Outbursts of anger, quarrels with loved ones and colleagues, rudeness in the subway...WomanJournal.ru learns to respond correctly to aggression, without suppressing or provoking it.

Aggression

Aggression is an integral part of our life. We encounter it all the time: reacting to the attacks of others or being surprised by our own outbursts of anger. At some point, a person realizes that it is necessary to fight not only and not so much with other people’s aggression, but with one’s own - after all, it interferes with communication with people, and there is more harm from it than benefit or pleasure.
How to learn to respond correctly to aggression and protect yourself from its destructive influence? We turned to consultant psychologist Alexandra Grushevskaya with these questions.

Understand the origins of internal aggression

Aggression

To cope with your internal aggression, it is necessary to understand exactly what type of aggressive behavior we are talking about.

So, in case hostile aggression(when the main goal of the aggressor is the very fact of causing harm to the “victim”), you need to try to find its origins. After all, it’s not for nothing that we like to take pleasure in attacking people? Perhaps some childhood grievances haunt us? Sometimes, to take the first step towards change, it is enough to simply realize these moments.

If we use aggression as a tool to achieve a certain goal... which means we should think about another way to achieve our goals. Aggression is colossal energy, it gives us strength, and it is not so easy to completely abandon it, and it is hardly necessary. You just need to direct this energy into a more peaceful direction - into sports or creativity, thereby transforming it for good.
Rules for dealing with an aggressor...

Ignoring aggression

Rules for dealing with an aggressor

First of all, you need to understand what kind of aggression aimed at you: have you fallen into the hands of your boss or are you being deliberately and purposefully being bullied?

In the fight against aggression, two components can be roughly distinguished. The first is self-defense or, in psychological terms, strengthening and protecting one’s psychological integrity. The second is direct opposition. Often these components are difficult to separate from each other, as they flow smoothly from one another.

Aggression as a provocation

Ignoring aggression

If you are facing aggression in public places, then the healthiest and safest way to confront it is to ignore it. And the point is not at all to “appear superior” or “not stoop” to the level of the aggressor. It’s just that, as a rule, “tram louts” show their aggression only to ruin someone’s mood. So is it worth giving in to their provocation? After all, you won’t engage in a long philosophical debate with a capricious child about ways to resolve an existential crisis?

Strengthen protective armor

But in practice, this seemingly simplest method turns out to be impossible for many: how is it possible that they throw mud at me, but I remain silent?? Therefore, in order to successfully move to this stage, you first need to strengthen your “protective armor”. Instead of responding with rudeness to rudeness, wasting several hundred nerve cells at the same time, you should think that, for example, the saleswoman who threw mud at you is probably a very unhappy person. As soon as we feel pity for someone...

The boss points with his finger

As soon as we feel pity for someone, we automatically put ourselves above this person and look at his aggressive manifestations from a completely different angle, not with irritation, but with sympathy.

Repel aggression

Another equally effective way of fighting is to repel aggression. Imagine that a person telling you nasty things throws a small ball with spikes at you, and you carefully catch it, break off the spikes and throw it back. Difficult? Let's try to understand this with an example. Suppose someone (for example, a huge lady of menopausal age) on the street says to you: “Hey, be careful, where are you going? You’re already completely insolent!” - just at the moment when you carefully squeezed past her.

The boss points with his finger

The easiest thing at this moment is to respond just as elegantly and kindly, thereby giving rise to a very unpleasant discussion on the topic “who will deceive whom more.” If you are not an energy vampire, the result will be a headache and a bad mood. So it’s better to imagine how hard it is for her, how much she hates herself deep down and that’s why she takes it out on those around her. And just say: “Did I offend you? Sorry, I myself can’t stand it when people touch me.” As a rule, this is enough to nip in the bud the aggressor’s nascent desire to start a scandal out of nowhere.

Humor

Another way to counteract this can be humor. The ability to ridicule an enemy is a terrible weapon. But this method is not so simple, because it is not for nothing that mastery of words is one of the most valuable skills. But there is a simpler way...

From childhood, our parents taught us to be polite to other people. In particular, they taught us not to be rude to elders, and to treat younger ones with respect. However, unfortunately, this is not true for all people. There are people who choose rudeness as the main way to prove to a person that they are right. When communicating with such people, it is very important to understand how to react correctly to insults and aggression, so as not to “fall in the face.”

What is rudeness?

Nowadays, a person is faced with rudeness almost every minute of his life. Imagine the situation - early in the morning you, as before, got ready for work in high spirits, got into a minibus, and quite accidentally stepped on the foot of the person standing in front of you.

How would a cultured, educated person behave in this situation? Of course, he will turn to you to see who dared to disturb his train of thought in such a brazen manner. And then you, looking the person straight in the eyes, guiltily say: “Please forgive me, I didn’t do it on purpose,” to which the person will calmly answer you: “Nothing, everything is fine.”

The situation is completely different with an uncultured and poorly educated person, for whom rudeness is an everyday thing. You won’t even have time to open your mouth to apologize for stepping on his foot before you hear addressed to you: “What are you doing! We were completely stunned, trampling like elephants in a china shop! And where are you from?”

And then you, as a well-mannered person, understand that on the one hand you are to blame, but on the other hand, your act is not so terrible as to provoke such an aggressive reaction from your interlocutor.

And another type of rudeness is silence. Yes, yes, precisely silence, or rather complete ignorance of the presence of the interlocutor. So, if a person asks a boor a question in order to find out the latter’s point of view, and he remains silent in response, this shows the boor’s absolute indifference to his interlocutor, which sometimes hurts more acutely than any word.

Reasons

Most often, in order to offend, boors show aggression towards a person, descending to banal hysteria. Boors do not consider it necessary to say veiled phrases, saying everything they think about a person directly to his face. The main reasons for this strange behavior are as follows:

1. The desire of a boor to be noticed by people around him
   Lack of communication, love and attention. Of course, this is the main reason. Boors most often become people to whom their parents did not say words of praise in childhood, to whom they did not pay enough attention, and whose words were not taken seriously. Every child needs the attention and love of their parents like air - this is a fact, and therefore the child, not receiving the attention of his parents naturally, resorts to terrible behavior and rudeness.
2. The desire for self-affirmation through boorish behavior
   When the interlocutor cannot adequately respond to rudeness, the boor notices this and begins to humiliate the person, rising in his own eyes. Most often, a person cannot answer a boor because he is afraid of him, or depends on the boor. There is no need to note that in such conditions the fact of rudeness does not deserve not only respect, but even understanding and acceptance. Boors simply use their position to assert themselves.
3. State of disappointment, fatigue and despair
   Being in one of these states, each of us is capable of being rude to our interlocutor for no apparent reason, even without being a boor. As a rule, after what happened, the person apologizes, and the interlocutor (unless, of course, he is a boor) accepts his apology. However, if a cultured person is rude to a less cultured person (a boor), then no apology will go through, because the boor will already be on edge, having done everything to start a conflict.

It should also be noted that rudeness can result from a person’s inability to clearly argue their point of view.

When two people argue, and one of them gives specific arguments regarding the correctness of his own point of view, the other, being absolutely confident in his rightness, but not being able to convey his position to the interlocutor, decides to go all the way and resorts to outright rudeness.

Interesting to know! As a rule, in 99% of cases, the interlocutor who has reached the level of rudeness not only loses in the argument, but also shows the people around him his low level of culture.

What is aggression?

Aggression is understood not only as behavioral and emotional manifestations, but is also analyzed from the point of view of the form of human social behavior. Aggression is any human behavior that is distinguished by the fact that it contains an obvious or hidden threat, as well as causing harm.

Thus, this is a certain action directed by the aggressor towards his victim (this can be either another person or any object) with the aim of committing violence against him or causing harm. If aggression can be considered as an intention to cause harm, then aggressive behavior is already aimed at committing an action. Among the main signs of this behavior are the following manifestations:

• tendency to dominate others;
• using other people to achieve one's goals and desires;
• desire for destruction;
• causing damage to surrounding people, living beings and things;
• tendency to show violence and cruelty.

So, aggression is a destructive form of behavior that is in confrontation with existing norms and rules in society, and also causes physical harm to a person or creates psychological discomfort for his personality.

Moreover, aggression finds its manifestation both in real action and in fantasies or intentions. When aggression occurs as a situational reaction of a person, it is customary to talk not about aggression, but about aggressive actions.

Important! If such reactions and actions are repeated periodically, this is already aggressive behavior.

As for aggressiveness, it is a special form of human behavior, which finds its manifestation in relation to other people and is characterized by the intention to cause harm or damage, as well as create various kinds of troubles for them. R. Nemov (Doctor of Psychological Sciences) considers human aggressiveness to be a necessary response, unprovoked by hostility, which is directed both towards individuals and the world around us as a whole.

Also, aggression in psychology is considered as a property and personality trait, which manifests itself in the following:

• tendencies to attack other people and animals;
• cause trouble to people around you and dominate them;
• harm people, animals and the environment.

Most psychologists classify aggressiveness as a personality trait, but despite the fact that it ranks alongside cruelty, a person’s aggressiveness can safely be considered a more moral category, since not every action supported by aggression will be characterized as cruel.

In principle, aggressiveness can be defined as a personality trait that manifests itself in the readiness to commit any aggressive actions within the framework of one’s interests and in order to achieve certain results.

Reasons

The strength of aggressive reactions, as well as the direction and duration of aggressive actions, depends on many different reasons. Therefore, the problem of aggressiveness should be analyzed from the point of view of the impact on a person of physiological, psychological, social and situational factors.

But here it should be noted that whatever the physiological and psychological characteristics of a person, the main causes of aggressiveness are conflicts and conflict situations, be they short-term or long-term, conscious or unconscious, forced or specially created.

Important! Thus, any manifestation of aggressiveness is a consequence of a person’s dissatisfaction with the surrounding reality, his standard of living, other people, or himself.

Aggressiveness, like aggression, can have:

• explicit or hidden in nature, that is, a person can clearly demonstrate dissatisfaction and commit aggressive actions, or, conversely, do nothing (complete inaction with the aim of causing harm by such behavior);
• manifest themselves physically (harm and injury) or verbally (verbal abuse and threats);
• be direct and indirect, active and passive.

The forms of aggression are as follows:

Any manifestation of aggressiveness has a certain basis, that is, there are certain factors that contribute to such human reactions. So, the main reasons for aggressiveness are as follows:

• hatred, which can take the form of moral convictions, aggressive assertion of one's own ideals and power, or become a psychopathology of a person's character;
• situational factors;
• personal characteristics (personal factors), type of temperament and character traits;
• situational, social, socio-psychological and behavioral factors.

The listed causes of aggressiveness (or rather, the factors that contribute to its manifestation) are described in more detail in the table below.

As for the peculiarities of the formation of a certain level of aggressiveness, a special role is given to the social environment and the characteristics of the individual’s education system.

A person’s aggressiveness and the ways in which it is expressed have significant differences depending on age, namely:

1. At an early age, children show aggression (if their needs and desires are not met) through crying, screaming, lack of smiling and refusal to contact their parents (cruelty towards other, younger children can also be observed).
2. The manifestation of aggression in preschool age becomes more diverse (children no longer only cry and scream, but also use offensive and obscene words in their speech, bite, pinch, spit and fight), of course, all these reactions are mainly impulsive in nature.
3. Younger schoolchildren often direct their aggressiveness towards weaker children (they choose a “victim”) and it manifests itself in the form of pressure, bullying, ridicule, fights and swearing.
4. Aggression in adolescence most often depends on the influence and evaluation of peers or older comrades, and here this form of behavior is a way of establishing oneself in a team and the desire to take one’s place in the reference group.
   

   Important! It should be noted that it is at this age that the active formation of aggressiveness occurs not only as a situational manifestation, but also as a persistent characteristic of the individual.

5. The manifestation of aggressiveness upon reaching adulthood is characterized by great diversity, because it is influenced by many factors, including the individual characteristics of his personality that have already been formed in a person.

Among the individual psychological characteristics that determine aggressiveness, it is necessary to highlight:

• presence of fear of the possibility of non-recognition and disapproval from society;
• increased irritability, suspicion and impulsiveness;
• dependence on signs and conventions (especially ethnic, religious, linguistic);
• the tendency to feel not a sense of guilt and responsibility, but shame and resentment;
• low ability to adapt and lack of skills to cope with frustrations.

A person’s aggressiveness is formed and transformed throughout a person’s life, therefore, its level, as well as the forms and methods of its manifestation, are influenced by various factors and conditions. Among the most significant conditions for the formation of aggressiveness, the following should be highlighted:

• age, gender and individual characteristics;
• examples of aggressive behavior of significant others;
• influence of mass media and mass media;
• family factors (one-parent or incomplete family, domestic violence, isolation and low contact, lack of attention, conflict and inadequate parenting style).

How to respond to insults?

It is very important to learn to calmly respond to any rudeness without “losing face” and your sense of dignity.

It is difficult not to admit that cultural treatment rarely makes a strong impression on a boor. Here are some tips to help you deal with your bully.

1. It happens that you want to respond, but you know in advance that any of your words simply will not have an effect on the offender. Of course, in this situation it is better not to waste words and energy, but simply abruptly end the dialogue.
2. It often happens that the person “attacking” you actually has nothing against you personally - he’s just in a bad mood. In this case, it is enough to ask him the question: “Bad day?” An adequate person will not argue with this, and it is even possible that he will apologize.
3. It is often better not to lead to retaliatory insults. Try to avoid this situation by asking your interlocutor what he told you. Pretend you didn't hear his words. It is quite possible that the person has already regretted what he said. If the “attack” continues, then, apparently, you have a rare boor in front of you.
4. During some dialogues, we are simply stifled by the desire to attack our interlocutor. And yet, be that as it may, it is very important not to get to this point - you will almost certainly regret it. Try to keep your mind calm. It will be ideal if you learn to counter with witty remarks and not show that the provocations offend you in any way.
5. It is impossible not to mention one of the most common mistakes made by people who were forced to face insults. It's about making excuses. Often, having heard offensive words, we try to prove to our opponent that he is unfair to us. With such tactics, you will undoubtedly find yourself in a position of humiliation.
6. For example, if you yourself have offended a person, and you understand that all his insults are just hurt pride and an attempt to take revenge for the insult, then it is better to remain silent. The interlocutor is likely in agony, and with additional remarks you will further aggravate the situation.
7. If you are being offended undeservedly or “out of the blue,” then your opponent probably wants to “blow off steam,” and it is quite possible that you simply fell into the hands of someone else. Of course, in this situation you should not be a “punching bag” - put the offender in his place!
8. If you are insulted by a person who is clearly in an inadequate state, then it is better not to have anything to do with him and not to get involved in a dialogue. We are talking about a person who is hysterical or under the influence of alcohol or drugs. You will not be able to prove anything to such an interlocutor, and it is even quite likely that with your answers (any!) you will provoke him to a new stream of aggression or even the use of physical force.

How to deal with aggression?

The best defense against verbal aggression is not to respond to it, not to react! But it is undoubtedly very difficult. Hurtful words cannot but hurt and hurt. Therefore, you need to learn not just to silently restrain yourself, to endure so as not to fight back while someone shouts and “throws mud”, but not to attach importance to it:

• reduce the importance of what is happening so much that the words do not touch a nerve;
• see the positive in what is happening, be able to laugh at the situation and the offender;
• be aware of the negative feelings that arise in response to aggression and think of them as coming, controlled by the mind;
• humanly sympathize with the aggressor, try to distract yourself from the feeling of violated dignity and think of your offender as an unhappy person who most likely lacks love.

Most aggressive adults in childhood were weak and vulnerable; they really wanted, but did not have enough love, care, and tenderness. People who have had an inferiority complex since childhood and grew up in dysfunctional or single-parent families grow up to be cruel.

So, to protect yourself from verbal aggression, you will have to try:

1. Don't respond to aggression
   Just remain silent in response. You can answer only when the answer is thought out and you are confident that it will be heard. The aggressor expects a retaliatory verbal attack; you shouldn’t follow his lead, you shouldn’t live up to his expectations.
2. A clear and calm “Stop!”
   You can say, “Wait. Stop! You're angry. I will continue to communicate with you if I hear in your words and tone a respectful attitude towards me.” Such words can be accompanied by a “Stop” gesture and moving away from the interlocutor.
3. See yourself from the outside
   It’s good if there is a large mirror or reflective surface nearby, then you won’t need to use your imagination. Looking in the mirror, it is easier to control your emotions (after all, you can see them on your face) and look at the situation as an outside observer. A mirror can also help an aggressor (but an angry person should not be asked to look in the mirror, this may provoke him to even greater aggression). Many people in anger do not recognize their reflection in the mirror: “Is it me? I’m kind, but this one is like a beast!”
4. Agree with the aggressor
   This is the most unexpected reaction possible. Say: “Yes, you are right. I'm a bad person, I know it myself. You are undoubtedly better than me." Agreement will not resolve the conflict, but it can stop the flow of insults and lies.
5. React outside the box
   This method is suitable in cases where the aggressor is accustomed to seeing the same reaction and is waiting for it to continue the attack. He will be discouraged by his unusual behavior.

For example, a husband insults and calls his wife names, blaming her for her imperfect figure. He is used to his wife crying when she hears criticism of him. If instead of tears the husband hears laughter, he will at least stop, and if his wife comes up, kisses him and says: “I’m glad that you are so attentive to me that you notice all my features!”, then he will think seriously.

Recently, aggressive behavior can be called perhaps the most common burning topic in modern society, since one has to deal with rudeness, irritation and violence quite often, and the manifestation of these emotions has become more the rule than the exception. We are becoming more and more accustomed to this behavior and are increasingly showing aggression ourselves. Why is this happening? Our daily well-being is woven from numerous contacts with family, friends, teachers - with all the acquaintances and strangers with whom life confronts us. It is necessary to be among people and interact with them, but each of us knows that there are people with whom this is very difficult to achieve and we have to experience unpleasant negative feelings. Of course, we can say that the modern pace of life “fuels” accumulated negative emotions and gives them an outlet, thereby justifying ourselves, but this does not help us learn to cope with aggression. And the problem is not how to suppress them, but how to learn to express them in forms that would not harm either us or others.

What is aggression?

Aggression is a person’s reaction to the hostile actions of another person “to protect the occupied territory,” or a way of getting rid of one’s own feelings of insecurity. This reaction can be either obvious - hitting a person, or indirect - flaring up, screaming.

Nevertheless, we more often encounter aggression, which is expressed in verbal negativity, and such manifestations can be encountered anywhere: in public transport, at work. Such meetings in any case leave an unpleasant aftertaste in the soul, but how to behave in such a situation in order to leave with dignity?

People show intolerance towards others for many reasons, in general, they can be divided into two types:

"Random boor." In this state, a person is able to throw out negative emotions at the first person he meets. The reason could be anything: you accidentally stepped on his foot or pushed him. Curses and accusations will immediately fly at you. A person in such a state speaks faster than he thinks, so he is not aware of what is happening.

"Boor provocateur." There are people who get satisfaction from humiliating another person. They are looking for people who cannot answer them in kind. For example, a shy student is a more suitable victim for a boor than a tall, broad-shouldered young man. A boor can deliberately provoke you into conflict, so that at your first response, he can direct his entire stream of anger and rage at you.

1. Don't respond to your opponent with an insult. Not only will you stoop to his level, it remains to be seen who will win this verbal altercation, since your offender may have considerable experience in this regard. Try to look at him as calmly as possible and mentally sympathize, perhaps this is the most unfortunate person in the world. From wise awareness it will become easier, you yourself will be surprised at your reaction.
2. You can, of course, ignore the insults, but this does not always help. A boor who throws mud at his opponent and does not receive an answer may feel his impunity and then it will be more difficult to stop him. It is not always possible to leave such a rude person with dignity. This can be done if you don't see him again. What if this is your work colleague? The main thing is not to lose control of the situation. Do not answer immediately, wait a short pause. This time will be enough for you to think about your answer and objectively assess what happened. It is better to talk to the boor in a polite tone. Take his accusations against you as valuable advice. The boor will quickly get tired of the fact that his methods have no effect on you. Yes, and the politeness with which you come out of this situation will leave only pleasant impressions on those around you.

If you yourself notice that you are easily irritated and rude to others, remember the following - the best way to deal with the “disease” is its prevention.

• In order to effectively free yourself from negative emotions and restore peace of mind, learn a simple method - “breathe correctly and pay attention to your breathing” for 30 seconds. Just be aware that you are breathing through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Usually after half a minute you will have forgotten what bothered you so much.
• If you are angry with someone, try to mentally put yourself in the other person's shoes. Ask yourself, what is he right about, why does he behave this way and not otherwise?
• Try not to pay attention to minor irritants, live as if today is the last day of your life.
• Instead of blaming others for troubles, try to forgive them, because everyone has their own shortcomings.
• Interrupt an aggressive train of thought with an unpleasant action, for example, lightly biting your lip. Over time, a conditioned reflex will develop that allows you to control aggression.
• Every time you have aggressive, cynical thoughts, find 3 reasons why it is unreasonable.
• Tell someone you trust about your aggressive thoughts. Sharing your anxiety with someone will make it easier for you to deal with it...
• Try to be persistent and not aggressive in all matters.
• Learn to relax and relieve nervous tension, this could be auto training, sports, meditation, chatting with friends, etc.
• Try to learn to trust people. To begin with, choose a simple situation where complete disappointment in a person will not bring you big troubles.
• If possible, try to listen more to others and understand what they want to achieve.
• But most importantly, remember that your emotional state still depends on you It’s always very easy to get upset, angry, or offended, but learning to calmly control your emotions and get out of situations with dignity is difficult work that requires effort and certain skills.

Book fragment Kovpak D.V. The wrong ones were attacked! or How to deal with rudeness? - M.: Peter, 2012

How long can you put up with rudeness? In transport, at work, visiting, at home, online, on the street - anywhere! How long can you play the role of the victim? Patiently enduring any inconvenience, any manifestation of rudeness. A famous psychotherapist and courageous man, Dmitry Kovpak decided that enough was enough! Read his exciting stories and professional advice on combating rudeness and cynicism. Doctor Kovpak is ready to change the world around him without bending to it! What about you?

Basic Strategies for Overcoming Rudeness

Effective counteraction

Obviously, there are three approaches in relationships between people. The first is to consider only yourself and suppress others... The second is to always give in to others in everything... The third approach is to keep in mind your own interests without neglecting the interests of others.

Only the dead cannot be touched alive. Each of us has found ourselves in situations where we were hurt or psychologically traumatized. Naturally, there is a desire to punish or teach the offender a lesson, or to minimize the damage to the reputation and assessments of others.

What exactly should I do? Tolerate or respond? How will all this turn out? And a whole host of other questions are constantly spinning in my head. This is not the first time this has happened and not only to you. How did people who had already encountered a similar problem respond to this before?

Confucius was once asked the question: “Is it right to return good for evil?” To which he replied: “You need to respond to good with good, and you need to respond to evil with justice.”

Undoubtedly, if you regularly allow yourself to be offended, this can become a habit among your offenders. A rude person’s desire to make a remark or even lash out at you comes before there is a reason for it.

If you help unstable people by regularly providing them with a platform to vent their irritation, this tactic will begin to work automatically for them. They will no longer have to wonder who is to blame for everything.

So, by confusing patience and prudence with fear and laziness, you can turn into a local scapegoat.

A person in reality is not as peaceful as he declares and even as he thinks about himself. Therefore, expecting your offenders to see the light on their own, admit mistakes and injustices being committed, may turn out to be too time-consuming and expensive a strategy. Help them realize that they are in for the wrong thing.

But respond not to the content of your opponent’s speech, but to the very fact of his interference in something other than your own business.

Whether there are winners in a fight with rude people is a controversial and even rhetorical question. However, if you have decided to take up martial arts, then some skills, technologies and useful information will not hurt you.

Those entering a verbal duel require a number of qualities and skills:

• efficiency of searching and reproducing information;
• wit, irony;
• resourcefulness, cunning, enterprise;
• ability to use logic and consistent argumentation;
• mastery of rhetoric;
• stress resistance and tolerance (tolerance);
• noise immunity.

Quite often, people, when defending their interests, behave rudely and unceremoniously, mixing the concepts of aggressive, passive-unconfident and confident behavior. The difference in these modes of behavior is that, acting confidently, a person does not insult or oppress others, respecting the rights of people as much as his own.

People who know how to properly stand up for themselves are significantly less susceptible to stress in difficult life situations and more often experience feelings of self-satisfaction and self-esteem.

People who act in an aggressive manner actually experience feelings of guilt, inferiority or self-doubt and try to mask these underlying feelings with their aggressive behavior.

The key to confident behavior is to reinforce a new pattern of attitude and behavior through regular practice.

Remember: what you say to a rude person is much less important than how you say it.

In order to successfully put boors and aggressors in their place in any situation, you must first of all clearly understand the right to the inviolability of your personality and personal life.

Manifestation of rudeness is, first of all, evidence of a person’s lack of worthy arguments.

“Jupiter, you are angry, which means you are wrong,” Prometheus once said to the angry Jupiter, who was ready to throw lightning at him, having found no other answer.

The most ineffective way to respond to a boor is to get emotional and shout all sorts of nonsense in response. Thus, you become the twin brother of this ill-mannered type and slide down to his level. And most importantly, your emotions will show that his arrows reached their target and hurt you.

But sometimes this helps relieve tension. The cost of such a drop varies depending on the situation and the environment present at that moment, as well as the delayed consequences. Sometimes it is prohibitively high.

The method of throwing negative emotions into the water helps much better. Especially when the situation is already in the past, but you still want to “wave your fists.”

Open the tap and simply scream everything that has boiled into the stream of water. At the same time, wash your face with cool water and go get positive emotions. The conflict is over. You turned out to be smarter!

Imagine this situation: you were very angry with your boss, who harshly and rudely reprimanded you for a situation that you actually had nothing to do with. After he leaves, you hit the table with your fist, break two pencils, a pen, and turn a whole stack of papers into a shapeless mass. Will these actions reduce your anger? And will they prevent you from becoming angry with your manager in similar situations in the future?

According to the well-known theory of catharsis (purification), the answer in both cases will be positive. When an angry person lets off steam through vigorous, non-harmful actions, the following things happen: first, the level of tension or arousal decreases, and second, the tendency to resort to overt aggression against provoking (or other) individuals decreases.

These assumptions go back to the works of Aristotle, who believed that contemplating a production that forces the audience to empathize with what is happening can indirectly contribute to the “purification” of feelings. Although Aristotle himself did not specifically propose this method for defusing aggressiveness, a logical continuation of his theory was proposed by many others, in particular S. Freud, who believed that the intensity of aggressive behavior can be weakened either through the expression of emotions related to aggression, or by observing the aggressive actions of others.

While recognizing the reality of such “purification,” Freud was subsequently quite pessimistic about its effectiveness in preventing overt aggression. He seems to have believed that his influence was ineffective and short-lived. Indeed, watching films or television programs with scenes of violence does not lead to a decrease in the level of aggression - on the contrary, such an experience is likely to increase the intensity of aggressive manifestations in the future.

The level of aggression does not decrease if a person takes out his anger on inanimate objects.

Remember how we like to retell myths about the basements of Japanese corporations, where supposedly employees thresh effigies of their bosses and then go to their workplace calm and happy. Giving people the opportunity to whack inflatable toys, throw darts at images of hated enemies, or smash objects into pieces does not necessarily reduce the strength of their desire to commit aggressive acts towards those who harass them.

The level of aggression does not decrease after a series of verbal attacks either - on the contrary, the findings indicate that such actions actually increase the aggression of the opponent.

The English writer John Ruskin said: “A gentle answer removes malice.”

This is also a certain technique. Only it requires sufficient hardening and endurance. To have enough patience to respond politely to malicious insults and not lose your temper not only externally, but also internally. To do this, you will need to develop considerable self-discipline.

As a last resort, you can say a calmly neutral descriptive phrase, for example: “How rude you just spoke. Communication in this form/tone does not suit me.” Sometimes this stops the offender or throws him off for a while. In any case, you will get a pause and will be able to retreat from the place of verbal battle with your head held high.

This way you will eliminate the reason for subsequent returns to the situation in memories, which happens when an unrequited insult is swallowed, with the scrolling of “victorious scenarios” in fantasy - a virtual “waving of fists” after a verbal battle.

The main thing is to maintain inner self-confidence.

The phrase Gandhi mentally said to himself would be appropriate: “They are not able to take away our self-respect unless we ourselves give it to them.” And the anecdotal evidence that we often feel better (that is, less agitated or stressed) by responding to people who annoy us is indeed justified, as some serious aggression researchers claim.

If you have time, allow the interlocutor to finish speaking without obvious aggression, listen to him carefully, correctly and analytically.

Listening carefully means perceiving the words that are spoken, without being too distracted by passing thoughts. That's right - give feedback signals showing that you understand the interlocutor (for example, by nodding). Analytically - grasp the essence of the statement, while simultaneously perceiving the information encrypted between the words. Listening is a real art.

But there are situations when the interlocutor speaks sharply negatively about you or lies. In such a delicate situation, this rule should be abandoned. Calmly interrupt the conversation the moment you notice that a lie has been told: just politely and correctly correct your interlocutor. But please be brief.

For example, during round table negotiations or speaking at the podium, you need to react immediately - if not with words, then with a negative shake of the head or gestures.

You can react to a negative statement later if it happened during a dialogue, but if a third party or audience is present, they will wait for your reaction. And lack of reaction means consent!

Don't be afraid to break rules and stereotypes if necessary. A smart person chooses tactics depending on the situation.

Questioning technique is the queen of dialectics. “He who asks, controls!” - this is how one of the leading rules of the art of conversation is formulated in the form of a slogan.

Questions are often tools of pressure to demand information, deepen the topic of conversation, motivate interlocutors, or shift the conversation from a material or technical plane to an emotional one. They also serve to demand an explanation, insist on justice, encourage the participants in the conversation or inspire them with something, demand facts or specify the statements of the interlocutor.

So remember your questioning tactics. With them you can stop the aggressor and boor. Don't be afraid to answer a question with a question. This is also a powerful tool.

The client asks:

• Why do all realtors answer a question with a question? Realtor's response:
• What do you think?

If someone tells you what to do, makes incorrect comments, tries to test your knowledge in any area, or gives you grades that you did not ask for, you can fight back in one of the following ways, described by V. Petrova.

The initial, most gentle and polite method of self-defense can be described as a “psychological barrier.” With our polite and specific comments, we can delimit our personal space, clearly making it clear to the interlocutor that he is encroaching on someone else's territory. As a rule, after the first stage of self-defense, most of the aggressors retreat.

Most often, this method is used when strangers or people we barely know express their thoughts, comments, or give us advice that we did not ask for.

Here are examples of such responses:

• Thank you for your attention, you don't have to worry about it.
• Please don't worry about our affairs, we can sort it out ourselves.
• Please don't pay so much attention...
• Please don't bother yourself...
• Sorry, but is it any of your business? Don't say, “It's none of your business,” which sounds much harsher, and also avoid saying, “It's my business,” because it draws attention to your person (directs the attention of others to you) rather than to your opponent's behavior.
• A possible option is to remind the attacker that only the court or the Lord God has the right to judge, and the aggressor has no right to give assessments to other people. The power of these words lies in the fact that every person latently understands that he himself is not ideal and does not have the moral right to dictate to others. Any critic and boor can be ridiculed for assigning them the role of a judge: “Who are the judges?”
• “On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you examining me?” - such answers are formalized, but this helps to maintain one’s own confidence by association with the power of the bureaucracy and confuses unbridled boors who often operate in vernacular. The aggressiveness of such a response is significantly muted, and it can be used even in conversations with superiors in case of strong pressure.
• “Let God judge that. Or do you want to take over his functions?” It doesn't matter who you're talking to - an atheist or a religious fanatic, it will still work. Redirecting “to God” is an effective technique, since everyone understands that by giving an assessment to another person, he is clearly exceeding his authority.

It is necessary to distinguish between rudeness and objective criticism.

All people make mistakes, and so do you. If you were criticized on the matter (for example, in your point of view you did not take into account some fact, did not notice something, made some mistake or oversight) - thank the critic, for example, with the words: “Yes, indeed, I did not take into account / took this fact into account. Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” “Thank you, I just didn’t notice that,” “I’ll think about it, thanks for the note/information.”

A whole range of techniques for fighting back against rude people is built on the principle of transferring attention from your personality to the personality of the attacker.

An example is the phrase of one of the characters in the film “Kin-dza-dza”: “Did someone tell you that you are smart, or did you decide so yourself?”

Another option for shifting attention to the rude person’s personality is to describe his actions. Any action of your interlocutor can be represented as a picture, only painted not with paints, but with your words.

A person who behaves unworthily, as a rule, does not realize that the ugliness of his behavior and the motives that force him to act in this way are clearly visible to others, or simply displaces the understanding of this. Oddly enough, it seems to the aggressor that people perceive only his words, but do not see him (do not evaluate him). Therefore, in order to confuse the enemy, you should describe his behavior in the form of a visual picture, for example: “Can you hear what you are saying?” or “Do you realize what you look like now?”

People who like to speak for others, in particular, to speak from the position of “highest values”, “standards of morality and morality”, can also be put in their place.

You should ask the person who, for example, accused you, who specifically was harmed by your actions. If not to him personally, then you are not obligated to talk to him, much less report to him. Answer: “We will talk about this with the person whose interests were affected, but not with you.”

If the aggressor claims that you are causing damage to many at once, say: “If you wish, you have the right to contact the appropriate authorities” (for example, to your superiors, to the house management, to the police, to the court, etc.). But under no circumstances get involved in a debate that you don’t need. Do not make excuses, do not report to a person who is not an official, whose responsibilities actually include a legal assessment of your actions.

You should not talk to people who insist that you are harming third parties, even if you have irrefutable evidence of your own innocence. Save this evidence in case someone in authority to whom you actually have an obligation to report gets involved.

The very fact that you began to make excuses to a stranger indicates that you have low self-confidence, you are easily made to feel guilty, and you “owe” too much to others.

No matter how self-confident and arrogant a boor may seem to you, remember that there are people in the world with whom he is afraid to talk the way he talks to you.

Also, a rude person would not dare to behave in such a way if the situation was seen by people whom he fears or whose opinion he values. You can appeal to them: “Why don’t you repeat the same thing to so-and-so (name of this person’s boss, a relative whom he respects or fears, etc.)?”, “You don’t talk like that at work! »

Another option is to refer to virtual witnesses: “What do you think a well-mannered person would do in your place?” (you can name a specific person whom the aggressor respects), “Why do you think other people don’t do this?”

If a person who is on duty behaves unworthily, you can comment on his behavior with the wish that his words be heard by a person who is honored by representatives of this profession.

Once a teacher called a student a swear word. He was not taken aback and said: “Let Makarenko and Sukhomlinsky hear you.”

The so-called method of Milton Erickson (a famous hypnopsychotherapist), who used metaphors and stories that contained a hint or example of the behavior of the person for whom the story was intended, was very effective.

Metaphor is a type of indirect suggestion. This word consists of two Greek roots: meta - “through” and fore - “to carry”. That is, metaphor is a means of transfer. What does the metaphor convey? It transfers meanings bypassing conscious controls and barriers.

For example, here's a story about how not everything is as rude as it seems.

One day a wanderer stopped an old man walking to find out how far it was to the city.

“Go,” he answered monosyllabically. The puzzled wanderer continued on his way, reflecting on the rudeness of the local residents. But he had not walked even fifty steps when he heard:

Wait! The old man stood on the road and shouted to the traveler:

You're still an hour away from the city.

Why didn't you answer right away? - exclaimed the wanderer.

“I had to see what steps you were taking,” the old man explained.

Or a story about jumping to conclusions.

A knight walked through the desert. His journey was long. On the way, he lost his horse, helmet and armor. Only the sword remained. The knight was hungry and thirsty. Suddenly in the distance he saw a lake. The knight gathered all his remaining strength and went to the water. But right next to the lake sat a three-headed dragon.

The knight pulled out his sword and with his last strength began to fight the monster. He fought for days, then he fought for two days. He cut off two dragon heads. On the third day the dragon fell exhausted. An exhausted knight fell nearby, no longer able to stand on his feet or hold his sword.

And then, with the last of his strength, the dragon asked:

• Knight, what did you want?
• Drink some water.
• Well, I would drink it...

And finally, remember the enchanting film “Formula of Love” and the doctor’s calm rebuke to the rogue Cagliostro using illustrative examples from life:

Yes, yes,” Cagliostro agreed. - So many fables have been made up about me that I get tired of refusing them. Meanwhile, my biography is simple and common for people holding the title of master... Let's start with childhood. I was born in Mesopotamia, not far from the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, two thousand one hundred and twenty-five years ago... - Cagliostro looked around those gathered, as if giving them the opportunity to realize what they had heard. - You are probably amazed at such an ancient date of my birth?

No, it’s not amazing,” the doctor said calmly. - We had a clerk in the district, in the patchports, where the year of birth was, he only indicated one number. Ink, the scoundrel, you see, saved. Then the matter became clear, he was sent to prison, and the patch port was no longer remade. Still a document.

© Kovpak D.V. The wrong ones were attacked! or How to deal with rudeness? - M.: Peter, 2012
© Published with permission from the publisher

Quite a lot of people experience aggression from colleagues at work. Not everyone has the patience and strength to resist this, so such situations often end in voluntary dismissal and nervous breakdowns. How to resist situations that are set up by colleagues and eliminate aggression on their part?

Hostility from colleagues can arise for several reasons:

• remove them from their positions for which they may apply personally or for close people;
• envy;
• anger at the person who was more successful than himself;
• personal hostility or resentment;
• a way to vent anger.

For “undesirable” colleagues, there are a lot of trainings on the Internet that teach how to do this correctly and effectively. But for every poison there is always an antidote. Leaving everything to chance is highly discouraged - this can negatively affect the quality of the work performed and your own health.

1. Eliminate aggression using printed communication

If one of the employees begins to show aggression, switches to “you” while communicating with the rest on “you”, constant ridicule and barbs are heard from him. Then it is necessary to switch to printed communication as much as possible. That is, limit yourself to business correspondence via email, memos or internal chats.

This action will significantly reduce face-to-face meetings. This is also a great way to record an insult or injustice against you. After all, it is very difficult to prove this fact if it was oral. If the work does not involve a computer, then record the insult on a voice recorder or video.

2. Don’t remain silent when a colleague is showing aggression

After another aggression on the part of a colleague, you need to go to your superiors with a complaint and proof; you should not be afraid of this, but on the contrary, motivate by the fact that this person’s actions interfere with normal work. Quite often, the process of bullying is delayed only because the “victim” is afraid to talk about it, believing that this is his personal problem and he must deal with it on his own.

But sometimes it happens that the manager himself is aggressive towards his subordinates and, at every opportunity, tries to show his superiority by insulting employees. In this case, there are only two ways: quit or show your “character”, that is, that they are not afraid of him at all.

Every businessman knows how to count money and understands well how much money it will cost him if a subordinate turns to special authorities with a complaint against his manager. And this will affect not only material costs, but also the company’s reputation, because inspections and legal proceedings will begin. Few people want to get involved in this.

3. In any case, remain calm and polite

The main task of the aggressor is to unbalance a person so that he, out of emotion, does impulsive and rash actions, which he will later regret. In this state, a person makes many mistakes not only in work, but also in life. By bringing his “victim” into such a state, he takes pleasure, like a vampire, enjoying every moment.

There is no need to be provocative and hurl curses in response. You need to fight back politely, clearly and calmly. This behavior often drives the offender into a stupor.

4. Don't take insults personally

You can't allow yourself to show your emotions in his presence. Although indifference can infuriate him even more, so it is possible that the aggression will become completely unbearable, then you need to urgently switch and look at the offender as if through a transparent wall. And don’t take everything he says seriously, remember that he does this for only one purpose - to throw you off balance.

5. Stop the offender

Quite often, people show loyalty to their offender, finding excuses for his actions, for example:

• he shouted because he was emotional, he himself had just “gotten it”;
• A lot of things have piled on him and that’s why his nerves can’t stand it;
• I approached him at the wrong time.

Under no circumstances should you blame yourself for someone else's nervous disorders. If such aggression is not stopped at the very beginning, then it will be repeated again and again, only with a vengeance. In the future, the aggressor will know on whom he can take out his evil without consequences. Therefore, it is necessary to immediately, politely but decisively, make it clear to the offender that he will not get away with such antics. From now on, he will think about whether it’s worth getting involved? It’s easier for him to find a weaker “victim”.

It should be remembered that work is not the basis of human life, and if being in it is unbearable and you can’t fix it, then you need to quit! Leaving there despite the mortgage, crisis or shortage of vacancies in the labor market.

After all, finding a new job is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance, the main thing is to put effort into it. But it is very difficult to restore health. Nervous disorders are practically untreatable, and they greatly affect a person’s appearance.

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