Get rid of any addiction. How to get rid of psychological dependence on a person

Let's start with the fact that man by nature is a dependent being. The very need to depend on someone is inherent in us from birth, and accompanies us throughout our lives. And the question is not how to change this nature, how to stop being dependent. The question is this: since we are still dependent, and cannot become completely independent, then maybe we have a chance to at least choose the “object” on which we depend - to choose so as to live happily?

Let's see what happens if we fall into dependence on people, things, circumstances and so on. Such psychological dependence is similar to drug addiction. Until a person starts using drugs, he lives, relatively speaking, more or less “well.” Using the drug for the first or second time, he gets pleasure from it, a “high”, and falls into euphoria. Soon enough, a person begins to get used to the drug, and to achieve the same state of high, he needs a larger and larger dose... After some fairly short time, the body adapts to the drug so much that it ceases to experience euphoria even with a significant dose. Now a person needs a drug not to get high, but simply to feel normal; the body can no longer function at an adequate level without the next dose - without it it simply feels bad, withdrawal begins.

The same thing happens in the case of psychological addiction. Before meeting a partner, a person lives a completely varied life, has a wide circle of contacts, a number of interests, and is generally happy with everything. And so a new relationship begins: at first the person is in an almost permanent ecstasy, soaring in the clouds with happiness. At this stage, he blindly surrenders to his feelings - he does not see either the shortcomings of his partner, or his real attitude towards himself. But gradually a person begins to see the light: the one who seemed ideal to him ceases to be so. All the negative qualities that have not been noticed before come to the surface, and everything positive becomes familiar and even boring... Quarrels and conflicts begin. There is no trace of euphoria anymore; often people cannot even talk without mutual reproaches and accusations. These relationships no longer bring joy to anyone, and the person does not dare to break them: he has become dependent on his partner, on his feelings for him. If a breakup does occur for any reason, then a real “withdrawal” begins: the person becomes depressed, loses all previous interests, loses the desire to work, communicate with friends, and even the desire to live. If the partner suddenly returns, then in this case there is no need to expect happiness: for a short period of time, a certain ghost of the former joy may return, the illusion of mutual love, which quickly passes. And then everything starts all over again - old claims, grievances surface, conflictual relationships are renewed, and the further it goes, the more the person gets bogged down in dependence. And this addiction, like a drug addiction, does not go away on its own. To get rid of it, you need to make a lot of effort.

Psychological dependence, unfortunately, is very often mistaken for love. It is important to understand that love and dependence are not just different, but practically opposite in essence phenomena.

Firstly, love brings joy, and addiction is either suffering or painful, poisonous short-term pleasure, similar to the pleasure of a drug addict. Secondly, love is sacrificial, and addiction is always implicated in selfishness. This selfishness manifests itself in many ways, although often in a veiled way. For example: a woman does EVERYTHING for her husband, gives all her strength, dissolves in him, lives by him alone. Then a break occurs; the abandoned wife, of course, is completely heartbroken, it seems to her that her life is over, that everything has lost its meaning... A typical situation, isn’t it? What is the selfishness of this woman? The fact is that she actually made certain sacrifices for a reason; giving away her strength, her youth, dissolving in her partner, she sought to get something in return - perhaps even unconsciously. To receive in return complete understanding, unconditional acceptance, the same dissolution of the spouse in her, in her life; probably also gratitude and a feeling of guilt on the part of the spouse (for the sacrifices made for him), which should have tied him to her forever. That is, she gave all of herself, but not disinterestedly, not for the sake of her husband’s happiness. She did not do what her husband really needed, what HE would like, but what was better in HER opinion, because she always believed that she knew better (this, by the way, shows pride). In other words, she lived his life, instead of leaving his life to him and living her own life; she “infiltrated” his soul because she was uncomfortable in her soul. This can be likened to how if we, having cluttered our apartment, came to our neighbors - to live with them and also litter their house, and at the same time we were sincerely surprised that they kicked us out. Moreover, living such a life, dissolving in a partner, a person actually understands deep down in his soul that he does not make his partner happy, that he himself, if he were in his partner’s place, would be burdened by such “care.”

If we truly love someone, then we will not get into his soul, where no one invited us; we will not stuff him with what seems good to us, but we will learn from him himself what exactly he needs; in case of refusal of our help, from our “good” we will not be offended or upset, but will accept it calmly, without a shadow of resentment - after all, we did not want the best for ourselves, but for our loved one, and if for some reason he does not accept our gift, then we recognize that it is his right. And if we sacrifice our lives FOR LOVE, then we never expect anything in return, not even gratitude, we do it for the happiness of our partner - like a mother, in case of danger, is ready, without thinking about herself, to rush to death for the sake of her child.

A break up With someone we truly love, the experience is calmer and more painless than breaking up a dependent relationship: after all, we wish our partner happiness, even if not with us. Since it so happens that he feels bad with me, but is better with someone else, then I let him go, even though it’s hard for me without him; I may even be happy to let him go, as long as he is happy. And there is no place for any unhealthy dependence here anymore.

In addition, dependence often manifests itself in pacification- this is another difference from love. A person wants to experience certain pleasant emotions, and he creates an idol for himself - an object onto which he transfers all his feelings, he can fantasize almost any feelings in response. He wants to imagine that he is loved - and he chooses a person from whom he makes an idol, builds a whole web of illusions about the idol’s special attitude towards himself, about his exceptional love... and he himself begins to sincerely believe in it, to be deceived by his own fantasies. He is ready to do a lot for this idol, but in exchange he needs to dissolve in the idol, merge with it in some kind of spiritual ecstasy. If there is a break in the relationship, then the person is deprived of all this, and it is quite natural that it is extremely difficult to survive such a break.

Thus, if you look at the content of the relationship, and not at its form, it becomes clear that addiction has almost nothing to do with true love.

To understand the nature of psychological dependence, it is worth thinking about: a What do we really depend on? From a partner - or from our feelings towards him, from that unreal, distorted world in which we live, which is built by our feelings, and first of all - by our feelings towards this partner, what we usually call love? (and which is unlikely to be). And isn’t it because we depend on this unreal world that we cling so much to our “love”, despite the fact that it no longer brings us anything but suffering? We are afraid, having lost our old feelings, to destroy this world. But it is dear to us, we are used to living in it without thinking at all.

So, we live in a distorted world, we depend on it. When a love relationship breaks down, our world collapses. What do we do? It would be worth making every effort to adequately assess the situation and yourself in it, analyze the facts, think logically, without giving free rein to emotions, and ultimately form a new, more sober view of your partner, the world and yourself - and live on, based on from this sober vision (without falling into the other extreme - hatred). But in order to honestly accept reality, you need to have a certain strength, power over yourself. This requires work, and a lot of it. We don’t want to work on ourselves, we don’t know how to do it, we don’t have any experience in it. Therefore, we act simpler: we close our eyes to the facts, we don’t even try to analyze events, we deceive ourselves. We build our attitude towards the situation and towards the partner who left us on the basis of our previous feelings towards him - in this way, consciously or unconsciously, we try to prevent the destruction of our unreal world. We cling to these old feelings, even if they bring us suffering, just as alcohol and drug addicts cling to drugs, realizing that they are ruining themselves.

We cannot get out of the crisis into which we have thus found ourselves, because, firstly, as a rule, we do not understand its causes. We see the reason for the crisis as being abandoned. But in fact, the reason is different: we are afraid, and we simply do not know how to form a sober view of our partner and the whole situation, and therefore we do not understand that we simply do not need the previous relationship in the form in which it existed.

And secondly, even if at the logical level We realized that we shouldn’t try to get our partner back, that this relationship doesn’t bring happiness, it’s not enough. Because at the emotional level we still want to return to our previous relationship, despite the fact that our partner’s behavior clearly does not indicate respect and love for us. Thus, a person splits: “I understand everything with my mind, but I can’t do anything with myself.”

Why “can’t”? Because I don’t know how to control my feelings, I don’t know how to control myself. More than once we have heard: “Trust your heart, it will not deceive.” But in fact, feelings are deceptive (read about this in the article The Drunken Commander, or Where Feelings Take Us). By the way, psychological dependence is more severe in women, in particular because women are more susceptible to the influence of feelings than men and are more inclined to surrender to them completely.

In addition, previous feelings for the partner who left us are significantly reinforced by various kinds fears. It would be more accurate to say that the fears and feelings overwhelming us mutually reinforce each other, it’s a vicious circle. Fear of the future, fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown and uncertainty... and all these fears are based on one main thing - fear of reality.

How is this vicious circle formed? We are afraid of reality - as it really is. We don’t want to accept it - because we don’t know how to behave in it, we don’t navigate it. We feel uncomfortable, insecure in the real world, and therefore we try in every possible way to escape from reality, instead of accepting it, studying the laws of its functioning and following them. We cling to our illusions, to our sensory perception of life, and, first of all, to our previous feelings for our departed partner. This is how fears reinforce our feelings.

But feelings, in turn, also reinforce fears in the following way. Uncontrollable feelings, primarily pride, rule us. Under their influence, we live in a distorted world; they prevent us from forming a sober view of the world and ourselves. This unreal world is extremely dear to us, we feel in it like a fish in water, because in order to live in it, we do not need to work on ourselves, we just need to surrender to our emotions and go with the flow. As a result, we become dependent on this unreal world, so we are afraid of losing it, we are afraid of reality. The circle is closed.

This is similar to how an alcoholic is afraid of sobering up, afraid of returning to reality. Moreover, he is not dependent on any particular alcoholic drink, but on his state of intoxication - he doesn’t care what to drink, just to get drunk and not have to face reality. Therefore, often a person, having recovered from alcohol addiction, falls into some other addiction, for example, gambling addiction.

Fears, including fear of reality, are a type of obsessive thoughts. They prevent us from living and being happy. Therefore, it is important for us to separate ourselves from these thoughts, to realize that these fears, these reasonings are not mine. They came from outside, and we do not need to accept them at all. On the contrary, we need to fight them. Read about this in the article Psychological and spiritual methods of overcoming obsessive thoughts.

So, fears and out-of-control inadequate emotions, existing in symbiosis, take deep roots in our soul. Together they successfully feed various kinds of unhealthy addictions, such as sexual addiction, dependence on incorrect behavioral stereotypes formed during our lives, dependence on public opinion, on one’s own pride, on money, on the prestige of one’s “status,” on various kinds of pleasures and etc. I think it will not be a mistake to say that it is precisely dependence on everything earthly, temporary that Orthodoxy calls passions. They control us, about them we often say: “They are stronger than me.” The Apostle Paul wrote about our slavery to passions: “The desire for good is in me, but I do not find it to do it. I do not do the good that I want, but I do the evil that I do not want” (Rom. 7:18-19).

According to the great expert on the human soul, St. Theophan the Recluse, “passions tyrannize the heart most of all. If there were no passions, there would, of course, be troubles, but they would never torment the hearts as much as passions do... These evil passions, when satisfied, give joy, but short-lived, and when they are not satisfied, but, on the contrary, meet the opposite , then they cause long-lasting and unbearable grief.”

To get rid of psychological addiction, it is necessary to fight passions. Only in this way can one come to true freedom, become a full-fledged, strong person who manages his own life, and does not complain that his own feelings hold him captive and do not allow him to be happy. This is the path of spiritual growth, education and improvement of one’s soul, the beginning and basis of which is sobriety, that is, the formation and maintenance of a sober, adequate view of the world and oneself. The more soberly we look at ourselves and the situation, the less dependent we are on this situation, on our feelings, on our partner... and the fewer things can throw us out of our state of mental balance. And the more we depend on God.

If we return to the question of choice - on whom to depend?- raised by us at the beginning of the article, then the answer to it seems to be this: we can prefer either dependence on people, things, circumstances... or dependence on God. There is no third option: either dependence on the temporary, transitory, or dependence on the eternal. Moreover, the more we depend on people, the less we depend on God, the less we are interested in God and His opinion about us. And vice versa: the more we depend on God, the more we live for His sake, we strive to please Him - the less we depend on everything else, the less our happiness is threatened by the vicissitudes of fate.

Dependence on God can be compared to baby's dependence on mother. And if we turn to this example, we will understand exactly how dependence on someone who truly loves you can be a source of joy, peace, confidence, we will understand that such dependence is not burdensome, does not torment, but on the contrary - makes us happy. Why? Because it is based on true, truly sacrificial love. A small child feels this love, and he completely trusts his mother, relies on her in everything. He entrusts his life, his future to her. And don’t be burdened by it! On the contrary, he wants to be close to his mother more often, he runs to her for consolation in case of any disorder, turns to her for help in any trouble. He knows that mom will protect, mom will understand, mom is everything for him. Because mom loves. And this little person’s trust in his mother knows no bounds. He does not check how competent the mother is in matters of baby nutrition, in matters of treatment, in matters of development, and even in matters of his personal safety. He doesn't check - he trusts. In everything. And always. He is completely dependent on his mother - and he is absolutely happy about it.

And vice versa. Everyone knows how unhappy a baby is, deprived of a mother, deprived of that very dependence that we were just talking about. Raised by strangers who are indifferent to him, he quickly ceases to trust anyone, he grows up early, and he often himself does not know how to love. Because no one really loved him... Yes, such a child or teenager is often “free” and to a large extent independent - no one tells him what time he should come home from the street, no one forbids him to smoke and drink beer, no one forces him to go to school. University... But is he happy, being so “independent”? the answer is obvious...

Man's dependence on God is similar to the baby's dependence on his mother. The difference is that God loves us more than the most caring mother loves her child. Because God is perfect and His love is perfect. She is supremely sacrificial - to the point of death, death on the cross.

It is no coincidence that the image of man as a sheep and Christ as a shepherd (shepherd) who “lays down his life for the sheep” runs like a red thread through all Christian philosophy. A sheep can graze in its owner's pasture, obediently follow the shepherd where he leads it, trust him and, of course, be completely dependent on him. However, taking advantage of its freedom, the sheep can choose a different path and escape from the herd. Then, of course, she will no longer depend on the shepherd, but will depend on everything else that she did not depend on before: on the weather, on wild animals, on the availability of food... Like this sheep, each of us makes our own choice.

It is interesting that in Orthodoxy a person is called a “Servant of GOD”, and this is not abusive, but natural. And at the same time, the Gospel says, “Do not become slaves of men” (1 Cor. 7:23). That is, the Gospel directly points to the right choice. Unfortunately, we make it in favor of being a slave to man. Maybe we should change our choice in favor of God?

Dependence on God- this is the only type of addiction that does not make us suffer, but, on the contrary, leads us to real joy. And this is the only way we can displace all kinds of pathological dependencies from our souls, because, as we said at the beginning, a person cannot not depend on anyone. At first glance it is paradoxical, but it is precisely in dependence on God that a person gains true freedom.

While a person is in a circle of vicious dependencies, he only considers himself free, sometimes not noticing how bound he is. According to Saint Theophan, “passions... having been expelled, leave a person as a real person, while with their presence they spoil him and make him into a person, in many cases worse than animals. When they possess a person and a person loves them, they become so close to human nature that when a person acts on them, it seems as if he is acting from his nature. It seems so because a person, having submitted to them, acts on them self-willingly and is even convinced that it is impossible otherwise: nature.”

Don't we recognize ourselves in these words? This is how we, chasing the illusory freedom of “wanting and having”, obeying, sometimes blindly, a hedonistic approach to life, actually fall into dependence, that is, we achieve the opposite result: thinking that we have found freedom, we bind ourselves to severe dependence. At the same time, most often we are not aware of our slave position, subordination to our own needs and whims. So, voluntarily we are deprived of the most valuable thing - freedom. Perhaps a serious mental and spiritual crisis is the right time to think: if I have freedom, that is, what I always wanted, then why do I feel so BAD?

Is it because true freedom does not lie in the ability to satisfy the overwhelming majority of one’s needs, but in freedom from the dictatorship of unbridled feelings, in the ability to control one’s actions wisely, and not at the behest of a whim, which is one today, another tomorrow? Dependence on God gives us just such freedom, an enduring freedom that does not depend on circumstances. If we are truly free, then we are no longer tormented by the fears that we talked about above. Having taken the path of sobriety, the education of our soul, we gradually eradicate the passions that torment us, and instead cultivate positive qualities that are so necessary - not for anyone, but first of all for ourselves. It is not God, but we who need our virtues, because they decorate and heal our own soul, thus making us happier, calmer and more joyful. To put it simply, the “mechanism” is:

· we learn sobriety and fight our passions - further-

· we see the world adequately, without distortion and without illusions - further-

· we accept the circumstances of our life (which we cannot influence) as they are, without falling into depression - further-

· we get rid of fears, because... we do not have the main fear that gives rise to others - the fear of reality - further -

· by taming passions and getting rid of fears, we cut off the roots of our unhealthy addictions - further-

· instead of unhealthy addictions, we find ourselves dependent on God - further-

We gain true freedom and thus we become much happier.

I think this is what each of us wants.

An example of people who were truly independent of everything transitory, accepted reality as it is, without losing peace of mind, whom nothing could upset or take out of the state of true harmony and peace of mind - can be the Orthodox saints, in particular, the Rev. Sergius of Radonezh, the blessed Prince Dimitri Donskoy, the new martyrs and confessors of Russia... We should learn from them: voluntarily surrendering themselves to the will of God, being completely dependent on Him, they were completely free from unhealthy addictions, in the swamp of which we get bogged down.

And if we talk about our relationships with our loved ones, then they too can - and should - be built on a different basis than we are used to. We are used to building them on the desire to satisfy our need to be loved, that is, in fact, on selfishness. But by developing relationships in this way, we end up not with true love, but with an unhealthy dependence on a partner, stronger or less strong. (We are dependent on a partner because he satisfies our need to be loved. If he stops satisfying this need, then we find ourselves in a serious crisis - after all, we chose this very need as the basis).

And true love is achievable if we build relationships on the same basis of true freedom. If we can truly, with all our souls, become attached to God, then our attachment to our beloved will be different: we will look at him through the prism of eternity, we will love in him what is eternal: his soul. We will see in it the true beauty that lives in each of us as in the creation of God, we will see and fall in love with what Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh called “the radiance of eternal life.” And when our love grows its roots into eternity, then separation from our loved one, if it happens, will not be a disaster for us - even without seeing the person, we will be able to more or less rejoice in the spiritual and spiritual beauty that we saw and loved in him, and which is immortal. In confirmation of these words, we cite the words of Blessed Augustine, spoken by him in grief over the death of his wife: “Didn’t this sadness enter my soul so easily and deeply because I poured my soul into the sand, loving a mortal being as if it were not subject to death? ?.. Only he does not lose anything dear to whom everything is dear to the One Who cannot be lost.”

So, we need to recover from addiction and strive for true freedom, for life with God.

Let's think: do we need to reinvent the wheel - try to develop some new way of getting rid of addictions - if everything has already been invented and tested, verified by the experience of centuries? Isn’t it easier to turn to this experience, because even if we don’t like it, we won’t lose anything. Although, if we accept this invaluable experience with all our hearts and work conscientiously on ourselves, we will not need anything else.

So, what steps do you need to take to recover from psychological addiction?

1. Focus on reality: shift the emphasis from your own feelings to reality, to the actual state of affairs. Reasoning logically, take a sober view of the situation and yourself in it. You can read about this in more detail in the above-mentioned article, The Drunken Commander, or Where Our Feelings Take Us.

2. Let us separately highlight the need forming a reasonable, sober view of your ex-partner and relationship with him. This is quite significant. You need to analyze your partner’s actions, pay attention not to his words, but to his deeds, and on this basis form an opinion about him. It is worth reflecting on the words of the Gospel: “There is no good tree that bears bad fruit; and there is no bad tree that bears good fruit. For every tree is known by its fruit.” (Luke 6:43-44).

It is important to understand that the Gospel with these words does not call us to condemn a person, to label him “BAD!”, but speaks of something else - about a sober look at a person, about a clear recognition of his shortcomings and merits. Seeing the negative sides of a person does not at all free us from the commandment to love him; on the contrary, it leads us to ensure that our love becomes true, real, and not blind worship of an idol whom we ourselves have elevated to the throne.

So, it is extremely important, taking a sober look at your ex-partner, not to judge him or fall into hatred - and this is precisely the temptation that awaits us in a situation of addiction. Surrendering to hatred with the same recklessness as before “love” (passion) is the easiest thing to do, but you shouldn’t do it. It is these passionate and unhealthy feelings that they say that from one to the other is just a step. This is really so - we do not know how to control emotions with our reason, so the easiest way for us is to exchange one guiding passion for another, to hate as much as we “loved” before (that is, we thought that we loved. If we really loved, then of course would not hate, because “Love never fails”). Surrendering to a new passion - hatred - is convenient, familiar, there is no need to think... But still, we must avoid it with all our might, it destroys our soul.

3. Learn to constantly control feelings with your mind. Do not allow emotions to return you to your previous unhealthy and extremely biased attitude towards the situation, and when “attacked” by emotions by reason, return yourself to an already formed (see points 1 and 2) sober view of the state of affairs. To do this, you need to fight obsessive thoughts, and often you will have to literally forcibly switch your attention to something more pleasant and “correct” (this is individual).

A very good means of controlling emotions with the mind is a “conversation” between a rational person and a sensual person (meaning two people living in each of us). The intelligent person asks questions to the sensual, who tries to answer. What may come as a surprise to us is that most likely there will be nothing to answer - thus, the emotional person himself will be forced to admit defeat, that is, reason will prevail over emotions, and this is what we want.

Example: Why do I think that my departed spouse will return to me? Is there any logical reason for this? Answer: NO. Then why do I count on it and think about it 90% of the time? You can also keep a similar diary, write down your thoughts inspired by emotions in it, and consider them with a logical view.

4. Necessary forgive your ex-partner. As we said above, you should never fall into hatred. If we hate a person, we will not be able to get rid of dependence in relation to this person, this dependence will simply take on new forms. Until we forgive our partner, we continue to be connected to him - by our grievances. And any more or less serious connection is again an addiction.

We must strive for a Christian attitude towards the person who left us, despite the suffering that he caused us. It would be good to pray for him to the best of his ability.

It is important to analyze everything that happened, and find YOUR own mistakes, and ask your partner for forgiveness for them, and also “work on mistakes” - so as not to repeat them again.

In addition, we will try to understand the one who abandoned us. Yes, he is wrong in some ways (maybe very many ways), but let us treat him not with hostility and malice, but as someone possessed by passions and sick at heart.

In this article you will learn everything about how to get rid of addiction to a person. Dependence is the lack of one’s own usefulness, completeness, and the desire to fill this missing part with another person. Read about what type of addiction you have, how addiction differs from love, and how to get rid of addiction to a person and start building only healthy relationships.

Find out your addiction type

Here are the two most common types of addiction:

Dependence as a desire to dissolve in a partner, refusal of one’s own responsibility and determination. The main idea: “I don’t exist without you.” The feeling of being part of another, the feeling that your partner is much better, stronger, more interesting than you. People of this type are prone to masochism.
Dependence as a desire to devour a partner, dominate him, control him. Main idea: “You are just a part of me.” The desire to dominate a partner, to absorb his individuality. People of this type are prone to sadism.

All types of addiction have approximately the same causes. And the ways to get out of this state into a healthy relationship are also approximately the same for all types of addiction.

Causes of addiction

One of the most common reasons for dependence in relationships is childhood dislike. It is generally accepted that a child should love his parents. But at the same time, it often happens that mom or dad punish, insult the child, or notice him only when, in their opinion, he deserves attention. A mother may, for example, send conflicting signals to her child: “I punish you because I love you” or “I criticize and humiliate you, but only so that you become better, because I love you.”

A child's instinct is to run to his mother in any situation. She is the most precious and most valuable thing he has. She alone will always protect and help. But if at the same time she insults, humiliates or even beats the child, then he develops a distorted idea of love. Love in his mind will be associated with danger, fear, anxiety, negative emotions and feelings.

Such a child learns to beg for crumbs of love from his mother (or father), and in his head, love looks exactly like this - it is always not enough, and it goes side by side with suffering. The child becomes accustomed to the scenario: “I will suffer a little, suffer, and then my mother will show her love for me. Mom will punish me, insult me, spank me, reject me, but then I will receive the long-awaited hugs.”

And the child, not seeing before his eyes another model of love other than this, begins to think that this is love. This is how addiction is born. A child with such a mother will transfer the love given to him in childhood to love relationships in adulthood. Perhaps he will take on the role of the mother (which is described here), or perhaps he will remain in the role of the child, begging for pitiful grains of love from his partner.

Differences between addiction and love

Love is a huge resource, thanks to which we grow and develop, experience joy and happiness, and achieve great heights.

Dependency is a union in which you are boiled, like a frog in a saucepan, the water in which is slowly heating up. At first you will feel warm and pleasant, but over time you will feel unwell. After some more time, you will be cooked without even thinking about jumping out. And all because you were cooked slowly, unobtrusively and unnoticed.

Dependent relationships differ from love in that in them you suffer and suffer, like that frog in a hot pot. Your level of happiness in a relationship is the main indicator of whether you are in a loving or dependent relationship. If you feel like a happy person in a relationship, then most likely it is love. And if you suffer most of the time in a relationship, then most likely you have a love addiction.

How to get rid of addiction to a person - 6 steps:

Now let's discuss how to get rid of addiction to a person. I present to you six effective steps to getting rid of addiction. After going through them, you will learn to live a full life and will henceforth build only harmonious and healthy relationships:

Step #1: Become Aware

The first thing you need to do to get out of addiction is to realize and accept that you have it. You must tell your brain firmly and confidently that you have an addiction and today you have decided to start getting rid of it. This step is no less important than the others because your brain has been conditioned from early childhood to think that this is love, not addiction. Tell your subconscious that it has been wrong for a long time. But now you know the whole truth and are ready for changes.

Step #2: Make a decision

The next step is the decision to leave the toxic relationship you are currently in, or the decision to change yourself while continuing to remain in this union. If you decide to change without leaving the relationship, your partner will either come to you and change too (if you are truly dear to him), or fall off like the bark from an old tree.

Dependent relationships in a couple are always supported by both partners. This could be a union, for example, “tyrant-victim” or “narcissist-victim”. In such a couple, both people perform a role that helps maintain dependency in the relationship. And if one of the partners suddenly begins to leave the role of a dependent, then the second will be out of work. He will either have to change too for the sake of a healthy relationship, or leave this union.

Therefore, the second step that you need to take to get out of an addictive relationship is to leave your partner, or accept that, if left out of work, he will most likely leave on his own.

Step #3: Stop tolerating

Dependent people who strive to dissolve in their partner, to become a part of him, tend to be “tolerant.” When they don’t like something, they prefer not to express their dissatisfaction out loud and remain silent. In order to unlearn this habit, practice and constant training are important. You need to practice saying “no,” asserting your boundaries, not tolerating what you don’t like, and, if possible, not doing what you don’t want to do.

If you want to learn this as soon as possible, start running into situations yourself in which you will need to defend your point of view and say “no.” For example, when you're grocery shopping at the supermarket, you put something in your cart that you don't need. And when the cashier returns the goods, say that you have changed your mind. You don't want to buy it.

The first few times will not be easy at all, but confidence will come with a certain number of repetitions. The first time you may not decide to do this at all, and you will have to buy an unnecessary product. But by the fifth or sixth time, you will feel like you are finally finding your own boundaries. It becomes easier and easier for you to defend your point of view.

Practice on random passers-by, sales consultants, promoters with leaflets, friends, acquaintances, relatives, colleagues and, of course, your partner. Don't be afraid to offend anyone. Confident people do this all the time, so why are you worse?

I have another article on this topic -. If you don’t know how to assert your boundaries and say “no,” then be sure to read it.

Step #4: Fill the Void

When you are in a dependent relationship, you are facing your partner and your back is to yourself. Your personal life is now far from being in the first place for you; the life of your chosen one is much more important. So turn 180 degrees and look at your own life.

Dependency is when a partner gives you something that you do not give to yourself. It’s as if there’s an emptiness in your soul, and your partner fills this emptiness with his presence. This emptiness is self-dislike. Start today to fill that hole with love.

Take a piece of paper and a pen and write a list of what your chosen one gives you. Maybe joy? Feeling needed? Or, for example, care? Gives you a feeling of trepidation in your soul?

Try to write a long list and then look at each item and think about the last time you gave it to yourself. Yesterday? Or maybe never? Starting today, start giving yourself everything you didn’t give before.

Remember: respect, love, interest, care are mutual feelings. Only those who respect themselves are respected. They take care of those who take care of themselves. They show sincere interest in those who are interesting to themselves. They love only those who love themselves. Healthy relationships are built on those feelings that each partner already knows how to give to himself.

Start respecting, loving, caring for yourself, and taking an interest in yourself. From now on, do with yourself everything that you previously could only get from your partner.

"How to love yourself". In it, I collected the most effective and working techniques with the help of which I once learned to love myself, raised my self-esteem and increased my self-confidence. This book will help you get rid of addiction and become a free, whole and happy person.

Step #5: Know yourself

Start getting to know yourself again. To do this, write a list of one hundred things that bring you joy and a list of one hundred “wants.” What gives you joy and pleasure? What do you want?

Write these two lists (be sure to get up to one hundred items in each!). You may not be able to do this in one go. But don’t you dare abandon this matter! Once you have a few items from each list ready, start incorporating them into your daily plan. At least one of each. Learn to fulfill your desires yourself and bring yourself joy. This way you will soon free yourself from addiction and become a full-fledged person.

Step #6: Start building harmonious relationships

In order to get rid of a toxic relationship, you can get out of it and learn to love yourself and give yourself the love that you have always been missing. But how can you check that you have already gotten rid of the dependent position one hundred percent? If you did not leave your partner and made changes on yourself while remaining in the relationship, then your feelings should change to the opposite. There should be no more room for suffering in a relationship. When you are with your partner, you should feel at ease and free. Happy, joyful and calm.

If you have left a relationship in which you suffered and were dependent, then to check how much you have changed, start building new relationships. To do this, I suggest you read articles on dating “” and “”, as well as articles on how to build healthy and happy relationships: “”, “”, “” and many others from the article in the “” section.

People already have a lot of problems of their own. Conscious people, unlike addicts, enter into relationships to become happier. Therefore, after you go through all the suggested steps and enter into a new relationship, you will attract an equally mature person to you, because someone who likes to suffer has nothing to do with someone who knows how to generate happiness.

Conclusion

I am glad if you read this article completely, because now you know perfectly well how to get rid of addiction to a person. Start acting immediately, and then very soon you will forget about what it means to suffer in a relationship.

Let's summarize:

Realize and accept the fact that you depend on a person. Tell your brain that this is wrong and you want to get rid of it. After this, the brain will begin to look for opportunities to change the situation
Decide to leave the relationship or accept the fact that your partner will likely leave soon. He was in an addictive relationship with you, and when you free yourself from addiction, he will remain out of work
Learn to assert your boundaries and say “no”

Write a list of things your partner gives you that you don't give to yourself. Now you just have to start giving it to yourself
Make two lists of one hundred items each. In the first, write everything that brings you joy, and in the second, write your “wants”. And begin to gradually introduce all these points into your daily diet. Start giving yourself what you need and what’s useful.
Start building new relationships or start tracking how you feel in the relationships you are currently in. How happy are you on a scale from 1 to 100? Are you suffering in this relationship? In this relationship or in the next, you must track how much you have changed and whether the position of a dependent person is still characteristic of you

And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. It will be a great helper on your way to getting rid of addiction, and will also help make your life happier.

What's happened psychological dependence? This is a state when the weaker partner in a couple constantly looks back at the opinion of a significant person, puts his well-being depending on his assessment, position, and does not take into account his own interests.

Psychological dependence on a person varies. It can arise in a completely ordinary, at first glance, family. Usually, dependence is one-sided - the addict connects all his plans, goals and emotions with the one on whom he depends.

But as an ordinary person living an independent life, all of a sudden starts to depend on someone? Why does he become so absorbed in the life of his partner that he completely forgets about his own life?

And finally, where does this painful attachment come from, given the complete impossibility of long-term separation?

Who and why becomes dependent on another person?

People who are unsure of themselves or those who were initially, from early childhood, under excessively strict conditions can become psychologically dependent on another person. You can acquire this kind of addiction in the following ways.

There are people who mistakenly believe that lovers (especially lovers with a capital letter!) must Literally divide everything between two, even goals and desires. After some time, they no longer become able to separate their desires from the desires of their partner.

In another case, psychological dependence on a loved one, even a very close one, arises when an individual always strives with all his might in everything. meet expectations your partner. Become ideal for him, the very best! In order not to swear and spoil relationships with quarrels and, in general, he never defends his opinion, suppressing his protest and. Often, all this does not even reach the conscious level, and is solved by the body with the help of psychosomatics - the person gets sick, wastes away, and develops chronic diseases. But... he tries his best not to bring matters to conflict.

In the third case, a person transfers his emotions to his loved one, endows the object of passion with his own traits and enjoys their romantic inseparability.

Psychological dependence on a man

Surely we have all encountered in life this type of relationship in a couple, when one of the partners “cannot imagine his existence without the other.”

That is, a person has found in a partner a source of resources that he is not able to obtain from himself, for example: love, pleasure, the joy of being.

To psychological dependence on a man, a loved one women are more inclined. The reason for this is often strict upbringing and cultural values instilled by parents and teachers. Under the influence of cultural stereotypes, young girls can imagine their role in marriage differently, in some cases this can lead to psychological dependence.

Many women see their only purpose in save your family at any cost. They do not even allow the thought of severing existing relationships, much less creating one. This is where addiction begins.
There is a category that, under the influence of fairy tales about a handsome prince on a white horse, selflessly assure themselves that their chosen one is the handsome prince from a fairy tale. And despite the fact that the real hero of their life may not correspond much to the fairy-tale character, she is ready to devote her whole life to him. A kind of sacrifice is very characteristic of the female sex.
Marriages in which one of the partners is given a dominant role naturally implies the dependence of the one who is not the head on the one who is. , and psychological.
Addiction successfully develops among those who take the slogan “together forever” too literally. For them, being together means sharing all activities, be it football or sewing.
Some believe that the inability to live without your soul mate is true true love. However, this is not love, but an unhealthy addiction.

How to get rid of psychological dependence on a person

A person who has realized his addiction has realized that his condition is inherently unhealthy, that he suffers both when he and his partner are together, and even more so when they are apart, it is necessary to begin to fight the addiction.

First, no matter how trivial it may sound, you need to realize that being an independent, independent person is it's not scary. You have grown up, you can now decide everything for yourself and be responsible for your actions.

Then, what is also important, is to be able to outline your own, separate your own interests from the interests of your family, from the interests of your loved one, and realize your own importance. Don’t just be someone’s daughter or wife, but become your OWN independent personality.

It is also worth finding your interests, realizing your, even weak, creative inclinations.

Which is very unfortunate, but most women realize that they are caught in a vicious circle of psychological dependence on a loved one, a man, only when their adored partner decides to break up with them.

If a partner leaves the couple, then the codependent begins to experience real withdrawal. I want to experience feelings of love, pleasure, joy, but the source of receiving them is no longer there. What to do?

Unfortunately, rarely in such a situation do people understand the need for qualified help from a psychologist.

And here the addiction rears its head with all its might, sometimes it can even come to the point of attempting suicide, because the whole life of such a dependent woman was contained in her man, and if he is not around, then she has no reason to live anymore.

In this case, of course, everything is not simple; depression, emptiness, and unwillingness to live lie in wait along the way. To get out of the first moments of stress, you may need the help of others - loved ones, children, parents, friends, psychologists...

If this is not the case, then the person either finds a new source of these resources: enters into a new codependent relationship, or begins to abuse alcohol or other chemicals, or falls into, or becomes. That is, it creates a new codependency in order to again be able to experience pleasant feelings.

People turn to a psychologist with the problem of relationships that do not suit them. This could be a relationship with a partner, with children, with parents. It is obvious how strongly the client’s psychological state depends on the behavior and state of the second participant in the relationship.

Most codependent people cannot directly tell their partner what they want, think and feel. Instead, they use: grumble, blame, save, look helpless, insult, etc. And both participants in such relationships, as a rule, try to control each other. They make excuses, rationalize and mislead, they can harass their partner, threaten him or behave in an emphatically modest manner. And what they often mean is: “ If you really loved me, you would understand what I need and give it to me».

It is difficult, and sometimes impossible, for such people to be honest even with themselves. They hope that someone will read their thoughts, and they make efforts to read the thoughts of other people.

Working with a psychologist in such situations helps a person free himself from existing codependency and learn to build relationships without manipulation, openly discussing his desires and feelings with his partner.

Having become free from the shackles of codependency, a person builds good healthy relationships, and receives joy and energy from them, instead of previous suffering. Thus, by changing yourself, you can change the attitude of loved ones and others towards you.

But first, take the first step - admit that psychological dependence on a person, or as it is also called codependency is the case in your case. While there is no awareness of the problem, it seems that it is not clear what to fight, what to get rid of?

When you can identify the essence for yourself, then the real work of getting rid of addiction will begin.

20 ideas about “ Psychological dependence on a person - how to get rid of it”

Natalya Yarskaya
Yes, the fear of not being needed by someone is the cause of all troubles.
Stanislav
I broke up with my girlfriend after 7 years of relationship, I don’t want to live, I don’t eat anything, I don’t drink, there’s unbearable pain in my soul, I don’t know what to do (((.
Marika
Stanislav, I have a very similar situation to yours. Although we were together less, and the whole situation is incredibly confusing, I still don’t want to live. A month has already passed, and I didn’t even notice: there is fog in my head, but my heart is in pain, in my thoughts it is death or death. One wish: to pray for him to return...
July
I read the following phrase: loneliness is not when you are alone, but when no one is waiting for you. Based on this, you can move on with your life.
Anna
My story is very interesting, there is a young man who started living together, everything is fine, but at some point they simply replaced me, I began to get nervous, worry, and run after him. I already perceive any word spoken as meaning that he wants to hurt me or that he doesn’t need me. We have been together for 6 years, during which time there was a lot. But what’s most interesting is that when he’s not there, I’m sociable, cheerful, adequate. When he is nearby, something happens and I move away from all my friends, I become very nervous, dependent on him.
Kira
I’ve been living in a civil marriage for 5 years... I feel exhausted... I’m trapped... I can’t leave... when I see him, everything infuriates me, he’s a pilot for days, doesn’t let me sleep at night, slams doors, watches TV at full blast, it’s like I’ve been putting up with it, forbidding me change my car for my own money, I’m going crazy, I don’t love him anymore, I’m confused, I’m afraid of fits of anger, I grab knives, and he brings it out, finds out something, and if I answer wrong, immediately for it clings and dismantles point by point, I feel like I’m in court... but I can’t leave... what is this??????? I can’t live like this anymore... an invisible lasso tightens the veins in my neck as soon as I decide to leave …..someone help
1. Yana
  I lived in a similar situation for four years. At first it seemed to me that I loved very much. Then I realized that it was an addiction, I couldn’t do anything. I had already accepted that I would live like this all my life, it seems like this is fate... He beat me, tested me, humiliated me. But I loved him very much. I couldn't imagine life without him. It turned out that he went on a business trip, and I went to go to university. We ended up not seeing each other for two months. I arrived before him and realized that I was free. She packed her things and disappeared for a year. A year later I found real freedom. But the main thing is not to see him; there were frequent temptations to return. We need to do something to separate for a while.
2. galana
  Girl, run away from him, run headlong. While you have time. I don’t have it anymore: I’m 57(.30 years old, I feel like a chestnut: he’ll give me a tiny piece of care and attention, I’ll swallow it - I’ll be happy to the point of a puppy squeal, and the next day, or even the same day, he’ll pull out everything I gave by the string. And I’m gasping for air and can’t breathe. The resentment is choking. And then there’s anger, and there’s a desire to take revenge. And to whom to take revenge? In childhood, we didn’t learn our lesson, neither friends nor relatives. And I understand that I allowed myself to get out of it, but I didn’t have the strength to “fight.” I wanted to change it, Kira, girl, you know your worth. I was born a woman, and this already earns respect for you. Don’t allow anything that offends and humiliates you. Maybe my comment is late, God willing, everything is fine with you now.
3. Julia
4. Stella
  It is addiction. You need to understand yourself, determine WHY you are behaving this way, seemingly illogically.
Andrey
Oh, girls, how don’t you love yourself! I read your comments to the article, almost everyone is suffering, they are ready for a piece of love. normal human relationship, if only they would give...
You don’t respect yourself, do you think your partner will immediately rush to respect you?
Julia
And I'm really bad. I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful daughters. Two months ago I met a man. I haven’t slept or eaten for more than a month. I lost 9kg. I'm always trying to break off this utopian relationship. The husband thinks that everything is over on the side. Jumps in front of me, looks into my mouth. Depression doesn't end. Made friends with alcohol. All the symptoms are terrible depression. I'm afraid to go to the doctor. Any advice? Plizzzz
Tanchik
And I seem to have become addicted. I feel that I am dependent on both my mother and my husband. There is no one nearby to talk to and cry with. I’m 33 years old, and I feel so insecure like I’m 10 years old.
Christina
I lived in marriage for 34 years. There was everything... and it was all on myself. I didn’t get divorced, I was sorry, and I loved him, and I think I was and still am psychologically dependent on him. He didn’t support me, he didn’t give me a penny to the family. Everything that I made money with my own work... And in the fall I persuaded him to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous group, that’s where he found his next love, she was about 20 years younger than him, he asked for a divorce, we were quickly divorced because... We both agreed, I could no longer see his loving eyes. On the third of March we were frolicked and he left, and I... died... I don’t want to live, everything has collapsed, I have no interest in anything... And only one thought... at least to see him with a glimpse, but he is blooming and enjoying his new life. Day and night, every second I think only about him.... I have a son, he also worries about me, I try to stay with him, but he can see what is happening to me. When leaving, my husband said that I I did nothing to stop him from drinking... How unbearably painful it is! I don’t know how to continue to live. It’s wonderful with him, but I don’t want to live, After all, I’m already 57.... Sorry for the mistakes, I’m not Russian...
Angela
I don't want to divorce my husband. That's all I don't want. But he just squeezes me like lemon. After his arrival after work, if I don’t hide in a book or on VK, I’m all like an aspen leaf. I'm shaking and nervous. No, I’m not afraid of him, I tried to understand what was wrong with me, because this had never happened before. We lay in bed for a long time, talked, walked in the parks... I started taking different tests, they asked different questions and in the end you could understand how strong this disease of addiction is. He helped me come to terms with my diagnosis. I don’t want to do anything, but I need to look for a way out...
Dmitriy
I don't even know where to start.
Part one. Divorced from his wife. There are two beautiful girls from the marriage. I endured it all very painfully. At first she kicked me out to my parents, and in fact, I had to understand that this was only a probationary period. But no, I suffered, I sought an explanation as to why we couldn’t be together, because she didn’t file for divorce. He began to insist on making things clear, and got a divorce.
Part two. By the time the court made me legally single, at my work (a small company, we were two men, one married woman, and the boss) everyone was already aware of my experiences, I could not hide it and suffered greatly. Sympathetic conversations began with that woman, which aroused mutual interest after some time.
We started dating secretly - at lunchtime, in the evening after (and then instead of) her classes at the dance studio. But we didn’t have anything serious, hugs and kisses with an eye on passers-by. And the result was always the same - bye, it’s time for me to go home.
Our secret relationship took on new shades, and very soon we confessed our tender feelings to each other. Frequent calls, correspondence and secret meetings became known to her husband. One night she woke him up and admitted that she had fallen in love with another man. He asked who, and after my name was heard, he said “..yeah, I knew it!”...
Then everything happened very dynamically. My ex-wife began to notice the sparkle in my eyes during meetings and unmistakably declared that I was in love, and, most likely, with my colleague. I didn't deny it. On the day when my beloved told me about confessing to her husband, we were having lunch in a cafe when my ex began to cut off my phone with demands to meet urgently, because she had a very bad dream about me. She came to my work, and as soon as we drove a few meters in the direction of the cafe, HER husband called and asked to meet.
The meeting (three-way) took place upon our return, and in response to his complaints, the ex took me by the arm and apologized for both of us. I was shocked by her behavior and did not have time to answer anything intelligible. He spat and left.
Despite the fact that we ‘got burned’, HER and I continued to meet, regularly declaring our love. I said that I would ask her a very important question soon. As a result, 3 months after our first secret date, I proposed marriage to her in a very romantic way. There were tears of joy (both of them). There was that very moment when he gets down on his knee and, holding her hand, takes out a diamond ring. There was a violinist who played a gentle melody, there were passersby who filmed it all on their phones. She answered “Yes!”, and there was no happier person on Earth. It was before the New Year 16/17.
During the New Year holidays, everyone got sick, and we met again at work 2 weeks later. We're incredibly happy. She took my hand and solemnly declared that ‘I want and will be your wife’.
...meetings, correspondence, calls...
...declarations of love, promises of divorce...
…my husband’s visits to me
...she said that she would not be able to get a divorce in mid-February 17.
...then there was an emotional hole. Tears, antidepressants, sleeping pills. Several times I caught myself thinking that all that keeps me in this world is my girls, my little blood...
I started using the wedge by wedge method. Ignoring her at work caused a storm of emotions, rags and office supplies were flying in my direction.
The search for a replacement and some relationships with her (even with them) showed that in each I saw HER, the same one with whom I had been in love all this time.
Part three. At the beginning of the summer of 17, I again allowed him to hang around my neck, and a month later we found ourselves in the same bed for the first time. To say it was fantastic is an understatement.
This lasted 4 months. Then she decided not to sleep with her husband. I dissuaded her, because for myself I accepted the role of only a lover, although I loved her madly. She didn’t listen, started talking to him about divorce, and by the end of November she convinced me (but not him) again that she would get a divorce. She never filed the application. He, already pretty hungry, began to find out the reasons, and, pressing her against the wall, squeezed out a confession that we were lovers.
Hello again, horny husband. Again conversations about divorce and our bright future with her.
...it’s stupid, but we decided that a little man would solve the problems of three adults.
Today she is two months pregnant.
...Part 4, I hope, is the final one. Tears, I can’t do this... Conversations with my future mother-in-law, accusations. End. She works from home. He said he would raise the child. Abortion is out of the question.
Post scriptum. Perhaps we need to accept and move on? But how can we live knowing that a loved one has chosen the path of suffering for himself and for our child, who was conceived in such love?