People who consciously chose solitude. Loneliness: a conscious choice

Loneliness is often a conscious choice of many people. Loneliness scares some people, but for others it is a natural state. What motivates people to choose loneliness? There are at least 5 reasons for this.

The most common reasons for loneliness are:

1. Betrayal

Every person has encountered betrayal at least once in their life. After the incident, a reassessment of trust and relationships begins. A person becomes more selective in order to avoid a repetition of this unpleasant situation in the future. Some people really succeed, but others step on the same rake over and over again.

2. Unconventional thinking and lack of like-minded people

There are always people whose way of living and thinking is different from most other people. As a rule, such people become black sheep; few people understand and support them; they often run into a wall of misunderstanding, and sometimes even manifestations of aggression. The crowd does not like upstarts, people whose views are radically different from generally accepted standards. Such “non-standard” people, as a rule, lead a lonely, solitary lifestyle.

3. Childhood

Many experts in the field of psychology argue that most of the problems that adults face begin in childhood, since during this period the child remembers the maximum information. His brain and perception work like a sponge, so all negative situations can affect his future life. Some of the most painful memories are ridicule, insults and humiliation. A child who has experienced similar situations as an adult strives to avoid repeating a similar situation at all costs.

4. Bad relationship experience

Parting with your other half is also a rather painful event for any person. The consequences of such an experience can be completely different, so it is almost impossible to predict developments in advance. If the emotional shock was extremely painful, it may lead to a refusal to start any new relationships in the future. Their motto is - it's better to be alone than with just anyone.

5. Spiritual development

Having embarked on the path of spiritual development, many people note that they are no longer interested in the former “joys” - going to clubs, drinking with friends, noisy companies, etc. More and more I want solitude, peace, communication with Nature and with my inner “I”. Loneliness is neither scary nor happy, it is simply an opportunity to be alone with yourself, to meditate, reflect, contemplate and create.

Loneliness is a scary word. However, in our world there are those who choose it consciously. What's behind this?

Injury. If it were possible to rank the reasons why a person chooses to be alone, then I would put cruel life lessons and serious traumas first. For which pain, fear and disappointment invariably come, sometimes paralyzing any ability to change and act. A person may seem like a “principled bachelor” and a recluse, but most likely he was once in love. Sometimes it happens that the first experience of sincere, trusting love stumbles upon pragmatism, cruelty and betrayal. The sooner this happened, the more difficult it is to overcome the trauma. Because a young and open person still believes too much in everything, is too inclined to create illusions, his need for feelings is too strong and he knows the world too little. Such experiences are not necessarily associated with falling in love. This could be any kind of emotional trauma inflicted by parents. Let's say the mother spoke unflatteringly and rudely about some important, emotionally significant person or event for the child. Sometimes the same trauma can be caused by a parent’s scream or an attempt to hit. It all depends on the child’s subtlety of perception, which it is advisable to pay close attention to from early childhood.

What happened seems insurmountable to the small, young person, impossible to comprehend and move forward. Sometimes awareness and living of the trauma do not occur; it is simply repressed. Which is both bad and good. On the one hand, the repressed trauma will no longer create unbearable torment for the person; repression is a kind of natural defense mechanism. On the other hand, the structure of repression is such that this mechanism of the psyche completely excludes further human development in this area. When repressed, people often don’t even remember what happened to them. If a guy loved a girl, and she humiliated him, only a trace of some “unpleasant story” and a dry residue of the conclusion that “it’s better not to mess with them at all” may remain in his memory. If a child opened up to his mother, and she could be rude in response, something like a sign with the inscription “it’s better not to come close to people” will remain in the memory. This kind of conviction borders on phobias, which also often have a repression mechanism at their core.

We must understand very well that in trying to bring a person out of such a stupor, we will have to force him to relive the trauma again. This is inevitable when using any psychological technique. And therefore, if you are not sure that a person has matured enough, that his psyche has strengthened, there is no point in persistently pushing him to take this step. When people feel the ability to change something and live through the trauma again (and since the subconscious knows everything, it can in one way or another make it clear to the conscious mind that it is ready to go through this experience) - people find the strength to turn to a specialist. And if they themselves, following the hidden signal of the subconscious, choose to change, the work of the psychologist, as a rule, ends successfully. If they are dragged to a specialist by the collar, then in most cases the work does not go well, the subconscious continues to resist, and the problem is not solved. A particularly bad option in such cases is to try to “break through the shell” using artisanal methods. That is, simply putting pressure on a person, pushing him to self-disclosure and communication. This can cause a very harsh protest, and in this case there is a high probability that the one who “gets into the soul” will already be injured. Because a traumatized person will try to protect himself with all his might from an uninvited invasion. In social life, such people are not always successful. They can sometimes be so focused on their work that they often achieve a lot. Another thing is that it is difficult to establish close, friendly relationships with them. But this is not always necessary. Just like the person himself, who understands that there is a serious obstacle to self-disclosure, does not always need to try to correct himself. Rather, first of all, learn to respect your personality structure. And make it clear to others that if boundaries are respected, he can be a serious support in his work. Respect for yourself and your injuries is the basis for the problem to be solved sooner or later.

Introversion and self-discovery. It also happens that conscious loneliness is temporary, but on occasion it can develop into permanent. How does this happen? There is such a natural tendency - introversion. It means that a person, as a rule, experiences a lot within himself, he does not need constant stimulation by external impulses, he is not as interested in the external world as he is in his own internal one. The latter can be very rich for an introvert. But we all came from ordinary Soviet (later Russian) schools, where every day we were forced to communicate with a large number of children. For an introvert, this is violence. This is several times greater than his natural need for communication, and even the irritation from forced contact creates extreme fatigue, developing into a strong need to “shut off” from the world. In addition, any thinking person goes through the stage of searching for himself, his place in the world, his niche. And if this is combined with introversion, the stage of conscious loneliness is almost inevitable. But under constant pressure and attempts to “break through” to him from the outside, such a person will put up a barrier for a long time, if not forever. The conditions of modern megacities only aggravate the matter - imposed, forced communication with a large number of people often creates in introverts a final attitude towards extreme distance from any communication. In any group, such a person quickly gets tired of talking about “nothing”, of attempts to show interest in his personal life and interests, of the constant provocations of others with the goal of “probing” him and finding out his guidelines. He is only interested in rare people, he does not want to clog his brain with unnecessary information, he does not experience pleasure from communicating “just like that.”

“Breaking through” - this tactic is rarely appropriate. You need to find an approach to such a person, if you decide to find him. And this must be done carefully. You need to understand and be able to accept the fact that you yourself may not be interesting to him at the initial stage. And there is nothing humiliating about this for you personally. He just didn’t see the meaningful side of you – that’s all. Leave all “empty” conversations and small talk, try to talk to him only to the point and to the point. And let yourself be examined calmly. Take your time, don't force yourself. And if you are truly not poor internally, sooner or later he will notice you. When such a child grows up in a family, remember that if you leave him alone in time, give him to himself, after some time he will develop his own principles of life, find his niche, and decide on his status. Here, the help of a specialist is often not needed as such, except for those moments when a person is told that he should be different. And then he begins to experience a feeling of inferiority. But everyone is different. Self-absorption has its positive sides - such people often think very creatively, can invent something new, extraordinary, and in their personal lives they often become faithful and devoted partners. Although it also happens that deep introverts remain lonely if they do not meet a person who can understand them. After all, the rule “you’d better be alone than with just anyone” is effective for them. As a rule, they do not suffer from loneliness - creative ideas are born within them, life is in full swing and it can completely satisfy them. However, in society it is more difficult for them than for simply traumatized people, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. A traumatized person may focus on achieving social status as part of compensation for the trauma, but introverts are rarely socially eager. All they want is not to be touched or pulled. They often choose creative professions and flexible working hours, which is not always understood by relatives and employers. Sometimes they begin to “adapt” intensively. If you notice similar qualities in yourself, do not rush to allow yourself to be remade to fit the currently fashionable standard of “outgoing and energetic.” You still won’t become different, although you can learn to play a role. But constant play is very tiring. It is much easier to accept yourself as you are and try to find a comfortable niche in this world. It's not that unrealistic. Freelancing is becoming increasingly popular; due to large distances, many employers in large cities have become more tolerant of flexible working hours. And you have something to offer the world - your creative thinking, high degree of concentration, ability to find non-standard solutions, independence of assessments and judgments. Not so little!

Selfishness and pragmatism. In modern society you often meet people who simply “don’t want problems.” Their logic is this: why build a life together with someone if you have to adapt, tolerate someone’s shortcomings, and sometimes carry the burden of financial responsibility for someone else? Why raise children who may never repay their parents, but can create a lot of problems? Summarizing the life experiences of previous generations, some people conclude that it is not worth getting close to anyone just because it is a problem. This applies to love and friendship. After all, both are responsibility, and these people don’t want responsibility. They usually consider their own benefit from the relationship to be not commensurate with the moral and material costs to the other. That is, according to their calculations, if they have responsibility, they will spend more than they receive. And this is not included in their plans. What’s interesting is that among them there are often quite strong personalities who are able to provide for themselves well, are successful in their careers, and have a strong social status. And that’s why you won’t be fooled by horror stories from the series “who will give you a glass of water when you’re old?” - they have everything calculated and provided for. Including a glass of water in old age - for this case they may have a separate bank account. Such people try not to burden themselves with attachments, finding partners for “non-binding” relationships and thereby solving their own and other people’s sexual problems. But nothing more. If something happens to a partner, the logic of the egoist will require replacing the partner rather than lending a helping hand.

This position may seem unsightly to many, but there are significant reasons for it. What did these people see in their parents' families, families of friends and girlfriends? In our society, there is no real culture of interpersonal relationships, and material factors leave much to be desired. And therefore, in every generation one could see quarrels between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law, mothers-in-law with sons-in-law, a lack of personal life for couples living with a child in the same room, constant worries about their daily bread, forced cohabitation under the same roof of people who had long stopped loving each other, parents, crippling the lives of children, and then abandoned by these same children in old age. Someone naively concludes that “I will definitely do better.” And most often he falls into the same hole. Some people really manage to do better, but there are objectively few of them. And someone decides not to build any relationships at all, creating all the guarantees for themselves with their own earnings and lack of responsibility. And the knowledge that his benefit is the ability to belong to himself one hundred percent makes this position quite stable. The rational mind of such a person says that “it is better not to experiment.” It is very difficult to re-educate a calculating egoist. Because, unlike the first two types of lonely people, he approaches the issue as consciously as possible. The first chooses loneliness to avoid repeated trauma, the second - to avoid too much mental and emotional garbage coming from people, but both of them, with a combination of circumstances and the appearance of suitable people, can at least partially weaken their positions. An egoist and a pragmatist - hardly. If someone significant to you turns out to be the bearer of such a philosophy, the only thing you can do is to establish with him the very “non-binding” relationship that is acceptable to him. Perhaps over time you will begin to mean more to him, but the only way to get close to him is to accept his form and his philosophy. And under no circumstances should you ardently appeal to “universal human values” - this will definitely not win him over, but rather push him away from you. Try to get into his shoes and learn his rules exactly. Perhaps someday he will make an exception for you from them. But to do this, you need to be “your own” in at least some way, which means just as prudent and selfish.

They say that the twenty-first century will be the century of single people. We have forgotten how to build relationships and create families. Perhaps someone at the top is taking action because there are too many of us. But this someone once said: “It is not good for a man to be alone.” And I agree with him.

Anton Nesvitsky

Loneliness is a scary word. However, in our world there are those who choose it consciously. What's behind this?

If it were possible to rank the reasons why a person chooses to be alone, then I would put cruel life lessons and serious traumas first. For which pain, fear and disappointment invariably come, sometimes paralyzing any ability to change and act. A person may seem like a “principled bachelor” and a recluse, but, most likely, he was once in love. Sometimes it happens that the first experience of sincere, trusting love stumbles upon pragmatism, cruelty and betrayal. The sooner this happened, the more difficult it is to overcome the trauma. Because a young and open person still believes too much in everything, is too inclined to create, his need for feelings is too strong and he knows the world too little. Such experiences are not necessarily associated with falling in love. This could be any kind of emotional trauma inflicted by parents. Let's say the mother spoke unflatteringly and rudely about some important, emotionally significant person or event for the child. Sometimes the same trauma can be caused by a parent’s scream or an attempt to hit. It all depends on the child’s subtlety of perception, which it is advisable to pay close attention to from early childhood.

What happened seems insurmountable to the small, young person, impossible to comprehend and move forward. Sometimes awareness and living of the trauma do not occur; it is simply repressed. Which is both bad and good. On the one hand, the repressed trauma will no longer create unbearable torment for the person; repression is a kind of natural defense mechanism. On the other hand, the structure of repression is such that this mechanism of the psyche completely excludes further human development in this area. When repressed, people often don’t even remember what happened to them. If a guy loved a girl, and she humiliated him, only a trace of some “unpleasant story” and a dry residue of the conclusion that “it’s better not to mess with them at all” may remain in his memory. If a child opened up to his mother, and she could be rude in response, something like a sign with the inscription “it’s better not to come close to people” will remain in the memory. This kind of conviction borders on phobias, which also often have a repression mechanism at their core.

We must understand very well that in trying to bring a person out of such a stupor, we will have to force him to relive the trauma again. This is inevitable when using any psychological technique. And therefore, if you are not sure that a person has matured enough, that his psyche has strengthened, there is no point in persistently pushing him to take this step.

When people feel the ability to change something and live through the trauma again (and since the subconscious knows everything, it can in one way or another make it clear to the conscious mind that it is ready to go through this experience) - people find the strength to turn to a specialist. And if they themselves, following the hidden signal of the subconscious, choose to change, the work of the psychologist, as a rule, ends successfully. If they are dragged to a specialist by the collar, then in most cases the work does not go well, the subconscious continues to resist, and the problem is not solved. A particularly bad option in such cases is to try to “break through the shell” using artisanal methods. That is, simply putting pressure on a person, pushing him to self-disclosure and communication. This can cause a very harsh protest, and in this case there is a high probability that the one who “gets into the soul” will already be injured. Because a traumatized person will try to protect himself with all his might from an uninvited invasion.

In social life, such people are not always successful. They can sometimes be so focused on their work that they often achieve a lot. Another thing is that it is difficult to establish close, friendly relationships with them. But this is not always necessary.

Just like the person himself, who understands that there is a serious obstacle to self-disclosure, does not always need to try to correct himself. Rather, first of all, learn to respect your personality structure. And make it clear to others that if boundaries are respected, he can be a serious support in his work. Respect for yourself and your injuries is the basis for the problem to be solved sooner or later.

Introversion and self-discovery

It also happens that conscious loneliness is temporary, but on occasion it can develop into permanent. How does this happen? There is such a natural tendency - introversion.

It means that a person, as a rule, experiences a lot within himself, he does not need constant stimulation by external impulses, he is not as interested in the external world as he is in his own internal one. The latter can be very rich for an introvert.

But we all came from ordinary Soviet (later Russian) schools, where every day we were forced to communicate with a large number of children. For an introvert, this is violence. This is several times greater than his natural need for communication, and even irritation from forced contact creates extreme fatigue, developing into a strong need to “close yourself” from the world. In addition, any thinking person goes through the stage of searching for himself, his place in the world, his niche. And if this is combined with introversion, the stage of conscious loneliness is almost inevitable. But under the condition of constant pressure and attempts to “break through” to him from the outside, such a person will put up a barrier for a long time, if not forever. The conditions of modern megacities only aggravate the matter - imposed, forced communication with a large number of people often creates in introverts a final attitude towards extreme distance from any communication. In any group, such a person quickly gets tired of talking about “nothing”, of attempts to show interest in his personal life and interests, of the constant provocations of others with the goal of “probing” him and finding out his guidelines. He is only interested in rare people, he does not want to clog his brain with unnecessary information, he does not experience pleasure from communicating “just like that.”

“Breaking through” - this tactic is rarely appropriate. You need to find an approach to such a person, if you decide to find him. And this must be done carefully. You need to understand and be able to accept the fact that you yourself may not be interesting to him at the initial stage. And there is nothing humiliating about this for you personally. He just didn’t see the meaningful side of you—that’s all.

Leave all “empty” conversations and small talk, try to talk to him only to the point and to the point. And let yourself be examined calmly. Take your time, don't force yourself. And if you are truly not poor internally, sooner or later he will notice you. When such a child grows up in a family, remember that if you leave him alone in time, give him to himself, after some time he will develop his own principles of life, find his niche, and decide on his status.

Here, the help of a specialist is often not needed as such, except for those moments when a person is told that he should be different. And then he begins to experience a feeling of inferiority. But everyone is different. Self-absorption has its positive sides - such people often think very creatively, can invent something new, extraordinary, and in their personal lives they often become faithful and loyal. Although it also happens that deep introverts remain lonely if they do not meet a person who can understand them . After all, the rule “you’d better be alone than with just anyone” is effective for them. As a rule, they do not suffer from loneliness - creative ideas are born within them, life is in full swing and it can completely satisfy them. However, in society it is more difficult for them than for simply traumatized people, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. A traumatized person may focus on achieving social status as part of compensation for the trauma, but introverts are rarely socially eager. All they want is not to be touched or pulled. They often choose creative professions and flexible working hours, which is not always understood by relatives and employers. Sometimes they begin to “adapt” intensively.

If you notice similar qualities in yourself, do not rush to allow yourself to be remade to fit the currently fashionable standard of “outgoing and energetic.” You still won’t become different, although you can learn to play a role. But constant play is very tiring.

It is much easier to accept yourself as you are and try to find a comfortable niche in this world. It's not that unrealistic. Freelancing is becoming increasingly popular; due to large distances, many employers in large cities have become more tolerant of flexible working hours. And you have something to offer the world - your creative thinking, high degree of concentration, ability to find non-standard solutions, independence of assessments and judgments. Not so little!

Selfishness and pragmatism

In modern society you often meet people who simply “don’t want problems.” Their logic is this: why build a life together with someone if you have to adapt, tolerate someone’s shortcomings, and sometimes carry the burden of financial responsibility for someone else? Why raise children who may never repay their parents, but can create a lot of problems? Summarizing the life experiences of previous generations, some people conclude that it is not worth getting close to anyone just because it is a problem. This applies to love and friendship. After all, both are responsibility, and these people don’t want responsibility. They usually consider their own benefit from the relationship to be not commensurate with the moral and material costs to the other. That is, according to their calculations, if they have responsibility, they will spend more than they receive. And this is not included in their plans.

What’s interesting is that among them there are often quite strong personalities who are able to provide for themselves well, are successful in their careers, and have a strong social status. And that’s why you won’t be able to fool them with horror stories from the series “who do you want?” a glass of water in old age will give? — they have everything calculated and provided for. Including a glass of water in old age - they may have a separate bank account for this occasion.

Such people try not to burden themselves with attachments, finding partners for “non-binding” relationships and thereby solving their own and other people’s sexual problems. But nothing more. If something happens to a partner, the logic of an egoist will require replacing the partner rather than lending a helping hand.
This position may seem unsightly to many, but there are significant reasons for it. What did these people see in their parents' families, families of friends and girlfriends? In our society, there is no real culture of interpersonal relationships, and material factors leave much to be desired. And therefore, in every generation one could see quarrels between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law, mothers-in-law with sons-in-law, a lack of personal life for couples living with a child in the same room, constant worries about their daily bread, forced cohabitation under the same roof of people who had long stopped loving each other, parents, crippling the lives of children, and then abandoned by these same children in old age. Someone naively concludes that “I will definitely do better.” And most often he falls into the same hole. Some people really manage to do better, but there are objectively few of them. And someone decides not to build any relationships at all, creating all the guarantees for themselves with their own earnings and lack of responsibility. And the knowledge that his benefit is the ability to belong to himself one hundred percent makes this position quite stable. The rational mind of such a person says that “it is better not to experiment.” It is very difficult to re-educate a calculating egoist. Because, unlike the first two types of lonely people, he approaches the issue as consciously as possible. The first chooses loneliness to avoid repeated trauma, the second - to avoid too much mental and emotional garbage coming from people, but both of them, with a combination of circumstances and the appearance of suitable people, can at least partially weaken their positions. An egoist and a pragmatist - hardly.

If someone significant to you turns out to be the bearer of such a philosophy, the only thing you can do is to establish with him the very “non-binding” relationship that is acceptable to him. Perhaps over time you will begin to mean more to him, but the only way to get close to him is to accept his form and his philosophy.

And under no circumstances should you ardently appeal to “universal human values” - this will definitely not win him over, but rather push him away from you. Try to get into his shoes and learn his rules exactly. Perhaps someday he will make an exception for you from them. But to do this, you need to be “your own” in at least some way, which means just as prudent and selfish.

They say that the twenty-first century will be the century of single people. We have forgotten how to build relationships and create families. Perhaps someone at the top is taking action because there are too many of us. But this someone once said: “It is not good for a man to be alone.” And I agree with him.

Awareness of loneliness

3. Man thus belongs to the visible world; he is a body among bodies. By reaccepting and, in a sense, restoring the meaning of original loneliness, we apply it to the person in his wholeness. His body, through which he participates in the visible created world, allows him, at the same time, to realize his loneliness. Otherwise, he would not have been able to come to the conviction he did (Gen. 2:20) unless the body helped him to understand it, making the matter obvious. The awareness of loneliness might not have occurred precisely because of his body itself. Man, Adam, could come to the conclusion, based on the experience of his own body, that he was largely similar to other living beings (Animalia). But, on the contrary, as we read, he did not come to this conclusion; he became convinced that he was alone. The Yahwist text never speaks directly about the body. Even when he says, “The Lord God created man from the dust of the ground,” he is talking about man, not about his body. Nevertheless, taken in its entirety, this narrative gives us sufficient grounds to perceive this man, created in the visible world, precisely as a body between bodies.

Analysis of the Yahwist text also allows us to connect the original loneliness of man with the consciousness of the body. Through it, man is distinguished from all animals and separated from them, and also through it he becomes a person. It is safe to say that a person thus has consciousness and awareness of the meaning of his own body, based on the experience of original loneliness.