What to do if you are afraid to call. Differences in cultural norms

For a new business consultant, making phone calls is a new thing. Our brain is designed in such a way that at the level of instinct it protects the owner from everything unknown and includes fears. Fear of talking about yourself and offering business is normal. What we are afraid of seems prohibitively difficult, and what is difficult we put off until later and do not do.

Like at school, remember? Lessons later, prepare for exams later. Undone work accumulates, the conscience gnaws, the strength of intention weakens... The business ends. I won’t tell you how to correctly write a script and make a call. I will share my secrets on how to stop being afraid to make calls. The mentor says that I do it well. Everything is very simple.

Think of calls like this: “I want” - “I can” - “I act” - “I receive”

Let's see how it works? One day, a colleague gave me a magnet with a wonderful cup of coffee on it and the inscription “I can’t be stopped if I can start.” We need to take the first step. Phew... that word is needed again. Who needs? I need. What for? I don't need it, I'm afraid to call. Instead of “I want”, “I must” was imprinted in the subconscious from childhood. And who needs a child not to go where he shouldn’t? A child and a citizen must be obedient, and what he wants is of no interest to anyone. But that’s what interests you! What are your dreams? What about the goals? When the goal is through “I want”, you get drive and buzz, and the person is realized. The biggest problem. Same with calls.

Before making calls again, take 1 minute to remember your “I want” and say it

Do you really want change? Or will it work as before? Friends, believe that you are not the person you used to think of yourself as. Every person is a diamond whose light is meant to shine on the world. Sit down to make calls only with this mindset to yourself. You are unique. The second setting is that you clearly understand what you want and remember this always when you pick up the phone. Remember about the carrot on the fishing rod in front of the donkey? And that’s it, the donkey wants a carrot and runs. If you want it, then others want it too, all that’s left is to find each other. “I want” is sorted out.

Let's deal with "I can"

If we were at a training session now, and I asked you (I was once asked): “Raise your hand, who thinks that they cannot manage the Gazprom company?” Would you pick it up or not? I picked it up. It's about our limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are thoughts that hinder our actions. They are like a cage that we have driven ourselves into and can no longer escape. Can. We change our worldview. Unfortunately, they are also from previous life experiences.

Since childhood, we are taught to see only disadvantages in a world of pros. Change the limiting beliefs “No one needs this” to the supportive ones “People are looking for opportunities and therefore are waiting for my call.” Find your limiting beliefs, think about them carefully, change them and write them down. The results of this work will surprise you. You will be in excellent resource condition. Calls will no longer be a problem, because further actions become conscious and aimed at making your dreams come true. Don't hesitate for a minute, act.

Now about “Acting”

There is a third secret here and it is to love the process. Everyone has hobbies or hobbies, some like to skate, some like to swim, sew, spend time with a child, or whatever, we are all different. I like running. Why are we doing this? We love to do this, at these moments we are happy. It is when we are looking for our key people that we move our business. The business is moving, there is a result, and we are happy.

Do you want to be happy? Take action. When you are getting ready for a long time, return to “I want” and “I can”, and also, before calling using a script, just call a good person (friend, colleague, loved one) and just start talking, end the conversation with a smile and start making calls with a smile business. Do it, get results, and you will feel good!

Fear of calling a potential client, an advertisement at work, a hospital, strangers - who among us has not ever experienced this feeling? Modern psychologists have even managed to come up with a special term: “telephonophobia”, which, by the way, has already become firmly in fashion. We are afraid to call our neighbors and relatives with requests, we are afraid to invite someone we are interested in on a date, to dinner in a restaurant or a business meeting.

Why is this happening?

The first and most obvious reason for the fear of telephone calls is connected, strange as it may sound, with the spread of so-called “virtual communication”. It would seem that just recently mobile phones appeared, which should, on the contrary, encourage us to actively call each other and not be afraid to do so. But the fact is that people are accustomed to using mobile devices for writing. Today, in the age of the Internet, we try to write more often than call and get used to correspondence rather than voice communication. Therefore, there is a natural fear of calls.

The second reason is determined by the negative scenarios that many draw in their heads before the call. They haven’t called yet, but they already predicted in advance what would happen. As in the joke: now I’ll knock on her door, she’ll open the door and invite her for tea, then we’ll go to bed, she’ll get pregnant, and I’ll have to marry her! It’s the same here – we program ourselves in advance for failure. But why?

It is worth noting that this feature is characteristic, first of all, of suspicious and anxious individuals, with low self-esteem, who are afraid of being rejected. They don't want to pick up the phone and dial the number because they are afraid of anger or simply not answering on the other end of the line.

They mistakenly attribute the inadequate reaction of their interlocutor to themselves. Whereas in reality, the cause, as a rule, is external. A person may just be nervous, or he is busy and hasn’t gotten enough sleep, and he would respond to someone else in exactly the same way. Remember that a happy person is always friendly and will be glad to hear from you at any time of the day.

The third reason is fear of action, which is typical primarily for passive and. It is treated simply: by the action itself. Call. And even if they don’t answer you, you will immediately notice that the fear has already passed. Resetting your dial tone does not mean that they do not want to talk to you. If there is free time and opportunity, they will call you back.

Often the fear of calling arises for another reason - you don’t know what you can talk about on the phone. This deficiency is traditionally associated with underdeveloped social skills. Read on to find out how to solve this problem.

If the call is personal, it is useful to completely forget about yourself before the conversation and take the place of the interlocutor. Imagine how the person spent today, what events he might have had at work, whether he returned home tired, what he did after work in the evening. Think about whether he really enjoys your company - and only then decide whether to call.

If you want to call about a job ad, first make a list of questions you plan to ask the manager. Just in case, also come up with a couple of help phrases so that you can stall for time when unexpected questions arise. Finally, make a few preliminary calibration calls, say, to friends or family, this will reduce the fear of calling your employer.

A very important point. Try to start any telephone conversation in a friendly, calm and friendly tone. When starting a conversation, ask “how are you?”, think in advance about what you can ask your interlocutor, what compliments you can give him. In particular, girls like it when they refer to their pleasant voice, and young people like it when they speak interestingly.

If you have difficulty writing questions, read the book “How to Find Out Absolutely Everything About Any Person. 2000 questions for the best interlocutor in the world.” Author – Anna Sergeeva.

Remember that fear of a call is natural. All people without exception experience it. We all experience some degree of anxiety during telephone conversations, especially with strangers. This is fine.

State the purpose of the call if a short conversation is planned. Repeat it to yourself several times. This will help reduce anxiety during a conversation and tune in to the right wave.

Exercise regularly. Call every day for any questions - reference services, organizations, the library, advertisements, etc. This, firstly, will allow you to develop conversation skills, and secondly, it will make telephone conversations more familiar to you.

Before calls, do the Deep Breathing exercise. Inhale deeply, hold your breath, and on a count of 6 or 8, exhale slowly. Repeat the cycle several times.

Time to call. To ensure that you do not run into a “message”, observe telephone etiquette. On weekdays, calls are allowed from 8.00 to 22.00. On weekends - after 10.00. But if you want to disturb a person who has small children living in the house, it is better to answer the phone no later than 21.00. At a later time, you can only call very close people (friends, relatives), and only for urgent needs. And don't forget that most people are more comfortable speaking during their lunch break.

Record the result of each call. Both successful and unsuccessful. This will help you avoid repeating mistakes and draw important and useful conclusions for the future.

My problem is that I'm afraid of everything, I can't make a phone call or go somewhere to find out something. I have a mad fear that is breaking me. Now everyone has started practice except me, because I haven’t found a place. I’m a lawyer, it really sounds proud, but I don’t have anywhere to do an internship, the fact is that I was trying to find (1 they told me to wait for a call and after waiting until the last minute they didn’t say anything, I called, they said now we’ll find out, we’ll call back and... silence. and now I called another company, it took a lot of effort... they said don’t expect us to call you back, since no one wants to hire trainees) imagine my state, I don’t know what to do at all, and not only now, but also later... I’m at a dead end .

My fear brings me harm, I consciously understand everything... but I can’t do anything with myself.. terrible thoughts come into my head, damn why is life so difficult????
Support the site:

Yuka, age: 21 / 01/15/2013

Responses:

Yuka, don't wait for the fear to disappear. Act, be afraid and take action. We are afraid of the unknown, but when we throw ourselves into this very unknown, it becomes known and ceases to frighten.
When you just start to act independently in life, a lot of things scare you. Do you know what I did in my youth, when I had to go to an unfamiliar place, call or talk to strangers? I was acting out of my role for the moment. If, for example, I need to call a lot of people for work, I called not as myself, but as an employee of the company. When you call about an internship, think of yourself not as “I, Yuka, 21 years old,” but as a student who needs to do an internship. And just achieve your goal and that’s it. Does the student need practice? Needed. She calls and searches. Natural situation.
This is at first. And then, when you gain experience in communication, you won’t even notice - you need to call - call, you need to talk - you talk. Fear will go away when communication becomes a habit...

Nelly, age: ** / 01/15/2013

Yuka, hi. I read your story and I really wanted to help, hug, support. But this is your personal battle. Believe me, no one can overcome this fear for you. We can give advice and set you up. Everything else is up to you. Let's write to the forum, tell us about your problem, they will help you. Read the book Shyness by Philip Zimbardo. Well, don't lose heart, we are with you.

San Sanych, age: 19 / 01/15/2013

Yuka, tell me what thoughts arise when, for example, you are about to make a phone call?

San Sanych, age: 19 / 01/16/2013

I was also wildly afraid to call on the phone and before
I still don’t like doing this, especially calling
all sorts of organizations. Father literally forced
call me for every nonsense, even say "S
so-and-so wants to talk to you...(his name)",
although I thought, “Why doesn’t he
will he call?"

But I gradually got used to it. I understand that
the only option for me to overcome
shyness - make a list. I'm even like that
I made lists when I needed to call
the guy you like.

You write the first phrase on a piece of paper and two from it
arrows: if they answer like this, you answer here
so, if they answer differently, you answer according to
to another. It turned out to be a whole scheme)) and it helped.
Although on the third thread the conversation began to go well
)

Sasha, age: 32 / 01/16/2013

Actually the big problem, in my opinion, is
in your fear no. Most likely you are afraid
call, talk to people just from
insufficient communication experience or from
self-doubt. Quite a long time ago I took
Note to myself that if something bothers me, I
I definitely need to get rid of this. I'm studying
for a journalist and for me too due to my profession
have to do a lot
negotiations, live, telephone. Once upon a time I was like
and you, I was afraid to even make a telephone call
call... I thought about my speech for a long time,
I was training. But then I realized that
side of the phone or is there the same one in front of me
a person like me. He also has two hands, two
legs, he started with something just like me... so
why am I afraid of him? It is still unknown who
com more interested. They didn't open this door -
knock on the other one. Always get your way. ABOUT
I really didn’t like my first practice
remember. I practiced one very
famous newspaper, and the entire editorial staff seemed to me
have not noticed. I didn't know how to do anything, but at the same time
demanded everything from me at once (at the same time
that I studied for exactly two weeks, I’m a correspondence student).
Don't be afraid of anyone, all people are the same. Develop
Self-confidence is your main problem. Break your complexes.
Good luck to you. And you have a very beautiful name. I want it like that
name your daughter)

Fairy tale, age: 19 / 16.01.2013

I, too, am terribly afraid of practice, not to mention work: my palms sweat, my face turns red, I suddenly forget everything at first, but I still act and achieve a lot, although with incredible difficulty and emotional stress.

Christina, age: 26 / 03/09/2013

Of course, the call function is no longer as important on a phone as before; you can send messages and chat on social networks. However, it is still impossible to completely avoid calls. There are always situations in which you need to call, for example, sometimes an interview takes place over the phone, sometimes you need to notify you of being late. The number of people for whom this is becoming a problem is constantly growing.

Unusual problem

For some, calls are a completely normal situation. Others are tormented by the fear of the telephone, they find it difficult to pick up the phone, they rehearse what they will say in advance, dial the number with shaking hands and suffer from panic fear while listening to the dial tone. This is fine! Psychologists explain that hating calls does not mean problems with communication. There are people who are fine with communication, they are simply afraid of calls. In addition, the number of such people is increasing, and the number of calls that need to be made per day is decreasing. This means that the situation is not so critical. One way or another, the phone is still needed for a variety of everyday activities. It’s worth overcoming your fear, but first you need to understand where it comes from.

You don't know what the other person is thinking

You may have heard that more than ninety percent of communication occurs nonverbally. These are not entirely accurate statistics, but the idea is correct: words are only a small part of how we communicate our thoughts. Many other features also influence, for example, facial expression, body language, gestures. All this can only be seen when you talk face to face. When you talk on the phone, only your voice is heard. This may cause nervous tension in some people. Sometimes a completely harmless phrase can seem tense, although in fact it was said with a smile.

Difficulties of perception

On the phone, it is more difficult not only to understand what the other person is saying, but also to feel confident that you know that you are understood. When we talk, we use different facial expressions. For example, raised or furrowed eyebrows can show that you are paying attention. This is not visible on the phone, and the conversation has to be conducted at random, not knowing whether everything is in order. This can lead to awkwardness.

You have limited time

Another reason why calls scare people is time constraints. When you write messages, there are no non-verbal components in them either. But time is on your side, you can collect your thoughts, edit your text, think about it before sending it. When you're on the phone you don't have that option, you have to think on your feet and every word matters. Of course, you can correct your words and apologize, but the effect is not the same, you have already expressed the wrong thought. All pauses also become very important. When communicating face to face, you can see when a person is thinking and distracted. When you're on the phone, any pause is scary and makes you wonder if something is wrong. Also, calls take longer than messages. You can exchange messages while doing something else, but making a call requires your full attention. Because of this, the phone call begins to be perceived as a problem that you just have to put up with.

You feel like you're being judged

In a sense, you are right. If you've ever made a call with other people, you know how awkward it can be to talk while someone listens to you. When you talk face to face, strangers perceive both of you equally. If you are talking on the phone, all attention is focused only on you. You are the only person who speaks, so this situation is inevitable. In addition, researchers have found that half-dialogue, a conversation in which you only hear one side, seems more distracting than a normal conversation. However, sometimes the reason is not the people around you, but the person you are talking to on the phone. Nobody likes to be the subject of judgment from others. Humans are very social because they depend on those around them for survival, so being assessed naturally causes enormous stress. This is the same process as when speaking in public, interviewing for a job, and other similar situations. People are afraid that they will not be able to cope with the task.

Too much self-control

The problem with assessment is especially acute in the case of a conversation with a partner. A person is afraid that he will upset or let down his chosen one, that the conversation will somehow affect the relationship. After all, if the conversation with the help desk agent was awkward, you will never hear from that person again. In conversations with loved ones, everything is different. Because of this, a person begins to control himself too much, consciously adjusting his behavior to the current situation. If you control yourself too much, the conversation may become even more awkward and the problem will escalate. You will focus only on yourself and your behavior, trying to avoid an awkward situation. As a result, you do not pay attention to the interlocutor, and it becomes difficult to maintain a coherent conversation.

You just rarely talk on the phone

This is the simplest reason, but it is also more common. Many people rarely talk on the phone these days. Lack of experience causes anxiety. People understand what messages are and what emoticons to use, but communication on the phone is unfamiliar to them, and they simply do not know the rules associated with it. It's like a pensioner trying to start using a social network: he would feel awkward because he doesn't know what's going on. When you talk to a person face to face, you use intuition. Talking on the phone requires knowledge of certain etiquette. You need to know how to properly move from introducing yourself to the essence of the conversation, where to pause, and how to end the conversation. All of this takes some practice.

How to cope with your fear?

Unfortunately for many, the best way to overcome your fear of phone calls is through regular practice. Think of it as a way to practice: the more you call, the easier it becomes. Approach calls with a specific perspective, strategically transform what you think before the call. For example, if you are afraid of disturbing someone, think about the fact that a really busy person simply won’t pick up the phone. If you are afraid of getting confused in your words, think about your mistake in advance. Understand that your interlocutor spoke not only with you during the day and has probably already heard reservations before you. What seems like a huge problem to you won't even attract the attention of another person. After that, you can try setting specific goals for yourself. For example, try calling someone and talking normally for five minutes. Don't set a goal that is too vague, such as planning to simply not sound too excited on the phone. This cannot be assessed objectively. The key to success is to start small and gradually move towards more complex tasks. If you're afraid to talk, start with calls that have a clearer, more formal structure that you can write down a draft of in advance. Try saying some key phrases out loud. In this case, you can easily dial the number and start a conversation with confidence.

Illustration copyright Getty Images

Do you panic when you hear your phone ringing? Terrified at the mere thought of calling someone? The observer knows what to do.

Today we rarely leave our mobile phones, but many people still experience a genuine and deep fear of phone calls.

Telephobia, recognized as a type of social anxiety disorder, affects people of different generations and from different countries.

Those who suffer from telephobia can comfortably give a speech in front of a huge room full of strangers or send dozens of text messages a day, but shudder in horror when they have to make a simple phone call.

"For many people, talking on the phone is a particularly difficult type of communication," says Jill Eisenstadt, vice president of Joyable, an online counseling company. “You need to think quickly about everything and immediately respond to the words of your interlocutor.”

You need to think quickly about everything and immediately respond to the words of your interlocutor

Modern technologies, which have created conditions for indirect communication, to a certain extent mask the problem of telephobia. As a result, it becomes more difficult to detect, and therefore there are no accurate data on the prevalence of telephobia.

However, fear of talking on the phone can have an extremely negative impact on productivity and labor mobility.

“Some of our clients fail to achieve success in their careers because they are afraid to communicate with other people,” says Eisenstadt. “They avoid conversations until the last minute.”

Stupid look

Telephobia as a phenomenon arose long before the advent of smartphones.

George Dudley and Shannon Goodson wrote the book The Psychology of Fear: Why People Are Afraid to Call Customers back in 1986.

And in 1929, the British poet and writer Robert Graves wrote in his autobiography that he developed a deep fear of using the telephone after being wounded during the First World War.

It's not about the phone itself, it's about communication

Eisenstadt is familiar with more recent cases of telephobia. The phone makes her patients anxious for a variety of reasons.

“It’s not about the phone itself, but about communication,” she says. “For some clients, talking on the phone is an extra risk of blurting out something unnecessary.”

One 27-year-old patient, Eisenstadt, who works in sales, fears that she will start to stammer or pause too long in conversations and thereby make herself look bad in front of clients and colleagues.

Another patient, a 52-year-old financial consultant, also worries about looking stupid on the phone.

Now she communicates with clients only by email so that she can compose a competent response and double-check it.

Sales trainer Jeff Shore says many sales professionals are afraid to make so-called cold calls because they don't want to seem intrusive to potential clients.

With the advent of telephone marketing, the telephone began to be seen as a nuisance that could disrupt a family dinner or distract a person from a favorite activity.

Shore says those he works with are afraid of irritating the person on the other end of the line.

"Sales people say, 'These calls are annoying and I don't want to get them or make them myself,'" he says.

Differences in cultural norms

According to Michael Landers, global director of Culture Crossing, which provides group and one-on-one intercultural communication counseling, some cultures are wary of making phone calls.

Phone anxiety across cultures is closely linked to fear of rejection.

“The Japanese, for example, find it difficult to decide to have a conversation with a stranger - they are afraid of offending the interlocutor or losing face,” explains Landers.

In Indonesia, where the average person sends about a hundred text messages a day, this method of communication is simply considered more convenient than phone calls.

According to Landers, fear of the phone across cultures is closely related to the fear of being rejected, regardless of whether the issue being discussed is setting up a meeting or closing a deal.

“I don’t know of any culture that welcomes refusal,” he says. “However, everyone’s understanding of refusal is different.”

Acquire a skill

To help their patients cope with their fear of the phone, many psychotherapists use cognitive behavioral therapy methods.

Eisenstadt asks patients to describe the anxious thoughts they have about their phone conversations and discusses worst-case scenarios with them.

"We help them understand that it's not scary or dangerous," she says.

Over time, they get into practice and start making small calls - for example, ordering pizza.

He also advises understanding for yourself how the caller can be useful to the person on the other end of the line.

“The most important thing is to have the right motivation,” he says. When a sales professional understands how he can help a potential client, it becomes easier for him to make those cold calls.

"When you discover that your worst fears are not realized, your perception of cold calling changes," Shore explains.

And if a person himself does not understand what the benefit of his call is, there is no point in calling at all.

Telephobia is most often studied in sales professionals, but it affects people in a variety of professions, from journalists and public relations specialists to secretaries, lawyers, consultants and many other workers who have to receive and make calls as part of their job duties.

Telephobia can even prevent you from getting a job if a job candidate panics at the thought of a telephone interview.

Sometimes managers have to adapt to the habits of their employees.

Molly Irani is the Director of Hospitality at Chai Pani Restaurant Group, which owns restaurants in Asheville, North Carolina and Atlanta, Georgia.

She says the company employs 180 people, but Irani can count the number of people who answer her call on one hand.

She says she's gotten used to texting employees, many of whom are under 35.

Irani understands his colleagues' dislike of the phone. A call can take you by surprise when you are simply not ready to talk to anyone.

She says things have changed, and her younger employees can avoid the awkward situations that arise on the phone thanks to numerous alternative means of communication.

“Many of us have experienced this hostility, but we had no choice but to overcome it,” says Irani. “We have acquired this skill, but the new generation does not have to do it.”

Five ways to cope with telephobia

• Think about the worst case scenario - usually things are not as bad as you think.
• Think about why you need a call - to inform a client or get important information?
• Think in advance about how you will start and end the conversation - ending a conversation gracefully is often the hardest thing to do.
• To practice, start with small calls that don't involve major risks - for example, calling a food delivery service.
• Remember that no one expects you to be perfect in everything.