Modern society made achievement one of the main values. Taking first place at work, in sports or in personal relationships is no longer a dream, but everyone’s duty. Meanwhile, psychoanalysts believe that such a thirst for victory at any cost is characteristic of narcissistic individuals and is not only driving force, forcing you to develop and improve, but can become a source of depression. When, despite all efforts, success does not come, this entails pangs of shame and loss of self-esteem.
In search of parental love
At the beginning of life, we really need the love of our parents. It is this feeling that gives you the confidence you need to move forward and find a place among other people. “Parental love is the platform that supports your whole life,” says developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. - However, if it is raised too high, it can lead to the formation of a narcissistic personality. If parents perceive their child’s every step with admiration and do not instill in him a realistic attitude towards himself, this can give rise to the conviction that the whole world should be at his feet.”
Such people have no doubt that they are the strongest, the most gifted and that their personality can only be discussed in superlatives. Not being the best would mean for them the risk of losing the love of their parents, and later, the recognition of society. Meanwhile, not only an excess, but also a lack of parental love can lead to the formation of a narcissistic personality.
Meet expectations
“It often happens that parents show love only in cases where the child’s achievements meet their own interests, explains psychoanalyst Marina Bardyshevskaya. “They entrust their child with a mission to accomplish what they themselves did not do at one time, and due to his success they increase their self-esteem. The child has an unconscious feeling that he is not valuable to his parents (and to other people) in himself and that he can earn their love only thanks to his achievements.”
Such an orientation towards other people's values does not give him the opportunity to be himself, to realize his desires and goals. “The desire to meet the expectations of others leads to increasing alienation from one’s own needs and requires great emotional costs,” continues Marina Bardyshevskaya. “Therefore, in case of the slightest failure, depression can set in.”
“I strived for success because deep down I thought I was worse than everyone else”
Valeria, 32 years old, manager
“As a child, I was the first in everything, not only at school: I studied music, and the teachers believed that I had a great future... I graduated from the university with honors and at the age of 26 I was already the HR director in an international company. I felt above all criticism. Until a leg injury forced me to stop working and I discovered that they had found a replacement for me.
Objectively it didn’t mean anything, but I experienced it as my defeat. For the first time, I was confronted with the fact that I could be replaced, that I was not the best. I began to experience depression, which I was able to cope with only with the help of a psychotherapist. I finally realized that I was so eager to succeed precisely because deep down I considered myself worse than everyone else.”
Premonition of failure
Some anxious parents are sure that their child will definitely get bad rating, will fail the exam or will not have good relationships with his peers. The anticipation of impending failure forces them to do everything to prevent it. And the child has the anticipation of a fiasco for the rest of his life.
“In this case, he strives for victory not in order to achieve a result, to hear approval,” says Marina Bardyshevskaya. “He is moving away from defeat, which is usually associated with severe feelings of shame and feelings of inferiority.”
What to do?
Reconsider your goals
In your rush to get first place, you may lose sight of your personal interests. What are your goals? What motivates you to strive for them? The answers to these questions will allow you to understand which goals you set for yourself out of narcissism, and which ones correspond to your personal aspirations.
Rely on your opinion
Remember that the opinions of others are relative and your value does not depend on the number of achievements recognized by other people.
Appreciate victory
Success has barely been achieved, and you are already eager for a new conquest. How to get out vicious circle? Realize how much effort this victory cost you. Then congratulate yourself and reward yourself with a gift or vacation. The goal is to relearn how to appreciate the sweetness of success and strengthen your self-confidence.
In case of failure...
Analyze its reasons and ask yourself the question: “Could I have done better?” If so, come up with a plan to try again. If not, remember that failure is an inevitable part of our lives. And direct your unfulfilled need for success to a more achievable goal.
Contrary to popular belief, those who strive to be first are convinced that they are last. Behind this desire lies an unconscious lack of self-esteem.
You can help such a person by making it clear that you don’t have to be the best to receive your recognition and love. He must make sure that you value him and that no matter what place he occupies in society, no one can take his place in your heart from him.
In the New Year 2012 I wish everyone: to be 1st in everything, always have a 2nd half, never be the 3rd extra, have your 4 corners so that everything in life is 5, have a 6th sense and be in 7th heaven!!!
50 rules of a decent Japanese woman:
1. Be healthy.
2. Keep your back straight.
3. Speak good Japanese.
4. Always say “Good morning” with a smile.
5. Follow the rules of etiquette with everyone.
6. Have well-groomed hands and healthy nails.
7. Be the one who is always said to be neat.
8. Almost never feel bored.
9. Dedicate yourself to something.
10. Carefully return borrowed items.
11. Speak in a pleasant voice.
12. Reply to letters and messages.
13. Don't talk about what you don't know.
14. Know how to wear jeans.
15. Be in good health 365 days a year.
16. Spend money as you should, including on underwear.
17. Cook deliciously. Have dexterous hands.
18. Have beautiful teeth.
19. Throw away unnecessary things.
20. Get up early.
21. Look through newspapers every day.
22. Go to sleep every night.
23. Say “thank you” often.
24. Don't skimp on shoes.
25. Keep the corners of the house clean.
26. Good at negotiating with people.
27. Overcome suffering on your own.
28. Do not carry into tomorrow the troubles that happened today.
29. Almost never catch a cold.
30. Have shiny, shiny hair.
31. Know how to style your hair yourself.
32. Behave with restraint in a team.
33. Become a leader when necessary.
34. Have a lot of friends to meet with.
35. Follow trends.
36. Iron your handkerchiefs.
37. Pronounce the endings of words correctly.
38. Know self-medication methods.
39. Write hieroglyphs beautifully.
40. Have a favorite saying.
41. Don't be afraid to grow old.
42. Have many plans for the future.
43. Cry more for others than for yourself.
44. Have many loved ones.
45. Look in the mirror at least once every 2 hours.
46. When you come home, don’t let yourself go, no matter how tired you are.
47. Love taking care of your skin.
48. Thinking that today you are more beautiful than yesterday.
49. Be happy, look happy.
50. Have good skin.
The desire to be the best, to always be the first, is one of ways to self-motivate. But using this method is fraught with dangerous consequences.
Our whole life is literally saturated with rivalry and competition. People compete when entering college and getting a job, competing for the attention of the opposite sex, for victories in sports competitions. Almost the entire life of a person consists of different types rivalry.
The Case for Striving to Be the Best
The desire to be first is the essence of the competitive method used in training athletes. Fight for the championship or high achievements helps improve results. The spirit of competition within a work team encourages a person to constantly keep himself in good shape, increase his competitiveness: learn, retrain, work on his skills, achieve better results.
Rivalry is one of the most widespread social phenomena. It stimulates activity in the most various fields life, not only in sports, but in production activities, in art (art competitions, festivals), etc.
The Arguments Against Being the Best
That competition is a powerful incentive that allows people to demonstrate miracles perseverance and perseverance, humanity guessed it a long time ago. Even in ancient times, this property was skillfully used, equally successfully inspiring heroism or pushing people to commit crimes. Therefore, any methods of motivation based on competition can only be fruitful in skillful hands.
Rivalry is harmful when it becomes dominant. When people, in a fit of struggle, begin to destroy each other, when the main desire becomes to defeat the opponent, and not to establish the truth, when in this struggle far from civilized methods are used, such as insults, slander, mockery, and even bullying, then such rivalry - this is obvious enmity, which makes enemies out of opponents.
The spirit of competition must not be allowed to develop into a blind passion to always be the first in everything. Of course, the desire to be the best is commendable, but sometimes it goes beyond common sense and may pose a number of dangers:
We hear so often that we have to be better than others that we end up believing that being competitive is a requirement. efficient work. This belief permeates our culture. But latest discoveries in the field of psychophysiology and pedagogy show that best results are not achieved in conditions of competition and do not depend on the presence of a rival. The law of synergy is difficult to challenge.
Everyone has probably met people who do not feel the need to demonstrate their success and strength. They do only what seems attractive to them and matches their capabilities and interests. We perceive such people as mature and independent. Their charm is irresistible - they act and create freely. Almost always such people have very high self-esteem and therefore do not feel the desire to compete with others.
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