At what level is your sense of self-worth? How to feel significant. Complexes and fears are the norm of society

First rule. Before criticizing, ask yourself whether you have the right to do so. Answer this question honestly. Proceed with criticism only when you are absolutely confident in your authority.

Second rule. Before making critical comments, note the person’s merits, find something for which you can praise him. If you're going to criticize his work, first point out positive sides his activities, his successes and achievements in this field.

Third rule. Never criticize the person himself as a person - talk only about his actions, work, behavior. For example, you cannot tell a person that he is a bad worker, but you can say that he did something wrong in this particular job.

Fourth rule. Avoid rude, aggressive or simply overly emotional statements. Under no circumstances should your voice sound accusing. Speak in an even, calm, friendly tone. Do not raise your voice under any circumstances.

Fifth rule. When pointing out a mistake or shortcoming to a person, immediately show how it can be corrected. Never criticize as if you are giving up on a person, as if you consider him hopeless. Your task: to show him that nothing bad happened, because anyone can make a mistake, the main thing is to correct the mistake in time. Very good welcome: Give an example from your life when you made a similar mistake and tell how you managed to resolve this situation.

Sixth rule. Use a variety of ways to soften criticism, such as expressing regret (“I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but you didn’t do a good job”), understanding (“I understand that you had some problems good reasons, but the work still needs to be done on time”), encouraging the interlocutor (“Didn’t do it? It’s okay, we will help you, and next time everything will work out”), giving the interlocutor a chance to correct the situation (“The work was done incorrectly, but I’m sure you will find a way to fix everything"), etc.

Seventh rule. Do not resort to unfounded generalizations such as: “You are back as always, so I knew it!”, “It is impossible to expect anything else from you,” etc. If you feel that similar phrases ready to roll off your tongue, do it deep breath, hold your breath, exhale slowly, count to ten, and only then continue the conversation.

Eighth rule. Give your interlocutor an opportunity to respond to your criticism and listen carefully to him, without interrupting, sincerely trying to understand his point of view.

Ninth rule. Don't express criticism in public unless necessary - it's better to do it in private.

The undeniable truth is that every person you meet feels superior to you in some way. And the most Right way to his heart is to let him know in a subtle way that you recognize his significance in his small world, and admit it sincerely.

The ability to sincerely admire the strengths of other people works wonders! Observe people who are especially popular and successful in society - and you will understand what their secret is: they know how to see the good in others and tell them about it, and they do it sincerely.

Crude flattery and fawning will not deceive anyone - this way you will not earn the trust of others, but will only alienate them. It's a completely different matter when you sincerely recognize the merits and merits of other people and express your admiration from the bottom of your heart. Someone you truly admire will remember your good words for life and will always consider you the best of people. You will instantly win a person's favor if you make him feel important.

There is one the most important law human behavior. If we obey him, we will never end up in unpleasant situation, as it will provide you with countless friends and constant well-being. But if it is violated, we immediately find ourselves in endless trouble.

This law says: always act in such a way as to give the other person the impression of your importance.

Dale Carnegie. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

Dale Carnegie says that the ability to admire others can even completely change one's destiny, as it did with English writer and playwright Hall Kane (1853–1931), author of the popular novels The Christian, The Judge, and The Manx Man. The writer was the son of a blacksmith, and his education was limited to eight classes. And, perhaps, he would never have managed to become one of the most famous and richest writers of his time, if not for his youthful passion for the poetry of Dante Gabriel Rossetti. One day Kane wrote a letter to Rossetti, where he admired the masterpieces that came from his pen. Rossetti was so delighted with this message that he invited young man to himself in London and offered to become his secretary. This is how Hall Kane, the son of a blacksmith, found himself in the circle of the literary elite of Great Britain, thanks to which his development as a writer took place.

You may think that you have to be born with the ability to admire people. You can say: I’m a completely different person, I don’t have the same character, etc. But in fact, anyone can learn this. And there is nothing complicated about it. You'll see: once you learn to admire people and recognize their importance, you will feel that it is very simple and natural. And you will wonder why you didn’t do this before.

In order to gain the ability to admire people, you need to learn just one secret: Everyone deserves admiration, including you.

You have strengths that others don't have. And others have virtues that you don’t have. In this sense, we are all equal, no one is better or worse, just everyone is special, unlike anyone else, with their own sum of the best qualities.

To recognize the importance of another person, you just need to learn to first recognize your own importance. If you a priori recognize yourself as a significant, worthy person with mass positive qualities– it will not be difficult for you to recognize the importance of another and demonstrate it to him.

Understand that any person really wants someone to recognize his merits and notice his merits. And you want it too! You would be very pleased if someone came up to you and told you how much they appreciate your abilities and talents, your special qualities and your achievements in anything.

Unfortunately, people are most often busy with themselves. They do not notice the talents, merits and achievements of others. And if they notice, they don’t say it out loud and don’t admire other people’s virtues. Much more often you can find envy and slander about someone's success.

This is the biggest mistake most people make. We are not ready to admire each other - but we are always ready to criticize. Is it any wonder that relationships between people so often leave much to be desired?

Start with yourself - and you can easily correct this mistake! Believe me, if you learn to admire yourself and recognize your own importance, it will not cost you anything to recognize the importance of others. Moreover, you will do it with pleasure.

Find a time when no one will disturb you. Sit in a comfortable position, relax, drive away extraneous thoughts. Take a pen and notebook. Next, perform the exercise in five stages.

I wonder if you ever thought about what the real reason human quarrels?

In fact, behind all the rumors, terrible details and consequences of our conflicts with others there is a very important fact which is often overlooked. The essence of the problem for many people is very simple: “I don’t feel important.”

People may not realize that this is the reason, and they are unlikely to express their feelings as clearly. But if you peel back the top layers of frustration and pain that often cause anger, you will find underneath it a person who doesn't feel needed or important.

This feeling could be caused different ways: ignoring, lying, ridicule, neglect, unwillingness to listen or unwillingness to help - or arise on its own. There may be many reasons, but the consequences are always the same.

So in this chapter we are going to look at seven ways that are guaranteed to make a person feel valued and important.

When this happens, a person becomes much more accessible to communication and interaction.

By applying the ideas outlined here, you can not only reduce the number of conflicts, but also deepen and improve the quality of your relationships with people both in and outside the workplace.

To achieve this result, we are going to use the following seven methods, which can be briefly titled like this:

• service;
• personalization;
• encouragement;
• politeness;
• interest;
• appreciation;
• attention to the speaker.

Now let's look at each of these points in more detail.

Service

This interesting word, which some people may associate with servants or service personnel working in restaurants or retail stores. Indeed, this word is unlikely to top the list of strategies designed to engage, motivate and influence other people.

But I think it should be there.

It should be the basis of our relationships when we deal with other people. Having a self-serving relationship might have allowed me to avoid the kind of trouble I had with Mark (I talked about this in the chapter entitled “Control Your Attitude”).

Instead of the idea that the world revolves solely around our personality and that the only way To achieve happiness is to achieve our goals at any cost, we must direct our efforts to find out what we can do to satisfy the needs and achieve the goals of other people. As the famous American motivational expert Zig Ziglar says:

A grain of wisdom. You will get everything you want in life as long as you help other people get what they want.

As a professional lecturer, I regularly remind myself that my the main objective- serving the audience. Of course I want my work to be appreciated - I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. But my primary concern should not be what people think of me, but rather what I can do to help the people in my audience meet their needs.

This automatically means that I become more open and less self-oriented. Ultimately, my success depends on how much I can help my audience. And having satisfied their needs, I get good chances that my own will also be satisfied.

When a company's primary focus is on the needs of its customers, it is much more likely to ultimately achieve its own success. When leaders ask, “How can we help our employees? the best way do the work assigned to them?” - they thereby place “service” at the core of corporate culture.

Exactly how you can serve others depends on your circumstances. I'm not saying that, for example, after preparing dinner for a loved one, you should ask yourself: "Is everything as expected and what can we do to improve the result next time?" But I think you get my point. Service to others is what determines our behavior in relationships with people.

What should ministry look like in practice? Specific ways we might use to serve others are revealed as we continue to look for opportunities to make people feel valued.

Personalization

What would you prefer: a gift certificate or a gift that was purchased specifically for you, taking into account your preferences? A Valentine's card with your name on it or with the cliche phrase: "To whom it may concern"?

I hope you already understand my point?

Make people feel special and in a meaningful way personalizing your appeal to them. In business, this is achieved by using customer names when making contacts. For example, I feel the effectiveness of this approach myself in a hotel whose services I use regularly. They reserve a parking space for my car, where they indicate my name. As a result, before I even set foot in the hotel, I already feel like an important person.

My friend Mark Mitchell works as a car dealer in North West England. He seems obsessed with figuring out what else he and his hundred-plus employees can do to make his clients feel important. Letters sent to clients often contain individual notes from Mark. If he comes across an article that he thinks may be of interest to you, he will definitely send you a copy of it. I think it's in his DNA, which, judging by the loyalty of his customers, is very beneficial for his business.

When we send Christmas cards to our clients, we always personalize each one.

Of course, making people feel valued by making your interactions more personal does not guarantee that they will continue to do business with you. But by doing so, you certainly increase the likelihood of this happening.

When it comes to relationships with loved ones, a much more pleasant and significantly more influential gift would not be a gift certificate, even if it demonstrates your generosity, but something more personal, requiring the use of imagination on your part.

Do you agree? Even such a seemingly small indication that you were thinking about someone has a huge impact.

A grain of wisdom. Treating a person personally is a powerful way to make him feel important.

Addressing my own life What will my wife appreciate more - a diamond ring or a bag of buns? Every time it will be a bag of buns. Many men show their love by giving jewelry, but my wife knows that when I buy her buns, I am giving her a very personal gift and putting special meaning into it.

(I just showed my wife the last paragraph and she told me that, from her point of view, ideal option there would be a bag of buns with a diamond ring inside - but you probably understood what I meant.)

Treat the person in a way that makes them feel unique personality with his own likes and dislikes, and not just one of the representatives of a faceless crowd. And don’t forget what was said earlier in the chapter “Don’t treat people the same way you would like to be treated.”

A little test

What is one thing you could do this week to express to a specific person your personal attitude towards him?

Encouragement

I have been living on this planet for quite a long time. During my travels, I have encountered hundreds of thousands of people, either in person or in public. To date, I have visited 40 countries and performed in 36 of them. But I have never heard the phrase from anyone: “Do you know what my problem is? I'm getting too a large number of encouragement."

It is believed that too frequent rewards begin to lose their impact. But we all need encouragement from time to time.

My friend Linda Stacy recently called herself my “Director of Encouragement.” We rarely see each other now, but she still maintains her title by regularly sending me encouraging messages via Facebook.

The word "encourage" literally means "to give good spirits." This may mean a desire to encourage a person so that he starts some business, does not give up what he has already started, or sets more goals for himself. high goal. It can also mean that your support gives people the confidence to decide to give up something that clearly isn't working. But in this case, your words make the person feel not like a failure, but like someone who has gained valuable experience in order to better cope with their next task.

A grain of wisdom. In a world full of failures, disappointments and people always ready to attack you with derogatory criticism, we all need encouragement from time to time.

You can show your support by sending a card, an email, a text message, or a simple letter. This can be done in a normal conversation. Encouragement doesn't have to be wordy at all. But every word carries a powerful charge. It is capable of both winging and landing.

Throughout my life, I have been fortunate to meet countless people who have encouraged me.

I remember how my friends Tom Palmer and Paul Sandham had a profound impact on me with their comments on one particular occasion. After seeing my book rejected by one of the UK's leading publishers, they gave me simple advice: “Don't give up. Keep trying for at least the next 12 months." This was exactly what I needed to hear, especially after several failures. After that, not even six weeks passed before I signed a contract with a publisher.

You will not get any immediate real return from your encouragement to others. This is not required. But isn’t it wonderful to look back and realize that thanks to your well-timed words, some people received the impetus they needed to move towards their goals? And the fact that you took the time to encourage them gave them the confidence to take the next step.

Can you do it.

Food for thought

Who among the people around you needs your verbal support? What can you do to cheer him up?

Communication skills. How to find a common language with anyone / Paul McGee. - M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2014. Published with permission of the publisher.

The education of the younger generation in Islam is given Special attention. Today's children are tomorrow's adults, and what their childhood will be like will largely determine what tomorrow's Ummah and tomorrow's Muslims will be like. And, of course, every parent dreams of seeing their child smart, healthy, brave, successful, noble... in a word, ideal. Often parents try to make their children into those who they themselves dreamed of becoming, but were unable or failed to do. Education is a very capacious topic, for discussion and consideration of which even several dozen lectures and articles are not enough. In this article we will only try to draw the attention of our readers to some very important details. And we will try to answer the question: how to instill in our children, especially boys, qualities such as courage, responsibility, independence, honesty and some others?
There are many different methods for their development, we will not list them all and go into a detailed discussion, but will limit ourselves to a brief mention with some examples from our daily life.

— Independence. Teach this to your child early childhood. Don’t constantly run after him with a handkerchief, wiping his nose. Don't teach them to hide behind mommy's skirt or daddy's back - they are not permanent. Give them the opportunity to act on their own, but under your supervision and control. For example, when buying tickets, let your son hand over your documents. Let him choose and buy his own clothes, etc. You shouldn’t always do it for him with the words: “I know better...”

—Honesty. Teach your child to tell the truth always and everywhere. Don’t tell them, for example: “If I told you that you don’t have this, they would fall behind,” while he has “it.” Instead, teach them to say yes or no directly. It's easier to say yes or no than to regret it later. Don’t tell your wife in front of them (and even without them): “Say that I’m not here.” Perhaps we don’t even notice, but it is from these small details that the future personality of our child is formed. Therefore, be careful - children literally copy their elders, especially their father, in many ways.

— Responsibility. He said, do it. Promised - fulfill. First of all, be one yourself and teach them to do so. Assign them, in accordance with their age and capabilities, some responsible work. For example, make your son responsible for the order in your library, and demand that he take a responsible approach to this work, but also do not forget to encourage and speak well of what he has done.

— Dignity. Develop in them a sense of dignity as a Muslim and a real man who knows his own worth and knows how to appreciate others. Never humiliate or insult them in front of people. Many people probably remember their father’s words addressed to him as “dumb”, “ignoramus”, etc. Make them feel important. Consult with them and listen to them carefully, even if you have already made a decision for yourself. Greet them with the greeting of Islam: “Assalamu alaikum”! And if you also give him a “kunya”, then that’s even better.

— Courage and Courage. Tell them stories of the courage and perseverance of our righteous ancestors shown on the battlefields. Don’t scare them with all sorts of “now BUBU will come for you”, trying to make them fall asleep. As the Latin proverb says, “a child injured by fire is always afraid of it.” Train them male species sports. Give them to some sports section in wrestling, judo, etc., this will give them, in addition to physical endurance, also moral stability in the face of difficulties. Let them find out own experience, which means looking your opponent in the eyes. Don't dress your son up like a girl, distance them from any effeminacy and femininity, such as women's hairstyles, gestures, manners, etc.

— Cultivate in them the courage to speak in front of an audience(this is one of the very important qualities), develop this ability in them (an example would be the boy sheikh from Egypt, Muslim Said. Read how his father taught him to speak in front of a crowd). Take them with you to various meetings, this will develop their insight and intelligence, allowing them to learn how to behave with elders and worthy people. If possible, take them with you to lectures and lessons at the mosque. Let the mosque become their second home. After all, it is no secret to any of us what influence and role the mosque has on the formation and development of a Muslim in particular and Muslim society in general.

With these few examples, we wanted to remind young parents that our future is in our children, and by the will of Allah Almighty it partly depends on us, on how we raise them.

Don't stop believing. Think about all the life forms on Earth. How does something like this happen in such a large, wide galaxy? It doesn't matter if you believe in the Great Man in White, Jesus, or even Unearthly Invasions, there is something special about this. Maybe you have to see it all for yourself, or you have to help another person understand the same thing you do. All in your hands!

You shouldn't change anything in life if you're afraid of it. No need! If you don't feel important or seem inadequate, then you need to change and start living differently. Maybe you just need to try something new, call up a couple of old acquaintances, make new friends, or even run a garage music group. Use your brain and try something that requires more than just your efforts. Friends can always influence each other.

Work as a team! You are not alone. You have something to give that can change someone else's life. Sometimes our time is the most valuable thing we can give each other.

Discover religion. Many people find purpose in life by starting to believe in higher power. Religion is great way change your point of view, and even if you don't become a believer, you can always meet new people.

Find yourself! Of course, if you had a map, you could plot your location, but perhaps you should take a closer look at what motivates you.

You don't have to change the world. We don't live in a society where it's imperative that you either fly or die. There is enough to observe and leave a different mark. The most important person for you is yourself.

Many people have done selfless acts without even noticing it. But little do they know that those whom they helped are very grateful to them for it. As if you offered your uneaten bagel to someone in a cafe, and would not attach any importance to it. This person may have had financial difficulties and could not afford to buy food on the day of their job interview. Your kindness could give him good mood, and would allow me to get a job. But if you weren't alive, he most likely wouldn't be able to get a job and would still be worried hard times. You do many good deeds every day without even noticing, and your actions have a great impact on those around you.

Understand the impact you have had on the world. In your mind, you consider yourself just another face in the crowd. Another pair of hands, another imperfect person. But it's not right. Your attitude defines your entire being and all attitudes are contagious. Change your attitude towards yourself if it is not okay.

• Have a good attitude towards life. If you simply smile at everyone you see, those around you will be much more more chances that their day will be successful. Simply showing a smile makes you happy and your mood will rub off on other people.
• Your bad points of view should not be spread. When you're having a bad day and you just can't control your panic, don't let others know about it. Try to gather all your will into a fist so that you can show those around you your smile all day long. This will make them happier, and seeing many people smile will likely make you happy too. If you scowl at everyone you see, your mood will rub off on them and they will all have a bad day too.