascinated"the sparkle of an exotic bird. Finally, 19% of respondents consider themselves"black sheep".

"CHARMED"

Only 22 out of 156 respondents (14%) can boast of their boundless love and respect for the “white crows”. In their imagination, the “black sheep” is a kind of romantic image: a unique (82%) and strong person (20%), whom the class treats with interest (20%) and even considers them the pride of the team (another 15%). Such idealization was not even dreamed of... by the “white crows” themselves, who, to be honest, tend to embellish their everyday life with all sorts of trinkets.
Fans of the “white crow” believe that the latter are endowed with expressiveness from birth (59%); the mysterious hereditary factor gives them such a dazzling aura that all the real disadvantages of isolation pale in front of it. Of course, at a young age you can walk around with rose-colored glasses, but the box opens simply: 20% of the “charmed” “white crow” was simply... invented (it is not in their environment). And some secretly consider themselves to be this rare species of bird, but are embarrassed to admit it (10% did not answer the question about the color of their own plumage).
“Enchanted” people tend to embellish reality; they want to have a bright guideline in front of them. For them, a strong personality has an attractive magnetism: in 50% of cases they will definitely accept the friendship of an exotic bird and in 9% of cases they are ready to try on its plumage. Another 55% would do it as an experiment.
They do not believe that big problems await the “white crow” in adult life, but the “charmed” still have some doubts about the bright future of such people (41% believe: there is no point in hoping that the world will bend to the “white crow” ).
Yes, our romantics want to believe that originality is the trump card in life (36%), and they don’t at all want to admit that for this they can, on the contrary, get a candelabra on the forehead (only 20% believe that the “black sheep” is an object of aggression ). And yet, if this happens, the “charmed” believe, such people must be protected, albeit without adult intervention.
Of course, if suddenly the “white crow” turns gray and becomes like everyone else, then they will stop bullying her, but how boring the world will be without her! And not a single “charmed” one wished our “white crow” such a fate.
So, dear “white crows”, know that there are only 14%, no, as many as 14% of guys who admire you, envy you in a good way and are always ready to be friends with you!

The only wish from this group:

“Be yourself and give people joy!”

"TOlerant" MAJORITY

“White Crow” is a rare phenomenon, but even among people who are neutral towards it, and there are 50% of them (78 people), no one considers it the pride of the team. The majority of respondents admit that in the class they treat her with detachment (24%) and even with disdain (25%).
On the question of the origin of the “white crow,” the opinions of the “tolerant” people differed. An equal number of votes were given to hypotheses about some problems (family, financial, trauma) - 34% and about the congenital “whiteness” of the bird - 33%. But along with them, there were other opinions: this is a product of upbringing (14%), such people are simply arrogant (6%) and in general that the “black sheep” is still new and they are simply getting used to it.
But, in spite of everything, unlike the ardent opponents of the “albino”, among the “neutrals” there were only 7 people who would never become friends with the “rare bird” (9% of respondents).
Of course, no one would like to be in the place of the “black sheep”: despite all their “tolerance”, 72% of respondents do not even want to think about becoming one. But still there were brave souls who, for a short while, as an experiment, would perhaps agree to be in her place (28%).
The “albino” itself is considered by most of the “tolerant” to be a peculiar person (70%), a minority - downtrodden (21%), and only one individual thinks that our “bird” is strong. Apparently, because of its uniqueness, the “white crow” often becomes the target of aggression - this is the opinion of half of the respondents. But adults, for example teachers, should not interfere in these relationships, as it will only get worse - the opinion of the overwhelming majority (83%). But it is still necessary to protect the “white crows” (62%)...
Who is to blame for the isolation of the “white crows”? 3% of respondents think that adolescence is to blame. Skeptics (13%) pronounce the verdict: “the grave will correct the hunchback.” But the majority thinks differently: 42% believe that “black sheep” is not a permanent condition and life will make its own adjustments, 40% believe that in another team this person can be accepted as one of their own. In short, “neutrals” believe that the “white crow” still has a chance of joining the “flock.”
But as for the future fate of the rare bird, many “tolerant” people find it difficult to answer (38%). 15% of respondents believe that she will be able to take a worthy place in life only if she changes. 22% predict big problems for her. And finally, 20% think that our “albino” will certainly find himself in life.
But still, one should not hope that “the world will bend to the “black sheep”: it is pointless - this is the opinion of the majority (53%).
But it's not all that scary. Each person is an individuality and personality. And the dissimilarity of the “white crow” from others is quite natural and even decorates it. And sometimes it is not only herself who is to blame for her bad attitude, but also the collective in which such a “valuable and rare species” “lives.” So if YOU feel bad in your “habitat,” our “tolerant” majority advises, just change it.

And most importantly: “Be yourself - don’t let YOURSELF DRY!!!”

"PERSECUTORS"

About 17% of all young people surveyed (26 people) expressed a negative attitude towards “white crows”. Such radical teenagers can certainly be found in any group. According to 35% of the “persecutors,” the “black sheep” in the class are treated with obvious disdain.
The negative group, unlike the rest, considers the main feature of the “white crow” to be its behavior and habits. This is a “man in a case”, downtrodden and taciturn. Among today's energetic and advanced youth, he stands out for his lacklusterness. His appearance (and even movements!) cause aggression from others. Almost half of this group (46%) thinks so. The “intolerants” believe that the reason that a person has become a “black sheep” is upbringing. Their diagnosis is radical and irrevocable: “the grave will correct the hunchback.”
But in their forecast for the future, they are in solidarity with other teenagers: it makes no sense to believe that “the world will bend” to the “white crow” - she herself will have to “bend” to this complex and sometimes unfair world. Big problems await her. Only one “persecutor” disagreed with this statement.
When asked about the possibility of friendship with the “black sheep”, it was the “intolerants” who answered “no” for the most part, although some of them did show signs of pity! Most of them, under no circumstances, would like to be in the place of the “black sheep”, because they do not see any advantages in her position. And the main disadvantage is considered to be the lack of communication, loneliness and complexes: “She has no friends, no love and friendship. She is separated from the world - this is not normal. You can’t live in isolation!”
In order for the “white crow” to return to the “flock,” according to the “intolerants,” she urgently needs to master the feeling of “herding.” Many of them regard it as a positive trait, and in life they try to be like others, so as not to stand out and attract attention to themselves. The “White Crow” needs more self-confidence, openness and goodwill. And then she will feel like part of a single team, which will certainly affect the attitude of those around her.
Some high school students, despite their rejection of “black sheep,” gave some advice to people who find themselves in a similar situation: communicate more, listen to the opinions of classmates, don’t stand out from the rest, “love yourself for who you are... in general: don’t be sad.” , crunch, and everything will be okay.”

"WHITE RAVENS"

https://pandia.ru/text/80/093/images/image007_24.gif" width="100" height="90 src=">.gif" width="107" height="93 src=">. gif" width="110" height="110 src=">

We know that many of the guys we interviewed were simply afraid to admit the true color of their feathers, despite the fact that they are those same “white crows.” We express our gratitude to those who nevertheless decided. To our surprise, there were quite a lot of them. 19% of respondents (30 people) consider themselves white-winged. Of course, it was this group of guys that was of the greatest interest to us. It also turned out to be the most difficult. Everyone gave their own definition of “black sheep.” The “birds” were different, sometimes they defied any classification.

But still three groups can be distinguished.

“Become the boss, and people will follow you!”

Party" href="/text/category/vecherinka/" rel="bookmark">parties. Such teenagers feel strong because of their difference: “People are much more downtrodden, helpless and uninteresting than me.” In class they often leaders, the pride of the team, but more often they are considered simply arrogant, although they are treated with respect and are even sometimes afraid. But are they capable of becoming close friends to someone - that is the question.
“It will be easy for such and such people to make their way in life,” classmates think. “They don’t depend on others, but others depend on them.” However, this role is not at all as easy as it seems. They often find themselves hostage to their chosen position: they must never lose authority in the eyes of others, they have to keep silent about personal problems and always remain optimistic. You should never share your failures with anyone: your image requires sacrifice. As they say, what they fought for is what they ran into. And these are still flowers.
At school, teachers are nagging: they don’t like know-it-alls, on the street they pull earrings out of young people’s ears, etc. You must always be on your guard to defend your individuality. But just give these “kites” a reason to fight for their rights, and they will do it aggressively, but brilliantly. They are not going to despair yet, nor are they going to change anything in their situation (they fought so hard for it!).

They are happy to philosophize on the topic of their chosenness:

https://pandia.ru/text/80/093/images/image014_6.jpg" width="260 height=221" height="221">

As you can see, one direction has been chosen with the flock. The next group of “white crows” is in no hurry to join the ranks of the absolute leaders. But such teenagers always have their own opinion on everything and are not afraid to express it to anyone. They simply do not want to accept “other people’s rules of the game” and do not keep anyone around them by force. In the classroom, such people are more often treated with interest (27%), and if negatively, then not everyone: “I have many friends, but a person always has enemies, it’s just that these enemies express to the face of the “white crows” what they think.” .
They are independent, do not tolerate being bossed around, or simply do not need to communicate with those who are not interesting to them. The reason for the isolation of such “white crows” within them: their own independence, honesty, decency, reluctance to merge with the “flock”. 52% answered this way. These are bright personalities! Even judging by their profiles, they are smart and interesting. Among them, the most popular definition in self-characterization is peculiar (64%).

The “herd” feeling irritates them.
Why did they become like this? In most cases, the “white crows” said that they were simply different from others in character, without indicating any reasons. But, of course, the upbringing and lifestyle of the family also influenced it, for example: “Frequent changes of schools, occasional business trips of my father to other cities and countries: living in Europe, I had the opportunity to communicate with interesting people.”
83% answered that they would leave everything as it is and just move on with their lives. They already have everything: themselves, their individuality, a unique inner world, extraordinary thinking and, as a result, an interesting life. Of course, time will pass and they will find their place in life.

Their motto: “We shouldn’t bend to the changing world; it’s better to let it bend to us.”

“We need to change ourselves completely...”

14% of “black sheep” consider themselves downtrodden. It seems like they are trying to “average out”, but so far it’s not working. Shy, shy, unconfident and defenseless “white chicks”. They blame themselves and only themselves for this situation. This is where real complexes may well develop. And in life for such people, oh, how difficult it is.
People around them often ignore them and treat them with disdain. 12% of all “black sheep” see absolutely no advantages in their situation. True, you can focus on learning something, such as music or a language, and not waste time and emotions on “stupid people”. “Keep your opinion to yourself”, “you need to change yourself completely” - advice to brothers in misfortune.
Sometimes the “white crows” are overcome by despair: “I’ll stop communicating with them (the class) altogether.” They (20%) categorically do not like their position in the class. They call on those around them to be patient: “White crows” are also birds, do not judge and will not be judged, for everyone is a “white crow” in their own way.
Probably, the “white chicks” need to change something about themselves first: maybe go to a psychologist, and then even change schools, so that it is easier to create a new image.

We really liked the advice to the “black sheep” in one of the “normal” questionnaires:

“Love yourself first!” And then, perhaps, from the “white chick” a real strong one will grow

"white https://pandia.ru/text/80/093/images/image017_6.gif" alt=" WHITE RAVEN'S ADDRESS TO OTHERS" width="723 height=87" height="87"> !} What connotation does the concept of “black sheep” have for you?

a) Positive, b) neutral, c) negative.

2. Is there a “black sheep” in your class, in your environment?

a) Yes, b) No

3. How do they treat the “black sheep” in the class?

a) she is the pride of the team; b) with interest; c) wary; d) distantly; d) negative; e) with obvious disdain

4. How do you see her as different from others?

a) in the features of the worldview; b) in the characteristics of behavior, habits; c) unsociability, isolation, low self-esteem; d) in individuality, originality; e) high self-esteem; e) in appearance, clothing

5. Why do you think the “white crow” turned white?

a) born like this; b) some circumstances led to this; c) problems in the family, financial issues, trauma; d) it is a product of upbringing; e) it’s just that this person is new to the team and they are getting used to him; f) is arrogant

6. Do you think being a “black sheep” is a temporary condition or a permanent one?

a) the grave will correct the hunchback; b) life will make its own adjustments; c) adolescence is to blame; d) in another team, even today, this person can be perceived as one of their own

7. Would you be friends with the “black sheep”?

a) yes, b) no, c) depending on the circumstances

8. Would you like to be in her place?

a) yes, b) no, c) for a short time as an experiment

9. Have you seen the advantages of being a “black sheep”?

a) I don’t see; b) she is a bright individual; c) she has her own outlook on life; d) she is independent and natural; e) others treat her well; e) it’s easy for her to make her way in life

10. What are the disadvantages?

a) I don’t see; b) she is lonely; c) she must constantly fight for authority; d) she develops complexes; e) downtroddenness, isolation, pessimism; f) she is in social isolation; g) they mock her, they envy her; h) it’s hard for her to make her way in life;

11. What does the “white crow” need to be accepted into the flock?

a) sociability, sincerity, openness; b) self-confidence, courage; c) “herd” feeling, flexibility in communication; d) feeling like part of a team; e) adequacy of thinking, mind; f) adequacy of behavior; g) normal appearance, clothes; h) another company

12. Continue the description of the “white crow” - this is a person...

a) strong; b) peculiar; c) clogged

13. What is your personal antidote to social isolation?

a) I communicate a lot, I am sociable; b) cheerful, have a sense of humor; c) natural, sincere, straightforward; d) is friendly towards people; e) I don’t differ from the “pack”; e) I value friendship

1. Do you like your position in the class or team?

a) yes; b) no; c) has its pros and cons

2. What do you see as the main reason for your position in the team?

a) to yourself; b) surrounded; c) in oneself and the environment

3. If the reason is inside you, then what qualities prevent you from merging with the “pack”?

a) lacks sociability; b) my independence; c) lacks self-confidence; d) shyness; e) honesty, decency, modesty;

4. If the reason is in the environment, then what features of the class do not give you the opportunity to be one with it?

a) misunderstanding; b) snobbery; c) cruelty and intolerance; d) contempt of others; d) people are downtrodden and uninteresting

5. Have there been any cases of aggression from others against you?

a) yes; b) no

6. Do you consider the current relationship intolerant?

a) yes; b) no

https://pandia.ru/text/80/093/images/image026_0.jpg" width="602" height="594 src=">

Of course, it is impossible to please everyone without exception. In every office, conflicts between co-workers occur from time to time. But there are times when the entire team unites against a common enemy.

Irina didn’t get a job for the money. Irina’s husband earned very good money, the children had grown up a long time ago, and Irina was frankly bored as a housewife. Therefore, at the family council it was decided that Irina would start looking for work. A suitable vacancy appeared quite quickly, and soon Irina set off to storm the career heights. The team in the organization where Ira got a job was predominantly female. At first, Irina liked her new colleagues - they were all about the same age as her, and they soon found common topics for discussion, such as raising children and favorite programs. But over time, Irina began to understand that her colleagues were gradually growing irritated with her. When Irina talked about which stores she used to buy clothes in, where her children studied and what gift her husband gave her for their wedding anniversary, the faces of her colleagues instantly became distorted with anger. And then they stopped talking to Irina altogether. If colleagues needed to discuss something, they left the office; Ira was no longer called to dinner or invited to colleagues’ birthdays. Her documents were constantly “lost”; they “forgot” to tell Irina about the meeting with the boss and did not convey his requests. The situation became unbearable for Irina, and she was forced to write a letter of resignation.

Psychology of the victim

According to statistics, in Europe every 25th office employee has felt like a black sheep at least once in his life. We don’t keep such “records,” but experts are confident that the numbers are approximately the same. A similar phenomenon has existed at all times, but not so long ago a special term was invented for it - mobbing. Initially, the word “mobbing” was understood as the behavior of herbivores, which, when united, can act against a predator. In public life, this term has become a definition of aggression towards one or another member of the team.

So why, one day, the inhabitants of the office begin to unite with the sole purpose of making life difficult for one of the employees? There may be several reasons: this is the struggle for a “place in the sun”, and elementary envy, and the fear of old-timers to seem incompetent in comparison with the newcomer who has come to the team. Both ordinary employees and the boss himself can take part in bullying.

But whatever the reason for the attacks, psychologists are unanimous in the opinion that victims of pressure most often become people who lack self-confidence and for whom the opinions of others are very important. If a person is chosen as a target for bullying, for whom the dislike of the team does not cause any emotions, his colleagues quickly leave him alone. After all, the main task of the pursuers is to unbalance the victim. Therefore, if you find yourself in the role of a black sheep, under no circumstances show your opponents that you are offended by their ridicule or the declared boycott. Of course, it’s not easy to keep a good face when playing poorly, but try not to give vent to your emotions. By the way, you shouldn’t respond to insult with an insult either. Your anger is an indicator of your weakness, and your colleagues will not be slow to take advantage of it.

However, if working in this organization does not promise you magical prospects or fabulous enrichment, think about whether it is worth wasting your nerve cells in order to improve relations with the team. After all, an unfavorable work environment has the most depressing effect on the health of employees, and therefore you need to decide whether the gamble is worth the candle or whether it is better to find another place to work.

Why don't they like you?

Colleagues' attacks are not always caused by their evil temper or desire to take your place. Perhaps you somehow deserved this attitude from the team. Here is an approximate list of the main office “irritants”:

Complaints. By constantly telling your co-workers about your problems, you arouse in them a feeling of pity and contempt at the same time. It seems that your colleagues are obliged to listen to you, sympathize and offer their help, but in reality they do not want to do this at all. Such an explosive mixture can sooner or later lead to the fact that, instead of empathizing with your troubles, colleagues will begin to take their irritation out on you. By the way, constant requests for help work in exactly the same way. Of course, there is nothing wrong with asking your co-workers from time to time to help you sort out your papers or replace you for a while, but you should not turn such a practice into a system.

Snobbery. Even if it seems to you that your colleagues are not too far removed from ciliates in their mental development, you should not show them what you think of them. If you greet every statement your colleagues make with a disdainful laugh, rest assured that your co-workers will not treat you well.

Boasting. A luxurious apartment, a country house, a weekend spent in Paris - all this awakens a feeling of envy in your colleagues. And not always white. Therefore, it is better not to talk about your material wealth, especially if your colleagues cannot boast of a similar set of values.

??Violation of unspoken rules. The longer a team exists, the more traditions there are in it. Neglecting them can also turn the team against you.

Too active flirting. A new girl who in an instant managed to drive all the men in the team crazy can hardly count on a good relationship with the female half of the office inhabitants. Jealous glances, vulgar jokes and a trail of gossip are the most harmless manifestations of dissatisfaction on the part of your female colleagues.

Survey

Bad boss

The National Union of Personnel Officers surveyed 916 employees of Russian and Western companies about what exactly makes a bad boss. For 40% of respondents, the worst quality of leadership is inconsistency. Two more of the worst shortcomings that can ruin a working relationship forever are the boss’s inability to listen to subordinates and lack of professionalism. The manager’s inability to listen to his team irritates 28% of respondents, and his lack of professionalism – 24%. Further, among the shortcomings, the inability to admit one’s mistakes, indifference and despotism were noted. Five respondents named excessive kindness as a quality inherent in a bad boss.

Incredible

Right to beer

Workers at some manufacturing plants in Denmark are on the verge of going on strike. No, they are not demanding that their salaries be increased. Their dissatisfaction is caused by the attempts of their superiors to wean them from drinking alcohol during working hours. Three years ago, 75% of industrial canteens in the country sold beer during the lunch break. Now only 13% of such canteens remain. Employers were forced to take such steps in an attempt to increase labor productivity, as well as out of concern for the health of workers. But their good intentions encountered serious resistance from the workforce at some enterprises.

At all times, society has imposed its own standards on people, which the majority considers the only true ones. However, there are often those who swim against the tide and act in non-trivial ways. Such people are called “white crows”. They often remain isolated and do not strive to establish close contacts with society. But what should a “black sheep” who wants to become “one of their own” do?

New life of a white crow

"White crows" often live outside of society. As a rule, such people manifest themselves in childhood. It is difficult for a child who is different from the rest to be part of a team, to study in a class with ordinary people. Difficulties in communication and mutual misunderstanding arise. A similar situation is familiar to first-year student Alexandra:

“When I was at school, I felt uncomfortable among my classmates. No, I was not bullied or ridiculed in any way, I was an ordinary child. It’s just that the topics of conversation of my peers and their hobbies seemed uninteresting and banal to me. Sometimes I even told myself that I should communicate with my class, forced myself to at least pretend that we really had some common ground.”

Another first-year student, Daria, had a similar problem while studying at school:

« It was very difficult for me to find a common language with my classmates. We were too different. I literally wanted to fall into the ground from one of their contemptuous glances in my direction. The call from the last lesson was like a stone from my soul.”

Fortunately for our heroines, you can't study at school forever. The girls passed all the tests of the Unified State Exam and the hardships of admission and became students of the Higher School of Economics. Entering university always means a new stage in life. You meet people with similar interests and goals in life to yours (it’s not for nothing that you entered the same specialty). Often yesterday’s “white crows” begin to pay attention to the new environment and even try to show interest in it. However, overcoming prejudices built over the years is sometimes very difficult.

« At first I couldn’t get rid of my mistrust of my new classmates,– says Dasha, – she could exchange a few words with two or three girls, and then go home, ignoring the group’s joint leisure time.”

“White Crows” are not interested in noisy companies. As a rule, such people are melancholic introverts. However, classification by psychotypes sometimes does not withstand the philistine approach to the issue: sometimes everything depends on the environment around a person. How can a “black sheep” find a common language with others? The girls who dealt with a similar situation gave some advice.

All over again

The two heroines' stories are united by one important detail. Both girls found themselves in a new environment, where they built a social circle from scratch . If someone doesn't appreciate your individuality, or you don't feel like getting closer to others, why not try your luck with other people? Nowadays, there are many interest clubs where you can easily find like-minded people. Each person is able to find an environment for himself where he will feel “at ease”. In your new social circle, you will be able to start everything “from scratch” and take the role in the team that you choose.

The main thing is don’t be afraid to change your environment and don’t be shy to communicate more with new people. After all, the new team has not yet formed a clear opinion about you, which means when, if not now, can you create an idea of ​​yourself?

Step forward

White crows have a non-trivial mind, which also often coexists with egocentrism. Or such people themselves get used to their status from childhood and lose the ability to overcome their complexes and prejudices. Getting out of the comfort zone becomes a really important stage of socialization for “white crows”.

“To be honest, when I went to the first introductory training for freshmen, I sincerely believed that I would behave as I once did at school,- says Sasha, - but how delighted I was with my group! I immediately wanted to make friends with them. And soon I caught myself thinking that the wall with which I had been enclosing myself for many years was collapsing. I began not to miss a single event with the group, spending as much time as possible with new friends. Gradually, without even noticing, I became acquainted and became close with guys from other faculties. Now I’m trying to do the math and realize that my social circle has approximately tripled.”

Accepting society as it is

Often the “white crows” themselves refuse to accept “others”. It is difficult for them to accept as the norm that each of us has our own values ​​and interests. For “white crows,” their own categorical attitude becomes a serious obstacle to establishing contact with society.

“It seemed almost barbaric to me that most of my classmates, for example, had not read a single work by Bulgakov,- says Dasha, - It’s still a mystery to me what you can talk about with such people.” By the way, psychologists confirm: “white crows” are often book lovers and literally read avidly.

You should not reject people's opinions if they do not coincide with yours. If you really want to find a common language with others, learn to listen and take their words into account. Kindness and openness will in no way detract from your uniqueness, but will make you a pleasant person in the eyes of society.

Your environment is your teachers

Everyone likes to feel interested in another person, and if you try to learn more about the hobbies and preferences of others, this will definitely endear you to society.

In addition, you yourself will learn a lot of new things about what was not previously in your area of ​​interest, and maybe you will even find a new hobby.

Your individuality is your advantage

This banal advice is perfect for such situations. A person is valued primarily for his uniqueness, and in no case should one adapt to those around him.

“Of course, while studying you cannot completely isolate yourself from society,- Dasha completes her story, - and with my classmates, despite the initial mistrust, I tried to be friendly and nice. I love to cook, and it has become a real pleasure for me to treat those who are tired of Doshiraki in the hostel. Fortunately, I have found that new acquaintances can carry on a conversation on many topics that interest me, and we often have fascinating discussions in which I feel free to express my opinions. And I am very pleased that they listen to me and hear me. Not a trace remained of the former mistrust, and I joyfully overcame my fear.”

Being a black sheep is by no means a punishment for a person. On the contrary, it is a wonderful feature. Learn to take advantage of your difference from others, and it will become your undeniable advantage.

Text: Olya Zhabokritskaya

Illustrations: Alexandra Daniel

If you find a typo, highlight it and click Shift + Enter or to inform us.

Hello. I am concerned that for several years now I have not had friendly relations in the team at work. They raise their voices at me, because of this I get lost and get very worried. When I come home, I can pour out my anger on my loved one.

Although I have normal relationships with my friends and girlfriends. Please tell me how I can behave correctly so that I can be accepted into teams

Child - mimosa

Children are not born shy. They are born sociable, curious and outgoing, but we most often make them shy. Sometimes - not of your own free will. This, for example, happens to a sick child who spends most of his time at home. Another option is when a child grows up with a lack of communication because he does not go to kindergarten, there are no peers in the yard, and it is not customary to invite guests at home. Anyway, the situation is when a child who grew up in a house full of people and children...

White, the complete absence of pigment, is usually associated with purity, purity, newness, virginity, peace and innocence, as well as high quality. White color

Anyone who has ever been to a paint store knows that there are a huge variety of shades of white.

If a surface is painted with blue-white paint and the adjacent one with yellowish-white paint, the difference will immediately be apparent. The first shade is reminiscent of high-mountain glaciers, while the second is reminiscent of sea pearls.

The entire space between the gray matter of the cerebral cortex and the basal ganglia is occupied by white matter. The white matter of the hemispheres is formed by nerve fibers connecting the cortex of one gyrus with the cortex of other gyri of its and the opposite hemispheres, as well as with underlying formations.

Topographically, four parts are distinguished in the white matter, not sharply delimited from each other:

1) white matter in the gyri between the sulci;

2) the area of ​​white matter in the outer parts of the hemisphere...

Blue is the prerogative of those who are not popular with men.

Red lingerie is worn by girls who have an explosive character and are demanding of others. Red lingerie is a kind of challenge to move on to action, bypassing lyrics and romance.

Yellow - the desire for open, sincere relationships and quality sex.

Lilac and pink will show a man that the girl is sensual and temperamental. She is self-sufficient. But it requires a gentle relationship from a man. Most of all girls in pink...

At the first stage of team development, a formal structure predominates: employees communicate in accordance with job behavioral stereotypes, look closely at each other, true feelings are most often hidden, goals and methods of work are not discussed together, teamwork is weak.

At the second stage, a reassessment of the personal and business qualities of the leader occurs, an opinion about colleagues is formed, the process of forming groupings within the team begins, it is possible...

The effectiveness of the team’s work, its ability to solve assigned tasks largely depends on the moral and psychological climate, as well as on the prevailing “mood” of employees in the group, which, other things being equal, is determined, firstly, by the quality of the personnel and, secondly , features of informal relations between a manager and a subordinate.

Let's look at these problems in more detail. Scientific research and generalization of practical experience indicate that...

Without pretending to be a special consideration of the problem of leadership, let us pay attention to an interesting classification of types of relationships in a work group, proposed by American researchers Blake and Mouton.

It is based on a combination of two main parameters - attention to the person, the degree of consideration of people's interests and attention to production, the degree of consideration of the interests of the business.

These are five types of relationships within teams, which differ significantly from the point of view of moral and psychological...

Intact
Completeness
Dedication

Openness
Unity
Ease
The ability to identify hidden and false
Insulation

Negative characteristics

sterility
Boredom
Stiffness
Disappointment
Detachment

White color is characterized by perfection and completeness, demonstrating an absolute and final decision, complete freedom for possibilities...