Elena's example is less dramatic. She is a social worker in aged care. She likes her work, she has undoubted abilities as an organizer, and also easily finds common language both with colleagues and with wards. The representative office offered her the position of department head. Elena asked to be given some time to think, but then refused the position: she knew that besides her, her colleague, who occupied a higher position, was also vying for the position. high position, who also submitted an application, so if she refuses, he will take the vacant position. Elena considered it unfair to bypass him. The woman told me about her inherent sense of justice with a charming smile on her lips, but I felt that this was not a sense of justice, but false modesty. The fact is that when you get a job, you either get the job you want, but then someone else remains unemployed, or you retreat, and then your potential rival takes the position for which you also applied. Therefore, in this situation, it was not justice that triumphed, but a false fear of being misunderstood by others.
Another example. Rike - mother one year old son. Her maternity leave is coming to an end. The company where she works will not be able to guarantee that she will retain her job any longer: if she does not return to work within three months, another person will be hired for this position. Rike's husband knew about this ultimatum and tried to find a way out of the situation. As a result, he told his wife that he would take parental leave for one year. This decision was not easy for him - he was afraid of teasing from acquaintances and friends, but such a step was a kind of challenge to society. He worked in government agency, so taking a vacation was not particularly difficult for him. His petition was signed, but Rike opposed her husband’s decision: she did not want him, as it seemed to her, to sacrifice himself. After much hesitation, she refused her employers. It is easier for her to accept the loss of her job than to accept the sacrifice of her husband. Rike herself explains what happened as follows: “I cannot demand that he quit his job. He simply cannot stand it: his colleagues will laugh at him, he will have to sit at home all day or communicate with young mothers in the nursery.” All these are just excuses, because Rike’s husband was able to make this decision.
Rike is also a victim of his own modesty. In fact, she simply could not imagine how her husband would endure sidelong glances and malicious remarks every day while she was busy with her career. Rika loved her job and would be happy to be back at her desk testing materials. However, false modesty caused the wrong decision.
IN personal life False modesty is less common, although, as the examples above show, it can be found there too. Much more often this dubious virtue occurs in relation to a career, as well as in communication with colleagues, friends or acquaintances.
Manifestations of false modesty are not obvious in all cases. For example, false modesty manifests itself in underestimating the actual result obtained. independent work; in attributing one's own merits only to chance or the help of other people. An employee is also caught in the modesty trap, delaying a promotion at work because her boss needs her. Although as a result of the promotion, new prospects open up for her career growth. In this situation, the trap becomes twofold and can be called the coy assistant trap.
"I'm just little man, there is nothing in my head, I will never become strong and independent" - this is the logic of a woman who has decided to refuse such an opportunity. Nevertheless, she is sure that the worst thing about the trap of modesty is low self-esteem, the conviction of one’s own stupidity, due to that you have no right to dictate terms to anyone.
There is some truth in this statement. Modest people often say that they have some high points life goals or that they have a special humanism. However, I have always had the impression that it is precisely self-doubt that is the decisive argument in favor of giving up own interests, although this refusal is explained by lofty motives.
Modesty, in my opinion, has one more drawback - it is, as it were, “passed on by inheritance.” Mothers and daughters often suffer from this symptom. They play, so to speak, a strange game, competing to see who can outdo whom in displaying unpretentiousness. Outwardly, their relationship looks like trust, warm, respectful and friendly, that is, what the relationship between mother and daughter should be, but they constantly oppose each other, one might even say, they fight for first place in the “championship” of modesty and unpretentiousness. Spectators who know about this struggle receive true pleasure, observing how in such a battle of modesty against modesty, women against women (less often this applies to men), the competitors show their fighting qualities, the existence of which no one suspected.
I once witnessed a similar “competition” myself. Mother and daughter were arguing in whispers about which of them should take an expensive silver vase that belonged to a deceased aunt: “It suits the interior of your house better.” - “But you will use it longer.” - “But you paid much more attention to her.” - “Darling, you were her favorite niece.” - “Nevertheless, please take it for yourself.” - “No, I cannot do this under any circumstances.” In the end, the vase went to some distant relative: “If you cannot share this unfortunate vase, then...”.
It seems that we, parents, teachers and students, strive to present ourselves to others in the most favorable light possible for us. How does an “impression management” approach lead to false modesty or self-defeating behavior?
Some believe that modesty is either the mask of a hypocrite or a quality inherent in weak people, which fade away because they do not represent anything.
A modest person is called a person who does not boast of his merits, merits and, when communicating with other people, does not like to attract a lot of attention, which is considered a sign good upbringing
The self is the center of our social world, but an excessive predisposition in favor of the self distorts self-esteem, although self-esteem and self-efficacy provide some benefits. We are interested in the following question: is praise addressed to oneself always sincere? Do the words we say out loud correspond to our secret thoughts? Or are we just putting on a good face when playing poorly, i.e. we reliably hide our doubts about self-importance?
We sometimes pretend that we are not who we really are. The most striking example of this is not false pride, but false modesty. Perhaps we ourselves have already recalled situations when one of the teachers did not praise himself, but engaged in self-flagellation. Such behavior can be a very subtle manifestation of selfishness, since it often makes others want to reassure and “pat them on the head.” A phrase such as “I felt like a complete fool!” may prompt a friend to begin to calm down: “Stop it! You did everything right!” Even the phrase “You should have been born such an ugly person!” is capable of causing at least the following response: “Nonsense! I know a couple of people who would be willing to trade with you!”
There is another reason that forces teachers to engage in self-deprecation and praise others. As Francis Bacon, a philosopher who lived in the 17th century, said, modesty is nothing more than one of the manifestations of the “art of boasting.” Man aware own abilities, behaves more naturally and does not experience an urgent need for evaluative behavior (Gibson & Sachau, 2000).
<Нередко смирение - всего лишь трюк, уловка, на которую пускается гордость, умолкающая на время только для того, чтобы затем еще громче заявить о себе. Ларошфуко, Максимы, 1665>
False modesty also manifests itself when teachers and students write autobiographies and list their own achievements.
Results psychological research allowed Baumeister and Ilko to suggest that people are characterized by “feigned gratitude” - superficial gratitude, a kind of mask that is put on only to appear modest, although “deep down” they consider only themselves to be the creators of their own successes.
False gratitude manifests itself in cases where we achieve great success than those around us, and are not sure of their feelings towards us. If we feel that our success might make others jealous or unkind—a phenomenon called “perils of victory” by Julia Exline and Marcy Lobel (1999)—we may downplay our own accomplishments and feign gratitude. . People who achieve truly significant achievements do not need to pretend to be modest: modesty is their natural quality.
Literature:
1. Myers D. Psychology. Mn.: "Medley", 2006.
2. Shushkov A.A. Explanatory and conceptual dictionary of the Russian language. M.:AST: Astrel:Hranitel, 2008.
Modesty
Material http://www.psychologos.ru/articles/view/skromnost
Modesty is a human character trait expressed in the following:
moderation in all demands;
not the desire for wealth and luxury;
not the desire to excel, to show off;
maintaining the limits of decency;
sedateness in communicating with other people.
Qualities incompatible with modesty: rebellion, vanity, pride, arrogance, impudence, impudence, etc.
Subordination
Material http://www.psychologos.ru/articles/view/podchinennost
Subordination - personality trait in meaning the inverse of the concept personal strength or dominance. Subordination can manifest itself in different ways in a person’s behavior. For example, softness, compliance, tact, meekness, courtesy, dependence, resignation, helpfulness, deference, shyness, willingness to take the blame, modesty, expressiveness, tendency to easily lose balance.
Ability to obey
Ability to obey - important skill, distinguishing strong people from the weak. The weak submit because they have no strength to resist. The strong obey because they consider it reasonable and know how to do it easily.
Self-presentation
Resume
Contrary to the popular belief that most people suffer from low self-esteem or inferiority complexes, research consistently shows the opposite: most of us have a predisposition in favor of our Self. Both in everyday life and in laboratory experiments, we often explain our failures external reasons, and we attribute success to ourselves. According to such parameters as subjective, desirable personal qualities and abilities, we tend to consider ourselves above the “average”. Believing in ourselves becomes the reason for unjustified optimism about our future. We also tend to overestimate the prevalence of our opinions and shortcomings ( false consensus) and underestimate the prevalence of our inherent abilities and virtues ( false uniqueness This perception is partly a consequence of the desire to maintain and increase self-esteem, which, although it protects people from depression, makes a certain contribution to their poor judgment and group conflict.
It seems that we humans strive not only to have a flattering opinion of ourselves, but also to present ourselves to others in as favorable a light as possible. How does an “impression management” approach lead to false modesty or self-defeating behavior?
So, we already know that I am the center of our social worlds and that excessive self-predisposition distorts self-esteem, although self-esteem and self-efficacy provide some benefit. Perhaps you are interested in this question: is praise addressed to oneself always sincere? Do the words a person speaks out loud correspond to his secret thoughts? Or do people just put on a good face at a bad game, that is, reliably hide their doubts about their own importance from others?
There is indisputable evidence that sometimes people pretend to be someone other than who they really are. However, the most striking example of this is not false pride, but false modesty. Perhaps you yourself have already recalled situations when someone did not praise himself, but engaged in self-flagellation. Such behavior can be a very subtle manifestation of selfishness, since it often makes others want to reassure and “pat them on the head.” A phrase such as “I felt like a complete fool!” may prompt a friend to begin to calm down: “Stop it! You did everything right!” Even the phrase “You should have been born such an ugly person!” is capable of causing at least the following response: “Nonsense! I know a couple of people who would be willing to trade with you!”
There is another reason that makes people engage in self-deprecation and praise others. Imagine a coach who, before an important match, praises his opponent in every possible way. Can we say that he is absolutely sincere? When coaches publicly praise their opponents, they do so in order to create an impression among others of him and his players as humble people, committed to a fair fight, and provide favorable reviews for any outcome of the game. In such a situation, victory is a commendable achievement, and defeat is a consequence of the opposing team's stunning defensive performance. As Francis Bacon, a philosopher who lived in the 17th century, said, modesty is nothing more than one of the manifestations of the “art of boasting.” Thus, according to Robert Gould, Paul Bronstein and Harold Segal, participants laboratory experiment- University of Maryland students - also praised their future opponent, but only when they evaluated him publicly (Gould, Brounstein, & Sigall, 1977). Anonymous characteristics were much more restrained! A person who is aware of his own abilities behaves more naturally and does not experience an urgent need for evaluative behavior (Gibson & Sachau, 2000).
<Нередко смирение - всего лишь трюк, уловка, на которую пускается гордость, умолкающая на время только для того, чтобы затем еще громче заявить о себе. La Rochefoucauld,Maxims, 1665>
False modesty also appears when people write autobiographies and list their own achievements. At all ceremonies dedicated to the presentation of awards and prizes, the recipients in an elegant form thank their loved ones - and not only them - for their support. So, accepting the Academic Award, Maureen Stapleton thanked his family, children, friends and everyone he met throughout his life. Does this kind of generosity in “giving thanks” conflict with the popular belief that people readily attribute success to their own efforts and competence?
To answer this question, Roy Baumeister and Stacy Ilko asked students to describe a success that they considered important to them (Baumeister & Ilko, 1995). Those subjects whom they asked to sign their essays and who assumed that their work would be read aloud mostly thanked them for the help they received and moral support. In anonymous works, words of gratitude were rare; their authors portrayed themselves as the sole creators of their own achievements. These results led Baumeister and Ilko to suggest that people are characterized by “fake gratitude” - superficial gratitude, a kind of mask that is put on only to appear modest, although “deep down” they consider only themselves to be the creators of their own success.
Feigned gratitude occurs when we, like Maureen Stapleton, seek O greater success than those around us, and are not sure of their feelings towards us. If we feel that our success might make others jealous or unkind—a phenomenon called “perils of victory” by Julia Exline and Marcy Lobel (1999)—we may downplay our own accomplishments and feign gratitude. . People who achieve truly significant achievements do not need to pretend to be modest: modesty is their natural quality.
The concept that “you need to be more modest” was instilled in us from childhood. Modesty is considered a virtue and an adornment for a person, but, as they often joke, that is only if there is nothing else to adorn oneself with. Jokes of this kind arise for a reason. Very often, the word “modesty” (or “humility”) means things that are opposite in meaning. I don't ask a person for help - is this modesty or maybe pride? I'm not talking about changing working conditions - is this humility or fear of management? I lower my eyes when talking to a person - is it because I am modest or because I am trying to make a certain impression on him? There are many such dual situations.
Archimandrite Sophrony (Sakharov) has a remarkable passage in his book about Elder Silouan. Read the following sentence carefully: “ Pride- the beginning of sin; it contains all types of evil: vanity, love of glory, love of power, coldness, cruelty, indifference to the suffering of one’s neighbor; dreaminess of the mind, increased action of the imagination, demonic expression in the eyes, demonic character of the whole appearance; gloom, melancholy, despair, hatred; envy, humiliation.
.
." Humiliation... And yet, in another place, Elder Sophrony writes about the painful “complex of humiliation,” “this peculiar, incomprehensible to most, form of manifestation of pride.” It seems like some kind of contradiction... But there is no contradiction. Often what lies behind humiliation is, indeed, not modesty and humility.
Sometimes it happens that a state of humiliation appears as a result long processes breakdown of personality, can be caused by the attitude of other people, self-doubt, fear of being in a stupid position, being ridiculed, the desire to get something, the desire to please someone or occupy a safer niche, to avoid responsibility... But this is not at all the same what a person is called to do.
Of course, humiliation has nothing to do with modesty, which always coexists with dignity - an intuitive sense of the value of life itself, of the individual as such. And the dignity of any person is incomparable with the dignity of another - in every person it is priceless and absolute. Therefore, modesty and simplicity in communication are the most natural, most dignified form of behavior... The most wonderful people The people I have met in my life were incredibly humble, and yet their entire personality shone with a dignity that elevated everyone who came into contact with them.
Contemporary writer, artist, restorer Alexander Kruglov in his essay “Pride and Dignity” offers such criterion for differentiation: modesty is distinguished from humiliation by the ability to laugh at oneself. A humiliated (and in fact, proud) person is afraid of ridicule, cannot look at himself with humor, and a completely harmless joke can cause deep resentment. But to be offended means to lose dignity; to be able to rise above resentment means to maintain your dignity.
And of course, The absolute manifestation of dignity in a person is the ability to love- unselfish, not demanding, not looking for one’s own, in which there is freedom and there is no humiliation.
Is everything okay with this one at first glance? correct installation? In a free society, where everyone has the opportunity to express their maximum creativity(if you really want to and if you’re lucky), modesty is simply our recognition of the relationship between the scale of our actions, ours and others’, and the greatness of the world into which we invest our potential.
Of course, these scales are obviously incomparable, but man does not pretend to dominate the world. A person does not need to constantly compare himself with others for self-affirmation; it is enough for him to feel that he is simply doing everything he can, and it is his own realized intentions that serve as his starting point. He has the right to be proud not of his gift as such, received from nature, but of his efforts to realize it, without which this talent will hang on him like a dead weight. By asking ourselves the question, “Did I do everything I could?”, we have no basis for either envy and feelings of inferiority, or for feelings of superiority. But this may be the basis for dissatisfaction with oneself, which prompts additional efforts, rather than the desire to “put everyone in their place” and thereby take their place from others. The weakness of others does not elevate you, and their achievements do not humiliate you, but even inspire you. You have your place in the world, you accept it and want to live up to it.
There is an exact expression of the essence of this modesty: “A person should not try to obscure the sky.” Prominent personalities and genius creators were such because modesty in this understanding does not detract from them. Everyone is equal in relation to the sky and no one is prohibited from trying to fly.
But there is another understanding of modesty - as a deliberate humiliation of oneself, and such modesty was cultivated during my childhood. Social task the goal of fostering such modesty was to make everyone feel the same, so that gifted people consider themselves equal to those who are incapable of this. A person who senses his scale and his destiny, requiring creative efforts, immediately received the reproach of insufficient modesty. Such “modesty” was convenient and beneficial only to those who felt comfortable in the atmosphere of “universal equality” and whom it saved from the feeling of their own inferiority. It was a legitimate and even morally justified way of humiliation and suppression talented people, depriving them of both the sense of self necessary to take creative risks and the chance for recognition that can inspire creativity in others.
Self-affirmation in creativity is the opposite of arrogance based on constant comparison yourself with others, and it not only does not interfere, but even promotes a critical attitude towards oneself. Because of this, a free society continually develops and prospers in a variety of ways.
It is clear that the opposite attitude towards the need for modesty as a denial of one’s right to self-affirmation blocks even an attempt at self-realization.
