Home. Conversation about polite words

Natalya Kaptsova - practitioner of integral neuroprogramming, expert psychologist

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When we talk about violence, we usually mean physical violence. But it’s usually not customary to talk about psychological things. More precisely, no one thinks about the fact that this is “violence”, and that it has consequences.

And the culprit is toxic people who poison our lives...

A toxic person - what is he like, and why should you avoid his impact on your life?

One day, stopping and thinking, you begin to understand that this or that person (perhaps even the one closest to you) acts on you like a small daily portion of poison: it seems that you can tolerate it in small doses, but gradually the poison accumulates in the body, and it starts to malfunction.

This person is ruining your life, knowing this perfectly well, and the worse it is for you, the better it is for him.

And, in principle, it doesn’t really matter in what way a toxic person poisons your life, what matters is whether you know what to do in this situation.

Who is this toxic person, and how exactly does he ruin our lives?

• Controls and.
• She constantly cries, suffers, and demonstrates her problems to the whole world. So that everyone would know how bad he was, and everyone would rush to help.
• Uses others to satisfy solely his own desires.
• He is critical of everything and everyone: “everything is fine” - this is not about him. Everything is always bad for him.
• Terribly jealous, selfish and envious.
• Never to blame for his problems (as he thinks).
• Very dependent on something. Not necessarily from alcohol or other substances. For example, from card games and so on.
• Likes to suffer and harm himself.
• Enjoys when he manages to ruin someone's mood.
• Communicates in the language of cruel jokes, sarcasm, and causticity. He does not hesitate to make humiliating comments even about his loved ones.
• Rude, insensitive, 100% selfish, incorrect.
• I am convinced that only he is the ultimate truth.
• Likes to lie about little things to maintain his image.
• Does not control his emotional state, because “everyone should accept it as it is.”
• In a relationship, they are always looking not for a soul mate, but for a victim who will be tortured for years until the victim realizes his plight and runs away.

Video: Beware, “Toxic People”!

Why is it important to get rid of (and get rid of on time) toxic people?

Ill-wishers, wittingly or unwittingly, hinder your normal life and slow down the process of comprehensive development in every sense. You miss the most important moments in your life, reconsider important decisions, lose friends and opportunities, and even gradually (oh horror) turn into a toxic person yourself. And this continues until you realize that you have become a victim of such a person, and until you protect yourself from his harmful influence.

A toxic person could be your boss, your best friend, your parent, or even your significant other. And, if it is easy to isolate a toxic outsider (simply not communicate), then with all of the above the situation is more complicated. Well, how can you isolate yourself from the man you live with, from your friend or your boss?

The result of communicating with a toxic person is always conflict and stress, and the latter, getting out of control, begins to poison consciousness, health, etc. That is why it is important to identify such people in time and protect yourself from their toxic influence.

10 signs that other people are toxic to you - how to recognize a toxic person in your immediate environment?

There are many signs of human toxicity (we will list the main ones), but it is important to understand that a person cannot be recognized as toxic only by 1-2 signs listed below.

Only if most of the “symptoms” coincide can we talk about the toxicity of a particular person (and the diagnosis, naturally, has nothing to do with medicine).

So, what are the signs that you can use to understand that you are being “poisoned” by toxic communication?

1. You are constantly being drawn into some kind of “drama” that you absolutely do not want to get involved in. Your reaction to this or that drama is always emotional. You are provoked to emotions.
2. It is unpleasant or uncomfortable for you to communicate with a person. You are constantly looking for reasons to reduce communication time or avoid it altogether.
3. After communicating with a toxic person, you feel like a “squeezed lemon” : you get tired quickly, feel psychological exhaustion, sometimes your head even starts to hurt.
4. You are tormented by a feeling of guilt because this person is unpleasant to you , and for not doing more for him than you can. Moreover, the feeling of guilt is instilled in you from the outside.
5. You constantly have to do something for this person. , correct his mistakes, redo his work, do for him what he simply gave up on, and so on.
6. When he feels bad, you are always there, but you are never reciprocated.
7. You feel like a damp vest , into which they not only cry every day, but also try to blow their nose. You hope that now, after you saved this whiner again, he will begin to live like a human being, but alas...
8. A toxic person doesn't know the word "no." More precisely, he knows, but only if he himself denies you something again. You have no right to refuse him.
9. The world should revolve only around this person , and you are next to him - to bring a cup, wipe away tears and do his work. Your values, principles and interests are not a priority.
10. You are hooked and in complete control . You have no right to your own opinion, desires or victory in an argument.

If you find a coincidence of your reality with 6-10 of these symptoms of “poisoning,” it means that it’s urgently time for you to change something in your life.

Video: Protection from toxic people

How to get rid of toxic people and their negative effects - instructions

If communication with toxic people cannot be avoided, then you need to minimize the consequences of “poisoning”.

How to do it?

• Learn to say no. No matter how difficult it may be. Even if it is the closest person.
• Don't let them sit on your neck and dangle knives. Everyone knows what happens to the neck from heavy stress.
• Set boundaries that a person should not cross. Show him these frames. His first and second hysterics, misunderstanding and non-acceptance of your new framework can be endured. And then the person will understand that “where he sits down, he will get off,” and this trick will no longer work with you.
• Wean yourself off feeling awkward and tormented by remorse for what you are not obliged to do. In the end, you are not Mother Teresa to follow this man day and night, do his work, listen to his whining and rush from the other end of the city at his first request. Don't let yourself get sucked into this emotional vortex.
• Feel free to distance yourself whenever you feel like it. You don't have to listen to him rant all evening about his bad day when you have your own things to do. And simply - you don’t have to listen. And if this is unpleasant for you, feel free to demonstrate your dislike. You can just smile, say goodbye and go about your business. When you look at your watch for the nth time in the midst of his next hysteria and dramatically exclaim, “Oh, I have to go,” he will understand that he needs to stop whining or look for another “vest.” Both are to your advantage.
• Lock your emotions with a bolt next to this person. If you don't know how not to react and you can't escape, distract yourself. Read a book, watch a movie, etc. at this moment. Another option for emotional distancing is to look at a person like a psychiatrist looks at the object of research. And remember that your emotions are his food. You won’t voluntarily expose your neck to a vampire, will you? So – smile and wave!
• Analyze your behavior. Where exactly are you slacking? What does your toxic friend play? What gills is it holding you by? All these traits are your shortcomings that make you vulnerable. Get rid of them hard and fast.
• If it seems to you that something is wrong, it doesn’t seem to you. Trust your intuition and don't make excuses for a toxic person.
• The biggest mistake is to endure the situation due to the fact that “so much has been invested in this relationship...” (effort, money, time, feelings, etc.). It does not matter. It is clear that everyone is afraid of losses, but in the end this loss will become your gain and an inoculation against new toxic relationships.
• Be prepared for the toxic person to fight back. That is, he will try with redoubled force to return your relationship to its previous course. Or even begin to take revenge. But fear of revenge is for the weak.

What to do if a toxic person is your friend, loved one, loved one, how to behave with him?

If the toxic person is that saleswoman in the store or a work colleague with whom you can reduce communication to “hello and bye” - this is still normal.

The situation in which a close friend, parent, or even other half becomes the “poisoner” is much more complicated. Most often, they are toxic in their excessive care and sense of permissiveness.

For example, your mother comes to your home without asking and puts things in order, a friend allows herself to come even in the middle of the night and tell you what to do, and a loved one reads your correspondence in the mail as if it were his own, citing the phrase “what do you have?” what to hide?

Of course, these are not the worst “sins” of our toxic loved ones, but sometimes “poisoners” really cross all boundaries.

What to do?

• Try your best to maintain your personal boundaries. Set those boundaries, read the rules out loud to everyone who needs them read, and enforce them at all costs. Until a person understands that your boundaries cannot be violated. You yourself know what exactly causes you discomfort or even pain. Draw conclusions and just act. Don't wait for the accumulated stress to blow the lid.
• Assess the situation - does the boundaries make sense at all? Perhaps the poisoning has already become so severe that “the patient is more dead than alive.”
• It is difficult to convince a toxic person of anything with words. Because he is the one who is always right, and he simply will not hear your arguments, as well as your problems. Therefore, demonstrate your dissatisfaction in a mirror way. Usually it gets there faster and better.
• If you love a person very much and do not want to part with him, find the strength in yourself to come to terms with his minor shortcomings. But return his poison to him in mirror.
• If you decide to say goodbye to a person and realize that the poisoning has reached its limit, do not delay. Don't say goodbye for a long time. Don't give a toxic person a reason to stop you. And you don't have to explain anything. If, when breaking up, you are afraid of conflict, think in advance where and how to do this in order to protect yourself from serious conflict, revenge and cruelty.
• Try to eliminate all opportunities for random encounters with the toxic person you broke up with. : change the locks in the apartment, change the phone number, block the person on social networks, etc.

And remember that marriage or consolidation of relationships by living together is not a license to poison your life.

If a person is in a close relationship with you, he should take care of you even more, and not “poison” you from morning to evening, because you are his property.

Have there been similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!

"The goal of psychotherapy is to make people free. The work of a psychotherapist should be to help people gain freedom to realize and realize their capabilities. Focusing on a cure for a specific illness or on solving a single problem is wrong. The goal of therapy is to help clients expand and develop their consciousness , thereby pushing them towards the possibility of free choice and responsibility for it."
Rollo May

This may sound like: “I have a bad relationship with my husband/wife or parents, I want to change our relationship,” “I just can’t find a loved one, I want to start a family,” “I’m very irritable, I want to become calmer,” “I can’t find my professional calling, where I can realize myself,” “I don’t want to be so weak-willed,” “I’ve lost the meaning of life, I feel empty,” and so on. This list can be endless.

It seemed that this was an obvious problem, and it needed to be solved now. But, if a person comes to the doctor with some serious complaint and symptom, it is unlikely that the doctor will immediately refer the patient to some procedure, operation or write a prescription. To begin with, a diagnosis will be carried out, tests will be taken, and the necessary examinations will be completed. So it is with the human psyche, this is a very complex system and its processes require careful attention and study of a person’s life, how he lives, builds relationships with himself, others and this world, but not urgent “surgical intervention”.

There are many external manifestations of deep-rooted and complicated internal problems that clearly do not seem to be related to each other. A person suffers from external behavior, wants to remove it, not understanding what an important role it now plays in his life, what is hidden behind it in the depths of his inner world.

For example, a girl comes to a session who is puzzled by the fact that she cannot find a man and asks for help with this, but when we start working, it turns out that she lives with her parents, who are actively trying to “match” her, but she still doesn’t doesn’t dare, and then we come to the conclusion that she is very afraid for her parents, feels great responsibility for them, at the same time she receives protection and support from them, they help her make many decisions in life. And, of course, if she gets married, she will have another family and she will still “let go” of her parents, she will have to live an “adult” life, make independent decisions, make mistakes, she will not feel that protection and guardianship.

Or another case, when a man is unable to create a long-term relationship, he has not tried lately, because he initially sees that it will lead nowhere. In the course of therapy, we discover his desire for guarantees in relationships that are important to him from his partner, the fear of uncertainty is revealed, the desire to control his life and other people, great self-doubt, resentment towards women, the fear that they will use him and reject him.

Therefore, at the beginning of psychotherapy, a person usually sees the tip of the iceberg of his situation and problem; in order to see the main part, it is necessary to dive into his “way of being” together between the therapist and the client.

Fears play a big role in how we live, what life scenarios we choose, what problems we face. There are a myriad of them, but I would like to dwell on the most basic ones and define them more existentially. Fears in general have a very strong and important resource - they allow us to avoid a dangerous object, allow us to preserve ourselves, and this helps us survive, so experiencing fear is quite normal in our nature. But we also need fear so that a person, overcoming it, moves forward, matures, changes, adapts and adapts to this unpredictable life. “The ability to be yourself depends on the ability to face your anxiety and move forward in spite of your anxiety.”

At the beginning of psychotherapy, these fears may be completely invisible to both the therapist and the client himself; they are not on the surface; at the beginning, we rather see the consequences of these fears.

What fears affect us and our lives?

From childhood we get used to the fact that we are praised for good behavior, for bringing an "A" from school, for achieving 1st place in a sports competition, and for the fact that teachers speak well of us. Our parents are very pleased when we please them with our achievements. This fuels their own self-esteem, because their child is an extension of themselves. If we study poorly, are late for school, get our clothes dirty, do things our own way, spoil equipment, break dishes, then we immediately receive a negative assessment and are scolded.

Children learn for themselves that they can receive positive emotions and admiration from their parents, their environment, their love and acceptance by fulfilling certain conditions. And then we accept this “evaluating parent” into our inner world and live as with a part of ourselves. We begin to scold and criticize ourselves that we can’t do something, we try to do everything right, behave as we should, be good boys and girls in order to receive approval from others and from ourselves. This fear prevents us from taking risks, improvising and trying something new, because we are afraid of not being able to cope, of making a mistake, and then it will be painful for us, we will begin to “gnaw” ourselves, because we do not meet our criteria. This stops us in our development, we feel constant tension, whether we are doing everything right, we doubt, we worry, we replay these stories over and over again, we blame ourselves and others. All because we cannot calmly accept that we were wrong and this is normal for any human being.

For example, one young man, in every possible way, before doing any significant act, making an important decision, collected opinions, recommendations, advice from authoritative and knowledgeable people. Yes, he was afraid of making a mistake, so he played it safe and double-checked, trying to share responsibility for his possible failure with others. After all, after that he would “eat” himself and blame himself, and spend even more energy on the ideal choice.

If you have discovered this “critical parent” in yourself, who haunts you and those around you, do not rush to fight him, the most important thing is to look at him, realize and understand how he works, what he achieves and what he gives you. Perhaps it protects you from painful feelings, of course, it prevents you from developing, but at the same time it “does” its important job. Therefore, it is important to accept, gradually recognize it, get to know it, understand it, and then the painful damage from it in your life will lessen.

Fear of inadequacy or fear of rejection

I have combined these fears into one category because they have a starting point and a common nature. Of course, they are directly related to the previous point, and to some extent to all the fears that are described here.

Many people build their lives on receiving the approval of others, on seeking recognition and appreciation from others, on receiving love and admiration. This is transformed into completely different, but having similar reasons, manifestations of behavior, lifestyle, and way of building relationships with others. For example, this may be expressed in the desire to fit in with a certain circle of people in clothes, cars, manner of speaking and behaving, and to build around oneself a “legend” of success, importance and significance. These people are most afraid of not measuring up and not being recognized; getting a bad grade is akin to rejection, recognition of their imperfection.

In extreme cases, such people can be filled with very toxic feelings of anger, resentment, fear of inadequacy and shame. They devalue, show disrespect for other people and their feelings, criticize, are demonstrably disappointed in the other and destroy the other person. It gives them a sense of "inner victory" over their feelings, just as it is a drug that gives relief after taking it, this destruction of the dignity of another gives them a sense of self-worth. These people, pushing many away from themselves, losing relationships, friends, loved ones, paradoxically most of all need other people, their love and acceptance. I will not indicate here any diagnoses and so on, as this may interfere with a person’s exploration of himself.

But often this has its origins in a painful childhood wound, which arose due to rejection by parents or loved ones, loss of such desired love from them, lack of acceptance and sensitivity to the child’s inner world, attention to his feelings, experiences, needs when he needs it most in that.

Fear of rejection can also be expressed in a completely, seemingly opposite manifestation. For example, it is very difficult for a person to set boundaries, say “no”, be himself, and not always try to please others. After all, when expressing yourself, you may not like someone. Such a person, like a “powerful radar,” picks up the attitude towards himself, what emotions he evokes in others and tries in every possible way to adapt, to do something pleasant, to seem good. After all, when he felt a negative attitude or even a “neutral” one, he experiences the same pain of rejection.

Unfortunately, a person may understand with his head that everyone will not like it, but this already works as an established pattern and way of interacting with the world, the origins of which can also be in childhood, when the child experienced parental rejection, loss, emotional coldness, and his psyche I perceived this as my own guilt of what was happening. And now this person is trying to earn the love of others.

And this condition has different manifestations. One woman was completely unable to show anger; she had to feel this feeling inside and restrain it when someone let her down, offended her, or violated her boundaries. She immediately found excuses for these people, began to get angry with herself, that she was stupid again and allowed others to use her. When she looked further into herself, her life experience, her relationships with people, she saw a great fear that people would turn away from her completely if she showed anger, expressed her opinion, and refused them. They will consider her bad, and she will lose relationships, acceptance and love from others, her image of “good for everyone”, which allowed her to create the illusion of her own worth.

Such fear of rejection can develop into love addiction, when a person can no longer “breathe” without the other, into some kind of desire for “merger,” and also sooner or later lead to severe depressive states, self-flagellation, destruction of self-esteem and devaluation of oneself.

Fear of intimacy

Fear of intimacy is not often found on the surface in people’s behavior. No, these are not hermits and loners, although there are such people too. How then is the fear of intimacy expressed, what kind of fear is it, what is a person afraid of? Yes, there are people who openly admit and say that they want to be outside of relationships, they see this as difficulties for their lives, they want independence, and family and children will only limit their freedom and vibrant life. In this, too, one can see the fear of being dependent on someone, and relationships are always a kind of dependence, the fear of not realizing one’s individuality will dissolve among everyday life. Such relationships in a person look superficial, quick and easy, when he keeps other people at a distance, he wears a mask and lets other people close.

For example, one man, if he felt that a woman liked him, he immediately began to criticize her. He wanted intimacy and relationships, but rudely drove away women who showed tender feelings towards him. The relationship didn't even begin. Later, he adjusted his behavior, becoming more courteous with women and stopping being rude to them, he began dating them, but for a long time he could not maintain these relationships, sooner or later he began to covertly push them away. As soon as he fell in love with a woman, he still began to express complaints and criticism, and the relationship was destroyed again, at some point he began to make the woman leave him herself, and ceased to show attention and interest. It had never occurred to him that he might have a deep fear of intimacy with a woman, a fear that she might destroy him. Actually, his criticism of women was precisely that very protective mechanism that repelled them, his way of self-defense.

Or a woman who began to feel afraid that she could not start a family. She constantly meets married men or starts relationships with those who consider her for an easy romance and sex without commitment. When she began to talk about what an ideal relationship means to her, how she imagines them, what experience she already had in communicating with men, then feelings and anxieties immediately appeared - how could she be in an ordinary relationship, where both they want to sincerely connect their lives with each other, are mutually interested in each other, no one deceives or hides their relationship on the side, in which she does not try to fight for a man with another woman, does not feel tension and fear that he will reject her. Why, why can’t she meet a free man who wants to build family happiness with her? Here she gets lost and experiences obvious anxiety, confusion - how can she be in such a relationship, because she herself is afraid of them! She was so accustomed to this struggle for love and sincerity that the struggle itself replaced them for her, because it was safer than frightening intimacy and relationships.

Therefore, I would like to draw attention to the fact that relationships may not work out not because there is no suitable partner, but because of his fear of intimacy, his fear of opening up, experiencing disappointment, becoming dependent on another, being rejected and suffering pain. Perhaps, having had a traumatic experience with loved ones and not living through it, not accepting it in one’s life and not changing oneself, a person is deprived of the opportunity to create harmonious relationships.

Fear of your own feelings

We all experience negative feelings throughout our lives. We are designed in such a way that we encounter our emotional and sensory sphere every day, at every second, we experience feelings, emotions, some affects. This is part of our nature, part of our life, it is a compass that helps us navigate our own desires and our inner state, gives us a way to better understand ourselves and other people. Of course, when a person ignores them, strives throughout his life to rely only on rational arguments and argumentation, he clamps down on his feelings even more, tries to amputate them, and then simply stops hearing them and managing them, stops understanding himself and others. After all, it’s our feelings that don’t lie! A person begins to become more and more afraid of his own feelings, does not understand how to use them, what their range and scope are, what the consequences of their manifestation are.

We live in an unfair and sometimes cruel world, where there is grief and the loss of a loved one, the pain of rejection by another person, resentment and disappointment from betrayal, irritation and anger at people close to us. All these feelings are painful, they eat away at us, torment us and even paralyze our lives, affecting relationships with loved ones. Therefore, we want to drown them out, pretend that everything is fine, switch to some activity, get new impressions, give ourselves the attitude “I’m fine”, everything will pass. But this is self-deception, which sooner or later will be revealed, not lived through. and unconscious feelings will turn into new fears, defenses, and will begin to affect our health and communication with loved ones. You cannot run away from yourself, and even less so from your feelings.

A man who has experienced a loss, the death of his loved one and has not grieved it, gathered his strength, drowned out his pain, after some time he may face severe depression, loss of the meaning of life and loneliness. While he “headed” these feelings away from himself, they “wandered” like wine in a bottle, not getting a way out, touching his whole being, poisoning his life, after which it was difficult for him to let another person get close, and if he tried, then he expelled this person from his life in every possible way - he could not “let go” of that departed loved one at all. Or a girl, faced with her mother’s rejection at a young age, the lack of love, affection and tenderness, who did not have real support, already at a more mature age denied that pain, resentment and anger towards her mother, that helplessness and fear that she experienced, she was afraid now to lose the remaining mother she has. But the price for this was that she destroyed relationships with other people, devalued them, expressed internal aggression, and was very touchy and vulnerable.

It may seem that by immersing ourselves in our feelings, experiencing them, realizing them, we become weaker. One young man always tried to talk through his feelings, and when we tried to stop and immerse ourselves in them, tears rolled down his eyes, behind which there was a lot of pain, but he was afraid that this would make him weaker, “break down” and not be able to cope. So, it is in contact with one’s feelings, one’s pain and anxiety, fears, sadness and other experiences that a person, on the contrary, becomes stronger, better understands himself, his life, other people, and gains stability and integrity.

Fear of losing control or fear of uncertainty

This is now a very common phenomenon in the lives of many people. You can often see how a person tries to calculate, think through, insure and control everything in his life so that, God forbid, something goes wrong. Any uncertainty causes anxiety in these people, which makes them very difficult to take risks and try something new, much less ready for direct self-expression and spontaneity. This concerns success in relationships where there is a high degree of unpredictability and willingness to open up to new things, to accept another person into your world, to try to understand him and through him to understand and see yourself differently and change. After all, the key to intimacy, sincere feelings, interest in each other, sexual intimacy and pleasure from it is the readiness for spontaneity in expressing oneself.

There are often people who promote the patriarchal way of life and regret that the traditions of the past are disappearing, where each family member has their own role, parents impose certain professions on their children, determine who to date, start a family, and so on. One man lamented that what a pity that he was not born 200-300 years ago, when his parents and community from a young age choose a mate for him, a woman for married life, and he would not have to suffer from the choice now. But he is afraid that he will choose the wrong woman with whom he will be happy, and will not be able to control that everything will go exactly this way. And life is unpredictable by its nature.

There are people who schedule their time and fill every segment of their life with some activities; they do not tolerate emptiness. For example, one of these men could not imagine a vacation; this was a problematic period for him, because he had to figure out what to do with him, what to do. Or one girl was very worried that a person in a relationship might behave differently than he imagined at the beginning; she really wanted guarantees, confidence that the rules that were announced at the beginning would not be broken.

Here people experience clear anxiety and resistance to freedom, followed by personal responsibility for choices and consequences. It is very scary for them to feel that a person inside has complete freedom of choice and will, and they want to limit this freedom for themselves, to predetermine their life with something and not make choices, not make mistakes for which they are responsible, suffer, blame themselves. Freedom is not such a wonderful and inspiring state for these people; they unconsciously do not know how to use it.

The other extreme of this fear is a dulling of the vision of opportunities to change one’s life, the inability to choose an alternative path, retention and persistent stuckness in one’s usual way of life, as they say in the “native swamp”. Yes, it can bring pain, discomfort, a person suffers, complains, but he is simply paralyzed by the thought that everything could be different. Here, ready-made and familiar scenarios have already been developed that bring certain benefits. Such benefits can also accrue to those close to them, who in every possible way resist the changes of this person.

So, we all live with our fears, which were formed during our lives, they arose as protection from painful feelings, experiences, from the repetition of certain traumatic events, or as ways to make up for what we lacked. But these defenses and methods sooner or later become ineffective, rigid, harsh and prevent us from being alive. This can be described as resistance to life, development, growth, creating harmonious relationships, professional fulfillment, self-expression of the present, following one’s own desires. We lose all this when we begin to live in the illusions of our fears and as hostages to the “guardians” of our peace and well-being, who are already preventing us from leaving our own prison.

Have there been situations in your life when literally two steps before the long-awaited result something happened and you achieved nothing? Or they thought in advance: “I won’t succeed anyway!” – and haven’t even started to realize your dream? Or did you “quit the game”, losing interest, at the very first achievements? What is behind such self-sabotage? What are we afraid of? It turns out that you can fear not only trouble, but also triumph.

Oddly enough, most people are accustomed to being gray mice and are unconsciously afraid of achieving success. What is this fear associated with? In general, fear of success has two components: fear of change and low self-esteem, according to materials from the Mail.ru website.

Is it worth sticking your neck out?

On the launch pad to success, as a rule, we all suddenly begin to be afraid of... change. Some quickly cast aside doubts and rush forward on the wings of victory. Others (the vast majority) begin to lie awake at night, suffer and worry. It seems to them that any achievement will definitely change the usual life and attitude of people; they begin to be afraid of being rejected by their immediate environment - family and friends. In general, all sorts of thoughts are overwhelming: they will sharply increase their social status - even close relatives will envy, they are afraid of facing aggression and the envy of acquaintances. Or become a victim of a crime. They are afraid that friends will start asking for money and, God forbid, not return it - and the friendship will be upset. Or quite funny: don’t swear off money or prison...

The subconscious may worry that a lot of money will make a person unscrupulous and inhumane - especially if the rich were scolded in your parental family, then you will not want to be a “capitalist shark”. Perhaps as a child you were taught the folk wisdom “keep your head down,” and an incomprehensible anxiety now prevents you from rising above your usual social circle. You may fear feeling guilty that you have taken the place of people more worthy of success.

And, finally, the most important thing - if the social status changes, how to correspond to the achieved level? Where is the guarantee that you will cope with the new responsibility and new problems that come with victory? Constantly maintaining success will undoubtedly require enormous efforts, incomparable with the current ones; there may be no time left for meeting with friends, for entertainment, even for family. And, unconsciously fearing all these problems, a person himself often begins to hinder his well-being.

How to break free from the captivity of doubts?

Take five concrete steps to ensure you overcome your fear of change and are on top of your success.

1. First answer the question: what are you willing to pay for success? How ready are you to change – to become a different person? Visualize your new life in advance after achieving the desired result. Imagine yourself in the future five years from now – what does your environment look like? Where and with whom do you live, what do you drive, where and how do you relax? What is your relationship with relatives and friends? Have you refused to communicate with pessimists who are dragging you down? Are you ready to move to a new environment that suits your social status? How do you communicate with colleagues and subordinates? What do you spend your earned money on?

2. Now ask your future self, looking back, how did you become so successful? What have you been through? What did you sacrifice? What did you give up? And write down in detail, year by year, exactly what you did to get to the top. Now you have an action plan for the next five years. Regularly return to your dream - adjust and complete the desired image. And implement an action plan to become exactly what you want.

3. Find a team of like-minded people - people who share your values, who will strive for success with you, and not pull you back into the usual swamp. It's even better to start communicating with people who are more successful than you are now. For example, you can join the entrepreneurs club in your city so that the transition to the next level is as painless as possible for you.

4. Discuss where you see your future in five years with your spouse or best friend. Create a dream together. Perhaps together it will be easier for you to overcome all the steps on the way to the top. And a common goal usually brings people together.

5. Arrange for a higher-ranking person you respect to become your mentor. With his advice and recommendations, he will help you quickly make a career or achieve success in business. In exchange, you can provide feasible services.

Slaves of low self-esteem

This problem manifests itself in the deep-seated belief “I’m really nothing of myself” and a lack of self-confidence that does not change even under the influence of real achievements. A person constantly experiences anxiety and devalues ​​any of his successes, being confident in his heart that the results achieved are random and do not belong to him, “just lucky” and at any moment he can be exposed as a fraudster and “kicked out in shame.” His main internal problem is the inability to “appropriate” his results and achievements. A person constantly feels a deep experience of his own uselessness, unimportance, inadequacy. He is sure that he is simply deceiving those around him, and this bluff can be revealed at any moment. In his distorted picture of the world, his own efforts and merits are in no way connected with the result. And hence the constant anxiety of making an irreparable mistake. Where did such Akaki Akakievich come from in the modern world?

As usual, the origins lie in early childhood. Most often, the parents of such a child demand too much from the child and rarely praise him. Having failed to realize themselves, parents begin to expect endless victories and rewards from their child, mercilessly criticizing and humiliating the child for every mistake. The child does not feel loved and “unconditionally accepted.” Often this situation is aggravated by a younger brother or sister, whom parents love “just like that”, without achievements. And as an adult, such a person endlessly tries to prove to dad or mom that he is capable of winning and is worthy of their love, and often breaks down.

People who come from a dysfunctional family or “from the bottom” often also feel like upstarts, whose achievements are dictated by a lucky coincidence of circumstances, and not by internal qualities and hard work.

This problem can be aggravated by any failures and setbacks that hit self-esteem. It doesn’t matter if your loved one rejected you or fired you from your job, it often takes years to regain self-confidence after a fiasco.

Bravely pedal!

What to do if you find such signs in yourself?

1. Remember all your childhood episodes of parental criticism and dissatisfaction. What did your parents tell you? Now think about it. For a long time now, that young woman who dreamed of a first place for her little child in order to confirm her own importance as a good mother has not existed. You have the right to perceive your childhood achievements and failures differently. From the perspective of an adult, re-evaluate the victories and defeats of the little child you were. As a result of this work, you will allow yourself to make mistakes and not always be perfect.

2. Write on paper the story of your life successes and victories. List in detail absolutely everything, even the most insignificant achievements. Everything that may not be in the life history of other people. For example, passing an excellent exam, receiving a diploma, successful performance, winning a competition, promotion, a published article or an interview with you. Determine what exactly is your merit and your work, and what part of success is the result of luck. You will be surprised to discover that you have achieved almost everything in life yourself.

3. Get yourself a “notebook of achievements.” Every evening before going to bed, write down what successes and victories you had during the day. At first, it will be difficult for you to admit that much is achieved thanks to your efforts. Then you will begin to appreciate your own merits.

4. Allow yourself to make mistakes. You don't have to be able to do everything and always know the right answer. Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Without failure, it is impossible to learn anything and achieve nothing. Think of your mistakes as feedback to help you understand what you need to do differently next time. Think back to yourself as a child - how many times did you fall before you learned to ride a bike? But if there were no falls, there would be no result. Start doing something completely new to you - dancing, an unusual sport, drawing. You will see how mistakes give a powerful impetus to achievements.

5. Take criticism calmly and be guided by facts. Often negative remarks addressed to others are caused by envy or other internal problems of the critic. You don't have to believe everything you're told. Objectively evaluate how fair the criticism is, whether it corresponds to reality, and whether it does not distort the truth. Separate the emotions and thoughts of the critic from the facts. Do you really need to worry so much about the opinions of strangers? Why should you be guided by the judgments of sometimes less successful and competent people?

6. Rejoice in your successes. Be proud of yourself. Practice saying “Thank you” in response to compliments. I am very pleased that you consider me…” and repeat the compliment. Learn to brag about your victories. You really put your work and knowledge into the result achieved!

7. Thank the world for the rewards you have received. Your task is to enjoy these gifts, to feel pleasure from your achievements. Ask yourself the question: “Why do I need this?” – how you live your success is much more important than why you achieved it.

When we're talking about about success, few people realize that it can be feared and sabotaged. Think about it: do you have a fear of achievement? Do the exercises we suggest and come out on top. Why not?

Have there been situations in your life when a woman’s ability... to wait until a man makes a decision and understands what he needs, everything changed for the better? Do you believe that if a person is truly YOURS, he cannot leave because of a misunderstanding or misunderstanding? And that sometimes you don’t need to explain anything, just let go and wait?

Definitely yes!

My friend had this. She patiently waited for her husband’s decision, was very worried, but did not bother him, occasionally wrote SMS and was not offended if he did not answer. After 2 months he returned. :) I think everything is very individual, it depends on the specific situation and the reason for the man’s departure.

Yes, I believe that if a person is truly YOURS, he cannot leave because of a misunderstanding, misunderstanding? And that sometimes you don’t need to explain anything, just let go and wait?

yes, there were such situations.........and now I have such a situation.... sometimes it really takes time (for both men and women) to make a decision and weigh the PROS and CONS. I think that if a person is really destined by fate, he will weigh everything and simply cannot exist without YOU, but again, the time of reflection should not drag on for long. My time of reflection for my man dragged on for a long time (5 months), and I really understand that I MY HOPES THIS TIME IS KILLING, killing slowly and surely.

I know situations where a woman, in order to speed up a man’s thinking, distanced him from her and, if he really valued this woman, he made a decision very quickly. And all these men’s excuses about the fact that he needs to think and make a decision are, as a rule, only delaying the inevitable end until it is convenient for him to part with the woman. Therefore, if such a situation occurs to you, do not hope for a favorable outcome and do not wait, you will only waste time. And yet, men don’t leave because of a misunderstanding; if he needs a woman, he doesn’t care about all the misunderstandings, he will still pursue her. It’s only in your head that the hope is smoldering that he left because of a misunderstanding, he left because everything was clear to him and he didn’t need anything else from this woman.

There were such situations. Only everything changed for the worse. If you let a man know that you are waiting, he will make you wait forever. And he will lead his normal life. You're waiting. You'll just have to wait. I believe that if this is your person, he will not keep you waiting. After all, your person is not looking for time to meet someone else, to compare, to think where he will be better. Maybe he won’t feel better with you, but he loves you, so he will be ready to go through all the hardships with you. Misunderstandings cannot be avoided, neither can misunderstandings. They leave because he doesn't need you anymore. Neither bad nor good, nothing at all.

Yes they were. I think if you really love, you have to be able to let go. You may not agree with the man, but you respect his decision and accept it. However, a man needs to know that you love him and what you think about the situation. Then he will be grateful for the freedom that he was given and will make the right decision, even after some time. But there is a fine line here; an uncomplaining slave who will wait for him all her life is also not worth pranking. The man left, which means you are now free and don’t owe him anything, for example, be in touch all the time, talk to him on the phone when he gets sad, not to mention the fact that there shouldn’t be any meetings. Ideally, he should not know anything about how and what a woman lives now. Self-esteem must be preserved.

Yes they were. A woman should be able to wait, but not sit in front of the phone or monitor, hypnotizing them, but simply go about her business, hobbies, meetings, what she likes to do. And of course, don’t be “catch-up”. Just step aside and let the man make a decision. Yes, this is difficult for many to do, but you need to learn this for yourself, your loved one and your future. In life, and especially in relationships, this is a very valuable quality. I’m not talking about waiting for months or years (life will pass you by while you wait), but about some limited period of time that you, for example, set for yourself. So I give you a 3 month head start and goodbye! A person can leave because of anything (no matter yours or not), especially if you hurt his male pride, if he is emotionally immature or manipulative. And yes... there is no need to explain or justify anything. If you are truly at fault, then you can simply send an SMS or letter once with a brief apology. That's all. No more body movements. Men are slow-witted. They always need more time than women. Let go.