Emotional support is a complex and subtle matter. Without them, we tend to stick and merge with everyone we like. For example, most people understand that it is still necessary to rely financially on oneself, or at least strive for this, right? But for some reason emotional sphere is perceived by many as something that needs to be continuously shared with someone.
What does a girl who doesn’t feel her boundaries or her supports do in a relationship with a man? She, with whom she is connected, for example, by a pleasant circumstance or situation, spins it to the scale of love (in her head), and then draws attention from the victim, who suspects nothing. The girl wants to share everything that she sees around her axis with a new friend, she wants to notify him of joys and sorrows, she requires support and understanding, and between the lines it is clear that she lacks self-acceptance, she seeks help from others, even without thinking that they are not responsible for it.
In such euphoria, it is easy to lose your bearings and cross the line. So often a new, barely emerging sympathy disappears on the vine, because no one owes you anything and your “rich inner world“No one has become interested in it yet. It is interesting to those who love you - the closest ones, everyone else is content with their own worlds and at first stays apart, which is normal.
How do internal supports differ from external ones? External refers to work, your hobbies and environment. But no matter how beautiful they are, they cannot be considered a last resort or a lifeline. Friends have the right not to give us what we need, so difficult circumstances It is so important to be able to focus on yourself, so as not to be disappointed in the lack of reaction from others.
What are these internal supports? By by and large these are your values and guidelines for life. If you imagine them well, have obligations to yourself, and are guided by your ideas about morality, then this is a system that will always help you withstand the most controversial cases and will feed you with energy. Self-reliance is a miraculous source of self-esteem. This way you are less dependent on the mood and promises of others, more following your own instructions. Do you hear your own inner voice, rather than trying to guess the thoughts of others. But you shouldn’t go too far: self-reliance does not imply a total refusal of help. It’s about the fact that you don’t expect anyone to take care of you or solve current problems. First of all, you will deal with them yourself, and if the resources are no longer enough, try turning to your loved ones.
What prevents you from recognizing your inner supports? Of course, infantilism comes first! This is such a permission for yourself not to grow up, to be a little girl, unable to control your own will. Infantile girls always suffer and easily share their sacred problems with others. They immodestly declare this as some kind of their talent - to suffer and suffer. Everyone around is callous and silent, and they are people with a subtle mental organization, which everyone is trying to hurt. Instead of stopping the process of dissolving in their own weakness, infantile young ladies become stuck and concentrate on it. This vicious circle, from which you can only get out of efforts and actions. That is, do not wallow in these experiences together with all your friends, but simply leave that topic and go to another. IN favorite hobby, to work, to normal, useful friendships.
A weak personality always merges with those around him, because at the first problem he is not able to rely on himself, but is only able to worry and shout to the world about his trouble. Therefore, supports are also about strength of spirit and character. The interesting thing is that the idea of "becoming yourself" is actually the same as "becoming strong personality" Therefore, do not look for yourself in endless advice and motivational books, it is better to look for support and inner rod- this is you.
Another question that helps you feel real support: “What do I owe?” It carries an invisible therapeutic effect and cools down the ardor. For some reason in modern society It has become common to declare: “I don’t owe anyone anything,” but the roots of this belief lie in the manipulation of other people. We do not live in an isolated world, and it is very important to understand what we truly owe - to society, family, close friends. It is important to respect and accept your involvement in others and to seek a balance between your own and other people’s values. A person who denies his duty will not be happy; he will be isolated not only from external, but also from internal supports. You remember that the latter are formed thanks to useful activity and the ability to take responsibility? And, of course, think about what you really cannot do without.
This need is often not realized. For example, it seems to you that you need freedom, but when faced with it, you feel panic, which means you are not ready to take responsibility for this freedom. Think about it: almost any choice we make will be wonderful when we understand that we really need it and we are able to reconcile all the contradictions that arise within ourselves. And the main thing that is worth saying: do not blame your parents for the lack of your internal support and the presence of dependencies on others. Only we ourselves have the power to educate ourselves and rely on the true strength of spirit, and not on our ego. And everyone has these powers!
What do they look like, these very points of support? They can look different: it could be an apartment, work, person, animal, food, alcohol and much more.
Job
For example, let's take work. For some people work is just a place where he makes money, and nothing more. A person does not attach any serious importance to work, he just goes to work and that’s it. If it happens that he has to leave this job, he will not be particularly upset. There are plenty of other places in our world where you can make money, in in this case work should not be considered a point psychological support. Work can be considered a fulcrum only if a person has merged it with his own life and destiny. In other words, for such a person work is life, or at least one of its most important components.
Very a shining example can serve people who lived most of their lives in the USSR. In those days it was considered great dignity work at one company all your life, and to work with soul, devoting oneself to work, such an attitude was encouraged in every possible way and therefore it is not surprising that for many people work has become their life. Therefore, it is quite reasonable to equate work and the meaning of life. A person imbued with such an attitude, when fired, for some reason, loses the meaning of life and goes into deep depression or binge drinking. Some people find the strength to get back on their feet and continue their path through life, while others fade away for the rest of their lives and live only with memories of that “happy” life.
Another option, more modern - A businessman who started his own business loving him passionately, devoting himself to this matter entirely and completely, without reserve. And if for some time things were going well for him, and in addition to money, he also received his own satisfaction, as well as the respect of others, then what will happen if this point of support is knocked out from him (take away or destroy his business), what will happen with a person? He can easily lose interest in life for several years, or even for life. But people have different wills and attitudes towards life; for some, a week may be enough to worry, and then he will get up and start something else. The fulcrum can also be called in other words, very the word importance is appropriate, something or someone.
Man as a fulcrum
A person can also be a fulcrum, For example, son for parents, husband for wife and vice versa, in general any road and close person may become a fulcrum for someone. How to find out whether a loved one is a fulcrum for you or not? It’s very simple, if you live more of this person’s life than your own, this person is a fulcrum, if the loss of this person or a long separation is a disaster for you, this is again a fulcrum. At first glance, what’s so terrible about parents worrying about their son or a wife worrying about her husband? This is good, you say. Yes, this is not bad, but there is a limit for everything. We must not lead to fanaticism. If a son cannot calmly sneeze and not immediately receive a handful of pills, or dress the way he likes, he is constantly being watched out of a feeling of excessive love, then such love and care sometimes makes you want to run into the forest and hide in a dugout so as not to see anyone and not hear. In this case, at least two people are not living their lives, the one who is cared for and the one who is cared for.
In such cases, I always want to ask those who overprotect someone - What, you have nothing else to do, how to take care, and, frankly speaking, keep an eye on your loved one? Why do you think that your head knows better what a person wants, because he has his own worldview, his own wants. Why do you think that a person whom you consider family and friends should live in a prison of your wishes and beliefs?
Live your life and let others live theirs. For people who are overprotective of someone close to them, own life and fate , it is unimportant and not needed for them, since they waste it so much. If the person under his care is taken away from such a person, and forever, (this will not necessarily be death, the person can simply say “stop looking after me, leave me alone” and will no longer allow me to interfere in his life, in other words, it will take away a person’s point of support, So what? What will happen to someone who has been deprived of the most important thing in life - the object of his care, interests, meaning? Anyone who has lost their point of support becomes psychologically disabled for some time and becomes useless, I would even say a burden, both for themselves and for those around them. Support points are the most important thing in a person’s life, his consciousness rests on them, they give a person the illusion of the need and importance of his life itself. Without them, a person does not see the meaning of life; without points of support, a person does not live, but lives out his life.
At first glance, they are necessary, even necessary for a person, but at a certain moment they become his psychological hell, and so it always is, all points of support will sooner or later become hell. A fulcrum is artificially created by the mind for itself illusion of the importance of some object, person or event. Most often, someone’s point of support is an empty space for others, nothing meaningful game imagination.
The fulcrum can also be called an idol for worship; consciousness itself created the idol, deified it, and itself worships and prays to it. Usually a person has several points of support, but not many, and it happens that he has absolutely one, more often than not, the fewer points of support, the greater their importance for a person and the more disastrous the consequences of its loss.
In fact, the fulcrum is the limitation of consciousness, stubbornness in one corner and not seeing the rest of the world. Correct Understanding This question reveals to a person the equivalence of his entire surrounding world and eliminates the limitations of perception. In other words, a person receives not one or two toys as a gift, but the whole world, filled with joy and happiness, and if something disappears from this boundless space, it will not bring pain and suffering. A person living on the seashore does not notice the disappearance of one pebble from the coast, because he has them the whole coast. But on the other hand, if he creates points of support for himself (chooses several pebbles from the coast and falls in love with them), then the loss of one of them will be a tragedy.
Loving loved ones is necessary and very important, but don’t turn it into fanaticism
Love should be a gift!
The first and most important point of support should be for every person on himself, but also without fanaticism and idealization. That is, we all must understand that in life we only have ourselves, from the beginning of life to the end, until the very last moment, everything else in life is given to us for a while, including close people, not to mention work , car, apartment and other generally accepted values, so you should not assign the importance of your whole life to them.
A person who has realized his value, importance and significance for himself will no longer impose himself on others with claims that he is not loved, is given little attention and in some other way does not stroke his ego. That’s it, he no longer needs it, he has become a spiritual adult and realized that if he himself does not fill his inner emptiness, not one person in the world will be able to do it for him. He becomes free and happy to the maximum given by his fate.
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I can't find a job in life that I could do with pleasure. I am 23 years old and have never worked in my life. It is very difficult for me to get along with people and often have to endure humiliation from them. I have social phobia since childhood. And over time I had to come to terms with it. Now I don’t care about the absence of friends, a loved one. But I can’t stand criticism and I can’t work in a team. In addition to social phobia, my “clinical learning disability” hinders me. I don’t know how to do anything. At the institute I was able to study only 2 courses. Tried to take course 3 3 times! But for these 5 years I had to study hard, seven days a week, and had to stay awake for several days in a row. In a short period of time, I learned everything flawlessly (by the way, I studied at 4 and 5, although in some places there were 3s) and I really liked studying, but it didn’t make sense because after a few days it was all completely forgotten. in the 3rd year I crammed the same manual 5 times like the first time, and now I don’t remember what it says. When I went to learn to drive, it turned out that I had the same problems. At each lesson we had to re-learn what we had already learned in last time skills (driving away, entering a garage, etc.) The same situation was in any business where it is necessary to follow instructions. It is worth noting that I read a lot of literature from memory, and trained it with all possible ways(for example, I learned half of Goethe’s Faust) K manual labor I never had the ability, and other types of work require communication skills. Now I’m generally afraid to start any work, because... I no longer believe in success. It seems to me that every person has something for which they are respected, and what they value most about themselves, but I can’t find it in myself...
How to deal with this and how to find yourself?
Mariya, thank you for your answer, although my question is already old. No one told me that studying is not important. But for me, I think it’s the only way out (though now I still have to look for alternatives) Ordinary people They don’t understand me - I was often beaten as a child, and not only in childhood (I often ended up in traumatology, broke my jaw, once my head was smashed with reinforcement, but for some reason the doctors never diagnosed me with a concussion!). In addition, since childhood I have suffered from constant severe headaches (doctors have not determined the cause and this is not related to the injury since the symptoms were there before) and physical labor only makes it worse. I haven't talked about myself before good opinion but after being expelled from the institute she died last hope. If I were from a family of workers, I would have resigned myself a long time ago, but my parents have honors diplomas, several higher education, work in a management field. I’m ashamed not in front of my parents, but in front of their friends... And by the time I graduated from school, I had almost overcome my social phobia. I had a girlfriend, “friends,” but I sacrificed all this in order to successfully graduate from college, and as a result I lost everything...
First the lyrics. Epigraph from Galchinsky: “I love to be near your heart. Close. Nearby. And outside the windows there is snow. And crows under the snowfall...”
At the age of 19 I had a great love. From time to time I called and asked him to come and save me urgently.
“I’ll come tomorrow,” said great love.
- Tomorrow? I feel bad today.
- Today myself. You can be saved every day.
And so it was - I easily plunged into despair and quickly, like a stone, reached the bottom. This is the device I had. I had to learn to save myself on my own. Get acquainted with the formulation “I am reliable for myself” and write it down, hammer it into the subconscious. (More about methods later.) It helped. I imagine it in the form of a durable, flexible rod made of a defensive alloy - letters in script along the spine: “I am reliable for myself.”
But sometimes, less and less often, it hits. The core weakens, the ligature unravels, the strength flows out and seems to gather under the bed, like mercury. And hello, “I’m lying in such a huge puddle”... And I can’t get up. Once, in this state, I bought a new synthetic padding pillow; it seemed to me that the old feather one was filled with my black thoughts. And it won’t dry out anymore.
During another crisis, when “everything was bad,” the psychologist gave me a task. She didn’t ask, she didn’t advise, but she told me to do this: write down on A4 sheet what I like in life. Which is good. Not something big, like world peace and universal harmony, but what is nearby, always at hand, little things, all kinds of nonsense.
You had to take your favorite pen, which is pleasant to touch in your hand and so that it leaves a soft, continuous, velvety mark on the paper, draw back the margins at the top, right and left, and remember at least something. It was difficult for me to breathe, I didn’t want to eat or drink, or anything at all. But since I turned to a psychologist for help and was in his office, I had to think and write: I love...
Your breakfast
My Armenian brass Turk (“she’s 20 years old,” I added for some reason),
The smell of ground coffee,
When a sparrow flies to the window to peck crumbs (or a tit),
Look at a crow sitting on a tree under the snow: the flakes are falling, but she doesn’t even turn her head (and doesn’t fly away).
The reception ended, I took the piece of paper home, and in the evening I took it, crumpled, out of my bag and wrote that I still loved it...
Kiss children on the forehead, under the bangs (mom says it “smells like feathers” there),
Lie on your right side with a book,
Write to friends: “How is it going?”
Your Chanel Chance perfume (and Chanel Allure, in the evening),
Your silver rings, especially one with coral,
When Gus calls at work, he says emphatically, “Mom...” and pauses.
When Asya asks: “You know what?” - and on the go he comes up with what to tell.
Before going to bed, when the lights are already turned off and I usually think about all sorts of household bullshit (what I don’t pay for: electricity, water, meters, and that I need to buy buckwheat) or about the eternal (what if they bury me alive and I wake up), I lay there and figured it out with a stream of thoughts about various cute things that fell upon me. I remember getting up, walking barefoot to the table, turning on the table lamp and writing down: I love...
Sitting in the Greek hall of the Pushkin Museum - everything there is proportional, white, harmonious and there is a glass ceiling,
Profiteroles with lemon cream on Gogolevsky,
...when they kiss between the shoulder blades (“and, leaving, with sweet lips, kiss two moles between the shoulder blades”),
Sit on the floor, shake out black and white paper photographs from the Unibrom envelopes, where my parents are younger than me now, and they had their own lives there before me, and sort through the photographs for a long time and look at them,
When nothing needs to be said and everything is clear,
The color of marble at the Sretensky Boulevard station (it is not brown or pink, it is delicate and can be seen directly from the carriage).
In the morning I could breathe easier. I was working, writing, and under my keyboard were two new sheets of paper with a list. I love...
Dive and listen to what's under the water,
When fog or a cloud creeps onto the rocks (I used to see this from the window),
Peonies (they smell like holidays) and chrysanthemums (they remind you that there can be happiness in autumn).
Four days later, I wanted to go somewhere, which had not happened for a long time, I wanted to go out in public, hang out, listen to the noise of the crowd. On the way to the metro, I looked around and even into the sky, and sniffed the smell of shawarma and tandoor in an Uzbek bakery.
The list took up several sheets, and was no longer being replenished so actively, but the fact that I had it, lying under a napkin, was strangely calming. Like a secret with colorful pieces of glass: you can always run, catch your breath, dig it up and admire it.
Of course, it later turned out that this was all a technique, a technique, right-hemisphere psychology. That by pushing the brain to seek pleasure in our lives, we turn it into an antenna that catches the good. The brain begins to scan reality and find reasons for joy in it. And when their number grows, exceeds a certain limit, everyone has a different limit, something like fireworks happens in the head, the mood improves and a reason for happiness is no longer needed. You just sit and feel better. Sometimes very much so.
Once upon a time, I wrote about a group of women who were preparing a personal “Book of Memory” for publication. This is a list of all those who went to the front during the Great Patriotic War. Last name, first name, patronymic, year of birth, where he was called from... And then, who has what.
It turned out that no one can stand such work for a long time, there are many heart attacks and even deaths. “What did you think, sit and write all day long: dead, dead, dead, missing... What kind of heart can stand this?” – the group leader said bitterly.
In the case of a list where each item opens with the word “love,” the situation is the opposite. All these points, sub-points, little things and nonsense, tits and watches, smells and sounds - tie you to life, remind you that it deserves to be lived...
I'm not a psychologist, I'm just describing my experience. There is nothing unique about it. As in the thought that it’s good when you love a lot of things in life. You just need to remind yourself of this. And you can write a list like this all your life, at least mentally.
“To be, to exist in this world already means to have a relationship with it. And just as we relate to the world in general, we relate to everything that surrounds us. After all, parents, people familiar and unfamiliar, and all objects and animals are part of the world. But the matter is not limited to simply existing in given circumstances. Relationships with the world are, first of all, about understanding the rules of the game called life.
Surprisingly, only Martin Heidegger developed this topic in philosophy at the beginning of the twentieth century*. He described such rules by calling them “existentials.” These are the conditions under which we exist in the world, “the givens of our existence.” After all, we end up in a situation that we did not choose. Gender and era, parents and nationality, social class and even, for example, the city in which we live - we do not choose any of this. Therefore, our task is to accept these givens. And even if we are planning to move to another city or want to break into a different social class or even change gender - first we must accept that we now live in this city, were born a man or a woman... Then we can understand that this does not suit us , and try to change, but it all starts with acceptance. Heidegger saw the essence of acceptance as stopping to be afraid of one's circumstances and learning to look at them calmly.
Our relationships with the world are formed in the first seven years of life. The second seven years are dedicated to our relationships with other people. In the third, we build relationships with ourselves. First, the child discovers the world and learns to interact with it. The model for such interaction is his relationship with his mother: for the baby, the mother is the world. After one and a half years, other factors also come into play: trust in the world arises not only thanks to parents. In the end, a relationship with him is a personal decision for each of us. We have the freedom to trust the world.
The word “trust” is used here for a reason. Remember how you perceive reality Small child. He either cuddles up to his mother, or, making sure that he is safe, goes off to explore the world. And the distance of these “shuttle expeditions” is increasing every time. The child learns that the ground is hard and you can walk on it, that the neighbor’s dog is kind and won’t bite, that the swing in the yard is strong and won’t break. He learns to trust: his mother, nature, people and his own strength.
How is fundamental trust experienced? Here's how: I laid part of my problems on something or someone, on some kind of support - and the support stood! Moreover, there is no obligatory love and joy, there is only the experience of relationships with people who accepted me. So, I can be and they let me be!
Our whole life, our relationship with the world is the search and creation of supports on which we can place part of the burden of our life. We find friends, learn a profession, start a family. The support can be the structure in which we work, relationships with colleagues, our abilities and interests, people and groups of people... One of the most important supports is our own body. We feel well-rooted when we have many supports.
The decision to trust is also related to the realism of our perception. The closer to reality our assessment of this or that support, the less disappointment and the more trust in people and in ourselves. Supports usually fail those who do not agree to accept reality, who want to remake it at their own discretion and do not perceive what does not meet their expectations. The world does not fit into schemes and theories at all. (The only reliable statement about him is that he does not guarantee anything to any of us.) Only an open position of trusting curiosity can save.
By the way, stories about grievances that can be overcome and overcome through forgiveness are always stories about support that did not live up to expectations. And one of the practices of forgiveness is precisely to help a person understand: could someone who turned out to be an unreliable support be able to withstand the load placed on him? Gratitude, on the contrary, is an experience associated with the fact that my support did not let me down. Anything can happen to any of us at any moment - this is one of the main rules of the game. And this is the most big check our relations with the world. When all the supports fall, will there be anything left? How can I then be at peace? And can I be? Or will I fall into this abyss of horror and despair, because there are no more supports?
In existential analysis there is the concept of “the basis of being.” We are talking about an experience rooted, as a rule, in previous experience. The experience that even if all the supports collapse, something will still remain. This very complex philosophical construction is nevertheless intuitively understandable to everyone who is content with the phrase: “It has never happened that way.” This is the basis of our existence.
I really like the image of the world as a trampoline stretched over an abyss. You can look in horror through the mesh into the abyss. Or you can focus your gaze on the weaves of this grid itself, realizing that it has withstood us more than once. Yes, she threw us up - so that we clumsily fell on her. But she persevered. And it will endure again. A person with such a focus of vision, with such an attitude towards the world, is well established in life - regardless of everything else. This ultimate experience of trust is often called God by people. But this is not a matter of belief in specific gods. This is a question of our relationship with the world.”
* M. Heidegger “Being and Time” (Academic project, 2013).
