What do they look like, these very points of support? They can look different: it could be an apartment, work, person, animal, food, alcohol and much more.
Job
For example, let's take work. For some people work is just a place where he makes money, and nothing more. A person does not attach any serious importance to work, he just goes to work and that’s it. If it happens that he has to leave this job, he will not be particularly upset. There are plenty of other places in our world where you can make money, in in this case work should not be considered a point psychological support. Work can be considered a fulcrum only if a person has merged it with his own life and destiny. In other words, for such a person work is life, or at least one of its most important components.
Very a shining example can serve people who lived most of their lives in the USSR. In those days it was considered great dignity work at one company all your life, and to work with soul, devoting oneself to work, this type of attitude was encouraged in every possible way and therefore it is not surprising that for many people work has become their life. Therefore, it is quite reasonable to equate work and the meaning of life. A person imbued with such an attitude, when fired, for some reason, loses the meaning of life and goes into deep depression or binge drinking. Some people find the strength to get back on their feet and continue on their way through life, while others fade away for the rest of their lives and live only with memories of that “happy” life.
Another option, more modern - A businessman who started his own business loving him passionately, devoting himself to this matter entirely and completely, without reserve. And if for some time things were going well for him, and in addition to money, he also received his own satisfaction, as well as the respect of others, then what would happen if this fulcrum, (take away or destroy his business) what will happen to the person? He can easily lose interest in life for several years, or even for life. But people have different wills and attitudes towards life; for some, a week may be enough to worry, and then he will get up and start something else. The fulcrum can also be called in other words, very the word importance is appropriate, something or someone.
Man as a fulcrum
A person can also be a fulcrum, for example, son for parents, husband for wife and vice versa, in general Any dear and close person can become a support point for someone. How to find out whether a loved one is a fulcrum for you or not? It’s very simple, if you live more of this person’s life than your own, this person is a fulcrum, if the loss of this person or a long separation is a disaster for you, this is again a fulcrum. At first glance, what’s so terrible about parents worrying about their son or a wife worrying about her husband? This is good, you say. Yes, this is not bad, but there is a limit for everything. We must not lead to fanaticism. If a son cannot calmly sneeze and not immediately receive a handful of pills, or dress the way he likes, he is constantly being watched out of a feeling of excessive love, then such love and care sometimes makes you want to run away into the forest and hide in a dugout so as not to see anyone and not hear. In this case, at least two people are not living their lives, the one who is cared for and the one who is cared for.
In such cases, I always want to ask those who overprotect someone - What, you have nothing else to do, how to take care, and, frankly speaking, keep an eye on your loved one? Why do you think that your head knows better what a person wants, because he has his own worldview, his own wants. Why do you think that a person whom you consider family and friends should live in a prison of your wishes and beliefs? Live your life and let others live theirs.
For people who are overprotective of someone close to them, own life and fate empty space , it is unimportant and not needed for them, since they waste it so much. If the person under his care is taken away from such a person, and forever, (this will not necessarily be death, the person can simply say “stop looking after me, leave me alone” and will no longer allow me to interfere in his life, in other words, it will take away a person’s point of support, So what? What will happen to someone who has been deprived of the most important thing in life - the object of his care, interests, meaning? Anyone who has lost their point of support becomes psychologically disabled for some time and becomes useless, I would even say a burden, both for themselves and for those around them. Support points are the most important thing in a person’s life, his consciousness rests on them, they give a person the illusion of the need and importance of his life itself. Without them, a person does not see the meaning of life; without points of support, a person does not live, but lives out his life.
At first glance, they are necessary, even necessary for a person, but at a certain moment they become his psychological hell, and so it always is, all points of support will sooner or later become hell. A fulcrum is artificially created by the mind for itself illusion of the importance of some object, person or event. Most often, someone’s point of support is an empty space for others, nothing meaningful game imagination.
The fulcrum can also be called an idol for worship; consciousness itself created the idol, deified it, and itself worships and prays to it. Usually a person has several points of support, but not many, and it happens that he has absolutely one, more often than not, the fewer points of support, the greater their importance for a person and the more disastrous the consequences of its loss.
In fact, the fulcrum is the limitation of consciousness, stubbornness in one corner and not seeing the rest of the world. Correct Understanding This question reveals to a person the equivalence of his entire surrounding world and eliminates the limitations of perception. In other words, a person receives not one or two toys as a gift, but the whole world, filled with joy and happiness, and if something disappears from this boundless space, it will not bring pain and suffering. A person living on the seashore does not notice the disappearance of one pebble from the coast, because he has them the whole coast. But on the other hand, if he creates points of support for himself (chooses several pebbles from the coast and falls in love with them), then the loss of one of them will be a tragedy.
Loving loved ones is necessary and very important, but don’t turn it into fanaticism
Love should be a gift!
The first and most important point of support should be for every person on himself, but also without fanaticism and idealization. That is, we all must understand that in life we only have ourselves, from the beginning of life to the end, until the very last moment, everything else in life is given to us for a while, including close people, not to mention work , car, apartment and other generally accepted values, so you should not assign the importance of your whole life to them.
A person who has realized his value, importance and significance for himself will no longer impose himself on others with claims that he is not loved, is given little attention and in some other way does not stroke his ego. That’s it, he no longer needs it, he has become a spiritual adult and realized that if he himself does not fill his inner emptiness, not one person in the world will be able to do it for him. He becomes free and happy to the maximum given by his fate.
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24.03.2015
Find your footing
When you get out of depression, from a series of failures and defeats that have dumped you in a hole, you create strength in yourself. Your old strength that led you to success for a long time and allowed you to achieve victories that you were proud of - destroyed. Now you need to create in yourself strength from scratch, a force that will lead you to new victories and achievements, which will allow you to conquer heights that now seem inaccessible to you. Now your strength is much weaker than before. It's damn hard to get up and move forward. Starting from scratch when everything has burned down. To build everything again when everything is destroyed.
Strength does not come immediately. At one point you suddenly realize that you can no longer do anything. What once seemed easy now seems overwhelming. The old force is no more. All that was left was weakness and grief of disappointment. Depression that gnaws at you from the inside and doesn’t make you understand why you should continue to live if all your efforts were in vain. And do you really need to live after all this?
Day after day passes, and eventually you realize that you have reached a point below which you will no longer fall. You can call it bottom. This is the very moment when you make a decision: either let everything go as usual, as it is, becoming even worse; or you, even if you have almost no strength left, are trying to guide, change life in your favor. Submit her to your will.
And if you choose the second option, then you begin to recover - you begin to gain strength, creating it in yourself from scratch. Strength is felt in waves - then you feel that everything has become good again and you, as before, can do a lot. And suddenly the next day you again feel crushed and broken, and it seems that it is useless. Nevertheless, there is a struggle inside - and each new surge of strength seems more powerful and stronger than the previous one. And moments of weakness and despondency become less frequent and weaker.
I've been through this many times. Unfortunately I have to go through this again. How cool it is when everything is already built and you reach new heights with minimal effort. But a crushing blow destroys your powerful fortress of success and prosperity and you are left with nothing. At first you can’t believe it, then you can’t come to terms with it... It takes a long time before you can find your new point supports, your bottom from which you can push off.
I hope that I have found this point and now everything will be different. I will try to create strength in myself from scratch. I wish good luck to site visitors. I would especially like to thank everyone who supported me.
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If you take a closer look at the activity of people in this world, you will find that most of them, without knowing it, are in constant search for support. But in reality, people almost never find it, because there can be no genuine internal support in the outside world. Peter Zorin
When we internally focus on objective reality, our happiness begins to depend on the external world. And then outside world forced to continue to provide us with supports: material, emotional, financial, physical, relational. If suddenly there is a failure and the supply stops, we are experiencing a deep crisis. Peter Zorin
People who do not have internal support sometimes assume that it can be found in another person. Unexpected behavior loved one then it is regarded as the collapse of all supports. An attempt to compensate in this way for the lack of one’s own internal support has never been successful for anyone.
If you are tired of straining, you have lost faith in yourself, what you want no longer seems so alluring - all these actions were not connected with internal support.
To achieve maturity, a person needs to overcome his desire to receive support from the world around him and find new sources of support within himself.
Maturity or mental health- this is the ability to move from relying on the environment and from regulating oneself environment to self-reliance and self-regulation. Frederick Perls
The main condition for both self-reliance and self-regulation is a state of balance. The condition for achieving this balance is awareness of your needs, distinguishing between the main and the secondary.
The ability to rely on yourself grows and grows stronger around the time you gain the ability to do what you consider necessary. Do it regardless of what your environment thinks about it. You yourself should have a feeling of the importance of what you are doing.
Growing up, or maturity, occurs when a person mobilizes his strengths and abilities to overcome depression, anxiety, disappointment, despair and fear that arise from a lack of support from others.
A situation in which a person cannot take advantage of the support of others and rely on himself is called a dead end. Maturity is about taking risks to get out of a dead end.
The search for culprits or the desire to manipulate deprive a person of a foothold. Accepting your responsibility opens up a sea of opportunity, freedom and choice.
A fulcrum within ourselves makes us realize that the source of happiness, stability, and reliability is within us, giving us the strength to meet different situations calmly, with wisdom and courage.
Self-reliance is love guided by inner wisdom and does not depend on results obtained from the outside. It is not driven by fear, not based on titles, points of view, property, money, specific person or some external activities. Davidji
The most powerful support in the world is love, the strongest support in life is inner rod. Juliana Wilson
People who have true inner support are self-sufficient. They don't need anyone to support them, prove them right, or comfort them. One of the very important features Such people are characterized by their inner honesty before themselves. Peter Zorin
“To be, to exist in this world already means to have a relationship with it. And just as we relate to the world in general, we relate to everything that surrounds us. After all, parents, people known and unknown, and all objects and animals are part of the world. But the matter is not limited to simply existing in given circumstances. Relationships with the world are, first of all, about understanding the rules of the game called life.
Surprisingly, only Martin Heidegger developed this topic in philosophy at the beginning of the twentieth century*. He described such rules by calling them “existentials.” These are the conditions under which we exist in the world, “the givens of our existence.” After all, we end up in a situation that we did not choose. Gender and era, parents and nationality, social class and even, for example, the city in which we live - we do not choose any of this. Therefore, our task is to accept these givens. And even if we are planning to move to another city or want to break into a different social class or even change gender - first we must accept that we now live in this city, were born a man or a woman... Then we can understand that this does not suit us , and try to change, but it all starts with acceptance. Heidegger saw the essence of acceptance as stopping to be afraid of one's circumstances and learning to look at them calmly.
Our relationships with the world are formed in the first seven years of life. The second seven years are dedicated to our relationships with other people. In the third, we build relationships with ourselves. First, the child discovers the world and learns to interact with it. The model for such interaction is his relationship with his mother: for the baby, the mother is the world. After one and a half years, other factors also come into play: trust in the world arises not only thanks to parents. In the end, a relationship with him is a personal decision for each of us. We have the freedom to trust the world.
The word “trust” is used here for a reason. Remember how you perceive reality small child. He either cuddles up to his mother, or, making sure that he is safe, goes off to explore the world. And the distance of these “shuttle expeditions” is increasing every time. The child learns that the ground is hard and you can walk on it, that the neighbor’s dog is kind and won’t bite, that the swing in the yard is strong and won’t break. He learns to trust: his mother, nature, people and his own strength.
How is fundamental trust experienced? Here's how: I laid part of my problems on something or someone, on some support - and the support stood! Moreover, there is no obligatory love and joy, there is only the experience of relationships with people who accepted me. So, I can be and they let me be!
Our whole life, our relationship with the world is the search and creation of supports on which we can place part of the burden of our life. We find friends, learn a profession, start a family. The support can be the structure in which we work, relationships with colleagues, our abilities and interests, people and groups of people... One of the most important supports is our own body. We feel well-rooted when we have many supports.
The decision to trust is also related to the realism of our perception. The closer to reality our assessment of this or that support, the less disappointment and the more trust in people and in ourselves. Supports usually fail those who do not agree to accept reality, who want to remake it at their own discretion and do not perceive what does not meet their expectations. The world does not fit into schemes and theories at all. (The only reliable statement about him is that he does not guarantee anything to any of us.) Only an open position of trusting curiosity can save.
By the way, stories about grievances that can be overcome and overcome through forgiveness are always stories about support that did not live up to expectations. And one of the practices of forgiveness is precisely to help a person understand: could someone who turned out to be an unreliable support be able to withstand the load placed on him? Gratitude, on the contrary, is an experience associated with the fact that my support did not let me down. Anything can happen to any of us at any moment - this is one of the main rules of the game. And this is the most big check our relations with the world. When all the supports fall, will there be anything left? How can I then be at peace? And can I be? Or will I fall into this abyss of horror and despair, because there are no more supports?
In existential analysis there is the concept of “the basis of being.” We are talking about an experience rooted, as a rule, in previous experience. The experience that even if all the supports collapse, something will still remain. This very complex philosophical construction is nevertheless intuitively understandable to everyone who is content with the phrase: “It has never happened that way.” This is the basis of our existence.
I really like the image of the world as a trampoline stretched over an abyss. You can look in horror through the mesh into the abyss. Or you can focus your gaze on the weaves of this grid itself, realizing that it has withstood us more than once. Yes, she threw us up - so that we clumsily fell on her. But she persevered. And it will endure again. A person with such a focus of vision, with such an attitude towards the world, is well established in life - regardless of everything else. This ultimate experience of trust is often called God by people. But this is not a matter of belief in specific gods. This is a question of our relationship with the world.”
* M. Heidegger “Being and Time” (Academic project, 2013).
In neurology. pronounced VSD (I won’t describe it in detail because it will take a long time), that’s why my mother and sister didn’t like me, I became an outcast and a scapegoat for those closest to me. My mother is a very weak person, she couldn’t cope psychologically with her sick daughter and blamed I have a guilt complex that I’m ruining her life, and “I’m making up all the problems.” Her position in life is to run away from problems, i.e., from me.. She “didn’t notice” obvious neurological abnormalities and made me a “tyrant” for herself and my infancy, and myself as a poor unhappy mother.. I was a black sheep in society, most of all I was oppressed by my own sister, who was a leader by nature and everyone loved and respected her. Instead of the protection and help that was necessary in my weak state, I received kicks .At the age of 19, I met my ex-husband, who turned out to be a tyrant, he was the only “close” person in my life who betrayed me, then I was left alone with the child... I left my husband myself. In terrible depression, from which I could not get out in a few years, until now. I no longer have the strength to live. There are no friends, relatives, work, education, health.. There is no points of support, I all alone. Relatives build dachas, travel abroad... they have no time for me... occasionally they give handouts, because it is important for them to feel like “good people” out of a sense of duty, but in my situation their “kindness” will not affect my life in any way and a way out of depression, there are no close friendships. I asked for help and said what the hell I was in, but no one cares. I don’t even care, but everyone condemns me.. There is no money for paid medical services, for fitness, courses. .too. I’m in a vacuum. I’ve read a lot of psychological literature, but the main problem is me alone, completely without strength. How to cope with the contempt and rejection of others.
Nina! Yes, your condition is understandable, it is very difficult to be alone, without outside support, understanding and help. Therefore, here it is really worth focusing on yourself and gradually changing your destiny. Your description shows some kind of doom and hopelessness, and only you yourself can get out of this! There is an explanation for what is happening to you now - this is your past, there were some situations that, as a result of this traumatic moment, you now behave the way you do and perceive yourself accordingly. Now there are many psychotechnologies that allow you to make quick changes, recycle the old negative experience, and you will become what you want to become. They will come with a clean head and right thoughts and it will become clear how best to proceed here. This work with your life line, when memory is rewritten, and the problem will significantly decrease. You can go to my website, there are many examples based on real work with clients, in the *Articles* section, incl. on personal problems, and with a variety of conditions. There are situations in life when we have accumulated some kind of negative experience, or your psyche has not been able to process something and cope with it, hence there is no motivation for action, anger, aggression, etc., although the reason here is somewhat different. maybe there was something so negative in your past that your memory has forgotten these stories for you, but a trace of it remains. On my website there are articles on a variety of fears. You have probably lost the meaning of life somewhere. And in life it happens that in response to our problematic state, we can receive some unpleasant events in life. It’s worth dealing with all this, removing what has now accumulated in you and leading you to new positive states and changes. On my website there is material on the most different problems, you can read it. I think this will help you understand something for yourself. Let me send you one of my articles)) Good luck!)
Become and be a confident person. Posted in Articles | March 20, 2015
If we take into account that the vast majority of people have low self-esteem, and the rest have fragmentary (I would say) low self-esteem - only in some area of self-realization, then the first place of work of a psychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist is precisely the work on self-confidence in all areas of life.
And as an example, I would like to give you a little work with a client from Moscow, a 23-year-old girl, where, among other problematic conditions, self-doubt and low self-esteem were reported.
It is worth noting that the basis of problems is always some kind of past negative experience, starting from distant childhood. It was the same this time.
The first memory is early age When the father drank, there were constant scandals in the family, and little attention was paid to the girl. She generally grew up unloved, and not very happy child, this is where the first problems with self-esteem arose. I helped her change this situation, and the client filled herself with self-esteem, self-love and inner light.
The next memory is about difficulties in relationships with classmates. The client said that she was *spread* (the girl’s words) from 4th to 9th grade, until she moved to another school, where the situation became much better. Here we brought to her awareness the information that she would never be a schoolgirl again, and living with the problems of those years, worsening the quality of her life here and now, makes no sense.
Next came a story about problems with boys in adolescence. Somehow the relationship didn’t work out, and the client realized for herself: “They probably don’t like me, I’m worse than others.” In addition, then there was a guy who she really liked, but when they got to know each other a little better, he said that the girl was only suitable for him for sex, but not for a relationship. And because of this, self-esteem crept down again.
The problem state was in the form of a gray veil, and we replaced it with self-confidence. The understanding came that at that time these were only the first attempts, and not everyone was successful, at most various reasons, and not at all because she is worse than others.
The following story looked more or less successful, but still presented a certain problem for the client. She had already been married for several years, but was very jealous of her husband. In his environment (at work) there were girls of model appearance, and the client considered herself the most ordinary girl. Here I also had to work as an experienced psychologist, sexologist and psychotherapist. We tapped *our self image*.
The model’s image was like this: “she’s taller than me, thinner. And I stand and feel tight (we changed this to self-confidence and inner strength)". Next came stiffness, it symbolized a chain, and the altered state became emancipation. Then - comparing yourself with others. The problematic state had the appearance of a mirror, we also removed it and replaced it with the realization that *I am better*. And there were reasons for this. Among all the other girls, her husband chose her. And when we began to check to what extent the problem had been solved, the girl saw the changed picture and said: “now I see that I am standing higher than her (the model she saw at the beginning).”
And further to secure it positive changes I asked her a question: *****What sets you apart from other girls, what do you have that they don’t? And she answered the following: sincerity, care, warmth, tenderness and affection.
Each of us has something to love about us and what makes us different from others. But when we have problems with self-esteem and self-doubt, then all this remains in the shadows, and our problem comes to the fore, covering up all the best in us.
So, draw your conclusions, gentlemen!
Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Moscow
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