You've almost certainly had to deal with inappropriate behavior from people. An aggressive client, a dissatisfied customer, a tyrant boss - the options can be very different. How to deal with such people?

Michael Grothaus, a regular contributor to Fast Company, writer, journalist and former screenwriter, talks about this in his article.

Inevitability

In my nearly four decades, I've worked everywhere: in fast food establishments, stores, non-profit organizations, film studios, international technology companies, and as an entrepreneur. All this diversity is united by one inevitability: sooner or later I encountered inadequate people.

Sometimes they turned out to be ordinary customers, sometimes they were wealthy clients, then there were evil colleagues, but the worst nightmare was an inadequate boss. The problem is that these are not street freaks who are easy to ignore. My business and career depended on them; I couldn’t ask them to kill themselves against the wall.

Not long ago, at work, I had to communicate with a person who deserved all twelve points on a ten-point scale of inadequacy. It was truly terrible - I suffered from insomnia for several days in a row. In the end the situation was resolved unsatisfactorily for both parties. As a result, I decided to talk to experts in the field of relationships and find out how to properly behave with inadequate people of all stripes.

Lynn Taylor, CEO of Lynn Taylor Consulting, has developed a great mnemonic called CALM to help cope with stress when faced with an angry boss, bad clients or unfriendly co-workers:

Communicate- openly and regularly.

Anticipate- prepare for possible problems before the situation begins to worsen, have solutions prepared in advance.

Keep it simple (Levity)- this way you will reduce the overall degree of tension and help your boss or client realize that you are in the same boat. The main thing is not to overdo it.

Manage Up- Carefully study how to use positive and negative reinforcement, coordinate a list of priorities and expectations, role models and required behaviors, and draw boundaries. These skills will be useful to you in any position.

« When someone who seemed like a completely pleasant and sane person begins to behave strangely, it is logical to assume that he is going through a difficult period in his personal life, so you should treat the strange behavior with understanding,”- advises Guy Winch, psychologist, author of the book “Emotional First Aid: Relieving Rejection, Guilt, Feelings of Failure and Other Everyday Traumas.”

« But if a person behaves unpleasantly, criticizes everyone, is not inclined to cooperate and constantly lies, it is obvious that the matter is not in personal problems, but in the personality itself. This is how an inadequate employee is identified", he adds.

Getting started with a problem is not easy. Nobody wants to bite the “giving hand”; most often we prefer to do nothing.

« The fight-or-flight algorithm is poorly suited to this situation. Most often, events develop by inertia,” says Lynn Taylor, CEO of Lynn Taylor Consulting and author of Taming Your Terrible Office Tyrant. Nobody wants to risk their job, their position, their clients, their relationships. The simplest way is to do nothing until the situation explodes. The easiest way is to wash your hands and hope that everything will sort itself out. Unfortunately, this is complacency, which only leads to an exacerbation of the problem.

Don't lead to a thermonuclear explosion, but try to get out of an unpleasant situation with the help of advice from Guy Winch and Lynn Taylor.

Inadequate buyer

This may be a one-time or regular customer. In any case, he bought something from you, is dissatisfied with the purchase and before our eyes turns into a rare inadequate person.

« Dissatisfied customers can be provocative and extremely, extremely unpleasant. It’s good when they speak out and make their dissatisfaction known, rather than silently spreading rumors or leaving for a competitor.”, explains Winch.

You must do everything possible to solve the buyer's problems, even if he behaves quite harshly. However, there is a line that cannot be crossed.

If a buyer behaves aggressively and offensively, a certain limit must be set for him and, in general, for everyone who insults and humiliates others, threatens and behaves affectively. The boundary is set by assuring the buyer that you are doing everything possible for him and emphatically politely insisting that he communicate with you within the bounds of decency. If the buyer does not agree, explain that this is the end of your conversation and you are going to notify management of the incident. This is the advice Guy Winch gives.

Lynn Taylor adds that dealing with one aggressive buyer can be relatively easy if you're in a leadership position yourself. Employees in lower positions may feel that they have no right to contradict the client at all. This is why it is important to have company-wide sets of rules - they will protect your employees in unpleasant situations. The company should have ready-made scenarios and ways to resolve the worst possible scenarios. A prompt assessment of the situation on the spot is also important.

Let's say a client intends to conflict while he has enough strength, but you cannot constantly deal with the problems of such people and successfully run a business. You should always have ready-made “rescue plans” - a free line manager experienced in resolving conflicts with unpleasant customers; a standard list of conflict resolution options to the satisfaction of the buyer; time limit policy for handling complaints. The keys to success are professionalism and consistency.

And some bad news for inadequate clients. Some companies are already practicing protection against inappropriate customer behavior through innovative business models. At the top of the list of innovators are Uber, Lyft and Airnbnb with their user rating systems. The formula “the customer is always right” is turned on its head. Everything changes. If you want fanfare and a red carpet from a salesperson, you need to behave within the bounds of decency, says Lynn Taylor.

Inappropriate client

A client is a person who has been using your services for months or even years. Regular customers strive to make a good impression, at least while they are doing well. If a regular customer begins to behave in a less than reasonable manner, the best way to interact is through persuasion.

First of all, you cannot put off solving the problem until later. You need to react immediately. Use techniques of diffusion, mirroring, showing interest and achieving conflict resolution, recommends Lynn Taylor. Don't tell your client that they are being terrible. This will only fuel the conflict. Avoid emotional reactions, work with facts, for example:

Client: « You assured me that everything will be ready today! I should have refused your services.»!
You(scattering): " I understand your frustration. (Mirroring): If I were you, I would also be dissatisfied, I apologize for the misunderstanding that has arisen.". (Showing interest): “ We’ll get everything done by 3 p.m., is that okay with you?”
(Client agrees)
You(conflict resolution): “ Everything will be done by the appointed time.".

If inappropriate behavior quickly becomes a bad habit, consider having a one-on-one conversation with the client and consider meeting regularly. The reason often lies in ineffective communication, and face-to-face meetings are a great option for salvaging a deteriorating relationship.

Guy Winch advises gathering and briefing the team before a personal meeting with a difficult client. Warn people that the case is difficult. Assure them that you will handle the bulk of the contacts. If a client tries to harass your employees, politely ask him to address all complaints to you, and not to your subordinates.

Inadequate colleague

It is unpleasant to deal with an inadequate buyer or client, but you only have to see them periodically. What to do if your colleague behaves like an idiot?

First of all, it is worth finding out the real reason for this behavior. Perhaps they are “defending their territory” due to a loss of power or authority? Or maybe he feels that he is about to lose his former influence or important projects? Very often, there is a story behind a co-worker’s rude behavior. It should be explored before you take unpleasant behavior personally. It may well turn out that aggressive behavior is not directed at you personally at all. And if you respond in kind, it can be counterproductive. Of course, outright stupid or strange behavior should not be forgiven. We are not talking about unconditional acceptance and forgiveness, we are talking about preventive measures.

Start by being friendly: try to have lunch or a cup of coffee together. Let your colleague know that by collaborating with you, he will achieve great career success. Don't forget to explain that you have nothing to share, give reasons why this is so. Listen and ask more than you talk. Find out his needs and tell him about yours. Be casual, show optimism, but do not forget about modesty.

If a friendly fact-finding mission fails and your co-worker continues to behave inappropriately, it's time to move on to the next step. A frank conversation will help you get to the root of the problem. Be specific but diplomatic.

If a person does not cooperate and all this affects your performance, it’s time to go to your manager and get recommendations from him on how to correct the situation.

Inadequate boss

The last and most terrible item on our list is an inadequate boss. This person has power over your salary and career prospects, so interacting with him requires extra thoughtful planning.

Don't take this lightly. A poor manager can affect your emotional well-being and increase your stress levels more than you think.

Guy Winch advises assessing your corporate culture at the same time. In some companies, an extremely negative culture is transmitted from the very top and the emotional state of employees, to put it mildly, is not a priority. In such organizations, complaints about management are not welcome. But even in this case, you can’t put up with the boss’s inadequacy.

If your immediate supervisor becomes a source of severe stress, this must be dealt with. Constantly being in a bad mood can greatly damage your self-esteem, emotional and even physical health.

Try to follow the path of persuasion. After all, you provide some value to the company that spent time and money looking for you. It is more logical to solve existing problems than to simply let you leave. When you decide to talk to your boss, try to maintain a positive tone of the conversation. For example:

Speak: « I really enjoy working here and try to perform my duties as efficiently as possible. However, when you did “X” it affected my productivity. I hope in the future we will use “Y” instead of “X”. I'd like to be really helpful. (Pause) Thank you very much for your time.».

Do not speak: « I am very upset by your actions and am thinking about quitting».

If the conversation does not bring results, Guy Winch advises carefully recording cases of inappropriate behavior by the manager, enlisting the support of a number of colleagues and presenting the collected facts to the HR department or senior management.

If contacting the HR department did not yield anything or resulted in extremely sluggish, insufficient actions, it may make sense to contact a labor dispute specialist. Don't hesitate to do so if your boss is severely emotionally abusive or discriminates against employees based on gender, race, etc. In the worst case scenario, you will have to consider transferring to another department or changing jobs.

At the end of the day, no job is worth your mental health and diminished quality of life.

What to do if someone behaves inappropriately

"Something wrong with my head"

When someone's behavior is alarming, frightening, or confusing, people say, "There's something wrong with his head." Meaning mental disorder. Let's figure out why people behave strangely. And does every case of strange behavior necessarily need treatment from a doctor?

We, as a rule, evaluate the behavior of others on the basis of our own experience, ideas about the norms of public morality, as well as the rules that we are accustomed to follow. For example, “I would be ashamed to behave the way that girl behaves”; “I will be ready to fall into the ground (I will fight, get angry, get scared, feel guilty - underline as necessary) if they treat me like this”; “You can’t swear, take off your clothes, or shout in public places”; “Children must obey their parents in everything”; “It’s not nice to gesticulate violently in the company of unfamiliar people”; and so on.

If someone's behavior, from our point of view, goes beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable, we unconsciously feel anxiety, since we cannot predict this behavior. After all, if we are in the same room with such a subject, we can easily find ourselves in an awkward or dangerous situation, since he is not able to regulate his own impulses. In addition, our own personal boundaries are under threat: if a person does not feel the distance that must be maintained, he can easily invade our personal space and cause pain. In the situation of the presence of such a person nearby, we feel discomfort and, if we cannot get out of the situation, we are always in noticeable tension, being forced to control the environment.

Visible conduct disorder

Mental patients, being in a state of acute psychosis, may incorrectly perceive the environment, or not perceive it at all. They can act solely under the influence of the “voices” or delusional ideas that sound inside them, simply sweeping away from their path everything that interferes with the implementation of their plans. Getting in the way of such a patient can be deadly.

A person’s behavior may not correspond to accepted standards for a number of other reasons, from alcohol, medication or drug intoxication to an acute affective reaction.

People who behave aggressively, strangely, or outlandishly for many years typically have either severe personality pathology or a severe mental disorder that alters their perception of the world, thinking, and/or behavior. And this is the case when the presence of mental problems is obvious. However, this is not always the case.

Intermittent problems

There are a number of mental disorders in which the behavior of a sick person outwardly seems absolutely normal. And you will never guess that in front of you is a person whose behavior may be inappropriate - of course, unless you spend some time with him or find yourself in a close relationship. Typically, the underlying problems of people with recurrent behavior disorders are associated with addictions, mood swings, borderline or narcissistic personality pathology, or the paroxysmal course of mental illness.

There are known cases of twilight disorders of consciousness, when an outwardly absolutely calm person committed a serious crime, being unable to realize it. Drowsy states, ambulatory trances, somnambulism in many cases do not at all raise suspicions that the person does not understand what he is doing or does not control his actions.

Cravings for drug or alcohol use are known to cause the affected person to periodically manipulate others and do strange, illogical or dangerous things in order to obtain the chemical they want to consume.

Psychoses with visual or auditory hallucinations, delusional disorders with an intermittent or remitting (periodic) course, psychopathy and sociopathy may not manifest themselves in any way outside of an acute episode. We see a normal person with some not very alarming character traits (and who doesn’t have them?), and often very kind and very attractive - and we cannot even imagine that the time will come when his behavior will be unbearable and even dangerous .

"Quiet Madness"

In the most severe cases, emergency medical psychiatric care is required, sometimes associated with the need to involve police officers and the Ministry of Emergency Situations, guardianship and trusteeship authorities to send the sick person for treatment.

Calling a psychiatrist

In medicine, especially military medicine, the following principle is well known: first of all, those who scream less and ask for help are examined. This is due to the fact that a person in a state of shock, helplessness or depressed consciousness, due to the severity of the injuries, is not able to ask for help. And if you miss the moment, the matter can end in death. All doctors know: the most seriously ill patients do not ask for help. They are silent.

Psychiatry is no exception to the general rule. First of all, help should be provided to those patients from the last category: silent, depressed, in a state of acute delirium or acute hallucinosis; lonely dementia patients, locked in their homes and unable, due to their condition, to care for themselves. Therefore, if one of your neighbors or acquaintances suddenly disappeared, it is very possible that something bad happened to him and he needs professional medical help.

Often, people are prevented from providing this timely help to a mentally ill person by elementary fear (“come on, he’ll pounce”), disgust or prejudice. In this regard, the main thing to remember is that mentally ill people are people just like everyone else. The same, but constantly living in an extreme situation that their mental disorder created for them. They, just like the rest, if it were in their power, would choose a calm, adequate life. Vedas, absolutely no one wants to have problems - neither with enemies, nor with health. It is precisely in order to solve their problems that mentally ill people struggle with the machinations of fate that, as they see, have befallen them. And these “machinations” are precisely manifestations of mental illness: the “voices” of enemies; stalkers knocking on doors and threatening to kill them; those around them who are planning something bad against them, and so on. And even if we decide to help, we may not be able to talk about whether the person is hungry, healthy, or how long he last slept the first time, since all his thoughts and feelings are focused on getting rid of the threats hanging over him.

Psychiatrists have to talk with such patients every day. There are situations when it is impossible to provide help without medication. Therefore, in a situation of severe mental disorder, the best thing you can do for yourself or your loved one is to consult a psychiatrist.

What to do if a person is locked in an apartment

Try to carefully ask friends or neighbors about the last time they saw him and what condition he was in; what he talked about and whether he talked at all; what he looked like and how he behaved. Write a statement about the incident to the local police officer in whose territory the supposedly sick person lives. If you really want to, then carefully try to determine by indirect signs whether the one you are looking for is at home. If you have adequate contact with him, try to offer your help over the phone. However, avoid being intrusive or looming near the door to his apartment - in the case of delusional psychosis, they may consider you an enemy, and suddenly use some kind of weapon against you. It is better, if there is no answer, to entrust such actions to the police. The powers of the latter include the obligation to call a psychiatrist to persons suffering from mental disorders.

For other groups of people behaving inappropriately

there is the following rule. If a person behaves in a way that suggests he has a mental disorder, psychiatric care without his consent, he can be provided only when his actions pose an immediate danger to himself or others. This is written in Article 23 of the Law “On Psychiatric Care and Guarantees for Citizens in its Provision.” In other cases, assistance is provided only by court decision. An application to the court is submitted by a psychiatrist (local psychiatrist), who is conducting an appointment at a dispensary, or by a hospital emergency room doctor, if the patient was brought there.

Thus, the correct course of action in relation to a person suspected of suffering from a mental disorder is:

Ensure your own safety
Call the police if a person violates public order or someone else's rights
Submit a written application to the psychiatric clinic at the patient’s place of residence

In conclusion, I would like to note that someone’s strange behavior never means a mandatory call to a psychiatrist or hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital. Perhaps the person has suffered mental trauma, serious stress or emotional shock; maybe he has lost his nerve, he is offended, angry, annoyed or humiliated. This condition is called an “acute affective reaction.” Over time, this condition can go away on its own: the person himself will find a way out of the situation. Inappropriate behavior may be due to the fact that he is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and his inappropriate behavior is associated with this. And this will also pass without outside help, without examination or hospitalization.

And there is another very important thought that I would like to express. Please remember that in any case, you alone are responsible for your own safety. Try to ensure this safety for yourself first. Do not attempt to assist persons who are not helpless. Especially if you are not asked to do so. If you really want to help a mental patient, call a specialist. And then everything will be okay.

Hello! I found myself in a difficult life situation from which I cannot get out on my own. I am now 51 years old. I've been divorced for a long time. I dated a married man for four years. Four years of relationship without commitment. We didn't give each other vows or promises. He had his own life, I had mine. I dealt with my life problems myself, I never allowed myself to ask him for anything, I never tried to pull him out of the family, I didn’t call him, I didn’t bombard him with SMSs. Easy, non-straining relationships. We were interested in each other. We went to and from work together (we worked in the same organization), once or twice a week we spent about an hour together and he looked at his watch and flew home. He often told me that he would really like to live with me, but his wife was sick, she would be lost without him, that she had been wandering with him to garrisons all her life, etc. But I didn’t insist. And this was the case until November 2011. I started a new relationship, with my high school sweetheart, with the man I loved in my youth. But fate brought us together at the age of 50. He is lonely, nothing prevents us from being together, although the distance between us is 2000 km. We have seen each other several times. This could be happiness. But my ex-lover started a war. The whole of 2012 was hell for me. Threats, blackmail, pleas, tears, more blackmail, more threats. Starting with suicide, ending with the murder of me, my friend. I saw the weapon with my own eyes. He showed me a shooting knife and cartridges for it. He pursued me, threatening me in every possible way and practically raping me. And then he blackmailed me with the same thing again. So many tears, so much horror. I was scared that he would hire a killer for my loved one, that they would plant drugs on him and he would go to prison. And there is a lot more horror in my life. It was a year of terrible manipulations of my consciousness. In October 2012, under terrible pressure and using the same manipulations, he forced me to agree to live with him. I just gave up. It was terribly difficult to step over my love, to write - I'm sorry, it's over, I can no longer resist. My heart was bleeding. And so he reigned in my home. And hell began even worse than before. I was backed into a corner. They constantly looked through my phone, my mail, searched my apartment, my workplace, my diaries for notes, photographs or other incriminating evidence. Endless showdowns, nagging, wild jealousy. I only lasted two months. During this time, he managed to make repairs in my room and buy new furniture, although I warned him that if I had nothing to pay with, I had no money. And yet I put him out. Now is the time for wild revenge. I wrote to my beloved about these horrors. When I broke up with my tormentor, my beloved came for a few days. And he is watching, threatening, blackmailing even worse than before. Invents non-existent situations of my allegedly indecent behavior. And everything threatens - I will call, I will tell you what you are like, I will destroy your relationship, I will hire you, I will kill you. He is demanding money from me that he spent. I ask him to agree to an installment plan, i.e. gradual payments. Doesn't agree. He says I put you on the counter. And again, threats, threats, threats. The man is simply obsessed, and the meaning of life for him has become revenge and the only desire is to return “what is his.” You can, of course, contact the police. But I don’t like doing bad things. And I myself am so tired and live in constant fear and under constant pressure. Most of all I’m afraid that he might slander me in the eyes of my beloved, and he will believe it. Today I read several articles regarding paranoia. It feels like it was copied from him. Can you help me? How should I behave? He's just dangerous.

Renowned psychiatrist and consultant Mark Goulston tells how to emerge victorious from destructive communication. He has extensive experience working with unstable people, which led him to create a negotiator course for the FBI, and he knows that traditional methods of communication and reasoning do not work with them.

Goulston shares his best techniques for reaching irrational people. He resorted to these methods to reconcile warring colleagues and save marriages. You too can use them to keep the irrational people in your life under control.

How to talk to assholes

To reach irrational people, you must know why they behave the way they do. Additionally, you need to understand why reasoned discussion and logical arguments don't work as well as empathy and insight into the problem.

We understand crazy people

Having worked as a psychiatrist for decades, I can say that I understand crazy people, including deeply ill people. I'm willing to bet that you encounter at least one irrational person almost every day. For example, this is a boss who demands the impossible. A picky parent, an aggressive teenager, a manipulative colleague or a neighbor screaming at you, a sobbing lover or a quarrelsome client with unreasonable claims. When I say “crazy” or “crazy,” I mean that the person is behaving irrationally.

There are four signs that the people you deal with are irrational:

1) they do not have a clear picture of the world;

2) they say or do things that don't make sense;

3) they make decisions or take actions not in their own interests;

4) when you try to bring them back to the path of prudence, they become completely unbearable.

Key: become a psycho yourself

The tools I will discuss require courage to use. Because you won't just ignore the psychos and wait for them to go away. You will not argue with them or try to convince them. Instead, you will have to feel the madness and start behaving the same way.

Many years ago, someone explained to me what to do when a dog grabs your arm. If you trust your instincts and pull your hand away, the dog will sink its teeth even deeper. But if you use a non-obvious solution and push your hand deeper into the throat, the dog will loosen its grip. Why? Because the dog will want to swallow, for which he needs to relax his jaw. This is where you pull your hand out.

You can interact with irrational people in a similar way. If you treat them as if they are crazy and you are not, they will only fall deeper into crazy thoughts. But if you start acting like a crazy person yourself, it will change the situation dramatically.

Here's an example. After one of the most disgusting days of my life, on the way home, I concentrated on the troubles that had befallen me and drove the car on autopilot. Unfortunately for me, this all happened during California's extremely dangerous rush hour.

At some point, I accidentally cut off a pickup truck in which a big guy and his wife were sitting. He beeped angrily and I waved my hand to show that I was sorry. But then - just a couple of kilometers later - I cut him off again. Then the man caught up with me and abruptly stopped the truck in front of my car, forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. As I slowed down, I saw his wife frantically gesticulating, asking him not to get out of the car. Of course, he didn’t pay attention to her and a few moments later he already found himself on the road - two meters tall and weighing 140 kilograms.

He suddenly approached me and started knocking on the glass, shouting curses. I was so stunned that I even rolled down the window so I could hear him. Then I waited for him to pause so he could pour more bile on me. And when he paused to catch his breath, I said to him, “Have you ever had such a terrible day that you just hoped that someone would pull out a gun and shoot you and end all the suffering? Is this someone you? His jaw dropped. "What?" - he asked. Up to this point I had been very stupid. But suddenly I did something brilliant. In some incredible way, despite my foggy mind, I said exactly what was needed.

I did not try to negotiate with this intimidating man - most likely, instead of answering, he would have pulled me out of the car and hit me in the face with his huge fist. I didn't try to resist. I just became just as crazy and hit him with his own weapon.

He immediately changed, calmed down and started encouraging me: “Hey. What are you doing, guy,” he said. - Everything will be OK. Honestly! Relax, everyone has bad days."

I continued my tirade: “Easy for you to say! You didn’t ruin everything you touched today, unlike me. I don’t think anything will get better for me. Will you help me?"

He continued enthusiastically: “No, really. I am not kidding! Everything will be alright. Have a rest".

We talked for a few more minutes. Then he returned to the truck, said something to his wife and waved to me in the mirror, as if to say: “Remember. Calm down. Everything will be fine". And he left.

Now I'm not proud of this story. To be fair, the guy in the pickup wasn't the only irrational person on the road that day. But here's what I'm getting at.

That big guy could have taken my lungs off. And, perhaps, he would have done this if I had tried to reason with him or argue with him. But I met him in his reality, where I was a bad person and he had every reason to hit me. Instinctively using a technique I call aggressive submission, I turned him from enemy to ally in less than a minute.

Luckily, my reaction was natural, even on that really bad day. This happened because over many years of working as a psychiatrist, I put myself in the place of crazy people. I've done this thousands of times, in different ways, and I know it works. Moreover, I know it will work for you too.

The Psycho Mask is a strategy you can use with any irrational person.

For example, to talk:

with a partner who yells at you or refuses to talk to you;
with a child screaming "I hate you!" or “I hate myself!”;
with an aging parent who thinks you don't care about them;
with an employee who is constantly slacking off at work;
with a manager who is always trying to hurt you.

No matter what type of crazy person you're dealing with, learning to become a crazy person yourself will allow you to get rid of failed communication strategies and reach people.

As a result, you will be able to get involved in almost any emotional situation and feel confident and in control.

The Prudence Cycle Instead of Fight or Flight

Keep in mind that you will have to consciously get used to the role of a psycho, because your body will not want you to behave in this way. When you communicate with an irrational person, your body sends signals warning you of danger. Pay attention to this sometime and see for yourself: your throat tightens, your pulse quickens, your stomach or head begins to hurt. For such a physiological reaction, sometimes it is enough just to name the name of an unpleasant acquaintance.

It's your reptilian brain telling you to attack or run away. But if an irrational person is part of your personal or professional life, none of your instinctive reactions will help solve the problem. I'm going to teach you how to work through madness in a completely different way using a six-step process. I call it the "Prudence Cycle"

Here's what you need to do at each stage of this cycle.

1. Understand that the person you are confronted with is not capable of thinking rationally in this situation. Realize that the deep roots of his irrationality lie more in the distant (or not very distant) past, rather than in the current moment, so now you are unlikely to be able to argue or convince him.

Once you understand the course of action, you will feel calmer, more focused and in control of the situation, and will be able to choose an appropriate counter-strategy.

These tools will help you avoid “amygdala hijack,” an intense emotional reaction to a sudden threat.

This term, coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, describes a condition where the amygdala, the part of your brain responsible for generating fear, blocks rational thinking.

4. Talk to the irrational person, plunging into the world of his madness, calmly and objectively. First, accept the person's innocence as a given. This means that you must believe that the person is actually good and there is a reason for his behavior. Try not to judge, but to understand what caused this.

Secondly, imagine that you are experiencing the same emotions: aggression, misunderstanding, threat.

You can even apologize. And the more carefully and sensitively you reflect your opponent’s emotions, the sooner he himself will begin to listen to you.

6. When the person calms down, help him move on to more reasonable actions.

These steps are the basis for most of the psychological techniques I teach you (although there may be variations, such as when dealing with bullies, manipulators, or psychopaths).

However, keep in mind that going through the cycle of prudence with an irrational person is not always easy or fun, and this technique does not always work instantly. And, as with everything in our lives, there is a risk that it will not work at all (and there is even a possibility that the situation will get worse). But if you are desperately trying to reach someone who is difficult or impossible to control, this method is probably the best choice.

But before I get into my methods for dealing with crazy people, I'd like to talk a little about why people act irrationally. We'll look first at what's going on in their brains now, and then at what happened to them in the past.

Recognizing the mechanism of madness

To successfully talk to crazy people, you need to understand why irrational people behave the way they do. And the first step in this direction is to admit that they are much more like psychos than you thought. Take a moment to think about people with mental illness - those suffering from schizophrenia or delusional depression. Do you understand that talking will not help solve the problems of these patients? It wouldn’t occur to you to tell them: “Hey, you understand that he’s not really the Antichrist?” or “Your life isn’t that bad, so take the gun out of your mouth and go mow the lawn.” However, I think this is how you communicate with household psychos. For some reason it seems to you that you can easily reason with them.

For example, you probably use phrases like these.

"Calm down - you're overreacting."
“This doesn’t make any sense.”
“You can't really believe it. Here are the facts."
“Get back to earth, this is complete nonsense!”
“Wait a minute...how did you even think of that?”

I'm sure you've come across the popular definition of a crazy person: a person who repeats the same actions over and over again, expecting a new result. Well, if you constantly communicate with psychos in much the same way as I described above, not receiving the expected answer, but hoping for it, know: in fact, you are also not yourself.

Why, you ask?

Because everyday madness, like real psychosis, cannot be cured by ordinary conversations. It does not operate with facts or logic.

The psycho, despite your attempts to convince him, is still unable to suddenly change his behavior. Mad people don't refuse to change it, they can't do it.

Most people who behave irrationally are not by any stretch of the imagination what we would call sick, but like true psychopaths, they are incapable of thinking rationally. This is because the reason for such behavior is a mismatch in the brain (more precisely, in three brain structures), and a mismatched brain cannot respond normally to the arguments of reason.

The Science of Madness

To understand psychos, you need to know at least in general terms how madness develops. Now I will talk a little about the work of consciousness and how we go crazy.

First, thinking requires three parts of the brain. These three structures are interconnected, but often act autonomously. Sometimes they are at odds with each other. Under stress, they sometimes lose touch. If the stress is too much, communication between parts of the brain always stops. And often the re-setting of connections occurs in such a way that irrational people find themselves trapped in madness.

Neuroscientist Paul MacLean, who first described the triune, or tripartite, model of the brain back in the 1960s, described it in more detail in his 1990 book The Triune Brain in Evolution.

Here is a brief description of each structure and its functionality.

First, the basic, ancient brain (sometimes called the reptilian brain). It focuses on what is necessary for survival: finding food, mating, escaping danger, attacking.
The next part is the midbrain, the limbic system. It is found in all mammals and is responsible for emotions: joy, hatred, the desire to protect, sadness, pleasure. And also for forming a bond between you and your partner or, for example, your child.
The last layer is the neocortex, the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for higher nervous activity. Being the most developed structure of the three, it allows you to make optimal decisions, plan actions and control impulses. Most importantly, the neocortex is how you evaluate situations objectively, not subjectively.

These different parts of the brain developed sequentially, which is why they are arranged in layers, one above the other. When you are born, all three parts of the brain are already present in your body. If you're lucky, over time they form healthy connections that allow you to coordinate your survival instincts, emotions, and logical thought processes. In this case, each of the three structures can, at the right moment, take control of what is happening, but at the same time, the most evolutionarily developed neocortex will manage all processes. I call this the triune flexibility.

If you have it, you are able to approach the situation from one side, and when new circumstances are discovered, you can think about another option and successfully cope with some task in a new reality. With the triune flexibility, you can easily adapt to circumstances and gain the ability to cope even with major setbacks and real tragedies. Sometimes you do lose your mind when a disorder causes three parts of the brain to temporarily become out of sync, but you quickly bounce back.

What happens if early life experiences lead to less healthy wiring of parts of the brain?

If your parents harshly criticized you, as an adult, you will begin to think something like this: “It’s not entirely safe to say what you think.” If this happens often, then you will believe that the world is an alarming place, and you will be afraid and tense not only when communicating with a critic, but also with other people. Then your three parts of the brain become blocked and unite only in such a way as if you constantly see a parent in front of you, hear criticism addressed to you and think that it is unsafe to give the wrong answer. And if, for example, a school teacher asks you a question, you remain silent or answer: “I don’t know.” Your brain is trapped in the triune rigidity, so in any situation that reminds you of a critical parent, your feelings, thoughts and actions will slide into one repeating scenario. In psychology, this is called transference, or transference, because you transfer thoughts and feelings about a person who is not nearby to someone with whom you interact here and now.

In conditions of triune rigidity, your three brains find themselves united in a reality that is far from the one in which you currently exist. You begin to mistakenly use old techniques in conditions in which they do not make sense, and become unable to correct your behavior in the future. Result? Chronic crazy behavior: you repeat the same actions over and over again and hope that the new reality will eventually turn into the old one, where such behavior brought success.

Three paths to madness (and one to sanity)

Since madness is preceded by an imbalance in the functioning of certain areas of the brain, it is necessary to work with this condition not from the outside - trying to reason with an irrational person with facts - but from the inside. To do this, it is worth understanding how the main forms of madness are embedded in our behavior already in the early years of life. First, there are congenital factors. For example, if a person has inherited genes that cause a tendency toward increased anxiety, pessimism, and excessive emotionality, then his path to madness will be somewhat shorter than in other cases. Secondly, and this is an equally important factor, childhood impressions and experiences seriously influence the state of the psyche in subsequent years. Now I will give a few examples. Life is a constant movement towards the unknown. Taking the next step into the unknown, we encounter problems, due to which we feel either joyful excitement or anxiety, and sometimes both at once.

Sometimes we feel like we are too far removed from our familiar and safe environment, which causes us to experience separation anxiety. Over time, we learn to overcome such anxiety - and we are faced with a new type of anxiety, which is called individualization anxiety: childhood passes, and we begin to worry whether we will be able to successfully overcome growing up and become successful in adulthood. This is a normal stage of psychological development. During this period of development, we are especially sensitive to the behavior of people close to us. When taking a successful step forward, we always look back and wait for extremely important words like “well done, you’re doing it!” And if we encounter an obstacle, we wait for confirmation from loved ones that there is nothing wrong and it’s quite normal to retreat and try again. Development is always realized as a series of trials and errors: a couple of steps forward, then a small step back.

But what if we don’t get the support we need at a difficult moment? In the face of the unknown, we lose confidence, succeed less often, and make mistakes more often. It turns out that after every couple of steps forward we take three steps back. By mastering such a pattern of behavior, a person loses the ability to develop and adapt, locks himself within the framework of the inert trinity of the main zones of the brain and, as a result, becomes more or less psychotic. There are three wrong paths that lead to madness, and one way to maintain sanity. Let's discuss each of them.

Mistake #1: Being spoiled

Have you ever encountered people who constantly complain about something, try to manipulate, or expect applause for any reason? Chances are they are already on the path to insanity. Spoiledness is formed in different ways. Sometimes this happens because parents or caregivers rush to console the child whenever he or she gets upset. It happens that adults praise children too much or justify even the most outrageous behavior. Such adults do not understand that pampering is not the same as showing love and care.

A child accustomed to such treatment is doomed to experience a nervous breakdown whenever those around him do not show sufficient enthusiasm for him. Those who were overly pampered in childhood develop a peculiar form of madness, when a person in any situation easily convinces himself: “Someone will do everything for me.” Such people believe that they will be successful and happy without any effort. They often develop unhealthy dependent behavior, because the main goal is to fight a bad mood, and not to find a constructive solution to emerging problems.

Have you ever dealt with people who get angry and blame others for everything? It is possible that when they sought support at an early age, they received only criticism in return. They were in pain; the pain quickly turned to anger.

Mistake #2: Criticism

Children who are constantly scolded and criticized as teenagers try to take revenge by doing things that make the adults around them ashamed. Often such young people resort to more sophisticated ways to vent their anger: aggressively suppressing others, driving recklessly, cutting themselves, or getting into piercings. What happens when such a person faces a problem? He feels like a victim, but since his most familiar behavior pattern involves only accusations and criticism, he begins to do just that, losing the ability to forgive over time and becoming more and more embittered.

Because these children were endlessly scolded as children, their madness over the years takes on the following form: “No matter what I do, I will never be worthy of approval.” And even when they succeed, they do not allow themselves to enjoy the moment and wait for the inevitable returning to the usual cycle. It is obvious that the world around them causes them more and more rejection and anger.

Mistake #3: Ignoring

When a person rejects any idea because he is sure that nothing will work out, we can safely assume that in childhood the adults around him largely ignored him and, perhaps, were prone to narcissism. It is also possible that they were simply terribly exhausted, overburdened with worries, or even sick. This also happens to adoptive parents if at heart they are not particularly interested in the child. Now the child has won another victory and looks back at the adults to share the triumph with them, but sees that they did not notice anything at all. Or the child has failed and is waiting for support - and adults are busy with their own affairs or problems. The child becomes scared, and, what is especially bad, he begins to realize that he is left alone with his fear.

This is how a person becomes a pessimist, prepared in advance for defeat and convinced that nothing worthwhile will ever come of any idea. Trying new things is becoming more and more difficult, because you can make a mistake and again find yourself alone with fear, the fight with which he lost in childhood. The form of madness of such people is: “I will neither try nor take risks.”

Ideal scenario: support

Think of the most intelligent and balanced people you know who you would describe as wise, kind, pleasant, resilient, and emotionally intelligent. From my experience, I conclude that emotional stability was formed in such people in childhood. They were lucky: every time after a victory or defeat, one of the adults: parents, teachers, mentors - provided the necessary support. These people were neither spoiled nor depressed by criticism and did not suffer from lack of attention. Adults taught, guided, helped. At the same time, adults are not required to be perfect in everything - otherwise there would be a shortage of children growing into balanced and wise adults. But adults must provide the child with what I call an adequate level of care.

Children grow up confident when surrounded by such adults. When faced with difficulties, such a person says to himself: “I can handle it.” And all because even as a child he always had the support of loving adults - and it was imprinted in the subconscious. Having failed, these people do not complain, do not blame anyone, and do not withdraw into themselves. They maintain a fighting spirit, acting on the principle: “Hold on, world, I’m coming!” Sometimes they behave like crazy people - this happens to each of us. But for them, madness is only a temporary state.

(By the way, even if your parents didn’t support you enough as a child, there is hope. A good coach or teacher will still help you find a healthy mindset - this is exactly what happened for me. So if you were scolded, spoiled or ignored a lot as a child, look for people who can give you the support you need now.)

Temporary and chronic insanity

As I already said, no one manages to live life without temporary cloudings. When severe stress has a negative impact on the brain, any of us - even the most resilient and strong-willed - temporarily lose control of ourselves. Albert Einstein once said: “The most important decision for each of us is whether to consider the world around us dangerous or safe.” Unfortunately, chronically irrational people make the wrong decision about this at some point. Those of us whose three levels of the brain remain in constant healthy interaction, maintaining flexibility and resilience, move forward confidently.

Those who are unable to overcome the rigidity of the main areas of the brain do not perceive the world as a safe place. They constantly feel threatened, which is why they begin to behave more and more senselessly.

They focus either on self-preservation (“I am in danger and must do everything to survive”) or on maintaining their own identity (“This is who I am, and only by maintaining my current identity do I feel confident, competent, able to manage the situation”). . These people seem to live in a holographic projection, created by themselves based on past experiences and depicting a fictional world. They don't see the new reality. And therein lies a serious danger.

It seems that in a chronically irrational person, the brain behaves like a compass, always pointing towards the magnetic pole. And if life pushes such a person towards the east, west or south, he resists with all his might and does not want to know anything other than the northern direction - as if if he moves even one step, he will lose control over his own life or even die. We understand that this is just resistance to change, but such people consider such behavior to be persistence worthy of praise. They stubbornly cling to previous knowledge and beliefs, regardless of their relevance. As a result, all their efforts are spent trying to maintain their usual comfort zone.

And the more the brain conflicts with the changing reality, the more fiercely the person himself clings to the familiar picture of the world and the more inappropriately he behaves.

The stronger the imbalance in the functioning of the three levels of the brain, the sooner a person loses touch with reality.

Anxiety quickly develops into panic, and then the person becomes completely desperate.

Obviously, in a state of panic, these people perceive reality completely differently from how you see it, which is why it makes no sense to talk to them the way you would talk to a rational interlocutor.

In your world, two and two are exactly four, but in their special world, it is perhaps six.

We observe a similar picture during periods of temporary insanity, but in a chronically irrational person such behavior dominates. This is why you cannot help an irrational person regain touch with reality through logical arguments. Therefore, you will have to master the laws of the world designed by a crazy brain, and be ready to defend your position in a world where two and two are six. Now is the time to figure out exactly what type of madness you are dealing with. To do this, you need to understand a person's modus operandi.

How to determine the modus operandi of an irrational person

Each killer has a certain modus operandi (M.O.). Let's say, one uses a knife, another prefers a bomb, a third prefers a bullet. In approximately the same way, all irrational personalities develop an individual type of madness. Thanks to this, they manage to get what they want from you without giving anything in return. Different psychos find their own tricks: cry, withdraw into themselves, be sarcastic, show no emotions, or complain endlessly. Why do they behave this way? To maintain control over the situation, which they are afraid of losing. So they subconsciously seek to take control away from you and find ways to get you to react immediately and spontaneously to their behavior.

And this happens when the amygdala, located in the middle, emotional part of the brain, reacts spontaneously and blocks the work of the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain located in the frontal lobe that is responsible for logic and rational thinking - and activates the work of your reptilian brain, which controls the reaction " fight or flight." If such tactics are successful, you will be overwhelmed by emotions, and it will become difficult to think logically. In the end, you either break down or look for ways to avoid further communication, losing the opportunity to get a rational view of the situation from your interlocutor. The M.O. of an irrational person is his weapon. But at the same time, this is also the weakest point, because, having figured out what the essence of his M.O. is, you will be able to profitably use this information.

The behavior of a person stuck in a certain M.O. is predictable, and you always know what reaction to prepare for on his part, be it tears, hysteria, silence, aggression. And when you are ready, it is much easier for you to control your own emotions.

From individuality to M.O.

The way of thinking of irrational people is a projection into the outside world of their individuality, that is, of how they perceive themselves, as well as the attitude towards the world as a whole that has developed on the basis of their earliest impressions.

For example:

People who are overly pampered often become emotionally dependent or tend to manipulate others; they often demonstrate extremely emotional reactions whenever they have to do something they don’t want to do.

Those who are constantly scolded and criticized become aggressive or know-it-all; they may follow a certain logic too strictly or pay attention solely to practical details.published.

If you have any questions, please ask

We all sometimes have to communicate with completely unbearable people. How to build a dialogue with them correctly? Why don't calls to act wisely in these cases work? Psychiatrist and consultant Mark Goulston answers these and other questions in his book “How to Talk to Assholes: What to Do with Inadequate and Insufferable People in Your Life.” We publish several interesting fragments from it.

This book is about principles for dealing with people who behave irrationally. But when planning a conversation with such a person, do not forget to ask yourself: why are you even interacting with him?

Do you have a good enough reason? And wouldn't it be better for you to stay away from him? Often the answer is obvious: because you love this person. Either you depend on him financially, or are connected by some other circumstances. But sometimes things are not so simple. A relationship with such a person may not be very important to you, and then it turns out that you are just wasting your time. In this case, your behavior should also be considered insane...

Having worked as a psychiatrist for decades, I can say that I understand crazy people, including deeply ill people. What I mean? For example, one of my patients chased Britney Spears, and another jumped from the fifth floor because he believed he could fly. Another one once called me from a prison in the Dominican Republic and told me that he had been there intending to start a revolution. In addition, I have worked with anorexics who weighed less than 40 kilograms, heroin addicts, and schizophrenic patients who experienced hallucinations. I taught negotiators how to get murder-obsessed terrorist hostage-takers to surrender. Now I show directors and top managers of companies how to deal with people who threaten the business. Simply put, the abnormal people and I have long since switched to being on first-name terms. But recently an interesting thought came to me: I expect to meet a psycho every day, because this is my job. However, I suddenly realized how often do you have to deal with crazy people? - not by jumping from balconies or intimidating Britney Spears, but by those whom I call

household psychos. The epiphany struck me when I went to a meeting of developers and their lawyers who needed advice on helping families in crisis. I expected a boring meeting, but their stories fascinated me. I discovered that these people- just like me! Almost every situation discussed involved clients who behaved completely crazy. These lawyers had no problem drafting a will or setting up a trust. But they didn't know what to do if a client turns into a psycho, - and desperately wanted to know...

By the way, about the word “psycho”: I understand that it sounds provocative and politically incorrect. But when I use it, I don't mean mentally ill people... All of us are capable of acting crazy at some point. When I say “crazy” or “crazy,” I mean that the person is behaving irrationally. Eat four signs that the people you deal with are irrational:

they do not have a clear picture of the world;
they say or do things that don't make sense;
they make decisions or take actions that are not in their own best interests;
when you try to bring them back to the path of prudence, they become completely unbearable...

Tools I'll talk about when using require courage. Because you won't just ignore the psychos and wait for them to go away. You will not argue with them or try to convince them. Instead, you will have to feel the madness and start behaving the same way.

Many years ago someone explained to me what to do when a dog grabs your hand. If you trust your instincts and pull your hand away, the dog will sink its teeth even deeper. But if you use a non-obvious solution and push your hand deeper into the throat, the dog will loosen its grip. Why? Because the dog will want to swallow, for which he needs to relax his jaw. This is where you pull your hand out.

After one of the most disgusting days of my life, on the way home, I concentrated on the troubles that had befallen me and drove the car on autopilot. Unfortunately for me, this all happened during California's extremely dangerous rush hour. At some point, I accidentally cut off a pickup truck in which a big guy and his wife were sitting. He beeped angrily and I waved my hand to show that I was sorry. But then - just a couple of kilometers later - I cut him off again.

Then the man caught up with me and abruptly stopped the truck in front of my car, forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. As I slowed down, I saw his wife frantically gesticulating, asking him not to get out of the car. Of course, he didn’t pay attention to her and a few moments later he found himself on the road - two meters tall and weighing 140 kilograms. He sharply approached me and began knocking on the glass, shouting curses.

I was so stunned that I even rolled down the window so I could hear him. Then I waited for him to pause so he could pour more bile on me. And when he paused to catch his breath, I said to him, “Have you ever had such a terrible day that you just hoped that someone would pull out a gun and shoot you and end all the suffering? Is that someone you?”

His jaw dropped. "What?" - he asked. Up to this point I had been very stupid. But suddenly I did something brilliant. In some incredible way, despite my foggy mind, I said exactly what was needed. I did not try to negotiate with this frightening man - most likely, instead of answering, he would have pulled me out of the car and hit me in the face with his huge fist. I didn't try to resist. I just became just as crazy and hit him with his own weapon.

He stared at me and I spoke again: “Yes, I'm serious. I don't usually cut people off and I've never cut someone off twice before. It's just that today is the day when it doesn't matter what I do or who I meet - including you! - everything goes wrong. Will you be the person who will mercifully end my existence?” He immediately changed, calmed down and started encouraging me: “Hey. “What are you doing, guy,” he said. - Everything will be OK. Honestly! Relax, everyone has bad days."

I continued my tirade: “Easy for you to say! You didn't ruin everything you touched today, unlike me. I don’t think anything will get better for me. Will you help me?" He continued enthusiastically: “No, really. I am not kidding! Everything will be alright. Have a rest". We talked for a few more minutes. Then he returned to the truck, said something to his wife and waved to me in the mirror, as if to say: “Remember. Calm down. Everything will be fine". And he left.

Now I'm not proud of this story. To be fair, the guy in the pickup wasn't the only irrational person on the road that day. But here's what I'm getting at. That big guy could have taken my lungs off. And, perhaps, he would have done this if I had tried to reason with him or argue with him. But I met him in his reality, where I was a bad person and he had every reason to hit me. Instinctively using a technique I call aggressive submission, I turned him from enemy to ally in less than a minute. Luckily, my reaction was natural, even on that really bad day. This happened because over many years of working as a psychiatrist, I put myself in the place of crazy people. I've done this thousands of times, in different ways, and I know it works. Moreover, I know it will work for you too. The Psycho Mask is a strategy you can use with any irrational person. For example, to talk:

with a partner who yells at you or refuses to talk to you;
with a child screaming "I hate you!" or “I hate myself!”;
with an aging parent who thinks you don't care about them;
with an employee who is constantly slacking off at work;
with a manager who is always trying to hurt you.

No matter what type of crazy person you're dealing with, learning to become a crazy person yourself will allow you to get rid of failed communication strategies and reach people. As a result, you will be able to engage in almost any emotional situation and feel confident and in control.

2. Determine the other person's modus operandi - the unique set of actions that he resorts to when he is not himself. His strategy is to throw you off balance, make you angry, afraid, frustrated or guilty. Once you understand the course of action, you will feel calmer, more focused and in control of the situation, and will be able to choose an appropriate counter-strategy.

3. Realize that crazy behavior is not about you. But it says a lot about the person you are dealing with. By ceasing to take his words personally, you will deprive the enemy of an important weapon. At the same time, use the necessary psychological tools during the conversation; they will keep you from falling into madness. These tools will help you avoid "amygdala hijack" - an intense emotional reaction to a sudden threat. This term, coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, describes a condition where the amygdala - the part of your brain responsible for generating fear - blocks rational thinking.

4. Talk to an irrational person, plunging into the world of his madness, calmly and objectively. First, accept the person's innocence as a given. This means that you must believe that the person is actually good and there is a reason for his behavior. Try not to judge, but to understand what caused this. Secondly, imagine that you are experiencing the same emotions: aggression, misunderstanding, threat.

5. Show that you are an ally, not an enemy: listen calmly and carefully to the person while he is blowing off steam. Instead of interrupting, let him speak. this way you will surprise the person who is waiting for a retaliatory attack and get closer to him. You can even apologize. And the more carefully and sensitively you reflect your opponent’s emotions, the sooner he himself will begin to listen to you.

6. When the person calms down, help him move on to more reasonable actions. These steps are the basis for most of the psychological techniques I teach you (although there may be variations, such as when dealing with bullies, manipulators, or psychopaths). However, keep in mind that going through the cycle of prudence with an irrational person is not always easy or fun, and this technique does not always work instantly. And, as with everything in our lives, there is a risk that it will not work at all (and there is even a possibility that the situation will get worse). But if you are desperately trying to reach someone who is difficult or impossible to control, this method is probably the best choice.

Mark Goulston