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As we age, we realize that most of our former beliefs are untrue. The bad guy we wanted to fix will never change. The once best friend with whom they swore eternal friendship has become a stranger. Life is nothing like what we imagined it to be. How to cope with a sudden change in life orientations? Psychologist Yulia Romanenko advises.
With the approach of our thirtieth anniversary, we are entering a new period of life: a reassessment of values and awareness of true age begins. Some people have the feeling that they have been living wrong all along. Such thoughts are the norm and not a reason to despair.
In the last century, psychologists conducted research, they analyzed the problems of generations, comparing the experiences of people at the same age. The result was the theory of seven-year cycles.
During our lives, each of us goes through many such cycles: from birth to 7 years, from 7 to 14, from 14 to 21, and so on. A person looks back on the past years and evaluates them. The first most conscious cycle - from 21 to 28 years - smoothly flows into the next - from 28 to 35 years.
During these periods, a person already has an idea of a family and a desire to build it, a desire to realize himself in a profession and declare himself as a successful person. He becomes entrenched in society, accepts its framework and shares the beliefs that it dictates.
If the cycles run smoothly, the crisis will pass. But if it’s painful, dissatisfaction with oneself and life in general increases.
If the cycles go smoothly, the crisis will pass and the person has nothing to worry about. But if it is painful, dissatisfaction with oneself, the environment and life in general increases. You can transform your perception of the world. And the period between two conscious cycles is an excellent opportunity for this.
You can, of course, strive for perfection, but it is often illusory and foggy. It’s better to turn to yourself, your feelings and ask yourself questions at the “have, do and be” level:
What are my goals in life?
What do I really want?
Where do I want to be in a year? And in 10 years?
Where do I want to be?
If a person cannot answer these questions, then there is a need to recognize and accept himself, turn to his own desires and move away from the beliefs of other people. A special exercise will help with this.
Take a comfortable position and try to relax. You must answer the following questions in writing:
1. What do you believe now?
2. What did your parents and other important people from your childhood believe in?
3. Have you made any attempts to change your life?
4. Do you feel that it is in principle possible to fulfill your desires in adulthood?
5. How much do you deserve what you want?
When answering, listen to your body - it is the main clue: if the goal or desire is alien to you, the body will give out clamps and feel discomfort.
After completing the exercise, you will receive a set of beliefs that you inherited from people close to you, and you will be able to separate them from your own. At the same time, identify the internal limitations in your life.
Internal restrictions need to be replaced with positive attitudes
You need to work with them and replace them with positive attitudes: “I can do it. The main thing is not to hesitate and move in the given direction. What exactly will I do tomorrow? And in a week?
Make a plan on paper and follow it. Mark each completed action with a bold plus sign. This will help you move forward. Confidential dialogue with your “I” will allow you to go on an inner journey through your deepest desires. For some this is new and unusual, for others it is scary to admit their true aspirations. But it works.
Everyone can discover new facets of themselves through internal attitudes, analysis of desires and their division into their own and others. Then the understanding comes that everyone creates their own life.
about the author
Yulia Romanenko is a psychologist, coach, volunteer at the All-Russian hotline for psychological assistance to cancer patients and their loved ones 8-800-100-01-91.
Let's talk about the beliefs that stop us all on the path to self-realization, personal and professional progress, and, in general, to happiness.
Where are they from? They correspond to our current worldview. And it is equivalent to our current psychological age (regardless of biological age).
In some areas we can be stronger and more mature, but in others we can regress to a lower level. The task is to understand where we have a rollback, regression and raise our level, then beliefs will change, there will be fewer barriers, the overall picture of the world will change, and most importantly - the state, and therefore events in this area.
How to determine your psychological age? Look at yourself under stress (from the inside and, as it were, from the outside, from the outside, look at yourself in situations). How do we react? If we fall into emotions, this is infantilism. If we look for authoritative opinions, support is at the teenage level. If we rely on ourselves, intuitively and quickly understand how to do it right, we are adults. There is still a level of maturity, there is still room for us all to grow))
So, let's look at our level of maturity. These are questions of our strengths and weaknesses. Issues of growing up are issues of strengthening oneself. And questions of mastering personality settings and tools strengthening yourself.
We get stuck at certain stages because we don't go through transitional crises. The main thing that limits us is a setback in some areas to a psychological level below “adult”. If there is a question what stage are you at?, and why don't you move on? This means it’s time to look at your personal settings.
And also, see how we get through crises. They are inevitable, these are natural stages of restructuring and transformation. We come out of them stronger if we rise to a level higher than the level at which the problem occurred. We come out of them weaker if we regress in our internal state.
It is turning points, revaluations, reboots (they are called crises) that give us the opportunity to push away from the current stage and rush to the next one. We simply need this in order to grow up, wiser and become stronger.
There is no need to be afraid of crises. They are a litmus test of weaknesses, an indication of where we need to strengthen (after all, stress immediately shows our level of inner strength). Crises are turning points (should we follow the old track or pave the way for a new river?). You shouldn’t be afraid of asking tough and honest questions. Another list of questions " Who am I?», « Why do I need it?», « What do I want?“And so on, don’t be afraid. You shouldn’t put off or deny, go into negativity (the world is bad, I’m bad, etc.), but you should support yourself as much as possible, help yourself figure out. At each stage, the answers to the questions may sound different and this is normal.
We grow, which means our values, beliefs, priorities and ways of acting change, this is inevitable. Otherwise, you won’t budge.
If we don't grow, we degrade.
We grow until the end of our lives. Don’t think that studying is only in youth. (Many remain children and teenagers into their 40+ years because they have stopped developing)
Why does the topic of psychological age resonate so much?
Because it gives information about what stage are we at and highlights the way to strive to grow that you can strengthen your inner core and strengthen your supports. We want to become stronger. Which means happier. That's the whole point.
PRACTICE 1: Monitor yourself in typical stress situations in different areas. Where and how do you resolve crisis moments, how do you make decisions, what or who do you rely on, where do you draw strength from or feel powerless? How do you react? What (who) do you immediately think about and feel?
So, I won't explain it here scientific theories about psychological ages. Anyone who wishes can study it himself in the works of learned psychologists. My task is to give theses for practical conclusions, so that you can now analyze your views, habits and foundations, your current life position (the real state of your personal settings and the state of your resources) and make a decision to move forward.
So, no matter how old your passport says, it’s worth growing up. Otherwise, you won’t spread your wings, you won’t understand yourself and this world in such a way as to learn how to extract happiness from it.
The world is complex, ambiguous, chaotic, turbulent, very multivariate, unpredictable, overloaded with information and events, non-linear and so as not to feel like a victim, not to be stuck in the impossibility of making decisions (in fact, avoiding decisions), so as not to get bogged down in illusory assessments, grievances, wrongful demands due to our weakness, in blindness to our resources, let us understand the levels of progress in our worldview, our independence and resourcefulness.
CHILDREN
Psychological “children” - growing up biologically, psychologically remain people of “mood”, living from the position of “I want”.
The world, in their understanding, is their “parent”: the world must take care of them, give them comfort, support and approval. Disapproval and lack of care for them is so stressful for them that they will either adjust to get it or demand in any way possible.
They are unaware that they cannot control the feelings and views of other people. By the way, in principle, they do not consider them separately from themselves (other people for them are either identical to themselves, that is, in fusion, or their continuation (or they are part of someone), or objects, but certainly not subjects with their own will) . Constantly merging not only with loved ones, but also with the environment, they definitely want to please (that is, they think that they will force other people to do this one way or another or convince them, as if others do not have free will and their own guidelines and desires, as if they are blind or idiots and simply failed to see something in you), and they protest that someone did not appreciate them, did not approve, did not love them, did not take an interest in them, or did not share their resources with them. It's difficult for them to accept this.
They are periodically (unless they are captivated by another toy) bored, because they do not have a plan for life and a clear understanding of what they want, so they constantly need new entertainment and distractions. Their interactions with the world are demands, for example, for someone to come and solve their problems.
Children are very reactive (from the word “reaction”). You know how children behave in stores: when they see colorful rattle toys, they rush from one to another, shouting that they need to buy this. They don't control their attention. Their attention is controlled by external objects or subjects. They do not form their own agenda. They just react to whatever comes their way.
"Children" make money they cannot, at least seriously; As a rule, they are people with few resources, waiting for guardianship and care from the outside, dreaming of a patron, of a “mom-universe/father-husband,” of other people’s resources. They think that their feelings and opinions (if they have opinions, they are often their no) they are important to everyone, so they must be conveyed to everyone, and needs and needs, their weaknesses and other nuances of needs and everyday life are very touching and touching...
LOCUS OF CONTROL: very external (everyone does not act as expected, someone is to blame, someone is wrong, someone is dishonest, someone does not want to share - in general, there are expectations and constant disappointment from inconsistencies expectations and reality, there is no acceptance that everyone acts out of their own interests, greater faith in the words, and not in the deeds of people)
SELF-REGULATION: none at all.
SPONTANITY: complete spontaneity of your emotions, which are not lived through. After all, as children we were taught to “be silent!” Feeling ashamed or uncomfortable crying or expressing emotions. And we still don’t realize them and don’t know how to live and express them, and more often than not we suppress them, don’t understand them, block them. We remain children with our suppressed emotions.
TEENAGERS
These are uncontrollable conformists with a constant worry about “what people will say” about their particular actions. They are guided not by their intuition and knowledge, but by the opinion of the group.
It is important for them to be accepted in their reference group, it is important for them to meet social standards of “goodness”, albeit to the detriment of own interests. They also wait for “permission” for some opinion or judgment or action from significant people. In essence, they do not have their own significance, ethics and beliefs (although they may think that they are bearers of some principles, but there is little personal identity and selfhood there, everything is just templates from society or constructions of the reference group).
For some (with ambitions) it is important to take a place in the hierarchy, to become “cool” by the standards of this reference group, so they strive to demonstrate their “coolness” by any means, even at the cost of debt and refusal to satisfy their real needs.
They want to prove something to someone. Be sure to speak out, dot all the “i’s” (whoever beats). And those who are weak make their behavior socially acceptable and convenient. In essence, they are material and a resource for manipulating older leaders with their goals.
Psychological "teenagers" (those who are bolder) are a godsend for the consumer industry because they often they spend money on “status” items in order, first of all, to demonstrate and confirm their importance and secondarily, according to the degree of real need. They are always proving or demonstrating something to someone.
Another problem of psychological teenagers is fear. Fear of losing money, job, status, reputation, etc. Driven by this fear, they fuss a lot, run, worry, curse, trying to achieve safety, but never achieve it, because their own fears, through the mechanism of self-fulfilling prophecies (which is the focus of attention - that’s where the energy comes true), leads them to the loss of what they have acquired, and then they are forced to start this round all over again.
“A squirrel in a wheel”, “rat race” - these are metaphors that reflect the life of a psychological teenager.
A lot of fuss, lack of ethics (for example, respect for other people's boundaries and will, other people's resources and property) and own opinion (operates only with generally accepted stereotypes), neurotic fears and a restless life - this is the lot of a psychological teenager.
"Teenagers" make money they can (by selling their time, running around “buying and selling” or using unethical schemes), but they can’t use it wisely and create wealth, prosperity at this level and with these beliefs.
What about the personality settings, the ego settings at this level?
LOCUS OF CONTROL: very external (everyone does not act as expected, someone is to blame, someone is wrong, someone is dishonest, someone does not want to share - in general, there are expectations and constant disappointment from inconsistencies expectations and reality, there is no understanding from what selfish beliefs leaders act, great faith in words, statuses, show-offs, and not in the deeds of people)
SELF-REGULATION: no for the benefit of oneself. Since teenagers are hooked on those who are stronger, they use their willpower to benefit someone else and not themselves (to pump up their strength and develop their intellect)
SPONTANITY: complete spontaneity of your emotions, which are not lived through. After all, as children we were taught to “be silent!” It's embarrassing to cry or express emotions. And we still don’t realize them and don’t know how to live and express them, and more often we suppress them, don’t understand them, block them. We remain children with our suppressed emotions. Emotions are harmful. Everything goes into the furnace of momentary desires. Fast food, relaxation with alcohol, cigarettes, and other chemicals.
The tension is always terribly high. High expectations from yourself, from society, from other people, from life are a big strain.
SELF-ESTEEM: depends on who praised or scolded and how. Very dependent. Jumps like a swing. That's up because someone supported. then sharply down, because someone did not approve, did not stroke, did not appreciate, did not pay attention, does not like, or someone does not like us.
So.
The childhood stage is the stage of learning to work with your emotions.
Adolescence is the stage of socialization. At this stage, we learn to communicate in society, understand other people, express ourselves, and act according to established rules.
The stage of adolescence - what do you think it is dedicated to?
The stage of growing up - what should be the main thing there, do you think?
Let's continue.
YOUTHS
From approximately 18 to 21 years of age, active development of intelligence occurs. Of course, if a teenager chooses not to go out, love and drink, but to read books, play chess, develop his brain, be interested in some concepts or ideas (for example, saving the world, this is very juvenile).
And by the age of 21, in theory, a person is ready to instill in himself the ability to act effectively to achieve specific measurable results. To be happy, to be productive, to be inspired, to be resourceful, to be a leader (a leader for yourself, not led by society), to be proactive, to be healthy, to be energetic - all these are skills. And they can and should be learned. Create such personality settings that will allow you to extract happiness from reality and create a comfortable life for yourself. Be independent enough to make your own decisions, have your own opinions, and act flexibly rather than rigidly within limits. Be emotionally detached from external events or other people, rely, first of all, on yourself.
Let's consider what if the transition did not take place and according to the passport an adult person is stuck in adolescence, that is, in reflection, mental concepts and endless absorption of information, preparation, study, planning, reasoning and discussions (both internal and external) instead of organizing productive and happy desired life for yourself, instead real action in the real world.
The accumulation of knowledge and dreams, romanticism and idealization of oneself, the world, someone and something characterize the stage of adolescence. Being young, while there is really no experience and knowledge, everything seems that something is still missing in order to start acting. And this is logical. But at 30+ it already looks different: many “young men” talk about how they are about to start living for real, much better than now, and... do nothing, continuing to live as before. It’s as if they are always just preparing to live, but are not living yet. Waiting for tomorrow. Tomorrow is an external support. This is inaction.
Psychological “youths” are best able to dream and reason. And still study and study, with the hope of someday making your dreams come true.
Unlike conformist teenagers, young men already have their own opinion about everything and have already formed a value system that seems to them the only true one. They are ready to go through fire and water for her. Well, yes, it’s not for nothing that they study so much! They have an opinion about everything in the world and a lot of knowledge in the “stash” and a great desire to convey it to everyone (though there is practically no single holistic practical effort towards the goal).
If there are people in your environment for whom the meaning of any communication is to defend their point of view in the ensuing discussion, then these are them, psychological young men. People of action (i.e. adults) have no time to talk so much and have no desire to prove anything to anyone.
The question that’s on the tip of your tongue when you encounter a prominent representative of this “caste” is “If you are so smart, then why are you so poor?”.
And this question brilliantly illustrates their main problem - they do not monetize their knowledge and do not turn their potential into action. At the same time, often theoretically knowing how to do it. Why don't they? A question of ego adjustments and tool use? Yes, but the question is more about personal strength and congruence, since young men live in the mind and live only in the mind, they do not feel themselves, the world, there is no connection with themselves, with their gut, intuition. Therefore they do not feel reality. ALTHOUGH. They now have (and have) their own values and opinions; these are no longer teenagers who rely entirely on opinions, authorities and social attitudes.
To get out of an infantile position, we must recognize the subjectivity of other people, get out of a self-centered position, learn empathy, see that there are people around with their own opinions, desires, and priorities. The antipode of egocentrism is love for oneself and for the world. It is impossible to love, respect and understand other people without loving, respecting and understanding yourself. When you want to be held in your arms, there is no self-respect. And there is no respect for others.
HIGHLY RECOMMEND. My course "New me " helps to work on the topic of energy fullness (increasing one’s energy capacity), the theme of self-love, the theme of self-reliance. Without energy and without matured brains, it is impossible to aim for self-realization and other results (different from the current ones: in love, in finance, in work, in friendship, in health). It will be useful for both beginners (with their first approach to the topic “I want to live differently”) and for those who have already read and done something on the topic of energy, but there are no strong results and are constantly falling into a lack of power. Still, you need a SYSTEM and knowledge of all the principles. This is what I am letting you know. This is the base. “Chips won’t help those who don’t know the basics” (c) Andrey Zakharyan. Therefore, take a base, you will have something to build on!
To go from teenager to young man , you need to start developing your intellect, educate yourself and learn to go beyond the proposed models, think independently, learn to deal with your emotions and energy, not drain it into emptiness, but invest it in your goals.
Here I can also help you in a very practical way, for this I created a program " Quality of life upgrade". It deals with topics increasing personal strength, self-confidence, I help with the development of such personal settings as self-esteem, self-regulation, good boundaries. We learn to work with emotions, hear intuition, understand ourselves, our values and goals, develop our resources, improving the quality of life, increasing the degree of pleasure from each day, creating intentions and creating skills " be a happy person"What is included in your personal concepts" success", "happiness", "self-realization", "relationship"? You will understand your personal guidelines and plans for life. You will deal with drains of energy, holes in your boundaries, and jumps in your self-esteem, and changes in motivation. Learn to manage yourself. Your condition, your motivation, your energy, your desires and goals. You will understand how to work with fears and doubts and make informed decisions without getting stuck in problems. You will understand how you can increase your personal scale. And also: how to understand people, how to communicate with people, how to manage them, how to transform conflicts.
To move from youth to adult , you need to learn to act effectively, make decisions, make choices (young men don’t know how, they want “everything at once”), listen to yourself, use your intuition, see who is in front of you and communicate accordingly (without expecting more, but being able to manipulate “in interests of the business", based on personal ethics).
For people who have already read and studied everything, and, finally, ripe for action, I created a program " MY WAY. My self-realization". It is also practical, consists of exercises and my explanations of how and why these practices work and what they reflect on you, what they teach, how they can help in the desired transformations. This is a program for those who have completed one of the two previous programs (ideally: both) and is ready to create the desired lifestyle. practical tools and principles for managing yourself and your life, and the intention to create your reality according to your desires. It sounds fantastic, but there is no magic here. It is simply enough personal strength, energy, serious adult intention, capacity for acceptance, personal meaning, principles and ethics to understand your program, hear your purpose and act in unison with it, creating your path, enjoying your flow. Also, these are programs about skills: to gain useful skills in managing your attitudes, now that you have learned to manage yourself, you can be able to manage other people. This is about that how to choose, understand and create what you love, how to integrate it into your desired lifestyle(for many, on the contrary, their life is the remnants of time and energy that remain before and after work).
How is flow created and how to unlock your potential? In a programme " MY WAY. My self-realization“I give tools, well, and the consequence of this is the state that I talk about further.
ADULTS
They know how to make decisions. To make a decision, they do not need to endlessly, like young men, collect information. They understand that, in any case, they will not be able to collect all the information. Therefore, they connect their intuition, which was already quite developed at that time, which was formed on the basis of their sensitivity to themselves and the world. Based on the ability to concentrate when necessary and relax the rest of the time. They feel boundaries well. And that’s why they don’t strain themselves once again.
They know themselves, they are their own support. For themselves, they are the most important people in this world. They are focused on their values and goals. And often they do not coincide with the values and goals of society. They are not on the hook of society. They are not food.
Making decisions for them is conscious refusal from the pros and cons of one option in favor pros and cons of the other (there is a price for any issue, and there is always one!). They understand the realities of life: that they cannot embrace the immensity, they cannot get everything at once (only all the advantages and cream from everywhere). They need to make a choice and they make it. Decision making is exactly this choice skill, and not at all the presence of self-confidence. (Most of the concepts in life, such as “happy”, “inspired”, “mindful”, etc., etc. are skills. And they can be learned. Build muscles).
That is, while you sit and think that you are simply not confident enough in yourself, and therefore cannot make decisions, then you are not gaining selection skills, with all its ++ and - -, you will not upgrade your intuition, and you will constantly wait for a hint or resign yourself to the choice for you, to follow the lead of someone or something.
Self confidence is the trophy of actions, and not their impulse (that is, the consequence, not the cause of actions). It comes after we overcome beginner's shame.
If a problem can be solved with money, it's not a problem. These are expenses. Also the wisdom of an adult. Everything that saves you from routine, from what you don’t like to do, which only takes away your energy and time, can be solved by simple delegation or hiring for money. And at this time you will enjoy life or earn many times more than if you did something primitive or unloved yourself or hired special people.
They are able to carry out targeted actions for a specific measurable result. Do you have a task (any problem is not a problem, it’s a task that needs to be solved, and if it’s impossible, you need to treat it correctly)? An adult will not remain depressed for long. He will consider the conditions of the problem, the required resources and will then work on resources to solve the problem within his boundaries.
He understands what limitations there are, takes them into account, does everything that depends on him within his boundaries and accepts in advance everything that lies beyond his boundaries. Do what you have to do and come what may. Another adult wisdom.
He understands that the world will never be comfortable for him. People too. Accepts the fact of people's egocentrism and selfishness and considers this the norm. He does not experience any inconvenience, anger, irritation, disappointment, resentment, envy or other teenage emotions about this. Emotions in an adult, of course have. But he perceives them as signal, which indicates certain sensations, then you need not to hide these emotions, but to understand what and why you are not comfortable and what to do to make the reality around you comfortable.
It is known that since childhood we were not taught to recognize our emotions. We were made comfortable (by parents, teachers, etc.) and therefore emotions were prohibited. On any playground you can hear in every way basically SHUT UP (close your mouth and eat your soup!). And so, out of habit, we block our emotions (anger, frustration) and carry it all like a shell in our body. This is how we lose sensitivity, our intuition. And if we listen to the body, to the inner voice, then we, in fact, can always understand which option to choose, what decision to make, understand whether a person is lying to us or not, understand whether something needs to be done or not.
Intuition works when forming an internal question and receiving an internal answer. If we rely in answering a question not on the inner voice, but on the way it is accepted, or on other people’s beliefs or opinions, or on patterns of behavior, socially acceptable conveniences and manipulations, then we go away from our path and lose strength. We are losing strength because we, as it were, throw it out (through a bunch of doubts, fears, accusations, categoricalness, emotionality, empty talk, comparisons, envy, thinking through denial, boasting, communicating with the weak, self-flagellation, etc. - that is, regression), we drain the energy and it becomes expendable for others (like ourselves).
So, any problem is translated by an adult to the task level and solved, one way or another. Or the state and, accordingly, the attitude changes, and often in the end this no longer becomes a problem. Either a solution comes, or the problem itself resolves.
Stress resistance is inherent in an adult. They understand that stress is a normal factor in life, it is inevitable, some we can avoid, some are inevitable. The policy of avoiding stress at all costs will come at a cost: loss of self-esteem, self-confidence and strength. Mature attitude: I will look for the best solution in any situation and will not get lost. I have experience of victories, experience of mistakes and risks, experience of other people (ask, find out, buy training, buy consultation, buy expert analysis, be guided by “if someone can do it, so can I”). Mistakes are not scary, mistakes are part of the journey, an integral part of learning. If there have been no mistakes for a long time, it means you haven’t learned anything new for a long time, haven’t tried anything new, haven’t overcome it.
Adults manage their attention and energy. A mature person controls his own attention (he is proactive, not reactive), and therefore controls his motivation. Responses to external signals that pour in from all sides are selected by them from the point of view of their goals. Acting “in the best interests of the cause” is an adult thing to do. Simply reacting to the external environment (reactivity, from the word “reaction”) is the level of a teenager.
Psychological adults have control over their emotions. Not in the sense that they hide and restrain them, but rather control them (I have already described how above). They form their own attitudes and moods without waiting for spontaneous flashes of inspiration (they pave the way to the sources themselves).
A mature person can contain his feelings and knows when to unpack them and live safely and profitably. They are sensitive to signals from their body (including feelings) and use them in decision making. That is, intuition works precisely because a person turns to logic, based on experience and knowledge (his own and in the environment), and also to his heart and feelings. Psychologically, an adult knows how to listen to the heart and use the mind so that they work in synergy.
Life, for an adult, is a place of achieving specific results in accordance with his wishes.
Personal power is the ability to shape your reality. The ability to make your own CONDITION, then reality reflects this. And if the state is high, mature, harmonious, resourceful, then there will be a lot around it! What a focus - such environmental conditions. When does resource scarcity occur?
When a person lives as if according to a “survival” program instead of expanding the pleasure of life, comfort, one’s happiness, and developing one’s potential.. What mode do you live in? Do you have what you "need" but aren't getting what you "want"? Do you want to go to stop? (invest and calm down?) Adults constantly develop their resources
(both material and other), this gives them a lot of self-respect (and the respect of other people) and self-confidence (that they are resourceful and that they rely on themselves). Gender has nothing to do with it. Resource people are interesting and needed by everyone. Non-resource ones are a burden. To earn money, it is enough to direct cash flows in your direction.
Clear, effective targeted actions to solve the problem. Translate “need” into “I want”, “I can”, accumulate energy, listen to yourself, your intuition, rely first of all on yourself, rely on yourself, expect from yourself (and at the same time be apogiphistic, with a bit of humor and a huge dose of accepting any options).
Money is people's gratitude. How valuable are you and can you provide some value? Money is a natural consequence of your value, the state when you realize it. The greater the value (you increase it), the more you can let flow through you. You solve problems for money that is acceptable to you.
I help people work through their beliefs through practical exercises in my financial coaching program. If you want to understand your beliefs that produce your current outcome, want to change them to change the outcome, then participate to grow in this topic. Description doing something excessively(not just the minimum). But you have to do it and see what the return is. If there is no adequate return, then stop giving something in excess to manipulators and infants, ungrateful, unethical people. Work with them only “in the interests of your business”, nothing more. And to form warmer and more productive contacts with people who are close to you in values and spirit, and to mutually cooperate beyond measure.
They form their own personal meanings, what exactly is important to them and why. They don’t explain them to anyone, it’s their personal, their inner fire.
They don’t leak themselves, they believe less in people’s words and more in deeds. And they themselves say little (especially negative, weak things), and do more. They never compare themselves with others, they on his way.
Adults lean on yourself (and not on someone in the outside world). First of all, on internal resources (their clear ethical standards for making decisions, their will with the help of which they become strong) and external ones (the material wealth they created and ability to build productive relationships with different people).
The inadequacy and negativity of other people is not their problem. Accordingly, they do not undertake to prove something to someone or re-educate them, being within their own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of other people. Adults choose with whom to build relationships (personal, business or friendly), and with whom not, and with those they choose, they will be able to find a common language. A person who is within his boundaries is psychologically invulnerable to those who do not respect his boundaries and try to violate them. Being an adult means being more protected by your own settings, ensuring its integrity and adequacy.
Adults have good boundaries. They separate themselves from other people, subjects. They have self-respect (they stay within their boundaries) and respect other people, perceive them as separate subjects with their own rights (other people, including very close ones, have their own interests, opinions, their own goals, have the right to disapprove of you, disagree with you, not loving you, acting only in your own interests, not knowing something,... Read about " "). A person with good boundaries submits to someone else's will, accepting it as his own.
His self-esteem does not depend on approval or criticism.
They are ready to invest from the heart and out of love, and can appreciate the investments of other people. They know how to make friends and love. Be warm, open up to people they like. Distance yourself if there is no reciprocity. Love without fusion is about them. Skill be grateful- it's about them. They do not consider the care of others about themselves as their duty (in particular, that parental duty is an affiliation, and if the parents did not give something else, then they still owe it; on the contrary, infantiles generally perceive much in the world as their property). It is impossible to impose an extra debt, someone else's will on adult self-sufficient people; they are conscious and not blind, independent, because they have resources.
Do you have any grievances or complaints against your parents?
An adult has plans for life, which he adjusts as the play progresses. He is flexible, he accepts the diversity and unpredictability of the world. He can divide the time periods of his life into long-term and short-term plans. Whatever his plans, hecan appreciate the “here and now” and in this moment find a lot of advantages and joys. A mature person knows how to be happy, despite the stresses of life, unpredictability and crises, to extract joy from life, to feel the moments Here and now and enjoy them.
In general, self-sufficiency, independence in the best understanding of these words is the main characteristic of a mature person. To the extent that a child, teenager and young man with undeveloped, small resources are dependent and constantly seek support from the outside (support, help and approval or the use of other people's resources), the adult relies primarily on himself.
A mature person can act precisely because he controls your boundaries, your will, your energy and self-esteem. This is where the strength and resourcefulness come from.
What are the reasons for not growing up?
Living a certain period of time in his life, a person solves the problems of this period and at the same time accumulates biological and psychological
baggage". At some point, the quantity of internal changes develops into quality, and the way a person lives (according to the laws of his previous age period) begins to be dissonant with his new, more advanced identity.
And a crisis comes. The inability to live and act in the old way with a new “I”. Having lived through a crisis (or simply a stage of rethinking, reassessment), a person is identified (self-determined) in a new way and enters a new stage of his age development. Or it doesn't work out.
At all times, tribe, clan, community helped a person get through a crisis. Through rituals and traditions, elder tribesmen conveyed support and necessary knowledge to the transitioning person about his new identity and how to handle it.
If you did not receive support in your family, in the environment in which you grew up, today, by connecting awareness, you can help yourself. After all, you are no longer a child. Everything that was once “not given” to you, you can now give to yourself. Having realized your destructive attitudes that prevent you from moving forward, you are able to remake them and organize your life the way you want.
How to grow up?
- Understand your limiting beliefs and stop factors.
Help yourself see reality. Look from the outside. Who you are, what you are like, how you solve your problems. Are you growing or stagnating?
1. How resourceful and interesting a person you are. Everyone is drawn to something interesting and resourceful, everyone wants to be close to it. If no one really wants to, maybe it's time to take care of yourself and stop blaming others for the lack of support.
2. How effectively do you act in your interests and goals? Do you have a clear step-by-step plan and a measurable specific result (goal) that you want to achieve? Do you have a strategy and implement it carefully every day?
3. How and where do you merge yourself? Where are the holes in your borders? Where is the weakness? Where is the childishness? Where are the illusions and escape from reality? Where is the lie to yourself?
4. Do you know how to hear the voice of intuition? Intuition works like this. You ask specific questions and say the answer within yourself. Generally yes/no. You cannot say one or the other internally in response to a specific closed question. It's as if constipation of thought occurs.
Also, listen to your body. The body clearly signals. Something starts to prick, or get cold, or some other sensation.
In fact, if relax and be calm, in resource, we understand when we are being lied to, when we are being deceived, when a person is unethical, dishonest or weak, we feel it, but we begin to persuade ourselves, or convince ourselves, or succumb to provocations or manipulation, regressing downward in our psychological mood.
About open questions: in fact, we know all our true answers. But he either prefers mental templates, or the opinions of others, or the constructions of society. We don't hear ourselves. Too uptight, too neurotically tense, intimidated, worried. You need to relax, accumulate strength, additional energy (above your minimum for current tasks) and you will hear yourself more clearly and understand yourself better.
- Realize where you are now and where you need to move next.
Say thank you to your previous stage, everything it taught you (analyze its lessons), then realize what the next stage is facing you.
Take on new responsibilities, set new goals, list tasks on the way to the goal and start taking action. Use adult settings and tools. I have mentioned many.
I will also mention one of the important settings: the belief of what factors influence your life (locus of control, it’s called).
It helps to be within boundaries normal locus of control. A normal locus of control involves not expecting much from someone or something (one extreme is external locus: “someone is to blame or someone owes something,” in your opinion, and therefore there is always disappointment, expectations are not fulfilled!), and you do not consider yourself the navel of the universe (the other extreme is internal locus: “I can do anything, the main thing is to want it,” or “I could do everything, I just don’t want to, or there’s simply no suitable option for me”), but you act with what you can really control. How? By yourself and your resources. Staying within your boundaries. If you don't have any leverage in a situation, it's worth seeing it and distancing yourself for your own good or remaining dependent. Perhaps for now. While you are building up your resources.
You should learn to manage yourself absolutely independently (read some other resources about personality settings, ego settings if necessary). And increase resources more and more in order to be less and less dependent on someone and something, more resourceful, and therefore a more self-confident and strong person.
Rely on yourself! Put yourself at the center of your universe, and take care of yourself closely! Then you will have something to give to your family and friends. And while you are weak, confused, living in goals and within the framework imposed by others, there is nothing special to give you, except for the crumbs of remaining energy. When you realize this truth, you can move forward. While you are hiding behind a mass of mental defenses and excuses, things are still there.
PRACTICE 2.
Analyze which of these attitudes is true for you. In which areas are you at which of these levels (in relationships, in work, in friendship..)
What motivation works in each of your life areas (personality, work, friendship, love,...)? What issues do you solve in each area?
Write it down in your diary for self-analysis, analyze in what situations and areas there is regression and how you need to start thinking and acting differently there.
Some people come to the question of how to stop being a child only at a conscious age. When life passes by, desires are not fulfilled, situations are worse than others, and loved ones constantly talk about your irresponsible attitude towards everything that happens - this means it’s time to part with childishness and grow up.
Why is it beneficial for some to remain children when they are already of a conscious age?
Often Those people who don't want to grow up are those who are afraid of responsibility. like fire. It’s convenient to blame everything on someone else, complain about circumstances that didn’t work out, and see everything as the fault of relatives or friends who don’t understand all the difficulties that surround you everywhere. The list of problems grows every day, but no one cares about you. It is these thoughts that are the main foundation of the life of a person who is not ready to grow up.
But there are complex psychological traumas, the consequence of which can also be a certain irresponsibility in a person’s behavior and actions. It is difficult for such people to cope with the problem on their own, so in such cases psychological or psychiatric help from qualified specialists is necessary.
5 necessary rules for rapid personal growth
To grow up, you must follow 5 rules:
- Responsibility
Perhaps the most important point in growing up is developing the ability to take responsibility. A person who is ready to be responsible for his actions, decisions, and actions can consciously call himself an adult.
- Working on thoughts
It all starts from this point. The day has come when you make a firm decision to change your present and future. You make the decision to grow up consciously and decisively forever. At this stage, self-improvement techniques will help, such as:
- The Turbo-Suslik system - psychotechnics allows you to get rid of infantilism, but in fact, it has a wider range of solutions to problems, such as: getting rid of negative personality traits, depressing emotions, limiting beliefs, emotional traumas, complexes and much more. . This is a serious technique and really transforms your inner world in the shortest possible time. The system is so powerful and self-sufficient that you don’t even need to use the techniques below (from this numbered list).
- books on self-improvement, the power of thought, about the hidden capabilities and resources of a person;
- exercise for the mind, meditation (concentrating on one thought for 5 minutes every day);
- positive attitudes towards success (the ability to control your mental flows, avoid negative emotions and moods);
- affirmations (blocks of optimistic statements that strengthen the mind’s attitude towards life situations (success, health, harmony in relationships, abundance).
Physical exercise is just as necessary for a person as mental exercise. A strong, healthy body will always have a flow of internal energy, strength, and resources. After a good exercise, a visit to the gym, a person begins to feel spiritually uplifted, new ideas begin to enter his head, and his general condition is in high spirits. By exercising physically, you will not give illnesses a chance. Daily physical activity gives you discipline and helps you organize your daily routine correctly.
- Intelligent programming
A strong intention to change the situation for the better, learn to take responsibility, and take a leading role in important life situations will awaken in you those hidden capabilities that will help you achieve what you want. It will be useful to attend personal growth trainings, consultations with a psychologist, or use the Turbo-Suslik system, which gives deeper results than the trainings and consultations described above.
You need to start rebooting your emotions by recording your emotional state on paper, for example: on a scale from 1 to 10 (where “1” is anxiety, fear, stress, and “10” is joy, optimism, happiness), mark your state at a given moment in time. This will be the starting point for recording the result of working on yourself. Brain training will also help here, because you will need to maintain a state of joy, success, and moral stability every day.
What other reasons are there for not wanting to grow up?
Our parents protect us from all adversity, but sometimes this process drags on for many years. It is the constant care of our relatives that relaxes the sense of responsibility and creates the illusion of comfort and the absence of problems.
There are several ways to correct this situation:
- Talk to your family at the round table. Who, if you yourself, can clearly explain to them that the time has come to become independent, to solve personal issues on their own. Your decisive attitude will definitely find responses from your family.
- Live separately from family. As soon as you move to another apartment, house or dorm, you will immediately be faced with many situations, the resolution of which will fall solely on your shoulders.
- Don't be afraid to make decisions. It happens that life circumstances dictate to us the directions in which we supposedly should go. But this is what those people think who are accustomed to relying on fate in everything; those who do not want to be responsible for any consequences, transferring the entire burden of responsibility to someone other than themselves. Only by making a decision without outside help can you feel those threads of your consciousness that can control any life situation.
By making decisions on your own, you learn to analyze situations, compare possible decisions and consequences. All this is called in one word - experience. It is the experience that gives us the emotions and states that we want to experience.
Fear of disappointment prevents us from moving forward; doubts are also not our best friends in achieving our goals. But they are not an obstacle for those who are sure that after every fall begins a new rise, an ascent to their desires, dreams, and goals.
Anyone who has never fallen will not know how nice it is to get up again and go towards your goals no matter what. Only those who are so courageous and self-confident can conquer any peaks.
“It wouldn’t be entirely true to say that some time ago I was wild and reckless, but now I’ve calmed down and become an adult. In fact, now I am even braver and stronger than before. I make riskier and more responsible decisions. It seems to me that over the years my life in all its manifestations has become more and more extreme." Angelina Jolie
“Don't grow up. It is a trap!" - said the most persistent childhood lover, Peter Pan. But is this really so? Memories from childhood always warm our souls, but that’s how it should be. Memories from adult life will be no worse, but better, if you can grow up in time. To become an adult, you don't have to kill the child inside you. Just think it's time to move on. New peaks, new victories, new successes and new impressions await, and you are hovering near the main entrance, clinging to the past.
This is your world. If you become an adult, you will see all the possibilities and roads. You will be able to make plans and fulfill all your dreams. You can become yourself and who you have always dreamed of. It's time to grow up! Whoever does not do this will remain on the losers' bench. Stop sitting in the nest. You are not a chick.
Life and growing up
“Growing up means one thing - independence. We all want it. Sometimes we use other people to get it for ourselves, sometimes we find it in each other, sometimes our independence comes at the cost of something else, and that price can be high.. Because more and more often, in order to gain independence, we need fight. Never give up, never retreat..." Gossip Girl
Sitting under the wing of your parents is good and cozy. They decide everything for you and protect you from dangers. But you can’t sit in a nest all your life. It's time to be independent and learn to fly. At first you will feel cold and uncomfortable, but everyone goes through this. It's time to learn to make decisions on your own, learn to be yourself, understand yourself, achieve goals and follow your path. It's time to grow up!
You are responsible for everything that happens around you
Being lazy and lacking initiative is the lot of losers
Nobody owes you anything, you build your own happiness
Bad habits such as smoking, alcohol, etc. don't make you grown up and cool
Every decision you make has far-reaching consequences.
Narcissism, selfishness, shortsightedness and stupidity are synonyms
Be yourself
Set goals, make plans and achieve your dreams
Someone else's opinion is the least that should concern you
Be bolder and more active
Keep your nose up, smile more and be positive
Love and growing up
“At different times and with different people, but it happens to everyone. The worst part of growing up is heartbreak, but that's part of life..." Angela Calderon
We usually feel like we are starting to grow up when we get our heart broken. But there's nothing wrong with that. As children, we scraped our knees and skinned our hands while learning to ride a bike. It hurt, there were tears, there was a desire to quit. But we learned. Our parents and friends helped us. But how much joy the ability to ride a bicycle has begun to bring us. We raced with friends around the yards for races, enjoyed the speed of movement, gave rides to our comrades, traveled to the river and into the forest. There were falls later, but we learned to endure the pain. Falling is part of cycling. So it is with love. Over time you will learn and enjoy it.
Adult relationships and love are different from teenage ones. It's time to be more experienced, thoughtful, careful and smart.
A pretty face or length of legs is not the main thing in a person
Sex cannot be the only driver of a relationship
Don't waste your time on hopeless love and relationships
Relationships are responsibility
Fear of commitment is immaturity
Excessive jealousy is not love, but your insecurity
Selfishness and pulling the blanket in a relationship will not end well
Understanding and the desire to find a compromise is vital
“It seems to you that you are growing up gradually, but, damn it, one day it will hit you like a branch in the forest, let go by the person ahead.” Fall in love with me if you dare
If you don't grow up yourself, then one day life will hit you like a branch. Grow up yourself. You have the power to become what you have dreamed of being since childhood. Your dreams are only in your hands. Stop sitting in the nest. You are not a chick. You've already grown up. You are an eagle...
