We often meet people who are depressed almost all the time. No matter what they do, everything turns out wrong. Often they are humiliated or circumstances are such that they have to endure. They are very vulnerable and often susceptible to outside influence. The answer to this question will be given by an article that will tell you why people experience these situations.
The feeling of fatigue that constantly accumulates in our lives over the years is more and more like tightly packed luggage that is scary to open - you can’t pack it back as it was, and the final destination of the journey is still far away. And we live with this feeling as if it were our due, not realizing the natural uninvitedness of such a neighborhood.Every year we acquire new worries, new problems and we no longer distinguish which of them are ours and which ones we have shouldered through our sacrificially naive carelessness. Over time, apathy grows with the growing feeling of fatigue and soon the cute laziness, whether we like it or not, increasingly lingers in our lives as an uninvited guest, occupying useful living space in cozy, uninvited company.
This intrusive proximity bothers us, but we tolerate it, because kicking us out is bad manners. This is how we were taught, we have to be patient. But no one ever explained why and what exactly we should tolerate and what we should drive out of the yard and slam the gates. There comes a time when what was recently given and done easily is now a feat according to schedule.
Of course, everything can be attributed to age, workload and other superficial reasons. It may seem to us that some event, some person, some circumstances are to blame. But in fact, the reason is much deeper. After all, before there were also troubles, misunderstandings, disappointments and defeats. One of the beautiful features of our life is that they always exist, at any stage of our life - they are part of our experience, which is especially vivid in contrasts. But now it seems to us that before we had more strength, we were younger, more carefree, etc. To some extent - yes. But an important component of this magical “before” was actually that we were actively learning about OUR life.
Yes, there have always been those who constantly and systematically intervened in it, who stubbornly insisted on certain postulates, given standards, rules and diversity of “dos and don’ts.” We are accustomed to boundaries and limitations to a much greater extent than to our own path, responsibility for it, our decisions, and for setting life priorities. In reality, our annoying “companions” are not evil that needs to be fought.
More precisely... there is no need to fight them. Yes, there is no typo or typo here. This is the same as removing symptoms without eliminating the cause of the disease. All our medicine is symptomatic. Yes, no one actually treats anyone, they relieve obvious, painful symptoms, but no one treats the cause. Our medicine cuts a person into parts and does not consider him as a holistic, unified being, where everything is interconnected with everything else and does not exist separately.
It's the same with our life. Without searching for the causes, relieving symptoms is only a temporary measure, so do not be surprised by the quick return of “old friends”. Our body is very wise, it is a finely tuned mechanism that has its own extensive signaling system, which is always tuned to us and our needs, unlike us, unfortunately, we are tuned to anything and anyone, but not to ourselves, our body and internal balance.
We lose and exchange ourselves easily and carelessly. Constant fatigue, apathy, laziness and depression are a protective reaction of the body that signals that... you are NOT living your life. The atavistic paradox of human nature is that people live someone else’s life more willingly than their own, inventing for themselves (or already accepting someone else’s) good reasons for this. But - without supporting any reason in favor of your own, one and only life. For your own benefit. Aligning your priorities for anyone and anything, just not for yourself. Selflessly sacrificing yourself, your life “in the name of”, “for”, “because”, “but I can’t do otherwise”... - this is just a game of hide and seek with your life, which inexorably turns into a conveyor of cliches, norms, dogmas, programs, stereotypes, other people's opinions and reactions, fears, inertia and... the eternal search. But there is no need to look for anything, everything is in ourselves.
It is enough to show respect and attention to yourself, do not be afraid to ask about your needs, take time for yourself, your abandoned, suppressed, hidden emotions and desires, do not be afraid to make a choice, do not hesitate to defend your opinion, show your feelings, insist on your own, that , what is right and necessary for yourself, hear your inner voice, see the numerous signs and signals that are constantly present around you. Scary? Yes, it's scary.
It is scary to take into account yourself more than to take others into account. From early childhood, we were diligently instilled with precise postulates of what is permitted, which we selflessly and consistently instilled further in our children. We are accustomed to the feeling of numerous frames and restrictions.
Their sudden disappearance can cause attacks of panic: “What should we do now?” How to live with this ability to be free?... Our criteria of life, concepts, perceptions and ideas are, of course, important and necessary, but if you observe children without prejudice, you understand how many of them are artificially created, acquired unconditionally, undeniably and have grown into our lives, into our cells and atoms.
We feel uncomfortable, but we bend, push ourselves under them, because “everyone lives like this” or we just want to correspond to these “everyone”, because we were taught to “conform”, but were not taught to resist, were not instilled with the skills and abilities to be ourselves, they were not taught to love, they were not told about the power and goodness of love, about honor and self-esteem, which should be one of the main measures of our actions. Because the ability to respect oneself gives rise to the ability to respect in a person, as a principle of interaction in society.
Time is changing, it requires us, our changes, our dynamism, our participation, and we... do not have time. We are mired in other people's lives, we have taken upon ourselves a lot of far-fetched, our own and not our own problems and tasks; for a long time we have not distinguished where our experience, lesson, our situation is, and where it is someone else's. We excel in the skills of immersion and bogging down, we skillfully block and slow down ourselves and just as skillfully others.
- We “hang” on conflicting environments and feelings within us - inherent, natural input and acquired, forced data.
And then we wait and suffer when someone comes and restarts, reboots our “system”, being habitually oriented towards expecting something from someone, or from something - an amazing miracle, while continuing to invariably live in a crystallized, but in an “appropriate”, “like everyone else’s” way of life, supporting their lives with other people’s crutches. We were carefully and skillfully instilled with many lengthy judgments about “egoism”, sweeping under it everything that is not herd, everything that is not “like people”, not “like everyone else”, depersonalizing and devaluing a person in front of himself and his own, unique life. Because it’s so convenient for the masses, so convenient for those who control them, so convenient for everyone who is used to manipulating, everyone who is used to shifting responsibility onto other people’s shoulders, who likes to be significant at someone else’s expense, who has a lot of ambitions and a minimum of productive and creative deeds.
This is convenient for those who have more claims and consumerism than respect and giving, who glorify unfreedom and are proud of their devotion to ever-changing values and dogmas, unspoken fears and poorly hidden dependence on other people’s opinions and judgment of the faceless “what people will say.” The word “egoism” itself has long gained multitasking popularity for its vagueness, substitutable flexibility and highly adaptive ability to integrate into any uncomfortable form of behavior that violates the usual way of life.
And those few who decide to live their own lives, who suddenly, having realized the value and primary significance of their lives, decide, make the choice to find themselves in their own lives - do not go unnoticed by the watchful, withering eye of the “righteous public”, are angrily condemned, as if it were directly their personal, bloody matter, a personal insult, a slap in the face of their social “normality”.
How many people can say that they feel, what they were born for, that they do what they do, love what they do, who find satisfaction and joy in their world? How many people are filled with their own life, how many joyful and positive people? How many people are there who don’t need surrogate drivers for their implementation? How many are able to remain themselves, be sincere, be friendly? How many are able to distinguish between the beneficially instilled sacrifice and the pure call of the heart?
How many distinguish where they are technically used, and they condone this, and where - this is their sincere choice, in which case it does not deplete or take away strength, because pure intention is always replenished and supported from Above, does not steal our strength, but only strengthens them? How many people enter relationships with the intention of giving rather than receiving? And how many are able to give without presenting dividends for their “works”? But these are the people who are most feared and shunned. These are the people who are protected the least.
It is precisely these people who are easy to hurt, because their openness is attractive and reveals frailty, fed by the conveyor belt qualities of an obedient crowd. But these are the people everyone expects in their lives and are afraid to be such themselves. So where can they come from if they don’t become those desired, warm, needed, loving, sincere, brave, capable of respecting themselves, and therefore their neighbors?... Scary? Why? After all, how quickly can the world, which everyone blames and curses, be transformed if at the same time, at least 20% of the conscious population of the planet wants in themselves - not in someone else! - bright changes.
They will decide to shine and not block the light, to give at least as much as they consume, to be grateful, able to love and not hide their feelings, not to be afraid to make a choice, to value and respect themselves and their life more than they are able to value and respect it other.
Your life is a Gift. A gift to you. Are you pleased when your sincere, heartfelt gift, which you carefully and reverently selected for a specific person, after a very short time... is given by him to another? I have never met such a person. But that's what you do with your life. And what happens? Few people understand what to do with their lives, their
A gift, and how to use it intelligently and fully, and here you also gave him your life, pathetically sacrificing it. He doesn’t know what to do on his own, and even more so what to do with your “victim.” And if she does know, then she will certainly find it not yours, but her own understanding and use. But in the end, you accuse the “generously gifted” person of you of a non-existent crime, and cannot forgive him for not appreciating your gift and not being grateful.
Sorry... but you just got rid of your life by placing it on top of someone else's life. Everyone, I emphasize this word - everyone - is given life, their own, unique life! Not for “re-gifting”. Everyone has this gift. Everyone is given their own unique characteristics, their own unique tools for realizing their life path, their goals and objectives. But as soon as we gain access to conscious existence, we very quickly, according to a well-established pattern, along a given trajectory, completely voluntarily “write out an indulgence” for our life, selflessly donating it to someone who is equally generously gifted from Above, the same as Each of us has a single, unique life, with our own unique experience, unique tasks, characteristics, physical, psycho-emotional, spiritual.
We have become so successful in this irresponsibility for our lives that we nurture and glorify this imaginary, albeit completely voluntary, sacrifice, while demanding a return bonus, gratitude, attention and approval for it. But in fact, 90% of the generally accepted demands for sacrifice or its demonstration are typical escape. From yourself, your life and the realization of your potential. Yes, someone was born to sacrifice themselves and their lives, selflessly and selflessly. And such people make history, even as a small drop in the ocean, regardless of whether history knows about them or not. Because true, sincere sacrifice does not require recognition from the crowd and a name carved through the ages as a reward. This is the feeling of your path exactly like this. Live your life, you were born for this.
No one came here by mistake, whether their life makes sense to you or not, and whether it fits into your idea of what someone's life should be like or not. Everyone has something that is unique to him, and only he can weave his unique thread into the universal fabric. Do not tangle the threads, do not weave knots, do not create jams and redrawn, patched scars.
No matter how scary you are, no matter how confusing and incomprehensible everything seems in your life or with your life, you have two invaluable, reliable, finely tuned tools. Heart. Your most faithful friend, your intuition, conscience and advisor.If you don’t know what to do, how to act, pay attention to how you feel about it. The solution will be on the surface. It's a matter of small things - your readiness and determination. Sincerity. Sincerity is the best measure, the most reliable indicator.
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We all want to live the life of our dreams, full of freedom and pleasure. However, at some point a person agrees to a logical and realistic existence, which is talked about by parents, others and the media. He begins to follow other people's attitudes, fulfilling the average life scenario, rather than building his own, unique and interesting. It is never too late to change the course of events, the main thing is to want change.
We are in website We have collected warning signs that indicate that you are not living your life, and recommendations on how to change this right now.
1. You feel like criticizing other people.
Are you annoyed by your former classmate who decided to change her profession and has already achieved great success without a specialized education? Or a friend who suddenly became a blogger and now travels constantly and is recognized on the streets?
Such irritation often hides envy, and envy is born from a feeling of one’s own unfulfillment and confusion. This doesn't necessarily mean that you want to become a blogger or freelancer yourself. There is a general irritation that other people have found their path in life, achieved success and are enjoying life. But for some reason you don’t.
2. You're bored
Are you bored at work, are you bored when surrounded by friends, does boredom overcome you even on vacation? Feeling bored is a sure sign that you are not reaching your full potential. You simply haven’t identified your interests and chosen your true path in life. And the interests of the people around you do not suit you, because of this you are bored with them.
3. The enthusiasm of others irritates or makes you sad
In a job you don’t like, sooner or later your colleagues and boss will start to annoy you, you’ll lose the desire to work in a team or complete tasks, and uninteresting friends will start to cause aggression. After all, apathy and lack of interest in others result in anger, suffering, anxiety and melancholy due to the impossibility of achieving what is planned or desired in life.
4. You feel like everything is going wrong.
There are times when everything you undertake fails, expectations are not met and desires do not come true. However, if this period has dragged on, you need to think about it. Some would call this a black streak, but in reality this is a sign that it's time to change your life.
When a person begins to do what he sincerely loves, creates a life that brings him pleasure, everything goes easier. The right people appear, plans are implemented.
5. You prefer to follow a confusing path to success.
If, when you want to change your profession or move to another country, in your thoughts you begin to construct a multi-stage and complex path leading to achieving your goal, this is a sure sign that you are not living your life.
9. Status and money are your main criteria for success.
Money is necessary for life, and praise from colleagues and loved ones is important for self-esteem. However, for people who have chosen someone else’s life scenario, formal achievements become the main criterion for success and bring the greatest joy.
They need luxury goods, expensive travel, and high salaries to make them envious in the eyes of others. People who have found their way also need money and praise, but this is not enough for them to satisfy themselves: the desire to realize their abilities and goals comes to the fore.
10. You have an addiction
Do you find yourself calming down and feeling better after a box of donuts or a couple glasses of wine? Addiction to food, alcohol, television or shopping is a sure sign that you are not living your life.
A person becomes dependent, running away from reality. It turns out that the reality surrounding you at the moment does not suit you.
Some useful tips for those who want to change their lives for the better
Finding out that you're not living your life can be uncomfortable and scary. But it's never too late to find yourself and get back on track. Don't waste your precious time on a boring and uninteresting life.
- Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself: what can really light you up and make you happy? What would you be doing right now if you weren't worried about money? Perhaps a frank answer will surprise you and turn your life in the right direction.
- Often our lives are filled with unnecessary and energy-sapping activities and communication. Therefore, it makes sense to try gradually Eliminate the most unpleasant and draining factors from your life. Stop communicating with an unpleasant acquaintance or find strength and no longer take extra work home.
- Try asking yourself what you want at the moment. For example, what do you really want to eat for dinner or what to do on your day off. Do you really want to go to a birthday party you're invited to, or are you doing it out of politeness?
- Understand family settings. Ask yourself: Am I pursuing a career in this field because I want it or is it what my mom wanted? You should not leave decisions about your life in the hands of your family or loved ones.
“You know, I have a feeling that I’m not living my life. Everything seems to be fine, but at the same time there is a persistent feeling that something is wrong, something is missing. And such melancholy from this... It seems that my life should be different. But I don’t know which one,” this is how many of my clients begin their stories. Their words are very close and familiar to me, because several years ago I also lived with such feelings and thoughts. In general, such thoughts appear in almost everyone, and this usually happens between 25 and 35 years. As you know, all people are different, which is why the age range is so significant. More often this happens somewhere between 27 and 33 and is called the thirty-year crisis.
This is a very important and valuable stage of life, it contains enormous potential. Let's figure out what happens to a person during this difficult but significant period of life, and how to go through it successfully.
Thirty Years Crisis
I would call this stage a period of growing up. Not growth, as in childhood, but growing up. A person can grow up, but he does not necessarily become an adult. I think that everyone has such people around them.
Closer to the age of 30, a certain revaluation of life occurs. A person suddenly begins to understand that there are his personal values and interests, and there are those that were imposed by parents and society. Simply put, he begins to separate “I want” from “I need.” During this period, a person begins to understand that he can choose his own path, his own path. The realization comes that this is his life, and he is not at all obliged to comply with parental or social “musts”.
It's interesting, but most of what we did before the crisis of thirty years, we did with the confidence that we ourselves wanted it. For example, we wanted to get an education, start a family, get a good job, etc. But only during this crisis do we have the opportunity to look back and reconsider our lives, we finally gain the ability to understand what exactly was done from the state of “want”, and what was done from the state of “need”, masquerading as “want”. We are finally learning to separate our true “wants” from false ones.
And this is where the fun begins. A person who has entered this stage has an unbearable desire to change jobs, move to another city or even country, change partner, and much more. This desire is so strong that living in the current state becomes almost unbearable. There is some kind of nagging feeling of melancholy, emptiness, lack of meaning and at the same time a desire for change, but at the same time it is completely unclear what exactly. This makes it even more painful. Yes, it’s a difficult period. But that’s why it’s valuable.
How to survive a crisis
Some people at this stage want changes in one area, while others want to change their entire life. Those areas in which you want change are indicators of what in your life has arisen from the state of “should”. And right now you have a great opportunity to finally start living by your own rules. Now you can stop following your parents' "shoulds" and start building your own life based on your personal desires and needs. You can set your own goals and do it in areas that are important to you. This is why you can meet people who, at the age of about 30, leave engineers to become artists, from mathematicians to psychologists, get divorced after 10 years of marriage and build a new relationship or go on a second honeymoon with an existing partner, leave everything and move to another country...
From the outside it may seem that they have gone crazy. And this is exactly what those around you will convince you of if you finally decide to live the way you want. Live for real. And here comes the turning point. If you, despite the admonitions of those around you, begin to change your life, boldly renounce everything that is foreign to you, and fill your life with what is truly yours, with what your soul wants and what it is drawn to, then we can assume that passing the crisis successfully.
If you decide to drown out that nagging, painful feeling of melancholy and desire for change with the voice of reason, without finding the courage to grow up and take responsibility for your own life, then the result will be unsuccessful passage of the crisis. This means that future life will be the same as before: everything seems to be good, but in the soul, in place of melancholy, emptiness will appear. It will no longer be a stimulus for change. It will just be emptiness. Living with a feeling of emptiness inside is very scary. However, most people during the crisis of thirty years choose this path. They skillfully convince themselves that they cannot change anything, citing arguments that others will not understand them, they do not have time for this (but sometimes it is enough just to create a hobby for the crisis to be passed successfully!), etc. And not they understand that the growing emptiness inside is the result of their choice. There is no choice to change anything. Perhaps in their later years they will understand this... But will this understanding bring relief?
Sooner or later, you will also feel vague or obvious melancholy, and you will get the feeling that you are not living your own life. Or perhaps you are going through this period right now. My crisis was passed successfully, it was thanks to him that I became who I am now. He gave me the strength to change my life, thanks to him I found the courage to still follow my own path, the path of a psychologist and coach. And I sincerely want as many people as possible to choose a successful option to overcome the crisis. Take action, change your life so that it won’t be excruciatingly painful later!
Don't tell yourself why you can't do it. Better ask yourself: “What do I want to change, and how can I do it?” Yes, it's not easy, but believe me, it's worth it. If it’s difficult on your own, then you can always (or another psychologist or coach), and together we can go through this stage, identify areas in which you want changes, set goals, write down the steps to achieve them and find resources that will help you take these steps. The crisis of thirty years is a very valuable stage. This is a period of opportunity. Be sure to take advantage of them!
Black August evening. Wary, almost autumnal forest. A camping party in the dancing light circle of the fire. And I. A young, as they would say now, startupper, with unclear prospects.
“Sash, why are you so thoughtful?” - a friend had just carelessly scattered mosquitoes and already managed to add firewood. I answered him something out of place. But no explanation was required. One of the regulars at night gatherings had just sung “And we are going after the fog.” Ahead was the main hit of the evening - “The dome of the sky will sway.”
In fact, I thought that I was already 25, and I was not living my life. More precisely, a life from someone else’s dream. I vacation at a camp site, and not abroad, I live on the outskirts of an industrial city, and not in Moscow, I travel by minibus, and not by car. And just like that, another 30 years will pass, and the main event of my typical year will be all this - the night, the bonfire, the “dome of the sky.”
Brrr. Not my dream. What do I want? Dreams were in short supply back then. Because they haven’t come up with personal growth training yet. Even Psychologies has not yet been released in Russia. And psychology was a purely feminine and not very approved entertainment.
In general, the path to my dream began with a trip to the “not our” sea... The same sky at the eastern resort (in fact, the Zarostets “troika” is far from the sea) looked different. The dome did not sway; the moon was unusually turned up with its horns. The same August, but warm and sweet.
It turned out that if you have a dream, then there is a way to it
The first three days of my holiday abroad I was in amazement. From the hotel, from the food, from the attitude towards us, still wild tourists. And on the fourth day I suddenly realized - I like all this. And I want to come here more than once every two years, saving $50 a month. I want to come here every year. No - twice a year. And in general (here I was afraid of flights of thought) - I want to relax four times a year.
A week after returning from the “oriental fairy tale,” I began to talk about my dream of a new life. The first friend said that I was over-resting, the second invited me to go on a hike to get rid of stupid thoughts. And the third one stopped communicating with me altogether.
I was only 25, and I didn’t make a tragedy out of it. I just went and bought a couple of glossy men's magazines for the first time. I leafed through them and thought - no, not about a beautiful life. I thought about why there are people around me who have completely different dreams. And then I was still thinking about when I would start living, embodying my own.
It turned out that if you have a dream, then there is a way to it. I went into business, moved to Moscow, lost weight and changed my image. Ten years later, I could afford to take four vacations a year. When and where I want. I didn’t stop going fishing, but I began to visit Europe even more often.
Dream, travel, do - my three action verbs. And everything was decided by two memorable nights under the starry dome. I didn’t completely part with old friends, but now I spend more time with new ones. With those with whom I have similar dreams. And when someone offers me something “not mine,” I refuse. Because there may be a compromise in work, but not in dreams.
Text: Yana Shagova
The expression “live a life other than your own” It does not apply to professional psychology, but it is intuitively understandable. Usually it means that a person does not follow his own desires and goals, but tries to fulfill some average life scenario “written” for him by other people. Most often we are talking about the parental family, although it also happens that we use models offered by glossy magazines, films and popular culture. Let's figure out how to understand that you are following other people's attitudes - and what to do about it.
You have an unbearable desire to criticize other people's lives
You are wildly annoyed by a former classmate who, in her twenties, got married and gives birth to children one after another: “Well, why did she need a higher education? I buried myself in diapers!” Or a careerist friend, “obsessed” with her projects: “She doesn’t see life at all, she sits in her office from morning to night.” Or a freelance friend who has been “idling” in Thailand for the third month. But irritation often hides envy, and envy hides a feeling of one's own unfulfillment and confusion. This doesn't necessarily mean that you like the particular life scenario of these people - maybe not. But the general feeling that is infuriating is that they seem to know what to do with their lives (well, or they pretend to be very good): they make some plans, carry them out and seem to be happy. But for some reason you don’t.
Are you constantly bored
You're bored at work. Conversations among friends are not interesting. It’s boring for you to go on vacation, excursions or clubs are uninteresting, it’s boring to discuss pets, children, building a summer house or traveling, or someone’s third higher education. It is very important to note here that if this condition lasts longer than three to four weeks, it may mask depression or somatic problems. Therefore, if you feel that you have lost interest in everything around you, be sure to go to the doctor.
If experts have not found any depression or somatic illnesses in you, this means that it seems that you simply have not “found” your interests and your path in life. The interests of other people do not suit you, and you cannot share them - hence boredom.
Someone else's enthusiasm makes you mad or sad
A logical consequence of the previous point. They say that boredom is suppressed aggression. Indeed, in a boring job, colleagues, boss and daily responsibilities begin to irritate you; you don’t want to improve your skills or work in a team. In the company of friends with whom you are bored, conversations and other people’s laughter may gradually begin to irritate you, discussions of what you personally don’t find exciting at all: “Painting on water is so cool!”, “The whole family went out into the forest in jeeps, come with us next time!”, “We started renovations in the apartment and, can you imagine, we can’t find the right tiles in the whole city! We'll have to go to...” At this moment you want to scream: “Are you kidding me?!” or “How can you be seriously interested in such bullshit?”
You make non-obvious multi-step plans
For example, if you want to get a job in a related specialty, you don’t look for vacancies or sign up for courses - but instead construct an intricate multi-part plan that includes another higher education, an unpaid internship and other non-obvious components. When friends, widening their eyes, say: “Wait, but this can be done faster and easier - just go to the site with vacancies!” - you are very angry.
The secret is simple: people who do not live their own lives usually have a taboo on realizing their own goals. Therefore, the path to the desired achievements should be as long and difficult as possible, so as to get confused along the way and certainly not reach it.
Formal achievements are the main criterion for success for you.
Status, money, someone's praise are the main engine of progress for you. There is no doubt that money is necessary for life, praise and support “feed” our self-esteem, and high status and respect from others is pleasant. But for people who have found their vector of movement in life, this becomes a necessary, but not sufficient condition for success: the desire to realize their abilities and goals comes to the fore.
Those who act according to someone else's life scenario and have not found their own may be prone to competition. These are often incredibly competitive people - however, the joy of winning is often short-lived and does not bring real satisfaction. And really, how else can you measure achievements if you don’t really strive for it? Then average measures of success, inspired by culture and society, come to the rescue: status things, countries, vacations in which you can afford, the number of zeros in your salary, envy in the eyes of others, photos on Instagram.
It seems like life is passing you by while you're sitting here.
When you leave work, you feel as if you have escaped captivity. You sigh with relief as you leave the guests. And even entertainment like going to the movies and concerts leaves you with the strange feeling that “real” life was happening somewhere else while you were dancing on the dance floor or sitting in front of the screen. This feeling signals that you do not find meaning in what you are doing. Many begin to rationalize this feeling and build theories - for example, how modern art is commercialized, how pointless it is to work for the benefit of capitalism, and the like. It is important to listen to this feeling of discomfort and meaninglessness and draw conclusions. It means that going to the cinema was pointless not for everyone, but for you personally.
What to do
Finding your goals in life is a difficult and ambitious task. Clients often turn to psychologists with the request “Something is missing, although everything seems to be fine” or “I have everything, but nothing makes me happy.” These complaints often hide precisely the lack of one’s own guidelines in life. Usually, the search for meaning is advised to begin by remembering what used to give pleasure, what seemed meaningful and important. But, unfortunately, this does not always work out. Sometimes life is so filled with unnecessary and energy-consuming activities and communication that there is no space or energy left for something pleasant.
In this case, it makes sense to go the opposite way and try to gradually eliminate the most unpleasant and energy-consuming things from your life. For example, refuse to communicate if the interlocutor criticizes you a lot, devalues what is important to you, and communicates from a position “from above.” Quit a low-paying job that you do only because you are ashamed to give it up, or for the reason “you have to do something” (of course, we are not talking about an extreme situation when this is the only available way to feed yourself). If possible, leave the team where others are humiliated and discriminated against. Rethink too close relationships with parents who want to control your life and make their own plans with your help. Leave partnerships in which there is violence and no joy.
Learn to ask yourself about your desires - from food preferences to life plans. Sometimes it's easier to start with small interests, like what music you like or whether you really want to go to the party you're invited to today. And sometimes entire projects to transform your own life pop up in your head - and you understand that they always existed, they were just “blocked”.
If your desires and plans do not harm or endanger others, you can safely implement them - and there is nothing selfish about it
People often say that they are afraid of becoming “selfish” by doing what they want. But if your desires and plans do not harm other people or put them in danger, then you can safely implement them, and there is nothing selfish about it. Perhaps you are actually afraid of the feeling of responsibility for all the successes and failures. But only you are the author of your own life - whether you choose to write it according to the “original” script or copy it from the “reproduced” one, like everyone else’s.
Finally, another useful tip is to understand family settings. Regularly ask yourself the question: “Who is this for?” If you chose a specialty and career not for yourself, then for whom? For a mother who could not realize herself in the same field? For dad, who saw this as a “true piece of bread” and a “worthy occupation”? If you don’t like your current social circle, then why and for whom did you create and support it?
The answers may be unexpected. For example, you suddenly remember that your beloved grandmother all her life did not like the fact that you were friends with a “dubious” company. And some time after her death, you suddenly discovered that you had changed your social circle and now strive to be friends only with “good boys and girls.” Although in reality you don’t want to talk to them about careers and achievements and you like bohemians, crazy musicians and poor travelers.
By the same principle, you can choose a partner or partner, activities outside of work, or a way of relaxing - in order to gain approval and earn the love of one of the family members. It is important to understand that loving your family and following their scripts prepared for you are not identical things. You can demonstrate love through actions: towards those who are still alive - care, attention, phone calls and visits. You can remember those who died, visit their grave in the cemetery, talk about them with those relatives who remember them, or tell about them to children and nephews who did not have time to see them. But if you make yourself miserable or unhappy because you are not living your life, that has nothing to do with expressing love. And if someone demands this from you, unfortunately, this person does not really care about you. This means you shouldn’t put decisions about your life in his hands.
