Question: Hello! I talked with the teacher, to which she told me in detail about my child, about her behavior. As the teacher explained to me, there are very few children like my daughter in the group. She is mature for her 5 years, she thinks correctly, is responsible, tries to cover everything and have time to do everything. She believes that everything should be done well; the teacher called this hyper-responsibility.
Basically, the children in the group are ordinary, no different, but Vika is very active and she needs to learn everything new and interesting, for example, she can draw all day, sit and draw, because she likes it.
This child’s desire to constantly be busy with something - is it normal or not? In principle, there is no such thing that she does something through force, she always does only what she likes. I wouldn’t say that she is very smart or abstruse, she’s just appropriate for her age, well, she can read and count, but many children can do this.
So the question is: who are they, children with hyper-responsibility - are they children with a certain charisma who want to be singled out, listened to, and paid attention to? From the teacher’s stories, I realized that only Vika helps her lead all the holidays, participates in all events, she herself wants this.
I just want to somehow relax her, not stress her, we even offer her activities that do not excite her nervous system, for example drawing.
Sincerely, the Lazovsky family.
Anastasia Komarova, psychologist answers:
Hello! Your letter conveys concern for your daughter. It is clear that you are worried about what is happening to her; how she develops and grows is important to you.
But, to be honest, it is difficult for me to answer your letter, since the question you are asking is not entirely clear. And also a lot of information “from third parties” (educators), which means part of it (in the process of transmission), unfortunately, was lost. Nevertheless, let's try to understand the questions that are raised in your letter.
First: hyper-responsibility (excellent student syndrome). This is a collection of certain visible manifestations of a person in different life situations.
Indeed, such people try to do everything “excellently” and receive only excellent assessments of their activities. IN mature age this may (or may not) develop into perfectionism - the desire and desire to do everything better than others and only perfectly. It’s as if these people have been taking an exam all their lives. At school - only best ratings, at work - the best employee, the ideal wife, best mother and so on. This requires enormous effort. And the worst thing is that a person is deprived of the opportunity to be himself, to believe that he will be loved for who he is, deprives himself of the right to make mistakes, and relies in everything on the assessment of others!
But in life, everything is not always perfect. This is where the fear of “getting a bad mark” comes in! How a person will react to a situation of failure depends on his personal and psychophysiological (temperament, characteristics of the course of nervous processes, excitability) features. It’s hard for me to say what structure your daughter has. This fear is especially actualized in the younger school age(first – second grade) and in adolescence, when it is very important for a teenager how others perceive him, what “grade” they give him.
-...It’s just that this child’s desire to constantly be busy with something is it normal or not, in principle there is no such thing for her to do something through force, she always does only what she likes.....
"I have to do this, no one can handle this task better than me, I have to help everyone, arrange everything, figure everything out, I have to be good and correct“... Such thoughts often visit a person with hyper-responsibility.
The birth of this feeling lies deep in the origins of childhood. It is the hyper-responsibility syndrome that appears against the background of parental attitudes and desires.
A man is born, and his psyche is blank slate paper. Gradually, his consciousness is filled with attitudes from outside, loaded with foreign programs. Which subsequently prevents a person from living and breathing to the fullest.
Parents are also children of their parents. And such programs can be carried from generation to generation. And parents themselves are often filled with expectations and attitudes that they were unable to implement in their lives and transfer them to their children. Is it worth reproaching them for this if your life has turned into an eternal race in a wheel of endless tasks? Of course not. The task here is rather to become aware of alien scenarios and beliefs, free yourself from them and begin your creative life.
Hyperresponsibility is the desire to take on obligations that may not even apply to you. And this is important to realize.
How can you diagnose yourself with hyper-responsibility syndrome?
Please note the following factors:
- You are often busy a large number business
- There is never enough time for anything.
- You are constantly presented with new tasks, which you take on with great reluctance.
- You have a feeling that you always owe everyone.
- The concerns of your loved ones and colleagues come first.
- You feel responsible for the feelings and experiences of other people (as if you were playing in it main role).
- It seems to you that not a single matter will be solved without you, and you definitely need to control everything.
- You are very annoyed irresponsible people, striving to make everything simpler and faster.
- You cannot refuse your mom/dad/brother/sister/grandmother help, because without you everything can collapse, fall apart and sink into oblivion.
Do you recognize yourself in this? Then hyper-responsibility is for you. And now is the time to look into this issue.
Excessive responsibility is cultivated, groomed and cherished from the very beginning. early childhood.
When unfinished homework seems like a disaster to parents. When, at any cost, you urgently need to finish the job, and only then fall asleep peacefully, even if you only have five minutes left to sleep. Feelings of guilt often play a role last role. The belief is formed that if something happens, then I will be to blame, and in order not to experience this feeling, it is necessary to prevent inevitable difficulties.
Parents convince that the child must do everything perfectly, never let anyone down and be true to his decisions and word.
But life often presents us with different situations, as if it poses a challenge. And then hyper-responsibility leads to the fact that it becomes harder to breathe, there are a lot of things to do, there are more people suffering to receive help, and there are fewer and fewer of you. Needless to say, it is almost impossible to achieve internal integrity here.
There have also been cases in practice when a person feels responsible for the weather, traffic jams, events occurring in another country. Yes, and people firmly believe that they are responsible for such things, and could do something to prevent it.
What to do if you have developed hyper-responsibility, which is already greatly interfering with your life?
- Start working with boundaries. A person with a similar syndrome, alas, usually has no boundaries. As a child, people could enter his room without knocking; his pockets and bags were checked with enviable consistency. In essence, a feeling was formed that personal space was either impossible, or shameful, or was called in a simple word"Badly". And where it’s bad, there’s no love.
- Think about your own desires, beliefs, dreams. What do you really want? After all, if you don’t take time for yourself, then in a few years you will have no interest in anything in the world. You just want to lock yourself within four walls and hide from the whole world.
- Determine your area of responsibility at work and in relationships. Your husband is sad - this does not mean that he is sad because of you; the wife is worried - this does not mean that you are the cause of the worries. Mom feels bad, but that doesn’t mean you have to drop everything and run to save her. The boss doesn’t have time to prepare a report - this does not mean that you should quit your work and sit at the computer all night. Learn to separate flies from cutlets. There is your time, which you have planned, and there is the time of your family and colleagues. And if someone did not warn in advance, then it is no longer your responsibility.
- There must be balance in everything. Your first responsibility is to determine important tasks for yourself, and let others know that this is a priority. At work it's a list job responsibilities. At home, this means delineating time for business and household chores. If you know that this Saturday you will need to do something for yourself, then just warn your loved ones that you will be busy from 10:00 to 12:00. All other things come after. This way you delimit your space and the space of others.
Probably, the reader might now have a protest on the topic: " It is impossible for a boss to refuse to fulfill some requirements"Believe me, this is solely because he is already accustomed to assigning his tasks to you. He knows that you will not refuse and will do it. After all, you are a responsible employee.
By the way, hyper-responsible people have a manipulation hook. When they are called very responsible, such people melt and soften, like cheese in a frying pan. It's so important to be responsible. But in reality, you are setting traps for yourself. And the best part is that you can get out of them yourself!
Do you want to explore the issue of hyper-responsibility more deeply? Make an appointment with a psychologist. You will discover a lot of interesting things about yourself and your life. And you can even change and improve a lot.
Good luck to you on your journey!
All people are different. Some never worry at all, even for serious reasons, while others will always find a reason to worry, even the most petty one. Psychologists say that the latter have a sense of increased responsibility, which constantly keeps them in suspense and interferes with their lives. What to do in such a situation? Here are some recommendations.
A hyper-responsible person strives to be responsible not only for what happens in his life, but also for what happens in the lives of other people. And also for situations completely beyond his control. It is typical for him to help someone to their detriment own interests. And he will feel awkward if the obligations he has undertaken cannot be fulfilled even for objective reasons.
Let's say you introduced your friend to a man from your circle, but their relationship did not work out. And now you feel guilty - after all, it was you who brought them together! Although they could just as well have met on their own, and you in no way can be responsible for the development of the relationship between two adult independent people. Or you recommended someone you know to work for your company, but the person didn’t fit in there. But you couldn’t foresee everything - you just brought the applicant together with the employer, and then it was up to them to evaluate each other!
So, the first recommendation. Develop self-confidence. Many people worry too much about what others will think of them and how they will react to their actions. But this makes us dependent on other people’s opinions and limits our own decisions. Psychologists advise imagining that no one praises or condemns you at all. Just do as you see fit. Don't worry about what your friends will say about your new boyfriend - it's enough that you're happy with him. And who cares what your co-workers think about your new dress? Or how will your parents and friends react when they find out that you quit and started your own business?
Relieve yourself of some responsibility. Do not take full responsibility for the situation - no one in the world can do this. If you recommend someone to someone, clarify that you cannot foresee how this person will behave in a particular case - let your interlocutor draw conclusions on his own. When recommending products or services, say that it suits you personally, but you cannot guarantee that the other person will like it. If he wants, let him try. Emphasize that you cannot take into account everything. possible options developments of events - this will protect yourself from possible reproaches.
Make compromises with yourself. If the number of problems facing you tends to infinity, solve the highest priority ones first. You shouldn't take responsibility for everything that happens. Let's say you promised to go shopping with a friend this weekend, but you were suddenly faced with a lot of household chores, and ones that were impossible to put off. There is no point in showing miracles of heroism and trying to make sure that the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe. Call your friend and tell her that you will have to reschedule the shopping trip, or let her go alone. Offended? These are her problems, not yours!
Set specific goals for yourself. Something often doesn't work out in our lives because we have little idea of what exactly we want. Suppose you are looking for new job, but none suitable option it doesn't suit you. Maybe the reason is that we haven’t decided what type of activity you want to do, with what salary and schedule?
Or you can't arrange personal life, because you have very vague ideas about an ideal partner? Do you try to build relationships with one or the other, but after a while everything gets upset... And every time something doesn’t work out, do you feel your own guilt? In this case, psychologists advise taking a piece of paper and writing on it a list of qualities that you would like to see in a partner: for example, attractive appearance, intelligence, sense of humor, absence of material and housing problems, etc. The same goes for your dream job.
Keep records. We all tend to constantly replay problems in our heads, trying to figure out ways to solve them. This leads to the fact that we sleep poorly and get up in the morning at the wrong time. in better shape. If you write down your thoughts and possible options for exiting difficult situations, it will be easier for you to sort each specific case into pieces and sort everything out. You can keep a diary, take notes on your computer, or have a notepad and pen with you. As soon as something comes to mind, write it down! At night, place a notepad near your bed: suddenly, in the morning, wise thoughts will visit you.
If you follow these tips, you will find that your life will become much easier.
When you show your concern for a person too clearly, this is called control.
Now let's figure out how this happens.
Excessive responsibility is cultivated from early childhood in another way - this is called hyper-responsibility.
When unfinished homework seems like a disaster to parents. When, at any cost, you urgently need to finish the job, and only then fall asleep peacefully, even if you only have five minutes left to sleep. Guilt often plays an important role. The belief is formed that if something happens, then I will be to blame, and in order not to experience this feeling, it is necessary to prevent inevitable difficulties.
By trying to control everything and always, the parent supports the child’s irresponsibility, and children also need freedom to choose, freedom to express themselves.
“Hyper” means a lot of something, more or higher than normal. Whatever remarkable properties No matter what our psyche and physiology have, everything is good in moderation. “A step to the left, a step to the right - execution”... It’s the same with Hyper-responsibility: if there is too much responsibility, then this responsibility is already with the prefix hyper.
DIFFERENCES between RESPONSIBILITY AND HYPER RESPONSIBILITY.
RESPONSIBILITY:
Let's figure out the differences between Responsibility and Hyperresponsibility.
Responsibility is accepting your role in own life, the ability to make decisions, make your own choices and correct your mistakes. In other words: accepting that you are the master of your life. Such a person can determine his own tasks and implement them himself; if he makes mistakes, he does not blame anyone, because he is clearly aware of his zone personal responsibility and, therefore, in case of failure does not shift the blame to anyone.
HYPER RESPONSIBILITY:
“A hyper-responsible person, really very “useful around the house”, ready to work a lot, “for himself and for that guy.” What is the portrait of a hyper-responsible woman: active, energetic, cleans, washes, does laundry for everyone, etc. Wonderful man, one thing is bad - he is very unhappy. For a hyper-responsible person, there are no boundaries of responsibility: he will restore order at home, and will invade “foreign territory”, the zone of responsibility of another person, with great pleasure. Of course with the most good intentions: “Not for myself, but for the sake of order.”
This quality was formed not yesterday, but quite a long time ago.
The reason for this habit is most often the fear of loneliness, since a person tries at all costs to be useful and necessary.
WHAT IS PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA AND HOW TO GET RID OF IT:
-What's happened psychological trauma and when does it occur?
-Unresolved psychological trauma can lead to increased anxiety, depression and panic attacks
-How to cope with psychotrauma on your own
Responsibility and Hyperresponsibility are not just “two big differences", these are absolute opposites.
“Personal responsibility is the right or privilege to answer for one’s actions, and above all, to oneself. In the field of personal responsibility there is no room for other people's mistakes, i.e. if there is Responsibility, in this case, actions and life position surrounding people is of a secondary nature: “I and only I am responsible for everything.” "
“Hyper-responsibility carries a fundamentally different content: “I am forced to do all this because there is no one else, my husband doesn’t want..., the children don’t want..., I need this more than anyone else...”, then follows “untranslatable folklore”, the essence of which is simple: “Everyone is bad, and I am a victim of “tyranny.” This is, of course, a somewhat radical example, but very typical.”
“It turns out that a hyper-responsible person takes responsibility for himself and for other people, which, in essence, is an intervention in someone else’s life, and this is a kind of aggression, carefully hidden under the “veil” of care and responsibility. Perhaps to many such a view will seem pure blasphemy against benefactor.
A responsible person is not inclined to blame in principle; he is well aware that he is responsible for everything that happens in his life
Hyper-responsibility, no matter what it is based on, is in any case mixed with a feeling of deep personal dissatisfaction, uncertainty, increased anxiety, the desire to control everything and everyone, with light shades of veiled demonstrativeness.
As a rule, behind Hyperresponsibility there is a personal dramatic story, like a snowball that has absorbed and family stories, and childhood traumas, and much more.
Responsibility is respect for yourself and others, acceptance of the basic laws of life. Responsibility is harmony with the world,
Hyper-responsibility is always internal conflict, conflict with surrounding people, the world, with life...
People who suffer from hyperactivity feel
Responsibility for oneself, for loved ones, for circumstances, worrying about it and without it.
Everything is good but in moderation, otherwise you start living only for others, forgetting about yourself. This is also an attempt to be better than others and justify oneself in the eyes of others. that is, in essence, it is a lack of self-confidence, in one’s strengths and capabilities.
Remember, you are responsible for the actions of only one person - yourself.
And also emotional dependence
are you familiar with the words:
"I'm happy when you're happy"
and we believe that this is a manifestation of love and care, and this love can suffocate
It happens that people are dependent on the mood of another loved one,
who, for example, does not have very positive feelings
and attaches these feelings to himself, that is, he believes that this person is experiencing such feelings because of him.
That is, he begins to blame himself for this - dependence on other people's moods and opinions.
In relationships with people, this dependence can manifest itself in obsessive care, too much desire to help, please, or sacrifice something all the time. V constant anxiety for him, in sudden outbursts of anger and irritation towards him.
It may be possible to replace this obsession with an offer of help: for example: do you need my help or advice?
DIAGNOSIS OF HYPERRESPONSIBILITY:
How can you diagnose yourself with hyper-responsibility syndrome?
Please note the following factors:
You are often overloaded with a lot of things to do
There is never enough time for anything
You are constantly presented with new tasks that you take on with great reluctance.
Do you have a feeling that you always owe everyone
Caring for your loved ones and colleagues comes first
You feel responsible for other people's feelings and experiences (as if you were playing a major role in it)
It seems to you that not a single matter will be solved without you, and you definitely need to control everything
You are greatly annoyed by irresponsible people who try to make everything easier and faster
You cannot refuse your mom/dad/brother/sister/grandmother help, because without you everything can collapse, fall apart and sink into oblivion.
What to do if you have developed hyper-responsibility, which is already greatly interfering with your life?
1. Start working with boundaries. A person with a similar syndrome, alas, usually has no boundaries. As a child, people could enter his room without knocking, and his pockets and bags were checked with enviable regularity. In essence, a feeling was formed that personal space was either impossible, or shameful, or was simply called “bad.” And where it’s bad, there’s no love.
2. Think about your own desires, beliefs, dreams. What do you really want? After all, if you don’t devote time to yourself, then in a few years you will have no interest in anything in the world. You just want to lock yourself within four walls and hide from the whole world.
3. Determine your area of responsibility at work and in relationships. The husband is sad, this does not mean that he is sad because of you, the wife is worried, this does not mean that you are the cause of the worries. Mom feels bad, but that doesn’t mean you have to drop everything and run to save her. The boss does not have time to prepare a report, this does not mean that you should quit your work and sit at the computer all night. Learn to separate flies from cutlets. There is your time, which you have planned, and there is the time of your family and colleagues. And if someone did not warn in advance, then it is no longer your responsibility.
4. There must be balance in everything. Your responsibility is first and foremost to identify important tasks for yourself, and to let others know that these are a priority. At work, this is a list of job responsibilities. At home - this is the delimitation of time for business and household chores. If you know that this Saturday you will need to do something for yourself, then just warn your loved ones that you will be busy from 10:00 to 12:00. All other things come after. This way you demarcate your space and the space of others.
Source: internet
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THIS IS A DESCRIPTION OF THE CHARACTER OF AN “UNHAPPY” PERSON
Its 2 main problems:
1) chronic unsatisfaction of needs,
2) the inability to direct his anger outward, holding it back, and with it holding back all warm feelings, makes him more and more desperate every year: no matter what he does, it doesn’t get better, on the contrary, it only gets worse. The reason is that he does a lot, but not that.
If nothing is done, then, over time, either the person will “burn out at work,” loading himself more and more until he is completely exhausted; or his own self will be emptied and impoverished, unbearable self-hatred will appear, a refusal to take care of oneself, and in the future, even self-hygiene.
A person becomes like a house from which the bailiffs have removed the furniture.
Against the backdrop of hopelessness, despair and exhaustion, there is no strength or energy even for thinking.
Complete loss of the ability to love. He wants to live, but he begins to die: sleep and metabolism are disturbed...
It is difficult to understand what he lacks precisely because we are not talking about the deprivation of possession of someone or something. On the contrary, he has the possession of deprivation, and he is not able to understand what he is deprived of. His own self turns out to be lost. He feels unbearably painful and empty: and he cannot even put it into words.
If you recognize yourself in the description and want to change something, you urgently need to learn two things:
1. Learn the following text by heart and repeat it all the time until you learn to use the results of these new beliefs:
- I have a right to needs. I am, and I am I.
- I have the right to need and satisfy needs.
- I have the right to ask for satisfaction, the right to achieve what I need.
- I have the right to crave love and love others.
- I have the right to a decent organization of life.
- I have the right to express dissatisfaction.
- I have the right to regret and sympathy.
- ...by right of birth.
- I may get rejected. I may be alone.
- I'll take care of myself anyway.
I would like to draw the attention of my readers to the fact that the task of “learning a text” is not an end in itself. Autotraining by itself will not give any lasting results. It is important to live, feel, and find confirmation of it in life. It is important that a person wants to believe that the world can be arranged somehow differently, and not just the way he is used to imagining it. That how he lives this life depends on himself, on his ideas about the world and about himself in this world. And these phrases are just a reason for thought, reflection and search for your own, new “truths”.
2. Learn to direct aggression towards the person to whom it is actually addressed.
...then it will be possible to experience and express warm feelings to people. Realize that anger is not destructive and can be expressed.
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FOR K EACH “NEGATIVE EMOTION” LIES A NEED OR DESIRE, THE SATISFACTION OF WHICH IS THE KEY TO CHANGES IN LIFE...
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Psychosomatic diseases (it will be more correct) are those disorders in our body that are based on psychological causes. psychological reasons are our reactions to traumatic (difficult) life events, our thoughts, feelings, emotions that do not find timely, correct specific person expressions.
Mental defenses are triggered, we forget about this event after a while, and sometimes instantly, but the body and the unconscious part of the psyche remember everything and send us signals in the form of disorders and diseases
Sometimes the call may be to respond to some events from the past, to bring “buried” feelings out, or the symptom simply symbolizes what we forbid ourselves.
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The negative impact of stress on human body, and especially distress, is colossal. Stress and the likelihood of developing diseases are closely related. Suffice it to say that stress can reduce immunity by approximately 70%. Obviously, such a decrease in immunity can result in anything. And it’s also good if it’s simple colds, and what about cancer or asthma, the treatment of which is already extremely difficult?
