Question to a psychologist
Hello! My name is Sveta, I'm 15 years old.
It so happened that my childhood, and in general at the moment, my life did not work out. I'm generally a loner.
I have an older brother, his name is Sasha (we are 1 year apart). He is the “favorite” of the family. Every time his parents forgive him for any mistake, rejoice at all his achievements, pay more attention to him, pamper him. With me everything is different. It happens more than once, my parents beat me for an absurd deuce, or for a remark on about behavior. When something worked out for me (really, it really worked out) - my mother and stepfather would close their eyes, mumble, “uh-huh” and supposedly everything was fine. My mother basically hates me, my stepfather is completely indifferent, he will sit in front of the TV and ask. How is my brother doing, zero for me. When I feel bad, my parents don’t care either.
At school there are, and have not been often, terrible insults directed at me. Sometimes they even hit me. I never had a best friend or any friends at all. Recently a seemingly sweet girl came to our school. On the first day we had a nice conversation, she even gave me a treat. But the next morning, when this sweet girl and my classmates came to school, they mocked me. They tripped me up, insulted me, and teased me.
Everyone around me hates me. This leads to various depressions and crying at night. Although you can’t even cry normally, as soon as your mother knocks on the radiator, don’t disturb your sleep." Of course, I’m in a terrible situation, however, I’m not so stupid as to despair of suicide. Although I recently ran away from home, for about 5 days. I left for just so that my beloved parents would show at least maternal and paternal instincts and would simply try to contact me. There were no calls (everything is fine with the connection). After I arrived everything was as usual. They thought I was with a boy. And they began to hate me even more, saying that I ran away to someone without collecting my things. There was hysteria.
All this was reflected in my studies. I only got A's in visual arts - fine arts.
I didn’t really want to contact anyone. And I don’t believe at all that you can help me and get me out of this state. However, I have no one to cry to. Help as much as you can.
Hello, Sveta!
First of all, I want to support you and say that your parents are wrong to do this to you. I understand that this will not change them in any way, but you can very well blame them for your problems.
Even though you're only 15, it seems like it's time to grow up and treat yourself and the actions of others like adults. That is, do not blame other people for treating you badly, but ask yourself: “What am I doing to be treated this way?” I’ll try to explain using the example of your letter to us: the essence of your message is that you are turning to us for help, but you don’t believe that they can help here. And this turns people off; you are unlikely to receive many letters. It’s the same in life: you seem to want communication, but you don’t trust people, one way or another letting them understand this. After all, they react aggressively to you for a reason; it means that some of your behavior causes this aggression in them. It's about reasons. What to do about it?
Essentially, you are right. No one but you can help yourself. The only thing a psychologist can do is support you, give you confidence that changes are possible and that this is a lot of work on yourself. We need to change our attitude towards people, despite the fact that the family environment is not conducive to trust and openness. It is best to look for free psychological training for teenagers and learn to communicate with peers in a new way. People can be completely different: friendly, open and kind. Then when you believe in them and in turn become like that. I wish you success and all the best! Sincerely. Yulia Arkadyevna
Good answer 1 Bad answer 2Hatred is a strong feeling, it does not arise spontaneously, it is impossible not to notice it, and it is very difficult to get rid of it. Another thing is that people often experience completely different feelings, calling them hatred.
How to tell if someone hates you
In fact, most people are capable of subconsciously feeling the hatred experienced by another person. It is reflected in your attitude towards you, in every gesture and look. Therefore, it makes sense to turn to nonverbal communication. See if the person makes eye contact and how they talk to you. If your jaw is clenched during a conversation, and your smile (if there is one) looks strained, you can make a preliminary conclusion that they at least dislike you. At the same time, they say that the words of these people are literally saturated with poison, they speak harshly, rudely, even if they say completely neutral things.
Causes
A separate topic is manifestations of hostility on the part of a group of people. Here it must be said that collectively people do not like those who deviate from general ideas about how a representative of a certain society should look, behave and think. The underlying reasons may be envy, which arises if a person stands out in talent or appearance among others or, for example, dissatisfaction with behavior (admit to yourself whether you have ever offended people, ridiculed or set them up in some way).
What to do to correct the situation
When you have decided on the reasons for hatred, you need to determine a strategy for behavior in this situation. In fact, there are several ways to respond to hostility:
- Ignoring. You leave everything as it is and simply do not pay attention to the current situation. Such an attitude is possible if the hostility of this person (people) does not affect you and does not at all interfere with effective interaction.
- Confrontation. You also begin to hate and do everything to harm. Life according to the principle of “blood for blood.”
- Conformism. You try with all your might to please people who dislike you, curry favor with them.
- Cooperation. In this case, it will be expressed in the fact that you admit your wrongdoings if you are really guilty, and your “enemy” does the same, and in the future you are in the relationship in which you are comfortable (it is not necessary to start loving each other).
Of course, from the point of view of psychological health and constructive behavior, the latter method is considered the most suitable. However, no one obliges you to start a dialogue right now. To begin with, you can tune in positively towards the person, for this you can try to say a few affirmations, and stop feeling disgusted towards him. You will see that gradually his attitude towards you will change.
There will always be individuals who, without a twinge of conscience, will show aggression and obvious antipathy towards you. Mostly, ill-wishers and envious people surround you in the workplace, because there everyone is fighting for a place in the sun and for the favor of their superiors. However, open confrontation is less dangerous and fraught with consequences than a hidden threat. Surely you, too, may have colleagues who despise you, but remain with a diplomatic expression on their faces.
Why do you need to hide hatred?
Hiding true feelings in the workplace helps workers in behind-the-scenes intrigue. In a large group, people will never openly show hostility towards someone. They are simply afraid of getting into trouble or jeopardizing their own career. However, on the sly, such people have a way of bringing a lot of trouble to the object of their hostility. They love to commit mean things while remaining with an untarnished reputation, manipulate other people and talk behind your back. 
“Aware means armed”
If you don't want to become a part of corporate intrigue, you should know some signs that a person has hidden hatred towards you. Advice from psychologists: even if you identify an ill-wisher, remain loyal to him. Don't avoid this person and remember the presumption of innocence. If you are sure that there are no envious people in the office, try to be sensitive to the needs of all your colleagues, be optimistic, welcoming and friendly.
Reliable strong connections with colleagues will be useful in the future. And healthy and strong relationships in the workplace and a relaxed, friendly atmosphere help all team members to be more effective and productive. 
Healthy relationships in a team versus behind-the-scenes games
Business speaker Michael Kerr says this: When all colleagues treat each other equally well, everything becomes much easier. Each member of the team feels that there is a shoulder nearby that, if anything happens, they can lean on. In any case, in a team with healthy relationships, it is easier to ask for favors from colleagues or receive favors. Moreover, people themselves will offer you a helping hand. We have now described the ideal model of relationships in a team. What to do if your workplace is far from ideal, or you suspect something is wrong? Here are 19 clear signs that your coworker secretly hates you. 
1. Your intuition says it.
Perhaps it's just an obsession. However, most often our intuition does not let us down. If you think that someone dislikes you, it may well be true. In any case, a person may treat you completely differently from how he treats other members of the team. And it gives you a lot to think about.
2. He doesn't smile in your presence.
Now we are not talking about a bad day or a sudden change in mood. If your colleague systematically or consciously does not smile in your presence, then something is going wrong. 
3. He can't maintain eye contact with you.
Psychologists say: it is difficult to look someone in the eyes if you do not have warm feelings for the person or, at least, respect. Have you noticed that one of your colleagues avoids eye contact with you during a conversation? They are simply afraid to show hostility towards you in their gaze. Such people take the path of least resistance: they turn away or avoid you. 
4. Your colleague is avoiding you.
Sometimes strange situations happen. You enter the elevator and notice a co-worker walking behind you. You wait for him, but he prefers to go up the stairs. He's avoiding you.
5. He spreads rumors
This unprofessional behavior is unfortunately not uncommon in the workplace. A person only likes to spread rumors about people he really doesn't like. 
6. He doesn't notice your presence.
When you come to the office, this person will never say “Good morning” to you. He will not even stoop to routine, meaningless phrases. This ignoring may also be evidence of his dislike.
7. The person answers questions too dryly
Of course, he will not be able to ignore your questions. Corporate ethics does not allow this. Ask such a person “How are you doing,” and in response you will hear a short “Fine.” If you receive business correspondence from such a person, be sure that it does not begin with a greeting. 
8. He sends nonverbal negative signals.
When such a person sees you, he may involuntarily look away or grimace and roll his eyes. He is constantly closed to you: his arms are intertwined and his legs are crossed. Also, your colleague may deliberately not take his eyes off the monitor the moment you enter the office. 
9. He never invites you to social events.
You will never expect such a person to invite you to a business lunch or corporate meeting.
10. A colleague has a habit of communicating via email.
Even if you are in the same room, it would be an unaffordable luxury for him to approach you with a request. He will simply send you an email. Have you noticed a shift in communication towards the digital format? This is a sure sign. 
11. He constantly disagrees with you
All your ideas are perceived with hostility. Very often such a person may not allow you to finish your sentences. He interrupts you and has his own point of view on everything. Even if he understands that you have come up with a great idea, he will never deviate from his principles. His hatred is too strong. 
12. This person is not interested in your personal life.
Your colleague can chat casually during a break with other colleagues about his personal life, family and children. Only in conversations with you he never brings up these topics. He simply doesn't care about your personal life.
13. You are not one for casual conversation and jokes.
This person can spend hours amusing other colleagues with casual jokes and anecdotes. Only friendly laughter is always heard behind your back. You are not one of the elite. He just doesn't feel comfortable around you. 
14. He steals your ideas
Seeing you as a competitor, such a person will try to draw attention to himself. Therefore, at every opportunity, he will use your ideas and pass them off as his own.
15. He takes on unauthorized power.
Such an employee may give himself powers that do not exist. For some reason he decided that he could give you orders. 
16. He creates factions
You may feel like you're in one of the Mean Girls scenes. You will never be part of one of the office groups.
17. You can't trust him
You share information with your colleagues for review, but this person can always use the received data against you. 
18. His favorite method of interaction is defensiveness
You feel that a deep wall of mistrust is growing between you and this person. Or your colleague is doing nothing but building defensive redoubts around himself. No less than he prepared for the Cold War.
19. Your job is not a priority for him.
Another big sign that eloquently indicates that your colleague does not like you. Your worries and problems will never be at the top of his list of priorities. He will never treat your work with the same level of urgency as other colleagues.
And the most important thing is that you simply don’t understand why everything is happening this way, why out of most people they chose you, as it seems to you, as a scapegoat. Before you understand what to do when you are hated at work, understand yourself, find the reasons why you are treated so negatively. There may be a large number of them.
"There's a plug in every barrel".
This expression is usually used when a person cannot listen, listen and constantly strives to correct the words of the speaker, and such a person will always have something to answer to all the words of the speaker. Usually such a reason is very significant, especially if such a phenomenon occurs at work. If you are one of them, then it should become clear to you why they hate you so much at work. You will always have your own opinion, because none of your many colleagues is more erudite than you. Only you are confident in what you say, and most importantly, that your words should always be or are correct and true. Everything you do is necessarily the most important and important, and that only you have the honor of doing the most responsible work at work. Therefore, no one has the right to contradict you, much less give you the floor, which leads to constant interruption on your part, even if it concerns such a trivial topic as a scarlet rose, it will still be a beautiful and red flower.
"Lonely and proud bird".
It’s easier for you to be alone in your free time, drink tea, have breakfast or lunch, you just like to spend your free time from work in peace and quiet. And in order to invite you to any event, in order to participate in it, and so that you have to do something unusual for you there, you need to put in a lot of effort, persuading you and giving examples of how it can be interesting there. What can I say, it’s even difficult for you to simply be the first to speak, to start a conversation on some interesting topic at work.
"Workaholism is not a good trait at all".
You're so busy with your work that you can't take an extra minute to just talk about anything with your colleagues. But you have so much of it that you don’t even know how to cope with it in order to start a new one, which may not be related to you. You meticulously and categorically honestly try to complete it one hundred percent, that sometimes you don’t leave yourself time just to go out for a minute to get some fresh air, even into the corridor, not to mention simply ventilating the room in which you sit strictly all day from the beginning to the end of the work schedule. It’s okay if it’s before the end of the working day, but often you just stay up until late in the evening. Of course, no one but you can do your work as efficiently as possible, which is absolutely not typical for your colleagues to do either; they are just waiting for the work to be completed as soon as possible. It doesn’t even occur to you to think about what to do if your colleagues hate you, because you simply have no time!
"Keeping secrets is not about you! ".
If it happened that one of your employees confided in you something that he did not want to divulge to other colleagues, and you, not considering it so important, simply “tattled” about it to almost all your colleagues. Typically, such a character trait as excessive talkativeness is generally not welcomed in everyday life; it is one of the main reasons why a person is hated. Learn to be the person to whom they want to trust secrets, without doubting for a minute that you will never, ever, blab out the secrets and mysteries entrusted only to you.
"You have your own opinion on everything".
You don’t value the opinion of another colleague; you will definitely challenge it. Even if someone from your work company put forward their opinion on any occasion that happened, giving worthy examples and evidence. You will still get involved in the conversation, and naturally, interrupting your colleague, you will begin to tell him that he is deeply mistaken, that he is far from right. At the same time, you may be underestimating the self-esteem of your interlocutor, because telling a person that he is wrong is, to put it mildly, not entirely good. Every person has an opinion on this or that fact of what happened, because it is not for nothing that it is said that all people are different, and therefore so are their thoughts.
"You can't clean up after yourself".
Even if this concerns forgotten documents or folders left on someone else’s desk that you folded when you were looking for the document you needed, going through and taking out all these folders. At the same time, saying that you will definitely clean everything up later. Agree that it was, to put it mildly, unpleasant for you to unexpectedly discover a mountain of incomprehensible documents on your desk, and also for yours or your colleague. This may also apply to unwashed dishes, from which it is not difficult to guess who is the owner of all this stuff, even in a common kitchen place, be it a table or a cabinet, not to mention someone else’s workplace.
"They say about you that you are an inveterate sycophant".
About someone like you, you can also say that not everything is right in your head, since you are always funny and cheerful when it comes to the words of your superiors, which can sometimes be difficult to understand where is humor and where are just words. Of course, because for you, everything that the management says is the most important, important, correct and interesting, and especially funny when said with fun. It’s your not always appropriate laughter that irritates all your colleagues, and that may be why they hate you so much. What’s even worse is that you’re always trying to praise your bosses, saying how strict and responsible they are, etc., despite the fact that many people simply can’t stand them.
"Real loudspeaker".
What's funny is that you just don't notice it or don't want to notice it. You often have to talk on the phone, be it at work, conversations that are part of your duties, be it chatting with a friend or relatives. And you do it loud enough that you can hear all the details of the conversation through the wall.
So get it right and then maybe no one will hate you anymore.
No one is spared from problems that often arise due to the fault of other people. But when this happens too often, even love can turn into hate. It doesn’t matter whether it is justified or not, it is important what to do when this terrible feeling becomes an integral part of life, destroying it to the ground.
How does hatred arise?
Nothing destroys life more than hatred of another, oneself or the world around us. It fills everything, because this feeling is so strong that others simply fade in front of it. And that is why it is so difficult to deal with it, because when it occurs, it is like a powerful fire that cannot be extinguished with a simple bucket of water, for this you will need a whole tank. And the whole point is that it arises from the backlog of negativity that a person mindlessly accumulates inside himself all his life.
It seems to us that if we do not respond to offenders or do it in a cultural way, so that others do not think badly of us and say that we are bad, then all the negativity that was poured on us will simply be forgotten and disappear. But this is not true at all. It’s just that our psyche is designed in such a way that it helps us forget the bad so that we can survive, only it does not disappear anywhere and is waiting in the wings.
And at that moment, when something similar happens from the bad things that have already been experienced, all the negativity that has not been experienced, comprehended and released immediately emerges from the depths of memory. It's like old clothes that are stored in a closet, from where they constantly fall out as soon as they try to put another pair of old trousers in there. And if there are too many of these things, they will overwhelm you so much that you won’t be able to breathe.
Therefore, psychologists unanimously urge not to brush aside your feelings, not to try to always be calm and balanced, cultured and well-mannered. Any emotions require release and comprehension. In order not to clutter the soul, they need to be accepted, experienced and released, and not put aside in a far corner so that they quietly rot and poison everything around. All the same, the moment will come when you need to free yourself from them, since they simply will not allow you to live normally. And it is not surprising that a mass thrown into distant and dark corners, consisting of various negative emotions, constantly restrained by willpower, turns into something unpredictable, deadly and corroding from the inside, such as hatred.
So remember, the emergence of hatred is much easier to prevent than to fight it. And to do this, you need to get rid of it even when the first shoots of this feeling arise, at the moment when resentment and the desire to destroy the offender, to cause him the same pain as he does to you, instantly arises in your soul in response to someone’s actions.
This can be done if you train yourself to respond to any provocations, insults and threats, either immediately, depending on what reaction someone has, or after some time, after realizing that the person has offended and caused pain. And it doesn’t matter whether he did it intentionally or on purpose, having become accustomed to testing the strength of those who failed to put him in his place in time.
It is important to understand that rage, resentment and anger arise solely from the pain we feel from someone's words, actions or behavior. Because he behaves badly or incorrectly in our opinion. We experience such strong emotions when we feel danger and threat, and our instincts at this moment try to protect us. They don’t care whether the threat comes from physical or moral pressure.
And if a person suppresses the subconscious desire to protect himself, he does not get rid of the feelings that have arisen, directing them to the one who poses a threat, but locks them inside, thereby creating a breeding ground for the development of hatred, which, having reached a critical mass, will later simply sweep away from the path all attitudes, rules of decency and attempts to convince oneself that wishing harm to another is ugly, bad and fraught with problems.
Because hatred is hidden grievances that you failed to protect yourself, defend your interests, and allowed someone to humiliate you and cause pain. People don't try to understand what caused this. Instead, they try to pretend that everything is normal, believing that such self-neglect is justified by the fact that if they dare to defend themselves, they will suffer even more. After all, most often those who offend are those who feel their power over others: bosses, men, parents, friends or girlfriends who are sure that nothing will happen to them for this, strangers.
That is why hatred so easily poisons human souls. She has a place to roam, since resentment and pain do not disappear anywhere, since they are not returned to the one who gave birth to them, fearing that they will be fired, abandoned, judged, laughed at, considered bad or rejected. Only in this case, fears are fears, but the soul demands protection of its living space, honor and dignity, and collapse occurs. On the one hand, it’s scary to fight back, but on the other, rage bursts from your chest, wanting to find a way out. And not finding it, it disappears into the depths of the soul, where over time it accumulates so much that it easily transforms into a desire for revenge, no matter who.
His target can be the person himself who failed to defend himself, the one who is weaker, in order to take it out on him for others, because this is not so scary. Or the entire world around us, which is easy to criticize and throw mud at, because people simply won’t think that someone’s grumbling and dissatisfaction, which doesn’t seem to concern them, actually poisons their lives.
True, such a state of mind eats up the person himself, preventing him from moving forward and enjoying life. In attempts to protect himself from even greater pain, to please his fears, not to show his true attitude towards some comrades (what if they say hysterical or sick), a person sinks more and more into the abyss of helplessness, which only helps to cultivate hatred and obscures everything else that is really important and necessary.
Photo: what to do if you hate
What to do if you hate
- It is possible to get rid of any feeling that interferes with your life when you have found the source that feeds it. Having eliminated the cause, it is much easier to cope with the consequences. In addition, this will allow you to forget once and for all about what tormented you and did not allow you to breathe deeply. When a person is struggling with the consequences of any disease, he feels relief only for a while, but until the cause of the disease is eliminated, it will not disappear anywhere, it will only subside for a while. And then, if you don’t deal with it completely, it will stop disappearing altogether, even for a while. Likewise, with negative feelings, without understanding the source, it will not be possible to solve the problem.
- Think about why this person or this situation is hateful. Remember everything that preceded this, when you realized that you hate, what was the impetus for its emergence. Try to look at it with different eyes.
- Be sure to learn to find the weak points of such rude people who suffer from low self-esteem, remember that they are always afraid of force, both physical and moral, and put them in their place. It doesn't matter whether you do it right away or after some time. After all, people react differently to what is happening, and if one instantly feels that they are trying to humiliate, trample or use him, another may understand this after some time. You have been hurt and it is your right to respond to it at any time and in any form. True, it is better if you simply say that such behavior, words, questions or actions are unpleasant to you and in the future you would not want this to happen to you.
- To get rid of hatred, it is worth thinking about whether hatred itself and the person who provoked it are really worthy of your time, your energy and the strength that you will spend on it. Is it really better to give up your own achievements in order to waste time and health, continuing to feel hatred for someone who is already deprived of reason and conscience, because of which he already has a bad life in the world, or this, most likely, will happen soon.
Photo: what to do if you hate
Anyone who is used to taking care of himself, loves himself and values his time and health, will never waste time on such a useless and harmful feeling as hatred. Of course, he experiences pain and disappointment, he is offended and unpleasant, but he has learned to immediately talk about it, and not accumulate all this negativity so that it turns into hatred that will destroy his life. Don't allow yourself to tolerate what makes you uncomfortable, and you will be able to deal with any negative feeling, leaving it to someone who dares to hurt other people.
