Again, IMHO you need to have children if and when you want, and not because the last train is leaving.

It’s hard for me to give any other advice. Because I didn’t have time to experience such fears because I’ve been a mother my entire adult life.

I had my first child at the age of 19, when I was not particularly puzzled by such serious questions - whether I want it or not. He appeared in me, and I knew that I could not kill him. And yes, I immediately fell in love with him - there was no choice)). I took care of my son, worked with him a lot... but I was terribly tired. And at every opportunity she left him with her mother to take a break from him.
And for a long time I didn’t want more children. Other people’s babies did not evoke any tenderness in me, I smiled pretentiously at my friends when they talked about their little children, I was glad that my son had grown up, and I didn’t need to bother with diapers, teach him to eat with a spoon, go to the potty, and so on. Because back then I treated it all as hard work. This is the moment - I was not ready for motherhood at 19 years old. That's why.

Later, my new man really wanted a child from me (this is very important, if he didn’t want it, I definitely wouldn’t have given birth), but I absolutely didn’t. That's what I told him - he accepted it. But at the age of 28, I began to be touched by babies, I wanted to cuddle them, I felt that I wanted to experience pregnancy, childbirth, hold my baby in my arms, breastfeed him... For 2 years I thought - was it just me? No, it didn't seem like it. And I started a new pregnancy. We went through it together. From and to. From the first ultrasound until the birth (my husband delivered the baby). Throughout my pregnancy I was flying with happiness; the fears and anxieties of the ladies on this forum were completely incomprehensible to me.
Well, I treated my second newborn child differently. It wasn't hard work, it was (and is) a 24-hour thrill. Until my daughter was 2.5 years old, I did not leave her for a minute. And not because I was unable to take her, but because I didn’t want to part with her, I didn’t need to go anywhere without her.

Now I again notice that small children do not evoke affection, I smile pretentiously, and so on.

I love my people madly. But I don't want a new baby. And I am sure that I will give birth again only if I again feel what I felt before my second pregnancy (accidental pregnancies in our case are impossible, we use protection). Because you need to love your children long before they appear... Moreover, both mother and father should love them... If this feeling is not there, then there is no need to give birth, a glass of water in old age and a social worker can give you a glass of water. Well, this is my opinion and my experience.

It seems that giving birth to a child is a natural desire for each of us, and the maternal instinct is so strong that it forces us to fearlessly go through pregnancy and childbirth and not be at a loss in front of a small, wrinkled man. No one realizes how many ordinary people there are women who are afraid of motherhood. Discussing with others your reluctance to immediately have offspring is not so easy, and many find themselves alone with their fears, surrounded by a child-centered, ununderstanding society.

Where does fear come from?

Some are terrified of childbirth, some carry with them into adulthood a resentment against their own parents who did not give them love and affection, while others see the child as a threat to independence or financial stability. The reasons may not be so obvious - some are greetings from childhood, while others were formed as a result of our life attitudes and principles. Somewhere we are afraid of our own mind, and the instincts that usually drown it out turn out to be weaker.

Reasons why women are afraid of motherhood Perfectionism

• . Many people realize that perfectionism greatly interferes with life. But not everyone realizes that people suffering from the highest demands on themselves and the world around them may be afraid to give birth to a baby. Meanwhile, a perfectionist not only painfully perceives the sins of the people around him and sees and does not accept the shortcomings of raising children a mile away, but also sets the highest bar for himself, as a potential parent. Such people take family planning very, very seriously. To decide to have a child, they need a combination of all factors:. There can be no question of any bunny with a lawn. This position smacks of, at a minimum, infantilism, and at a maximum, stupidity. Perfectionists know that they are obliged to think through all the nuances of the quality of life of their family, without relying on magic or higher powers - but only on their own common sense.

• personal. A person should approach childbirth as an accomplished person - so that he has something to pass on to the baby. Perfectionists are well aware that the process of education is a very difficult matter, and high demands on themselves make them doubt the perfection of their own pedagogical qualities.

Weakened maternal instinct. Man is a rational being to be guided not only by instincts. And although it is not customary to demonstrate this, some women are not at all moved by “cute little dolls” and sweet bubbles from children’s saliva. On the contrary, they look at babies with eyes not clouded by love, and clearly see all the shortcomings of motherhood - the inability to belong to oneself and plan one’s time, soul-wrenching screams and eternal lack of sleep. Agree that it is maternal love that makes you turn a blind eye to what would normally seem like sophisticated torture. Such women do not experience love for the future, unfamiliar and incomprehensible child, until the very birth, and this is the absolute norm. Such a mother will coo over her baby in the same way, but love will come to her after birth, growing with each new day the child recognizes her. But an abstract baby leaves such women indifferent - that is why they do not dream of children, and motherhood frightens them with its difficulties.

Resentments and fears come from childhood. It is a big mistake to believe that Soviet society was permeated with affection for pink heels. Although each couple quickly acquired offspring, there was no need to coo and coo for years - the baby was waiting for the nursery, and the mother was waiting for everyday work. The generation of our mothers and grandmothers has a much easier attitude towards abortion, more often uses the term “burden” in relation to a child and approaches the process of childbirth without sentimentality - children may be the flowers of life, but caring for them requires a lot of effort and money.

In the 90s, life became even more difficult, putting families with children almost on the brink of survival. It is not surprising that today a whole generation has grown up for whom the concepts of “child” and “hardship” have become practically synonymous. Fear of poverty and the expectation of negative changes - the first childhood impressions, carried over into adulthood, force one to direct all efforts in search of stability, but the baby becomes a frightening figure capable of destroying the hard-maintained balance.

There is no single way to deal with the fear of motherhood - after all, everyone has their own reasons for it. However, in each case it has deep roots, so you still have to dig into yourself and pull your phobias out.

Text: Vera Guler

More recently, 10-20 years ago, many kindergartens were converted into hotels, offices, and educational institutions. And suddenly there was a demographic boom in Russia. Two children in a family has become the norm; a waiting list for adoption has formed in shelters and orphanages.

All that was needed was to give a little financial incentive to women who rushed into business and politics. The fear of motherhood has ceased to be popular.

Statistics

A hundred years ago, almost 24% of the world's population was born in small Europe. Today, only 10% of people have their homeland in the most promised corner of the Earth. Why? The opinion has emerged and firmly established that material well-being and education become a psychological barrier to childbearing.

The developed European country Norway refutes the axiom already proven by statistics. Against the background of general emancipation, high education and material well-being, the government of the country has taken measures to create conditions under which mothers can live a full social, political, and working life.

Today, on average, there are almost two children per Norwegian woman, despite the fact that 55% of them are not officially married. Interestingly, this country also ranks first in the number of women with higher education and employed. Why doesn't the generally accepted axiom work here?

Very close by in the same Europe is one of the richest countries - Germany, which fully confirms the “truth” put forward. Over the past 40 years, the birth rate in this prosperous country has fallen by half:

• 70% of women who have achieved success in business do not have children;
• 35% of women with higher education are childless.

conclusions

Everything is explained quite simply. The modern emancipated woman does not want to choose between family and social life. If she still has to give up something, she has the right to give up her children, no matter how sad it is.

Let's look at the problem schematically. Imagine a straight line with situation #1 at one end, #2 (Germany) in the middle and #3 (Norway) at the end:

1. The country's social policy does not allow the female half to participate on an equal basis with men in management, business, and the economy. At the same time, there is no mechanism for material and moral support for the birth and upbringing of children. A woman is perceived by society only as a housewife, wife and mother. As a consequence, there is a high fertility rate with a low level of well-being.
2. A rich, developed country where even the ruler is a woman. Emancipation, gender equality, freedom of morals and views are actively promoted. Women enjoy all the rights, get an education, make a career, occupy leadership positions, but... at the same time, the institution of supporting motherhood is completely undeveloped. A potential mother has to choose between a rich, full life as an equal member of society and motherhood. So she chooses.
3. The balanced policy of a wealthy state simultaneously gives a woman all the rights equal to a man in the public and domestic sphere and provides her with additional material benefits during pregnancy and childcare. A whole system of organized education of the younger generation (nurseries, kindergartens, schools) allows the mother not only to have time to solve everyday problems, but also to fully participate in the life of the country. A legitimate rise in fertility.

From this diagram it is clear that the desire to give birth to a child is present at all times, but the female instinct of the expediency of procreation precisely in such given conditions dictates the formula of behavior.

That is, it is possible to maintain a high birth rate among highly educated emancipated women by creating conditions that encourage this.

Causes of fear of motherhood

Material problems

1. The birth of a baby will require significant financial investments. From now on, your entire family budget will be divided into one more part. Moreover, for some time you will be thrown out of the production labor process and will not be able to earn the same amount of money.
2. You are accustomed to a certain level of your well-being, you are afraid of losing it, of lowering the level of your life support. You don’t want to “create poverty” or be ashamed that you can’t buy your child roller skates or enroll your child in an elite kindergarten.

Conclusion

Are you homeless? There is a limit to poverty - a naked, hungry homeless person. Everyone else compared to him is wealthy rich people. All other levels of well-being are relative. There are millionaires who consider themselves poor because they are not billionaires. There are pensioners who consider themselves rich because their pension is 500 rubles more than their neighbor’s.

Imagine that you bought a house on the Mediterranean coast to spend your holidays there and live in your old age. All your savings were spent on this purchase; you no longer have the opportunity to pamper yourself with chocolate baths, mink coats and male striptease. You lost money purchasing.

Why do you think that the birth of a son or daughter is hopeless and will not return material benefits to you in the future? It will be much more pleasant to laugh at the tricks of your grandchildren at a dacha near Moscow than to be bored alone in the elite distant walls. You spent the money, investing it in the most promising project, in the continuation of yourself.

Fear of pain

Who isn't afraid of her?! But, excuse me, why weren’t you afraid of it yesterday when you got your navel pierced, and a week ago when you removed the hair on your legs? Ah, you knew that after this you would become more beautiful. That is, you are not afraid of the pain that pays off handsomely.

So, for you, smooth legs and jewelry in your navel are more important than a cackling miracle in your cradle?

Considering the availability of all kinds of painkillers and other means of modern obstetric care, it turns out that this is not a fear of pain, but naked selfishness.

Where did you get the idea that giving birth is very painful? Was it shown in the cinema? Did your friends tell you? Aren't these the same friends who, with happy eyes, tell about the antics of their boys, choking with joy, boast to you about the first tooth that has erupted? Wow! And you are afraid...

Conclusion

The devil is not as scary as he is painted. When you went to get your ears pierced, someone probably told you horror stories too, but everything turned out to be quite tolerable. So it is here. Normal and natural childbirth is painful, but tolerable.

However, after your earlobe is pierced, you get the opportunity to decorate yourself with earrings, and after a couple of hours of contractions, your baby is born!

Loss of social status

Somehow it has happened in modern society that the title of doctor of science, director and even model evokes more reverence, respect and even envy than the presence of children in the family. Therefore, successful women often refuse motherhood for fear of losing their status.

Conclusion

It’s worth asking yourself why you need status, position in society, money:

1. If you enjoy the process itself, then this can still be understood, and it is simply dangerous for such women to be mothers.
2. And if you are trying, exhausted, to someday use what you have earned and relax, then urgently go to a psychologist and go on maternity leave. This “someday” will never come!

Fear of responsibility

An educated, erudite woman is well aware of the tasks that will confront her when she has a child.

If you are fully imbued with all the responsibility that is suddenly placed on a previously completely carefree person, then it will become incomprehensible how any woman even decides to give birth.

After all, not only will it be necessary to feed, water and provide the new little person with everything necessary so that he is healthy, active and physically fit. Mom will have to raise such a worthy member of society who will become its best representative.

What if it doesn’t work out?! What if you don’t have enough knowledge, experience, patience and love?! And then everyone will point the finger at you and say that you raised a bad person. And due to your fault, he may not receive enough vitamins, food, care and will become sick and useless for humanity. Horror!

Conclusion

As for health, it is very useful sometimes to remember that we are part of nature, a powerful, wise and eternal mechanism. This means that all of her insurance policies are a priori included in us. Use it and don't lose it.

And what distinguishes us from the unreasonable animal world is up to you to nurture and nurture. Erudition, decency, honesty, optimism, curiosity and much more are brought up in the family in the first years of a new little person’s life. This is so interesting!

Childfree

Relatively recently, all over the world, and in Russia with some delay, a movement, a subculture, has appeared that unites people who completely refuse to have children.

These are not sick people who are unable to have a child. The conscious desire to live for oneself, without bothering with pregnancy, childbirth, or upbringing, united people into a community called “childfree” (freedom from children).

Can you imagine a world in which all people wanted to join this movement? What will it be like? But none. In just 100 years, humanity will disappear like mammoths. Here is another version of the disappearance of the elephant-like giants - they all joined the childfree movement.

Everything changes if you perceive the birth of a child as a huge reward, and raising him as the most interesting thing in the world. Any fears are overcome, all concerns become unimportant when a woman really wants something.

Video: Fire the stork or New fashion in Europe

Sounds strange, doesn't it? How can you be afraid of being a mother, of having a child, isn’t this nonsense?
From the point of view of ordinary psychology, nonsense. From the point of view of common sense and sociology, not at all. Declining birth rates are a feature of developed industrial and post-industrial societies. As a rule, all countries are interested in growing their population.

Does the ideology of gender equality contribute to an increase in the birth rate? It is believed that the connection between the policy of gender equality and the childbearing rate is mediated by many factors, such as: the level of education of women, the possibility of combining family responsibilities and professional growth, state support for preschool education, the duration of paid parental leave, etc.

A positive example that gender equality does not mean a decline in the birth rate and an aging nation comes from Norway, where progressive gender and family policies have contributed to an increase in the birth rate since the mid-1980s. “In no other Western country do women give birth to so many children. At the same time, Norwegian women receive education and enter the labor market much more often than in most other countries. The high birth rate indicates citizens' optimism about the future, as well as the "quality" of Norwegian society.". The average childbearing rate per woman in this country in 2007 was 1.9. Moreover, 55% of children were born outside of a registered marriage.

However, the rest of Europe and many CIS countries, including Kazakhstan, over the past ten to twenty years have been demonstrating negative demographic trends, such as a continuing decline in the birth rate, the aging of the nation, migration of the population of productive age, excess mortality of middle-aged men, reluctance or impossibility of motherhood among many women of fertile age.
In Kazakhstan, with its 15 million people and its vast territory, the ninth largest in the world, the need to increase the birth rate has been persistently talked about for a long time. Demographers call on women in Kazakhstan to give birth to three, four or more children, politicians advocate for at least three children in each family, but the population and, first of all, women are in no hurry to respond to these calls with real actions.
We call this phenomenon the fear of motherhood.
Fear of motherhood manifests itself in a woman’s reluctance to have her first or next child - due to psychological, social, economic or other reasons. This article makes an attempt to analyze the external and internal causes of fear of motherhood using the example of educated middle-class women. For comparison, statements from women with similar life experiences from Russia and Germany are given. The article continues the study of the social cost of motherhood for women, which we began in previous years.
Before we begin our discussion on this topic, we should define both the very concept of “fear of motherhood” and the reasons for our research interest in this phenomenon.
Under By fear of motherhood, we understand the complex of rational and emotional experiences of a woman about the inability to realize her desire for motherhood in the specific conditions of her current life. This phenomenon can also be called reluctance to motherhood, awareness of obstacles to motherhood, objective unpreparedness for motherhood. The expression “fear of motherhood,” in our opinion, has a pronounced emotional connotation, showing a woman’s personal attitude to the problem.
The fear of motherhood may or may not be realized by a woman, and can be expressed in mild, moderate or acute form. The fear of motherhood is rationalized and justified by the woman. As a rule, it is associated with feelings of regret about the impossibility of motherhood, but not with the experience of shame. He often finds justification in criticism of the state’s social policy, which does not allow a woman to realize her plans for motherhood.
It is logical to ask the following questions:
Why does a woman at certain points in her life not want to give birth to a child/children?
Does this feeling apply equally to the first child, the second and subsequent children?
Does the fear of motherhood intensify or weaken with age?
Is the upper limit of fertile age always accompanied by fear of motherhood?
Are the indications for termination of pregnancy (economic, medical, ethical, etc.) identical to the reasons for fear of motherhood?
Does her husband/partner share her fear of parenthood?
Is the fear of motherhood congruent with the fear of fatherhood in men?
How much does fear of motherhood affect a woman’s quality of life?
Is it true that the higher the standard of living in a society (for example, in Europe), the more likely women are to experience fear of motherhood, while in countries with a low level of human development, women do not have such fear?
What is the relationship between consumerism as one of the values ​​of modern life and the fear of motherhood among middle-class women?
To what extent are the ethnic characteristics of a family’s childhood in Kazakhstan related to the fear of motherhood, that is, is it possible to say that the fear of motherhood is more present among the Russian part of the population than among the Kazakh part of the population, and in the north of Kazakhstan more than in the south?

The present of Europe is our future, or gender equality without children?

The mass media are sounding the alarm: in all economies - good and bad, in all societies - Protestant and even Catholic, Europe is experiencing a baby crash: an unprecedented decline in the birth rate.
The UN estimates that in 1900, one in four people on the planet lived in Europe, which was 24.7%. Currently, Europe's population is just over 10%. By 2025, the share of Europeans in the world's population will be 7% (with an average birth rate in the European Union of 1.48 children per woman).
Infant mortality rates, coupled with increasing life expectancy, “have enormous implications for our prosperity, living standards and intergenerational relationships,” the European Commission said in a report on demographic issues.
For example, in Germany over the past 40 years the birth rate has halved. There is a growing number of childless women, with good education and decent earnings, between the ages of 30 and 40. If in 1971 in Germany 16% of women with higher education were childless, now their figure is 35.6%. Among women who have made good careers, almost 70% do not have children.
It is the increase in educational level and new career opportunities for women in Europe that have led to a situation where almost every fifth woman in Germany, Italy and the Netherlands is childless by the age of 40. Moreover, the decrease in the population of Europe occurred voluntarily: millions of men and women prefer to have fewer children than necessary for population reproduction. In a 2004 opinion poll commissioned by the German magazine Eltern (Parents), 44 percent of childless men and women said they could not afford a child at the moment because they did not have a suitable partner.
Between career and motherhood, women are forced to choose a career. Social support for motherhood in Germany is very insignificant: the problem with nurseries and kindergartens, difficulties in finding a good nanny do not contribute to the desire for motherhood. The birth of the first child is now happening later than before. If in the 1960s the average age of mothers in Germany was 23 years old, now it is 26 years old. In recent years, the proportion of families in German society where children grow up with one parent, in a same-sex marriage or with parents in a common-law relationship has increased significantly.
Many marriages are at risk. Children grow up early, begin independent lives, the connection with their parents weakens, parents and children communicate less with each other, quarrel more often, and sometimes divorce after the birth of a child. Moreover, married couples divorce more often because of children than because of their absence. Women complain: “Go up to the baby five times during the night, change diapers, carry in your arms, sing a lullaby, so that the next day your husband will ask why you are in a bad mood and have no desire to have sex?” Does life with a child become richer, more meaningful, more joyful? Looks like no.
“At the age of 16, I dreamed of becoming a mother, but then it became somehow uninteresting to me, and so far. I asked myself: “Do you want to be a mother?” and answered: “No”, a 46-year-old German woman with a higher education admitted to us in an interview. (U) (Hereinafter, the characteristics of the respondents are given at the end of the article).
Without children, women and men have more time for intensive contacts with people, for self-development, and travel. You can stay late at work, you don’t need to turn to your grandmothers and aunts for help, or hire a nanny.
West Germany, with its post-industrial economy and high degree of individualism, consumerism and neoliberal values, has a higher proportion of childless women than the former GDR. There, 10 percent of women aged 40-49 do not have children, and in the western federal states - 25 percent.
Despite the fact that there is a developed sphere of paid services for expectant mothers, special yoga, auto-training, courses in balanced nutrition, preparation for childbirth, it is possible to choose a medical institution and method of childbirth (painless childbirth, water birth, joint birth, “natural birth”). , women and men in Germany are in no hurry to become parents.

Two women's stories.
To get first-hand information, we asked our German friends a few questions about motherhood. Their answers confirm the findings of demographers and sociologists.

First interview.

Was there a time when you wanted to become a mother? How did you feel?
Between the ages of 20 and 30 I thought I would have to raise children, we had three children in the family and it seemed natural. But I didn’t really want to give birth. And now I’m surprised that I myself have become like those strange old ladies without children who surprised us in childhood. However, I am different, I always have picture books, sweets and apple juice for little guests.
Since I became seriously ill, pregnancy has been impossible. Then I decided to live a lesbian life.
Probably yes.

I have much more time to take care of the garden, communicate with friends, and create art (felt, drawing). Lots of time for community service. The center of my life is now concentrated in myself, there is an opportunity to heal from the past, not to burden myself with expectations from my partner, worries about family and children. In the past, I always had to take a backseat for other people's interests. This misunderstanding of one's being as a servant needed to be rethought. To find a healthy way to serve people. First, love yourself, and then your neighbor...
What are the main obstacles to motherhood for German women and for you personally?
I think women have too high expectations for their male partners.
They wait for a guaranteed happy life until death. They want to have a safe life, making a career and raising children, and at the same time have enough money. They want a good standard of living and to take advantage of all the opportunities that life provides. In addition, they are afraid of not meeting the exaggerated demands that society and the media place on a woman as a mother. Reluctance to stay at home with a child, a poor social system for childcare and then poor chances of returning to work...
For me, motherhood has not become an important task in life. I have enough childish energy - I am a primary school teacher. This is my favorite profession, I live by it. If there were children, perhaps life would change. And now my task is to build my own life and be responsible only for it (B).

And the second interview.

At the age of 16, I decided that I would have to become a mother, like all women. Okay, I said, let there be one child. I will educate him without his father's participation. But this did not happen...
Have you ever felt discriminated against or less respected because you don't have children?
Yes, for example, in Kazakhstan, when they ask me about my family.
Do you think your professional achievements would be less if you had a child or children?
Definitely less. I most likely would not have received higher education.
What advantages do you have over women with children?
Time flexibility and mobility.
What are the main obstacles to motherhood for German women?
Lack of desire. Different distribution of responsibilities in the family, when a man is busy with work, and a woman is more involved with family.
And for you personally?
Lack of money, unstable future. And I also made a choice: to live an internal life, not an external one, to take care of work, not children. (U).

Motherhood as unpaid domestic labord.
The famous book by American feminist researcher Nancy Chodorow, “The Reproduction of Motherhood” (1978), begins with the words:

“Children are raised by a woman. In our society, as in most others, a woman not only bears and gives birth to a child, she also takes on all the responsibilities of caring for him and spends more time with children than a man. With her, the baby establishes and maintains the earliest emotional relationship. In the absence of the biological mother, she is almost always replaced by another woman rather than a man. The father and other male relatives interact with the children, but the father rarely performs the main parental responsibilities.”

This is explained by the following reasons:
“Men don’t raise children because they don’t want to raise children. (...) people in our society who have power over others refuse to perform extended parental functions. Parenting, as an unpaid occupation outside the sphere of power and money sharing, in comparison with paid work, implies a lower status, less power and a lack of control over resources. A woman’s prolonged motherhood perpetuates and maintains her relative powerlessness.”

Thus, for many women, the conscious refusal to have a (second) child is a reaction to gender asymmetry in status positions. Being a mother is an honor only among relatives, but not among professionals. If your suit was poorly sewn or your appendix was cut out unsuccessfully, you will not say about this seamstress or surgeon: “But she is a wonderful mother, and he is the father of four children.” In the sphere of professions and social achievements, the price of motherhood/parenthood is hardly commensurate with the price of skill, leadership in one’s business, and power. Famous people are judged primarily by their deeds, not by their children. It’s good when children are worthy of their parents, but if not, then there is an explanation formula: nature rests on the children of geniuses.
In the debate about gender roles and gender equality in Kazakhstan, many men and women resort to the following argumentation. A woman’s natural destiny, the main honorable role in her life, is to be a mother. If a woman gave birth and raised good children, this is much more important and useful for society than if she achieves outstanding achievements in her profession, but does not become a mother. A childless woman is an unhappy woman. A poor mother with many children from a distant village will feel sorry for a famous woman - a professional, politician, manager, who has independently achieved everything in her life, if she does not have a spouse and children.
Is the social cost of motherhood really that high in our society? And if so, why don’t all women strive to realize themselves to the best of their ability in this beautiful function “given by nature”?
As soon as questions arise about who should sacrifice their career and on what means the child will be raised, the logic of pragmatic calculation comes into force. The flair of idealized motherhood quickly disappears under the pressure of physical, monetary, space-time and other restrictions. The rational-irrational, rational-emotional, unconscious-intuitive logic of fear of motherhood comes into force.

“If, perhaps, you can give birth in your youth, well, because this is how it happened, then when some time passes, you always realize that you cannot afford it, you cannot find the time, you cannot find the opportunity or do you think that you already have some kind of health problems... The whole problem is that you are constantly afloat of life, on the wave, you are constantly moving - moving your feet, you are always walking, walking, walking ... And in this endless journey, you need to find the moment for conception, for bearing it, in order to give birth to it, in order to raise it” (R).

The reasons for fear of motherhood are varied. The main economic reasons include the following: lack of own housing, lack of living space for the birth of a second or third child, living with relatives, the need to care for sick and elderly relatives, limited means of subsistence, lack of money, etc. This also includes a woman’s reluctance to interrupt a successful career, professional growth, fear loss of job, qualifications, skill, fear of falling behind colleagues in professional development and becoming uncompetitive in a dynamically developing labor market.
Non-economic reasons for fear of motherhood - this is the absence of a partner, unmarried status and, as a result, reluctance to give birth to an illegitimate child, uncertainty in the current partner, reluctance of a partner to have a child, age on the verge of the upper limit of fertility, fear of giving birth to a defective child, fear of physical pain, fear of collision with domestic medicine, fear of not have time to put the child on his feet, give him a decent education, fear of the need to raise a boy in the current living conditions, etc. Sometimes doctors, psychologists and cosmetologists cite such reasons for the fear of motherhood as a woman’s fear of gaining weight, losing physical shape and sexuality in the eyes of her husband or partner.
Let's consider how these reasons manifest themselves in the lives of different women.

Economic barriers to desirable motherhood.

Lack of housing.
“Everything at the moment comes down to the housing issue. I’m not getting married because I don’t want to live with either his parents or my mother. But I must say that even if I had an apartment, I would have put off having a child, since I don’t have the most necessary things for a normal life - a car and furniture (RK).

Material restrictions.
In addition, the lack of money and a sense of stability in life stops me.
“It is impossible to fulfill all obligations towards a child: to provide everything necessary - good quality clothes, good toys, interesting entertainment on weekends, during vacations and vacations, sports sections and clubs, additional education - tutors, decent school and decent higher education, starting capital to start working, a separate, at least one-room apartment. I don’t want to hear from him: “Why did you give birth to me if you are so poor?” I don't want to live in the future with his family. I don’t want him to be in my situation, when you can’t start a family because your potential husband and you don’t have your own home” (RK).
An Almaty resident who left for Canada two years ago to study explains her situation:
“You have to work to feed yourself. Although in Canada there are child care organizations - the so-called. day-care, where you can leave your child for a day. Working mothers take advantage of this. But the difficulties are still very scary. I’m completely alone here and if I get ready, there will be no one to help me with the child. I’ll have to hire a nanny” (C).
It is noteworthy that women give these arguments not to justify the fear of motherhood, but the impossibility of it.

The age of the woman, the fear of not having time to put the child on her feet.
To the lack of housing and material resources is added the argument of age:
“I have turned 45 years old, so I have concerns for the health of my unborn child and my own. There may be problems with the pregnancy itself, and you may not be able to get pregnant. Although my gynecologist said that theoretically it is still possible for me to give birth. I think it would be an option for me to adopt a child” (C).
Unfortunately, not everything and does not always work out perfectly. In addition, women are afraid of the responsibility that they will have to bear until the end of their days. Women feel unprepared to take care of the baby. Responsibility for a child causes increased demands on oneself, the desire to achieve an ideal, become an exemplary mother and give the child everything that is required for a normal life.
“So I don’t associate any special hopes and aspirations with motherhood. I just want to experience motherhood physiologically, I wonder what it will be like when he moves inside you, how he takes your breast. There is no fear. What to be afraid of? I am healthy, the future father is also healthy, there is no reason to be afraid. But there is no particular desire to have it. If we succeed with the apartment in a year or two, then he will be there. If it doesn’t work out, it won’t exist. It won’t – and there’s no need! I'm not very young anyway. The child needs to be put on his feet. You can’t rely on anyone in this life, only on yourself” (RK).

The absence of a partner, a loved one with whom you would like to have a child.
This obstacle is typical mainly for unmarried women, as well as divorced and single mothers. As we approach the upper limit of fertile age, this factor becomes one of the leading ones: we have housing, work, status, health, but there is no person with whom we would like to experience the joy of motherhood.
“It doesn’t take much intelligence to give birth to an illegitimate child. I could have done this 20 years ago. But I will be ashamed in front of my parents, relatives, brothers and sister if I bring an illegitimate child... And my status as a university teacher does not allow me to do this. I’ve seen a lot of single mothers, divorced mothers and widows, and I know what it’s like to raise a child alone... No, I don’t wish that for myself. And then, probably, I’m lazy, I don’t want to do anything beyond what I already have - a separate apartment where I can do what I want: sleep to my heart’s content, lie around with a book, watch TV, don’t cook. If a child appears, my salary, which I am already paid irregularly, will not be enough at all. It’s a shame to sit on my parents’ necks at 43 years old. They already did a lot for me - they paid for the publication of a monograph, a textbook, articles...” (G).
For some women, the absence of a loved one, a reliable life partner, or at least a person with whom, even in the case of an unregistered partnership, it will be possible to maintain civilized relations, is indeed a serious obstacle.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with this desire to have a child. But he must appear somehow, he cannot materialize out of nowhere, it takes time” (R).
Here we should especially note the importance of family for a woman. Research in recent years shows that family is the most significant value in the spectrum of life values ​​of many Kazakhstanis, both women and men.

“In the conditions of modern competition, market rigidity and dynamism, the only attractive center of peace and tranquility is the family. It is in the family that communitarian values ​​are strong, from which modern society is increasingly moving away. The family is the social group where emotional closeness is strongest and identity is supported, which is less provided by the non-family sphere.”

For many women, marriage, motherhood, and family are adjacent phenomena that are not possible without each other. “Even when marriage turns out to be unlikely for a woman due to her advanced age, the issue of motherhood does not lose relevance for her and is the central and main motive in the desire to get married.”, note Z. Valitova and A. Yesimova.

To what extent does each individual woman’s desire for motherhood break down against the barrier of people’s rumors, condemnation and malice about illegitimate children? There are different opinions on this matter.
“The child must have a legitimate real father who is responsible, along with me, for the future of the child. Sooner or later, the child will be interested in the secret of his origin. Using a man as a breeder without telling him about it is very rude. If I hide the fact of conception from my father, it is immoral on my part” (A).

The opposite example is shown by the recent sensation about the pregnancy of the French Minister of Justice Rachida Dati. The pregnancy of the unmarried Dati, known for becoming the first politician of this level from an immigrant background, was the most discussed topic in September 2008. The minister refused to reveal to the press the name of the child’s father: “I have a difficult personal life, and I myself set the boundaries of what I say I won’t say anything to the press.” The German magazine “Bunte” published an article “A Child – But Who is the Father?”, in which the author names men, one of whom could be the father of the unborn child.
“I want to be very careful because it’s not completely stable yet. I'm still at risk. I am 42 years old, children have always been the main thing in my life,” the minister said. - If everything goes well, then I will be happy, I will have the impression that the job is done. If nothing works out, I will be very worried, but I will still put on lipstick and carry this burden alone. Pregnancy is not a disease, there is no reason that pregnancy would slow down or stop my work at the Department of Justice.", Rashida Dati told reporters.

The motherhood of Madame Minister is interesting in another aspect. She was born into a dysfunctional Algerian-Moroccan family with eleven children. The birth rate of the first wave of Muslim immigrants to France was three times higher than that of the native French, raising some fears that Muslims could become the majority of the European population by the end of the 21st century. But demographic history shows that these trends will not last. Fertility rates among European immigrants are also falling sharply, bringing the average immigrant family size into comparison with that of native-born Europeans. Educated, who has made a brilliant career for any woman, not just an immigrant, Rashida Dati, who at the age of 42 decided to have her first and, most likely, only child, is proof that it is difficult for a woman with children to make a career.
If this is the reaction to out-of-wedlock motherhood in a democratic, tolerant society, as the French and Germans consider themselves to be, then it is easy to imagine the excitement that motherhood without a partner causes in post-Soviet society. The fear of Kazakhstani women becomes understandable. It is not very easy to become for some time the object of close attention, the subject of lively discussion, and sometimes even condemnation.

Fear for the future of a child – a boy
Kazakhs generally believe that a boy will achieve more in life than a girl. Only his family circle of responsibilities is extensive: he is the breadwinner of his family, a support in old age for his parents, a support for his brothers and sisters, and, importantly, he is a son-in-law who needs to fulfill the duties of serving his wife’s relatives. In addition, he must prove himself in his work and succeed professionally. Therefore, women experience a certain fear for the future of their sons.

“It’s very difficult to raise normally. You can’t protect yourself from the street” (RK).
“When it became clear that we were having a girl, my heart literally jumped for joy. There are so many problems with the boy! Street, hooligan or victim of hooligans, army, alcohol, drugs. The most important thing is that I won’t be a mother-in-law. And mother-in-law is so much fun! Look how many jokes loving sons-in-law make up!” (F).

They say that grandchildren are many times sweeter than their own children. Their appearance brings many bright shades to the picture of female and family happiness. And of course, worries about their future cause grandmothers to have extremely strong worries that are incomparable to worries about their own children. The opinion of a Russian grandmother regarding her future grandson is typical.
“In our time, it is very difficult to raise a real man, only if there is something necessary in him at the genetic level. What is education like these days? If you raise a noble, honest, kind person, he will be lost in life. Raise him smart and strong - the road to the mafia. With a pure heart, he will marry a prostitute and drink out of grief. And hazing in the army! In general - joy for six years, and then only problems. I’m afraid for the baby’s future: how everything will turn out in adolescence - so that he doesn’t grow up to be a hooligan, but not a sucker either. And cannon fodder!!! What other squabble can our Kremlin geniuses get involved in? Fear of whether we are doing everything right now. Is he getting everything he needs? (M).

Kazakh grandmothers also testify no less eloquently to their fear for the boys. One example is a lyrical letter from our colleague.
“My grandson is now three months old. When my daughter brings the phone to him, and he so tenderly, in a thin voice, babbles “agu-agu,” my heart skips a beat from tenderness and concern from his helplessness and absolute purity.
And I start to think about his future. That all this absolute bliss and unconditional spirituality of a newborn will disappear before our eyes as he socializes, grows up and is raised, the so-called adaptation to the social, generally accepted. I don't want this, I'm afraid of this.
Pictures of his maturation appear before my eyes, I see him coarsened, harsh, adapted to life, assertive, manipulative. I'm terrified. I will never allow myself to break our spiritual, emotional intimacy and connection with him. Contrary to the situation when, according to the observation and analysis of feminist researchers, a mother alienates her son from herself at the age of 12, preparing him for a male, masculine world, I will never allow the situation of us being separated from him. And then my imagination paints a picture of a soft, gentle good boy, defenseless against the harshness of the inhabitants, who demand from everyone living adaptability, practicality and contribution to the general treasury of survival, a kind of usefulness and profitability of a member of the community who earns their daily bread by labor, sweat, “blood” , acumen, impudence, rigidity and severity of the truth of life.
And again I am overcome with concern for my grandson. We don’t invent this world, but then who? And in connection with this a question arises. When we theorize the problem of gender roles, what image of a man, from the point of view of the ideal, do we draw? How should it fit into this world, and how many resources do we have to change this world?
My son-in-law gets up at night and nurses his son, speaks tenderly to him, and just like his mother, puts him on her chest, together with my daughter they admire their son, and this already gives me hope that my grandson will receive something else from them, besides rigidly oriented gender socialization. And then the girls who have not yet been born and who are so anxiously awaited or planned by their mothers and fathers will not have to raise their hands and defend themselves against my grandson, because he will be loving, gentle and will be able to show his essence “from God”, which is so obvious now, at three months old, and not the socialized manipulation of life, people, women and, by and large, himself” (MU).

As they say, comments are unnecessary. Fear for the future of a child can be a cause of fear of motherhood, or older motherhood, i.e. role of grandmother. As women age, they develop a special hypersensitivity to the pain of their children and grandchildren. What is not noticed by young parents can be acutely experienced and predicted by their mothers. And the statements of both women – living in Kazakhstan and Russia – eloquently confirm this.

Physiological reasons.

Along with the economic and psychological reasons for the fear of motherhood, there are reasons of a natural biological nature associated with physiology, a low threshold of pain sensitivity, and fear of the first birth, reinforced by constant warnings, reminders and advice from older women.

Fear of pain. Fear of birth trauma. Fear of giving birth to a defective child.

“I'm expecting a baby. I am very afraid for myself and for the child. Wild fear. I'm afraid of everything. Even when the baby moves, anxiety still exists. After an ultrasound, it was determined that there was no threat of giving birth to Down, and I began to worry about something else: what would the baby’s intracranial pressure be like? With our ecology, poor quality nutrition, and stress, you will just give birth to an unknown animal” (F).

This woman's great-grandmother gave birth to her first child in a wild field - she went with a bag to collect dung, and returned with her son, wrapping him in her underwear. The child survived and lived in labor and care until he was 99 years old, and his mother lived until she was 102 years old.
Russian women have similar feelings and fears:
“I was afraid of a lot.
1) I was afraid of an unsuccessful birth with a tragic outcome. It is very rare, but the death of the mother during childbirth does occur.
2) I was afraid of birth trauma and deformity of the baby (there are also examples).
3) I was afraid of the negligence of doctors, their absence at the most inopportune moment
4) They didn’t know which maternity hospital to go to, whether to pay quite a lot of money - one and a half thousand euros and have the guaranteed presence of doctors, or to rely on fate and spend the money on things necessary for the baby. In the end, we found a cheaper option, about a thousand dollars” (M).

Fear of collision with domestic medicine.
A mother of two adult children recalls:

“I had no idea that childbirth was such a difficult thing. My first pregnancy was easy, I was pregnant until the last day. But the state of our medicine and attitude towards women is so disgusting! My labor was rapid, when I raised my voice, asked to be looked at, they rudely shut me up, in the end, I had to give birth “dry”, they started yelling at me not to rush. If a normal obstetrician had treated him from the very beginning, everything would have gone well, but here the child had to be resuscitated. Fortunately, a knowledgeable midwife arrived, if not for her, I would not have had a daughter.
Of course, after that I was afraid of getting pregnant. They had a second child when their daughter was six years old. And again the same story: rudeness and ignorance of the medical staff. My son managed to dislocate his arm.
It’s difficult to predict what will happen to me with my grandchildren, I’m afraid that I won’t get to see them at all...” (N).

And here is the opinion of the expectant mother:
“Friends generously share their experiences. After this you don’t expect anything good from life! Every visit to the doctor is a discovery, most often not very pleasant. Doctors like to say all sorts of nasty things. Doctors also like to receive gifts. After each visit, you rush into the depths of the Internet to get rid of another phobia. But life and the doctor throws another one...
I also know that indestructible staphylococci swarm in maternity hospitals, and the medical staff doesn’t give a damn about you, especially if you get there on holidays or weekends; they also don’t like to have their night’s sleep disturbed. Maybe I’ll be a little luckier than my friends?” (F.).
Maybe the reason for justified and unfounded fears is that women know too much? The desire to have a child, to take care of him, to feed him, to cuddle such a dear little body, feeling his warmth, inhaling his special indescribable “childish” smell - what, it would seem, could be more beautiful in this world! Yes, pregnancy is not only a great joy, but also a huge challenge. And not only from a physiological point of view, but also much more from a psychological point of view. If before pregnancy a woman could control her bad mood and easily get rid of it, now it is not easy to get rid of melancholy and fears. After all, all these nine months should be truly happy.

The excess mortality of men as one of the factors of fear of motherhood.

As noted above, one of the reasons for the fear of motherhood is the absence of a spouse or partner.
“In Almaty, the female preponderance is 135 thousand people - this is the population of a regional city like Taldykorgan. What does this lead to? Moreover, it is difficult for women, especially in childbearing age - healthy, beautiful women, to marry, that is, literally no one. This narrows population reproduction. In addition, there are economic factors: if in active age the excess mortality rate of men is several times higher than the mortality rate of women, we have enormous economic damage. You see, if a crane operator dies on a construction site, the entire construction site stops, but if, for example, a hairdresser dies, well, the queue may increase by two clients.”

The explanation of the famous demographer M. Tatimov sounds, on the one hand, convincing, but on the other, gender incorrect: according to this logic, the cost of male physical labor is higher than the cost of female labor, depending on the scope of its application. For demography, every person should be valuable as the father or mother of future citizens.
The lowest childbearing rate in Kazakhstan was in 1999 with a coefficient of 1.85. Now it has risen to 2.5, and among Kazakh women to 2.75, which is much higher than the Norwegian figure. However, an alarming trend in recent years has become a large preponderance of boys over girls in childhood: 1050 – 1060 boys per 1000 girls, with a statistical norm of 1025 per 1000. The reason for this is parents’ preference for sons.
“At an early stage of pregnancy, parents recognize the sex of the child and, having learned that it is a girl, many go for an abortion. That's why so many boys are born. Even with in vitro conception, many people want twins and triplets to be born.”

So, we can say that at certain moments in her life a woman does not want to give birth to a child, not out of selfishness, as demographers say, and not out of poverty, as economists think, but due to many other, more complex and personal reasons.
Naturally, the fear of motherhood can manifest itself differently in relation to the first, second child and subsequent children. If a young couple can be stopped from giving birth to their first child by lack of housing, studying at a university, job uncertainty, unstable earnings, then a woman aged 40, if she is independent and wealthy, is more likely to be stopped by uncertainty in her partner, the lack of a relationship from which she could followed by the birth of a child, concerns about a career and one’s reputation, reluctance to upset parents, hopes of getting married, lack of time for a personal life, or other obstacles. Moreover, there is an opinion, especially among men, that if a woman did not become a mother in her youth, “it means that at one time she herself did not want to. She made her own verdict. She can take the children to be raised by her older brother” (opinion of a married Kazakh).
Sometimes being more picky is harmful, women say. Both inflated demands and expectations placed on a life partner, as well as a certain indecision, timidity, and obedience can become obstacles to both marriage and motherhood.
A woman's age can either aggravate or alleviate her fear of motherhood. As they say, everything is very individual. For a married woman, reaching the age of 40 and above can be both a signal to say goodbye to the dream of motherhood and an intensification of reproductive behavior.
“Today’s baby boom is mainly due to delayed births, due to women in their 30s and 40s. Women who at one time were unable to give birth or bear it, fearing various chronic diseases, are now trying to make up for lost time and give birth, at least for themselves. There is still a fashion for later births, which is also good...”, says demographer M. Tatimov.

Thus, the upper limit of fertile age is not always accompanied by fear of motherhood. In middle-class families, there is a tendency to have children, if they are girls, before the appearance of a son, so to speak, “until the bitter end.” There are examples of families with three daughters and a younger son. Co-owner of Kazkommertsbank Nurzhan Subkhanberdin, included in Forbes magazine's list of the richest people on the planet, is the father of six daughters from one wife.
Often the impossibility of motherhood is caused by the woman’s health condition. She may have primary or secondary infertility, she may undergo treatment for years, try to get pregnant in vitro, turn to official and traditional medicine, conspiracies, etc. In this situation, it is more logical to talk about the absence of fear of motherhood. Especially if the husband/partner shares with the woman the psychological stress, emotional stress, daily worries and economic costs of achieving the desired birth of a child.

Fear of motherhood = fear of fatherhood?

“A man’s fear of fatherhood is associated only with responsibility. A child is the final completion of one’s own childhood. And the joy of fatherhood is associated mainly with the mother of the unborn child. If you love her, you want a child from her, you transfer your love to the child. If you are worried about her, you are afraid for the child. If she waits with trepidation for his appearance, you wait for company” (I).

It is difficult to say how similar the fear of motherhood is to the fear of fatherhood in men.
On the one hand, male reproductive behavior in Kazakhstan, as in many countries of traditional culture, is characterized by the desire to have a son or several sons as successors to the family name. A son and his children are a man’s pride. Traditionally, grandchildren from a daughter in a Kazakh family are considered less related; compared to grandchildren from a son, they receive less affection and care from their grandfather. In this sense, the trend of delayed births, motherhood at the age of 40 and older, is a desire to give the husband a desired son, and for oneself, the woman, to receive an object of care, love and consolation for the coming decades of declining reproductive function. This phenomenon is sometimes called "toying for old age." Thus, men are not driven by the fear of fatherhood, but, on the contrary, by the desire to have children, especially in adulthood, when it is “time to collect stones.”
On the other hand, it would also be wrong to deny the presence of pragmatism and calculation in the reproductive attitudes of men. Like women, men have protective reflexes at different periods of their lives: lack of housing, funds for education, advanced age, fear of not having time to put the child on his feet and provide an education. There are also doubts about the longevity of the relationship with a woman, whether she will take the child or give birth to it for herself, using the man as a supplier of genetic material. Single fathers are a rare phenomenon in our society, and it is even more rare to hear about a man’s desire to raise a child without a mother. An example is the following confession of a young man:

“At one time, when I was younger and dumber, I thought about having a child for myself out of wedlock. Now, seeing my friends who are single parents, I understand that a child needs both parents, the care and love of both parents. Therefore, I am against a child out of wedlock, born exclusively for oneself. In general, the expression “a child for himself” is fundamentally wrong. Rather, “you are for the child.”
And also, you can’t have a child in old age, when you’re not sure that you’ll have time to put him on his feet. You don’t have to rely on society, the state, or relatives. Parents should give their child everything: a good education, tutors, clubs, sections, music, trips, a comfortable home, and a friendly environment” (FI).

Education, standard of living and ethnic differences.
To summarize what has been said, it can be argued that unrealized first and second motherhood significantly affects the perception of a woman’s life, the feeling of the fullness of being, the joy of being a woman. Neither material well-being, nor a measured, well-functioning rhythm of life, nor success in the studies and development of an existing child, nor, say, the joy of marriage, can make up for this completeness.
The next question we posed at the beginning of the article was: Is it true that the higher the standard of living in a society, the more likely women are to experience fear of motherhood, while in countries with a low level of human development, women do not have such fear?
Let's start with the fact that in both economically developed and poor countries, women with secondary, specialized or incomplete higher education and with a lower income level are more likely and earlier to begin having children than women from wealthy strata and with higher education. “Higher education is the best contraceptive,” they joke bitterly in Germany. It turns out that as a woman’s income and social aspirations increase, her reproductive readiness decreases. Consequently, the fear of motherhood develops gradually, and the higher the income, the better the professional growth, the less the woman is ready to take time away from work for motherhood. And vice versa, the lower the chances of expressing oneself in a profession, the sooner a girl and woman will turn to the role of a mother in order to find meaning, joy, and justification for her own existence.
This issue also has such an aspect as excessive love of children, a woman’s excessive emphasis on her maternal role.
Excessive love for a child leads to the fact that children are pampered, a son is nurtured as a little prince, and a daughter is a princess, excessive pranks are allowed, requests are not limited, and as a result, spoiled children who have not known rigor become unbearable both for those around them and for themselves myself. “A child’s needs exist so that their parents satisfy them,” says one young Almaty resident.
The fear of motherhood can be considered in parallel with the concept of the fear of producing poverty.
“My friend is from a large family, he is the eldest in the family, so, apparently, he has already seen enough, he does not want to create poverty. He only agrees to one child. He says he won't be surprised if he doesn't. So we are unanimous on this issue. All his life he had to limit himself in everything because of his numerous brothers and sisters, I also didn’t grow up alone, I was the last, wearing old clothes after my sisters. We have the right to live for ourselves. The child will appear if everything goes well. And if luck lingers a little, then no children. My husband and I will give each other a glass of water sometime...” (RK).
This common expression easily comes off the lips of those who talk about demography and poverty or answer the question of sociologists about the necessary and desired number of children. A study by Z. Valitova and A. Yesimova in the south of Kazakhstan showed that “ideas about the ideal number of children in a family are greater than the number of children they plan to have.” Thus, women under 30 years of age in three regions of southern Kazakhstan have an average of 1.5 children per family, women under 39 years of age – 2.5, women over 40 years of age – 3.5 children. And the number of desired children for these cohorts looks like this: 4.5 children; 5 children and 5 children. One of the reasons for this situation is the fear of motherhood for economic reasons.
To what extent are the ethnic characteristics of a family’s childhood in Kazakhstan related to the fear of motherhood, that is, is it possible to say that the fear of motherhood is more present among the Russian part of the population than among the Kazakh part of the population, and in the north of Kazakhstan more than in the south? Obviously, there is such a connection. Lower childbearing rates in the north of the country and a large proportion of out-of-wedlock births in the Russian population group are an axiom of Kazakh demography. Thus, with the average total fertility rate in the country in 2007 being 2.47, in the Kostanay region with a predominance of Russians it was 1.54, in the North Kazakhstan region - 1.61, and in the South Kazakhstan region, where the Kazakh population predominates, this figure is 3.64, in Kzylorda - 3.34.
On the one hand, Russian and Slavic women are less inclined to give birth to unplanned children, and at the same time, they are more courageous in giving birth to children outside of a registered marriage.
And the last question that we set ourselves the goal of answering in this article. What is the relationship between consumerism as one of the values ​​of modern life and the fear of motherhood among middle-class women? Is it possible to derive a pattern: the higher a woman’s consumer standard, the less inclined she is to spend her money on having and raising another child? Here, in our opinion, there is no direct cause-and-effect relationship. The nature of everyday consumption is associated with the level and quality of life, this is a fact, but in the conditions of the economic, financial and mortgage crisis felt in Kazakhstan since September 2007, we can talk about women’s reproductive attitudes taking into account their resources for survival.
Motherhood and family have been and remain one of the basic constants in the lives of women, giving them in this world of anxiety and instability both a sense of support, protection, satisfaction, and constant anxiety for the future of children, responsibility for the normal course of social life and peace.

Ronsen M. Fertility and family policy in Norway: reflections on trends and possible connections. Per. from English Internet address: http://demoscope.ru/weekly/2007/0285/analit02.php Accessed 11/22/08
See: http://demoscope.ru/weekly/2008/0351/barom04.php
See: Shakirova S.M., Toktybaeva K.A. Motherhood as a factor in women’s viability // Woman’s gender. Almaty: Center for Gender Research. 2000. S.s. 55-69; Shakirova S.M., Toktybaeva K.A. Women's dimension of human rights in Kazakhstan. Center for Gender Research - Almaty, 2001; Voices of passing generations (analysis of women's biographies). Center for Gender Research - Almaty, 2002; Shakirova S.M. Women.SU – Women.KZ: features of the transition // Gender: traditions and modernity. Ed. S. Kasymova. Dushanbe, 2005. pp. 92-135.
Hauptsache, ein Kind // Brigitte N20, 9.9.2008. S.100-107.
I'm looking for a partner to have a child. Translated from German: Mira Gaevich. "Berliner Zeitung", January 12, 2005
http://demoscope.ru/weekly/2005/0187/gazeta014.php (The article was available on December 22, 2008)
Respondents whose statements are cited in the article:
A: Kazakh woman, 37 years old, married, two children, accountant, Almaty.
G: Kazakh woman, 43 years old, unmarried, no children, university teacher, Shymkent.
MU: Kazakh, 43 years old, unmarried, one daughter, grandson, PhD, Almaty.
N: Russian, 44 years old, married, two children, Almaty.
R: Kazakh, 35 years old, unmarried, journalist, Almaty.
RK: Kazakh, 35 years old, single, higher education, teacher, Almaty.
S: Russian, 45 years old, journalist, Almaty, currently lives in Canada.
M: Estonian, 62 years old, married, two daughters, grandson, university teacher, St. Petersburg.
W: German woman, 46 years old, unmarried, no children, program coordinator at a women's educational center, Lower Saxony, Germany.
B: German, 46 years old, unmarried, no children, teacher, Cologne, Germany.
F: Kazakh, 32 years old, married, higher education, Almaty.
FI: Russian, 23 years old, not married, no children, psychologist, Almaty.
Me: Kazakh, 32 years old, married, no children, programmer, Almaty.

In Germany, the number of women deliberately refusing motherhood is growing http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,3011129,00.html
Chodorow N. Reproduction of motherhood: psychoanalysis and sociology of gender / trans. from English - M.: ROSSPEN, 2006. P.8
Ibid., s.s. 43-44
Valitova Z., Yesimova A. Analysis of the reproductive behavior of women and men in the south of Kazakhstan//Gender Research. Regional anthology of research from eight CIS countries. M., 2006. P. 397
Bunte, N 38, 11.9.2008, S.51
We took the Sivka down steep hills. Makash Tatimov: In Kazakhstan, the difference in life expectancy between the stronger and weaker sex is as much as eleven years.” 09/12/2008. http://www.zakon.kz/our/news/news.asp?id=30203947
Right there.
Right there.
Valitova Z., Yesimova A. Analysis of reproductive behavior of women and men in the south of Kazakhstan // Gender Research. Regional anthology of research from eight CIS countries. M., 2006. Ps. 399-400.

About the authors:
Shakirova Svetlana Makhmutovna – PhD in Philosophy, Director of the Center for Gender Research in Almaty.
Toktybaeva Karlygash Abdrakhmanovna – philologist-Germanist, employee of the Center for Gender Studies in Almaty.

When preparing the material, information from the site was used -

week, 24 September, 2016

A child is a new life, so it is not surprising that its birth often causes fear in people. After all, something new is always something unknown, and even more so when it comes to a new life.

Extreme case

Fear of motherhood and fatherhood is expressed by future parents to varying degrees and can take extreme forms. Some are afraid of large financial costs, others are frightened by the very thought of the loud screams of a crying child. In psychiatry there is even a diagnosis of “pedophobia”, which means a strong unconscious fear of small children. It happens that the fear of becoming a parent appears due to various medical diagnoses or illnesses experienced in childhood, which form the psychological attitude “I can’t have a child.” Moreover, very often such an attitude has no real medical contraindications and turns out to be far-fetched.

Sometimes the fear of becoming parents is just a convenient excuse if a person does not intend to build a serious relationship and start a family. In extreme cases, fear of motherhood and fatherhood leads to a conscious refusal to have children and the emergence of the childfree philosophy.

In most cases, the real fear of becoming a mother or father is caused by ordinary anxiety and worry due to the changes in life that the birth of a child inevitably brings.

Why are we afraid to have children?

“Before my son was born, I had a very strong fear of motherhood. I was afraid of losing my job, being left without a livelihood, afraid of a painful birth and being left alone with the child. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to cope with my mother’s heap of responsibilities, I was afraid I would stop being interesting to my husband, spending days on end within four walls,” recalls Darina. Her story is very typical for many girls and women, as the main common fears of motherhood are evident.

Fear of change

Childbirth means a change in lifestyle, which is why it frightens expectant mothers and fathers. For a father, the changes associated with the birth of a child are, as a rule, not as significant as for a woman, but they are also often very painful. The fear of trying on the role of parents is caused by the reluctance to give up life only for oneself, usual pleasures or freedom. In addition to fear of the unknown, there is also fear of responsibility.

Fear of pregnancy

Due to the fact that pregnancy in humans is a rather long and difficult process, expecting a child is associated with concerns about the health of mother and baby. In addition, for many women, the fear of pregnancy is explained by the fact that they are afraid of losing attractiveness in the eyes of the man they love, gaining excess weight, or getting diseases (for example, varicose veins) that spoil not only their health, but also their appearance.

Fear for career and financial situation

The birth and upbringing of a child means one of the parents going on maternity leave and temporary loss of ability to work (or inviting a nanny to the family), but it also requires material expenses. Therefore, it is not surprising that such a contradiction frightens and forces many to postpone the birth of a child until “better times.” Which, as we know, exist only in our imagination.

Fear for the relationship with the father (mother) of the unborn child

The arrival of a new person in the family radically changes roles and creates additional tension in relationships. In addition to additional mutual claims, a woman may have a fear of being abandoned, a fear of being left alone with a child, and a man may have jealousy of the child and fear of ceasing to be the center of the universe for his beloved.

Fear of childbirth

There is nothing to talk about easy births, so they mostly talk about difficult ones. This is why in the minds of many people childbirth is associated with severe pain and inhuman suffering. In addition to the fear of physical pain, which only a woman experiences during childbirth, both parents have a fear of an unsuccessful birth with all that it entails for the health of the mother and child.

Fear of being a bad mom (dad)

The appearance of a little person in the house poses a lot of unfamiliar tasks for parents, which they have no experience in solving. It is not surprising that even the thought of such great responsibility for the life and well-being of a child frightens future parents. They often worry not only about sleepless nights and childhood illnesses, but also about the fact that they can harm the baby: they will not be able to hold the child correctly or, for example, protect them from burns and falls.

Fear has big eyes, which is why couples so often put off having a child until later. But it is worth remembering that a child is not only the end of an old life, but the beginning of a new one. What it will be like depends on our perception and mood. Already established parents know that there is nothing beyond a person’s strength in motherhood and fatherhood. The eyes are afraid, but the hands are doing.