If you are free in a relationship, then you do not condition your behavior on how your partner will react to it. For example, you allow yourself to be angry and express anger because that’s what you want, and don’t stop yourself because a loved one is offended by it.
But here you need to understand one rule:
If you do not limit yourself to responsibilities and rules with other people, then the psyche begins to compensate by the appearance of an internal structure (that is, internal rules and restrictions of a neurotic nature will begin to appear). Therefore, to preserve yourself, it is important to build your own internal structure, your own rules and restrictions, and not those of others (social or parental).
For example: “I can express and do something contrary to the prohibitions of relatives or people around me, but at the same time clearly understand why I am doing it, what values I am defending and what goals I am pursuing, taking into account my own responsibility and the consequences of my actions. Then I am truly free."
Thus:
If you are free in a relationship with another person, you can behave with him in accordance with your needs and desires. If you are a psychopath, then that's all. If not, and the relationship with another is important to you, then you listen to his desires and needs. And you can satisfy them (if it is in your power), or you can not satisfy them. The feeling of freedom for you is having a choice and the strength to implement it.
What else is important for gaining inner freedom?
Cost of an hour of consultation with a psychologist
First of all it is required mobility and flexibility. You can cling to your rules and principles, and hold on to them even when they have lost all relevance and are causing harm. Then we can talk about internal lack of freedom, turning oneself into a slave of principles, which ignores the meaning inherent in previously adopted rules. Principle for the sake of principle, fixed idea. Provided that internal beliefs and principles cannot effectively resolve life's difficulties, an internal conflict inevitably arises, to which the brain reacts with various symptoms: from diseases to mental illness.
The second thing that is important for inner freedom it is the presence of alternatives and associated prospects.
Here are some examples:
- The adult son had been trying all his life to get love and recognition from his cold, rejecting mother, and he had no other alternatives - until he thought about the fact that it was apparently impossible to achieve this love... ;
- A woman, obsessed with order and tired of the eternal struggle for “cleanliness” with her family, began to gain freedom the moment she thought about the question of whether there was any alternative to a scrubbed apartment;
- The husband, who did not even allow the thought of getting a divorce and felt himself in real bondage, began to breathe differently when he allowed himself to think about divorce and realized (with his whole being!) its possibility. There was no need to get a divorce...
Awareness of the existence of alternatives is the beginning of freedom. If there are no alternatives, there is no freedom and no prospects. But this is only the beginning, since you still need to be able to take advantage of the alternative.
Awareness " I want and can do it differently!“comes along with the fact that when you start doing something differently, then you gain strength for something else. You don't have to do everything differently, just having a clear vision of other options and knowing that you can take advantage of them is enough to feel freedom and change in your relationships with people and social institutions.
Otherwise everything remains “just in your head”, but breathing will not become easier. And these " you are not capable of anything», « it's all useless», « there's no point in trying», « nothing can change anyway"and so on are beneficial only to those who are already satisfied with what they live in. And this is no joke. But then there is nothing to complain about.
Third component is non-attachment or the desire for it. We ourselves are deprived of freedom when another person has something that we need. It could be something concretely material, or it could be something else - for example, or recognition from this particular person. In this case, you personally “give” gains power over you.
Exit- start learning " finish building» yourself to another person on whom you are dependent. Learn to get what he has, but in his own ways. And if he wants, he will give you what you need. If he wants...
Finally so that you know exactly when you are depriving yourself of freedom:
- You deprive yourself of freedom when you do not come up with a conscious alternative (choice).
- You deprive yourself of freedom when you do everything to deprive yourself of the strength/energy to pursue alternatives. And this is exactly: you make scandals, cry, take pills, blame yourself, think negatively, etc.
- You deprive yourself of freedom when you create a fixed idea that you are obsessed with.
- You deprive yourself of freedom when another person has what you want to get from him at any cost.
Despite the fact that the topic of freedom seems so attractive, most people prefer to run away from it like hell (this is a famous phenomenon described by Erich Fromm in his book “Flight from Freedom”). At the same time, some sincerely lie to themselves that they are actually free, that they can do whatever they want, without noticing or not wanting to notice that the scope of their freedom is reliably and strictly limited by the norms of education, bourgeois or intellectual morality, parental attitudes, and behavioral stereotypes.
As Goethe said on this matter, " greatest slavery- not having freedom, consider yourself free"(“Selective Affinity”). In this they resemble alcoholics who, drinking a glass of wine every evening, sincerely believe that they are not slaves to alcohol, but are just “cultured drinkers.”
The first step to freedom
As with any illness, where the path to recovery begins with the recognition of the very fact that you, friend, are sick, the path to gaining inner freedom begins with the realization that you are, in fact, a slave. First of all, a slave of the ways of thinking “installed” into your unconscious during education and socialization, worldviews, rules of behavior, decision-making criteria, etc., etc., that are inadequate to reality.
As a result, many things that a person would like or could do and that would bring him new opportunities, new resources, pleasure in life, happiness, comfort and mental well-being, he does not do, because “it is indecent”, “shameful”, “normal people don’t do that” and other “stoppers”. As a result, he lives a relatively well-fed and safe life, deceiving himself every single day that everything is, in general, not bad for him, that he lives, in principle, no worse than others.
"The unfortunate fate of many people is the result of the choice they did not make. They are neither alive nor dead. Life turns out to be a burden, a pointless pursuit, and deeds are only a means of protection from the torment of existence in the kingdom of shadows."
Erich Fromm.
Recognizing oneself as a slave is unpleasant, uncomfortable, painful for pride, but without this one cannot gain inner freedom. You can lay clean, fresh parquet on a holey, rotten floor, and for a while everything will be fine, for a while the illusion of “repair” will work. But one day the floor will collapse along with the parquet and the unlucky poor fellow who laid it.
Methodically squeeze out the slave drop by drop
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, in a letter to his colleague Alexei Suvorin, advised:
“Write a story about how a young man, the son of a serf, a former shopkeeper, a choirboy, a high school student and a student, brought up on honoring rank, kissing priests’ hands, worshiping other people’s thoughts, thanked for every piece of bread, was flogged many times, went to class without Galosh, who fought, tormented animals, loved to dine with rich relatives, was a hypocrite to both God and people without any need, only out of consciousness of his insignificance - write how this young man squeezes out a slave drop by drop, and how he, waking up one fine morning, feels that it is no longer slave blood flowing in his veins, but real human blood...”
Suvorin did not write the story, but the phrase became a catchphrase.
It is precisely squeezing slaves out of oneself drop by drop that is the only possible, reliable and effective strategy for gaining inner freedom. This process is not very pleasant, painful, since you have to tear out from the flesh of your consciousness the slavish attitudes and ideas about life that have firmly sprouted there. This is definitely not a comfortable walk along the seashore (as many imagine the process of personal growth).
Well, it’s generally clear what exactly to do. And now, please, how exactly to “squeeze the slave out of yourself,” how to increase the level of inner freedom in yourself? Perhaps this is the question that interests the reader most of all. And perhaps I will disappoint him by saying that how - this, in fact, is the whole process of methodical and consistent (but unlike technical instructions) personal growth, regular work to squeeze out various kinds of blockages from your psyche. Yes, there are special techniques for this, but it’s not about the techniques, it’s about intention and self-discipline. What good is a pistol if at the right moment there is no internal readiness to pull the trigger to shoot?
On the way to freedom
The main obstacle on the path to freedom is not outside, but inside. This concentrated expression of all the restrictions imposed by society on an individual can be called an internal controller or supervisor. You can consider it a “program”, an aspect, a subpersonality, an inner voice, a Freudian Super-Ego - the name is not important. It is important to understand its function. And it is very simple - not to let you go beyond what is permitted by the prevailing system of ideas about life in society (morality, culture, historical and ideological mythologies, etc.).
The overseer points out what to think and what not to do, because it is “indecent”, “shameful”, “shameful”, “inconvenient”, “not good”, “wrong”, “bad” and so on and so forth. . Since you are not aware of the fact that your behavior is controlled by an overseer, it seems that it is all you think and do, that it is your choice. But that's not true.
Path to freedom- this is the way to weaken the overseer. It is impossible to defeat him, and it is not necessary, since such a victory means a final break with society, and therefore a refusal of self-realization, because self-realization involves active participation in society, promoting its change and development. The desire for absolute freedom, in essence, is a fiction, unattainable within the framework of an individual human life.
And in order to weaken the taskmaster, you need to be strong. Strong in your spirit. Become aware of and control your aspirations, desires and other motivations. This is again the path of working on oneself, the path of serious, adult personal growth.
Surrounded by slaves
Many researchers have noticed that, despite all the progress in social relations, people did not become freer because of it. The reason here is that freedom also has a downside - you have to be responsible for it. Before yourself. Since all your decisions have consequences, and the consequences tend to affect you most directly, before you take any serious step, you need to think carefully and weigh the risks. It’s easier for a person who is not free - others make decisions for him. And even though he still feels the consequences on his own skin, the responsibility for this can always be shifted onto others - they say, “it’s their fault.” This makes your soul feel more comfortable.
Therefore, most people are internally slaves. This makes it easier and simpler for them. These slaves, like dogs tamed by humans, can be different. Well-fed slaves, hungry and dissatisfied slaves, well-groomed slaves, well-fed slaves, idle slaves, chain slaves, pitiful slaves in their insignificance, slaves in the “grain place”, retired slaves and so on. But one cannot despise them for this; only weak and vile people mock the unfortunate.
Therefore, we need the understanding that everyone around us is slaves, first of all, to understand one simple, but seemingly terrifying thought (from the point of view of the internal “overseer”). This idea is as follows: the opinion of others is always the opinion of slaves, and the value of the opinion of slaves is equivalent to the value of a dog barking at a passing caravan. In other words, the quality of an internally free person is a complete disregard for the opinions of others. Agree, the idea is seditious. But there is no other way.
Inner freedom is the basis of successful self-realization
Obviously, the fewer boundaries there are within a person, the more successful he is in his actions, since he is able to do such things and solve problems in such ways that an ordinary person cannot even think about, since they are beyond his slave worldview.
For example, it did not occur to people with a slavish worldview that medicine could be extracted from mold (the invention of penicillin by Fleming), because mold is “poop”, delving into it is “indecent”, it is somehow inconvenient when asked by others - “what are you doing?” ?" - answer “I’m digging in the mold.” It's not solid somehow.
If we imagine this in the form of a metaphor, then a free person climbs a tree (that is, engages in personal growth) and from there surveys life in all its breadth and splendor, understands what’s what, where, where, where and why. While an internally unfree person with a slave morality tramples around, because climbing up is scary and requires effort, if only without any difficulty! And immediately at the top. And the unfree one sees only bushes, trunks, windbreaks and the darkness of the forest. And so he lives his life in ignorance and according to other people’s rules, without realizing his potential. I feel sorry for him.
Therefore, for those who want to build their life themselves, according to their own canons, according to their own developed, hard-won, worldview based on real facts. Who wants to live their life happily, fully, doing what they want, to realize their life purpose, building his relationship with the world in a way that suits him. For such people, the question of gaining inner freedom is a matter of a breath of oxygen. Without any "either-or".
Despite the fact that the topic of freedom seems so attractive, most people prefer to run away from it like hell (this is a famous phenomenon described by Erich Fromm in his book “Flight from Freedom”). At the same time, some sincerely lie to themselves that they are actually free, that they can do whatever they want, without noticing or not wanting to notice that the scope of their freedom is reliably and strictly limited by the norms of education, bourgeois or intellectual morality, parental attitudes, and behavioral stereotypes.
As Goethe spoke about this « greatest slavery- not having freedom, consider yourself free"(“Selective Affinity”). In this they resemble alcoholics who, drinking a “chekushka” every evening, sincerely believe that they are not slaves to alcohol, but are just “culturally drinking.”
The first step to freedom
As with any illness, where the path to recovery begins with the recognition of the very fact that you, friend, are sick, the path to gaining inner freedom begins with the realization that you are, in fact, a slave. First of all, a slave of the ways of thinking “installed” into your unconscious during education and socialization, worldviews, rules of behavior, decision-making criteria, etc., that are inadequate to reality. etc.
As a result, many things that a person would like or could do and that would bring him new opportunities, new resources, pleasure in life, happiness, comfort and mental well-being, he does not do because “it’s indecent”, “shameful”, “so normal people don’t do this” and other “stoppers”. As a result, he lives a relatively well-fed and safe life, deceiving himself every single day that everything is, in general, not bad for him, that he lives, in principle, no worse than others.
The unfortunate fate of many people is a consequence of the choice they did not make. They are neither alive nor dead. Life turns out to be a burden, a pointless pursuit, and deeds are only a means of protection from the torments of existence in the kingdom of shadows
Erich Fromm
Recognizing oneself as a slave is unpleasant, uncomfortable, painful for pride, but without this one cannot gain inner freedom. You can lay clean, fresh parquet on a holey, rotten floor and for a while everything will be fine, for a while the illusion of “repair” will work. But one day the floor will collapse along with the parquet and the unlucky poor fellow who laid it.
Methodically squeeze out the slave drop by drop
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, in a letter to his colleague Alexei Suvorin, advised:
Write a story about how a young man, the son of a serf, a former shopkeeper, choirboy, high school student and student, brought up on honoring rank, kissing priests' hands, worshiping other people's thoughts, thanked for every piece of bread, was flogged many times, went to class without galoshes who fought, tormented animals, loved to dine with rich relatives, was a hypocrite to both God and people without any need, only out of consciousness of his insignificance - write how this young man squeezes out a slave drop by drop and how he, waking up one fine morning, feels that it is no longer slave blood that flows in his veins, but real human blood...
Suvorin did not write the story, but the phrase became a catchphrase.
It is precisely squeezing slaves out of oneself drop by drop that is the only possible, reliable and effective strategy for gaining inner freedom. This process is not very pleasant, painful, since you have to tear out from the flesh of your consciousness the slavish attitudes and ideas about life that have firmly sprouted there. This is definitely not a comfortable walk along the seashore (as many imagine the process of personal growth).
Well, WHAT exactly to do is generally clear. And now, please, HOW exactly to “squeeze the slave out of yourself,” HOW to increase the level of internal freedom in yourself? Perhaps this is the question that interests the reader most of all. And perhaps I will disappoint him by saying that HOW is, in fact, the whole process of methodical and consistent (but unlike technical instructions) personal growth, regular work on squeezing out various kinds of blockages from your psyche. Yes, there are special techniques for this (access to them can be obtained, for example, within the framework of the School [of systemic development]), but the point is not in the techniques, but in intention and self-discipline. What good is a pistol if at the right moment there is no internal readiness to pull the trigger to shoot?
On the way to freedom
The main obstacle on the path to freedom is not outside, but inside. This concentrated expression of all the restrictions imposed by society on an individual can be called an internal controller or overseer. You can consider it a “program”, an aspect, a subpersonality, an inner voice, a Freudian Super-Ego - the name does not matter. It is important to understand its function. And it is very simple - do not let you go beyond what is permitted by the prevailing system of ideas about life in society (morality, culture, historical and ideological mythologies, etc.).
The overseer points out what to think and what not to do, because it is “indecent”, “shameful”, “shameful”, “inconvenient”, “not good”, “wrong”, “bad” and so on and so forth. Since you are not aware of the fact that your behavior is controlled by an overseer, it seems that you think and do everything, that it is your choice. But that's not true.
Path to freedom- this is the way to weaken the overseer. It is impossible to defeat him, and it is unnecessary, since such a victory means a final break with society, and therefore a refusal of self-realization, because self-realization presupposes active activity in society, promoting its change and development. The desire for absolute freedom is essentially a fiction, unattainable within the framework of an individual human life.
And in order to weaken the overseer you need to be strong. Strong in your spirit. Become aware of and control your aspirations, desires and other motivations. This is again the path of working on oneself, the path of serious, adult personal growth.
Surrounded by slaves
Many researchers have noticed that despite all the progress in social relations, people did not become freer. The reason here is that freedom also has a downside - you have to be responsible for it. Before yourself. Since all your decisions have consequences, and the consequences tend to affect you most directly, before taking any serious step you need to think carefully and weigh the risks. It’s easier for a person who is not free – others make decisions for him. And even though he still feels the consequences on his own skin, the responsibility for this can always be shifted onto others - they say, “it’s their fault.” This makes your soul feel more comfortable.
Therefore, most people are internally slaves. This makes it easier and simpler for them. These slaves, like dogs tamed by humans, can be different. Well-fed slaves, hungry and dissatisfied slaves, well-groomed slaves, well-fed slaves, idle slaves, chain slaves, pitiful slaves in their insignificance, slaves in the “grain place”, retired slaves and so on. But one cannot despise them for this; only weak and vile people mock the unfortunate.
Therefore, we need the understanding that everyone around us is slaves, first of all, to understand one simple, but seemingly terrifying thought (from the point of view of the internal “overseer”). This idea is as follows: the opinion of others is ALWAYS the opinion of slaves, and the value of the opinion of slaves is equivalent to the value of a dog barking at a passing caravan. In other words, the quality of an internally free person is a complete disregard for the opinions of others. Agree, the idea is seditious. But there is no other way.
Inner freedom is the basis for successful self-realization
Obviously, the fewer boundaries there are within a person, the more successful he is in his actions, since he is able to do such things and solve problems in such ways that an ordinary person cannot even think about, since they are beyond his slave worldview.
For example, it did not occur to people with a slavish worldview that medicine could be extracted from mold (the invention of penicillin by Fleming), because mold is “poop”, digging into it is “indecent”, it is somehow inconvenient to answer the question of others “what are you doing?” » answer “I’m digging in the mold.” It's not solid somehow.
If we imagine this in the form of a metaphor, then a free person climbs a tree (that is, engages in personal growth) and from there surveys life in all its breadth and splendor, understands what’s what, where, where, where and why. While an internally unfree person with a slave morality tramples around, because climbing up is scary and requires effort, if only without any difficulty! and immediately at the top. And the unfree one sees only bushes, trunks, windbreaks, and the darkness of the forest. And so he lives his life in ignorance and according to other people’s rules, without realizing his potential. I feel sorry for him.
Therefore, for those who want to build their life themselves, according to their own canons, according to their own developed, hard-won, worldview based on real facts. Who wants to live their life happily, fully, doing what they want, to realize their life purpose, building their relationship with the world in a way that is convenient for them. For such people, the question of gaining inner freedom is a matter of a breath of oxygen. Without any “either/or”.
P.S. Specific tactical issues of gaining inner freedom will be discussed at the online seminar. Hurry up to register.
Once again, when you open your eyes, out of habit you scroll through everything that is planned for the day. And every time there are more and more bright and pleasant moments that you look forward to. This, perhaps, is freedom - to do exactly what you like...
I remember the moments when I was just starting to engage in self-development and I didn’t even have plans to open my own blog in my thoughts, I didn’t even think about the issues of freedom, happiness and good nature. Perhaps that is why they should be separated from each other.
Most often, business people who are accustomed to competition and understand that without it it is impossible to stay on the pedestal come to questions of constant self-improvement. They are looking for opportunities to increase their time, achieve goals, and improve the quality of their own productivity. This is commendable, but...
Many of them forget about the other side of self-development – the development of the soul. We are accustomed to constantly training our brain (consider education) and body, but it is not customary to think about our own soul and taste for life. I won't say what this leads to. My readers are so smart that they are able to imagine the tragedy of spiritual emptiness with tangible physical success.
However, developing the soul is the most difficult and lengthy task. There are also no boundaries here, but there is something more. Although... today I wanted to talk about how to find inner freedom. Although this post complements the topic of spiritual development, it still does not reveal its entire essence. Therefore, if you do not want to miss material on this topic, I advise you to subscribe to blog updates.
So how to find freedom? What needs to be done to ensure that every day brings only satisfaction, and does not represent a series of tasks that suck out vitality? We'll talk about this below.
How to find inner freedom
Each person has his own answer to the question of how to find inner freedom. I’ll tell you what principle I adhere to. I'm not saying that it is the only true one or that it can even work for other people. I just want you to understand the very essence of inner freedom and at least try to get closer to it.
Essentially, I understand it this way: you just do what you are passionate about, while experiencing real pleasure in life. Surely this is difficult to understand, since we are convinced of our beliefs, and I am not particularly good at putting words into sentences.
It’s just that we often copy other people’s beliefs or they are simply imposed on us. At the same time, we can be firmly confident in the absolute authenticity of our views. But that's not true. You only need to try the actions that resonate in your heart once, and you will forever learn to distinguish them from hundreds of others. It’s impossible to describe (at least to me), all you have to do is try it.
I have formulated a short and simple rule. I have noticed more than once that it is simple principles and practices that bring the greatest results. So: in order to gain inner freedom, you must constantly get rid of false beliefs, actions, prejudices and reveal your own.
Let's say. In the team you are considered a beautiful person. You are constantly told about your beauty. You are often compared to other beautiful people. Therefore, you are completely convinced that you are truly beautiful. But one fine day you attend a beauty contest and realize that compared to them, you are mediocre. These will already be your beliefs.
Reverse example. In the team you are considered incapable. The boss constantly tells you that you are dragging the company down. Other employees don't value you and think you're just a nuisance. Of course you will think the same. But in practice, it may turn out that you are a talented and capable person.
But these are raw examples. In fact, in life everything is much more complicated and it is often impossible to distinguish your beliefs from others. Let's talk about a more practical topic...
I have noticed that it is much easier to achieve inner freedom if you apply this rule to real actions. That is, for the things that we constantly do.
I worked as a copywriter for a long time. It was hard at first, but soon I managed to reach a fairly good level of income. At the same time, I really didn't like this job. It gave me some financial freedom, but it took all my energy and was very annoying. I didn't like writing articles on topics that didn't interest me.
The solution turned out to be quite simple: abandon this practice. And you know, I have never regretted it.
You need to gradually give up things that bring nothing but devastation and concentrate on what you really like. Then you can always choose what you really want.
This practice can bring you tangible results in other areas. For example, if you give up routine tasks that are of no practical use, you will be able to save more time. In addition, you will have more strength to concentrate on a specific task where you can achieve incredible results.
This is a very long and slow process. The result cannot be felt in a month or two. I had my first feeling of complete freedom of action after about a year. But I still understand that this is just the beginning of the journey. But this path is worth it.
Practical part
Find a goal, a task, or just something that brings you only mental devastation. Try to gradually give it up. This can be done in parts (for example, every other day) or gradually (reducing the duration by a short period every day). At the same time, start doing something you really enjoy. For example, you can avoid daily traffic jams in favor of walking or cycling. The simplest option, in my opinion, is to experience the beauty of this method.
Try other areas of activity. Perhaps among them there will be something that you really have a passion for. For example, I recently realized that I really enjoy drawing. Now, instead of reading blogs, I spend more time drawing. Something like that.
Well, that's it. If you have any questions, write in the comments. And don't forget to subscribe to blog updates. Bye!
